Derpy fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat outside her boss’s office. She had no idea what he wanted from her, or why it was on such short notice, but nonetheless, she was afraid. If it was one thing concerning her boss that was pretty common knowledge around the post-office, it was that he had a tendency to only give bad news. It wasn’t that he was necessarily a bad or grumpy pony, he just never seemed to have anything good to say.
“Oooh, I hope I’m not in trouble. The last thing I need right now is a guilty conscience…on top of everything that happened today.” Derpy said nervously to herself as she kept her crossed eyes glued to the door. Earlier that day, she had accidently messed up another pony’s delivery on account of her clumsiness. She wasn’t looking where she was going and flew right into a flock of geese, causing her to spiral back down to the ground, with her delivery getting flattened in the process.
Considering that, her chances of getting off easy were not looking good. She already felt bad enough that she had messed up this bad, and she didn’t need her boss telling her what a ditz she was. She knew that already.
After several agonizing minutes, the door opened and a blue Pegasus with a black mane and a trio of stamps for a cutie-mark stepped out. To say that he looked exhausted would be a terrible understatement. He had bags hanging under his eyes and what seemed like a permanent frown slapped onto his face. He turned his head and jerked his head towards his office door.
“Alright Hooves. We need to talk…” he said with a grim tone in his voice. Of course, this made Derpy all the more afraid and she gulped.
“Y-Yes Mr. Stampson sir.” She said, getting up from her chair and stepping into his office with him following behind her. His entire desk was covered in envelopes and files that had yet to be filed or delivered. From the tired look he had on his face, and the current amount of work he still had to do, it was made very clear that he wasn’t ready to be taking any garbage today. He sat down behind his desk and gave Derpy a nearly unreadable look.
“Please. Sit down.” He said with little emotion in his voice.
“O-Okay.” Said, preparing to sit on the chair across from his desk…
Only to miss completely.
“WAH!” Derpy yelled, missing the chair and landing flat on her rump. “Ooow...” she said to herself, rubbing her back-end in slight pain. Stampson looked across his desk at her, again with a near-emotionless face.
“You alright over there?” he asked. Derpy looked back up at her boss, became fully aware of the position she was in, and smiled sheepishly.
“U-Umm yes, I’m fine…Let’s just…forget that even happened.” She said, stuttering over her words as she stood back up into her chair, still giving off a nervous smile. Stampson unfortunately did not see as much humor in the situation and let out a slightly annoyed groan.
Derpy gulped nervously again. He really didn’t seem to be in the mood for jokes right now. “S-So…you wanted to talk to me?”
Stampson nodded. “Yes. See Hooves, it’s come to my attention that your performance on the job is…well…how do I put this nicely…” Stampson said, slightly tapping his chin. “…Not up to par.” He said.
Derpy’s ears fell to her head. If she wasn’t about to pee herself from fear before, she definitely was now. “Oh…w-well, I can do better if you want me to!” she said.
“Derpy, let me put it like this. In the last week, you’ve caused nearly 2500 bits worth of property damage while on the job, and that’s not even including every other week, month, or year before now, or the any of the damaged packages that you’ve been entrusted with delivering. Miss Hooves, I am at the end of my rope.” He said, appearing to look a little more serious than he was before. He then proceeded to pick up a pencil from his desk and chew the eraser end of it, a slight sign of uneasiness, even though his face on its own did not change.
He then reached under his desk and pulled out what looked like some kind of book. The top of it was labeled “Employee Accident Statistics”, and he began to flip through several pages before stopping on one. This one was labeled “Derpy Hooves” at its top, and had a line chart on it.
“You see this, Hooves? These are your accident statistics, and-“ Stampson then pointed with his pencil to the line in the middle of the chart that seemed to be doing nothing but going up. “This is where you are at right now. Your accident rate is…well…abysmal. I almost hate to say it, but…this is becoming a real problem.”
“I…I know I mess up…a lot…but I’m trying, honest!” Derpy said, slightly tearing up a little. She knew that this is where the conversation was going, she just knew it.
Stampson dropped the pencil from his mouth and sighed deeply, whether it was from annoyance or from sympathy, Derpy couldn’t tell. “Hooves, I…can’t afford these kind of accidents anymore. It hurts me to say it, but to put it in simple terms, you’re becoming a pretty bad liability. I just…can’t keep you around any longer…”
Derpy’s crossed eyes widened and her pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks. “Y-You’re firing me?!” she said, with a few tears starting to find their way out of her eyes. At this point, Derpy was past preserving her dignity. She had a foal at home that she needed to take care of; she couldn’t afford to be jobless. “P-Please, don’t do this! I need this job! Please!” She cried.
Stampson’s face unsurprisingly didn’t change. “…Hooves, you know me by now. You seriously think that begging is going to sway me?”
“U-Ummm…I don’t know…m-maybe?” she said, smiling sheepishly with tears still in her eyes.
“Out of my office Hooves.”
It had already been two weeks since Derpy had been fired from her job at the post office as the mailmare. Of course, she had been searching for a new job since then, but had been coming up short as of late. She wasn’t ENTIRELY sure what it was that scared employers away from her, but considering that nearly everypony in Ponyville had had something of theirs broken by Derpy at least once, she could take a wild guess.
She was at a loss at this point as she trotted through town kicking a rock along her path. She had already come home empty hoofed every day this week from a few interviews for different jobs. Having to listen to Dinky ask why she was home so often all of a sudden was starting to wear a little on her self-esteem, but she didn’t dare tell Dinky what was going on. She was only a foal; she shouldn’t need to worry about such matters like this.
Derpy sighed in sadness as she continued to kick her rock along Ponyville’s road. “Ooooh. I’ve looked left and right for a new job…I guess I need to face it. Nopony is going to want to hire a cross-eyed ditz of a mare like me…” Derpy said to herself, starting to tear up again. She didn’t know what to do anymore. But she couldn’t give up just yet, she just couldn’t. She couldn’t let her sweet little filly down.
“…Hmm…Maybe…maybe what I need is to find a new employer in town. Yeah, somepony that’s setting up in Ponyville, looking for bright, new faces to work for them and doesn’t know about my…umm…accident streak...” she told herself. She pondered the situation for a moment, considering her options. To her knowledge, she wasn’t aware of anypony new coming into Ponyville lately…
Except for maybe Popcorn Ball and his family.
Just when she was thinking of this pony in particular, she bumped into something big, furry, and yellow, causing her to fall back to the ground. “AAH!” She yelled, falling backwards. The pony that she had run into also fell backwards at the same time she did, and from the sound of it, it was a stallion.
“AGH JEEZ!” he shouted as he landed back on his behind as well.
“Oh my gosh, Popcorn!” a female voice shouted in what sounded like slight fear and worry.
Once Derpy’s brain caught up to what had just happened, she looked forward to see who she had run into. Before her, on the ground appeared to be a disoriented, yellow Pegasus, who Derpy recognized as the very stallion she had been thinking of. He was a rather handsome and muscular-looking stallion, but much to the dismay of many a mare, he was already happily married.
Speaking of that, his wife, Margarine stood beside him with a look of concern on her face concerning her husband’s recent fall at the hooves of Derpy. “Ooooh are you alright Popcorn sweetie?” she asked, slightly checking his body for wounds. Once she saw that there were none, she breathed a sigh of relief and nuzzled his cheek, making him blush.
“Hehe, Margarine, I’m fine. Calm down.” He chuckled, nuzzling her back.
Derpy got up and quickly gave Popcorn an apologetic look. “Ooooh, I’m so sorry Mr. Popcorn! I wasn’t looking where I was going!” she apologized, offering a hoof out to Popcorn to help him up, to which he took kindly to the gesture.
“Derpy, relax. It’s fine. See? No bruises.” He said, turning around slightly, showing that he had no injuries on him.
Derpy let out a relieved sigh. “Good…sorry I ran into you. I’ve just…got a lot on my mind right now.”
Margarine looked at Derpy a little bit interested in what her dilemma could be. “…You know, seeing you reminds me. We haven’t seen you come by to deliver our mail lately. Did something happen?” she asked.
Derpy tensed up a little at Margarine’s question. She didn’t want to go around telling ponies that she was too clumsy to hold down her job and was let go because she was starting to be a “liability.” That’s just beyond humiliating. “Umm…the post office…wasn’t really working for me. I’m trying to look for another job that…suits my needs a little better.” She said with a sheepish smile.
‘…Although at this point, I’ll probably take anything.’ Derpy thought to herself.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t very happy with your work…” Margarine responded. She appeared to think to herself for a moment. A few seconds of thinking later, and her ears perked up and she grew a big smile on her face, looking at Popcorn now. “Popcorn, isn’t Nanny looking for ponies to work for him?”
Popcorn rolled his eyes. “Margarine, college is over. Can you ever just call Banana by his actual name?” he asked.
“Awww but it’s sooo cute!~” Margarine giggled.
Derpy raised an eyebrow, wondering where exactly this was going. “Umm…Banana?...sorry but, who are we talking about here?” she asked. Both ponies looked back to Derpy with slight smiles on their faces.
“Hehe, sorry. Margarine just thought of somewhere you could work. You see, our old college friend, Banana Nut, has this very big company that has a lot of locations around Equestria. He’s setting up a Ponyville branch, and he might need some ponies to work for him.” Popcorn replied.
Derpy’s ears perked up after hearing about an opportunity for a new job. This especially got her interest because from the way Popcorn and Margarine were describing it, this sounded like a pretty big deal. “O-Oh. I-I don’t know. I mean…am I even qualified?” she asked.
Margarine giggled a little. “Derpy sweetheart, Banana is sure to love you. He’s…not exactly a typical corporate stiff. He appreciates enthusiasm…and suits…a lot…” Margarine said, recalling her and her husband’s college years with Banana, and his rather bizarre obsession with “Suiting up.”
“Yeaaaah, you’ll know the guy when you see him, trust me; he sticks out pretty good. Look, if you want the job, then you’ll need to meet up with him at Muffin Corp’s Ponyville location just outside town. They just finished setting the office up out there the other day actually.” Popcorn said, pointing to a pretty large building just outside of town that appeared to have a roof in the shape of a muffin top.
This probably got Derpy’s attention more than anything. How had there been a company revolving entirely around muffin distribution setting up in Ponyville and she had not known about it? She definitely should have noticed a building that looked THAT out of place, especially with it being muffin related.
In the end, she chocked it up to being too depressed over feeling like she wasn’t good for anything outside of unintended destruction.
“W-Well…I do like working with muffins…” Derpy said with a little hesitation. In truth, this sounded almost too good to be true. Derpy loved muffins to death, and getting paid to work in a muffin profession sounded nothing short of amazing. Considering that she needed a job so badly, this actually seemed like a good fit. After giving the thought a bit more consideration for a moment before putting a determined look on her face, although in the end, her crossed eyes made it look a little silly. “…Alright! I’m going for it!” she said confidently.
Both Popcorn and Margarine smiled a little and patted her on the back.
“That’s the spirit Derpy! Next time we see you, you’ll be an official employee of Muffin Corp, I just know it!” Margarine said.
Derpy looked back at the couple and gave them a bright smile. “Thank you two for telling me about this. I’m gonna do my best to impress Mr. Banana Nut and get that job!” Derpy said with full confidence in her voice as she trotted toward the building, stopping for a moment to look back at Popcorn and Margarine. “Oh, and tell Butter I said hi!” she shouted.
“Hehe, will do! I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!” he shouted back as Derpy disappeared into the Muffin Corp. office.
The main lobby of Muffin Corp’s office was not at all what Derpy had expected. With a professional sounding name such as that, she would’ve thought the place would’ve looked a lot more…professional. The entire lobby was painted a bright yellow, the rug was in the shape of a giant muffin, and for some reason there was a swirly-slide leading into the lobby and down to the next floor instead of stairs.
To put it in simple terms, it looked like the place was designed by a five year old that had been given too much money.
The only remotely serious part of the lobby was the receptionist who was sitting at the front desk. Sitting there was a purple Unicorn mare with an oversized pair of glasses, a black mane, and a phone cutie mark. It didn’t take a genius to tell that she had to be bored out of her mind. Considering her job, it wasn’t hard to figure out why.
Derpy very cautiously trotted up to the mare, hoping to get in contact with her boss. “U-Um…hello. I ummm…I’d like to apply here please…” Derpy stuttered nervously. She had felt so confident going into this, but now that she was actually here, she was starting to feel a little uneasy. What if she wasn’t good enough? What if Banana Nut didn’t like her? What was she going to do if she was turned down?
‘…No Derpy. You need to push those “What if’s” aside right now. You have to be focused!’ She thought to herself
The mare looked back up at Derpy, and raised an eyebrow a little. It was a little obvious this mare sort of found Derpy’s eyes to be a little off-putting, but she did her best not to show it. She still looked as bored as ever though. “Hm…name?”
“Umm…Derpy Hooves.”
The mare’s face didn’t change much, but Derpy could tell that that probably meant something along the lines of “Figured as much.”
“Hm…alright, give me a moment please.” The mare said. She then looked to a phone she had on her desk and pressed one of the buttons on it. “Mr Banana Nut sir?” she asked into the phone. It then buzzed a little in response before hearing a voice respond.
“Awwww Ringtoooone! You totally just threw off my bouncy groove up heeeere! Not coooool. Trying to bounce this professionally takes a constant rhythm ya know?” a male voice from the other end whined.
The mare now known as Ringtone only rolled her eyes. “Very sorry sir, I didn’t mean to interrupt another one of your bouncing sessions. I just have a mare down here that would like to apply.” She said.
“Ooooh really?~ Hang on, I’ll be down in a moment!~” The voice said in a cheery sort of tone. The phone then hung up and Ringtone put a hoof to her forehead.
“Ummm…is everything okay?” Derpy asked. From the sounds of that voice, Margarine wasn’t kidding when she said that this “Banana Nut” wasn’t a typical corporate stiff. He sounded way happier and more energetic than any business pony she had ever heard of.
“Yes, everything’s fine…Mr. Banana Nut can just be a little…stressful to work with sometimes. He’s a hooffull…” Ringtone said, shaking her head slightly to try and rid herself of her boredom and seemingly exhaustion. “…Alright look, Banana is a great boss. Probably one of the best. But there is one thing that you need to know about him if you’re gonna work here. It’s common knowledge to pretty much all employees of Muffin Corp.” Ringtone said, all of a sudden looking very serious with narrowed eyes. “When you talk to him…never…ever…no matter what…NEVER bring up the subject of Banana’s mother…he’s very…bad about talking about that”
Derpy had seriously no clue where Ringtone was going with this. “Huh? Why?”
“Nopony knows really…he just gets very anxious and lashes out when it’s brought up. Trust me, it’s best to avoid it all together. Keeps everypony happy.” Ringtone said, still looking very serious over the matter.
Derpy was going to question why again, but decided against it. Ringtone had been here for longer than she had, so she must’ve known what she was talking about…she still couldn’t help but wonder though…
Eventually, the swirly slide that led to the ground floor started to shake and vibrate, and a voice from the upper floor, seemingly the same one from the phone was making a “WEEEEE!~” sound as it advanced further down toward them. Finally, the source of the voice made its way onto the floor from the slide. Sliding down, waving his arms up like a little child, was a yellow Pegasus with a black mane a pair of bright, purple eyes, and a muffin for a cutie mark. Two of his most defining features where his tail, which looked so fluffy and puffed up that it could rival Pinkie Pie’s, and the suit he wore, complete with a red tie. It made him look very mature and professional, but his behavior at the moment clearly demonstrated that he was ANYTHING but.
The stallion then got off of the slide, jumped up with his tail below him, and started to bounce on it like a spring. “Hiyas! Welcome to Muffin Corp! Glad to meet ya!~” The stallion said with an impossibly wide grin as he vigorously shook Derpy’s hoof, bringing her up with him as he bounced up and down.
Ringtone only rolled her eyes again. “Miss Hooves. Meet Banana Nut…”
“AAAGH! N-Nice to meet you t-too!” Derpy stuttered. She had expected a lot of things when Popcorn and Margarine described Banana, but THIS was not what she was thinking at all. He seemed to be acting like a little colt that had a metric ton of sugar and just couldn’t stop bouncing.
A few seconds of this treatment later, and Derpy was set back down, slightly dizzy from the assault. “U-Umm…so…you own Muffin Corp. right?” she asked.
Still giving off a huge smile, Banana nodded incredibly fast. “Yepitydoo!~ I loooove me some muffins, so I thought to myself one day “Hey, why don’t I share the love?” and…well you’re looking at the result!~” Banana said with a slight giggle gesturing to the lobby. He then stopped bouncing for a moment, and got directly in Derpy’s face and seemed to look her over a little, scratching his chin with a hoof with a concentrated look in his face. “Hmmm…”
Unsurprisingly, this made Derpy a little uncomfortable, and made her blush a bit. “U-Umm…I-Is something wrong?”
A few moments of Banana staring at her later, and he then backed up out of her personal space, and returned to his big smile. “…You like muffins too, I can tell!~” Banana giggled. “Heehee, I like ya already Ms. Derpy!~”
Derpy could do nothing but laugh a little nervously. Again, for a corporate pony, he seemed to be all too friendly and energetic. Either he REALLY enjoyed his job, or he had something very wrong with him in the head.
“Mr. Banana Nut sir, I personally don’t think it’s a good idea to traumatize the new applicants. It’s bad for business…” Ringtone said in her seemingly usual monotone voice.
“Awwww, I know; I’m just a big ol’ ball o’ sunshine, happy happy happy!~” Banana cheered, seeming to not be aware of Ringtone’s advice in the slightest. He then looked at Derpy and jerked his head over to a nearby elevator that lead to the next floor and pressing the button to summon it. “Had to install these little gems cause…well you can’t go UP swirly slides now can you? But stairs are boring so I figured I’d just go with the CLEARLY better choice.” Banana said, pointing to the swirly slide.
Finally, the elevator arrived and opened up for both ponies, with Banana stepping in first. He then looked at Derpy and gestured her over as well. “Well, we should probs get to my office so we can start your interview. Follow me Miss Derpy!~” Banana said happily.
‘….Oh dear Celestia. What have I gotten into?’ Derpy thought to herself.
Author's Note
What have you gotten into indeed Derpy. 
As said in the description of this story, this takes place in the same universe as Just Big Boned so you can go read that, although things can still be understood by just reading this one. Also, this would mean that Popcorn and Margarine are not my characters, but characters of the ever-amazing scootertheskitty. He's sort of helping out with this fic in terms of writing for HIS characters.
Also, Banana Nut is in THIS fic as well if you feel like knowing about Popcorn, Margarine, and Banana's college years, so if you're interested in some history with them, you can read that. I'm the consultant for Banana on that one.
Anywho comments are appreciated, and would you like another chapter. Kinda wanna know that before dedicating some more time to the next one.
