Anon The Perv, or How To Royally Piss Off Royalty
The Only Chapter, Thankfully
Anon rushed through the streets with his breath heaving, his powerful legs aching, his bare feet scratched and bleeding. He tugged at the collar around his neck, mindful of his nudity. The ratty old boxers were all he had to his name, and he hated being out in public in them, but he had no choice. He had to get away.
All around him, ponies gasped and pointed, screeching for someone to “contain it,” or that “it had gotten out,” pointing at his half-naked form. Anon could only ignore them, forcing his cramping legs to move forward, all the while asking himself one thing: “Why do I have to be such a pervert?”
Princess Celestia alit on Twilight Sparkle’s doorstep, stretching her wings out one last time before poking her head into the Crystal Palace. “Twilight, dear?” She asked.
“Oh, Princess!” Twilight trotted in, prancing on her pretty pony princess hooves. “I didn’t know you were coming!”
“You sound like Shining Armor during our monthly threesome.”
“What?”
“Nothing,” Celestia giggled. “I see you’ve been practicing the royal Princess trot?”
“Yeah…about that…Princess, do I really need to walk like this everywhere?” Twilight demonstrated by prancing across the room, hooves lilting daintily on the floor. “It’s bad enough that I’m already an adorkable pony princess, but like this, even I feel girly.”
“Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Twilight,” Celestia said with a sage nod. “Believe me, I felt the same way during my grooming to become a princess, but after the first century when I stopped missing my testicles, things sort of came together.”
“I guess I see…okay, no, stop, do not change the subject, you can’t drop a bombshell like that and then change the subject a…”
“I’m afraid I’m not here just to pass the time with small talk, Twilight.” Celestia said, her gaze taking a distant, impassive look as she turned to look out the window.
“Goddammit, no! You just mentioned you had…”
“I’m also here to check on the human Anon. He appeared in Canterlot and I sent him here a few months ago, and am only now checking up on him even though he hasn’t written once since I sent him off, meaning he could’ve wrecked his airship on the side of a mountain and died for all I know. Which sounds really fucking stupid now that I’ve said it out loud.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow. “What?”
“You know…the human? Two legs? Couple hands? Pink skin? But not Pinkie-pink, just a more dull pink? Like the side of an undercooked sausage?” Celestia arched an eyebrow. “Kinda hard to miss, I thought.”
Twilight paused, sinking into thought just long enough to make Celestia question every decision she’d made since seeing a little purple filly get both a baby and a tattoo on her ass in the same minute and deciding she’d be perfect princess material. Then, the smaller princess’s eyes lit up. “Oh yes, I remember!” She turned to the stairs and cupped a hoof around her mouth. “Nonny! Here boy!”
Celestia nearly puked as the human promptly scrabbled up the steps, panting like a dog. A padded collar was clipped around its neck, the only thing on its body besides a ratty, old pair of boxers. On reaching the upper landing, the human froze, but only for a second before turning to Twilight as she approached.
“There’s a good boy!” She cooed, patting Anon’s head before turning to Celestia, a little prideful grin on her face. Celestia knew that grin well: Twilight always used it when she believed she’d succeeded at something, but when that grin was only met with a rapidly descending sneer, Twilight’s look faded into what all faithful students everywhere would recognize as the “oh-shit” look.
“Twilight, how could you!?” Celestia gasped, looking upon the animalistic form that had once been a proud human.
“Princess…what?” Twilight whimpered.
“I sent Anon here to be cared for until he could stand on his own two feet, and instead you treated him like this!?” Celestia gasped, picking Twilight up by her tail and glaring right into her eyes. “Clearly, you are actually an evil psychopath despite being selected to bear the Element of Magic itself and your adorkable behavior in every season of the show ever! And I’m the one who selected you to be a princess! Wow, I’m just on a big, shitheaded roll today, aren’t I?”
“B-but Princess! I followed your instructions perfectly!” Twilight gasped, legs flailing about helplessly with all the combat instruction of a little purple nerd who spent her days reading in a library.
Celestia pulled away immediately, eyebrows hunching in confusion. “Instructions?”
Twilight nodded. “I kept them on me at all times, here,” she said, pulling a little folded scrap of paper out her ass, as all ponies apparently held any keepsakes in their anuses. Celestia dropped her unceremoniously on her face and held a small piece of paper, apparently scratched out with a crayon, in her magic.
“’Number one: make sure he can learn a few basic tricks?’” She read aloud.
“Yep!” Now, the proud little grin had made its reappearance as Twilight readjusted her jaw. “And I did, watch!”
Immediately, she stomped a hoof. For a second, Anon didn’t move, his wide, frightened gaze darting between her and Celestia. Twilight gave an irritated huff and stomped her hoof again, and this time Anon sighed, resigning himself to his fate and curling his hands up under his chin, like a dog learning to beg, much to Celestia’s growing horror.
“Hurray!” Twilight cooed, but before Celestia could scoop her up by the tail again and scream a four-hour long treatise on the dignity and respect all sentient species deserved in Equestria directly into her student’s face, the little purple princess gleefully swooped across the room and shoved her tongue down Anon’s throat. Celestia watched, her jaw dropping lower and lower as Twilight kissed the human in a way reserved for the dearest of lovers. Then, understanding dawned and her expression relaxed, the Alicorn reading quickly over the rest of the list.
When she reached the bottom, her jaw dropped again, this time in sheer admiration for the human’s audacity.
“Hmm, that’s odd,” Twilight said, looking Anon over. “He usually has a different feel to him when he does that…I wonder if he’s depressed?”
In truth, Anon’s shoulders had slumped forward, and his gaze had sunken like a pony sentenced to the gallows, but all that flew out the window as Celestia leaned forward. “Missing the way it usually feels, my dearest student?”
“Wha…no!” Twilight gasped, her wings spreading with the color rising on her cheeks. “I mean…of course not! Pining after an animal would be…wrong…I mean, it felt awkward at first, but…”
“Mmh-hmm…Twilight, do me a favor and put some tea on to boil, would you? I…wish to look Anon over myself.”
Twilight nodded, her eyebrow raised in concern, but she obeyed and left the room. The moment they were alone, Celestia sighed and went over the list another time. “I don’t know whether to buck you to the moon or pin a medal for bravery to your chest,” she said, shaking her head. Anon’s gaze just sank to the floor. “I mean, really, the sheer balls you’d need to pull something like this on a Princess of Equestria…it’s impressive.”
Anon curled up into a ball on the floor as she read aloud from the list: “’Number 87: For a reward, he enjoys what I call ‘mouth-to-mouth reinforcement’. Place your mouth over his and run your tongue over his tongue for a while.’” She shook her head again. “But that’s not even the coup de gracie! No, that’s later: ‘Number 126: Every night, the growth between his hind legs must be drained of white fluid by a mare’s mouth. You or Rainbow Dash should be capable of this. And Fluttershy. Maybe Pinkie. Sometimes. Don’t forget to swallow the fluid, it’ll improve your concentration in your studies’.”
She stared tight-lipped at him. “How long did it take you to cook this up?”
For the first time in two months, Anon spoke: “Came up with it halfway to Ponyville, finished it up just as the ship was landing.”
Celestia nodded again, a sage smile spreading across her face. “You know she’s gonna murder you when I tell her, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You get a five minute head-start.”
Anon straightened up, standing on his own two legs again. He stretched them out, preparing to run for his life. “Thanks Sunbutt, I knew you’d gotten attached to me.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Three minutes.”
“What!? Aww, c’mon…”
“Starting now…” she said, smiling evilly as she eyed the clock.
With an “oh-shit” look of his own, Anon sprinted for the door, leaving Celestia to contemplate the possible events of the past months, and if Twilight would leave enough of him to bury.
Anon was just inside the border of the Everfree forest when a lilac-colored mushroom cloud exploded behind him, taking out most of downtown Ponyville.
“He did WHAT!?” Twilight’s voice boomed over the city, echoing out over the city and rendering half the population of Ponyville permanently deaf. Which was the real tragedy here, considering how many song and dance numbers the average Ponyville citizen had to participate in under threat of imprisonment.
“Oh SHIT!” Anon cried, his legs somehow finding some new reserve of strength and pouring it on. Behind him was wrath embodied in a small, lilac blur. She was vengeance. She was fury. She was a mare that had been tricked into two months of free blowjobs.
He gave up after just a dozen steps. He could never outrun a rage-fuelled Twilight. She was a freakin’ rocket-propelled pony princess, fuelled by anger in its purest form. His last desperate hope was that he might reason with her. He turned, hands raised. “N-now Twilight, you wouldn’t abuse your favorite pet besides Spike, would you? I-I mean, what would ponies say!?”
There are many things one might say to calm an infuriated pony princess. That was not one of them. She flying-tackled him, flames pouring off her body as she used him as a landing pad, scorching his bare back while his face ate dirt. Then, she scooped him up in her magic and started slamming him against every random tree she saw, punctuating her every word with another hit against a branch: “YOU! COULD! HAVE! AT! LEAST! BOUGHT! ME! A! DRINK!”
After deforesting half the Everfree with Anon’s face, Twilight dropped the pervy human on his head and turned around with a ‘hmph!’ Then, as if thinking better, she stomped back to him, scribbled something out on a piece of scrap paper, and dropped it by his head. Somehow, despite breaking most of the bones in his body in ways that would astound medical professionals for decades, Anon managed to snatch the paper out of mid-air and turn it over in his hands. It was a phone number.
“Huh. Score.” He muttered behind his collapsed larynx.
Celestia swiftly swooped out of the sky beside him, landing gently by his head to glare daggers at him. He grinned and held up the scrap of paper for her to see. She shook her head. “Well Anon, you’ve shattered your body in ways that would make a Chinese contortionist do a double-take and probably done irreparable damage to your species’ reputation in ponies' eyes forever. You’ve spent two months shitting in the corner of a cage and crawling around in your underwear, all for the possibility of hooking up with a mare who’s so desperate that even after tricking her into being your personal prostitute for a month, she still wants to hook up with you. And now, after two months of unpracticed BJ’s from a mare who had no idea what she was doing when it would’ve run you just a few extra bits to hire some unsavory pony to give you the exact same thing but with more practice and less deception, I have to ask: was it worth it?”
Anon managed to shift the shattered remnants of his shoulders enough to prop his head up, catching full sight of the only bone in his body left unbroken. He smiled at the partially-naked tent poking out of his boxers, then grinned right up at the Princess, revealing teeth that most MMA fighters and hockey players would pity.
“Fuck yeah.”
Author's Note
Written because this exact plot point is popping up too often, and it's stupid. Really? We're supposed to believe that Celestia sends a highly-vulnerable alien off to a completely foreign place, and then doesn't get suspicious when she hears nothing from him for months on end? Absolutely nothing? Seriously? The mare's got a thousand years of experience under her belt, I think that'd set off a couple alarm bells after just one week without a peep, much less a few months.