The Hoofball Game

by PonyWrites

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Shining Armor, Big Macintosh, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3019

Spike, Shining and Mac watch football and talk about life.

By some fortune, Shining Armor was on leave and decided to return to Ponyville to talk to his Little Sister Best Friend Forever, Twilight Sparkle, just as the group went to fight the equalists spread friendship.

He is greeted instead by his dragon-bro, who informs him of his limited knowledge of the situation. A few mugs of cider and a poorly placed bet later, Big Mac shows up.

It is the author's expressed opinion that a good time was had by all.

This is the first story I've submitted anywhere, but don't be gentle. I actually want to know why it sucks (or if it doesn't). I wrote this just before the season premier, but then I realized I could change a tiny plot point, and it would be half-way canon.

rated T for mild colt-cuddling... and maybe a few swear words, I can't remember.
Oh, and poor taste in humor.

Published 2015-04-08 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-08 01:30:01 UTC

1 - Bro-ing Out

Who knocks on a castle door? Really. Well, it wasn't a sudden rebellion that wanted to overthrow Twilight. She wasn't even here. They certainly wouldn't knock. She was on some important delegation to a village in far off lands. Spike opened the portal, pleasantly surprised by the mop of blue hair gracing a white coat. “Hey bro,” Shining Armor said. The two were close when Twilight was still in Canterlot. Like the princess herself, they drifted apart. “What's up” Spike curled his claws into a fist, the unicorn bumped it with his hoof.

“I'm on leave. As much as I enjoy spending time with my wife, I wanted some variety. And it's been ages since Twiley and I have talked. I thought I'd pop in.”

“You're a little out of luck, She's on a delegation to some weird town this map showed her…” he trailed off.

“Huh, interesting. Guess she's needed, and she has to answer the call. I dunno, I don't really bother with politics. When will she be back?”

“Um...” Spike hit his chest and belched out a scroll. He unraveled and read aloud: “Tomorrow.”

“Mind if I stay the night?” Shining was visibly annoyed he wasn't invited in yet.

“Oh, bro, I've forgotten my manners. Come on in, have a seat anywhere but the thrones.” Spike moved from the door. “Of course you can stay the night. We're family. We have so many rooms we don't know what to do.” They made their way to what could be called a living room. A more private, yet open place, with a couch, a bookshelf of crystal, and an elegant crystal coffee table. Shining Armor plopped on the couch, legs spread wide, forelegs resting on the back. “Can I get you anything?” The dragon asked, used to serving ponies seeking audience with the princess.

“I'm a bit thirsty after my trip,” Shining suggested.

“Some tea perhaps.”

“Got anything stronger?”

“Oh, of course. Applejack has kept the castle well supplied with hard cider. I think that's another political thing that goes above my head.”
The unicorn chuckled. Spike dismissed himself to fetch a set of tankards and a suitable keg. He returned shortly. They always kept one in the kitchen, a short distance away. He hefted the keg onto the table. “Feel free to start, but just remember I'll probably only get a little buzz only if I drank that whole thing. I'm gonna grab some snacks for us.” The dragon came back to find Shining already nursing half a tankard. He sat down the bowl of onyx (expensive. Royalty has it's perks.) for himself, chips and queso for his bro.

“When was the last time we sat down like this?” Shining asked as the dragon filled his tankard with cider. Spike sat down roughly, cider making a small splash.

“Too long. I've missed you, honestly. All the mares around, nopony to do guy things with, you know. Peewee's technically a guy, and Owlowicious, but they're birds… Big Mac is gonna come over later and watch Hoofball.”

“Oh awesome, yeah, I bet the Phoenixes are gonna beat the Griffins. You know, considering the streak so far.”

“Yeah, but the Phoenixes have a new quarterback.”

“That's just it, he's new. He isn't going to know what to do on the field.”

“Bro I followed him in college. He's a natural.”

“Wanna bet?”

“One onyx chip.”

“Ooooh, high roller over here now that you've got a castle. You're on.”
A majestic red phoenix swooped in and landed on Spike's bowl of gems.“Peewee?” Shining asked, eyebrow raised. He had grown up quite a lot from hatchling ,but still lacked the regal majesty of a fully grown phoenix. It would be a few hundred years before that happened.

“That's Peewee. Twilight didn't tell you about the whole Dragon Quest thing?”

“No, I hardly even get letters.”

“Huh, wow. Well, I went and had an identity crisis, joined the dragon migration and realized that I can't be a dragon. Anyway, the dragons I was hanging out with were going to smash his egg, but I rescued him. I guess you could call him a pet. Friend, pal, fiery amigo.” The bird proudly displayed a wing, Spike bumped it with his fist.

“I've missed so much! I can't believe Twiley didn't tell me anything.”

“I guess she's just been busy bro. Seems odd she wouldn't write to you. Now a'days I mostly send the letters, and she writes them herself. I guess it's more private now she's a princess an' all, but I just don't know what to do.” Spike sighed and emptied his mug. “I used to be her assistant… Now I'm not sure what I am.”

“I don't have the answer, but it seems we're both drifting away from her. She still loves you, I know. She actually gushes about you when we do talk.” It was the unicorn's turn to sigh and take a drink. “Everything is… different now. I can't help but feel proud. But at the same time, I'll miss my little sister, and my dragon-bro, and the way things used to be.”

“Thing's change, and I guess we have to change with them,” Spike munched on some onyx chips.

“Take it from me,” Shining grinned, but the expression quickly deflated, “adding a princess to your life is sort of like… well, it's tougher than I realized. I love Cadence, of course, but she has an empire to run. We hardly spend time together either. Of course, when she met, she was just a princess of love, her only duties were to… be a marriage counselor. We had more time together.” Shining took a long pause, then a drink. “I'm not sure how much of this I should say, so Pinkie Promise to never tell anyone.” Spike went through the motions “I promise.” Shining Armor was still hesitant to continue, “I can't help but feel we need one.”

“One what?” Spike had already lost track of the conversation.

“Marriage counselor.”

“I...I remember Twilight said something similar to this… Um. It was about Applejack and Rainbow Dash in another lover's quarrel. 'You're both passionate ponies, with your own goals and desires. They're quite different, but you two are united by the same drive.'”

“But what if our drives lead us in separate directions?”

“Tartarus if I know, I've only ever been in love. Never had a relationship. I guess… Hold on, some poetry Twi had me read is coming back...” Spike downed another clawful of onyx and washed it down with cider, as though it would help him recall. “Sometimes the bonds we form break instantly, but while they last they… But always savor the moment.”

“Did I ever tell you how proud I am of my little sister best,” Shining interrupted himself with a powerful belch, “friend forever?”

“You did. We're all very proud, honestly. It's a monumental achievement…” Spike gazed into his mug as though it contained the answers of the universe. “You ever feel like you're just stuck on the sidelines, watching, never really… participating?”

“You don't know the half of it.” Shining paused, trying to regain the thread of conversation. “I joined the guard to protect the princesses. From the looks of it, my sister has had it covered all along. I'm a glorified ceremonial headdress.” The gaurdspony sighed into his mug.

“I'm just the comic relief. Just like in my comics...” The dragon repeated the motion his older brother made. “It seems like some outer force is making it so any time the others try to do something half way important, I'm the one to get laughed at. The bumbling sidekick. I have thought's and feelings too! I just… I just...” Spike sobbed, “want to be important.” The dragon covered his eyes, and felt his brother's hoof wrap around his back.

“I'll tell you what I told Twilight all those years ago. Many ponies only have a brief moment in the sun. Here you are, her personal student. But… never mind that last sentence. One day, you'll shine brighter than any other star. Brighter than me, Brighter than Star Swirl. That was always her idol you know.” He took a long reflective pause, “how right I was...”

“I'm honestly starting to believe I'm cursed. Like when I'm not with them, I have an actual personality. But get a couple of the group together and I'm reduced to… tripping in buckets and laughter.”

“Spike, do you know about the Sparkle lineage?”

“Not much. Canterlot Records only go back so far. I remember there were some great magicians like Nova the Stupendous, Solstice the Enchantress.”

“The Crystal Empire has older records. I've been able to trace us back to Star Swirl. And yes, greatness is in our blood. We're descended from the most powerful unicorns in history. And my specialty is wards and curse breakers. Yes, I know...” The unicorn took a long slug of cider, to drown the sorrow, “irony. Just as soon as I can count how many hooves I have, I'll see about this 'curse' of yours.”

There was a long pause, both dragon and pony trying to figure out what to say. They were interrupted by Big Macintosh. “Y'all venting?” He said.

“Yeah, feel free to join. I bet you have plenty of complaints too.” Spike said as he got up, “Get comfy, I'll get you a mug.” The dragon returned to the kitchen and only stumbled twice. This was good cider.

“So what's up with you, Mac?” Shining Armour asked as Spike sat down again.

“Filly trouble.”

“Aww, you and Cheerilee seemed so happy.” Spike said.

“We are. We just had a fight. I'm not a very confrontational pony. I could sense there was a gathering of males sharing their feelings.”

“What was the fight?”

“I'm not quite sure, but I think it was something about socks. I couldn't hardly understand what she was sayin'”

“I bet she looks good in socks,” Shining Armor speculated, earning him a glare from the earth pony. “What? Can't a stallion complement another's filly?”

“Actually it was about me wearing socks.”

“I bet you look good in socks...” Shining took a long guzzle from his mug, only increasing the awkwardness. “What? I'm bisexual. Mostly mares though. And especially when drunk.” A great hiccup issued from his throat. “And… the muscles are kind of distracting.”

“I'll take that as a compliment. I just like socks.” Big Mac swatted away a wondering hoof. “You know it's always been difficult after my folks died. She's… helped me find my voice. I don't know what I'd do with out her.”

“This is mostly the cider talking, but if it doesn't work out—I mean come on, you're fighting over a stallion's right to wear socks—there will be others. It may hurt like tartarus, but you've got to move on. There's plenty of mares in the… area.”

“Alright,” Spike said, “I'm cutting you off, you're messing up metaphors.”

“No, I'm fine.” Shining insisted.

“Ahh who cares. We males should be able to get slammed in the privacy of a public castle.” Spike emptied another mug.

“My wife lets me wear socks, she's a princess. I don't see what the big deal is.”

“You'd probably look cute in socks.” It was next to impossible to detect the blush Mac was wearing. “I'm a little bi too. You've got a very nice shape...”

“Now, now, you two, no sodomy.” The two stallions gave each other a knowing look.

“I haven't even told that to anypony. But seeing your… figure, and the stronger than I remember alcohol…”

“I know right, I'm already seeing double.” Spike took a moment to get his eyes back under control.

“Have you been with any colts?”

“A few. Always in secret. Cheerilee doesn't even know.”

“Judging from her sock reaction...”

“Are we doomed?”

“Well, it depends if you want to give up colts for your filly. Cadence was completely fine with an open relationship, so long as it's not another mare.”

“I'm ill suited to make such a decision in this state.”

“Very wise. Think about it later is all.”

“Alright you two faggots, let's watch some hoofball.” Spike stuck out his forked tounge, in hopes of letting everyone else know it was a joke. He actually had the honor of being the first one Shining came out too. The dragon pressed a button on the remote. The alcohol got to him. “Mac, that was rude. I was joking, just so you know.” The large pony shrugged.

“No offense taken.”

“So, Spike,” Shining Armor belched, and the crystals harmonized with it, creating a beautiful melody that will probably be lost for all time. “How's it with you and that white chick?”

“It's like… she doesn't even know I'm there half the time, but when she does, she treats me like a… personal assistant. That happens to be a puppy.”

Somewhere, in an alternate dimension, the revelation literally hit the dragon like a planet crushing a grape. In this dimension, however, that only happened figuratively.

“Oh My God.” Not even a thousand yard stare sufficed for the dragon's new hollow feeling. neither two thousand, nor three. Spike wore a stare that could see entire galaxies.

Somewhere in the castle, an orchestra played, and the crystals resonated in harmony, turning the massive structure into a jukebox. It was a sorrowful tune. The last movement, however was one of triumph.

“I KNOW NOW WHAT I MUST DO,” Spike belted in a deep rich tenor, the words swelling from an unknown force within him. “I HAVE TO FIND MYSELF, I HAVE TO FIND MY VOOOOOOOOICE.”

“Shhhhh” Big Mac glared, “the game is on. Oh, and join the club.”

Spike belched and lost himself in cider and hoofball.

In truth, the onyx chip Spike lost was inconsequential, considering he ate an entire bowl. Shining didn't need it either as the husband of an Empress. It was more the principle of losing what would be a formidable sum to a common pony, that worked for a living. The unicorn decided to pass it on to his newly formed friend, Big Macintosh.

That was all Spike could remember as he stared blankly at the scene before him. Chips were scattered about everywhere, and a pool of cider had formed from the broken keg, smashed against a wall. Shining was wearing pink and white striped socks, spooning Big Mac, who wore a blue set, with a white star pattern. The duo quietly snored. Spike turned his head, the motion sending fire to his brain. For a dragon that wouldn't be an issue, but the act of trying to think if a better metaphor brought the same sensation. The crystal table was torn in two. The clock was blinking twelve. Apparently they broke that too.

“What the flipping hippogriff?” Spike turned around slowly, and met Twilight's icy glare.

“I wish I knew.” Spike rubbed his head.

“That's how you know you've had a good time.” Rainbow grinned. Her words caused the dragon to wince in pain. “Oh, sorry.” Just then a butler from the crystal empire entered, levitating a tray of coffee.

“I saw the sirs passed out yesterday as I made my rounds. I've taken the liberty of whipping up coffee and breakfast.” He didn't even seem to notice the mess around him.

“Who are you?” Spike asked.

“In the crystal tongue, we are called,” The butler pronounced a series of syllables as though they actually existed, “sir.”

“Whatever we're paying him it needs to be more,” Spike grabbed a cup of coffee and a biscuit.

“Discord, while I appreciate your services here, stop playing dress-up.” Twilight demanded.

The butler transformed instantly. “Oh, what gave me away?”

“Tornado cutie-mark and you gave one of your thousand names.”

“What I really want to know is why I wasn't invited to this little shin-dig? We are friends aren't we?”

“Well you did disappear for a few weeks.” Spike deadpanned.

“What the hay is Big Mac doin' with your brother, Twi?” Applejack finally asked, having caught up to the rest of the group.

“I believe they're cuddling.” Twilight said with palpable snark.

“I can see that, but why?”

“Well, Shining is in an open relationship and bisexual. I'm not sure about Mac.” Twilight explained.

“Mac was in the closet until about two minutes ago,” Spike added, “He's bisexual and had a fight with Cheerilee about his right to wear socks.”

“Well sheesh, he could have told me! Then I could try to set him up with mares and stallions!” The comment caused Spike to roll his eyes.

“Oh, by the way, I'm having another identity crisis, so I'll be back in like a year, ok?”

Twilight shrugged. “Alright.”

“And don't follow me this time.”

“I won't.”

“Pinkie Promise.”

The pink mare chose this time to join the princess, caring a platter of muffins. “FOREVER.” She said before diving—literally—into the confections.

Twilight did the motions, “I promise none of us will follow you.”

Spike unceremoniously waved goodbye. He didn't bother with his small horde of gems, precious pictures of fond memories, and comic books. If they were part of his identity, he'd have to find out all over again. If he needed food he could just smell the gems in the earth. Honestly it wouldn't take a whole lot of effort. A small bucketful of dirt usually had about twelve gems-- enough for a meal and then some.

He found Rarity on the way out, and flagged her down. “Me and you,” he said, motioning his fingers between them, “we're through.” He kept walking. Out of nowhere he stepped into a bucket of water, left behind by one of the cleaning crews. The purple drake shouted something very uncivilized in old draconian. His fire burned with rage, reducing the bucket to molten metal.

He slammed the massive door to the palace behind him. Canterlot was home to many skilled unicorns. Perhaps he could see about his “curse” there. Shining offered, but well, a dragon's gotta do what a dragon's gotta do. The sunrise beckoned him to his journey.