The Worst Clopfic Ever

by Noir de Plume

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Sex
Length: 1638

Just because you CAN write does not mean you should...

(Rated "Mature" for content discussion rather than the actual act itself.
TL;DR They don't do it.)

Books. Oh my Celestia, Twilight loves books. History. Math. Science. Poetry. Adventure. Horror. Sci-fi. But there's one genre she just can't quite put her hoof on.

So, what better way to understand the strange creature that is erotic fiction than to immerse herself in the art of penning it?

And who better to proofread her foray into mental foreplay than her lovely sister-in-law, the Princess of Love herself?

(Many thanks to CaptainBron3y for this live reading!)

Published 2015-04-10 13:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-10 13:00:01 UTC

The Worst Clopfic Ever

"Twily?" Cadance landed softly on the Friendship Princess' balcony, folding her delicate wings. "Twily, I'm here!" she called, trotting through the gauze curtains and into the throne room. It was empty. Cadance raised an eyebrow. "Twilight?"

"In here!"

Cadance followed the sound of Twilight's voice down the winding palace hall to the library. The Princess of Love smiled warmly at her sister-in-law, who was curled in front of a gently flickering fire.

"Sorry I couldn't come sooner. Royal duties and all," Cadance offered with a sigh, tossing her mane. Twilight returned the smile.

"It's ok. I completely understand. I'm sure Shining appreciates your dedication."

Cadance winked. "Oh, he's one of those duties, dear."

Twilight tilted her head and blinked. Cadance waved a hoof.

"Nevermind, hun." She folded her legs and rested across from Twilight on the rug. "What was it you wanted to show me?"

Twilight sprang up with an excited noise, hooves scrambling on the floor as her wings fluttered.

"I knew you were the perfect pony to be the first," she gushed, her magic gathering a stack of papers from a nearby desk. An inkwell dangled dangerously on the edge, and Cadance sent her aura to steady it against Twilight's exuberance. "I've come across a particular type of fiction that I find most interesting, but also lacking in accuracy. I wanted to see what you thought."

"Me?" Cadance asked as Twilight plopped the papers before her. Twilight nodded, grinning.

"Yes! It's the final draft - I've done all the editing I can possibly do on my own. I need a new pair of eyes."

"Oh," Cadance replied, looking down. "What is it?" she asked, shuffling the papers. Twilight beamed.

"Erotica."

Cadance made a choking sound.

"What?"

Twilight blinked. "Erotica, defined as literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire-"

"I know what erotica is, Twily," Cadance interrupted, waving a hoof. "But, I mean, Twilight..." The pink alicorn looked at the smiling purple princess with all seriousness. "Have you ever even had sex?"

"Of course not!" Twilight laughed, blushing. "Though I seriously doubt any of the other ponies who wrote what I've read have, either, judging by the way they describe it!"

Cadance pressed a hoof to her forehead. Twilight shifted excitedly from hoof to hoof.

"Read it!" she encouraged. Cadance sighed, looking down at the title page.

" 'Dusky Dazzle and the Laboratory of Lust'," she read aloud. Twilight squee-ed. Cadance lifted an eyebrow, but continued to read.

Dusky was certain Experiment One was a failure. The recombinant DNA had not bound to the natural nuclei as hoped, and the subject's electrical patterns were unimpressive. They indicated consciousness, but only at a base level. Higher thought was unlikely.

"Is this about tentacle sex?" Cadance asked. Twilight sighed.

"Just read it!"

The lilac alicorn's eyes began to burn from overuse.

"Dusky Dazzle? Lilac alicorn? Twily, is the scientist you?" Cadance demanded. Twilight blushed furiously and plopped down solidly on her rump.

"I'm lavender. And you aren't even giving it a chance!" she admonished. Cadance resisted an un-princessly eye-roll. She read in silence for several minutes, Twilight watching her every movement like a hawk watches a rabbit.

"Twilight..." Cadance said after a while.

"Yes?" she said, wings and ears alert. The Love Princess pursed her lips, as if choosing her words carefully.

"Am I reading the phrase 'pulsating reproductive organ' as a reference to the stallion creature's cock?"

"Cock? That's slang, and hardly as scientifically accurate. It could be confused for a rooster." Twilight laughed. "How silly would that be, a farm animal in the middle of a steamy science sex scene?"

"Silly. Right..." Cadance returned her eyes to the story.

"Do you like how he carefully folds her lab coat so she doesn't have to worry about replacing it if it gets torn or dirty?" Twilight interrupted.

"Yes, quite thoughtful for a recombinant DNA stallion beast that's about to ravage her," Cadance said, not looking up. "Very in the moment."

The sarcasm went right over Twily's head.

"Oh..." Cadance's face fell. Twilight blinked.

"Cadance?"

"Oh my Celestia..." Cadance murmured.

"What's wrong?" Twilight pressed, lowering her ears.

"Twily...?" Cadance's tone was full of concern. Concern, and something between disgust and horror. She motioned with her hoof, and Twilight came to her side. The pink alicorn pointed to the page she was on. "We are going to talk about everything that is wrong with this sentence."

The penetration was facilitated by how generously lubricated her birth canal had become.

Twilight blinked again. "Wrong? I don't see anything wrong. It's completely accurate... Oh, maybe the adverb could come out...?"

Cadance pressed her hoof to her forehead again, taking a deep breath.

"Twilight, dearest..."

Twilight's ears fell flat against her head.

"My description of the sexual act didn't give your reproductive regions a warm, tingling feeling, did it?" she asked forlornly. Cadance shook her head sadly.

"The exact opposite. I'm drier than Saddle Arabia." She sighed and leaned forward, nuzzling Twilight gently. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but the only thing this story is good for is abstinence education," she replied. Twilight let her head drop.

"I don't understand!" the Friendship Princess said with a sob. "Everything was scientifically accurate! The terms, the techniques! I even included the four phases of the sexual response cycle! I mean, I didn't spend much time on plateau, but I thought excitement and orgasm were the most interesting ones! What did I not get right?"

Cadance placed a wing around her sniffling sister-in-law and pulled her close.

"The emotions," she said gently. "Sometimes ponies use words that might not be perfect or right because they sound better or make a certain feeling happen. Romance and love aren't clinical."

"I did so much reseaaaaaaaaaaaaaarch!" the purple alicorn wailed, her eyes welling with tears. Cadance sighed, looking from the stack of papers to Twilight and back again. Twilight covered her face with her wings and began to cry.

"Hey..." Cadance began, nudging her despondent sibling-by-marriage. With her magic, she picked up a nearby quill and dipped it in the inkwell. "Tell you what, Twily."

Twilight sniffled and peeked from between her primary feathers. "W-what?"

Cadance smiled. "I'll help you fix it."

"Really...? You'd do that? For me?" Twilight asked, eyes large and limpid.

Cadance nodded, waggling the quill. "Anything for my sunshine sunshine ladybug awake," she replied. "Now, let's see..." She bent over the papers with the dripping quill and began to write furiously. "We'll change this part here and that word there... Oh goodness, this phrase absolutely must go... This, and this..."

Twilight watched eagerly for over an hour as Cadance marked and scribbled across her manuscript of lust. After what seemed like forever, Cadance nodded, her pink cheek smeared with ink, and grinned.

"Done!" she announced. Twilight wriggled her plot excitedly, swishing her tail.

"Let me see! Let me see!" she exclaimed. Cadance, glowing with pride, moved from her spot on the floor, allowing Twilight to assume the position. "I'm so excited to see what you... Uh... Cadance...?"

"Hmmm?" Cadance replied.

Twilight pointed with her hoof to the page. "This part here..."

Still dripping with the fluids from his containment tank, Experiment One pressed himself against Dusky from behind. She sensed his pure animal need, and the heat of his arousal combined with the cooling fluid on her lab coat gave her chills.

"The nanobots that were swimming in the fluid were carrying the DNA. They'd be all over her trying to force themselves into her cells and reprogram her nuclei! That's dangerous!"

"Forget the science, Twilight, just for a moment," Cadance said. Twilight frowned. Cadance smiled encouragingly. "You're Dusky... All alone in that dark lonely lab... This strong, base beast behind you. He just wants one thing..." Her voice dropped to a husky whisper. Twily felt a shiver go down her spine. Cadance saw it in her eyes and nodded.

"So then... This part here..." Twilight continued.

Experiment One's hooves were like steel, and they pinned Dusky's wings to the table. She could have resisted him with her magic, could have forced him off of her with her hind legs, but something in his eyes needed her... As much as she needed him.

"It's not... About force? It's about connection..." she finished, her tone amazed. Cadance nodded in approval.

"Exactly."

Twilight's wing pompf'd. She blinked, blushing. "Oh, goodness. I'm sorry, I-"

Cadance laughed daintily. "It's quite alright, Twily. It means you got it."

Twilight hopped to her feet and wrapped her forelegs around Cadance's neck. "You saved my story!"

"Now burn it."

Twilight blinked. "What?"

Cadance met her eyes, stern and serious. "Burn it right now, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight's face fell. "B-but... We worked so hard on it!"

Cadance shook her head. "With great power comes great responsibility, Twily... and right now, I don't trust you alone with your own hoof and imagination."

"My own hoof?" Twilight blinked. Cadance shook her head.

"Nevermind. Just gather this up and-"

A loud *THUD!* sounded from somewhere outside the library. Cadance stood up straight.

"What was that? Was that the door?"

"Oh! I bet that's Shining!" Twilight answered brightly.

"What?" Cadance squawked. Twilight fluttered her wings happily.

"Yes! I asked him to come after his special training rounds tonight with the guards in Canterlot! He always proofread my work while I was in school, so I thought it would be wonderful to have him look over what you helped me with today!"

Cadance's horn exploded in a display of light and glimmer, engulfing the papers with her light blue aura. Twilight watched in horror as the sheets soared into the fire one by one, the edges blackened and curling.

With a pout, Twilight watched as her career in erotica ended as all good writers' should - in passionate flames.