Seriously, why don't they?
“And Princess Mercury begot Princess Copper, and Princess Copper begot Princess Goldeneye, and….”
Zeke Daniels, the first and only human in Equestria, put down his copy of Equestrian Genealogies, marking his page with a leaf. he leaned against the oak tree shading him from the midday sun. “They say that every book’s a journey...” He mused. If that was the case, then this book was a brutal slog through a boggy marsh...on his hands... while completely naked. The text was written in an archaic form of Equish that took at least two tries to decipher, and another three to actually understand.
Still, he wasn’t going to give up on it just yet. Zeke reopened the book and resumed reading. His mother hadn’t raised a quitter, no siree! If he was going to live in this land of magical talking ponies, he needed to know this stuff.
At least, that’s what the local librarian had told him.
-
Half a year ago, Zeke had been just an ordinary guy with an ordinary job living in an ordinary house. Not an exciting life, but not a boring one either. It was just a life.
That was before some one-in-a trillion cosmic fluke ripped him from his home and dropped him in a land of talking pastel horses. Specifically, the bathtub of one of those talking pastel horses. That had been... awkward.
It hadn’t been easy adapting to life in this fever dream of a world. Aside from the immense culture shock and the many mental and physical differences between him and the locals, taking them seriously had been almost impossible. It was very hard to have a serious conversation with a creature that looked like a child’s toy and had a name that sounded like a brand of laundry detergent.
Thankfully, there was one person, no, one pony who had his back.
-
As Zeke read, Zeke whipped his head around like a dog who just heard the can opener. Odd. For a second, he could have sworn that he had heard a loud flapping, like a large bird touching down in the grass.
He shrugged. The book must have been more boring than he thought. He returned to his grueling literary slog.
A few seconds later, he heard the rustling of dry grass, followed by soft hoofsteps.
Zeke frowned. “Hello?” He called. “Is somepony there?”
The hoofsteps grew closer. He heard a soft giggle somewhere behind him.
The hair on the back of Zeke's head sprang at attention.
“Ok, whoever’s there, you’ve had your fun. Show yourself!”
He felt something warm on the back of his neck. “Boo!”
“GYAH!” Zeke shot skywards like a hyperactive rocket, grabbing onto a tree branch. He heard laughter from an unseen source. Very familiar laughter.
“Not funny, Celestia!” Zeke growled, holding onto the tree branch as if he were trying to strangle it.
Four horseshoe-shaped dents appeared in the grass. There was a pop and a flash of light, followed by the stink of ozone, before a large, horse-like creature materialized below him.
“Sorry.” She said, wiping away a mirthful tear with a snow-white wing. “I couldn’t resist.”
Zeke relaxed a little and smiled. There were three major physical laws in Equestria:
Number one: Matter can not be created nor destroyed.
Number two: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Number three: it is not possible to stay mad at Princess Celestia.
How could he? When he was dealing with the loss of everything he’d ever known, she’d been the shoulder for him to cry on. When some facet of Pony society made him want to pull his hair out, she’d been a guide. When somepony threatened or belittled him, she was a guardian. In short, she was the best friend he’d ever had.
The fact that she had the power of life and death over the entire planet didn’t hurt.
“Good to see ya, Sunbutt.” Zeke wrapped his arms around the alicorn’s swan-like neck. “What brings you here?” He flexed an arm. “Couldn’t get enough of my alien physique?”
“You wish.” Celestia smirked and put a hoof on his shoulder. “No, I just wanted to see how my favorite human was adapting.”
“Couldn’t ya have just sent me a letter?” Zeke said. “Woulda saved ‘ya a lot of time.”
“Yes, but I couldn’t exactly scare you with a letter, now could I?”
“Course you could.” Zeke grinned. Just include a picture of Blueblood in a bathing suit. That’d keep Luna busy for weeks.”
The two laughed and sat down at the base of the tree. Celestia curled up beside him, looking more feline than equine. “So, how are you doing, Zeke?” Celestia said, giving her human friend a nuzzle. Ponies were a very tactile race- very fond of hugs and nuzzles. So much so he was convinced they were actually part cat. “Have my subjects been treating you well?”
“Sure. Everyone, I mean everypony’s, treating me just fine.” Zeke said.
“That’s good.” Celestia said with a smile. “It’s good to see that my little ponies have learned not to judge.”
More than I can say for those snobs back in Canterlot. When he’d first arrived in Equestria, a lot of the higher ups in Canterlot society had petitioned both Princesses to expel him from the land. They’d called him a danger, a “barbaric ape” that had no place in Equestrian society. Of course, Celestia, and her sister, Luna, wouldn’t stand for it.
Sometimes he wondered why Celestia kept them around.
“So, Celestia, how are things going back in Canterlot? Nobles still giving you trouble?”
Celestia snorted “You have no idea.”
For a while, the two talked about the various alliances and backstabbings that were Canterlotian politics. Over time, it mutated into a conversation on a few social welfare programs Luna had proposed- which many in the Senate opposed.
As they talked, Zeke couldn’t help but look over the Princess, like a museum patron looking over a sculpture. For a sapient horse that resembled a child’s toy, the princess was quite a good conversationalist...and, as reluctant as he was to admit it, surprisingly beautiful. Those liquid, doe-like eyes, that lithe figure, and a graceful neck.
Speaking of princesses.
“Hey, Celestia.”
Celestia turned to him. “Yes?”
“Can I ask you something’ a little...silly?”
“As Starswirl once said, the only silly question is the one you didn’t ask.”
Smart guy. “Well, I’ve been wondering, why don’t you have any queens?”
-
For a seond, Celestia just stood there, head tilted. Zeke wondered if he’d somehow offended her. “That’s a very good question, Zeke” Celestia tilted her head. “Why do you ask?”
“Well.” Zeke motioned to the book. “I’ve been reading up on Equestrian genealogies.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Zeke said. “Anyway, From what I’ve read, a lot of the other races have the same system- Diamond Dogs, the Griffons, and even the Deer. Everyone except the ponies has a queen or a king of some kind. Why?”
Celestia took a deep breath. “It’s a rather long story.
Zeke shrugged.“I’m reading a two thousand page book. I can handle a long story.”
Very well. But on one condition"Celestia flipped herself over. "Give me one of your famous belly rubs.”
“Gladly” Zeke placed his hands against Celestia’s silky belly and started kneading it like soft dough. The Princess closed her eyes and moaned, rubbing her head against his chest like a friendly cat. Celestia purred as his hands massaged her sensitive underside.
Once he decided that the Princess’ belly had been sufficiently rubbed, Zeke removed his hands. Celestia righted herself.
“All right, now to keep my end of the bargain.” Celestia cleared her throat.
“Long back when, the rulers of Equestrian race claimed that their gods or goddesses had given them power over every living thing. The Diamond Dogs had their Gem Lords, the Griffons their Emperors and Empresses, and so on.
“Ponies didn’t think that way. The Earth ponies may have been masters of the land, but they were at the mercy of the weather. The pegasi could decide when the rains fell, but the sun and the moon were beyond their control. And the unicorns could tell the sun to rise and set…”
“...But they couldn’t grow their own food.”
Celestia nodded. “Exactly. The tribes believed that no mortal, no matter how powerful, could truly rule over everything. At the most, they could become the gods’ second in command- the link between the heavens and the Earth.”
“The title of Queen and King were reserved for the gods, and oh did the tribes have a lot of them. The Earth Ponies prayed to the King of the Earth when they farmed, the Pegasi offered burnt offerings to their Sky Queen every full moon, and the unicorns, in typical fashion, believed that their One Queen had personally blessed their ancestors with horns.”
Interesting.” Zeke thought for a second. “But if that’s the case, where are all the temples, the churches?”
“You can blame my sister and I for that.” Celestia said. “After the Unification, when Luna and I finally revealed ourselves to the tribes, the old religions died out almost overnight. Instead, ponies started worshiping us.” Celestia sighed. “It was a...chaotic time.”
“Define ‘chaotic’”.
Celestia paused for a minute. “Imagine that every time you went to town, ponies dropped everything, threw themselves on the ground and mumbled prayers to you. Imagine that every time you entered a building, everypony inside acted as though you were moments away from vaporizing them.”
“Yikes.”
“Tell me about it.” Celestia said. “Of course, when we offered to become the new rulers of Equestria, everypony wanted us to be the first Queens of Equestria-- Goddesses made flesh.”
“Of course, you didn’t want that.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Do you always have to finish my sentences?”
Zeke shrugged. “Sorry. It’s kind of a habit.”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Rudeness aside, you’re right, we didn’t want to be worshiped. We’d seen what happened when religion and politics mixed. The persecutions of ‘infidels’ and ‘heretics’, bloody wars of faith…”
“Basically, it’d all go to Tartarus.”
Celestia nodded. “ But,” She held up a forehoof. “We also didn’t want to leave the new country without a leader.” Celestia shooed a butterfly off of her nose, then continued. “To us, the tribes were like children. They were full of potential but vulnerable. Without our guidance, their new found friendship wouldn’t last, and their nation would fall.
“So we compromised. After much negotiating- which may or may not have included a few slaps to the face- the tribal leaders and us came to a decision. We would rule over them, but as guardians, not gods. To drive the point home, we adopted the unicorn title of Princess.”
“And the rest is history?” Zeke said.
“Pretty much.” Celestia sighed. “Unfortunately, not everypony remembers why we didn’t want to be worshipped. In fact, some of them are still convinced that my sister and I are true Goddesses”
“I know.” Zeke said. “ Met some of the shmucks a few days ago. Called me ’ The Goddesses companion’.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “There are Queen Cultists in Ponyville?”
“A few. They hang out in the middle of town square, preaching about how it’s only a matter of time before you ‘drop your facade of normality and reveal your true natures’ or some other crap-I mean stuff like that.” Zeke sighed. “Have you tried talking to those idiots?”
“I wish that you wouldn’t call my ponies idiots, but yes, I have tried talking to them.” Celestia said. She snorted. “I tell them again and again that my sister and I are not divine, but they never listen! ‘Only the gods deny their godhood’, they say.”
Celestia closed her eyes. “Even those ponies that don’t believe I’m a goddess treat me like one. Whenever I’m around, everything stops. Ponies throw themselves over puddles so I can walk over them. They offer me free food and drink. I just want them to relax and be themselves around me, but so few of them are.”
Celestia gave Zeke a friendly nuzzle. “I guess that’s why I like spending time with you, Zeke.”
“You mean it wasn’t my devilish good looks?”
Celestia laughed. “That. That is exactly why I like being with you. You joke with me, you tease me, you laugh with me. When I’m with you, I’m not Celestia, Almighty Princess of the Sun.” Celestia put her head in Zeke’s lap. “I’m just Celestia.”
A gentle warmth built up in Zeke’s stomach. It was either affection or indigestion, Zeke couldn’t tell. “And that’s all I want you to be, my cute little pony.” Zeke froze. A lead weight dropped in his stomach. I am so dead.
Celestia giggled. “Oh my.” She blushed. She leaned her head to his blushing face. “ You think I’m cute?”
Zeke nodded meekly, feeling like a kid caught looking at an adult magazine
“Well, I...I’m flattered, Zeke.” Her composure relaxed. “To tell the truth, I think you’re kind of cute yourself.”
Zeke’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. “WHAT?!”
Before Zeke’s brain could reset, Celestia pressed her muzzle against Zeke and kissed him on the cheek. Every circuit in his brain fried. He twitched as though someone had jammed a live power cable into his spine.
A little wisp of sparkling green smoke drifted over to Celestia like a friendly spirit, then materialized into a scroll.
“Sorry, I need to see to this.” Celestia studied the scroll and groaned. “Darn. It looks like I’m needed back in Canterlot.”
Celestia stood up and brushed a bit of dirt out of her coat.“Farewell for now, my little human.” She said with a smile. With that, the alicorn pumped her wings and took off into the sky, shrinking into a tiny white speck.
Zeke just sat there, stunned beyond words. He pressed a hand to the cheek Celestia had kissed, then held it in front of his face.
Was I just kissed by a talking horse?!
Author's Note
What do you think?
