No, Pinkie, You Don't Actually "Eat Carpet"

by Azurala

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Sex, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Spitfire
Length: 1191

Pinkie doesn't know what "eating carpet" means. Hilarity ensues.

There's no escaping a determined Pinkie Pie, as Spitfire and Rainbow Dash find while trying to procure some "alone time". Meanwhile, the party pony reveals some startling cupcake flavors to Ponyville.

Coauthored with Noir de Plume~

Published 2015-04-08 19:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-08 19:30:02 UTC

Eating Carpet

Author's Note

Coauthored with Noir de Plume.

Sexual innuendo galore.

Eating Carpet

Open training day for the Wonderbolts had come to an end. Pleasantly exhausted, Rainbow had decided to head to the day spa for some post show-off pampering. None of that filly frilly froo-froo stuff, but a real rub down: work out those kinks in her wings. She could almost feel the hooves on her muscles when a familiar orange and yellow mane caught her eye. Spitfire sidled up to the athletic pegasus and winked.

"You got skills, girl! Would sure love to 'taste that rainbow.'" She drawled seductively, eyeing Dashie's plot.

Pinke, who had been watching the festivities, and was also apparently close enough to the pegasi to hear, boing-ed over to them in patented excited gait. "Ooh! Ooh! Me first, me first!"

Before Rainbow's brain had a chance to even process Spitfire's comment and blush, the pink mare had given her tail a long, slobbery lick from tip to base. The jaws of all mares present dropped... Two for one reason, Pinkie's for an entirely different one.

"Bleh!" Pinkie scrubbed at her tongue with her hooves. "It just tastes like hair!" After a minute of slobbering everywhere to clear her mouth, Pinkie glanced back up at the Wonderbolt, her eyes wide with child-like curiosity. "Why would anypony ever want to taste that rainbow!?"

Spitfire stared for a second, dumbfounded. "Do you honestly think that's what I--"

"Well, anyways!" Pinkie interrupted jarringly in a high-pitched squeal. "Dashie, I need you to come and taste test some new recipes for me!"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and turned back to the other pegasi. "Yeah, yeah. Sure. Maybe later, Pinkie. The grown-ups have stuff to do. Now," she grinned, "what was that you were saying, 'Fire?"

"Is she for real?" Spitfire queried, eyeing Dash over her sunglasses. Rainbow blushed furiously over her friend's antics, as Pinkie had chosen this particular moment to engage in a staring contest with a box planter.

"Yeah, she's... 'Special'."

"Hey!" Pinkie bounded back into the conversation. "I heard the quotation marks around that!"

Both fliers ignored her, turning away together and taking off towards Cloudsdale.

"So..." Dashie stirred a hoof in the cloud the two were lying on, cocking an eyebrow. "Where were we?"

"I think I was about to... go downtown?" Spitfire offered, flicking her tongue out in emphasis.

Rainbow blushed for the umpteenth time that day. "Not if I take you there first. Winner eats carpet!"

Both fillies pounced on each other, rolling over and over on the cloud in a fight for top. Spitfire had finally pinned the rainbow-maned pegasus. She leaned down and nipped Dashie's ear. Rainbow squirmed with pleasure, her tail twitching in delight, her left wing sproing-ing out with a feather pop.

"Let's see if that carpet matches the drapes," Spitfire whispered huskily.

A screechy, unholy voice assaulted the pairs' ears. Spitfire flattened hers against her head. Dashie's wing deflated.

"So I heard you say you were going to eat her carpet, but that doesn't make any sense! Who eats carpet, anyways? Does it taste good? I've never tried it! Maybe I'll try the Cake's carpet when I get back, or--" The rush of words came like a flood of water from a broken dam.

"Pinkie!" Rainbow all but screamed from where she lay against the fluffy surface. "Would you just go away? We're kind of in the middle of something!"

Pinkie, one leg wrapped around the balloon that was keeping her afloat and the other holding a basket of brownies, looked the two mares up and down. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Are you guys wrestling? I wanna wrestle! Can I wrestle with you--"

Growling, Spitfire popped the balloon with the point of her hoof. "Beat it, scrubmare."

Hanging in the air for a moment, Pinkie waved goodbye to the fillies. "Okey dokey lokey! See you guys lateeerrrrrrrr!" She announced, the last word stretching as she started to fall back to Equestria.

"Do you think she'll be ok?" Dashie asked, biting a hoof nervously.

"I think she'll be fine." Spitfire said dismissively. "Now keep biting that hoof, girl." With a smirk, the older pegasus ducked down beneath Rainbow's spread back legs. Before she could even get one good lick in, the voice was back again. She facehoofed. Hard.

"So, I thought about what-" Pinkie fell back down, reappearing a moment later thanks to her miraculously spawned spring shoes, "you guys said and" - "what if I made" - "rainbow flavored cupackes?" - "I mean, they" - "would kinda taste like" - "hair, but if you think" - "it would taste good" - "maybe they'll sell!"

After the last words, Pinkie was seemingly gone for longer this time, and Rainbow glanced back at Spitfire, who had hooves holding her legs apart. "Think she's gone?"

"Celestia, I hope so! Let's do this thing!" She lowered her head. Rainbow could feel the hot, moist breath from Spitfire's muzzle on her inner thighs. She bit her lip and held in a moan.

"Sorry, had to get my scissors!"

Rainbow screamed inside. Spitfire's head snapped up and glared dagger eyes at Pinkie, who was back with another balloon, floating next to the cloud again. Before either could react, she grabbed Rainbow's tail in her mouth and snipped off the end. "Got it!" She mumbled around the mouthful of tail before cutting the string of her balloon and falling away again.

"What the buck!?" Rainbow scrabbled for her tail, but Spitfire pushed her back down with a hoof to the chest.

"Worry about it later, Dashie. She got what she wanted, she's gone. It's just you and me, now." 'Fire grinned, finally sinking down to taste that rainbow.

"Taste the rainbow, get your rainbow cupcakes here!" Pinkie exclaimed, waving a rainbow colored flag and tossing magnificently colored cupcakes at anypony passing by. Out of the party pony's view, around the back of the Cake's shop, ponies were filling the trash bins with cupcakes that had a bite taken out of them. Copious amounts of bile, too.

Rainbow stalked up to the party pony, Spitfire close behind, looking satisfied and eager to watch the coming scene. "Pinkie!" Dashie fumed. "You cut my tail! Do you have any idea how that bucks with my aerodynamics?!"

"Oooh, sorry! But I needed some hair to make these cupcakes! I haven't eaten one because I don't like the rainbow flavor, but you should try one!" She shoved one into Rainbow Dash's open mouth with a big, toothy grin.

Gagging at the taste of hairy cupcake, Rainbow spit the confection onto the grass, trying her best not to hurl. "Pinkie--" she coughed a few times, "ponies can't eat hair!"

"Oh." Pinkie looked dejected for just a moment before lighting up again. "Well, good thing I made some yummy carpet cupcakes, too, for all the ponies who like eating carpet!"

Silence fell like a lead blanket. The ponies gathered around Sugarcube Corner gaped at the party pony. Pinkie blinked innocently.

"What? I thought it was strange, too, but upholstery flavored confections are really up and coming!" She grinned. "Spitfire loved Dashie's!"