I Am The One Who Knocks!

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Random
Length: 1136

Walter White shows up at the Golden Oaks library door with a message for Rainbow Dash.

Walter White shows up at the Golden Oaks library door with a message for Rainbow Dash.

Rated T for language, I guess.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-07 22:40:02 UTC

Knock, Knock!

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

"I'll get it," Rainbow said, nuzzling her marefriend.

"Thanks," Twilight responded before looking back down at Thumb Twiddling For Dummies. As always, Lyra's tastes in science fiction were spectacular!

"Alright, Love." Rainbow flew over to the door, flinging it open to see who was knocking so early in the morning.

"I am the one who knocks!"

"Um, okay?"

"I am!"

"Yes?"

"The one!"

"Okay, buddy, you're getting-"

"WHO KNOCKS!!"

"Didn't we just establish this?" Rainbow asked with a grimace. "Twilight told me that you humans can be pretty weird, but this is unbelievable!"

"Little pony, guess what?"

Rainbow sighed. "What?"

"I am-"

"Let me guess, the one who knocks?" Rainbow grumbled.

"The one who knocks!" Walter White agreed happily, a small trail of drool dripping down his mouth. He'd obviously been testing out his latest batch, and boy was it some good stuff.

"Okay, that's nice dude, but I've got some, uh, other stuff to do."

Walter found the small, round door to the Ponyville Library slammed in his face. With a shrug, he walked off to go bother somepony else.

"That was...a thing."

"Are you alright, Rainbow?" Twilight asked, looking up from her engrossing research in human hand gestures. "You seem a bit out of sorts."

"Oh, it wasn't anything serious. This guy showed up at our doorstep for no real reason, insisting that he's the guy who knocks." Rainbow flopped lazily onto the couch next to her marefriend. "Honestly, I'd expect salesponies, but all he wanted to do was advertise something that's obvious. Of course he's the guy who knocks! Everypony does at some point."

"I don't know if that was what he meant by that," Twilight said. "I heard you mentioning something about him being a human?"

"Well, he was a bald, naked monkey of some sort. The only species I know of that meets that description is humans, right?"

"I suppose. Did he have-"

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

"Just a second, Twi," Rainbow said, hopping up. "I'll get that."

The athletic pegasus was just opening the door when she was greeted by the six words she'd rather not hear again:

"I am the one who knocks!"

"It's going to be a long day, isn't it?" Rainbow sighed.

Pony society would be considered a utopia by most humans' standards. Despite having three diverse tribes, several outlying species, and a range of dialects and ideals that conflicted in almost every way imaginable, Celestia's leadership had managed to do something humankind had never managed: peace.

After managing to achieve the egalitarian miracle, ponykind (and its friends) had grown fairly complacent. Without racial tensions and financial disparity to keep people suspicious of one another, there had been little need for restrictive lawmaking to fill in for all of the stupid, annoying kinds of things that were expected not to be done by social standards.

This, of course, happened to include harassment. While Pinkie Pie could be a hoof-full, even she generally knew to back off when her antics started to exasperate her friends. Our dear antagonist Walter White, however, had no such restraint. Unfortunately for both Twilight and Rainbow Dash, there had never been a law set in place to give restraining orders in the case of harassment, and their property was property of the state. They could no more stop Walter White from knocking than they could stop Celestia from walking into the royal throne room.

Three days.

It'd been three days since the cursed human had showed his bald, wrinkled, ugly wreckage of a face at their doorstep and yet they couldn't seem to shake him. He'd show up every few hours to knock, be it day or night. Neither Twilight nor Rainbow had slept comfortably in that entire time.

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

"You going to get it this time, Twi?"

"You drew the short straw for this hour," the purple pony princess replied, her bloodshot eyes not even quite focusing on the words she was staring at.

"Alright then," Rainbow said. "I'll just check it."

"I am the one who-"

The exhausted pegasus slammed the door in his face with a groan. "Do you know any ways to get away with murder, Twi?" she asked over her shoulder.

"No, unfortunately. We could always hide the body, but that comes with the risk of it being found. Even my status as a princess won't get me out of that one." Twilight put a hoof under her chin, deep in thought. "Of course, we could always try to provoke him. While self-defense is still enough to raise eyebrows for someone of my station, anything would be better than-"

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

"Celestia's third nipple!" Rainbow shouted in annoyance.

"Rainbow!"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry Twi. I'm just at the end of my rope here. Cut me some-"

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

"You going to answer that?" Rainbow asked.

Twilight snored in response.

"Whatever," the rainbow mare said with a sigh. "I'll just give this guy a piece of my mind."

Rainbow Dash strode over to the door with righteous anger in every hoofstep. Her face grew darker as she fanned her wings out to look intimidating.  With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and threw the front door open.

"Get the fuck off of our property, you annoying stupid cunt! No one loves you, you worthless excuse of an animal! I hope you choke on a sack of used dildos, you steaming pile of shi-"

"D-Dashie?"

Rainbow opened her eyes to find a hurt looking Fluttershy in front of her. She mentally cursed every god she knew of, both mythological and real, for the needlessly cruel set of circumstances they'd thrown on her lap. She wouldn't be surprised if Celestia was sitting up on her watchtower, laughing up a storm at all of this.

"F-Fluttershy, I didn't know it was-"

It was Rainbow's turn to get the door slammed in her face. Curse those Equestrian two way doors! She stumbled onto her hooves to find a crying Fluttershy running off to the sanctuary of her cottage.

"Thank you, Universe," she muttered darkly. Rainbow had a distraught mare to console.

Two hours and a lot of asking forgiveness later, and Rainbow Dash found herself trotting back home to find the human knocking at the front door to her home.

"Hey, fuckface!" she shouted at him. "Has anyone ever told you that harassment is rude?"

"I am the one who knocks!"

"I know that, dumbass! Get off my lawn! NOW!!"

"I am the one who knocks!"

"I said to get off my lawn, you ugly-"

Rainbow jumped back as she watched the human turn into a pile of purple goo. She looked up to find a sadistic looking Twilight smiling at her.

"What'd you-"

"I just remembered that he isn't an Equestrian citizen."

The End