The Search for Scootalooby defender2222ChaptersThunderlaneDiamond Tiara and Silver SpoonFeatherweightThunderlane"Have you noticed how quiet things have been over the last few months?" Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Alicorn of Friendship, the Dusk, and Crazy Experiments, Defeater of Discord, Defender of Ponyville, Bearer of the 6th Element of Harmony, Former Student of Princess Celestia, Savoir of Princess Luna, Sister-in-Law of Princess Cadence, and the only mare never to get 'Jiggy With It', looked up from the newspaper she was reading (there was an interesting article about a comic book convention going on in Detrot that weekend and Twilight wanted to know if the writers of Superstallion would be there). Her friend/adopted son/#1 Assistant/joint voice of reason, William T. Dragon (Spike to his friends), was lazily playing with a chocolate chip that had fallen off his muffin. The other hand was resting on his chin, propping his head up as he let out a weary sigh, looking around the rather quiet Sugar Cube Corner Bakery. There were a few ponies around getting a quick midmorning snack but otherwise it was a rather peaceful day for the bakery that employed Pinkie Pie (especially since Fakeo Lunamoon had finally worked off his tab). "It hasn't been that quiet," Twilight said, returning to the article she had been reading. "There was the Winter Wrap Up a few weeks ago." "And nothing strange happened thanks to you having everything so organized. We were done 12 hours early!" "...okay, that's true. But what about when Rarity got that magic cloth that could defy gravity and lifted ponies up into the sky? That was crazy!" Spike shook his head. "For five minutes, then we all realized we had pegasi around and they were able to help the floating ponies. The worst of it was when Fluttershy forgot she could fly herself." Twilight's lips pursed together. That little situation had settled down rather quickly. She hadn’t even bothered to record it in her friendship diary. "Ok, that's true... ah, remember the Queen of Fear?" "You mean that little breezie that thought she could scare ponies by whispering really quietly?" Spike asked dryly. "Slendermare is scarier than that and we learned she's just Zecora's college roommate who came for a visit." "Okay, sure." Twiligh blinked. "Huh, it has been rather quiet." "Yeah," Spike complained. "We use to have wild adventures and crazy misunderstandings but now none of that happens! Discord is a nonissue after that whole thing with Tirek, Lord Tydal and the capricorns haven't acted up in ages... heck, Queen Chrysalis got a pardon and is now building an amusement park near Ponywood!" The little drake let out a sigh. "Things have just gotten so dull." "You'd rather they be crazy again?" Twilight asked with a slight smirk. Spike quickly waved his taloned hands. "No no no... I had my fill when we had the Crisis of Infinite Yous!” “I still don’t like that name. It makes it sound like having a lot of mes is a bad thing.” “Said the mare that murdered all the Pinkie clones.” “I didn’t murder them!” Twilight complained. “That was eliminating unnatural magical constructs.” “Sure, sure, keep telling yourself that.” Spike went back to rolling the chocolate chip about. “I just want things to be a bit more lively, not utter madness." He gave a small shrug. "You know, like when you were searching for Scootaloo's secret origins." Every table in Sugar Cube Corner shuddered. “Nothing about that week was ‘a bit lively’,” Twilight grumbled, her horn glowing as she raised her tea cup to her lips and took a quick sip. “Have you forgotten how insane things got?” “Not really… we still have that dalek you adopted living in the basement.” “Be nice to Rollypolly. Everypony from my friends to neighbors to the rulers of this country decided to troll me about Scootaloo and her origins… and it turned out she was the daughter of two recluses who like building tables. So I take back what I said… it wasn’t just insane, it was pointless.” “I wouldn’t say that,” Spike said. “I mean, we figured out Miss Cheerilee was insane and were able to get her the medical help she needed.” ~Meanwhile, at Dr. Head Shrinker’s Office~ “Miss Cheerilee, please stop rubbing magnets against me.” The schoolmare merely eyed the balding stallion, placing a magnet against his slightly pudgy cheek. “Ha! You will not convert me, robot! Fry!” “No one here’s a robot,” Dr. Shrinker said with a long suffering sigh. “I am not a robot, your students aren't robots, the Princesses aren’t robots. This is all a part of your delusions. There are no robots here, pretending to be ponies, seeking to destroy us all.” “But…” “No buts,” Shrinker said. “Now, why don’t you lie down while I have my receptionist get you some soothing herbal tea. Would you like that?” Miss CHeerilee slowly made her way back to the psychiatrist’s couch. “Yes… I’m sorry doctor. A cup of tea would be lovely.” Dr. Shrinker touched a comm. on his table. “Miss Papercut, could you please come here.” “BEEP.YES.DOCTOR.” The silver mare with glowing read eyes walked in on her stiff legs. “BEEP.” “AAAAAAAAA!!!” Miss Cheerilee screamed, leaping onto Dr. Shrinker, clinging to his head. Dr. Shrinker let out a sigh. “Miss Papercut, we talked about this; stop scaring my patients!” “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist! Oh, is that stallion who is afraid of bananas coming today? I went to the grocery store…” ~MC~MC~MC~ Twilight frowned. “While that is well and good, I’d have been perfectly happy not knowing the mare teaching fillies and colts was nuts. Of course, considering how crazy every other pony in this country is, I imagine the current sub is any better.” “They aren’t that crazy-“ Spike said, only for the rest of his words to die on his tongue as Derpy and the Doctor ran by, holding a cabage that was wearing a beanie hat, Dinky only a few steps behind them, a fez on her head and a sonic screwdriver clutched in her mouth. “-ok, they are crazy, but we kinda already knew that. You’ve been saying they were crazy since we first came here.” “Yes, but for once I was happy to not have exact measurements.” Twilight folded her paper, deciding to get back to the article about the Griffland House of Lords being scolded by Dowager Countess Gertrude Snowheart and then sent to bed without their blood pudding. “I’m just glad we are done with talking about Scootaloo.” “Scootaloo?” a deep voice said. Twilight and Spike suddenly felt a cold breeze hit them and somewhere off in the distance a moody saxophone began to play. The smell of stale smoke drifted around them and it looked to the two as if Discord had decided to once more drain all the color in the world, leaving Sugar Cube in monochrome. “I’ve already heard that name once today and now I hear it once more in the most unlikely of places.” A black stallion wearing a gray fedora and battered trenchcoat walked over to them, tipping his hat to both of them. “Names Thunderlane, Private Eye. I’d come to get a cup of coffee and bend an ear but now it looks like I’ll be getting a sideorder of information to go along with my Cup of Joe.” “…we already know the origin of Scootaloo!” Twilight said quickly, hoping to hold off any attempts by the Pegasus to tell them his crazy theory about the orange filly. “Then I suppose you’ll be able to clue me in, dollface,” Thunderlane said, taking a seat next to Spike. He motioned towards Mrs. Cake and said, “Coffee. Make it as black as the underbelly of this crime-ridden hamlet.” “…you want it to be overflowing with milk and cream to the point that there’s no coffee in it?” Mrs. Cake said in confusion. “Make it beautifully tragic,” Twilight said, hoping to get rid of the baker; it was bad enough to be dealing with somepony that wanted to tell her about Scootaloo’s origin, but Mrs. Cake and her rumor-spreading were in a league of their own. Twilight’s scheme worked and Mrs. Cake scurried off, leaving her to deal with only one potential pain in her flank. “As I was saying, we know Scootaloo’s origins and if you’d like to know-“ Thunderlane reached into is trenchcoat’s pocket and pulled out a thick piece of wildgrass, placing it between his lips. He reached over and gave Spike’s tail a tug, causing the startled baby dragon to let out a small flare of fire that the detective used to light the tip of his wildgrass. “Uh, I really don’t think you can smoke in here,” Twilight said. “Or use me as a lighter!” Spike complained. “I’m not concerned with the kid’s past,” Thunderlane said, smoke leaking from the corners of his mouth. “I’m trying to ensure she has a future.” “What are you talking about?” Twilight said. “Seriously, does no one else care that I’m not a lighter?” Mr. Cake walked over, holding out a pot of coffee, and yanked on Spike’s tail, aiming the stream of fire on the pot. “Thank you. Our warmer is acting up.” “STOP THAT!” Spike screamed as Mr. Cake happily walked away. He cradled his tail and looked over at Twilight. “I’ve been violated.” “I’m talking about a story as old as time itself. It starts with some poor slob just looking to discover a few of life’s hidden mysterious, a little filly lost and scared, and most importantly of all… a dame.” ~MC~MC~MC~ The rain was striking my window like Hot Trot going into one of his tap routines. It offered only a little bit of relief from the heat that seemed to forever cling to this town like a short skirt on an aging street walker. Still, it was doing better than the rattling fan that hung in the corner of my office. My chair squeaked as I looked over some old cold case files, the dead faces of those poor mares and stallions looking up at me, silently pleading with me to bring the vengeance that had long been denied to them. I leaned back, staring at the water-stained tiles, wondering if it was fair to compare them to the stained soul of this dirty town. Probably not, as this place was more layered than any tile. Business had been slow, though I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that meant that things were peaceful in this hellhole of a city. That was the first mistake a pony made, believing that this town could ever be peaceful. More often than not it was also their last. The quiet meant that the criminals were being smart, performing their knife work without drawing any attention. I got how some could see this run down, dirty, corrupt to the core town as something shining and bright but I’d long had my eyes opened and no amount of spit shine and polish would make me believe it anything but a festering wound on the face of Equestria. “Wait, are you talking about Ponyville?” “Ponyville, the city that never sleeps or met a law it didn’t want to break.” “…we are talking about the same Ponyville, right? We were voted ‘Most Likely to Hug a Stranger’ four years running by Ponytimes Weekly!” “Ponytimes Weekly, a rag that feeds on the pain and suffering of the masses, following the commands of their bloated-“ “Ok, nevermind, back to your purple prose.” I was all alone in my office, with only the ghosts of past failures to keep me company. I was about ready to call it a night and find a bottle of bourbon to chase me into Morphius’ embrace when she walked in. I knew the moment I saw her she was going to be trouble but the question was what kind. Was she going to be the kind of trouble that drove poets to madness and singers to longing despair… or the kind that began with honeyed words and ended with a bullet in your head? Of course, in my line of work, it’s possible for a mare to be both. She was a leggy lady that knew she looked good and wanted the entire world to think the same. Every step was a testament to her strength and I could practically see the hearts of all the stallions she was crushing with every trot of her hoof. She wore a stylish fog-gray coat that hung off her frame like a lover desperate for her not to leave, hinting at the cobalt body that was hidden just underneath. I leaned back, taking her in, silently warning myself to be careful of this one. She knew how to tease and hint and if I wasn’t careful I’d find my soul joining all the others that had fallen for her. Her hair was hidden under her tilted hat and a translucent veil hung over her face. She had smokey eyes that could trap a man in their depths and a small little mouth that could make your heart flutter or shatter depending on how she used it. Oh yes… that mouth might be her most dangerous weapon. As she took her seat I could tell she knew what she did to stallions and didn’t care one lick. Yeah, this one was trouble all right. “What can I do for you, ma’am?” I asked, a piece of wildgrass dangling from my lips. “I need your help,” she said, her voice a breathy whisper. The words seemed to dance right off her tongue. “Everypony that walks through that door needs my help, sweetheart,” I said, reaching into my desk drawer and pulling out a bottle and two glasses. I poured us each a splash and she accepted it, taking a moment to swirl her’s before downing the contents in one shot. I watched her throat work and- “Okay, I’m going to stop you right there.” ~MC~MC~MC~ Thunderlane blinked in confusion. “What is it, little drake?” Spike rolled his hand dismissively. “I really want to hear your story-“ “I don’t,” Twilight grumbled. “-but I could do without the rambling commentary where you compare one thing to another thing.” The Private Eye frowned. “But that’s how I add color to this lifeless world.” “This world doesn’t need any more color. Have you seen half the ponies in this town? It looks like there was an explosion at a paint factory!” Twilight shook her head. “Spike, I think Thunderlane means ‘color’ as in ‘give more depth to the story’.” “That’s true, your highness. Of course, I wouldn’t call this black and white little world of ours that colorful.” Spike and Twilight just stared at Thunderlane, who accepted his Tragically Beautiful coffee from Mrs. Cake (she’d gotten the order wrong and prayed her didn’t noticed). “There are only three colors: black, white, and gray. Our mortality is like cream in a cup of coffee; no matter how much you pour in, you can’t ever get the coffee to be pure white… instead it corrupts and darken the cream, like crime does to any soul that-“ “Yada yada yada,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “Alright, continue if you must.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “What brings a dame like you to a place like this?” I asked her, pouring her another splash before taking a sip of my own. It burned my throat and warmed my belly, reminding me that I was alive. It’s easy to forget your breathing when you live in a town like this.” “The worst criminal we have in Ponyville is the Undergarment Snatcher and he only breaks into Rarity’s House! Spike, why are you fidgeting?” “Uh… no reason.” “A filly’s gone missing and I need your help finding her,” the dame said, looking at me from lidded eyes. “She important to me and I’m afraid something foul has happened to her.” “Maybe she just ran away. Fillies do that. They get stars in their eyes and think they can find success and fame on their own. Course, what they normally end up locating is crime, pain and death.” I gave her a steady stare. “I’m sorry, dollface, but I’m telling it like it is.” “She didn’t run off,” the smokey dame complained, a bit of fire flashing in those cunning eyes of hers. More than one stallion had been burned trying to tame that fire, I was sure of it. “I know Scootaloo and she wouldn’t have left without telling me.” “Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think.” “I didn’t come here to be mocked, gumshoe,” she complained, standing up to leave. “If you won’t help-“ “I didn’t say I wouldn’t help. Cool your gams and sit back down.” I picked up my drink and walked over to the window, staring out at the trash-strewned street below. This job had made me jaded, forcing me to look at the worst of the world and see it in every alleyway and dumpster. I shouldn’t have felt anything about this case and told the femme fatale to take her sob stories to someone else… but I couldn’t. I don’t know what it was about this crazy dame that made me want to hope again but damn me, I did. I wanted to help her find this Scootaloo, to save that poor little filly from whatever swirling mess she’d gotten into. I knew it was foolish but at that moment I thought that if I could just save her perhaps I could save a bit of my own soul. I wanted to steal it back from this city that had taken so much. “Now, why don’t you tell me your name, dollface.” “Dash,” the sultry mare said. “Rainbow Dash. You know how to say that, right? It starts by rolling your tongue-“ “Are you drunk?” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Only a touch, why do you ask?” Thunderlane said, taking a sip of coffee. Twilight just stared at Thunderlane, wondering if she could get away with punting him to the moon (‘I could tell Princess Celestia that he was trying to bring eternal monologuing to the world…’). “You described Rainbow Dash as ‘sultry’ and as a ‘dame’. I can’t think of any two words that would be worst to describe her!” “Humble and slow?” Spike offered. “Okay, those two work but you get my point.” Twilight pushed away from her table, her horn glowing as she snatched some bits from her saddlebag and placed them on the table (Pumpkin and Pound Cake, who were waiting in the rafters to drop a bread cage on any dine-and-dashers, whimpered that they wouldn’t get to trap her). “Listen, this has been fun-“ “No it hasn’t,” Spike said. “No it hasn’t and I need to be going now.” Twilight was two steps away from the table when her friends burst in. “Ha! Oh, this is perfect! Rainbow Dash, this crazy detective-“ “Thunderlane!” Rainbow Dash cried out, hurrying over to the black Pegasus stallion. “Have you heard anything about Scootaloo?” “…what?” Twilight said. Fluttershy shivered. “It’s just horrible, Twilight. Scootaloo has gone missing.” “…no she hasn’t,” Twilight said weakly. Applejack nodded. “No one can find the little one, sugarcube. Dash over there hired that gumshoe in hopes he could help find her.” “…please no.” “Hey!” Pinkie shouted, popping out from a trash can. “You know who we should have asked? Twilight! She knows a ton about Scootaloo.” “Wait, what?.” “You’re right, Pinkie!” Rarity said before turning towards Twilight. “My dear, you must take the lead on this.” “What’s happening?!?” Spike whimpered, clinging to Twilight’s leg as he saw everyone in the bakery slowly turn and stare at them. “Twilight, I’m scared!” “Please Twilight!” Rainbow exclaimed, hurrying over to her friend. “You have to find the kid!” “Find Scootaloo!” someone chanted, the call being picked up by the rest of the bakery. Twilight and Spike began to back away, quickly finding themselves surrounded. “Find Scootaloo!” “Find Scootaloo!” “Find Scootaloo!” “Brains! Wait, I mean, Find Scootaloo!” “Find Scootaloo!” Thunderlane watched this all and sighed. “I’d been unable to find anything to break open the case so I stopped off at a local dive to get some coffee. But answers were waiting for me in the form of the ‘Princess of Ponyville’ and her hired muscle. She was a mare that had quickly risen to power and now had the entire town wrapped around her hoof, clueless to her ways and secrets. He was a muscular brute with a temper to match, willing to burn you first and ask questions later. If anyone knew where the poor girl had gone it would be them.” “Mommy, what’s wrong with that stallion?” a little colt asked. The mother pushed her child towards the door. “I don’t know but I wouldn’t go near him.” Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon“What did the Princess say?” Spike asked moments after Twilight had teleported into the Castle of Friendship (they were still working on the name; Pinkie had suggested “Princess Twilight’s Big Honkin’ Castle”… the purple mare was 50/50 on that). She hadn’t been able to use the door because Spike had barricaded it, along with the windows, escape hatches, and murder holes (why a magical crystal castle built via the power of rainbow energy and the Tree of Harmony had murder holes was a question best left to the ages). Luckily they’d had plenty of wood around to board up any entrance points (something had to happen to all the tables Twilight smashed) so Spike wasn’t lacking in supplies. He dropped his hammer and hurried over to her, practically clinging to her as he asked, “Is she going to save us? Let us bum around her castle? Send in a squad of big burly stallions to protect us?” Twilight sighed, putting her crown on the hat rack (she still didn’t get why Rarity thought that was being disrespectful; a hat rack worked perfectly for holding her crowns and hats with fuzzy earflaps). “Not exactly.” “What do you mean, not exactly?” Spike exclaimed in utter terror, eyes wide with panic. Outside he could hear the faint murmurs of ‘Find Scootaloo’ (or possibly ‘Bind Tootaroo’, he couldn’t be sure). “Is she coming here with an army to save us? Did she already find Scootaloo? Are the End of Days upon us and the Four Ponies of the Apocolapse riding forth in the sky? Please tell me something other than ‘Celestia isn’t helping us, we’re on our own’!” “I’m sorry, Spike.” Twilight said wearily. “Celestia said she wouldn’t help us.” “I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT!” He tugged on his tail. “For once I wish the situation wasn’t about ‘zombies’.” “Calm your scales, Spike. We’re on our own.” “But why?” “I don’t know,” Twilight said, going over to her favorite couch (she’d bought it once she realized that a blue stone throne was horribly uncomfortable) and laid down on it (she also made a mental note to thank Rarity for suggesting that type of sofa… well, once Rarity was done chanting ‘Find Scootaloo’). “Maybe you did it wrong!” Spike said frantically. “Yeah… maybe you screwed up so only you are screwed and Princess Celestia still loves me and-“ “I did not do something wrong!” Twilight complained. “I went to her Court and filed a formal request…” ~30 Minutes Earlier…~ “And… and you’re sure we are safe here?” the white-tail deer ambassador asked, looking around the throne room as if he expected an assassin to suddenly pop out and strike him. “I think I saw something move in that empty corner where there isn’t anything…” Princess Celestia forced herself to keep a calm smile on her face (it was the same smile she wore whenever one of her subjects did something really stupid and she was trying hard not to scream). In the same tones she’d used when Cadence was a baby she said, “I assure you, Ambassador Fleethoof, everything is perfectly safe. I have all my guards stationed around the castle… which I have also emptied so we are the only two inside. I’ve removed all the tapestries and rugs so no one can hide under them and made sure that every non-needed door is sealed and shut, so that the only ways in or out are through routes I have selected. The moment we are done I will personally ride with you in a sky chariot back to your embassy. Every precaution has been taken.” The ambassador looked around one last time before allowing himself to calm down a touch. Celestia let out a sigh of relief; she’d been working for 3 months to get this meeting set up. The ambassador of Deermark was well known for being skittish and scared; he always was seeing threats where there were none. Normally she would have just let the poor buck be… but Equestria was in need of a renewed trade compact with Deermark and the only way that would happen, thanks to the foreign country’s rather twisted and confusing constitution, was to work with the nervous ambassador (of course, considering her own country’s laws stated that if a pony suddenly gained both wings and a horn they were automatically royalty, she didn’t have a leg to stand on). “Now then, let us-“ “DANGER, DANGER!” Twilight screamed, bursting into the throneroom, eyes wide with panic. “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” “URK!” THUD! “What was that?” Twilight asked, looking up at her mentor. Celestia grit her teeth. “That was the sound of the ambassador of Deermark having a panic-induced heart attack.” Fleethoof’s leg twitched as his tongue lulled out of his mouth. “…oh, that doesn’t sound good.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Once we got the doctors in there and they managed to get the ambassador’s heart working again Princess Celestia told me that I needed to handle this on our own. I didn’t press the issue… I think she’s having some issues with her jaw because she kept it really clenched.” “…did she directly mention me or just say your name?” “Don’t even think of trying to bail on me, Spike, or I’ll mention that to everyone that Scootaloo might be hiding in your secret gemstone collection.” Spike’s eyes went to pinpricks at that. “Now that’s just not fair!” “Princesses don’t have to be fair. It says so right in this manual!” Spike stared at the book Twilight had held up. “’I am an Alicorn Princess (and so can You!)’…. By Iron Will?” “He’s actually a really good writer,” Twilight said, tucking the book back on the shelf. “Now then, we need to get started tracking down Scootaloo. I suggest we start at her house-“ And that’s when the door was bucked right off its hinges. “They’ve broken through our defenses!” Spike screamed, grabbing a plunger. “To arms, to arms!” “Madam, are you sure you wish to enter?” a large stallion in a suit asked. He was going bald and he was a bit too flabby, but one could tell that in his youth he had been a powerful stallion and still held a bit of that ancient strength. “They are awfully loud.” “They are, Carington, but we must. The rabble of this town are up in arms over that blank flank disappearing and it is up to us to set it right.” A small light pink filly entered the room, a gray filly with glasses only a few steps behind. “Princess Twilight Sparkle… and pet… I am Diamond Tiara. This is my associate Silver Spoon. We are here to ask you to end this foolishness concerning Scootaloo.” “…I think I’d rather go back to the zombie mob,” Spike said. “Princess Twilight, if you’d be so kind to summon your servants so we can have tea-“ “I don’t have servants,” Twilight said, raising a single eyebrow. “I’ve never felt the need.” It was clear that Diamond Tiara wanted to comment on that but knew better than to say one of her usual snotty little insults. While her daddy’s money allowed her to get away with that when it came to most ponies in the town, one did not stay rich if they insulting immortal alicorn royalty. “That’s ok, we’ll have our own servants take care of everything,” Silver Spoon said with a smile. “Carington?” “Of course, Lady Spoon.” The butler let out a whistle and an entire team of hoofmen rushed in, carrying a fine oak table, linens, polished cutlery, a porcelain tea set, and serving trays covered with decadent cakes and pastries. Twilight let out a squawk of protest as one of the hoofmen grabbed her and plopped her down on a cushioned chair, pushing it towards the table. The other hoofmen did the same for Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, though Spike (who kept muttering about racists) had to clamor up onto a chair by himself. Tea was poured and Diamond Tiara accepted a few tea cakes one of the servants offered her, flashing an ‘I’m better than you and my daddy pays your checks so keep up the good work and I’ll keep you around’ smile. “Aren’t they just wonderful? Daddy got this one potty trained just last week.” Diamond Tiara grinned at a hoofman who waited until her back was turned before rolling his eyes. “Now then, it has come to my attention that rather than do your princessly duties-“ “She normally does her doodies in the morning after breakfast,” Spike said with a smirk. “-you are focusing on that little blank flank Scootaloo.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “That ‘blank flank’ is a friend of mine. We are close.” “Yeah!” Spike said. “Scootaloo totally caused alternate dimensional Twilights to suddenly appear. They nearly destroyed Equestria!” Twilight stared at her Assistant before turning to Carington. “How much do one of you gentlecolts cost, on a weekly basis?” “Hey!” Twilight chuckled before turning her attention back to the little rich fillies. “So, you must have a reason for me to not go looking for Scootaloo.” Diamond opened her mouth but Twilight cut her off. “And not ‘because she’s a blank flank’.” Silver and Diamond shared a look before putting their heads together, whispering. “Spike?” Twilight said softly. “When you get older you will meet someone like Diamond Tiara. And while she may look really attractive and the money thing will be a turn-on, remember how Miss Tiara is acting. It is called ‘high maintenance’ and no pony or dragon is worth the pain a high maintenance fillyfriend is.” “Got it,” Spike said. “Uh… Twilight… you don’t think Rarity is high maintenance, do you?” “…” “Twilight?” “So, how about the Detrot Tigers? I know Shining would have you believe the Red Wings are more interesting-“ Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon pulled away from each other and cleared their throats. “We have discussed it and determined we have a better reason for you not to find Scootaloo and why it is better that she remain lost.” “And that is?” Twilight asked. “Because you don’t know what she’s like!” Silver Spoon shouted. “She’s horrible and awful and we’re all better off with her gone!” “That is rather harsh,” Twilight said with disapproval. “What makes you say that?” “Just listen to what she did last week and you will understand why all of Ponyville is better off with her gone.” Diamond waved Carington over. “Please send in the storyteller.” “Very good, milady.” Spike frowned. “Storyteller?” “You don’t think I’d tell this story myself, did you?” Diamond said in confusion. “I have stallions for that.” The little drake whispered to Twilight, “I think she has a stallion to help her with her ‘duties’ too.” A teal-colored stallion who was wearing a brown suit and a black top hat hurried into the room. “And so, called upon by his mistress to perform his duty, the stallion known as Plotdump the Narrator arrived, seeing this has his moment to prove his worth.” “Oh no,” Spike said with a groan. “What?” “Uh… let’s just say I’ve had a run in with this stallion before.” Diamond Tiara clanked her hooves together. “Plotdump, please tell the Princess and her little mail service provider-“ “Hey!” “Well, that is kind of your job,” Twilight pointed out. “-what happened last week!” “And with those words Diamond Tiara unleashed the full power of Plotdump the Narrator, who began to tell his tale…” ~Two Weeks…~ “Well, I think we’ve hit every party dress store in Ponyville,” Silver Spoon stated as she and her best friend, Diamond Tiara, trotted out of the fashion boutique, their servants only a few steps behind carrying their packages. “But remind me again, why did we have to buy every single one?” Diamond Tiara laughed. “Because, Silver, there are many poor fillies in the world that will never be able to afford dresses like these. By buying them we ensure they never have to see them and thus don’t have to deal with the guilt and pain that comes from the fact that they will never be allowed to own such fine garments.” “Uh, couldn’t you donate them to the poor fillies?” “But then they would become use to such fine things and be unable to enjoy all the trash that they own. Isn’t it better to ensure they never have a taste of the life they’ll never be able to truly have than to taunt them with something they can only experience once and never experience again? Doesn’t that make us heroes?” “…no.” “Oh, hello girls!” said a cream-colored colt with a perfectly coifed mane who walked over. He was wearing a white button up shirt and a red dickie around his neck. “How are you today?” “We’re doing great, Gold Standard!” “Wait, who is Gold Standard?” “He’s our best friend!” “Then… why haven’t we heard of him?” “Because you a grown mare without fillies or colts of your own and thus have no reason to know about the going ons of students.” “She has you there, Twilight.” “Okay, maybe, but I still think it is weird that you have a friend no one has ever heard of.” “What are you up to today, Gold?” Diamond asked. “Well, I was coming to find you both… Diggy-Dog and I decided to take a walk through the park and pick up some food and thought you might want to join us.” Gold Standard motioned towards the large Great Dane that was standing next to him. “Isn’t that right, Diggy-Dog?” “Dat’s dight Dold!” Diggy proclaimed. “Wait… your friend has a talking dog?” “What’s wrong with that? You have a pet that can talk too!” “…did you just call Spike my pet?” “Did she just call me a pet?!? Permission to kill?” “Denied, Spike.” The three friends walked towards Ponyville’s main park, happily chatting about all sorts of things that fillies and colts talk about. “I just don’t understand why Mayor Mare expects daddy to pay more in taxes than the Apples. It’s not his fault they are stupid and poor.” Diamond paused, her lips pursed together. “Actually, it’s a little bit his fault, since he could pay them more-“ “Oh no! Oh no!” a crimson mare cried out, pacing back in forth in agitation. “What are we going to do? What are we going to do?” “She likes to repeat herself a lot,” Silver said. Gold Standard walked over to the distressed mare. “Excuse me… is something wrong?” “Oh… oh, it’s just awful. The fair is completely ruined.” “The fair?” Diamond asked. “What fair?” The mare, suddenly realizing she had strangers in front of her, blushed. “I’m sorry, where are my manners? I’m Miss Plan-Well and I’ve been hired to set up Ponyville’s Spring Fair this year.” “I didn’t know we were having a fair!” Silver said, excited. “It’s been a few years but the Mayor thought it’d be a good time to bring it back.” Miss Plan-Well shook her head. “But now it looks like we are going to cancel. Oh, everyone is going to be so disappointed!” “Doh do!” Diggy-Dog exclaimed. Silver Spoon patted the mare on the foreleg. “It’s ok… what’s going on that is making you cancel?” Miss Plan-Well looked utterly despondent. “Everything was going so well and we were so close to getting ready to open our doors… and then the Creepy Meanie Creature appeared!” “The Creepy Meanie Creature?” the three youngsters and their dog exclaimed. “Yes. A horrible thing that is terrorizing the fair and the workers! Booths were smashed, rides have been disabled, and all sorts of things have gone missing! Oh, I just don’t know what we’ll do now.” Gold Standard looked at the fillies before clearing his throat. “Miss Plan-Well, my friends and I would like to help you solve this mystery!” “You would? That would be wonderful! I’ve always said that the only ponies you can trust are rich ones!” “And you’re right!” Diamond said proudly. “We’ll get to the bottom of this mystery!” “That’s wonderful!” Miss Plan-Well said. “Can we help too?” a stallion called out. The group turned and gasped as 5 very tall stallions walked over to them, each one wearing a basketball jersey and shorts. Several of them were spinning balls on their tails or on the tops of their heads. “We were coming to be special presenters at this fair but now I think we should help these mystery solvers uncover what is going on!” “I don’t believe it!” Silver Spoon cried out. “It’s the world famous Harlem Globewalkers!” “Ok, stop for a moment.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Yes, Princess?” Plotdump said. “Why are the Globewalkers in this story?” Twilight asked. “That makes no sense. I thought this was a story about Scootaloo.” “It is a story explaining Scootaloo,” Diamond Tiara said, sipping her tea. Silver Spoon nodded. “Yeah, and the Globewalkers are there to spice things up!” “So your story… has special guest stars?” Spike asked. “Yup!” Diamond and her entourage said at once. “…ok, whatever.” Twilight said with a groan. “Just… just hurry it up, would you?” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Okay, everyone, let’s look around and see if we can find some clues!” Diamond Tiara said. “I don’t dow, dis dounds dangerous! Dooooooo!” Diggy said, shivering. “Come on, Diggy, you have to help!” Gold Standard said. “Yeah, talkin’ dog!” one of the Globewalkers proclaimed, doing a fancy ball juggling trick. “A team ain’t a team without every player!” “Do duck dourself! I dot doing dit!” “Diggy, we don’t tell people to duck themselves! It's strange and where would they find duckbills at this hour?” Gold Standard said sternly before pulling out a box. “Would you do it for a Shining Snack?” “…do.” “How about two Shining Snacks?” “…dokay!” Diggy said, happily accepting the treats. “Det’s do dit!” The large group began to investigate around one of the torn tents near the edge of the fair ground. It was just as Miss Plan-Well had said: crates were smashed, poles shattered, and parts of the tent were ripped and torn, allowing cool air to blow in. It looked like a riot had broken out but as Diamond Tiara stared at the damage she had the oddest feeling of deja vu. “This is odd,” Gold Standard said. “From what a few of the eye witnesses said, Creepy Meanie Creature is a large shaggy creature like a really hairy pony. But look at these hoofprints in the dirt over here.” “Do I have to look at the icky dirt?” Diamond asked. “I’d like dirt if it weren’t so… dirty.” “Why are you pausing?” “So you can laugh.” “Stories don’t have pauses for audience laughter.” “This one does.” “Jinkies!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. “They’re so small… and there are so many of them!” “So what?” one of the Globewalkers asked. “Does that mean the Creepy is a bug monster or something?” "We could splat it with our awesome basketball tricks!" “I don’t think so,” Diamond called out. “Come over here!” “Diamond, dhat did dou dind?” Diggy asked. “It’s a bunch of crates full of prizes for the fair games. But look… when you compare what is here to the manifest... the only prizes that are missing are temporary tattoos!” Silver rubbed her chin. “Little hoofprints, missing temporary tattoos, oddly familiar damage to the tent… jinkies! I think I solved the mystery!” “And not a moment too soon!” Gold Standard exclaimed, pointing towards the tent’s entrance. “It’s the Creepy Meanie Creature!” A strange luppy beast with a thick shaggy coat and glowing eyes walked towards them, letting out moans as it did so. The Globewalkers cried out and Diggy Dog whimpered by Diamond Tiara merely rushed forward, running around the Creature until it got dizzy. “Gold, do it now!” “On it!” Gold proclaimed, dropping a plot-convenient net on the monster. The Creepy Meanie Creature let out a moan of protest but the Globewalkers began to pelt it with basketballs till it was out cold. “Yeah, we did it!” It only took a few minutes to get Miss Plan-Well. “My word, you caught the monster!” “Yeah, but you see, Miss Plan-Well, this isn’t a monster!” Gold stated. “It isn’t? But then… what is it?” “Before we explain, let’s look at the clues,” Silver said. “The Creature looks big and tough but when we looked over the tent we found sets of little hoofprints… three sets in fact!” “And then there were the prizes!” a Globewalker said. “The Creature only stole temporary tattoos… temporary tattoos it… or they… could use to fake having cutie marks!” “Finally there is the name,” Diamond Tiara said. “The Creepy Meanie Creature’s initials are C.M.C., the same as…” she reached up and tore away the Creature’s head, revealing it to be a mask. “THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” Scootaloo pouted as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle crawled out of the costume. “We just wanted to ruin everypony’s fun because we are horrible and mean and we stole the temporary tattoos so we wouldn’t be blank flanks anymore. We would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling fillies and your dog!” “Diggy Diggy Doooooooooogggg!” ~MC~MC~MC~ “…that’s it?” Twilight asked. “We shouldn’t look for Scootaloo because she stole some temporary tattoos?” “Of course,” Diamond Tiara said with a grin. “Twilight,” Spike said softly, “I know you don’t throw your royal weight around but… just this once?” Twilight nodded. “Girls… GET OUT!” “What?!?” Diamond and Silver exclaimed. “Get out of my castle before your Princess banish you to… wherever I banish ponies!” “Neigh Jersey would work,” Spike stated. “Neigh Jersey!” Twilight declared. Diamond huffed. “You can’t-“ Twilight lit up her horn. “Banishing in five… four… three-“ The sound of hooves filled the air as Diamond, Silver, and their entourage of servants fled. “…Well, that worked out rather well,” Spike said. “Find Scootaloo!” a pony cried out as she entered the now damaged door, a herd of other townsfolk following her. Twilight and Spike stared at each other in horror. “Crap!” ~MC~MC~MC~ Scoota-loota-loo,Where are you We got some work to do now Scoota-loota-loo,Where are you We need some help from you now Come on, Scootaloo, they need you to help end this fable But if you don’t appear, then I fear Twilight will smash a table! You know we got a mystery to solve and Scootaloo, Let’s end this arc not on a lark! And Scootaloo if you come through you're gonna have yourself a Cutie Mark! Outta the park! Scoota-loota-loo,where are you You're ready and you're willing If we can't count on you Scootaloo this fic will just be beginning! Featherweight“I can’t believe this is working,” Twilight muttered as she walked through the streets of Ponyville, nodding at the occasional pony that walked past her on the sidewalk. “I told you it was a great plan!” Spike said with a cocky smirk from his perch on Twilight’s back. “You don’t realize it but ponies are pretty naïve when it comes to looks. You see somepony look even a little bit different and you assume it is a totally different mare or stallion! Thus, we throw on these disguises and we can blend right in.” Twilight frowned, wanting to refute that claim but finding it impossible; mostly because the claim was working. Had she attempted to walk down the street looking like herself her neighbors (‘Subjects, they are your subjects; You need to remember to call them that. Also, don’t call them Winkie Poohs, as that just seems to upset them’) would have swarmed her, moaning that she needed to find Scootaloo. But put on Spike’s white fedora from his little growth spurt episode and a moustache (she had known that spell would have a good use!) and no pony said a word. The same was true of Spike, who had managed to find a cowboy hat and get Twilight to give him a nice short stubbly beard over his entire face. “I still think there was a better plan, Spi-“ “Ahem,” the baby dragon said, clearing his throat and giving her a challenging look. “…Rickety Grimes,” Twilight said, her eyes shut in annoyance. Which wasn’t that good of an idea when one was walking. “Ow!” Twilight yelped, rubbing her sore nose and glaring at the light pole that had rudely stayed in her way and not moved (one might assume this thought to be nuts but considering that Twilight lived in a world where wolves were made of actual wood, a light pole that was able to move wasn’t that crazy). “Just walked down the middle of the street,” Spike commented. “Not like anyone is using this side.” Twilight glanced over at the steady stream of ponies that were marching in the opposite direction towards her castle, then at their side that was completely empty. “That is a good point,” she admitted, stepping off the sidewalk and moving down the empty street towards the elementary school. “We should get there pretty quick.” “And then we can figure out where Scootaloo went too, Coral.” “Can we discuss my fake name again?” “No, Coral.” Twilight grumbled but continued on. “The other Cutie Mark Crusaders should know where she disappeared to and then we can find her, bring her back, chain her to a mailbox and have her tell every pony everything.” Spike frowned. “I don’t remember agreeing to the mailbox thing.” “You don’t get a vote,” Twilight said darkly as they passed a food strand selling brownies that had a sign with her face in a big circle with a red line through it. “You know, since they don’t know who I am-“ “No, Coral.” “Excuse me sirs,” a bone-thin colt called out to them. He hurried over to them and grinned. “I’m Featherweight with the Ponyville Bugle and if you have a moment I’d like to ask you some questions for an article I’m writing.” Twilight looked down at Featherweight in surprise. “Aren’t you a little young to be a reporter for a newspaper?” “I’m normally a freelance photographer. My boss sent me out today to get some quotes from ponies about what’s going on… you know, with this mob.” “And to get photos of Spider-Colt!” a gray stallion with a tiny moustache and a salt-and-pepper colored mane roared from his office window a few buildings down from them. “We all know Spider-Colt is the one that made that Scootatoot disappear! I finally have that webslinging menace-“ “I want to both hate your editor and enjoy his antics,” Twilight stated. “Everypony says that,” Featherweight said. “Now, what do you think about the disappearance of Scootaloo?” Twilight sighed. “I think it is troubling, as you never want to hear that a filly has disappeared, but I think everypony is overreacting.” The thin colt nodded. “Oh, I completely agree… especially since I know where Scootaloo is and what she’s doing.” “You do?” Spike asked in surprise. “Why haven’t you told anyone? You could end the madness right now.” “Well, this madness,” Twilight said, watching as the local loony bin workers dragged Lyra back to the asylum after she’d tried to chop of Discord’s hands to claim them as her own (Discord, for his partt, had said ‘That mare is nuts… I might be in love’; he then went off to a rave with the author of this story and Deadpool). “I think the madness overall will remain. There’ll be less of it, that’s all.” Shaking her head, Twilight turned her attention back to Featherweight. “Alright, so you know what happened to Scootaloo, huh?” “Of course… but I can’t tell anyone because it is a secret.” Spike gulped. “Not the kind of secret that weird dog keeps talking about, right?” His clawed hands went for his bottom, protecting it. “No…” Featherweight paused, thinking things over. “You know, maybe I should tell you two and you can determine if I have the right to tell every other pony in town.” “You really think it’s a good idea to tell two strangers?” Twilight asked. Featherweight shrugged. “My aunt always tells me to talk to strangers.” “…I’d say you have that wrong but this is Ponyville.” Twilight and Spike moved to a bench, sitting down with Featherweight. “Alright, tell us where Scootaloo is.” “She’s with Rainbow Dash,” Featherweight said, “fighting crime.” “…of course she is,” Twilight muttered. ~MC~MC~MC~ It was an average day at stately Rainbow Manor. The owner of this great cloud estate, the daughter of Rainbow Blitz and Firefly, famed billionaire playmare Rainbow Dash, was seated in her favorite red easy back chair, the famed Peryton classic 'War (Uh, Good God Ya'll) and Peace' cracked open as she skimmed the pages. She was dressed in her favorite burgundy smoking jacket, a glass of apple juice that was nearly finished placed on the end table next to her. She would on occasion flip a page but otherwise was lost in the world of the book, only her eyes drifting back and forth across the word-filled pages (a book, dear reader, was something people read before fan fiction was invented). Seated on the floor near her was Dash's young ward Scootaloo. After the death of her parents the young filly (and accomplished acrobat) had been taken in by Dash who raised her as if she were her own child. She was sketching in a sketch pad, the pencil held between her teeth scraping back and forth across the page. "Wait, what? Since when is Rainbow Dash rich?" "Have you ever seen her house?" "Of course I have, I'm her-" "Coral..." "...I mean I've heard of her and both Rickety and I know she isn't rich. She just lives in a cloud house with rainbows draining off of it and I suddenly hear myself say that and realize how stupid I sound. Carry on." "Another drink, madam?" the Rainbow family butler asked. "Thank you, Tank," Dash said, accepting a glass from the suit-wearing tortoise. She brought it to her lips only for a shrill ring to fill the air. "On second thought, looks like we'll have to pass." She put the drink back down on Tank's back, Scootaloo tossing her sketchbook away. "Come along, Scoots... to the Do-Well Cave!" The two raced over to the bookcase and, with the tug upon the right book, it swung open to reveal two poles. They leapt onto said poles and slid down, disappearing from sight. The bottom of the poles were located deep under Rainbow Manor in what was known as the Do-Well Cave. Filled with all sorts of crime fighting gadgets and devices (each helpfully labeled), it was the greatest bastion for do-goers and the bane of all law breakings. Its location was a highly guarded secret that only a select few knew; all this to protect the protectors of Ponytham, who at that very moment were descending the poles, now dressed in their crime-fighting outfits. "Come along, Sparrow!" Rainbow Dash said. She now wore a dark purple bodysuit and cape, wraps around her hooves, a dark purple mask that covered her face, and a wide-brimmed hat. "Of course, Mare-Do-Well!" Scootaloo, aka the Filly Wonder known as Sparrow, declared. She was wearing green briefs, her red CMC cape draped around her neck, a red shirt, and a black domino mask. "What do you think the commissioner needs this time?" she asked as they reached the red Do-Well Phone (which was placed under a glass container for... reasons), which was directly linked to the commissioner’s office. "What she needs every time, old chum," Mare-Do-Well stated. "There is treachery and evil ahoof and it is up to us to stop it!" "Holy wicked deeds, Mare-Do-Well!" "Ok, just stop." ~MC~MC~MC~ "You think Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are superheroes?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you?" Featherweight asked. "...no!" Twilight exclaimed. "They aren't superheroes! They don't fight bad guys, they-" "What about Nightmare Moon?" Featherweight asked. "She was a bad guy... or mare... and Rainbow Dash helped defeat her!" Twilight frowned. "Okay, maybe, but-" "And then there was Discord!" Featherweight exclaimed. "Rainbow Dash defeated him too!" "After a while," Spike muttered, still remembering his brief time as the new 'Rainbow Dash'. "Alright, you have a point there. Still-" Featherweight cut her off. "She also helped stop that dragon and defeat that evil bug pony and took on Tirek and when there were a ton of Princess Twilights-" "Okay, okay!" Twilight exclaimed. "Yes, Rainbow Dash fights bad ponies. But she isn't a superhero. She doesn't have superpowers." "Rainboom?" Spike offered. "Oh... right." Twilight's ears twitched. "Uh... she doesn't have magic jewelry... er... I mean she isn’t part of a team of… hmmm." Twilight began to puzzle this over. "Huh. I guess all of us are superheroes, huh?" "All of us?" Featherweight asked suspiciously. "Find Scootaloo!" one of the zombie-like townsfolk cried out in the distance. Twilight let out a weak laugh. "I meant all of THEM! Not us. Not us at all. I'm Coral." Featherweight accepted this. "Alright. So, back to the story..." ~MC~MC~MC~ "We're here, commissioner," Mare-Do-Well said as she answered the Do-Well Phone. "Oh, thank goodness," Commissioner Goodone proclaimed. "We are in trouble, Mare-Do-Well. Several of your most dangerous villains have teamed up and are holding the Mayor of Ponytham hostage!" "Holy ransom plots, Mare-Do-Well!" Sparrow exclaimed. "Calm yourself, Filly Wonder," Mare-Do-Well stated before turning her attention back to the phone. "Commissioner, we'll make sure that the mayor is safe and those dastardly degenerate dogs are put back in their pens... and without a soup bone to gnaw on." Mare-Do-Well hung up the phone. "Come, Sparrow... to the Do-Well-Mobile!" The two of them raced over to a car (which looked strangely like an overly-large scooter) and were soon rocketing out of the Do-Well Cave and into the city. "Supermare could have this settled in 10 seconds." "Spi... I mean, Rickity... just because Supermare has powers doesn't mean she's better." "...yes it does. Be quiet, Coral!" “You should really listen to your dad, Coral.” "I am remembering this for when all the crazy is over. You do know that, right?" "Worth it, Coral... worth it." At the Ponytham City Hall Mayor Blathers strained against the ropes that held him tight to the chair in the center of the room. "You'll never get away with this!" "Mmmmmmm," the master thief Cattity purred, "you would be purrrrfectly wrong there, Mr. Mayor." She was dressed in a black catsuit (of course) and a domino mask. "Wak wak wak!" the Puffin cackled. The short, fat pony was dressed in his favorite tux with tails; a monocle perched in front of his eye. "I'm afraid you wouldn't be getting out of this!" "I suggest you chill," Snowday, the arctic-themed villain, proclaimed, placing his icy horn against the mayor's temple. "Or I'll give you quite the brain freeze." "That would be rather cold of you, Snowday!" Mare-Do-Well declared as she burst into the room, Sparrow striking a pose beside her. "Mare-Do-Well and Sparrow!" Puffin cried out. “Mare-Do-Well and Sparrow!” Catity exclaimed. “I told you to lock that door,” Snowday muttered. "Holy team-up, Mare-Do-Well!" Sparrow cried out. "Look at this lineup!" "I see it, Sparrow," Mare-Do-Well said. "It is a who's who of our most deadly rogues. The Puffin-" "wak wak wak! Birds of a feather and all that, Mare-Dolt-Well!" "Catity." "Oh, come now, darling," Catity said, slinking towards the hero. "I'm sure we can-" "Catity, I finished the juice box you gave me!" Sweetie Kitty called out, walking out from where she'd been sitting working on her coloring book. She, like her sister, was dressed in a black catsuit. "Can I have a snack?" "Fine, but try not to spoil your appetite." Catity gave her some change for the vending machine and gave her a gentle push away. When the two heroes stared at her she merely shrugged. "Our parents are on vacation." Mare-Do-Well merely stared at Catity for a moment before continuing. "Snowday." "It will be a cold day in hell before you defeat us!" the villain who wore a fishbowl on his head declared (why he wore it no one knew, since there was a hole for his horn to stick out of). "The Stumper," Mare-Do-Well said, focusing on a green stallion with a question mark cutie mark. Twirling his cane the unicorn said, "I'll stump you with this! How is a raven like a writing desk?" "Twilight likes to smash her head against both?" "Shut it, Rickety." "And the most dastardly of all," Mare-Do-Well said coldly, "Mr. Mime." "Mime, mime!" the Pokémon declared. "Holy Master Balls, Mare-Do-Well!" Sparrow declared. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Indeed, old chum!" Mare-Do-Well stated. "We've trained to be the greatest detectives of all time; sharpening our wits so that we might be able to reason out and deduce the greatest mysteries and stop the most cunning crimes of our time. We also have a vast array of gadgets and devices at our disposal to assist us in countering the cowardly criminals that convene to commit cunning crimes!" Mare-Do-Well took a step forward. "So naturally we're going to beat you all up with our hooves." "Wait, what?" "Wait, what?" the Stumper said seconds before Mare-Do-Well's hoof slammed into his temple. POW! "What's black and white and red all over?" Mare-Do-Well said as she bucked the question-asking stallion. "You." "Bye bye birdie!" Sparrow declared, grabbing a hold of Puffin's head. "I think I'd like to surrender now!" the villain whimpered. BLAM! "Hurt kitty, aching kitty, little ball of pain!" Mare-Do-Well declared, grabbing a chair and slamming it over Catity's head. CRACK! "Gotta beat'em all!" Sparrow said as she threw Mr. Mime through a window. CRASH! "You'll need to ice down your injuries when I'm done with you!" Mare-Do-Well declared. Snowday frowned. "Hey, that isn't a pun! That's just you-" REAGANOMICS! "Well done, old chum," Mare-Do-Well told Sparrow as they looked over the bruised and beaten bad guys. "Holy hospital stay, Mare-Do-Well! They never stood a chance!" Sparrow hurried over to Mayor Blather and untied him. "Are you okay, sir?" "Oh yes... better than you!" "What?" Sparrow said just as the Mayor sprayed her and mare-Do-Well with a strange mist from a spray bottle he'd tucked away. "Holy... Holy... ugh." "Ooompf," Mare-Do-Well groaned as she passed out. WHY HAS THE MAYOR DONE THIS? WILL THE CAPED CRUSADER AND THE FILLY WONDER ESCAPE THIS DOUBLE CROSS? FIND OUT NEXT TIME... SAME DO-WELL TIME, SAME DO-WELL CHANNEL "Wait, what is that?" ~MC~MC~MC~ "What is what?" Featherweight asked. Twilight frowned. "Does... does your theory come in parts?" "Yeah!" Featherweight said happily. "You'll have to come back next week to hear the thrilling conclusion." "We will so do that!" Twilight said, her voice a touch overly bright and bubble as she hurried past Featherweight. Spike frowned. "Are we really?" "Buck no," Twilight said sternly. "Thought so."
Thunderlane"Have you noticed how quiet things have been over the last few months?" Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Alicorn of Friendship, the Dusk, and Crazy Experiments, Defeater of Discord, Defender of Ponyville, Bearer of the 6th Element of Harmony, Former Student of Princess Celestia, Savoir of Princess Luna, Sister-in-Law of Princess Cadence, and the only mare never to get 'Jiggy With It', looked up from the newspaper she was reading (there was an interesting article about a comic book convention going on in Detrot that weekend and Twilight wanted to know if the writers of Superstallion would be there). Her friend/adopted son/#1 Assistant/joint voice of reason, William T. Dragon (Spike to his friends), was lazily playing with a chocolate chip that had fallen off his muffin. The other hand was resting on his chin, propping his head up as he let out a weary sigh, looking around the rather quiet Sugar Cube Corner Bakery. There were a few ponies around getting a quick midmorning snack but otherwise it was a rather peaceful day for the bakery that employed Pinkie Pie (especially since Fakeo Lunamoon had finally worked off his tab). "It hasn't been that quiet," Twilight said, returning to the article she had been reading. "There was the Winter Wrap Up a few weeks ago." "And nothing strange happened thanks to you having everything so organized. We were done 12 hours early!" "...okay, that's true. But what about when Rarity got that magic cloth that could defy gravity and lifted ponies up into the sky? That was crazy!" Spike shook his head. "For five minutes, then we all realized we had pegasi around and they were able to help the floating ponies. The worst of it was when Fluttershy forgot she could fly herself." Twilight's lips pursed together. That little situation had settled down rather quickly. She hadn’t even bothered to record it in her friendship diary. "Ok, that's true... ah, remember the Queen of Fear?" "You mean that little breezie that thought she could scare ponies by whispering really quietly?" Spike asked dryly. "Slendermare is scarier than that and we learned she's just Zecora's college roommate who came for a visit." "Okay, sure." Twiligh blinked. "Huh, it has been rather quiet." "Yeah," Spike complained. "We use to have wild adventures and crazy misunderstandings but now none of that happens! Discord is a nonissue after that whole thing with Tirek, Lord Tydal and the capricorns haven't acted up in ages... heck, Queen Chrysalis got a pardon and is now building an amusement park near Ponywood!" The little drake let out a sigh. "Things have just gotten so dull." "You'd rather they be crazy again?" Twilight asked with a slight smirk. Spike quickly waved his taloned hands. "No no no... I had my fill when we had the Crisis of Infinite Yous!” “I still don’t like that name. It makes it sound like having a lot of mes is a bad thing.” “Said the mare that murdered all the Pinkie clones.” “I didn’t murder them!” Twilight complained. “That was eliminating unnatural magical constructs.” “Sure, sure, keep telling yourself that.” Spike went back to rolling the chocolate chip about. “I just want things to be a bit more lively, not utter madness." He gave a small shrug. "You know, like when you were searching for Scootaloo's secret origins." Every table in Sugar Cube Corner shuddered. “Nothing about that week was ‘a bit lively’,” Twilight grumbled, her horn glowing as she raised her tea cup to her lips and took a quick sip. “Have you forgotten how insane things got?” “Not really… we still have that dalek you adopted living in the basement.” “Be nice to Rollypolly. Everypony from my friends to neighbors to the rulers of this country decided to troll me about Scootaloo and her origins… and it turned out she was the daughter of two recluses who like building tables. So I take back what I said… it wasn’t just insane, it was pointless.” “I wouldn’t say that,” Spike said. “I mean, we figured out Miss Cheerilee was insane and were able to get her the medical help she needed.” ~Meanwhile, at Dr. Head Shrinker’s Office~ “Miss Cheerilee, please stop rubbing magnets against me.” The schoolmare merely eyed the balding stallion, placing a magnet against his slightly pudgy cheek. “Ha! You will not convert me, robot! Fry!” “No one here’s a robot,” Dr. Shrinker said with a long suffering sigh. “I am not a robot, your students aren't robots, the Princesses aren’t robots. This is all a part of your delusions. There are no robots here, pretending to be ponies, seeking to destroy us all.” “But…” “No buts,” Shrinker said. “Now, why don’t you lie down while I have my receptionist get you some soothing herbal tea. Would you like that?” Miss CHeerilee slowly made her way back to the psychiatrist’s couch. “Yes… I’m sorry doctor. A cup of tea would be lovely.” Dr. Shrinker touched a comm. on his table. “Miss Papercut, could you please come here.” “BEEP.YES.DOCTOR.” The silver mare with glowing read eyes walked in on her stiff legs. “BEEP.” “AAAAAAAAA!!!” Miss Cheerilee screamed, leaping onto Dr. Shrinker, clinging to his head. Dr. Shrinker let out a sigh. “Miss Papercut, we talked about this; stop scaring my patients!” “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist! Oh, is that stallion who is afraid of bananas coming today? I went to the grocery store…” ~MC~MC~MC~ Twilight frowned. “While that is well and good, I’d have been perfectly happy not knowing the mare teaching fillies and colts was nuts. Of course, considering how crazy every other pony in this country is, I imagine the current sub is any better.” “They aren’t that crazy-“ Spike said, only for the rest of his words to die on his tongue as Derpy and the Doctor ran by, holding a cabage that was wearing a beanie hat, Dinky only a few steps behind them, a fez on her head and a sonic screwdriver clutched in her mouth. “-ok, they are crazy, but we kinda already knew that. You’ve been saying they were crazy since we first came here.” “Yes, but for once I was happy to not have exact measurements.” Twilight folded her paper, deciding to get back to the article about the Griffland House of Lords being scolded by Dowager Countess Gertrude Snowheart and then sent to bed without their blood pudding. “I’m just glad we are done with talking about Scootaloo.” “Scootaloo?” a deep voice said. Twilight and Spike suddenly felt a cold breeze hit them and somewhere off in the distance a moody saxophone began to play. The smell of stale smoke drifted around them and it looked to the two as if Discord had decided to once more drain all the color in the world, leaving Sugar Cube in monochrome. “I’ve already heard that name once today and now I hear it once more in the most unlikely of places.” A black stallion wearing a gray fedora and battered trenchcoat walked over to them, tipping his hat to both of them. “Names Thunderlane, Private Eye. I’d come to get a cup of coffee and bend an ear but now it looks like I’ll be getting a sideorder of information to go along with my Cup of Joe.” “…we already know the origin of Scootaloo!” Twilight said quickly, hoping to hold off any attempts by the Pegasus to tell them his crazy theory about the orange filly. “Then I suppose you’ll be able to clue me in, dollface,” Thunderlane said, taking a seat next to Spike. He motioned towards Mrs. Cake and said, “Coffee. Make it as black as the underbelly of this crime-ridden hamlet.” “…you want it to be overflowing with milk and cream to the point that there’s no coffee in it?” Mrs. Cake said in confusion. “Make it beautifully tragic,” Twilight said, hoping to get rid of the baker; it was bad enough to be dealing with somepony that wanted to tell her about Scootaloo’s origin, but Mrs. Cake and her rumor-spreading were in a league of their own. Twilight’s scheme worked and Mrs. Cake scurried off, leaving her to deal with only one potential pain in her flank. “As I was saying, we know Scootaloo’s origins and if you’d like to know-“ Thunderlane reached into is trenchcoat’s pocket and pulled out a thick piece of wildgrass, placing it between his lips. He reached over and gave Spike’s tail a tug, causing the startled baby dragon to let out a small flare of fire that the detective used to light the tip of his wildgrass. “Uh, I really don’t think you can smoke in here,” Twilight said. “Or use me as a lighter!” Spike complained. “I’m not concerned with the kid’s past,” Thunderlane said, smoke leaking from the corners of his mouth. “I’m trying to ensure she has a future.” “What are you talking about?” Twilight said. “Seriously, does no one else care that I’m not a lighter?” Mr. Cake walked over, holding out a pot of coffee, and yanked on Spike’s tail, aiming the stream of fire on the pot. “Thank you. Our warmer is acting up.” “STOP THAT!” Spike screamed as Mr. Cake happily walked away. He cradled his tail and looked over at Twilight. “I’ve been violated.” “I’m talking about a story as old as time itself. It starts with some poor slob just looking to discover a few of life’s hidden mysterious, a little filly lost and scared, and most importantly of all… a dame.” ~MC~MC~MC~ The rain was striking my window like Hot Trot going into one of his tap routines. It offered only a little bit of relief from the heat that seemed to forever cling to this town like a short skirt on an aging street walker. Still, it was doing better than the rattling fan that hung in the corner of my office. My chair squeaked as I looked over some old cold case files, the dead faces of those poor mares and stallions looking up at me, silently pleading with me to bring the vengeance that had long been denied to them. I leaned back, staring at the water-stained tiles, wondering if it was fair to compare them to the stained soul of this dirty town. Probably not, as this place was more layered than any tile. Business had been slow, though I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that meant that things were peaceful in this hellhole of a city. That was the first mistake a pony made, believing that this town could ever be peaceful. More often than not it was also their last. The quiet meant that the criminals were being smart, performing their knife work without drawing any attention. I got how some could see this run down, dirty, corrupt to the core town as something shining and bright but I’d long had my eyes opened and no amount of spit shine and polish would make me believe it anything but a festering wound on the face of Equestria. “Wait, are you talking about Ponyville?” “Ponyville, the city that never sleeps or met a law it didn’t want to break.” “…we are talking about the same Ponyville, right? We were voted ‘Most Likely to Hug a Stranger’ four years running by Ponytimes Weekly!” “Ponytimes Weekly, a rag that feeds on the pain and suffering of the masses, following the commands of their bloated-“ “Ok, nevermind, back to your purple prose.” I was all alone in my office, with only the ghosts of past failures to keep me company. I was about ready to call it a night and find a bottle of bourbon to chase me into Morphius’ embrace when she walked in. I knew the moment I saw her she was going to be trouble but the question was what kind. Was she going to be the kind of trouble that drove poets to madness and singers to longing despair… or the kind that began with honeyed words and ended with a bullet in your head? Of course, in my line of work, it’s possible for a mare to be both. She was a leggy lady that knew she looked good and wanted the entire world to think the same. Every step was a testament to her strength and I could practically see the hearts of all the stallions she was crushing with every trot of her hoof. She wore a stylish fog-gray coat that hung off her frame like a lover desperate for her not to leave, hinting at the cobalt body that was hidden just underneath. I leaned back, taking her in, silently warning myself to be careful of this one. She knew how to tease and hint and if I wasn’t careful I’d find my soul joining all the others that had fallen for her. Her hair was hidden under her tilted hat and a translucent veil hung over her face. She had smokey eyes that could trap a man in their depths and a small little mouth that could make your heart flutter or shatter depending on how she used it. Oh yes… that mouth might be her most dangerous weapon. As she took her seat I could tell she knew what she did to stallions and didn’t care one lick. Yeah, this one was trouble all right. “What can I do for you, ma’am?” I asked, a piece of wildgrass dangling from my lips. “I need your help,” she said, her voice a breathy whisper. The words seemed to dance right off her tongue. “Everypony that walks through that door needs my help, sweetheart,” I said, reaching into my desk drawer and pulling out a bottle and two glasses. I poured us each a splash and she accepted it, taking a moment to swirl her’s before downing the contents in one shot. I watched her throat work and- “Okay, I’m going to stop you right there.” ~MC~MC~MC~ Thunderlane blinked in confusion. “What is it, little drake?” Spike rolled his hand dismissively. “I really want to hear your story-“ “I don’t,” Twilight grumbled. “-but I could do without the rambling commentary where you compare one thing to another thing.” The Private Eye frowned. “But that’s how I add color to this lifeless world.” “This world doesn’t need any more color. Have you seen half the ponies in this town? It looks like there was an explosion at a paint factory!” Twilight shook her head. “Spike, I think Thunderlane means ‘color’ as in ‘give more depth to the story’.” “That’s true, your highness. Of course, I wouldn’t call this black and white little world of ours that colorful.” Spike and Twilight just stared at Thunderlane, who accepted his Tragically Beautiful coffee from Mrs. Cake (she’d gotten the order wrong and prayed her didn’t noticed). “There are only three colors: black, white, and gray. Our mortality is like cream in a cup of coffee; no matter how much you pour in, you can’t ever get the coffee to be pure white… instead it corrupts and darken the cream, like crime does to any soul that-“ “Yada yada yada,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “Alright, continue if you must.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “What brings a dame like you to a place like this?” I asked her, pouring her another splash before taking a sip of my own. It burned my throat and warmed my belly, reminding me that I was alive. It’s easy to forget your breathing when you live in a town like this.” “The worst criminal we have in Ponyville is the Undergarment Snatcher and he only breaks into Rarity’s House! Spike, why are you fidgeting?” “Uh… no reason.” “A filly’s gone missing and I need your help finding her,” the dame said, looking at me from lidded eyes. “She important to me and I’m afraid something foul has happened to her.” “Maybe she just ran away. Fillies do that. They get stars in their eyes and think they can find success and fame on their own. Course, what they normally end up locating is crime, pain and death.” I gave her a steady stare. “I’m sorry, dollface, but I’m telling it like it is.” “She didn’t run off,” the smokey dame complained, a bit of fire flashing in those cunning eyes of hers. More than one stallion had been burned trying to tame that fire, I was sure of it. “I know Scootaloo and she wouldn’t have left without telling me.” “Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think.” “I didn’t come here to be mocked, gumshoe,” she complained, standing up to leave. “If you won’t help-“ “I didn’t say I wouldn’t help. Cool your gams and sit back down.” I picked up my drink and walked over to the window, staring out at the trash-strewned street below. This job had made me jaded, forcing me to look at the worst of the world and see it in every alleyway and dumpster. I shouldn’t have felt anything about this case and told the femme fatale to take her sob stories to someone else… but I couldn’t. I don’t know what it was about this crazy dame that made me want to hope again but damn me, I did. I wanted to help her find this Scootaloo, to save that poor little filly from whatever swirling mess she’d gotten into. I knew it was foolish but at that moment I thought that if I could just save her perhaps I could save a bit of my own soul. I wanted to steal it back from this city that had taken so much. “Now, why don’t you tell me your name, dollface.” “Dash,” the sultry mare said. “Rainbow Dash. You know how to say that, right? It starts by rolling your tongue-“ “Are you drunk?” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Only a touch, why do you ask?” Thunderlane said, taking a sip of coffee. Twilight just stared at Thunderlane, wondering if she could get away with punting him to the moon (‘I could tell Princess Celestia that he was trying to bring eternal monologuing to the world…’). “You described Rainbow Dash as ‘sultry’ and as a ‘dame’. I can’t think of any two words that would be worst to describe her!” “Humble and slow?” Spike offered. “Okay, those two work but you get my point.” Twilight pushed away from her table, her horn glowing as she snatched some bits from her saddlebag and placed them on the table (Pumpkin and Pound Cake, who were waiting in the rafters to drop a bread cage on any dine-and-dashers, whimpered that they wouldn’t get to trap her). “Listen, this has been fun-“ “No it hasn’t,” Spike said. “No it hasn’t and I need to be going now.” Twilight was two steps away from the table when her friends burst in. “Ha! Oh, this is perfect! Rainbow Dash, this crazy detective-“ “Thunderlane!” Rainbow Dash cried out, hurrying over to the black Pegasus stallion. “Have you heard anything about Scootaloo?” “…what?” Twilight said. Fluttershy shivered. “It’s just horrible, Twilight. Scootaloo has gone missing.” “…no she hasn’t,” Twilight said weakly. Applejack nodded. “No one can find the little one, sugarcube. Dash over there hired that gumshoe in hopes he could help find her.” “…please no.” “Hey!” Pinkie shouted, popping out from a trash can. “You know who we should have asked? Twilight! She knows a ton about Scootaloo.” “Wait, what?.” “You’re right, Pinkie!” Rarity said before turning towards Twilight. “My dear, you must take the lead on this.” “What’s happening?!?” Spike whimpered, clinging to Twilight’s leg as he saw everyone in the bakery slowly turn and stare at them. “Twilight, I’m scared!” “Please Twilight!” Rainbow exclaimed, hurrying over to her friend. “You have to find the kid!” “Find Scootaloo!” someone chanted, the call being picked up by the rest of the bakery. Twilight and Spike began to back away, quickly finding themselves surrounded. “Find Scootaloo!” “Find Scootaloo!” “Find Scootaloo!” “Brains! Wait, I mean, Find Scootaloo!” “Find Scootaloo!” Thunderlane watched this all and sighed. “I’d been unable to find anything to break open the case so I stopped off at a local dive to get some coffee. But answers were waiting for me in the form of the ‘Princess of Ponyville’ and her hired muscle. She was a mare that had quickly risen to power and now had the entire town wrapped around her hoof, clueless to her ways and secrets. He was a muscular brute with a temper to match, willing to burn you first and ask questions later. If anyone knew where the poor girl had gone it would be them.” “Mommy, what’s wrong with that stallion?” a little colt asked. The mother pushed her child towards the door. “I don’t know but I wouldn’t go near him.”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon“What did the Princess say?” Spike asked moments after Twilight had teleported into the Castle of Friendship (they were still working on the name; Pinkie had suggested “Princess Twilight’s Big Honkin’ Castle”… the purple mare was 50/50 on that). She hadn’t been able to use the door because Spike had barricaded it, along with the windows, escape hatches, and murder holes (why a magical crystal castle built via the power of rainbow energy and the Tree of Harmony had murder holes was a question best left to the ages). Luckily they’d had plenty of wood around to board up any entrance points (something had to happen to all the tables Twilight smashed) so Spike wasn’t lacking in supplies. He dropped his hammer and hurried over to her, practically clinging to her as he asked, “Is she going to save us? Let us bum around her castle? Send in a squad of big burly stallions to protect us?” Twilight sighed, putting her crown on the hat rack (she still didn’t get why Rarity thought that was being disrespectful; a hat rack worked perfectly for holding her crowns and hats with fuzzy earflaps). “Not exactly.” “What do you mean, not exactly?” Spike exclaimed in utter terror, eyes wide with panic. Outside he could hear the faint murmurs of ‘Find Scootaloo’ (or possibly ‘Bind Tootaroo’, he couldn’t be sure). “Is she coming here with an army to save us? Did she already find Scootaloo? Are the End of Days upon us and the Four Ponies of the Apocolapse riding forth in the sky? Please tell me something other than ‘Celestia isn’t helping us, we’re on our own’!” “I’m sorry, Spike.” Twilight said wearily. “Celestia said she wouldn’t help us.” “I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT!” He tugged on his tail. “For once I wish the situation wasn’t about ‘zombies’.” “Calm your scales, Spike. We’re on our own.” “But why?” “I don’t know,” Twilight said, going over to her favorite couch (she’d bought it once she realized that a blue stone throne was horribly uncomfortable) and laid down on it (she also made a mental note to thank Rarity for suggesting that type of sofa… well, once Rarity was done chanting ‘Find Scootaloo’). “Maybe you did it wrong!” Spike said frantically. “Yeah… maybe you screwed up so only you are screwed and Princess Celestia still loves me and-“ “I did not do something wrong!” Twilight complained. “I went to her Court and filed a formal request…” ~30 Minutes Earlier…~ “And… and you’re sure we are safe here?” the white-tail deer ambassador asked, looking around the throne room as if he expected an assassin to suddenly pop out and strike him. “I think I saw something move in that empty corner where there isn’t anything…” Princess Celestia forced herself to keep a calm smile on her face (it was the same smile she wore whenever one of her subjects did something really stupid and she was trying hard not to scream). In the same tones she’d used when Cadence was a baby she said, “I assure you, Ambassador Fleethoof, everything is perfectly safe. I have all my guards stationed around the castle… which I have also emptied so we are the only two inside. I’ve removed all the tapestries and rugs so no one can hide under them and made sure that every non-needed door is sealed and shut, so that the only ways in or out are through routes I have selected. The moment we are done I will personally ride with you in a sky chariot back to your embassy. Every precaution has been taken.” The ambassador looked around one last time before allowing himself to calm down a touch. Celestia let out a sigh of relief; she’d been working for 3 months to get this meeting set up. The ambassador of Deermark was well known for being skittish and scared; he always was seeing threats where there were none. Normally she would have just let the poor buck be… but Equestria was in need of a renewed trade compact with Deermark and the only way that would happen, thanks to the foreign country’s rather twisted and confusing constitution, was to work with the nervous ambassador (of course, considering her own country’s laws stated that if a pony suddenly gained both wings and a horn they were automatically royalty, she didn’t have a leg to stand on). “Now then, let us-“ “DANGER, DANGER!” Twilight screamed, bursting into the throneroom, eyes wide with panic. “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” “URK!” THUD! “What was that?” Twilight asked, looking up at her mentor. Celestia grit her teeth. “That was the sound of the ambassador of Deermark having a panic-induced heart attack.” Fleethoof’s leg twitched as his tongue lulled out of his mouth. “…oh, that doesn’t sound good.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Once we got the doctors in there and they managed to get the ambassador’s heart working again Princess Celestia told me that I needed to handle this on our own. I didn’t press the issue… I think she’s having some issues with her jaw because she kept it really clenched.” “…did she directly mention me or just say your name?” “Don’t even think of trying to bail on me, Spike, or I’ll mention that to everyone that Scootaloo might be hiding in your secret gemstone collection.” Spike’s eyes went to pinpricks at that. “Now that’s just not fair!” “Princesses don’t have to be fair. It says so right in this manual!” Spike stared at the book Twilight had held up. “’I am an Alicorn Princess (and so can You!)’…. By Iron Will?” “He’s actually a really good writer,” Twilight said, tucking the book back on the shelf. “Now then, we need to get started tracking down Scootaloo. I suggest we start at her house-“ And that’s when the door was bucked right off its hinges. “They’ve broken through our defenses!” Spike screamed, grabbing a plunger. “To arms, to arms!” “Madam, are you sure you wish to enter?” a large stallion in a suit asked. He was going bald and he was a bit too flabby, but one could tell that in his youth he had been a powerful stallion and still held a bit of that ancient strength. “They are awfully loud.” “They are, Carington, but we must. The rabble of this town are up in arms over that blank flank disappearing and it is up to us to set it right.” A small light pink filly entered the room, a gray filly with glasses only a few steps behind. “Princess Twilight Sparkle… and pet… I am Diamond Tiara. This is my associate Silver Spoon. We are here to ask you to end this foolishness concerning Scootaloo.” “…I think I’d rather go back to the zombie mob,” Spike said. “Princess Twilight, if you’d be so kind to summon your servants so we can have tea-“ “I don’t have servants,” Twilight said, raising a single eyebrow. “I’ve never felt the need.” It was clear that Diamond Tiara wanted to comment on that but knew better than to say one of her usual snotty little insults. While her daddy’s money allowed her to get away with that when it came to most ponies in the town, one did not stay rich if they insulting immortal alicorn royalty. “That’s ok, we’ll have our own servants take care of everything,” Silver Spoon said with a smile. “Carington?” “Of course, Lady Spoon.” The butler let out a whistle and an entire team of hoofmen rushed in, carrying a fine oak table, linens, polished cutlery, a porcelain tea set, and serving trays covered with decadent cakes and pastries. Twilight let out a squawk of protest as one of the hoofmen grabbed her and plopped her down on a cushioned chair, pushing it towards the table. The other hoofmen did the same for Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, though Spike (who kept muttering about racists) had to clamor up onto a chair by himself. Tea was poured and Diamond Tiara accepted a few tea cakes one of the servants offered her, flashing an ‘I’m better than you and my daddy pays your checks so keep up the good work and I’ll keep you around’ smile. “Aren’t they just wonderful? Daddy got this one potty trained just last week.” Diamond Tiara grinned at a hoofman who waited until her back was turned before rolling his eyes. “Now then, it has come to my attention that rather than do your princessly duties-“ “She normally does her doodies in the morning after breakfast,” Spike said with a smirk. “-you are focusing on that little blank flank Scootaloo.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “That ‘blank flank’ is a friend of mine. We are close.” “Yeah!” Spike said. “Scootaloo totally caused alternate dimensional Twilights to suddenly appear. They nearly destroyed Equestria!” Twilight stared at her Assistant before turning to Carington. “How much do one of you gentlecolts cost, on a weekly basis?” “Hey!” Twilight chuckled before turning her attention back to the little rich fillies. “So, you must have a reason for me to not go looking for Scootaloo.” Diamond opened her mouth but Twilight cut her off. “And not ‘because she’s a blank flank’.” Silver and Diamond shared a look before putting their heads together, whispering. “Spike?” Twilight said softly. “When you get older you will meet someone like Diamond Tiara. And while she may look really attractive and the money thing will be a turn-on, remember how Miss Tiara is acting. It is called ‘high maintenance’ and no pony or dragon is worth the pain a high maintenance fillyfriend is.” “Got it,” Spike said. “Uh… Twilight… you don’t think Rarity is high maintenance, do you?” “…” “Twilight?” “So, how about the Detrot Tigers? I know Shining would have you believe the Red Wings are more interesting-“ Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon pulled away from each other and cleared their throats. “We have discussed it and determined we have a better reason for you not to find Scootaloo and why it is better that she remain lost.” “And that is?” Twilight asked. “Because you don’t know what she’s like!” Silver Spoon shouted. “She’s horrible and awful and we’re all better off with her gone!” “That is rather harsh,” Twilight said with disapproval. “What makes you say that?” “Just listen to what she did last week and you will understand why all of Ponyville is better off with her gone.” Diamond waved Carington over. “Please send in the storyteller.” “Very good, milady.” Spike frowned. “Storyteller?” “You don’t think I’d tell this story myself, did you?” Diamond said in confusion. “I have stallions for that.” The little drake whispered to Twilight, “I think she has a stallion to help her with her ‘duties’ too.” A teal-colored stallion who was wearing a brown suit and a black top hat hurried into the room. “And so, called upon by his mistress to perform his duty, the stallion known as Plotdump the Narrator arrived, seeing this has his moment to prove his worth.” “Oh no,” Spike said with a groan. “What?” “Uh… let’s just say I’ve had a run in with this stallion before.” Diamond Tiara clanked her hooves together. “Plotdump, please tell the Princess and her little mail service provider-“ “Hey!” “Well, that is kind of your job,” Twilight pointed out. “-what happened last week!” “And with those words Diamond Tiara unleashed the full power of Plotdump the Narrator, who began to tell his tale…” ~Two Weeks…~ “Well, I think we’ve hit every party dress store in Ponyville,” Silver Spoon stated as she and her best friend, Diamond Tiara, trotted out of the fashion boutique, their servants only a few steps behind carrying their packages. “But remind me again, why did we have to buy every single one?” Diamond Tiara laughed. “Because, Silver, there are many poor fillies in the world that will never be able to afford dresses like these. By buying them we ensure they never have to see them and thus don’t have to deal with the guilt and pain that comes from the fact that they will never be allowed to own such fine garments.” “Uh, couldn’t you donate them to the poor fillies?” “But then they would become use to such fine things and be unable to enjoy all the trash that they own. Isn’t it better to ensure they never have a taste of the life they’ll never be able to truly have than to taunt them with something they can only experience once and never experience again? Doesn’t that make us heroes?” “…no.” “Oh, hello girls!” said a cream-colored colt with a perfectly coifed mane who walked over. He was wearing a white button up shirt and a red dickie around his neck. “How are you today?” “We’re doing great, Gold Standard!” “Wait, who is Gold Standard?” “He’s our best friend!” “Then… why haven’t we heard of him?” “Because you a grown mare without fillies or colts of your own and thus have no reason to know about the going ons of students.” “She has you there, Twilight.” “Okay, maybe, but I still think it is weird that you have a friend no one has ever heard of.” “What are you up to today, Gold?” Diamond asked. “Well, I was coming to find you both… Diggy-Dog and I decided to take a walk through the park and pick up some food and thought you might want to join us.” Gold Standard motioned towards the large Great Dane that was standing next to him. “Isn’t that right, Diggy-Dog?” “Dat’s dight Dold!” Diggy proclaimed. “Wait… your friend has a talking dog?” “What’s wrong with that? You have a pet that can talk too!” “…did you just call Spike my pet?” “Did she just call me a pet?!? Permission to kill?” “Denied, Spike.” The three friends walked towards Ponyville’s main park, happily chatting about all sorts of things that fillies and colts talk about. “I just don’t understand why Mayor Mare expects daddy to pay more in taxes than the Apples. It’s not his fault they are stupid and poor.” Diamond paused, her lips pursed together. “Actually, it’s a little bit his fault, since he could pay them more-“ “Oh no! Oh no!” a crimson mare cried out, pacing back in forth in agitation. “What are we going to do? What are we going to do?” “She likes to repeat herself a lot,” Silver said. Gold Standard walked over to the distressed mare. “Excuse me… is something wrong?” “Oh… oh, it’s just awful. The fair is completely ruined.” “The fair?” Diamond asked. “What fair?” The mare, suddenly realizing she had strangers in front of her, blushed. “I’m sorry, where are my manners? I’m Miss Plan-Well and I’ve been hired to set up Ponyville’s Spring Fair this year.” “I didn’t know we were having a fair!” Silver said, excited. “It’s been a few years but the Mayor thought it’d be a good time to bring it back.” Miss Plan-Well shook her head. “But now it looks like we are going to cancel. Oh, everyone is going to be so disappointed!” “Doh do!” Diggy-Dog exclaimed. Silver Spoon patted the mare on the foreleg. “It’s ok… what’s going on that is making you cancel?” Miss Plan-Well looked utterly despondent. “Everything was going so well and we were so close to getting ready to open our doors… and then the Creepy Meanie Creature appeared!” “The Creepy Meanie Creature?” the three youngsters and their dog exclaimed. “Yes. A horrible thing that is terrorizing the fair and the workers! Booths were smashed, rides have been disabled, and all sorts of things have gone missing! Oh, I just don’t know what we’ll do now.” Gold Standard looked at the fillies before clearing his throat. “Miss Plan-Well, my friends and I would like to help you solve this mystery!” “You would? That would be wonderful! I’ve always said that the only ponies you can trust are rich ones!” “And you’re right!” Diamond said proudly. “We’ll get to the bottom of this mystery!” “That’s wonderful!” Miss Plan-Well said. “Can we help too?” a stallion called out. The group turned and gasped as 5 very tall stallions walked over to them, each one wearing a basketball jersey and shorts. Several of them were spinning balls on their tails or on the tops of their heads. “We were coming to be special presenters at this fair but now I think we should help these mystery solvers uncover what is going on!” “I don’t believe it!” Silver Spoon cried out. “It’s the world famous Harlem Globewalkers!” “Ok, stop for a moment.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Yes, Princess?” Plotdump said. “Why are the Globewalkers in this story?” Twilight asked. “That makes no sense. I thought this was a story about Scootaloo.” “It is a story explaining Scootaloo,” Diamond Tiara said, sipping her tea. Silver Spoon nodded. “Yeah, and the Globewalkers are there to spice things up!” “So your story… has special guest stars?” Spike asked. “Yup!” Diamond and her entourage said at once. “…ok, whatever.” Twilight said with a groan. “Just… just hurry it up, would you?” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Okay, everyone, let’s look around and see if we can find some clues!” Diamond Tiara said. “I don’t dow, dis dounds dangerous! Dooooooo!” Diggy said, shivering. “Come on, Diggy, you have to help!” Gold Standard said. “Yeah, talkin’ dog!” one of the Globewalkers proclaimed, doing a fancy ball juggling trick. “A team ain’t a team without every player!” “Do duck dourself! I dot doing dit!” “Diggy, we don’t tell people to duck themselves! It's strange and where would they find duckbills at this hour?” Gold Standard said sternly before pulling out a box. “Would you do it for a Shining Snack?” “…do.” “How about two Shining Snacks?” “…dokay!” Diggy said, happily accepting the treats. “Det’s do dit!” The large group began to investigate around one of the torn tents near the edge of the fair ground. It was just as Miss Plan-Well had said: crates were smashed, poles shattered, and parts of the tent were ripped and torn, allowing cool air to blow in. It looked like a riot had broken out but as Diamond Tiara stared at the damage she had the oddest feeling of deja vu. “This is odd,” Gold Standard said. “From what a few of the eye witnesses said, Creepy Meanie Creature is a large shaggy creature like a really hairy pony. But look at these hoofprints in the dirt over here.” “Do I have to look at the icky dirt?” Diamond asked. “I’d like dirt if it weren’t so… dirty.” “Why are you pausing?” “So you can laugh.” “Stories don’t have pauses for audience laughter.” “This one does.” “Jinkies!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. “They’re so small… and there are so many of them!” “So what?” one of the Globewalkers asked. “Does that mean the Creepy is a bug monster or something?” "We could splat it with our awesome basketball tricks!" “I don’t think so,” Diamond called out. “Come over here!” “Diamond, dhat did dou dind?” Diggy asked. “It’s a bunch of crates full of prizes for the fair games. But look… when you compare what is here to the manifest... the only prizes that are missing are temporary tattoos!” Silver rubbed her chin. “Little hoofprints, missing temporary tattoos, oddly familiar damage to the tent… jinkies! I think I solved the mystery!” “And not a moment too soon!” Gold Standard exclaimed, pointing towards the tent’s entrance. “It’s the Creepy Meanie Creature!” A strange luppy beast with a thick shaggy coat and glowing eyes walked towards them, letting out moans as it did so. The Globewalkers cried out and Diggy Dog whimpered by Diamond Tiara merely rushed forward, running around the Creature until it got dizzy. “Gold, do it now!” “On it!” Gold proclaimed, dropping a plot-convenient net on the monster. The Creepy Meanie Creature let out a moan of protest but the Globewalkers began to pelt it with basketballs till it was out cold. “Yeah, we did it!” It only took a few minutes to get Miss Plan-Well. “My word, you caught the monster!” “Yeah, but you see, Miss Plan-Well, this isn’t a monster!” Gold stated. “It isn’t? But then… what is it?” “Before we explain, let’s look at the clues,” Silver said. “The Creature looks big and tough but when we looked over the tent we found sets of little hoofprints… three sets in fact!” “And then there were the prizes!” a Globewalker said. “The Creature only stole temporary tattoos… temporary tattoos it… or they… could use to fake having cutie marks!” “Finally there is the name,” Diamond Tiara said. “The Creepy Meanie Creature’s initials are C.M.C., the same as…” she reached up and tore away the Creature’s head, revealing it to be a mask. “THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” Scootaloo pouted as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle crawled out of the costume. “We just wanted to ruin everypony’s fun because we are horrible and mean and we stole the temporary tattoos so we wouldn’t be blank flanks anymore. We would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling fillies and your dog!” “Diggy Diggy Doooooooooogggg!” ~MC~MC~MC~ “…that’s it?” Twilight asked. “We shouldn’t look for Scootaloo because she stole some temporary tattoos?” “Of course,” Diamond Tiara said with a grin. “Twilight,” Spike said softly, “I know you don’t throw your royal weight around but… just this once?” Twilight nodded. “Girls… GET OUT!” “What?!?” Diamond and Silver exclaimed. “Get out of my castle before your Princess banish you to… wherever I banish ponies!” “Neigh Jersey would work,” Spike stated. “Neigh Jersey!” Twilight declared. Diamond huffed. “You can’t-“ Twilight lit up her horn. “Banishing in five… four… three-“ The sound of hooves filled the air as Diamond, Silver, and their entourage of servants fled. “…Well, that worked out rather well,” Spike said. “Find Scootaloo!” a pony cried out as she entered the now damaged door, a herd of other townsfolk following her. Twilight and Spike stared at each other in horror. “Crap!” ~MC~MC~MC~ Scoota-loota-loo,Where are you We got some work to do now Scoota-loota-loo,Where are you We need some help from you now Come on, Scootaloo, they need you to help end this fable But if you don’t appear, then I fear Twilight will smash a table! You know we got a mystery to solve and Scootaloo, Let’s end this arc not on a lark! And Scootaloo if you come through you're gonna have yourself a Cutie Mark! Outta the park! Scoota-loota-loo,where are you You're ready and you're willing If we can't count on you Scootaloo this fic will just be beginning!
Featherweight“I can’t believe this is working,” Twilight muttered as she walked through the streets of Ponyville, nodding at the occasional pony that walked past her on the sidewalk. “I told you it was a great plan!” Spike said with a cocky smirk from his perch on Twilight’s back. “You don’t realize it but ponies are pretty naïve when it comes to looks. You see somepony look even a little bit different and you assume it is a totally different mare or stallion! Thus, we throw on these disguises and we can blend right in.” Twilight frowned, wanting to refute that claim but finding it impossible; mostly because the claim was working. Had she attempted to walk down the street looking like herself her neighbors (‘Subjects, they are your subjects; You need to remember to call them that. Also, don’t call them Winkie Poohs, as that just seems to upset them’) would have swarmed her, moaning that she needed to find Scootaloo. But put on Spike’s white fedora from his little growth spurt episode and a moustache (she had known that spell would have a good use!) and no pony said a word. The same was true of Spike, who had managed to find a cowboy hat and get Twilight to give him a nice short stubbly beard over his entire face. “I still think there was a better plan, Spi-“ “Ahem,” the baby dragon said, clearing his throat and giving her a challenging look. “…Rickety Grimes,” Twilight said, her eyes shut in annoyance. Which wasn’t that good of an idea when one was walking. “Ow!” Twilight yelped, rubbing her sore nose and glaring at the light pole that had rudely stayed in her way and not moved (one might assume this thought to be nuts but considering that Twilight lived in a world where wolves were made of actual wood, a light pole that was able to move wasn’t that crazy). “Just walked down the middle of the street,” Spike commented. “Not like anyone is using this side.” Twilight glanced over at the steady stream of ponies that were marching in the opposite direction towards her castle, then at their side that was completely empty. “That is a good point,” she admitted, stepping off the sidewalk and moving down the empty street towards the elementary school. “We should get there pretty quick.” “And then we can figure out where Scootaloo went too, Coral.” “Can we discuss my fake name again?” “No, Coral.” Twilight grumbled but continued on. “The other Cutie Mark Crusaders should know where she disappeared to and then we can find her, bring her back, chain her to a mailbox and have her tell every pony everything.” Spike frowned. “I don’t remember agreeing to the mailbox thing.” “You don’t get a vote,” Twilight said darkly as they passed a food strand selling brownies that had a sign with her face in a big circle with a red line through it. “You know, since they don’t know who I am-“ “No, Coral.” “Excuse me sirs,” a bone-thin colt called out to them. He hurried over to them and grinned. “I’m Featherweight with the Ponyville Bugle and if you have a moment I’d like to ask you some questions for an article I’m writing.” Twilight looked down at Featherweight in surprise. “Aren’t you a little young to be a reporter for a newspaper?” “I’m normally a freelance photographer. My boss sent me out today to get some quotes from ponies about what’s going on… you know, with this mob.” “And to get photos of Spider-Colt!” a gray stallion with a tiny moustache and a salt-and-pepper colored mane roared from his office window a few buildings down from them. “We all know Spider-Colt is the one that made that Scootatoot disappear! I finally have that webslinging menace-“ “I want to both hate your editor and enjoy his antics,” Twilight stated. “Everypony says that,” Featherweight said. “Now, what do you think about the disappearance of Scootaloo?” Twilight sighed. “I think it is troubling, as you never want to hear that a filly has disappeared, but I think everypony is overreacting.” The thin colt nodded. “Oh, I completely agree… especially since I know where Scootaloo is and what she’s doing.” “You do?” Spike asked in surprise. “Why haven’t you told anyone? You could end the madness right now.” “Well, this madness,” Twilight said, watching as the local loony bin workers dragged Lyra back to the asylum after she’d tried to chop of Discord’s hands to claim them as her own (Discord, for his partt, had said ‘That mare is nuts… I might be in love’; he then went off to a rave with the author of this story and Deadpool). “I think the madness overall will remain. There’ll be less of it, that’s all.” Shaking her head, Twilight turned her attention back to Featherweight. “Alright, so you know what happened to Scootaloo, huh?” “Of course… but I can’t tell anyone because it is a secret.” Spike gulped. “Not the kind of secret that weird dog keeps talking about, right?” His clawed hands went for his bottom, protecting it. “No…” Featherweight paused, thinking things over. “You know, maybe I should tell you two and you can determine if I have the right to tell every other pony in town.” “You really think it’s a good idea to tell two strangers?” Twilight asked. Featherweight shrugged. “My aunt always tells me to talk to strangers.” “…I’d say you have that wrong but this is Ponyville.” Twilight and Spike moved to a bench, sitting down with Featherweight. “Alright, tell us where Scootaloo is.” “She’s with Rainbow Dash,” Featherweight said, “fighting crime.” “…of course she is,” Twilight muttered. ~MC~MC~MC~ It was an average day at stately Rainbow Manor. The owner of this great cloud estate, the daughter of Rainbow Blitz and Firefly, famed billionaire playmare Rainbow Dash, was seated in her favorite red easy back chair, the famed Peryton classic 'War (Uh, Good God Ya'll) and Peace' cracked open as she skimmed the pages. She was dressed in her favorite burgundy smoking jacket, a glass of apple juice that was nearly finished placed on the end table next to her. She would on occasion flip a page but otherwise was lost in the world of the book, only her eyes drifting back and forth across the word-filled pages (a book, dear reader, was something people read before fan fiction was invented). Seated on the floor near her was Dash's young ward Scootaloo. After the death of her parents the young filly (and accomplished acrobat) had been taken in by Dash who raised her as if she were her own child. She was sketching in a sketch pad, the pencil held between her teeth scraping back and forth across the page. "Wait, what? Since when is Rainbow Dash rich?" "Have you ever seen her house?" "Of course I have, I'm her-" "Coral..." "...I mean I've heard of her and both Rickety and I know she isn't rich. She just lives in a cloud house with rainbows draining off of it and I suddenly hear myself say that and realize how stupid I sound. Carry on." "Another drink, madam?" the Rainbow family butler asked. "Thank you, Tank," Dash said, accepting a glass from the suit-wearing tortoise. She brought it to her lips only for a shrill ring to fill the air. "On second thought, looks like we'll have to pass." She put the drink back down on Tank's back, Scootaloo tossing her sketchbook away. "Come along, Scoots... to the Do-Well Cave!" The two raced over to the bookcase and, with the tug upon the right book, it swung open to reveal two poles. They leapt onto said poles and slid down, disappearing from sight. The bottom of the poles were located deep under Rainbow Manor in what was known as the Do-Well Cave. Filled with all sorts of crime fighting gadgets and devices (each helpfully labeled), it was the greatest bastion for do-goers and the bane of all law breakings. Its location was a highly guarded secret that only a select few knew; all this to protect the protectors of Ponytham, who at that very moment were descending the poles, now dressed in their crime-fighting outfits. "Come along, Sparrow!" Rainbow Dash said. She now wore a dark purple bodysuit and cape, wraps around her hooves, a dark purple mask that covered her face, and a wide-brimmed hat. "Of course, Mare-Do-Well!" Scootaloo, aka the Filly Wonder known as Sparrow, declared. She was wearing green briefs, her red CMC cape draped around her neck, a red shirt, and a black domino mask. "What do you think the commissioner needs this time?" she asked as they reached the red Do-Well Phone (which was placed under a glass container for... reasons), which was directly linked to the commissioner’s office. "What she needs every time, old chum," Mare-Do-Well stated. "There is treachery and evil ahoof and it is up to us to stop it!" "Holy wicked deeds, Mare-Do-Well!" "Ok, just stop." ~MC~MC~MC~ "You think Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are superheroes?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you?" Featherweight asked. "...no!" Twilight exclaimed. "They aren't superheroes! They don't fight bad guys, they-" "What about Nightmare Moon?" Featherweight asked. "She was a bad guy... or mare... and Rainbow Dash helped defeat her!" Twilight frowned. "Okay, maybe, but-" "And then there was Discord!" Featherweight exclaimed. "Rainbow Dash defeated him too!" "After a while," Spike muttered, still remembering his brief time as the new 'Rainbow Dash'. "Alright, you have a point there. Still-" Featherweight cut her off. "She also helped stop that dragon and defeat that evil bug pony and took on Tirek and when there were a ton of Princess Twilights-" "Okay, okay!" Twilight exclaimed. "Yes, Rainbow Dash fights bad ponies. But she isn't a superhero. She doesn't have superpowers." "Rainboom?" Spike offered. "Oh... right." Twilight's ears twitched. "Uh... she doesn't have magic jewelry... er... I mean she isn’t part of a team of… hmmm." Twilight began to puzzle this over. "Huh. I guess all of us are superheroes, huh?" "All of us?" Featherweight asked suspiciously. "Find Scootaloo!" one of the zombie-like townsfolk cried out in the distance. Twilight let out a weak laugh. "I meant all of THEM! Not us. Not us at all. I'm Coral." Featherweight accepted this. "Alright. So, back to the story..." ~MC~MC~MC~ "We're here, commissioner," Mare-Do-Well said as she answered the Do-Well Phone. "Oh, thank goodness," Commissioner Goodone proclaimed. "We are in trouble, Mare-Do-Well. Several of your most dangerous villains have teamed up and are holding the Mayor of Ponytham hostage!" "Holy ransom plots, Mare-Do-Well!" Sparrow exclaimed. "Calm yourself, Filly Wonder," Mare-Do-Well stated before turning her attention back to the phone. "Commissioner, we'll make sure that the mayor is safe and those dastardly degenerate dogs are put back in their pens... and without a soup bone to gnaw on." Mare-Do-Well hung up the phone. "Come, Sparrow... to the Do-Well-Mobile!" The two of them raced over to a car (which looked strangely like an overly-large scooter) and were soon rocketing out of the Do-Well Cave and into the city. "Supermare could have this settled in 10 seconds." "Spi... I mean, Rickity... just because Supermare has powers doesn't mean she's better." "...yes it does. Be quiet, Coral!" “You should really listen to your dad, Coral.” "I am remembering this for when all the crazy is over. You do know that, right?" "Worth it, Coral... worth it." At the Ponytham City Hall Mayor Blathers strained against the ropes that held him tight to the chair in the center of the room. "You'll never get away with this!" "Mmmmmmm," the master thief Cattity purred, "you would be purrrrfectly wrong there, Mr. Mayor." She was dressed in a black catsuit (of course) and a domino mask. "Wak wak wak!" the Puffin cackled. The short, fat pony was dressed in his favorite tux with tails; a monocle perched in front of his eye. "I'm afraid you wouldn't be getting out of this!" "I suggest you chill," Snowday, the arctic-themed villain, proclaimed, placing his icy horn against the mayor's temple. "Or I'll give you quite the brain freeze." "That would be rather cold of you, Snowday!" Mare-Do-Well declared as she burst into the room, Sparrow striking a pose beside her. "Mare-Do-Well and Sparrow!" Puffin cried out. “Mare-Do-Well and Sparrow!” Catity exclaimed. “I told you to lock that door,” Snowday muttered. "Holy team-up, Mare-Do-Well!" Sparrow cried out. "Look at this lineup!" "I see it, Sparrow," Mare-Do-Well said. "It is a who's who of our most deadly rogues. The Puffin-" "wak wak wak! Birds of a feather and all that, Mare-Dolt-Well!" "Catity." "Oh, come now, darling," Catity said, slinking towards the hero. "I'm sure we can-" "Catity, I finished the juice box you gave me!" Sweetie Kitty called out, walking out from where she'd been sitting working on her coloring book. She, like her sister, was dressed in a black catsuit. "Can I have a snack?" "Fine, but try not to spoil your appetite." Catity gave her some change for the vending machine and gave her a gentle push away. When the two heroes stared at her she merely shrugged. "Our parents are on vacation." Mare-Do-Well merely stared at Catity for a moment before continuing. "Snowday." "It will be a cold day in hell before you defeat us!" the villain who wore a fishbowl on his head declared (why he wore it no one knew, since there was a hole for his horn to stick out of). "The Stumper," Mare-Do-Well said, focusing on a green stallion with a question mark cutie mark. Twirling his cane the unicorn said, "I'll stump you with this! How is a raven like a writing desk?" "Twilight likes to smash her head against both?" "Shut it, Rickety." "And the most dastardly of all," Mare-Do-Well said coldly, "Mr. Mime." "Mime, mime!" the Pokémon declared. "Holy Master Balls, Mare-Do-Well!" Sparrow declared. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Indeed, old chum!" Mare-Do-Well stated. "We've trained to be the greatest detectives of all time; sharpening our wits so that we might be able to reason out and deduce the greatest mysteries and stop the most cunning crimes of our time. We also have a vast array of gadgets and devices at our disposal to assist us in countering the cowardly criminals that convene to commit cunning crimes!" Mare-Do-Well took a step forward. "So naturally we're going to beat you all up with our hooves." "Wait, what?" "Wait, what?" the Stumper said seconds before Mare-Do-Well's hoof slammed into his temple. POW! "What's black and white and red all over?" Mare-Do-Well said as she bucked the question-asking stallion. "You." "Bye bye birdie!" Sparrow declared, grabbing a hold of Puffin's head. "I think I'd like to surrender now!" the villain whimpered. BLAM! "Hurt kitty, aching kitty, little ball of pain!" Mare-Do-Well declared, grabbing a chair and slamming it over Catity's head. CRACK! "Gotta beat'em all!" Sparrow said as she threw Mr. Mime through a window. CRASH! "You'll need to ice down your injuries when I'm done with you!" Mare-Do-Well declared. Snowday frowned. "Hey, that isn't a pun! That's just you-" REAGANOMICS! "Well done, old chum," Mare-Do-Well told Sparrow as they looked over the bruised and beaten bad guys. "Holy hospital stay, Mare-Do-Well! They never stood a chance!" Sparrow hurried over to Mayor Blather and untied him. "Are you okay, sir?" "Oh yes... better than you!" "What?" Sparrow said just as the Mayor sprayed her and mare-Do-Well with a strange mist from a spray bottle he'd tucked away. "Holy... Holy... ugh." "Ooompf," Mare-Do-Well groaned as she passed out. WHY HAS THE MAYOR DONE THIS? WILL THE CAPED CRUSADER AND THE FILLY WONDER ESCAPE THIS DOUBLE CROSS? FIND OUT NEXT TIME... SAME DO-WELL TIME, SAME DO-WELL CHANNEL "Wait, what is that?" ~MC~MC~MC~ "What is what?" Featherweight asked. Twilight frowned. "Does... does your theory come in parts?" "Yeah!" Featherweight said happily. "You'll have to come back next week to hear the thrilling conclusion." "We will so do that!" Twilight said, her voice a touch overly bright and bubble as she hurried past Featherweight. Spike frowned. "Are we really?" "Buck no," Twilight said sternly. "Thought so."
