If Friendship is Magic...
"It pleases me greatly that you'd come over to seek personal tutoring in such a way, Princess Twilight," Celestia said slyly, showing how proud she was of Twilight's new status as an alicorn princess. "But... I'm afraid that I can't think of anything else to teach you. You've done many marvelous things with magic; Turning back time, flipping gravity, even spells like teleportation! Synchronizing with the Element of Magic, finding the other bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and better yet, finding new usage for the Magic of Friendship by reforming enemies into friends. You've certainly learned a lot more than any other student of mine. In fact, you're teaching me a lot more than I am teaching you. I really am proud of you. Truly, truly... I am proud of you."
Twilight blushed, then looked to Celestia, who was searching for a book for Twilight in the library of the Canterlot Castle. "Princess Celestia, I'm looking for answers on why we do the things we do. Like... what is nakedness?"
Celestia jumped a bit in place, as if she were startled; turning around to face Twilight, she hid a blush and giggled until replying, "Nakedness isn't something that we as ponies need to worry about. We get dressed in special occasions like at the Gala or at parties like a birthday or just a gathering. It's more of a Unicorn thing, actually. Just think, since Earth ponies and Pegasi do things like tending the land and fixing up the weather, they can't necessarily wear many clothes, as it will ruin the fabric and destroy its purpose. Unicorns, being the wielders of magic and political power, have to make themselves look as such to distinguish themselves from other ponies of the different types, like earth and pegasus. I'm sure you knew that as well as I did, Princess Twilight."
Twilight actually preferred to be naked. "Um... heh heh... yeah, Princess Celestia! That's right... I was just seeing if you knew."
"I know when you're lying Twilight. But it's so adorable when you're attempting so poorly to hide it," Celestia said, finding a huge book of about five thousand pages and setting it on the table before them.
"Oh... um... sorry, I suppose..."
Twilight sat on a chair, but Celestia remained standing. Twilight observed the book, seeing that it was brand new, made just this year. It appeared to be an original creation of Celestia herself as there appeared to be no publisher, title, or barcode or any type of thing you'd find on a regular book. It was blank white, and the light from the ceiling shining upon it flashed a grand rainbow of seemingly magical energy in all directions. "Wow..." Twilight gasped in awe at the book's beauty. She reached out her hoof to touch it, and found it to be made of refined, ground, and flattened diamond, fashioned to a book cover, with golden edged paper for the pages. It was the perfect book, and Twilight wanted so badly just to glance at the glimmering, shimmering, sparkling heaven of what rested within.
"I call it the 'Encyclopaedia Magica,' the supreme book of magic. A hyper-condensed single volume of every single type of magic one can use. It is split into four parts, one is for Unicorns and Alicorns, one for Pegasi, and one for Earth ponies. The last part is my Pony's Anatomical Studies, as I like to refer to it as."
"This is exactly what I needed to know about..." Twilight nearly began drooling, but she shook her head and caught her breathe before she forgot how to use it. "I mean... A book like this could surely answer the questions I have!"
Twilight was so excited, she could not hear Celestia's next remark: "Questions on what?"
"A book like this could teach an earth pony how to fly, teach a dragon how to use magic, it could teach a fish how to speak Mandarin Pandanese!"
"I'm sure those are a bit far-fetched, and more of a Discord thing... hmmm... Maybe I should write an 'Encyclopaedia Discordia...'"
A bright flash of light and a familiar light-hearted chuckle caught their attention. "Way ahead of you, my dear Princess Celestia."
The two alicorns turned to find Discord, who was dressed elegantly, in a black suit with a monocle and a top hat and fancy cane. He was holding a black book with a Sacred Chao plastered as a seal on the front, strapping the book shut from anyone who would attempt to peek at its juicy innards. Luckily, Discord didn't open the book just for pumping organs to fly out of it. "Encyclopaedia Discordia, your go-to book for Dark Magic, Chaos Magic, Potions and elixirs, Alchemy, Occult Magic... my my, I've quite out done myself this time, haven't I?"
A second Discord teleported into the room. "Quite so, he did in fact beat me to it."
"What'd I tell you? I've literally outdone myself."
Celestia walked over to Discord, who fused with the second Discord and opened the book to walk his eyes, quite literally, over the contents of the books. The eyes saw Celestia and went back into place, sticking an entire page's worth of content on Discord's head, which absorbed it all and transferred over into his knowledge.
"Look at what you've made me do, Celestia! My eyes have glossed over the pages and absorbed themselves into my being like a cold dinner. Being a boom written by me by Chaos, you could say I am what I eat."
"What brings you here today, Discord? I would assume you were spending some time with Fluttershy. Having one of those 'play dates'?" Celestia announced. She looked closely at the book which Discord had, seeming rather surprised at the content which was inside. "Quite an imagination you have there, huh, Discord?"
"This book is amazing!!!" Twilight squealed as she hopped in joy while reading Celestia's book.
Celestia still wanted to know what Twilight's question was, and felt that perhaps Discord could help discuss this as well. He knew magic better than Celestia did, and was only rivaled by Twilight. A certain random idea hit Celestia, leading her to wonder what a magical battle between Twilight and Discord would be. The effects would surely leave the maps having to be redrawn. That's for sure.
"Time flies when you're having fun," Discord said, looking aside to the window to spot flying clocks holding Pinkie Pie and Derpy with chains to float off into the air. "And as Fluttershy's really so worn out, I figured since I have the energy to spare, I could just spy on you and Twilight for a bit. I've actually been here for ten minutes."
"But Twilight and I just got here no less than three minutes ago," Celestia assumed she had cornered him.
"Need I really explain how I work? Or do you want this fanfic to go over the run time which it was scheduled for?"
Celestia sighed. He was "breaking the fourth wall" again.
Pinkie appeared, hanging from an unseen space above them. "Hey, I heard Discord referring to a 'fanfic,' how many breaks is that in our game, Dissie?"
"Four hundred for me, twenty for you," Discord said, as Pinkie nodded and disappeared. He took a pill and drank water to wash it down, wringing his back and phasing out of his formal clothing as if his body were composed of water to get naked as he usually was. "Pain in a back isn't she? Now I feel rather jelly of how that pink mare works. She can accomplish those puns better than I can! Being pink I guess you can see she's a bright one, eh?"
And Pinkie was there to do the drums, but once out of view, was gone like she was never there.
"Let's give it a rest shall we? And get back on track, I'm sure with all this chaos flowing around you're losing your train of thought, Princess Celestia," Discord told her as he lassoed a train and held it down with one of his feet. "You don't want me to jam it in you, it's perfectly functionable when it's like this, I've discovered."
"Discord." Celestia's tone was blunt, and literally hit him like a ton of bricks. Now was a time to get serious if there ever was one.
"Fine, I'll cut it out," Discord replied as he got a pair of scissors and cut out the space in which he and Celestia stood, then pasting them outside of the chaos and next to Twilight, who was still reading the book. "Twilight, darling! It's been a while--and, I'm out of time (puns, get it?)--since we've talked one on one like this... If it's happened at all..."
"Discord, I find your coming to be beneficial for the talk Twilight and I were planning on having. Twilight had informed me she wanted to ask me a question about magic, and I thought that if you, a Master of Magic himself, were here, you'd be of great assistance," Celestia began, taking the book from Twilight to get her full attention. "Twilight, ask away and Discord and I shall do our very best to answer honestly and as best an answer we possibly can."
Twilight looked to the both of them, taking a deep breathe once while closing her eyes to think. She held her head high, opened her eyes, and finally released: "Princess Celestia, I think I'm old enough to know this... Where do babies come from? How are they made? How are we born the way we are, and why aren't we born with cutie marks?"
Completely perplexed to the question, both Celestia and Discord, jaws hanging open, closed one another's jaws and looked to one another to see if any either one of them even knew where to begin. Twilight leaned forward for an answer, and this prompted Celestia to go the back of her book and scan over it quickly but thoroughly, something that she found difficult to accomplish.
"Um..." Celestia let escape before she closed the book and sat it aside. She looked to Discord and whispered something in his ear. He agreed to it and smiled happily. Celestia came back around to look to Twilight, as Discord summoned two very small artificially created earth ponies on the table to use as demonstrations for her. "You see Twilight... When two ponies love each other very much... They uhh... They hug for a long, long time... Yes, that's correct!"
The two earth ponies hugged one another. Hearts of love bubbled and popped over them.
"After hugging for a long enough time and sharing their love, they bump flanks so their cutie marks can touch."
The two earth ponies did just that, as one's cutie mark was a bowl and the other's was a spoon.
Celestia whispered to Discord, "You're doing good, keep it up."
"Yes, Twilight, then a rainbow showing their perfect magical harmonization comes from the both of them to become one rainbow. And this rainbow goes into the carrier, or the one most suited to be the mother,--"
"So, it goes into the female pony?" Twilight asked, tilting her head in slight confusion.
Faust-dammit, Twilight. All this time to study sex and you never have? Well, you've never had sex so you don't know what to expect... Worst part about it is, Discord and I have never had sex either... We know how it works... but... to you it may seem absurd, even like this!
"Female pony? Why... it doesn't matter the gender, Twilight. They both could be female, it's just that the one most fit to be the mother will carry the baby pony."
"But... what if they're both stallions?"
Discord face palmed while holding back a laugh. He let one escape, but once both Celestia and Twilight gave him a stern look, he zipped his mouth close and laughed silently.
Celestia continued, "If two stallions do it, the one most fit to be the mother will carry the baby. Twilight, ponies are creatures that function off of magic and magic alone. We don't need those special organs to carry out our methods of reproduction."
Twilight gasped in a EUREKA moment. "So... that's why we have cutie marks?! That's why it's so important for us to figure out our individuality, so that we can share our individuality with other ponies and find a suitable significant other, right?"
Celestia was silent for a bit. She looked to Discord again, and the draconequus just shrugged. "Precisely. Not too weird, is it?"
Twilight suddenly got a curious look on her face. "So... if two mares and two stallions can do it... and a mare and a stallion can do it... What's the age in which they must begin?"
"Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are being pushed together early if I recall. They're beginning their friendship young to harmonize at an early age, so that their sex in the future will produce the best offspring," Discord said after unzipping his mouth, but a weird look from Celestia prompted him to zip it back up.
"I was wondering why it always seems so nice in Equestria..." Twilight said as she rubbed her chin. "Then... do the same rules for regular nature apply to ponies as well? Like... can we or can we not have sex with our relatives? Can we be too old or too young? How long is one 'pregnant'? And most of all... why then aren't we born with cutie marks? It seems to me that if a baby were born from cutie marks, then it will be born with one..."
"The thing with sex, Twilight, is that you do not have to avoid not having it with a pony whom you are not related to, as it is not seen as obscene in our community. How do you suppose the Apple Family has an Apple themed cutie mark with each of its members? Sure, they usually inbreed with a far off cousin, but it is inbreeding nonetheless. As for the way we earn our cutie marks, we are most likely to earn a similar cutie mark as one or both of our parents. If in any case, and this is rare, that a pony of different origins and talents gets with and has sex with a pony of a complete different type, then their child's talent may not be figured out until they're out on their own--"
"So... basically, when they get a job, when they've moved out of their parent's house... That's when they get their cutie mark?"
"Yes, but we've only seen this a small number of times. Ponies usually get with others they are similar to. The type of pony; unicorn, earth and pegasus, matters just as much in this equation as talent does. But I'm sure you can do the math from here. Can't you, Twilight?"
Twilight was speechless. She looked to the book which Celestia had set aside and began to skim through its contents dealing with the magical equine body. Everything Celestia had said was very much indeed true. "So... I've been blind to the truth for all these years? Scared of something that seems so basic?... How could it not be so clear to me? Of course... Cadance and Shining Armor will have an adrenaline-filled little foal, won't they?"
Celestia and Discord nodded.
"Twilight, that book will teach you everything you need to know about sex... And, please... if you ever decide to have sex, just do it with somepony like you. I don't care if they're a mare, a stallion, or even a stallimare! Just make sure you make the right choice. Though, I would not recommend getting with another Element of Harmony. Don't ask why, just read the book to find out the answer."
Twilight's eyes were wide with wonder and confusion. She put the book in her saddlebag, and noticed Discord putting his book in there as well. She began to sweat upon looking at Discord's book, and when she opened it to read it, she dropped it and reeled back in pure horror and untainted terror which she had never felt before. Discord had to put it back in the saddlebag for her, as she would not even go near to it.
Celestia saw all of this and smirked to Discord, who also let a few drops of sweat run from him. Literally. But the sweat evaporated under Celestia's presence.
Finally unzipping his mouth, Discord continued, "As ponies are magical, they do magical things. Even sex is magical. But... that's not something I need to be concerned with... I give birth to Chaos, Chaos is my child. I can do that asexually, all by myself." He was looking away from Celestia.
"Oh, Discord... You know as well as I do that this is never about pleasure. We are truly different than the other animals and beings of this world because since our Magic comes from pure feelings like Friendship and Love, we can truly appreciate the gift of newborn life. What you don't know, however, may cost you your legendhood..."
Discord laughed at this, "Whatever may that be, Princess Celestia?"
Princess Celestia was quiet for a short time before finally finishing what she planned to say, "I think that we both should make ourselves some successors. We both know that immortality is not what we possess, so we'll surely need heirs to our roles as Harmony and Chaos."
Twilight blushed at what Celestia was saying to Discord, and how easily he was playing along with it. Surely they weren't considering...? But, Discord did not even have a cutie mark. How would such an act...?
"Well then, Twilight? Could you give Discord and I some time to talk alone? I'll make sure to write to you shortly." Celestia was still looking Discord right in the eyes, with a smirk on her face. "We have something to try out."
Twilight, without questioning either of them, backed out of the situation as quickly as she could. She teleported to the outside of the castle and flew home at speeds she never knew she could fly at. Perhaps the remnants of the magic of the alicorn princesses still lingered in her, but that rose an entirely different question prompt that Twilight knew would be answered in the book.
Behind her, the Canterlot Castle's windows blasted through with a great, bright light, and then rainbows covered in darkness and pure chaos.
Once she got home to her Castle, Twilight immediately ran into her reading room (much too big to just be a room, more like a Library) and lied down on the floor to bury herself within the books. She went to the Encyclopaedia Magica first, but a spike of curiosity ran right through her. She slowly sat the pure white book down, and then fished for Discord's. Carefully opening it, Twilight braced herself for the horrors within. But a note fell out of one of the pages. Twilight, confused to no ends, picked up the note with her magic and read it silently:
She's your's now.
-With love, Discord
Twilight sat the note down and found that sitting on her book was a fully grown Screwball.
