Cutie Markless

by Good Christian Ethesto

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Tragedy, Adventure, Main 6
Length: 978

Twilight Sparkle and her friends do that thing that you just watched.

Twilight Sparkle and her friends do that thing that you just watched.

Contains season 5 spoilers

Published 2015-04-06 05:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-06 05:20:02 UTC

Karl Marxless

"Wooo woo woo," played the happy flute sounds that accompany the beginning of every new episode, and as the camera panned past some worthless, background horses that I don't know the names of and centered on the friendship lair, the audience knew they were in for a good time.

Meanwhile, Twilight and her posse entered the dining room, where Spike was napping in a crystal chair as he'd already eaten the table. Unperturbed by lack of table, the horses began taking their seats as Twilight Sparkle decided to yap like usual.

"Let's go through this one more time," she preambled, one purple tentacle aggressively accosting her perfectly-curved chin, "why did this magical friendship fortress morph into existence without any bathrooms?"

Rainbow Dash was absolutely Bubonic Plague with annoyance, squelching his upper lip with one worm-like walking appendage before unhinging his neanderthal-esque jaw and spitting words from his fangs like a king cobra spits venom, "we've been over this a million times," he exaggerated, as they've only been over it a few hundred thousand times. "Just let it drop like everyhorse else."

"I guess I could," admitted Twilight who, as a high-bred doesn't like to mix her feces with lowly pond scum.

"I don't know, sugarcube," said Applejack who's included in their group for some reason as she plopped her crisp-tortilla-tented haunches on a chair of her own instead of sitting on the floor. "I think her weird potty disorder is part of what makes Twilight, Twilight."

Rarity decided at this point to input her thoughts on the matter, but no one was really paying attention.

Fluttershy was inclined to agree as she's desperate for popularity and never has her own opinion on anything. "You're right, Twilight should poop where ever and however she pleases. She is a princess, after all." Did I mention yet that Twilight Sparkle is a princess? That's an integral part of this story.

Twilight womped around the center of the dining room for a few moments, lost in self-pity, before plopping her tailored tush on her own chair. Just then, all the planets in the solar system aligned, and a beam of magical power from the far reaches of the solar system, amplified by the ancient, alien artifacts in each celestial body's core, laser pointed directly into the friendship fortress. With lots of magic, tons of fun, and plenty of crystals, the power of the solar system combined and created a new dining room table for them. What a nice gift.

However, this was no ordinary-human dining room table, it was magic, and had a map of Equestria on its surface. Spike, being roused by my loud, aggressive typing, woke to find that all his hard work devouring the table to ruin the pony's dinner party had been for naught, as a new table appeared, likely by magic he figured.

Enraged, he stomped onto the table, throwing a tantrum like the toddler he is.

Ignoring Spike's adolescent, obnoxious behavior, Pinkie Pie's eyes zoomed in on the map, noting that she could totally see her house, as well as her tiny parents tending the tiny fields. "Hi mom and dad," she said at room temperate, unaware that the deep thrum of her voice was enough to shatter her parent's ear drums, and her musky breath, dank with the overbearing stench of pastries, was the last thing they experienced as their tiny bodies were flung over the horizon by her slightest exhale.

Then, as if to cement that they had all died horribly, Spike stepped on their farm, crushing it, along with Pinkie's sisters who had remained indoors, into dust and paste.

But that wasn't important, as the ponies all had to take a moment to check out their butts. Pinky's butt looked funny, and she couldn't help but laugh at it. Despite this not being a library, they each checked out their own back-sides as Twilight turned to the group and announced what was on all of their minds the whole time. "We need a vacation."

They all erupted into cheers, knowing they could get Twilight to pay for everything with state funds, and before noon they were all on a train to paradise. All except for Spike, of course. They left him behind because he's repulsive.

The locomotive chugged along, it's pony cargo snuggled safely inside. This was a luxury train, and they were treated like kings and queens by the servants. Naturally, Rarity made a comment, but no one heard it as they were all too busy relaxing.

Smoothly on silken tracks, the train sailed over hills, across a bridge, and through a tunnel. Dora the Explorer was driving it, after all, with the help of her handy-dandy notebook. With their powers combined, the trip went absolutely smoothly. That is, until the tracks abruptly stopped, a black and yellow striped wall being placed in their way.

Dora's eyes widened as it came into view, and she pulled the emergency breaks, the train's many wheels coming to a halt and skidding noisily against the track, but it was too late. With a violent crack, the engine block plowed straight through the wall, its angular nose slamming into the ground as the whole thing tipped over itself. Thousands of tons of iron and cargo went sprawling from the tracks into the desert, the flimsy, decorative cars crumpling like cardboard as they crashed into one another. The cars came loose as they were smashed and tossed, rolling over each other in a cacophonous din of destruction.

After several prolonged seconds, it finally came to a halt, having kicked up enough dirt to cloud the whole area. Everything was silent, as though the very desert was holding its breath, waiting for survivors to crawl from the wreckage. And that's when the fuel car full of gasoline finally ignited.

There were no survivors.

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