Twilight Sparkle Invents Imitation Maple Syrup

by Sauron

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna
Length: 1859

The title is pretty self explanatory. Twilight makes syrup to save the Crystal Empire from imperialist Canadians.

When Twilight Sparkle learns that Celestia, Luna, and Cadence (not to mention her brother, Shining) gave up the Crystal Empire to land grabbing, tax taking, Canadian ponies, she must find a way to fix the situation. Given her incredible knowledge of politics and Pinkie's keen baking skills, there's no way they'll be defeated by Equestria's northern neighbor!

This story was written for the Canadance is Best Pony group, in a short amount of time, because apparently we "need moar Canadance naow" or something. And I was bored and have writer's block.

Published 2015-04-07 18:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-07 18:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1.1

Twilight Sparkle, newly proclaimed Princess of Friendship and all around Hero of Equestria, was reading the morning newspaper from her throne, which was actually quite comfortable for something that looked so uncomfortable.

"She did what!?" Twilight Sparkle suddenly screeched, causing Spike to fall right off his own throne onto the Crystal-tree-thing floor. "I mean, they did, and he did, and... huh?"

"Calm down Twilight. I'm sure whatever it is, you're overreacting and need to take a calm breath, like Princess Cadance taught you, remember?" Spike said in a cheery, calm voice. It was best to contain these things before they got out of hand.

"CALM DOWN!? CADANCE! Errrgh!" Twilight growled. "She gave up the Crystal Empire! To Canadians!"

"I- what?" Spike said, or maybe asked, it was kind of two sentences combined, one of which was a statement, and one of which was a question.

"Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadance gave up the Crystal Empire to Canada, the country immediately North of Equestria, because it apparently had it's borders expanded since the Crystal Empire disappeared one and a half thousand years ago! Can you believe it! I had to pass a test for the Crystal Empire to join Equestria as a free land, and then all that work is wasted because Princess Canadance, whoever that is, needed the tax money! I mean-"

Twilight continued to rant for another five minutes or so, but Spike had since taken to staring at the nearest wall as if he was saying "Can you believe what I go through?" to an audience of people watching him on a television show that they were probably way too old to be watching seriously.

"And on top of it all, my Brother agreed to it!" Twilight finished, huffing and puffing as if she had just completed the Equestrian Games triathlon.

"Look, Twilight, I'm sure those were all good reasons for why Equestria shouldn't have given up the Crystal Empire, but don't you think there's a good reason Princess Celestia agreed to let the... what were they called again, Can Aliens?"

"Canadians." Pinkie Pie interjected helpfully from the window she had just popped through.

"Right," Spike continued, "I'm sure Princess Celestia had a very good reason for giving the Empire to the Canadians. She is your old mentor, after all."

"The only reason she gave was a border dispute, which is ridiculous because the Crystal ponies have the right to determine self-governance. The Canadians annexed the land while the Crystal ponies weren't there to object." Twilight retorted. Honestly, Spike wasn't too great with politics anyways, so he couldn't object.

"Tee hee hee." Pinkie chuckled, stepping through the window into the room. "That wasn't the real reason."

"It wasn't?" Twilight was now confused, which tended to happen a lot whenever Pinkie Pie was around. Twilight had learned the rather questionable lesson of not wondering about anything Pinkie did however, and blindly put logic aside when dealing with her friend. Come to think of it, that was probably why she had recently decided to hand over all remaining magical power in Equestria to a villain who had proven he couldn't be trusted in order to free Pinkie Pie, and also Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike, and Discord.

"Yep," Pinkie Pie nodded, "It wasn't alright."

"Well then what was the reason?" Twilight asked, still thoroughly confused.

"It was Maple Syrup of course!" Pinkie Pie practically began to drool. "Sweet, yummy Maple Syrup. Cananada would cut off Equestria's supply of Maple Syrup if we made them angry!" Pinkie shouted, thoroughly shaking Twilight from the shoulders. "You wouldn't want that, would you?"

"Maple Syrup? Oh for the..." Twilight massaged her temples in a counterclockwise motion, which was actually only counterclockwise if you were looking at the left side of her head. This was somewhat relaxing, and did a good job of preventing Twilight's mane from spontaneously combusting.

Suddenly an idea clicked into her head. A marvelous, brilliant idea. It would work for sure. "Pinkie," Twilight said slowly, "How would you like to eat as much Maple Syrup as you want, while baking?"

"Would I!" Pinkie shouted.

Forty-eight hours later, all the preparation was complete, Pinkie was sick of sweets (an extremely rare event), and all the diplomats were meeting at the Crystal Palace.

Most of the other Princesses had already met in the Crystal Palace's lobby by the time Twilight and Spike rolled in a rather large cart covered in a white tablecloth. Celestia looked at Twilight quizzically, but didn't say anything. Cadance, however, immediately stood up and trotted over to Twilight, smiling.

Twilight stopped, turning to greet Cadence the expected way.

"Sunshine, Sunshine, Ladybugs awake! Clap your Ew..." Cadence said. "Twilight, why are your hooves all... sticky?"

"Oh, heh heh, that's part of my... solution." Twilight nervously answered, futilely trying to wipe the substance off of her hooves and onto the tablecloth.

The doors opened, and Luna arrived with Princess Canadance, who looked very un-princess-y in a sweater and wool cap. She wasn't even an Alicorn. Who ever heard of a unicorn princess, anyways? She even had a leaf for her cutie mark. What was that suppose to mean?

"Well, now that we're all here, I think we can begin, right?" Twilight asked, looking around at the gathered ponies.

"Yes, if that's okay with our guest." Celestia looked at Princess Canadance.

"Of course. I just want to know what all this is aboot." Canadance replied in a stereotypical Canadian accent the author could do nothing about because it was someone else's character.

Twilight continued: "I called you all here because I've done my research thoroughly." Spike could barely contain his urge to laugh out loud. "And believe I have a solution to our territory dispute."

"But we already reached a solution." Canadance objected.

"Actually, no." Twilight paused to pull a large chart from the bottom of the still covered cart. "I hipe you'll forgive the sy- the sticky stuff on this. You know how Pinkie can get."

"Who's Pinkie?" Canadance whispered to Luna.

"A pink fiend from Tartarus." Luna whispered back.

"I heard that!" Pinkie yelled in Sugar Cube Corner, which startled the Cakes and every customer getting their breakfast.

Setting the chart up, Twilight gestured to the first page, labeled "Diplomatic Processes in Equestria". She continued, "As you can see, Royal Edict 23.49.07 clearly states that all treaties must be ratified by all princesses of Equestria. Since I was a princess at the time, I would need to have ratified the treaty to cede the Crystal Empire to Canada. But I didn't. And I won't."

"But this is our land, eh."

Twilight flipped the page on the chart, now revealing a rather antiquated map of Northern Equestria. "As you can see, the Empire was a sovereign nation in 500 B.C.E., when it disappeared. Canada moved into the land it occupied later, without the approval of it's inhabitants, the Crystal ponies. That's an invasion of a sovereign nation. When the Empire reappeared, Equestria made the Empire a territory of Equestria, obligating us to defend it from foreign invasions."

"But what gives you the right to make it a territory?" Canadance calmly asked.

"The Crystal ponies of course," Twilight nonchalantly stated as she once again turned the page, now revealing a pie chart labeled "Sovereignty Survey Data". "As you can see, 71% of Crystal ponies support Equestrian rule through Princess Cadance, 18% support sovereign rule through Cadance, only 10% support Canadian rule through Cadance, and 1% said 'other'. Now, I looked into Canadian government, and even though you're a Princess, Canada is a parliamentary constitutional monarchy. According to your laws, the Crystal Empire can hold a referendum to secede from Canada, and if it passes it can be ratified by your Parliament. And I'm sure it will pass."

"Parliament wouldn't ratify it." Canadance said, now looking uneasy. It was clear this lavender made really had done her research.

"Then you'd be denying the will of the Crystal ponies! Such an action would be frowned upon by Equestria, and we might even impose trade sanctions."

"Now Twilight, let's not be rash..." Celestia began.

"What about the Maple Syrup!" Luna cried, whipping out a bottle of 100% Pure Maple Syrup, which she'd apparently been keeping in her mane. "What will we do without importing this irreplaceable breakfast condiment?"

"That's where this comes in." Twilight overdramatically stated while removing the white tablecloth from the cart at last. The cart was poled high with pancakes and bottles of liquid that resembled Maple Syrup. "Pinkie and I have perfected a concoction of high fructose corn syrup and fenugreek seed that tastes almost the same as Maple Syrup and is much, much cheaper to make. We already sold three hundred gallons of it to Sugar Cube Corner, and most of the customers didn't notice the difference."

"You are saying this imitator can replace our irreplaceable amber topping?" Luna asked.

"Try it yourself." Twilight said, pulling a stack of Pancakes from the cart and pouring golden Pancake Syrup all over them. Twilight handed it off to Luna.

Luna quickly dug in, shoveling the pancakes into her mouth at a pace that rivaled Celestia's tea drinking habits. "Hmmph," Luna said, mouth still full of breakfast for, "We think that it is not quite as good as our own true Syrup, but we require another plate of pancakes to top with our Maple Syrup, to compare."

Twilight gave Luna another stack of pancakes, which Luna immediately drenched in 100% Pure Imported Canadian Maple Syrup. She dug into those fluffy golden brown cakes, savoring the taste. "Your cheap imitation does not measure up to the superior real thing." Luna proclaimed.

"It seems you cannot so easily replace Maple Syrup." Celestia told Twilight.

"I believe we can." Twilight flipped her chart again. "I surveyed Ponyville and found that 75% of Equestrians would still buy our Pancake Syrup over Maple Syrup, even after having tasted both. And a survey of the local school shows that 95% of foals can't even tell the difference. All we have to do is slap a picture of Celestia on the label and make the price tags obvious, and ponies will buy the fake stuff anyways."

"Hmm..." Luna looked conflicted. "We think perhaps we could give up our amber ambrosia for an inferior product if it meant keeping the Crystal Empire."

"No, wait!" Princess Canadance cried. "You can keep the Crystal Empire, just do do this. Maple Syrup makes up 99% of our exports. Keep the Empire, just take that abominable imitation and send it to Tartarus, never make it or sell it again!"

"Deal." It was now Twilight who looked smug, as she pulled out a scroll that, sure enough, banned the production and sale of imitation Maple Syrup in Equestria and ceded the Crystal Empire to Equestria.

"H-how did you know it'd turn oat like this?" Canadance asked the youngest princess, dumbfounded by Twilight's ability to have predicted what deal Canadance would agree to.

"I did my research, which included your export data. Studying helps." Twilight replied as the Princesses signed of on the new treaty.

Author's Note

I regret nothing.