My Adventures in Equestria

by ThatDiscordGuy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 7735

Time for me to embark in the most awesome and most original adventure ever.

A parody of a genre of fanfiction that we oh so love and hate. This was done out of pure enjoyment, not spite. Except for one particular fanfic that I shall not name ever. Flyingspud does know so ask him about it.

Remember: I don't hate the Self Insert genre. I have read some self inserts that I enjoyed very much. I just really hate the bad ones. Those are like the worst things I have ever read in fanfiction. I can name a few but that's a different story for a different day.

Contains just about every character I care about but I can't just put all their character tags. That would just be silly and against the rules.

Published 2012-05-13 00:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-27 20:51:03 UTC

It begins with tragedy

It begins with tragedy

Earth, a place of humanity, a place where everyone has it decent, a place where one is a human and acts like a human, but most of all a place of peace for everyone. Except for one person and one person in particular. That would be me.

Hello, my name is John Smith and I am one of the few people that suffer day to day tragedies. What are these horrifying things you may be thinking? Well there is that one instance where I lost my favourite hat. It was such a terrible crisis that I had to skip my best friend's funeral. His family called me an asshole for some reason and called me a monster even when I told them my very viable excuse (I think they were just jealous of my amazingly dashing looks and charm. There was another time when Murphy's law was being an asshole that day and decided to pop my tire on my very awesome car. I ended up borrowing a tire after breaking someone's car and their face. They called the police on me, what a jerk but thankfully I escaped because I don't deserve this kind of treatment. But the worst of all is when I went to my favourite donut shop and they were out of my usual donuts of choice. I was so angry that I pulled out guns out of nowhere and decided to shot up the place. I got arrested but because I'm so awesome, the judge let my free of charge. But I still didn't get my donuts so I shot up the place.

If you thought those were bad you haven't seen my personal life. Back then I was a victim of parental abuse, I never found out why it was like this so I just chalked it up as them being assholes because this universe hates me. I also never grew up with many friends throughout my life (I only had about 5 friends during 20 years) and was hated or never accepted consistently for no reason whatsoever. Again I just chalked this up as the universe being a jerk to me and only me. No one else suffers as much as me on this planet or in this universe or even the multiverse.

As you can see my life is horrible. Why can't the universe bend to my whims? Anyways, after these tragic accidents I found out about a certain show that my only friend showed me one day. This show was called My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. The more I watched it the more I lamented about how awesome it would be to live in Equestria. Friends, Nice weather unlike the weather on earth where it's always dreary, and most of all free donuts. But I knew that this was impossible. Not until that faithful day.

I woke up to the usual weather on this planet. When I went down stairs to get my usual breakfast, there was something different about outside. For some reason there was sun outside which is impossible for this planet. Back to my breakfast I got my usual bread to make my usual buttered toast. As I popped in the bread into the toaster I obliviously missed something important that would be the last epic tragedy I could take. You guys aren't going to believe this. The toaster dial was up to it's maximum power. After few suspicious minutes I got up from watching Friendship is Magic to get my toast. But I noticed that the toast was charred black. This was the last straw.

I put on my royal canterlot voice and screamed to the heavens.

"WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE PITY ON ME? WHY DO YOU ONLY TARGET ME? WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE KIDS IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY? THEY HAVE IT EASY!" I screamed like a little kid who goes to the mall and doesn't get what he or she wants.

As I stomped out of my house like I had the rage virus from 28 Days Later I noticed even more things about the great weather. There was a beautiful meadow, trees like you wouldn't believe, little critters that should not be in the same area such as chipmunks and monkeys, and for some reason everything looked like a cartoon. As we all know those don't exist on Earth because earth is an incredibly depressing place filled with pain and torment if you are the wrong person, such as me. I pondered for a moment until it finally clicked in my super genius level mind.

I was in Equestria for some arbitrary, unexplained reason and I brought the whole fucking house that was filled with guns because I'm a solider for no reason now and motorcycles that require no normal full whatsoever but they are fueled by my sheer awesomeness, will, and determination. Maybe god was finally showing me pity? Or maybe because I'm just so awesome that I just tore through the dimensional drift and ended up here. It will never be explained.

"I didn't want to live on that planet any longer and it seems I got my ultimate brony wish." I thought. Another thought came to my mind shortly after but this wasn't a pleasant thought but it was a raged fueled one. "WHY DIDN'T WISH I FOR MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DONUTS!" I screeched but in a manly way.

"um...is somepony there." said a quiet, shy voice.

To be continued.

Wandering the Everfree Forest

"Who said that." I said to no one in particular. I thought for a while before coming with the idea that it was just the wind messing with me like usual. Wait a minute... I thought with my massive amount of knowledge.

Quiet voice, overuse of the world um, I'm in Equestria for no reason at all, and I'm in a meadow full of life and animals unlike Earth where everything is very life less. If logic indicates then it must be either Fluttershy or Chrysalis because she was totally thrown towards the forest and not the desert if all those shipping stories a correct. I'm thinking that it's Fluttershy but I'm not for certain. Maybe Chrysalis is taking the form of Fluttershy and this is all just an excuse to meet Chrysalis.

As I stood there and pondered life's question I heard low pitched growling noises from the shrub. These didn't phase me because I was still thinking this brain buster of a riddle so the low pitched growl turned into a medium pitched growl but I was still thinking. The medium pitched growl finally turned into a high pitched, whiny growl (unlike my voice) and finally got my angry attention. I once again prepared my Royal Canterlot voice and screamed at the thing that doesn't speak or understand English because yelling at stuff that can't yell back makes me feel good about myself.

"SHUT THE BUCK UP YOU GOD DAMN THING! I'M TRYING TO THINK HERE IF IT'S FLUTTERSHY OR CHRYSALIS THAT IS CALLING OUT TO ME! SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, LUNA, DISCORD, CADANCE, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS A GOD LIKE BEING IN THIS UNIVERSE SHUT THE BUCK UP BECAUSE I'M MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU WILL EVER BE!"

With that the thing jumped out as if it were in a Micheal Bay movie (complete with slow motion and an explosion) and revealed itself to be a Manticore. But it wasn't just a Manticore because it had a pack of 20 other Manticores crawl out of the small shrub as if it were a small ass clown car thus making 21 manticores come out of a small useless shrub. They all surrounded me and were ready to rip my shit apart but the only thought that came to my head was

Challenge Accepted. I was getting bored without the mindless violence that I partake in everyday because everything on Earth was out for my blood. True Story.

I felt like initiating the battle so I ran a blistering speeds that would make Rainbow Dash jealous because I now have super speed for no reason and ran behind the first three manticores that were closest to me and grabbed them by the stingers. These certain manticores could only squeal from the sudden grasp on the stingers as I twirled them around like a fly swatter when trying to kill that pesky weasel that invaded my home and annoyed the crap out of me.

Just like the incident with the weasel I got bored quickly and decided to throw them 100 meters in the air because now I have super strength but then again I always had that so nothing changed. As these manticores flew away I wasn't pleased with my performance so I flew up towards them for no reason because I can fly now and used my magic that I acquired because I can and flung them around like Garry's Mod rag dolls. I got bored of this so I pulled a rocket launcher out of my ass and blew them to Tartarus because they were monsters that were following their instincts so them deserve to die.

As I landed I just realized that there were 18 manticores left and ready to avenge their fallen companions. I didn't feel like fighting them normally because I still had to find out if that voice belonged to Fluttershy or Chrysalis. So my eyes turned red for no reason and I shot a super awesome heat beam that vaporized the remaining 18 manticores. With this experience behind I walked off not thinking twice about my informed abilities because for all the hell I went through on Earth, I deserve these so that I can be even more awesome.

As I wandered around the forest in source of the voice (which by this time whatever pony I was searching for was no where to be seen due to all the action that just happened) I went into my thinking mode and thought about Fluttershy.

Fluttershy is best pony because she is so adorable and had some badass moments such as when she stared down a cockatrice. Back on Earth I would always talk about how Fluttershy was awesome and flame, threaten, and murder people if they said otherwise and did not follow my opinion like it were fact or if they didn't like ponies. What should I say when I meet her. Unless if it's Chrysalis then that would be wacky but she is not the best villain but still cool regardless...

As I thought and walked like a boss I ran into something. As I looked up what I saw was mind blowing. It was a tall figure encased in stone. It had the head of a goat the had the expression of fear (a feeling that I don't know), two different antlers, the body of a serpent, a talon and lion paw for arms and hands which were sticking out as if he was going to get punched, two different wings that contradicted each other, and the legs of a donkey and a lizard, but most of all it had a badass beard and funny looking eyebrows.

Speaking of best villain, there he is in all it's glory.

It was the statue of Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. For some reason it was in the Everfree Forest and not in the Canterlot Gardens as a display because that's the best thing to do with your greatest enemy (proven with Season 2 episode 1 that nothing can go wrong). I just walked up to it and picked it up and carried it with me because you never know when you would need a reality warper at your disposal, a philosophy that I follow dearly. With this I continued on my merry way to look for whoever I was looking for but who cares because I just found the statue of Discord.

Now if I can just find Chrysalis and somehow get Nightmare Moon back in action then we can have an awesome adventure of epic per-portions.

And so I continued on my merry way in hopes of finding Fluttershy.

To be Continued again.

A Changeling in Direction

As I continued to venture in the Everfree Forest I felt unstoppable. Finally I was in Equestria, finally the universe took pity on me, finally everything is going to be okay, and finally I was off that hell hole of a planet. While this all seemed fan and good, there was still some bad. Wildlife that ranged from Manticores to Timberwolves (surprisingly no normal animals turned up, guess they were with Fluttershy) tried to ruin my fun but they really can't ruin my fun anymore because they're all dead because I'm just that awesome. After a while of relishing in my pure awesomeness I started to notice that this forest looked the same at every turn. I started to rage inside.

Why does this forest look the damn same at every turn? This place is stupid because if I can't figure out where to go with my I.Q of 300, then no one can figure it else. It's impossible and stupid. It's totally the forest who is stupid and not me because I'm usually amazing with directions….

As I continued to walk around in circles and rage at the bizarre, magical, shape shifting, forest that is also stupid I noticed that I walked into an even more eerie section of the Everfree Forest. It was even darker than before even though it was in broad daylight, there were strange noises that kind of sounded like bugs buzzing around and rustling from places that I couldn’t see (awesome eyesight was something I didn’t have), and for some reason I felt and saw green goo everywhere. I started to think again.

Seems legit, this setting reminds me of the time that I had to kill this giant green blob monster that was trying to eat the moon and sun. Of course I stopped it because I’m just that awesome though it was a good battle because the thing actually had me on the ropes but I pulled through and banished it with my dimension warping capabilities. Due to Earth and humanity being a giant asshole to me, I didn’t get rewarded or any recognition.

I was brought out of my pondering time (which I have a lot of) by the noises coming closer. I didn’t really care for these so I continued on in this goo covered forest. Things got even creeper which was odd because I rarely got creped out. I didn’t really think much of this still so I continued. As the noise grew louder and more persistent, I became much faster with my walking. It reached to the point that I was walking at a speed that one may consider speed walking. Finally the noises stopped but from behind me something jumped out and seemed ready to attack.

It was a Changeling. How cool is that?

As I tapped into my inner brony I started to talk to the lone changeling.

“Cool it’s a changeling. How did you get here? How did you catch up to me? Can you change into me so I can how awesome I am because it seems that there are no mirrors around? There are so many things to ask but so little time to get answers because I need to find mai waifu so can you please answer them quickly.” I said excitedly while I was pulling out a piece of paper that had questions that were fit for a changeling on it because who doesn’t?

As I bombarded the changeling with questions, I ignored the fact that it obviously looked ready to attack but who cares because it was a damn changeling. Those things were awesome. The changeling seemed to just stand there, trying to be all intimidating. I noticed this and decided to snap the changeling with my great charisma.

“Awww, the little changeling thinks it can intimidate me. Normally I would take this as a sign to destroy you completely because you are challenging me to a throw down but how can I kill something that is so adorable. You things are the most adorable pony bug things in this world.” I said in a smug voice. The changeling just looked flustered.

With this changeling’s attention caught I decided to ask it the most important question.

“Where is your queen? If you know then take me to your leader for I have an important meeting to attend with her.”

This seemed to alarm the changeling as it lunged towards me. I quickly dodged the speeding changeling missile. When the changeling missed it ran into a tree and knocked itself out. I laughed at this changeling’s fail.

“Is that the best you’ve got? Seriously how did you things almost take over Equestria? Is this a joke of some kind because you’ve sure hit my funny bone?” I said between laughter. This was the point in time that I noticed that I was surrounded by what seems to be hundreds upon hundreds of changelings. I just stared blankly towards them.

“I guess this is how you almost took over. You just did the zerg tactic and decided to just overwhelm Canterlot with thousands upon thousands of expendable units. I just hate that dreaded zergling rush, especially when my friends use it against me. Although I do love zergling rushing my friends cause it pisses them off.” is all I could say.

The changelings just looked at each other blankly, probably wondering what the hell a zergling was. I just sighed.

“Never mind, let’s just get this over with. Challenge accepted I guess. I can take you all on for I am John Smith.” is all I said before the mini changeling army charged towards me but before they charged they made sure to confirm my suspicions that Queen Chrysalis was around.

“DEFEND THE QUEEN!!!” is all they shouted before they initiated combat.

Normally I could just step out of the way and easily dodge their pathetic head-butt attacks but there were so many of them it was hard to avoid one without running into another. This was going to take some amount of skill because I didn’t feel like out right destroying them with my supreme battle powers. So I resorted to just trying to make them hit each other in hopes of knocking themselves out. This worked out before one smart ass changeling decided to transform into me. This angered me inside greatly.

“You think that you can steal my devilishly handsome image without my permission!? Such a crime is punishable by a horrible death at the hand of me you fool!!” is all I yelled before I shot my awesome heat beam at the idiot changeling.

The changelings in the area could only look in fear as one of their best men was burning alive. After the changeling burned into a crisp the onlookers could only stare at what was now the remains of an ally changeling. The changelings decided that transforming into this thing that called itself John Smith was not the best idea. Unfortunately their run into the enemy with blinding speed was their only option of attack. So they continued on doing so.

This was starting to get tiring for me. When I thought I was done with the rush, another one came shortly after. They weren’t hard to defeat at all, it’s just that wave after wave it gets kind of tiring and it depletes your stamina after a while. Soon I was becoming overrun by changelings and couldn’t really do anything about. This was exactly like a normal game of StarCraft with my friends.

“DAMN CHANGELINGS, WHY CAN’T I JUST SEE YOUR QUEEN, ARE YOU JUST LIKE THOSE ANNOYING ZERGLINGS THAT WON’T LET ME GET AN EXPANSION!?” is all I could yell before getting swarmed by another wave of changelings.

While all seemed futile I just kept fighting. I had to keep up my name of John Smith so I couldn’t lose, not to a bunch of underlings. That’s just embarrassing. When all seemed lost, something suddenly happened.

“Cease this at once my drones!” boomed an echoing female voice. Was this who I think it was?

Suddenly a giant pillar of green fire came out of nowhere. As the pillar of fire ceased it revealed someone that I was looking forward to see for a while. It was Queen Chrysalis in all her changeling glory. In an instant every changeling in the area stopped and kneeled (or as best as a creature on four legs could kneel) to their queen. Chrysalis just glared down at me.

“Who and what might you be and why are you fighting all my drones?” is all Chrysalis said in a cold voice.

“I’m John Smith and I’m here to see you. Also I’m here to look for an exit so I can get out of this stupid place.” I said with all my confidence coming back full force. Nothing can keep me down.

Chrysalis just kept glaring at me; surely this wasn’t going very well. The next thing Chrysalis said kind of surprised me.

“Very well, follow me.” is all she said as she signaled me to follow along.

As I followed along a single thought came to my head.

I’m not getting out of here anytime soon am I? At least Chrysalis is awesome.

With that I went deeper into what seems to be the changeling’s encampment.

Next Time: The Obligatory Chrysalis Chapter

John Smith: Master Psychiatrist

John Smith: Master Psychiatrist

As I continued to follow Chrysalis deeper into the Changeling Encampment I noticed a few things. The deeper we went into the encampment, the more the encampment became twisted then the normal Everfree Forest. Complete with more goo, more odd plants, more changelings that most likely want to kill me and most of all no donut shops. Usually this would make a person want to run away at an incredibly fast speed. Thankfully I was too awesome to not be scared off. I started to think again.

This is just like Earth because Earth is such a horrible place. Hell this might even be an improvement compared to Earth. At least the locals are cool….

Before I could get my thoughts completed I was interrupted by Chrysalis. Chrysalis just turned around with an inquisitive look on her face.

“What’s Earth?” Chrysalis simply questioned.

“How did you read my thoughts?” I asked in shocked manner.

“I can simply read thoughts. What’s wrong with that?” Chrysalis replied with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

I just looked at her confused. Going through my great stronghold of knowledge and understanding, I couldn’t find anything in my mind that could tell me how Chrysalis could read thoughts. I simply decided to get angry and ask Chrysalis what the hell this was about.

“OBJECTION!!!! That never happened in the season finale of season two. You never read anyone’s thoughts. You just simply drained love from Shining Armor and almost took over Canterlot. You’re wrong and I’m right.” I shouted. Chrysalis just looked at me confused.

“What the Tartarus are you talking about? Also how do you know this much about me? You also didn’t answer my previous question, what’s Earth? ” Chrysalis said with a large hint of anger in her voice. I guess she didn’t like being yelled at by others. I just sighed at this.

“Never mind, I guess some things are better left unexplained. I’ll also answer all your questions when we arrive at the place you are taking me.” I replied back making the decision because John Smith trumps Queen. Chrysalis just stood there thinking for a moment. This took a while.

“Very well.” Is all Chrysalis said before we continued our trek towards where ever the hell we were going.

Sooner or later we arrived at the location that Chrysalis was taking me to. It was just a random cave in the heart of the encampment. As we entered the cave I noticed some things. Inside the cave wasn’t covered in green goo much like outside. It was actually kind of regal looking, complete with some furniture that looks very out of place. This cave looked fit for a Queen, well as fit as a cave in the middle of a stupid forest could be. As soon as we entered the opening of the cave was blocked by larger and much more intimidating than usual changelings. With this I placed the statue of Discord (I still have this thing) down and brought up a chair because I guess I wasn’t leaving for a while. From the looks of it, Chrysalis was also getting comfortable. This was going to take a while.

I decided that this was a good time to start my barrage of questions. I slowly pulled out another sheet of paper that held my top 100 questions for Chrysalis to answer. These questions were of great importance and for great science. Questions ranged from ‘why do you have holes in your legs?’ to ‘Can I brush your mane?’ As you can clearly see, these questions are more important than Chrysalis’s boring ones such as ‘what are you?’ or ‘how do you know me?’ or my personal favourite ‘why are you here?’

When I pulled out my very long list of questions, it suddenly got shot out of my hands by a green magical bolt. When it landed on the cave floor, it just disintegrated into ashes. As I looked towards Chrysalis, she had a menacing look in her eyes. This angered me, how dare she destroy my fun?

“What the hell was that for! I was going to ask you some very important questions! “I yelled. My yell echoed in this cave for added effect, or maybe I have the secrets of the Royal Canterlot Voice nailed down perfectly. Either way, what the hell? Chrysalis seemed even more angered at my outburst.

She must really hate getting yelled at. I thought.

“Indeed I do Mr. Smith.” Chrysalis replied annoyed. I forgot that she could read my mind. No point in thinking around her I guess.

“You followed me into my base so I think I get the rights to question you.” said Chrysalis.

We looked at each other menacingly for a while. About 5 minutes later I decided that I would answer a few questions before I asked mine. Why not humor her?

“Can I ask something very important first? How did you land in the Everfree Forest if you got shot towards the desert?” is all I asked.

Chrysalis just stood there, somehow standing on two hooves while lifting her two front hooves to the front of her face and simply said “Portals.”

“That explains a lot.” is all I replied with. One question down, 99 more to go.

“Good. Now you’re going to answer every question I have and you’re going to answer them with the most truth you can muster. Don’t even try to lie, I’m the master of deception after all so I can easily tell if you are lying or telling the truth. Such a skill the changelings and I picked up after many years of lying.” said Chrysalis in the most intimidating voice she could muster. I found this adorable because I’m never intimidated by anything. Well everything except for spiders, those things are scary.

“Whatever living lie detector.” is all I said while being as nonchalant as possible. Chrysalis just glared at me for in insolence.

“First of all, what are you?” asked Chrysalis.

“I’m John Smith and I’m a human.” is all I said.

“Okay, what’s a human? I’ve never heard of a human before” asked Chrysalis suspiciously.

“Why should I tell you what one is if I’m in front of you?” I said annoyed. This was going to take a while. Chrysalis took this as a signal and decided to look around at me.

“Taking it all in I see, I guess that makes sense because I am just so amazing that even the Queen of the changelings can’t keep her hooves off me.” I said in a smug voice with a goofy grin. This just annoyed the Chrysalis more than anything. After Chrysalis got the idea of what a human is she decided to ask her most important question.

“Why were you looking for me?” Chrysalis simply asked.

“I was looking for you because I wanted to ask you some questions. But after you destroyed my paper I can’t ask them anymore. So now I’m just here answering your boring questions. That entire changeling bashing scenario was for nothing. What a rip off.” I said in an angry voice. Chrysalis seemed alarmed at this and asked.

“Why were you attacking my subjects? Why didn’t you come after me specifically? Didn’t you notice that they were in bad shape? I can take the punishment of the blast from Canterlot but they can’t.”

Now that Chrysalis mentioned it they did look in pretty bad shape. When I looked back they had torn wings, they looked battered and bruised, and some of them looked reluctant to even fight. They were just trying to defend their queen but who cares if I beat a lot of them into a pulp, I’m John Smith. The only way I could reply was

“I tried to but they attacked me when I asked for you. There faults for starting it.” I said fully annoyed. It’s those fools fault that they were in bad shape, not mine.

Chrysalis didn’t say anything. As I looked up to her she looked sad. I felt a pang of guilt grow inside me. She might be evil and kind of a bitch but from the looks of it she really did care for her subjects. I mean that’s the only reason why she tried to takeover Equestria and not for the sheer pleasure of conquest and ruining the lives of all ponies.

Tapping into my inner humanity I decided to go over to Chrysalis and comfort her. Chrysalis first tried to get away but soon started to just not care. Her subjects were dying and there was nothing she could really do. I put my arm over her and said.

“Want to talk about it Champ?”

Chrysalis just stared up at me before deciding to tell her life story. Maybe this ‘human’ wouldn’t judge her.

“All I was trying to do was feed my subjects; if I just took over Equestria then my subjects would be prosperous.”

“Why did you try to takeover then? What’s wrong with your main land?” I simply asked.

“Our main land suffers from extreme droughts because for some reason clouds don’t move by themselves and the weather also never changes for some reason so our main food supply can’t be grown so we have to depend on our abilities to feed off of love.” replied Chrysalis.

I just remembered that weather works differently on this planet. Pegasi are the main reasons why the weather in Equestria is so glorious and I’ve heard that there are some places that the weather works normally such as the Everfree Forest. I didn’t know that this also applied to the Changeling’s main land. Knowing the status of the changelings towards ponies, I didn’t think that they would be willing to help out the changelings with their weather problems.

“Can’t you just feed of the love of each other?” I asked.

“We can and we do in times of extreme circumstances but this can only keep us feed for a short period of time. We need the love of other races to stay alive.” Chrysalis replied.

“Why didn’t you try to negotiate with Equestria? I mean conquering other countries can be good if you do manage to takeover. But what would you do after most of the ponies inevitably die from your rule? You wouldn’t be able to grow more food. You can take over everything else when Equestria is dead but then what? If you negotiated then you could have made a deal where everyone benefits.” I replied.

“What’s negotiation?” said Chrysalis while looking up to me confused as if I spoke in an ancient language. I just sighed at this.

“You know negotiation. It’s when two different beings work out a deal that benefits both sides, simple as that. Surely you’ve negotiated with others before.” I replied. Chrysalis just thought a little before coming up with a reply.

“I can’t say I have, it’s the Changeling mentality to take what you want, when you want. It’s been like that since my Parents have ruled.” replied Chrysalis who was losing the cold edge to her voice. Again I just sighed at this because it looked like she was a victim of extreme parental guidance.

“Also how can we negotiate with nations that reject us from their societies?” said Chrysalis. I thought about this for a while before coming up with a conclusion.

“Say, how many times has your nation tried to takeover something?” I asked while almost coming to a conclusion. Chrysalis beamed with a smile.

“In all of Changeling history, we as a nation have invaded about ten different countries. There might be more times but I’m not sure. This attempt was actually our most successful attempt yet. There are also some renegade changelings in Equestria running around.” replied Chrysalis. I just stared at her with my best poker face.

“There’s the problem. It’s not because your kind is different. You’ve been shunned from society because you tried to invade and takeover society many times. I don’t think that this gives your kind good publicity. Maybe you should stop trying to take over everything if you want your kind to survive.” This was my ending quote for this discussion. Chrysalis just stood there and thought for a while again.

“You might be right. I will think more about this ‘negotiation’ business. But how do we do this if we are already Equestria’s public enemy number one.” questioned Chrysalis.

“Good question. I’m going to explore Equestria for a while so if by any chance I get to meet the Celestia and Luna, I’ll throw in a word that you are not that bad and only want to help your people. Or maybe you can be risky and send in a party to do your bidding. Who knows?” I said.

“I’ll see where this goes. Thank you Mr. Smith for your help.” Chrysalis said gracefully and losing all the coldness in her voice.

“It was a pleasure. Now I must go, mai waifu needs me.” With that said I was about to leave. Before I was about to leave, for some reason green goo went around my feet and hardened. I struggled to get out of it by to no avail. Even with my powers there is no way to break out of hardened green goo, the strongest substance in the multi verse. With this happening Chrysalis walked up to me. I just looked at her with mock fear.

“Before you go, why not stay around. I’m in dire need for some love right now. “Chrysalis was dangerously close now. “ Consider this the last ‘evil’ thing I do” Chrysalis seductively whispered in my ear. All I could do was just look blankly before the inevitable happened.

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!" Is all I yelled. Chrysalis just jumped back confused.

"Wait no, this is the part where you're supposed to scream with a long overdone no. Just like that Shining Armor guy."Chrysalis tried to explain to me. I just thought for a second before doing it right.

"I knew that." I said with shifty eyes. No one will ever know about this minor screw up. Doing it right I got on my knees, put my hands in the air and took a deep breath. This was going to be a doozy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"I yelled.

"How was that?" I asked.

"Perfect."

The two Changeling guards just stood there while they were hearing loud questionable noises coming from within the cave. This went on for a while before one guard spoke up.

"I don't get paid enough for this." said guard one.

"We don't get paid at all." replied guard two

"My point exactly, why don't we just leave. Who would even care if two random guards left, we all look the same so no one would ever notice? When we leave we could go on crazy adventures and shenanigans." said guard one. Guard two thought for second.

"You're right, let's get out of here."

And this was the end of guard duty for guard one and two forever. They went off in different directions to have some fun around Equestria.

Morning

After that whole session of craziness I thought it was the time to actually leave. Before I could make it out of the cave Chrysalis woke up.

"You're leaving already?"asked Chrysalis with a hint of sadness in her voice.

"I must go now if I want to do all the stuff I want to do. That includes getting you good publicity." I said before leaving

"Okay, please visit sometime soon." Is all Chrysalis said before I left. When I turned to leave I remembered something. I walked up a picked up the statue of Discord.

"Can't forget this now can I. I will also mail you the bill for my services." that`s when I left for good.

As I left I felt revitalized by the fresh air. This place was still creepy looking but I got used to it. I also noticed that the guards were gone.

Now time to find the blasted exit of this forest.

That's when I realized that the exit was right beside me. I just dropped to my knees and screamed and yelled at the top of my lungs.

"STUPID SHAPE SHIFTING FOREST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I ran out of the Everfree Forest in a rage.

Next Time: I Don't know yet, I'll think of something.

Author's Notes: Yes I did just infer clop, what of it? Why, because he's a Marty Stu that's why. Also my friend wanted me to write that so I did. The whole Everfree forest ark is now complete. Now time for the Ponyville part of the story. It will be fun.

Interlude: Black Watch's Grand Day Out

This was written in about 30 minutes, this is about my friend's OC Black Watch, this was also the first thing I wrote for the internets. I'm putting this here because it doesn't deserve its own story. After this I will start planning for the Ponyville ark of My Adventures in Equestria and get chapter 5 finished soon. Also logic is overrated, don't you think?

One day Black Watch was walking and cloping in a jungle for no reason because he loves the smell of burnt carcases in the morning, afternoon, and evening. While doing nothing of importance he just kept going and going because the author said so, so it must happen. He came up to a random tree that looked exactly like the ones around him and basically everything else.

But this wasn't just a random tree for it was The Random Tree that supposedly held the 7th element of no importance. Incidentally this element represented bullshit or nitrogen because that's what the 7th element is. Black Watch couldn't resist the temptation of becoming a god mode sue and gain the power to defeat any villain by himself so he snatched it and ran quickly out of the jungle but didn't want to stay for fun and games (the bastard). He ran north...far north.

Later that day he returned to Ponyville because that's where all OCs live or want to live because the mane six live here but more specifically Rainbow Dash lives here, so it makes shipping very convenient. Black Watch called a meeting with his bestest pals a colt can have (and probably mate with). His pals were indeed the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. When everything was set up, he started the meeting. Finally he would be the Leader of the Elements and prove to Celestia, Luna, and Cadence that he was worthy enough to be part of the royal family again.

"Hey girls." Black Watch simply said while at his podium of might.

"Shut up Black Watch!" yelled Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy, but from Fluttershy it sounded more like a "can you please not speak...if that's okay with you."

Oh Fluttershy, that's okay with all of us.

"If I had a say in things I would be with Logical Fallacies, at least he was supposed to be stupid." added Rainbow Dash nonchalantly.

"Oh Black Watch." swooned Twilight with a bunch of hearts flying around her.

"NOW'S NOT THE TIME!" yelled Black Watch, the shipping would have to wait. "For I have something cool to show you girls or should I say something that is 20% cooler than you." remarked Black Watch with his totally "original" and "hilarious" wit.

"Shut up, that saying got old before it even began." replied Rainbow Dash angrily.

"Oh Black Watch I can't handle all this tension between us, make me yours!" yelled Twilight with a lot of lust in her voice as she sprang from the desk towards the podium (That looked like it was stolen from the UN) while trying to land on Black Watch to initiate proto-call 69, 34, and any other sexual number.

Black Watch jumped put of the way causing Twilight to smash into the podium. "Not until chapter 38598274 of The Necromancer oh ya I'm a necromancer for no reason. Also your Brother would geld me from where I stand. Chapter 3145345 is where I convince him to let us do the nasty." replied Black Watch in a smug voice. "Now where was I before I was interrupted."

"You were at the part where we didn't care about nor listen to anything you were saying you crazy nut." replied Rarity in an equally smug voice while she was using Spike as foot stool because that would be something that Spike would do.

"Oh ya I was going to show you some bullshit. Well here it is." replied Black Watch as he pulled out the 7th element.

"It just looks like a poorly constructed piece of wood that is held together with tooth picks and snot and the gem is just a very jagged rock painted neon." said Pinkie Pie, for some reason not going on and on about some crazy story that makes no sense. Instead she looked depressed with her mane straight and coat much dimmer than usual.

"Why do you look like Pinkamena, Pinkie?" asked Fluttershy.

"Because I have to see him." replied Pinkie Pie she pointed a hoof at Applejack.

"Why me?" said Applejack with a hurt expression.

"Whoops my mistake." replied Pinkie Pie as she pointed her other hoof at Black Watch.

"No mater for I am the 7th element now and I say that we go and find some random evil that probably doesn't exist and blah blah blah blah blah blah..." Black Watch went on for about 8 days about something that doesn't matter.

BUT SUDDENLY A PURPLE APE CRASHED THROUGH THE BUILDING AND FOR SOME REASON HE WAS WEILDING A KATANA AND A GUN EVENTHOUGH WEAPONS DON'T EXIST IN THIS WORLD!

"WHO DARES TO DISTUREB MY SLUMBER AND STEAL MY ELEMENT OF NO IMPORTANCE!" yelled the ape in a funny Italian voice that sounded like Mario's fake Italian accent.

Everypony and Spike in the room pointed at Black Watch who was still on his epic speech.

The ape suddenly grabbed Black Watch and teleported back to The Random Tree.

"Put it back." said the ape

"No." replied Black Watch.

"Fine if you want it that way then I shall kill you myself for I am the Ape of Doomy doom of doom, the protector of the 7th element." bragged the ape

"Gorduo, Geurdo (Don't know how to spell it) Giant fat thing attack!" yelled Black Watch in his awesome battle cry as he tried to summon that thing.

But instead he summoned Tiny the rock thing but for some reason it had the head of a shark and 20 thousand laser cannons on it's back and it shot and it explodenaded to whole jungle and killed everything in Equestria and the only things that lived was a fatally wounded Black Watch and The Ape of Doomy doom of doom.

"How did you survive my ultimate attack." coughed Black Watch.

"Oh you fool don't you know that everypony that stole the 7th element died a stupid death and killed everything due to the power of the god mode sue." replied the ape

"Then how did you live?" asked Black Watch with the very little strength he could muster before he died.

"Quite simple for I am not the Ape of Doomy doom of doom." said the ape

"WHAT!" yelled Black Watch forgetting for a moment that he was dying.

The ape stood still and Black Watch could see a zipper around the ape's neck unzip. Before he know it the head was off and all he could see was the head of...

Before I could finish Black Watch remembered that he was dying and died due to all the screaming.

The very instant that Black Watch blacked out (Oh haha) all he could hear was the whisper of a voice.

"You just lost the game."

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!

I was just standing there as this weird looking pony was freaking out and going on about how he was the 7th element. That is impossible because that position is reserved for me John Smith.

As I was thinking I was distracted by this weird thing that called itself Black Watch.

"Damn you Lemon Cannon and your giant hammer, Go Mooseline and your maple syrup sword and maple syrup gun." yelled the thing.

I just backed away slowly and left the thing to suffer by itself because I did not want to hear its life story.

With that done I left to go find mai waifu and I only had one thought on my mind.

The hell just happened?

Next time: The Fluttershy Chapter