Chapters Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
Joy, the kind of feeling that a man like Tywin Lannister has never felt in his life. A feeling that had died inside of him when a certain dwarf was born. But on this night, Tywin Lannister had finally regained some bit of joy in his life. For in the next morning, that same dwarf which had deprived him of his joy shall be executed in front of the millions for the murder of a king. And none of this would be possible if it hadn't been for The Mountain crushing the head of The Red Viper in the trial by combat, and the whore who was sleeping right next to him.
Ah yes, it was the whore who deserved most of the credit. For if Tywin's own daugther hadn't bribed her to testify against the dwarf in the first place, he never would've sealed his own fate by demanding a trial by combat. And for keeping her end of the bargain, Tywin felt that she deserved a special reward for helping him regain some bit of his joy. For as everyone in The Seven Kingdoms knows: "A Lannister always pays his debts."
The dwarf might've looked upon her with great pleasure, but Tywin however didn't seem to feel anything as he looked upon her. She could never be as good as Joanna . No woman could . Indeed, there was no other woman in Westeros like Joanna. She was practically the only one who could've made Tywin Lannister smile. But that part of Tywin would soon die away with her.
After repaying his debt to the whore, Tywin slipped on a robe and decided to take a quick trip to the privy. As he got out of bed, he walked past his clothes and took a short glimpse of the golden badge that was pinned on it. They don't just make anybody Hand of the King after all; Tywin Lannister had always taken pride in that honor--even if he had to serve a madman, and an inbred bastard.
As he finally sat himself down upon the toilet, he closed his eyes and could already see Ser Ilyn Payne chopping off the head of the dwarf who was responsible for depriving him of Joanna. He also started to hear the voice of his daughter, as she was telling him her and her brother's secret. It was then that he started to see the two of them performing the most indecent thing imaginable. Your legacy is a lie . Not wanting to think anymore of this, Tywin opened his eyes and was prepared to go back to his bedchamber. But as he was about to get up, the door had slowly opened, and there stood the dwarf with the crossbow that stood hanging on the walls of his bedchamber. Any other man would usually shit themselves when a person holds a crossbow in front of them; but not Tywin Lannister. Throughout his experience, he knows that you should never let your opponents know what you're actually thinking.
After receiving a mocking half bow and a "My lord," that seemed to have been made of steel, Tywin kept a straight face as he spoke to the dwarf. "Tyrion, who released you from your cell?"
"I'd love to tell you, but I swore a holy oath."
The little imp always did love to flaunt his wit through japes, but the sound of his tone suggested that it wasn't out of amusement. Even if it were the case, Tywin didn't care. "The eunuch, I'll have his head for this. Is that my crossbow? Put it down."
"Will you punish me if I refuse, Father?"
So it's finally happened . All of his life, he knew that the dwarf would one day get back at him for always treating him like shit. He just didn't knew that it would be inside a privy. Seeing as how his life is on the line, Tywin attempted to maybe reason with the dwarf into sparing him. "This escape is folly. You're not to be killed, if that's what you fear. It's still my intent to send you to the Wall, but I couldn't do it without Lord Tyrell's consent. Put down the crossbow and we'll go back to my chambers and talk of it."
Tywin tried to rise up, but it only took one quick gesture with the crossbow to make him sit back down. "We can talk here just as well. Perhaps I don't choose to go to the Wall, Father. It's bloody cold up there, and I believe I've had enough coldness from you. So just tell me something, and I'll be on my way. One simple question, you owe me that much."
Tywin took the Imp's request as if it were an intended stab to his own pride. "I owe you nothing."
"You've given me less than that, all my life, but you'll give me this. What did you do with Tysha?"
"Tysha?"
"The girl I married."
Tywin had suddenly received recollection of punishing some crofter's daughter for the crime of marrying a Lannister. "Oh, yes. Your first whore."
If his intention was to anger the dwarf, the sight of him aiming his crossbow at his chest was all Tywin needed. "The next time you say that word, I'll kill you."
"You don't have the courage." After all the times you've spent trying to earn mine and the entire realms' love and respect, you would never prove myself right .
"Shall we find out? It's a short word, and it seems to come so easily to your lips." Tywin could see the Imp's stubby finger caress the trigger ever-so tenderly, incase he says the one word that could cost him his life. "Tysha. What did you do with her, after my little lesson?"
"I don't recall."
The dwarf raised the crossbow up higher so that Tywin wouldn't forget it was there. "Try harder. Did you have her killed?"
What do you know, even my own son thinks I'm bloodthirsty . Seeing the agitated look on the Imp's distorted face, Tywin decided to be generous with him for once. "There was no reason for that, she had learned her place...and had been well paid for her day's work, I seem to recall. I suppose the steward sent her on her way. I never thought to inquire."
"On her way where?"
So convinced that the dwarf couldn't bare to be a kinslayer for all his miserable life, Tywin inched his head forward and give him an answer that could cut him worse than the slash his face received at the Blackwater. "Wherever whores go." Tywin was suddenly pushed back against the wall with a strong force! He could feel a great pain somewhere in his groan; he looked down, and to his complete surprise, he found an arrow lunged into his gut! "You shot me!"
"You always were quick to grasp a situation, my lord," the Imp mockfully praised his dying father while he loaded the final bolt that would take Tywin to the Seven Hells. "That must be why you're the Hand of the King."
Feeling all of his blood drain from his body, Tywin gave the dwarf his last words. "You...you are no...no son of mine."
"Now that's where you're wrong, Father. Why, I believe I'm you writ small. Do me a kindness now, and die quickly. I have a ship to catch." Tywin had felt another great force within his heart, and then he had suddenly ran out of life.
Everything started off as a blur at first, but Tywin had soon found himself standing upon the center of a seven-pointed star. He looked up and saw that he was surrounded by The Seven themselves. The Father: the god of justice. The Mother: the goddess of motherhood and nurturing. The Warrior: the god of strength. The Maiden: the goddess of innocence and chastity. The Smith: the god of crafts and labor. The Crone: the goddess of wisdom. And The Stranger: the god of death.
As all seven gods were gazing down upon Tywin, The Father was the first to speak. "Tywin, son of Tytos, of the House Lannister, you stand before The Seven to move on into the afterlife. But first, we must decide on your fate."
"Then go ahead," said Tywin. "You represent judgement, so judge me."
"I may be the bringer of judgement," said The Father. "But before I do judge you, I shall hear what the other six have to say."
The Mother was the first to speak her opinion. "Tywin Lannister, as you know, I am the bringer of mercy. But I don't see any reason why I should bring any of that upon yourself, when you have never brought it upon others."
"That is a lie," defended Tywin. "I showed mercy to that little imp, didn't I? On the day Tyrion was born, I was almost tempted to drown that little monster. But I managed to spare him, didn't I?"
"You might've spared him once," said The Mother. "But that never stopped you from trying to take his life time after time again. Ever since he was brought into Westeros, you've tried to have him killed every chance you could find. May it be in battle, or at court, you've always hoped that he would never make it out alive. And all because your beloved Joanna died just to give him life. As the goddess of motherhood and nurturing, I know for a fact that Joanna had earned her passage to a great afterlife for the sacrifice she made for her son. You however shan't be meeting her; for I vote for eternal damnation."
After casting her vote, The Warrior had risen to speak his opinion. "Tywin, no one can deny that you're very capable on the battlefield; when your house was almost destroyed, you made sure those who wanted your family dead were perished. During Robert's Rebellion, you were able to assist in ridding the Seven Kingdoms of the Mad King. And even though Robb Stark had demolished your armies wherever he rode, you still stood victorious. However, you never succeeded those battles with honor. You might've had good cause to wipe out House Reyne and House Tarbeck, but through your ambition to save your house, you've also took the lives of innocents. When you sacked King's Landing, you had one of your bannermen rape the queen and murder her children. But the most unhonorable deed you've ever done in battle was with Robb Stark; if you had actually killed him on the battlefield, I might've shown more sympathy towards you. But instead you had him, his mother, and nearly all of his bannermen, slaughtered as welcomed guest under the roof of Walder Frey. And for that, I vote for eternal damnation."
With that said, The Warrior sat down and allowed The Maiden to speak. "Tywin, as you know, I am the goddess of innocence and chastity. You were a devoted husband to Joanna; and the fact that you could never bring yourself to smile after her death, proves that you truly loved her. I would've seen to it that you spend the rest of your life with her in the afterlife. That is until I saw what you were doing with Shae."
"Seven Hells," uttered Tywin. "You're not really going to use my repayment to that whore as an excuse to condemn me, are you? She did me a great service, so I repayed her. So what difference does one dead whore make?"
"It makes a big difference to me," said The Maiden. "You may only see the worse in people, but I can always see the good in them just as much. When Shae was brought before us, I voted that she'd be given eternal happiness. Your daughter might've talked her into commiting a terrible deed, but I still saw innocence in her. I however see none of that in you; which is why I vote for eternal damnation."
The Smith was the next to speak. "Tywin, you Lannisters were always skilled when it came to crafting. With all those gold mines, you can practically craft an entire kingdom out of it. But that however isn't enough to make me forgive you for destroying Eddard Stark's sword."
"I didn't destroy it," Tywin protested. "I simply reforged it into two new swords. Besides, Ned Stark was dead. So how could he ever make use of it?"
"It was an ancestral sword," explained The Smith. "It was a sword that passes down to many generations; and you destroyed it. And if you can't honor anything as sacred as an ancestral sword, then I have no choice but to vote for eternal damnation."
The Crone then gave her opinion. "Tywin, you know that I am the goddess of wisdom. And I know that you're one of the most clever men in all the Seven Kingdoms. But I'm afraid there's a difference between being clever, and being wise. If you were truly wise, you never would've given any of my accomplices any reason to condemn you. You might've thought that the deeds you made were just, but in honesty they were wrong. And because you chose cleverness over wisdom, I must vote for eternal damnation."
The last to go was The Stranger, but it didn't take him long. All he did was raise up his thumb and point it down. Even Tywin knew that his chances were slim at this point; with all of that said, The Father prepared to pass on his judgement. "Tywin Lannister, after listening to what my colleagues had to say, I'm convinced that you're anything but worthy of a happy afterlife. Which is why you are hereby sentenced to eternal damnation."
Tywin decided to speak his last words to The Seven. "Very well, condemn me! Throw me in the Seven Hells! See if I care! I had to suffer all my life because of you; so what would make an eternity of suffering any different?"
"Because you're not going to the Seven Hells," said The Stranger. "After witnessing the deeds you've done, I realize that eternity in the Seven Hells is too merciful for someone like you. Which is why I've chosen a much more excruciating punishment, just for you."
"And what's that?" instead of answering his question, The Seven had made Tywin fall through the center of the seven-pointed star and was casted down into the Hell that awaits him.
...
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
He first felt a very excruciating headache; what followed next was him trying his best to wake up and see just what The Seven had in stored for him. As he was trying to raise himself up, he heard a voice say, "Are you all right, sir?"
Instead of answering his question, Tywin felt like teaching the owner of the said voice a thing or two about courtesy. "The word you were looking for is 'my lord'."
"Oh, forgive me my lord. It's just that you were found lying in the middle of the courtyard, and you've been contained in these chambers for nearly three days now."
"And you've come to give me milk of the poppy and toss me into some dungeon, I presume?"
"Nothing of the sort, my lord. The princess only wishes for your presence in the throne room."
"And which princess would that be? The princess of Dorne?"
"No my lord, the princess of Equestria."
The mention of that word had left Tywin puzzled for a brief moment. "I don't recall ever hearing of such a place."
"Well I do suppose that a creature such as yourself wouldn't know anything about Equestrian history."
"What do you mean by...?" before he could finish that question, Tywin saw--standing in front of him--a unicorn with a brown mustache, glasses, and a red vest. Tywin couldn't believe what he was looking at. "Is this some mummer's idea of a joke?!"
"Is something wrong, my lord?" the pony asked him.
"Alot of things are wrong," Tywin pointed out while keeping a straight face. "The fact that a pony is talking and wearing clothing is one of them!"
"My lord, we ponies of Equestria have always been blessed with the ability to speak and many other talents. Pardon my saying so, but have you ever seen a pony before?"
"Of course I have; every man that ever held a sword and bled in battle has mounted a pony before charging on the back of a horse. They've just never mounted any that could speak."
"Well, I'm sure that the princess would be most interested to know more of your...culture. But before you do make your presence, I better make sure that the cooks have prepared your breakfast--after three days, you must be starving. And no need to concern yourself with attire, my lord; your clothes are right next to the bed when you're ready to make yourself presentable."
The second the pony had left the chamber, Tywin looked at the red suit that he had worn for many occassions and was beginning to evaluate on what kind of punishment The Seven had bestowed upon him. What kind of punishment is this suppose to be ? Sure, I'm not entirely fond at the idea of a pony being able to talk, but how is this suppose to be worse than eternity in the Seven Hells ? His concentration was soon disrupted when the door had opened and some servant pony had placed a plate of toast and eggs before him. And so putting the matter aside at the moment, Tywin picked up his utensils as he quietly broke his fast.
...
After breaking his fast, Tywin had donned his royal garbs and was soon being escorted by two ponies that were wearing golden armor. As he was being led through hall after hall, he would occasionally glance at some of the stained-glass art that was depicting important events. They certainly have a way of preserving their history . He would soon find himself standing before a big door, that led into the throne room. As soon as he'd entered, he saw sitting upon a golden throne a tall alicorn with white fur, wavy rainbow hair, and a golden crown upon her head.
When Tywin had gotten closer, the pony princess had risen from her throne and said, "Oh good, I was beginning to think that you would never wake up. May I have the honor of knowing whom I'm addressing?"
Seeing as how he's speaking to royalty, Tywin bent his knee and addressed her with the proper title. "Your Grace, I'm Tywin of the House Lannister. And as you've might've guessed by now, I'm not exactly from these parts."
"I'm very aware of that," said the princess, "You're not the first human that I had the pleasure of acquainting myself with. And let's not be formal when addressing ourselves; Princess Celestia will do. Now, shall we head on to the kitchen?"
"That won't be necessary Princess, I've broken my fast as soon as I woke up."
"Oh not for you Tywin, I haven't had my breakfast all morning. Besides, my sister is waiting for me, and would probably like to meet you as well."
Seeing as how he had little to no options at the moment, Tywin decided to just go along with the princess at the moment. He followed her to a kitchen; it was there that he saw another alicorn, only this one had blue fur, wavy blue hair, and on her head stood a black crown. "Luna, I like you to meet our honored guest," Celestia started the introductions. "This is Tywin Lannister."
"Greetings," Luna greeted Tywin. "It's very rare that the Princess of the Night gets to meet one of her sister's friends."
"What sort of ridiculous title is that suppose to be?" asked Tywin.
"The Princess of the Night is the one who raises and lowers the moon in Equestria." Luna explained.
"You talk as if you rule this kingdom."
"That's because I do rule this kingdom."
"Last time I recall, it was Celestia who rules; she never mentioned anything about you."
"That's because my sister and I both rule Equestria." Celestia clarified.
"What do you mean you both rule?!" Tywin raised his voice in a manner that suggests that he's losing his composure.
"What my sister means is that we're the Co-rulers of Equestria." Luna further clarified.
Tywin might've been confused, but he still kept his face straight. "No, no, this makes no sense; you can't both rule this kingdom!"
"And why not?" asked Luna.
"Because a kingdom can only have one ruler," Tywin explained. "And if there's two rulers, then that means one of them is either a pretender or a usurper."
"Well I'm sure that the way you run a country where you come from is exceptional," said Celestia, "But having more than one ruler makes running a country much easier."
"Don't make this sound difficult than it already is," said Tywin, "Where I come from we have seven kingdoms, and they all bow to one ruler."
"I must imagine seven kingdoms being too much to handle for one ruler." Luna commented.
"Only when there's some rebellious usurper or some incompetent pretender who suddenly feels that he ought to sit upon the Iron Throne."
"Can we please discuss this after breakfast," Celestia requested. "I'm just really hungry." so without saying anything else, Tywin just sat himself down while the princess broke her fast.
...
When she had finally had her fill, she allowed Tywin to tell her and her sister more about his old life. But before he could even so much as open his mouth, the door slammed open and then entered a male unicorn with white fur, long blonde hair, and he also donned a white tuxedo. "Auntie, are my blueberry pankcakes ready yet? You know I can't fulfill any of my royal duties as a prince on an empty stomach." when he laid eyes upon Tywin, he let out a girly shriek as he whined, "What in Tartarus is one of those creatures doing here?!"
"Blueblood," Celestia scolded, "It's not polite to refer any of our guest as 'creatures'."
"Well it's not my fault that these creatures are born so hideous! Ugh, I thought that the ones who came to the Grand Galloping Gala were ugly; but this one's even uglier!"
"Blueblood," said Luna. But before she could say anything else, Tywin lifted his hand as a sign to tell her to be silent. He then turned to Blueblood and with that cold, expressionless stare, he said, "I take it that you live here with these two?"
"Of course I live here," said Blueblood, "I am their only nephew you know."
"Really," said Tywin, "Then I suppose that makes you their heir?"
"Well, neither of them have any sons or daughters, so I guess that does make me their heir."
"You remind me of my grandson; he too was the heir to a throne. And then one day, he would become king of all the Seven Kingdoms."
"I must imagine your grandson really enjoyed his new position."
"Yes, he did seem to like the idea of having more power over others...that is until the day he lost it."
"How did he lose it?"
"On his wedding day, someone had poured some poison into his wine; and when the poison started to take effect, you can imagine the uproar it caused. Even right now I can still see him lying on the ground, choking for air, his eyes bleeding red, and his face turning purple. I sure hope that doesn't happen to you when you take over your aunts' place as ruler. One minute you're rulling a kingdom, and then you lose it from the sip of a cup."
After listening to that morbid story, Blueblood just turned away and left the kitchen without even making so much as a squeak. When he left, Celestia said, "Oh dear Tywin, I'm sorry for your loss."
"Don't be," said Tywin, "Joffrey had it coming since the day he had Ned Stark's head chopped off."
"Pardon my saying so," said Luna, "But it seems that your way of running a kingdom seems pretty brutal."
"That's what you should expect when you play the game of thrones."
"What kind of game is that?" asked Celestia.
"It's a game of power; one person wants to gain power, while the other wants to keep it. In the end, one will either win or die." after an uncomfortable silence, Tywin decided to change the subject. "What did your nephew meant when he was refering to 'the one's'?"
"He was simply refering about the other humans that came before you." Celestia explained.
"And how might I ask did they end up here?"
"One night, I saw what appeared to be a giant, green fireball fall into Ponyville." said Luna. "After witnessing this, I immediatley warned my sister about it."
"And then that following day, I came to personally welcome them." said Celestia.
"I'm guessing that they've returned your courtesy?" Tywin wondered.
"Well, not exactly. At first they reacted very rudely towards me; they laughed when I told them I was the ruler, and their leader had made some very insulting comments towards me."
"I assume you gave them the punishment befitting for what they did?"
"I guess you can say that. After what they did, I smite their leader in the rear with lightning and I made the three of them stay in Ponyville for six days."
Tywin didn't appeared to be amused at that response. "Did your lightning permanently scarred him?"
"Not really, it was more like a pinch to the flank--nothing too serious (besides, it was rather cute the way he throws a tantrum)."
"So basically you just allowed three, impudent peasants to openly mock you, and in return you allowed them to walk away, unscathed."
"Well it wasn't like they knew they were disrespecting royalty."
"Ignorance is no excuse for insolence. If it were up to me I would've had their tongues ripped out for even so much as snickering."
"That maybe appropriate where you come from," said Luna. "But here, we tend to treat our subjects with a little more mercy."
"Mercy," he said that as if the word could make him laugh, "If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that you can't keep a kingdom from falling apart with mercy."
"And how would you know about running a kingdom?" asked Luna.
"Because of all the honors that I've received, the one I'll be remembered the most is being Hand of the king--twice."
"And what pray tell is that?"
"The Hand is the king's most trusted advisor; I've advised two kings (my childhood friend, and my own grandson). It would seem that fate has brought me to you two for a reason. Clearly you two are in desperate need of my services."
"That's very kind of you, Tywin," said Celestia, "But I'm afraid that me and my sister are more than capable of rulling Equestria on our own. However, there is somepony that could be in need of your assistance. Her name is Twilight Sparkle; she was my former student, but now she's become Equestria's newest princess. I'm sure she might find some use of your services."
"With all due respect, Celestia," Tywin responded, "My services are for more higher nobles, such as yourself."
"Your services aren't required here," said Luna, "So you're just going to have to settle with somepony who does need them."
Tywin didn't really like this option, but deep down he knew that he had no choice. So Celestia told him, "You may stay here for today, but tomorrow you shall get upon a chariot and be taken straight to Princess Twilight's castle. And don't worry, I'll be sure to give you a letter that explains everything to her."
...
That night, as Tywin was lying on his guest bed, he stared at the ceiling as he was talking to himself. "Is this your punishment? Having me serve some lower noble? Because if that's it, then I'm gravely disappointed." and when he was finished with his prayer/curse, he closed his eyes and awaited for what'll happen next.
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
The second he had awoken, he found himself soaring through the sky on a golden chariot. This would of course caused him to have a surprised reaction, but as always, he didn't actually revealed that emotion. During this chariot ride, Tywin started to get a glimpse of the town known as Ponyville. And somewhere off in the distance, he could see the castle that he assumed belonged to this princess that he's going to serve.
As he stepped off the chariot, he just stood there gazing at the castle while his ride was heading back to Canterlot. When he felt that enough time was delayed already, he walked up to the door and gave it a few hard knocks. While he was waiting for the door to open, he could hear some of the ponies gossiping behind his back. But he paid no mind to any of it; at times like this, he only had this to say: "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of the sheep."
At that moment the door had finally opened. But to his slight surprise, there didn't appear to be anyone there. That is until he heard some voice say, "Can I help you?" he looked down and--to an even slighter surprise--he saw what appeared to be a purple dragon standing before him!
Never thought I'd ever have to deal with dragons again . He put that thought aside as he handed the dragon the letter that Celestia had written and said, "I wish to speak with Princess Twilight Sparkle."
After the dragon finished reading the letter, he looked up at Tywin and said, "OK, just follow me." and so Tywin had found himself being led inside the castle. When he came into what he assumed to be a council chamber, the dragon said, "Twilight, there's somepony who wants to speak with ya."
And that's when he saw a little purple alicorn rise up from one of the seven thrones and greeted him. "Hello, can I help you with something?" that was when the dragon handed her the letter. After reading the whole thing, she turned back to Tywin and said, "So Celestia sent you to be my assistant?"
"In a manner of speaking," said Tywin. "Although the more appropiate term is 'Hand'."
"Well I appreciate your offer," Twilight responded. "But I already have an assistant." she pointed back to the dragon.
Tywin just glared at the dragon as he said, "Does he help you run this little village?"
"Spike? No, he mostly just sends my letters for me."
"So you are in need of my services after all."
"Well I wouldn't really say..."
"My job as your Hand is to help keep this village in order. And if..." he was stuck trying to remember the dragon's name.
So the dragon reminded him, "Spike."
"Thank you," Tywin continued. "And if Spike isn't the one helping you in more important matters such as this, then clearly you do have need of me."
"I understand where you're going with this," Twilight admitted. "But what's to be done with Spike? I don't want him to feel like he's not needed anymore."
"And he won't; which is why from this point on he'll be serving me."
"And why's that?" Spike demanded.
Tywin glared down upon him again and said, "Because with me assisting the princess, she'll have no need of you. But seeing as how I don't have an assistant of my own, you'll serve as my cupbearer. Now why don't you make yourself useful and find me a more accommodating room?"
Twilight was flummoxed at this request. "I'm sorry, but did you just asked for a room...here...in this castle?"
"Of course. As your advisor I'm required to be near you at all times; which means that I'll need a room to stay in." he then turned his gaze back to Spike. "Now are you going to find me one, or must I do it myself?"
After an awkward silence, Spike looked back to Twilight, and she in turn gave him a nod that pretty much granted him permission to do as he requested. And so taking a deep breath, the little dragon went and led Tywin to his room.
After leading Tywin throughout every part of the castle, Spike had taken him to what might've been the biggest room they had to offer. "I hope this room will prove suitable for you," said Spike.
After closely inspecting these quarters, Tywin said, "It'll do for now." and so he sat himself upon some chair, next to what would be his desk.
"So what will you be doing, exactly?" Spike asked.
Inquisitive little beast . "If you must know, I'm going to be advising this princess of yours in matters of the conditions of this village."
"So...you're helping her keep Ponyville from falling apart?"
"Precisely. How old are you?"
"Ten."
"You're awfully smart for a boy your age."
"Well Twilight did want me to be an educated assistant; since the day I was hatched, the first thing she did was put a big book in front of me and taught me how to read."
"I use to do the same thing to my own son; I would sit him down in my chambers for four hours, until he learned to read. He hated me for it at first, but when he got older he learned to appreciate it."
"You have children?"
"Aye, two sons and one daughter."
"What were they like?"
"Jaime was destined to be a knight the second he learned how to pickup and swing a sword; although he tended to be careless and let glory get in the way of his thinking, he would end up being the youngest member of the Kingsguard. His sister, Cersei, was blessed with all the qualities of a queen (even though she did have a habit of making enemies out of everyone--including her own allies.) But Tyrion..." when he got to him, he immediatley stopped.
"What about him?"
Not wanting to tell the little dragon of his demise, he decided to end their conversation in a subtle approach. "Fetch me some water--you're not my cupbearer for nothing." without even bothering to object, Spike just turned away and left Tywin with his thoughts. I should've drowned that little imp .
...
After hours of arranging his room to his liking, he soon heard Twilight come in and say, "Hey Tywin, are you hungry?"
"It has been awhile since I last ate."
"I'll take that as a yes, so come on."
"And just where are we going?"
"To Suagrcube Corner; you'll never find a much better place to eat than there."
"With all do respect Princess, I'm more content to just eat here."
"Aren't you suppose to serve me?"
"Yes."
"And does that mean you have to do everything I tell you?"
"Technically yes."
"In that case, I order you to come to Sugarcube Corner."
Spike let out a giggle as he said, "She sure told you." but he immediatley stopped the second Tywin's cold stare had stabbed him.
When they left the castle, the three of them had then walked right into the door of this Sugarcube Corner place. When they did enter, everything was dark at first. But then the lights were suddenly back on and Tywin found himself being ambushed by a "SURPRISE !"
He looked around and saw that he was surrounded by the whole town. Then out of nowhere, some pink pony comes up to him and says, "Hey there, I'm Pinkie Pie! I threw you this surprise, welcome to Ponyville party because Twilight told us that she was having this new guy living with her! And whenever somepony new comes here, I just have to throw them a party! Because I just like to make new friends! Do you like making new friends! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! Here, have a cupcake!" she then stuffed a chocolate cupcake right in his mouth.
As he was swallowing the sweet pastry, he looked as if he was eating something that tasted sour. Twilight then said to him, "You'll have to excuse Pinkie Pie; she tends to get excited when she meets somepony new."
"I see," said Tywin. "I'm guessing she's your fool?"
"Well, she can be a bit foolish, but she's still a good friend. Speaking of which, you've got to meet my other friends."
And so he was led to a table where there sat four ponies: one was a pegasus with yellow fur and pink hair, the other pegasus had blue fur and rainbow hair, amongst them was an earth pony with orange fur and yellow hair, and the last was a unicorn with white fur and purple hair. Twilight was the first to start the introduction. "Everypony, this is Tywin Lannister; he's my new advisor."
"Well howdy there Mr. Tywin," the orange pony greeted him while rapidly shaking his hand. "My name's Applejack, and if you're ever hankerin' fer an apple, you just come on over ta Sweet Apple Acres."
As he was trying to recover his hand from that aching handshake, he was bumped by the shoulder by the blue pegasus. "Hey there oldtimer, name's Rainbow Dash: fastest flyer in Equestria, and future Wonderbolt. What do you go by?"
"If you must know, my titles range from Lord of Casterly Rock, Warden of the West, and the Shield of Lannisport."
"Shield, huh?" said Rainbow Dash. "In that case, let's see you shield this!" she then splattered a piece of cake all over his face! As she was dropping on the ground laughing, Tywin just stared down at her with that resentful gaze of his.
The white unicorn used some kind of magic to lift a napkin and wipe the mess off his face. "Sorry about that, darling; Rainbow Dash can be quite crude sometimes. My name is Rarity, and I must say that that's a lovely suit you have on."
"It's the finest in all the Westerlands."
"Well, seeing as how I'm very generous, I can be more than happy to make you some new threads."
"So you're Princess Twilight's tailor?"
"Well I don't just make clothes for Twilight, I make them for everypony. Also, I prefer the term 'fashion designer', if you don't mind."
After that brief introduction, he turned his attention to the yellow pegasus. She trembled a little as she said meekly, "Um, hi...I-i'm Fluttershy." but when she laid eyes upon that glare of his, all that came out of her mouth was a timid squeak.
Tywin had suddenly felt an excruciating ringing in his ears when Pinkie had blown a noisemaker right in front of him. The look on his face--which would strike fear in most people--caused her and Rainbow Dash to laugh. When Pinkie noticed that his expression hasn't changed, she said to him, "Aw come on, Tywee, don't be all pouty!"
"First off, my name is Tywin--Lord Tywin to you. And second, don't you ever blow that atrocius horn near my ears again!"
"Oh lighten up oldtimer," said Rainbow Dash. "It was just a joke."
"You both seem to enjoy jokes, don't you?" they both nodded in agreement. "I knew a person who also liked jokes. His name was Ser Ilyn Payne; he was a captain of my personal guard. And one time, he made a little joke about the king. And you know what the king did when he heard the joke?"
"He gave him apple cider?" Rainbow guessed.
"He threw him a party?" Pinkie guessed.
"No, he had his tongue ripped off with hot pinchers." their looks of glee soon turned to dread after hearing that bit of information. "If I were you two, I'd be careful who I joke about. It would be a real shame if you weren't able to laugh--or speak for that matter."
After an uncomfortable silence, Spike was the first to say something. "So this Ilyn guy never got to speak again?"
"Exactly," said Tywin. "It might seem unfortunate for most, but for him it made his duties as the King's Justice much more effective."
"What does the King's Justice do?"
"He executes those who are deemed unloyal to the crown."
Rainbow Dash muttered to the others, "This guy's a real buzzkill."
Twilight immediatley tried to lighten things up. "OK, well why don't we discuss something more...pleasant? Like, uh...have you ever gone to pick flowers before?"
"Does the idea of executing someone frighten you, Princess?"
"Let's not discuss..."
"When somebody in this village goes out of line, don't you ever pass judgement upon them?"
"It's just that..."
"When you do have someone executed, do you have Spike do it for you, or do you prefer the Northern way and just do it yourself?"
Rainbow Dash then blurted out, "Sweet Celestia, lighten up! Don't you ever think of something more cheerful? In fact can you even laugh--or smile for that matter?"
"I stopped smiling when the gods took away the one person I cared the most, and I just don't approve of laughter."
"Oh come on, how can laughter be in anyway bad?" asked Pinkie.
"It can make you look weak," Tywin explained. "And when you're Lord of Casterly Rock, you can't afford to look weak in front of your own vassals."
"Ooo, I feel a story coming on!" she then grabbed herself a tub of popcorn as she, the ponies, and Spike listened to Tywin's story.
...
Ever since I was born, I'd always hear the sound of laughter. When I'm in the feast hall, the courtyard, or even the armory, I can always hear that dreaded sound. And all of this was the result of the actions of my father, Tytos Lannister. Although he was the Lord of Casterly Rock and Warden of the West, my father was an incredibly weak man and was an absolute disgrace to the Lannister name. He was known by many to be eager to please, and slow to anger; one quality that many remember of him is that he has a tendency for laughing over anything. And it was that one quality that would make him the laughing stock in all the Westerlands--if not in all the Seven Kingdoms.
These weaknesses of his would cause the near downfall of our house; his own bannermen would never bother to repay their loans, purposely disobey his orders, and would even go so far as to openly mock him at court. And as these bannermen kept taking advantage over their own liege lord, what did my father do? Just laugh of course; his weak authority over his vassals would eventually earn him the name: The Laughing Lion. And at that point, all of Westeros started to no longer see the Lion of Lannister as a creature that should be respected and feared (even the smallfolk weren't afraid of it).
And throughout these dark times, I'd said nothing to my father about these matters. Although I was more qualified to be rulling the West, I was still just a boy at the time (and it wasn't within the son's power to question the authority of his father). But one night, during a big feast, my father had decided to make a special announcement to all the lords.
"Attention everyone, I have an important announcement to make."
Someone amongst the crowd had shouted, "Did you finally grow a cock?" everyone laughed--but not as much as my father.
After getting that out of his system, he continued with his big announcement. "As we all know, alliances is what makes us strong."
Walderran Tarbeck commented, "So does borrowing gold from you." he and his wife, Ellyn Reyne, snickered at that little jape.
"As you all might've known, Walder Frey has been making some insulting comments towards our house." everyone's been making insulting comments towards our house ! "He says that the Lion of Lannister is toothless, and has no claws. It then occured to me that this house needs more allies. Which is why I've decided to form one with House Frey."
Before he could say anything else, Roger Reyne asked, "All right Tytos, what is it that you're planning this time?"
"I'm planning on wedding Genna Lannister to Emmon Frey!"
When that anouncement was made, Ellyn Reyne was bursting with laughter, while Roger Reyne had just left in anger. "I swear, could he be anymore foolish?!"
The second I heard that comment, I realized that I must talk some sense into my father. So I rosed up and shouted, "Have you completely lost your senses, father?! Since when does the lion concern himself with the opinions of the sheep?!"
Upon my outburst, Walderran Tarbeck told my father, "It seems that your son has more balls than you, Tytos. Since you have no problem giving away your gold, why don't you give him your title while you're at it?" everyone was laughing at this point--except my father, for once.
After the feast, I was in my chambers with my brothers: Kevan, Tygett, and Gerion (and my sister Genna, of course). Gerion was just full of giggling when he said, "Did you see the look on father's face when you called him out? I swear, I've never seen him not smile before."
"Yes, you did upset father pretty badily, Tywin." my brother, Tygett said.
"You think I would just let father continue to make a fool of himself?" I said, "Someone has to tell him that he's wrong."
"I don't disagree, Tywin," my other brother, Kevan said, "Father's been needing to hear those kind of words for a long time; if only it had been before everyone started taking advantage of him."
"I just wish that it had happened before father decided to marry me off without my consent," Genna voiced her complaint. "Not that I'm ungrateful for what you did just now, Tywin."
"I just felt like giving our father a piece of my mind," I stated. "With that aside, even I would never allow you to wed a thin runt like Emmon Frey."
"You mean everything they say about him is true?!" my sister choked with fear.
"That's right Genna," Gerion chuckled. "You're going to be the happy wife of a scarecrow that has twigs for bones!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about our dear sister's marriage," Tygett dismissed Gerion's jape. "I for one would hate to imagine the punishment that father's going to give you, Tywin."
"Don't be ridiculous, Tygett. If father's too weak to punish his own bannermen, what makes you think that he'll punish his own son?"
That's when the maester came in and said, "Tywin, your father wishes to speak with you."
When I entered his chambers, he looked at me with that rare disappointed expression on his face. "Tywin, what you did tonight was uncalled for."
"No, what's uncalled for is you wedding a lion of this house to a Frey."
"We need allies, and in order to gain allies, you must wed some members of your house."
"It's an uneven match and you know it!"
"Tywin, please don't raise your voice; you know I don't like that."
"Please?! You're Lord of Casterly Rock and Wardern of the West, and you have to ask your own son please?! Do you say please when you give your bannermen orders?! Do you say please when you ask someone to repay their loans to you? When Walder Frey was insulting you, did you ask him to please stop?!"
"I know that you might not agree with me sometimes, but I'm still your father. And as your father you're in no position to be objecting me. Which is why you need to learn how to respect your superiors. I've taken this into a lot of thought; I've decided that the best thing for you is to be sent to King's Landing as a cupbearer."
"Fine, send me to King's Landing. Send me to Dorne. Send me all the way to the Wall for all I care; it won't change the fact that people will continue laughing at our name."
"Tywin, when I die, you will become Lord of Casterly Rock and can do just as you please. But until then, you will do as I say. Now get some sleep, you'll be riding to King's Landing first thing in the morning."
...
"Wait, wait, wait," Spike interrupted, "You mean that all these people just insult your father, and he does nothing about it?"
"I know," said Tywin, "It's rather ironic really: he's never embarrassed when his own vassals mock him, but he does get embarrass when his own son points out when they are mocking him."
Pinkie then said, "Yeah, but that shouldn't be a reason to hate laughter. Laughter is something that should be enjoyed by everypony. I should know, because I represent Laughter."
"Then tell me this," Tywin asked, "If you were to one day make yourself look foolish in front everyone, and have no intention of making them laugh, would you like it if they were all laughing at you?"
"Well, I wouldn't think it's a nice thing."
Now isn't that an understatement ? "And if you were to allow everyone to laugh at you everytime they see you, would you enjoy that?"
"I guess not."
"You either do or you don't."
"Well...I guess if it makes everypony happy."
"You're sounding just like my father; he wanted everyone to be happy, and look where that got him."
Twilight then said, "So...I take it you never laugh?"
Tywin looked at her with that cold stare and said, "When you're in my position Princess, you can never allow yourself to appear weak. As a ruler you would be wise to know that." and so with all that said, they ended the party and they all went back to the castle after that.
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
Following the next morning, Tywin rose out of bed as he prepared himself to break his fast. The second he sat down on his dinner table, Spike came in and placed a plate of pancakes right in front of him. He looked upon the heated pieces of batter with a hint of confusion as he said, "And just what pray tell are these?"
"Pancakes," Spike explained. "Don't you usually eat them during breakfast?"
"Whenever I break my fast, I settle for eggs or sausage. This however is strange to me."
"Never too bad a time to try new things." Spike waved a fork and a knife in front of Tywin, beckoning him to take a bite.
Seeing as how he is hungry, Tywin took the fork and knife and cut up a piece. After swallowing that first bite, he told Spike, "It tastes a little dry."
"Well they usually do taste better with syrup." he then took out a bottle of syrup and poured some all over the pancakes.
When Tywin ate them this time, he had this to say. "Delectable. It definitely tastes better than that piece of burnt bread that they served me back at that other castle."
"You mean Canterlot?"
"Precisely. When I first woke up, they just handed me a plate of eggs and this crunchy bread that was clearly burnt."
"The bread's suppose to be crunchy; they don't call it toast for nothing."
"Well where I come from, we prefer our bread soft." as he continued to feast upon the pancakes, Tywin asked, "Does the princess have anything she needs to go over?"
"No, Twilight's pretty much has nothing for you today. But you do have an appointment over at Carousel Boutique."
"And what business must I attend to there?"
"Don't you remember? Rarity offered to make you some new clothes."
"Is a new wardrobe really that much of a priority?"
"Come on, Rarity's giving you a generous offer; you wouldn't turned down a deal like that, would you?" he then made a puppy dog face that even Tywin would ignore in a millisecond. But seeing as how Tywin clearly has nothing else he can do, he reluctantly agreed to head over. And so after Spike had chowed down the leftovers, he led Tywin to Carousel Boutique.
After seconds of following Spike, Tywin had found himself in the home of Rarity. While he was standing on some podium, Rarity was measuring him while Spike had appeared to be ogling over her. When she finished measuring him, she asked him, "OK darling, now before I start working on your new suit, are there any requests?"
Tywin looked at her with that blank expression of his and told her, "Just make sure it's all black."
Rarity was abit taken back by that request, "Just black? Come on darling, why not something more lively? Like yellow, or purple, or pink..."
"I'll only wear black or red," he snapped, "So unless you want to see this establishment of yours burned to the ground, you'll follow my demands!" as Rarity nervously went to her room, Tywin turned his attention towards Spike. "Is there a reason why you keep staring at her like that?"
That got Spike out of his love-struck trance as he responded, "Oh, well...this might be a bit embarrassing to admit this, but...I might have a bit of a crush on her."
Tywin gave him an understanding nod as he said, "Nothing to be too embarrassed about; you're just in love. Most boys your age start falling for girls at somepoint or another."
"Did you ever fall in love?"
"I did," he said with a hint of saddness. "Her name was Joanna; she was probably the most beautiful woman in all of Westeros. Whenever you dote over Rarity, do you always smile?"
"Oh yes. Why do you ask?"
"Because whenever you find a woman that can make you smile everytime you gaze upon her, then you know it's true love. And Joanna was no exception."
"You mean you really did used to smile?"
"Only when she was around; but now she's gone, and I may never bring myself to smile again." Spike could've sworn that he saw what appeared to be a tear falling down his eye.
But his attention quickly found itself drawn back to Rarity, as she was coming down with the black suit that she made for Tywin. "Here you go darling, I told you I would make you a new suit, and I did." when Tywin put the suit on, he went to a mirror and looked at himself. "So, what do you think?"
"You definitely got the stitching right," he commented, "I'm surprised that a pony of your skills don't knit the fabric of royalty."
Rarity blushed a little as she said, "I do sometimes get to receive some honorable opportunities; but I just enjoy doing what I do best." that blush soon went away when the door banged opened and two stallions entered.
"Hey Rarity," the yellow stallion with the suave mane tried to woo her. "Feel like going on another ride with us?"
She let out an annoyed sigh as she rebuffed them, "I've told you two a million times, if what you're asking me isn't clothes related then you have no reason to be in my store."
"Come on baby," the grey stallion with the spiky mane said. "We even brought you a new carriage for you to ride in." they then pointed to a gold encrusted carriage that had little diamonds of every color embedded on it.
Tywin leaned in and whispered to Rarity, "And just who are these two?"
"That's Caramel and Lucky Clover," she whispered back. "Ever since I asked them to pull a carriage for me and my friends, they somehow fell under the delusion that I'm attracted towards them."
The two stallions came closer as the one called Lucky Clover laid his hoof around Rarity's shoulder and said in a sultry tone, "Come on Rarity, we know of a great place where we could make little foals of our own."
She immediately slapped him across the face and told him, "I am not that kind of mare; and don't you ever touch me again! Now you two get out!"
This however seemed to only entice the two of them. "You fight back," said Lucky Clover. "I just love a mare with some spunk."
Before he could get any closer, Spike pushed him back as he said, "She told you two 'no', so get lost!"
"And what are you gonna do about it, pipsqueak?!"
The one called Caramel added, "Yeah, what can a little kid like you do to us?"
"Hello, I'm a dragon! What makes you two think I won't burn you to a crisp, or claw your eyes out?!"
"Because you're just a pathetic, little runt!"
"Yeah, so you better step aside, kid; unless you want to find out what happens to little boys when they play with the big boys!"
Not wanting to see his own cupbearer be humiliated, Tywin stepped in and said, "Don't you two have anything better to do other than making petty threats towards my cupbearer?"
Lucky Clover looked at him and said, "Were we talking to you, Grandpa? No, so butt out!"
Caramel then added, "Yeah, why don't you go stuff your face in apple sauce or somethin'?"
The second those two started to laugh, Tywin's anger started to rise--though he didn't show it. "It's not wise to be taunting a lion."
"You, a lion?" Lucky Clover scoffed. "Yeah, and we're manticores!" when they laughed the second time, Tywin immediatley took action.
He stepped out of the store and went up to some passing pony who was carrying a small sledgehammer that can be held with one hand. "You, hand over that hammer."
"And why should I?"
"Because unless you want Princess Twilight Sparkle to lock you in some dungeon, you'll surrender the hammer!" not wanting to risk facing the wrath of a princess, the pony immediately gave his hammer to Tywin.
As he walked back to the gold carriage with the hammer in his hand, Lucky Clover said, "What do ya think you're doing with that hammer, Grandpa?"
Instead of answering his question, Tywin just looked at the two with that semi-pissed expression that he usually gives to people that he finds incompetent and said, "How much did this carriage cost you two?"
"What's it to you, Gramps?" Caramel scoffed.
"How much?"
"I don't know, about over eight thousand bits."
With that much money I could buy Valyrian Steel for an entire army . "If it cost you two that much just to buy this hunk of gold, then imagine how much it'll cost to rebuild it."
They both slowly started to get an understanding on what he was planning on doing with that hammer. "You wouldn't..." but before he could finish that statement, Tywin immediatley pounded the carriage until it was nothing but broken diamonds and bent steel! After staring in shock and disbelief at the pile of junk that used to be a carriage, they both stormed up to Tywin as Lucky Clover said, "You are so paying for this!"
"I didn't pay for this," he said with a victory smug. "So it's really none of my concern."
"Do you have any idea what we'll do to you?!"
"Let me guess, you're both going to head back to your strongholds, call for your banners, renounce your loyalty to your princess, declare open war, and will continue to fight until you see my head on a spike. Does that sum it up?"
They both looked at him as if he's gone insane; after an uncomfortable silence, Caramel told him, "No, we're civilized ponies; we're just gonna take this up with the Mayor and settle this in court."
After hearing that response, Tywin's smug look soon turned back into that stern, angry expression that most people had to deal with. Seven Hells, these two aren't even putting up a fight . Seeing as how he's getting tired of these two, he decided to be finished with them. "Now listen here you two brain-dead mules, I am Hand of the Princess; and unless you two want your heads chopped off, you'll stay away from Rarity, and you shall cease making threats towards my cupbearer! Do I make myself clear?!"
And without saying anything else, the two stallions just ran away with their tales between their legs. Rarity then went to offer her gratitude in return. "Thank you so much Tywin, I might finally be able to relax knowing that those two won't be around me." but instead of responding, he just turned around and rushed back to the castle. "Was it something I said?"
As soon as he was back in his chambers, Tywin did the one thing that most people would never expect him to do; he lost his composure. He was breaking nearly anything he could come across as he yelled from the top of his lungs, "Are you satisfied now?! Have I repaid for my past deeds?! You've dumped me in a world full of foolish, craven ponies that even a pig farmer could take over! I understand now why you think this is a crueller punisment than eternity in the Seven Hells. But it's not really a punishment; it's an insult! And you're all enjoying this, aren't you?! That's right, all seven of you must be laughing right now; the same way they use to laugh at my father! Well I've suffered enough, and you shan't be getting anymore joy from this!"
Without wasting anymore time, he picked up a knife and shoved it right into his heart. And yet, he seemed to have felt no pain. When he pulled the knife out, he found no trace of blood on it. And when he looked at where he stabbed himself, he saw that the scar had miraculously healed itself. No, this can't be ! He shoved the knife through his throat, but no blood came pouring out. He sliced his wrist, but the scar just healed itself like before. He was so determined to end his suffering that he just rapidly stabbed himself in every part of his body in the high hopes that he might die. But when he finally realized that he can never die again, he furiously threw the knife away and just laid down on his bed and sulked to himself.
When Spike came in, he looked at the mess around him with a hint of annoyance--knowing that he would have to be the one to clean it up. But when he saw Tywin in his miserable state, he walked towards him and said, "Is something wrong? You seemed to have lost your cool judging from the mess."
"I finally understand why I'm here."
"What do you mean?"
"Hand me that knife." when Spike gave him the knife, the first thing Tywin did was shove it through one of his eyeballs! Spike was alarmed at first, but he was in complete disbelief when he saw the eye heal itself.
"How is that possible?!"
"Because I'm already dead." he took the time to explain Spike the events that brought him here (excluding the cause of his death). "The Stranger claimed that this place would be worse than life in the Seven Hells; and now I no longer doubt him."
"What's so bad about Ponyville? It's peaceful, pleasant, nopony ever tries to kill one another and take over other ponies lands."
"Exactly, this place is ruled by ponies who practically resemble my father! Which means that conquering this world will be as easy as signing a peace of paper! And what's the point of playing the game of thrones when all your opponents are easy to defeat? Where I come from, your life was at risk on the day you're born. Everywhere you look, enemies are all around you--just waiting to take what's yours. It was a world where one mistake can lead to your own death; and everyday, you pray that you don't loose all that is dear to you. But in this world, I could overthrow the princess right now and never have to worry about any repercussions. Why? Because these ponies are about as weak and foolish as my father was."
"You know Tywin, your world sounds kinda dangerous."
"Of course it's dangerous; life is suppose to be dangerous. For everytime I wake up, I keep expecting someone to shove a sword through my heart. And everytime I go to sleep, I always dream of seeing my enemies die before me. It was the risk we all take when we're seeking to gain power, and it was worth it. There were plenty of times when my family legacy was at risk, but in the end, I would be the one to keep that legacy going (while others perish instead). But the one I shall always honor the most, was when I had to face Robb Stark."
"Who?"
"He was the son of a Northern Lord who my foolish grandson had executed; and when Ned Stark died, I knew then that Robb would never rest until he saw me and my entire family destroyed. When I first fought him, I underestimated the boy; I assumed that he would be as easy to take down as the Reynes or the Tarbecks. But unlike my other enemies, he ended up getting the better of me. He distracted me with two thousand of his men; and with all the other eighteen thousand, he succeeded in capturing my son. And after that first victory, he would start proclaiming himself as King in the North. And from that point, I would try my best to vanquish him. But despite all the armies I could muster, he never once lost a single battle--and he was proving to be more of a challenge than I ever expected."
"But you were still able to beat him though, right?"
"Of course. Even though I couldn't best Robb in the battlefield, I still rose victorious."
"And how did you do that?"
"One night, he had attended a wedding that was hosted by Walder Frey. And let's just say that on that night, Robb Stark had learned that winning battles isn't the same as winning a war. He was indeed a worthy opponent; and saddly I shall never find any in this color coated Hell. I was a legend where I come from, but here I'm nothing but a nobody. Even if I took over this entire kingdom, no one would ever remember it."
"Well at least you were a born lord, I'm just a natural born nobody. Ever since I was hatched, I've been taught to do one thing, and one thing only: serve. I serve Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, pretty much everypony here just thinks of me as a servant."
"You may be nothing but a cupbearer at the moment, but you'll get your chance at immortality."
"That's just it, I've had plenty of chances to prove myself, but that still doesn't change everypony's views towards me. Like one time, I saved an entire empire from falling under the control of some evil king."
"A feat like that would've earned you a knighthood."
"Well, I might've gained the crystal ponies respect for it, but do Twilight and the others start to respect me? Nope. They just kept on seeing me as nothing but an incapable servant whose only purpose is to make them look better...especially Rarity." Spike was becoming even more depressed at this point. "Although I may love her, she doesn't love me back. One time she even found out about my feelings for her; but she still thinks that it's just some childish crush. And that's another problem, I'm just as smart as any of them, and yet they still treat me like a kid. I'd do anything for Rarity (there was even a time I saved her from a bunch of nightmare demons). But no matter what I do, she'll never return my love. She would rather be with princes who treat her like garbage, or a travel writer who's not even interested in her, but she'll never want to be with a servant who would practically die for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could be like you, Tywin. If I was a lord with a big castle of my own, then everypony would finally respect me--and Rarity might even love me. But let's face it, I'll never be anything more than this."
Spike then turned away, as he started to silently sob to himself. If Spike were one of Tywin's children, he would've been told to stop acting like a baby; but for some strange reason, Tywin seemed to have felt some bit of sympathy towards the dragon. While Spike was still sobbing, Tywin lifted his hand and did the one thing he'd probably never once did for his children: comfort him.
He patted Spike on the shoulder and told him, "It's OK, I understand what it is you're going through. When I was your age, I wanted nothing more than to be the respectable lord that my father could never be. But before I could ever gain any true power, I had to start my path as a cupbearer like yourself. And when I was sent to King's Landing, it was there that I met someone who was just as ambitious as you are..."
...
When the day of my departure had finally came, I wasn't even given so much as time to say goodbye to my brothers and sister or break my fast. I was immediatley saddled upon a horse, as escorts from King's Landing led me to the capital. As we were travelling to our destination, it was at that moment that I had the chance encounter with another lord's son.
"Pardon me, but you wouldn't happen to be the son of Tytos by any chance?"
"That I am, Tywin Lannister."
I extended my hand to him, and as he shook it, he in turn gave me his name. "Steffon Baratheon."
"So why is your father sending you to King's Landing?"
"He feels that since I'm destined to be Lord of Storm's End one day, that I need to be around other lords and learn how to be one myself. What about you?"
"My father sent me as punishment for speaking out against him."
"Your father?! I mean no offense to you, but I was under the impression that your father was weak."
"He is, that's the reason why he punished me; for telling him the truth."
"Well I wouldn't blame you, Tywin. If my father's bannermen were mocking him, I wouldn't be so proud of him either."
"It'll end one day. When I finally become Lord of Casterly Rock and Warden of the West, I'll put those impudent vassals back in their place. But until then, I'm gonna have to start off as a cupbearer."
"Well isn't that a coincidence, I'm gonna be serving as a cupbearer as well! Looks like we're going to be serving partners!" he slapped me upon the shoulder as he let out a laugh. But knowing my complete disdain for that sound, I remained silent throughout the rest of the trip.
When we finally arrived to King's Landing, our reaction was pretty much the same that anyone gets when they first come to the capital. But it was the Red Keep where the real excitement comes from. As we were stepping through the throne room, that's when we saw it ourselves. The Iron Throne: a throne that was forged by the many swords of the fallen foes of Aegon the Conqueror. And upon the Iron Throne, sat King Aegon V himself.
As he got up to inspect us, he looked at Steffon and said, "Steffon, how's Ormund?"
"My father's doing great, Your Grace. He has high hopes for me."
"Don't we all?" he then turned to me. "And Tywin, your father told me that you humiliated him in front of all the lords of the Westerlands."
"My father humiliated himself before I said anything."
"I don't disagree with you, even I'm tired of having to fix his problems for him. I just hope when you become Lord of Casterly Rock, you'll be able to take care of your father's blunders."
"I plan to, Your Grace."
"Well before you boys can become lords, you're going to be serving as royal cupbearers. Ser Duncan, escort these two to my grandson's chambers." we were then both escorted by Ser Duncan the Tall himself.
When we came to the chambers of the king's grandson, Ser Duncan opened the door and said, "Prince Aerys, your cupbearers have arrived."
"Thank you, Ser Duncan, I'll take care of it from here." the second Ser Duncan had left, we saw coming out of the curtains of the bed a lady-in-waiting and the young prince who would later be remembered as Aerys Targaryen. After dismissing the wench, he took the time to inspect us. "And just who might you two be to have the honor of serving the future king of the Seven Kingdoms?"
Reacting out of courtesy, Steffon bent his knee as he said, "Steffon of the House Baratheon, at your service."
I figured that I might as well go along with it; so I too bent the knee and said, "Tywin of the House Lannister, at your service."
This seemed to amuse him, for he let out a playful laugh and said, "Rise my cupbearers, you are indeed worthy of serving Aerys Targaryen. And as my cupbearers, your first command is to go to the cellar and bring me the best wine."
It took us awhile to find it at first, but we eventually did come across it. Upon leaving the cellar, the walk back to Aerys's bed-chamber was rather quiet until I heard a familiar voice call out to me. "Tywin?"
I had a feeling that voice sounded familiar. The moment I turned around and saw the face of said voice, my suspicions were true. "Joanna?"
I soon felt my personal space being penetrated by a hug from my betrothed. "When I heard that you were being sent here by uncle Tytos, I thought that it was just some joke. But that doesn't matter anymore; I'm just happy to see you again."
"We could've seen eachother much sooner if you hadn't been serving the princess for so long," I told her.
"And hurt Princess Rhaella's feelings," she teased. "I can't even imagine what she'd do if I ever refused the honor of serving her! And besides, I'll now get to see more of you often now that you're here." she then gave me a small peck on my cheek before saying, "I better get the princess those figs she's asked for before she starts to lose her patience. Goodbye Tywin."
As we continued our trek back to Aerys's bed-chamber, Steffon was doing a poor attempt at holding back his chuckles until finally striking a conversation. "Why Tywin, I may have only just met you but even I never would've took you for someone who likes to fool around with handmaidens!"
"She's not just any handmaiden," I responded. "She's my betrothed."
Steffon's face had made a smirking grin for itself. "My, my, she must be a very important lady if she's to one day marry the future Warden of the West!"
"Of course she's important; she's my cousin."
...
"Wait, your wife was also your cousin?!" Spike blurted.
"Don't interrupt," Tywin silenced him.
"Oh, sorry."
...
When we came back to his chambers, we saw Aerys sitting on a small dining table with five serving girls standing beside him. "Ah, there are my cupbearers; and I see you've brought the wine as well. Come, sit with your future king. For tonight, we shall eat and drink like kings and lords."
When we sat down, the serving girls poured us some of the wine and then started to hand out fruit. But when one of them handed Aerys an orange, that's when we saw a different side of him. "What's your name?"
"Rhianna."
"Rhianna, so tell me, what is this?"
"An orange."
"I can see that, but what do you see on the orange?"
"It...looks like a bruise."
"'It looks like a bruise', now tell me something, Rhianna. Did I ask for a bruised orange?"
"I don't..."
"DID I ASK FOR A BRUISED ORANGE ?!" the girls who were onced charmed by this young prince had suddenly found themselves dreading him. "DID I OR DID I NOT ?!"
"No."
"No, I did not! So you better get out of my sight, before I shove this orange down your fucking throat!" as the girl started to run, Aerys had thrown the orange--almost hitting her. He then turned to the other girls and said, "And what're you all still doing here?! Get out!" and as soon as he left, he somehow regained his composure and said, "Sorry you two had to see that, it's just that it's hard to get good servants these days. You two however seem different; are you two just natural born servants?"
Steffon was the first to speak, "Uh, not exactly, Your..."
"Please, I maybe the future king, but you don't have to bother with titles at the moment. So until then, you two can refer to me as Aerys."
"OK Aerys," said Steffon, "Anyway, Tywin and I are actually both heirs as well."
"Really? If you're both heirs, then how come you're both serving in King's Landing?"
"Because my father says that I need to be around other lords, if I'm gonna be Lord of Storms End."
"Fascinating, and what about you my stern friend?"
"I'm here as punishment for openly defying my father in front of his vassals."
"Ah yes, I've heard of your father. They call him the Laughing Lion; and I'm guessing that makes you the Lion who never Laughs." he and Steffon both shared a laugh while I made no sound in response. "What do you know, you really don't laugh after all."
"And why should I laugh?! Nearly everytime someone mentions the name Lannister, everybody starts laughing! If I were Lord of Casrterly Rock, I would see to it they never laugh again!"
"I know how you feel Tywin," said Aerys, "Sometimes I wish I can be king already, just so I can undo my grandfather's mistakes."
"What would you do?" asked Steffon.
"For starters, my grandfather has been giving too much power to the commoners. When I become king, the first thing I'm gonna do is give the High Lords their rights back and put the smallfolk back in their place. And maybe, just maybe, I can finally put an end to that ridiculous sister fucking tradition of ours."
"But isn't marrying your sister suppose to keep your bloodline pure?" I asked.
"Oh that's just a myth. Besides, if becoming king requires you to fuck your own sister, would you be thrilled about it? Of course not; but anyway, just wait and see. When I'm king, everyone will remember me the most. And after my reign has ended, I shall be remembered as Aerys the Wise or Aerys the Great."
Steffon then said as a joke, "And who knows? Maybe after your glorious reign, a Baratheon might sit the Iron Throne."
Aerys--surprisingly--found that funny, as he said, "A Baratheon sitting the Iron Throne! Yeah, and Lannisters shit gold!" the both of them laugh some more, while I remained silent. Aerys then said, "Seven Hells, Tywin, isn't there anything that can make you happy?"
"The only thing that'll make me happy is the sight of everyone fearing the Lion as before."
This was when Aerys raised his glass and said, "Cupbearers, raise your glasses." we both raised them as Aerys made a toast that would forever change our lives. "A toast to this wonderful friendship between Aerys of the House Targaryen, Steffon of the House Baratheon, and Tywin of the House Lannister. May we one day achieve our lifetime goals, and may our enemies tremble with Fire and Blood!"
"Ours is the Fury!"
"Hear Me Roar!"
And as we sipped our wine, it would be the beginning of a strong friendship.
...
"...And that friendship would become useful when we fought in the War of the Ninepenny Kings. And after that war, Steffon would become Lord of Storm's End, Aerys would become King of the Seven Kingdoms, and I would soon put my family back in its rightful place. The important thing to remember Spike is that just because you're a servant right now, doesn't mean you'll be a servant forever. Before you can ever become a lord like me, you have to start at the bottom. And when your time finally comes, I'll see to it that these ponies give you the respect that you deserve. Now go gather two brooms; this mess won't clean itself."
As they were both cleaning the mess together, Spike said, "Did that Aerys guy become remembered like he dreamed of?"
"Oh he did become remembered, just not the way he expected."
"How did they remember him?"
"That's a story for a different time."
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
The next morning, Tywin had risen from bed and sat upon his dinner table, waiting for Spike to bring his food. Spike then came in, holding a plate full of waffles. When he placed them on the table, Tywin said, "Pancakes again?"
"Oh no, these are waffles," Spike explained, "They're kinda like pancakes, only slightly different. Oops, almost forgot the syrup again." after pouring some syrup onto the waffles, Tywin took his utensils and commenced to breaking his fast.
As he was having his fill, he asked Spike, "Does the princess have anything to go over now?"
"Well she does have an appointment with the Mayor of Ponyville."
"And what pray tell is a Mayor?"
"She's the one who runs Ponyville."
Tywin almost choked after hearing that statement (but since he's already dead, he had no reason to worry about that). He just swallowed the piece of waffle as he said, "How can this Mayor be the one running this town, if Twilight Sparkle is the princess?!"
"Well just because she's a princess that doesn't give her complete authority over this town."
"Of course it does; if she's the princess, that gives her complete control over this place!"
"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you Tywin, but the Mayor kinda has more authority over this town than Twilight."
"Then it would seem that I must do something about this Mayor."
"But how?"
"That's just the problem; back in my world, any dispute over power can be solved with an army. But in order to gain an army, I need money in order to pay them. And all the gold I had are back in the mines of Casterly Rock; which means that I'm broke for the time being. So there has to be a way for me to make more money in a matter of seconds."
"You can always get a job."
"Like a respectable lord such as myself will ever go back to manually serving someone."
"You can sell some stuff."
"And what will these ponies possibly consider valuable?"
"Well, diamonds and gems are in very high demand these days. One time I gave a tiny gemstone to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and they were able to buy an industrial sized hair-dryer with it."
"You mean that even one tiny diamond can be worth a million to these ponies?"
"Oh yeah, in fact if you were to have a big cart full of them, you'd probably be the richest person in Equestria."
Tywin was beginning to get into deep thought on this. "And just where can one find any gems?"
"Over near the mountains; I sometimes go there whenever Rarity needs gems for a dress."
And that's when Tywin came up with a foolproof plan. "All right Spike, here's what I need you to do. While I accompany Princess Twilight to meet this Mayor, I need you to go and find as many gems you can get."
"OK, but I should warn you that I do tend to eat some of the gems."
"If you can get me enough to buy all the castles in this world, I'll let you eat some of them."
"All right Tywin, I won't let you down!" with that said, Spike rushed onward to collect the gems, while Tywin went off with Twilight.
As they were entering town hall, Twilight said, "I don't really understand why you need to accompany me."
And Tywin told her, "Because as your Hand, it's my sworn duty to make sure you're not doing anything stupid."
"I'm just talking to the Mayor of Ponyville."
"Exactly. Anybody who thinks they're in control is somebody you should worry about."
That's when they both met the tanned fured, grey haired, glasses wearing earth pony simply known as the Mayor. "Hello Princess Twilight, and just who might your new friend be?"
"Mayor, this is Tywin Lannister; he's my new advisor."
"Well it's an honor to meet you, sir." she extended her hoof to him, in which he simply turned down in response.
"That's 'my lord' to you. And just who do you think you are thinking you control this village?"
"I'm the Mayor of Ponyville, my lord. Therefore, keeping this town under control is my responsibility."
"Last time I checked, Twilight Sparkle is the princess, not you. Which means you can only have power if the princess were to give it to you."
"Well I was Mayor before she became a princess, and..."
"She's a princess now, and therefore there's no longer any more use for you. So if I were you, I'd put an end to this ridiculous misconception, and leave the authority of this village to the real ruler."
As Twilight was pushing him away, she said to the Mayor, "I'm terribly sorry, I promise I won't bring him with me next time." when they were out of town hall, she turned to him and said, "Tywin, what the hay?! Did you have any idea who you were just talking to?!"
"Of course I do," said Tywin, "I was talking to a pretender who thinks she's the one who rules this village."
"That's because she is; her job as Mayor is to run Ponyville!"
"You're the princess, therefore you have more authority over her."
"Just because I'm a princess doesn't give me the right to overthrow a political figure!"
"Of course it does, all you have to do is say one word, and that pretender's power over this place will be removed."
"Not without the approval of Celestia; if Ponyville really didn't need the Mayor, then Celestia would've told me by now!"
While this was going on, Tywin saw Spike dragging a wagon with a pile of gems the size of a mountain! He then decided to end his conversation, "Very well princess, go on and speak with that pretender on your own; I got more important matters to attend to."
When they went back to his chambers, Tywin was looking over the pile of gems that stood before him. "How many are there in total?"
"Well, I practically got every single gem that could ever be dug up, so I would have to say about...1,530,076."
"This ought to be enough; but who should I sell it to?"
"You can try Filthy Rich, he's the richest citizen in Ponyville."
"I suppose he'll have to do. As for you Spike, you can go ahead and eat the other 530,076 gems; I'll only need one million." and so while Spike stayed and chowed down on some gems, Tywin went off to sell the rest.
Meanwhile, Filthy Rich was counting his stocks when one of his butlers came in and said, "Pardon me sure, but there's somepony who wishes to make a proposition with you."
His pupils quickly turned into dollar signs as he said, "Very well, send him in." and that's when he saw Tywin walking towards him, "Hello my dear sir, and who might you be?"
"I'm Tywin Lannister, Lord Tywin Lannister. I'm the Hand of Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I'd like to sell you some valuable items."
"Well Lord Tywin, what do you have to offer?" Tywin then pulled out twenty gems out of his pocket and placed them upon Filthy Riches desk. "Well, I can give you two thousand bits for them."
"Oh no, that's only part of what I'm selling; the rest are right behind you."
Filthy Rich looked out the window and his jaw opened like a cash register when he saw the mountain of gems before him. "Well Lord Tywin, I must say you got enough gems to buy all of Equestria!"
"So how much are they worth to you?"
"Well, I can probably settle with ten thousand bits. Although, I'm not really sure that I might have that much use for them."
Being the clever scam artist that he was born to be, Tywin attempted to use his skills as a Lannister to swindle Filthy Rich out of more money. "Do you have children?"
"Oh yes, I have a daughter. My little Diamond Tiara." he then showed him a picture of her.
Cersei would've loved to have her for a pet . "Do you like making your daughter happy?"
"Oh yes, all the money in the world is nothing compared to seeing my little Diamond happy."
We'll see about that . "Then how happy would she be if you were to give her a tiara made out of real gems? Or perhaps a room encrusted with gems? Or maybe a gem embedded dress to attend a royal wedding?"
"You know something, you're right; my Diamond will love these gems! So why don't we settle the deal on a million bits?"
"Now Mr. Rich, I was under the impression that you were the richest citizen in this village."
"Of course I am. I'm not afraid of running out of money; I have plenty. Which is why I'll give you ten million bits. Deal?"
"Deal."
As a giant bag full of bits were being handed to Tywin, Filthy Rich said, "I think this may be the birth of a beautiful business proposition. I just hope you can still keep me in supply."
"No need to worry about that. A Lannister always pays his debts."
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
When Spike had finished eating all the gemstones, Tywin had came in dragging a giant bag full of bits. When the bag got stuck through the door, Tywin pulled it with all his strength and said, "Spike, get me a hand with this bag."
Spike slid his chair away and the second he grabbed hold of the bag and pulled it back, it was sent crashing into the room and all the bits in it were scattered all over the floor. "Gees, Tywin, did you rob every bank in Equestria?"
"I'm in no mood for jokes, Spike."
You're never in the mood for jokes . "So what do you plan on doing with all this money?"
"Simple, with all this money I can be able to hire my own personal guard."
"What would you need a personal guard for?"
"Because when I spoke to the Mayor, I made it clear that I was going to be her enemy. She'll probably send some assassins to get rid of me, so I'll need all the protection that money can buy."
"But you're already dead; so what difference does it make if somepony does try to kill you?"
"That may be the case, but in order for me to overthrow this pretender, I must have needs of an army. But who in this village can be fit for fighting?"
"Anypony in particular?"
"An army requires strong arms; so I'm going to need somebody that's blessed with an unusual amount of strength."
"Well, there's Big Macintosh: he's strong enough to pull a house and a cart carrying anvils that's being pulled by bulls (although cake seems to be the only thing that's too heavy for him for some reason)."
"And where may I find this Macintosh?"
"He and Applejack mostly handle everything over at Sweet Apple Acres most of the time, so chances are he might be there."
"Very well, take me to him."
Meanwhile, over at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack had just finished bucking every apple tree as she and Big Mac were preparing themselves to carry the barrels full of apples back to the house. But before they could even get started, that's when Applejack saw Spike and Tywin coming over. "Well howdy there Spike and Tywin, what brings y'all here?"
"Nothing much," Spike said, "We were wondering if you could use any help?"
Tywin was about to correct Spike, "That's not why..."
"Aw shoot, of course ya can!" Applejack interrupted, "You can help Apple Bloom peel the skin off, and you--my lord--can help Big Mac here carry the apples."
"All right!" as Spike was about to go help Apple Bloom, he whispered to Tywin, "Trust me, this is the only way you can ever talk to him."
Not even bothering to argue, Tywin just went ahead and started to carry barrels with Big Mac. After bringing about ten barrels over to the house, Big Mac turned to Tywin and said, "You sure that ain't too much work fer ya, gramps?"
"First of all, my name is Tywin--Lord Tywin to you. And second, just because I'm old doesn't mean that I'm incapable of performing some form of manual labor. And I should know, I once skinned and gutted a stag on my own." when they went to carry more barrels, Tywin attempted to make his proposition. "Now Big Macintosh, there's a matter I like to discuss with you..."
"No need ta be formal when addressin' me, you can just refer ta me as Big Mac. Second, whatever it is you have ta tell me can wait till after supper (because the less we talk now, the quicker we can get this done)."
While this was happening, Spike was taking apples out of the barrel and peeling their skins off with his claws, while Apple Bloom took the peeled apples and washed them in a sink. "So who's that old geezer ya hangin' with, Spike?"
"That's Tywin Lannister; he's Twilight's Hand."
"And what does he do, exactly?"
"He's basically an advisor."
Apple Bloom let out a soft chuckle as she said, "I can't imagine Twilight enjoyin' havin' somepony tell her what ta do."
"Yeah, she wasn't exactly thrilled about it, but Celestia didn't really give her much of a choice."
"Where did he even come from?"
"Some place called Wester-oats; all I know is that he was a lord where he came from."
"And just how did a lord end up in a place like this?"
"I kinda assumed that he came the same way Jeffrie and the guys did, but it turns out he's actually dead."
Apple Bloom almost squished the apple she was washing after hearing that statement. "Wait, wait, wait! He's dead?! How do ya know that?!"
"Because yesterday, I saw him shove a knife into his eye, and when he pulled it out, it magically healed itself."
"There's no way that's possible; this has ta be some sort of trick."
"Then why don't you and the crusaders try to prove it wrong? Maybe you can get your Cutie Marks in mythbusting."
"Cutie Mark Crusader Mythbusters...that does have a nice ring ta it."
...
When nightfall had finally come, everyone had gathered to the table for the delicious meal that awaited them. As Tywin was about to sit down, he saw a frail, old earth pony with green fur and white hair, walk in with an apple pie and said, "I hope y'all are hungry, because we got ourselves a meal fit fer a king." when she placed the pie on the table, that's when she finally noticed Tywin. She slid her hoof up to his thigh and said, "And just who might this tall drink of water be?"
"That there's Lord Tywin, Granny." Applejack explained. "He's Twilight's new advisor."
"Well color my flank with mayonaise!" cried Granny. "I never would've thought that I'd ever be dinin' with royalty!" she then started to firmly pinch a cheek of his ass. Great, just what I need, an old pony who wishes to whore herself to me . And just as if he couldn't be anymore uncomfortable, he had the misfortune of having to sit next to her. While she was rubbing his thigh underneath the table, she attempted to flirt with him. "So what brings a tall, handsome fella like you over ta Sweet Apple Acres? Come ta court a pretty little thing like me?"
He then removed her hoof and said, "I have come here for some business, unfortunately it doesn't involve you. If anything it involves Big Mac."
"Me?" Big Mac asked while chewing on a piece of pie.
Tywin then took the time to make his proposition. "As you might've heard, I'm Twilight Sparkle's Hand (which means that I'm very powerful). And circumstances being that they are, I'm in need of a personal guard. Which is why I'd like for you to serve me."
"What are you offerin' exactly?"
Spike decided to translate for him, "He wants to hire you to be his bodyguard."
"Me, a bodyguard? Now Lord Tywin, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not exactly the protectin' type."
"And why not?" asked Tywin, "You have the strength to carry barrels full of apples, so in a way that makes you more than qualified."
"Well even if I want ta work fer you, my family business is sort of in need of me. How can my sister sell apples if I don't carry them fer her?"
"Because whatever you make selling apples, I can double it." he then tossed a small bag of some of the bits onto the table. "There's more back at the castle."
After gazing at the bits for awhile, he looked back at Tywin and said, "Sorry Lord Tywin, but I'm afraid that my family comes first." realizing that there was no way of talking him into his services, Tywin took his bag of bits back and silently ate the meal that was before him.
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
That day, Tywin was sitting upon his desk in a brooding manner after his failure to recruit Big Mac to his personal guard. He felt so abjected by it that he lost the urge to break his fast that morning. (But seeing as how even Tywin didn't want to see a good meal go to waste, he decided to let Spike eat it instead.)
As Spike was making good use of this meal, he felt that he should at least try to lift up abit of Tywin's spirit for this generous reward. "Sorry that things didn't go as you planned. Although you can't really blame Big Mac for picking his family over you; they just need him more than you."
"Who said that I needed him?" Tywin turned his chair around to look at Spike. "That lummox clearly would've let his emotions get in the way of his judgement; so it's really a good thing that I didn't waste any of that gold on him."
"But didn't you say that you need strong ponies like him in your guard?"
"Yes, but I also need someone who would follow my commands without any objections. If I were to tell Big Mac to kill somebody, his conscience would've prevented him from obeying my order. I do need strong arms, Spike, but I also need guards that would do as I say without stopping to ask questions." times like this I wish that Gregor Clegane was brought here with me .
"You mean like Bulk Biceps?"
This sparked Tywin's interest like a candle. "What about him?"
In between stuffing food in his mouth, Spike was able to give him a full description. "Bulk Biceps is this really muscular pegasus pony who makes Big Mac look tiny by comparrison."
"And does this Bulk Biceps ever stop to question his actions?"
"Not exactly. He mostly just likes to burst through walls and shout; so it's really safe to say that he's not the thinking type."
"And where might I find him?"
"Well the last time I saw him was over at the spa; chances are he might still be there."
"Then we better recruit him as soon as possible; I already lost my opportunity with Big Mac, I'll be damned if I lose this one as well."
He stuffed his pockets with little bags of bits as he and Spike were preparing themselves for their next mission. But it would seem that would have to wait when they heard Twilight say, "Tywin, can I speak with you for a moment?"
He let out an annoyed sigh as he tried to regain his composure and hide his true emotions with that blank expression of his. He and Spike walked into the council chamber and saw Twilight sitting upon her throne. "You called, Your Grace?"
He thought that flattery might be able to win her over, but even that wasn't enough to get rid of the scowl that was on her face. "Tywin, what you did yesterday was very inexcusable. As my servant you should know better than to be speaking against your superiors; especially if it's the Mayor."
"That was no superior, that was just a pretender who thinks she has more control over this place."
"That's because she does; she's the Mayor for Celestia's sake!"
"And you're a princess; which means that you have much more power over this little village than that pretender will ever have."
"Look Tywin, just because you're my advisor, it doesn't mean that you can tell me how to do things around here."
Spike then pointed out, "But isn't telling you what to do the main purpose of an advisor?"
"Shut up, Spike! This has nothing to do with you!"
After that little outburst Twilight made, Tywin was slowly starting to tense up as well. "Don't speak that way to him; if he has something to say, then he has every right to speak his mind."
"Right?! What right?! He's a servant; he's not even on the same level as you and I!"
"Only because you choose to keep him that way! That's right, he's told me about how you and the rest of your lot keep looking down on him. And even after he's proven to be just as capable as you, you still insist on making him your servant instead of your equal. Where I come from he would've been granted a lordship at this point. Well mark my words Twilight Sparkle, that by my name as a Lannister, I shall see to it that you and the rest of these ponies give Spike the proper respect that you've been denying him all his life!"
Twilight then rose from her throne and said, "How dare you speak to me that way? Have you forgotten just who I am? I am Princess Twilight Sparkle; I have power, you don't! And yet it seems that you've forgotten your own position. Which is why I've thought of a perfect punishment that'll put you back in your place."
"And what exactly do you have in mind?"
"Cheerilee needs to attend a family reunion, which is why I'm sending you over to the school to teach her students until she comes back."
"With all due respect, Princess, I have much more important matters to attend to than looking after children."
"Well you should've thought about that before you decided to defy me. Spike had to learn his place, and you can bet that you'll learn yours."
Right when Tywin was about to argue some more, Spike stopped him as he whispered, "Don't make it worse. Let's just go over to the school and be done with it before she decides to delay you even further." and so swallowing his pride, Tywin turned around and allowed Twilight to have the satisfaction of victory over him.
As they were both heading to the school, Spike noticed that Tywin was unusually grumpy after his little confrontation with Twilight. "Come on Tywin, it could've been worse."
"Nothing can be worse than having to kiss the foot of some naive, little cunt like her! (And after serving Joffrey, I should know by now.)"
"I agree that there are moments where Twilight tends to take too much advantage of her authority, but after all these years of serving her, I eventually learned that Twilight always gets her way in the end."
"Why must you put up with her? Why don't you ever stand up and show her just how dangerous it can be to push a dragon around?"
"Because if it wasn't for her, I'd still be an egg right now. She might take me for granted, but she still gave me life, and I have to be grateful for that. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I wonder what my life would be like if Celestia had just sent me back to my actual family, but she instead decided to give me to Twilight."
"Ah, so you're a bastard."
"A what?"
"In Westeros, we have a name for people who never get to be with their real family: bastards. You have dragon parents, but you instead were raised by ponies. Which makes you a bastard."
"Let me guess, these 'bastards' are pretty much looked down upon as much as these ponies look down at me, right?"
"It's true that bastards tend to never get anywhere in life, but it's a real rarity when a bastard's mother or father decide to let him be apart of his family. But it's even more rare that a bastard becomes legitimize. When Twilight took you in, did she allow you to go by her family name?"
"No, just because she allowed me to live with her family didn't necessarily meant that she'd let me be a part of her family."
"Then it would seem that the reason behind your problems is because you're still considered a bastard; and until you become legitimize, these ponies will never look upon you as their equal."
"Well I seriously doubt that Twilight will willingly give me that honor."
"No, she clearly wants you to remain in your current position. Which is why we need to remove her from her position as well."
"You mean you're planning on overthrowing the Mayor and Twilight?"
"The Mayor stopped having power over this village since Twilight was crowned princess, but Twilight however seems to be unfit for such responsibility. So not only must we rid Ponyville of that pretender, we also got to set some limitations over Twilight."
"OK, let's say for the sake of argument that both your plans work. You've removed the Mayor from power, and you also took away some of Twilight's authority as well. What then? What have you possibly gained from all this?"
"If I were to succeed in both plans, I would gain complete control over this village and get you one step closer to immortality."
"OK, but why though?"
"Because intelligent people like you and I should never have to bend our knees to fools who have no business in having power to begin with. And the sooner we get this punishment over with, the faster we can get these plans underway."
The second they stepped inside the school, they were immediately greeted by Cheerilee. "Oh good, you're here! Princess Twilight said she'd send somepony over; and for a minute I thought you'd never show up." she then turned to all her students. "OK students, this is..."
"Tywin Lannister."
"Right," Cheerilee continued, "Mr. Lannister's going to be substituting for me today, and I expect you all to be on your best behavior." she then turned to Tywin. "Here's a list of things to do until I come back, but it shouldn't be long though." as she was walking out the door, she whispered to Spike, "And be sure to send Princess Twilight my regards."
When she was gone, the whole room suddenly went silent. As Tywin was examining the classroom, he noticed that Apple Bloom was amongst one of them, including Diamond Tiara (who is wearing a tiara, necklace, bracelets, and a pair of sunglasses that were completely made out of the gems he sold to her father). After that uncomfortable silence, Tywin looked at the list and whispered to Spike, "What does this mean?"
Spike looked at the sentence that reads "Tell a story." and whispered in response, "Just read them a book."
Seeing as how Tywin's clearly new at this, Spike went and got him the only book that was in the classroom. Tywin looked in disgust at the pink picture book with the glitterly title: Puppy Goo-Goo. "Isn't there another book I can read?"
"Sorry Tywin, but that's the only one this school has."
With that said, Tywin sat himself down as he opened the book and read to the students--while he cringed inside. "There once was a puppy named Goo-Goo, with a nose of blue, who loves to chew." Seven Hells, it's going to be those stories that rhymes, isn't it ?! "He chewed on his owners horseshoe, whose name was Hugh." who wrote this ?! "Hugh then yelled at Puppy Goo-Goo, which caused him to cry boo-hoo." these sentences are killing me ! "So Hugh pet Puppy Goo-Goo and said, 'Don't cry Goo-Goo, for I will always love...'" before he could finish that verse, he slammed the book and tossed it out the window! "I'm sorry, but I just could not read that atrocity any further! So until your teacher comes back, I shall tell you all tales that are far more interesting than...'Puppy Goo-Goo'!" he said those last words with the same bitter sensation he felt when he called Tyrion his son.
A silver pony with pig tails and glasses asked him, "And like what does an old man like you know that's more interesting?"
"You happen to be in the presence of Tywin of House Lannister: Lord of Casterly Rock, Warden of the West, Shield of Lannisport, and Hand of the King."
He noticed an orange pegasus whispering to Apple Bloom, "Gee, this guy doesn't sound pretentious at all."
Tywin decided to call her out. "You have something you like to say to me?"
When she was in direct contact of his cold gaze, the orange pegasus nervously said, "Uh...where did you come from?"
"I come from a land known as Westeros: a world that consisted of Seven Kingdoms that were all ruled by one king. I lived in Casterly Rock--which resided in the Westerlands."
A white unicorn then asked, "What was your home like?"
"Casterly Rock is a giant mountain that towers over Lannisport and overlooks the Sunset Sea; if you were to see it from a distance, then it would give the illusion that it's really a giant lion rather than a big chunk of rock. Originally it once belonged to House Casterly, but it would forever become the ancestral home of House Lannister when my ancestor, Lann the Clever, was able to use his wits to drive House Casterly out of it. For a time we Lannisters had ruled over the Westerlands as King of the Rock, but that would soon end when Aegon Targaryen and his sisters--with the help of their dragons--had taken over nearly all of Westeros. And in the end, House Targaryen would rule as King of the Seven Kingdoms, while House Lannister was reduced to Warden of the West."
A grey pegasus then asked, "Did you fight in any battles?"
"As a matter of fact, I did. My first taste of battle was during the War of the Ninepenny Kings; I was but a man grown of eight-and-ten when I squired beside my brothers and my boyhood friends. We mostly had to stand around shining armor and weapons while real knights were either drinking or breaking their fast, but in the end we all gained needs experience that would prove useful to us later on."
That was when Diamond Tiara decided to challenge him. "Now wait a minute, first off, when you said 'man grown', shouldn't that have been grown man? Also, what's eight-and-ten?"
"It's a way of saying eighteen."
"Then why didn't you say eighteen? Furthermore, was the 'needs' really necessary when you said you'd gained experience? Wouldn't it make more sense to just leave it out. And for that matter, when was the last time anypony said 'breaking their fast'? I can see that you're old, but I didn't think that you were born in the 1300's!"
The second she started to laugh, Tywin had stepped towards her and leaned closer to her. With that cold stare of his, he said to her, "You're Filthy Rich's daughter, aren't you?"
"How'd you know?"
"Because you're wearing the gems that I supplied your father with."
"Really, well thank you so much!"
"You like them, don't you?"
"Like them? I adore them! I couldn't possibly live without these beautiful gems!"
"Then unless you want me to stop supplying your father with any more gems, the next words that come out of your mouth better be a question instead of an insult!"
She had then sinked down in a submissive manner as she said timidly, "Uh...were you ever married?"
And Tyrion thinks that physical abuse is the only way to handle a spoiled brat . "Aye, her name was Joanna Lannister; she was my cousin, and the most beautiful woman in all the Seven Kingdoms."
Apple Bloom then interrupted him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you married yer cousin?! Ugh, that's gross! Ya can't marry yer cousin!"
"Why not? It's not like I was marrying the way the Targaryens wed eachother."
"And how do they wed eachother?"
"By making the brother and sister, husband and wife." upon mentioning this, all the students look like they were about to throw-up as that image was slowly processing through their brains. "Would any of you wish for me to discuss something else?"
That's when Spike requested, "What about the Reynes and the Tarbecks; how were you able to stop them from taking over?"
Tywin decided to sit back down as he said, "As much as I'd like to skip straight to their fates, it's seems more fitting to start at the beginning..."
...
Upon our arrival to Casterly Rock, my father was both surprised and thrilled to see us return. "Tywin, Kevan, Tygett! Thank the Seven you're still alive!"
"That's right Father, we're back," I told him, "And after getting a taste of battle, I shall finally be able to restore House Lannister to it's rightful place."
"Now Tywin, we've been over this already; I'm the Lord of Casterly Rock."
"Yes, the same lord who hid behind the rock while his own sons were bleeding in battle."
"I was too distraught over your mother's passing to join in the war; you understand?"
"Aye, I understand all right. I understand that you're a weak-willed coward who does nothing but laugh and let's his own bannermen do as they please! But not this time. I will put those impudent vassals back in their place, and this time you're not going to send me back to King's Landing as some cupbearer!"
My father had every right to object, but being the weakling that he is, he ended his feeble argument and went back to his chambers. As he did so, I immediatley took command. "All right, it's time for us to make our first move. Kevan, I'm giving you command of five hundred knights to rid the Westerlands of any robber knights. And as for you Tygett, send forth for Ser Harys Swyft; I need him to send a message to our bannermen."
While this was happening, Lord Roger Reyne was having a feast when Ser Harys Swyft had entered the halls of Castamere. "Ah, Ser Harys," Lord Roger greeted him, "Come and join us!"
"I'm afraid I can't stay for long," said Ser Harys, "I need to send my daughter to Casterly Rock as soon as I'm finished delivering these messages."
"What messages?"
Ser Harys handed Lord Reyne a parchment with our House seal on it as he said, "The Lion has awoken."
As soon as he left, Lord Reyne opened the parchment and read the message for all to hear:
To all the bannermen of House Lannister, you shall all immediately repay your debts to your liege lord as soon as you receive this message. If you're unable to repay at the moment, then you shall surrender a hostage until such time you're able to fulfill your obligation to Casterly Rock. Failure to comply to any of these commands shall result in dire consequences.
Tywin Lannister.
The sound of Lord Reynes laughter could be heard all over Castamere after reading my message. "The little lion cub survives a war and now he thinks he's Lord of Casterly Rock!"
His brother, Reynard Reyne, said to him, "Shouldn't we follow his demands?"
"He's a boy, Reynard! He may have a stronger spine than his father, but he's still a boy. In fact, let's send a message of our own."
True to his word, Lord Reyne had sent messages all over the Westerlands that advised them to ignore my demands. But when word of this had reached Lord Tarbeck, he thought of doing a different action. "It would seem that Tytos hasn't put that little cub of his in line; looks like I'm going to have to put an end to this myself."
"You think that's wise?" Ellyn Reyne questioned him. "My brother did advise us to just ignore these commands after all."
"And it's probably what the little cub wants," Lord Tarbeck declared, "If we just sit here and do nothing, he'll think that we're afraid of him. And there's no way that I'm going to let some pampered little brat like him intimidate me. Besides, all I got to do is talk to his father and this'll seem to have never happen."
He was so sure that he can simply put an end to this, that he had ridden all the way to Casterly Rock--without his personal guard. As he was stepping into the great hall, he immediately called for my father. "Tytos, you mind explaining why your son sent me this order?" his confident smirk had turned into a look of dread when he saw just who it was he was talking to.
"Ah, Lord Tarbeck," I said, "I trust that you've come to settle your debt?" he stared at me in complete silence. "Or perhaps you've come to give over a hostage until you can repay your debt?" his whole body had frozen in complete fear. "No, you haven't come to do any of those things, have you?" the second his sweat had touched the floor, I immediatley had my guards seize him at once. "Walderran Tarbeck, for your disloyalty to your liege lord, you shall be held prisoner until you finally remember your place! Throw him in the dungeon!"
As he was being dragged away, he shouted, "Tywin, when word of this reaches Tarbeck Hall, your House will pay dearly for this!"
"I highly doubt that; because unlike you and everyone else, a Lannister always pays his debts." that was the first time I ever said those words--nor would it be the last.
Word eventually did reach to Tarbeck Hall, and when Ellyn Reyne had learned of her husbands predicament, she realized just how much of a threat I pose. "So Tytos's cub wants to bully us into submitting. Very well, if that's how he wants to play, then so be it." she then turned to her knights and ordered them. "March to Lannisport and capture as many Lannisters that you can."
One of her knights asked, "Is that wise, Lady Tarbeck?"
"If I could make Tytos feel like less of a man, then I can make his little cub feel like less of a lion. Now go!" true to her word, her knights had succeeded in capturing three Lannisters and she was sure that my father would give in to her demands.
When my father realized what has happened, he immediately rushed into the great hall to find me, Kevan, and Tygett reading a message that Ellyn Reyne had sent. "Tywin, what have you done?! Why is Lord Tarbeck locked in a cell?! And what does that message say?!" Kevan read it out to him:
If you're reading this, I have three relatives of yours held prisoner. Unless you want me to send you their heads, you'll send back my husband-- unharmed.
Lady Tarbeck.
Upon reading this, I was the first to respond. "Very well, we'll send him back to her. For every Lannister they have, we shall send that cunt a piece of her husband."
But my father had quickly objected, "No, you've caused enough trouble already, Tywin! I don't need you to make it worse! Guards, release Lord Tarbeck at once!" the second he was released, my father tried his best to apologize, "I'm sorry for what my son did; to show that I mean no ill-will, I shall be more than glad to pardon your debt to House Lannister."
"Thank you, Tytos," Walderran said with that smug smirk of his. "I knew I could count on you to set things right."
The second he left, I immediately lashed out at him, "Father, what in Seven Hells did you do?!"
"I just prevented a war that you almost caused."
"You just pardoned one of your enemies; now all of Westeros will think that we're forgivers!"
"And that's a good thing; because the last thing we need are enemies. And besides, they had three relatives of ours captive. If I didn't follow Lady Tarbeck's demand, she would've killed them."
"We have an army you feeble nitwit; we could've gotten them back through force! But thanks to you, our House is now back to where it was before!"
"Tywin, you might not always agree with my actions, but I'm still Lord of Caster..." I slapped him across the face so hard that he fell to his knees.
As he looked up at me, I told him just how I truly felt about him, "You're no lord, you're about as fit to be a lord as a pig farmer is to be a knight. The problem with you is that you only see good in people; if you weren't so blind by your opulence, you can see just what a complete disgrace you are to the Lannister name. I might not be Lord of Casterly Rock at the moment, but one way or another, I'll bring this House back to its former glory rather you like it or not."
...
"...I might not have succeeded at first, but the next time I did. And that will be a story for another time."
Right when he finished telling his story, Cheerilee had finally came back. "Hi, I'm back. I hope my students weren't too much trouble."
"No, they were rather obedient than I expected. Now if you'll excuse me, Spike and I have other matters to attend to."
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
After getting his little punishment over with, he and Spike had made their way straight to the spa. The second they entered, they were both greeted by pony twins. (One was blue with pink hair, and the other was pink with blue hair.) The blue pony was the first to greet them, "Hello, welcome to the spa. How may we assist you?"
"I wish to speak with one of your workers." Tywin requested.
"Anypony in mind?"
"Bulk Biceps."
The pink one then said, "Oh, well he should be ready in a few seconds."
As soon as she said that, there came a loud, crashing noise that came from behind. They turned around and saw a very muscular, white pegasus with short, spiked-up blonde hair shouting, "Yeah, quiting time!"
Standing next to him was this blue minotaur who was cracking the bones in his body as he said achingly, "Iron Will's gonna feel that in the morning."
After laying eyes upon the six-foot cow, Tywin whispered to Spike, "Who's that?"
"Oh, that's just Iron Will; he used to have this big business that involved making anypony more assertive, and it hasn't been doing so well since Fluttershy wasn't satisfied."
Someone who's desperate for money should be easy to buy over . Knowing that both of them could prove useful, Tywin walked up to them and said, "Greetings gentlemen, I was wondering if I may have a word with you two?"
"And just who might you be?" Iron Will asked.
"I'm Tywin Lannister; I'm the Hand of Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I have a business proposition for you two."
"Well Iron Will does love to talk about business."
"So I take it that you two are interested?"
"Yeah!" Bulk Biceps shouted.
"Good, now if you two may follow me back to the castle, the sooner we can get things done."
As soon as they got back, they were all in Tywin's chambers as he was going over the details with Bulk Biceps and Iron Will. "So here's the long and short of it: I need a set of strong arms to bleed for me and vanquish my enemies. You two seem to be the stronger ones in this village, which makes you more than perfect for my personal guard."
"And what exactly will Iron Will will get in return for these services?"
"Yeah, how much are we talking?!"
Tywin then signalled for Spike to open the bag of bits. As soon as he did that, all the bits were flowing across the floor like before. Seeing that he now has both of their attentions, Tywin said, "Serve me and you two shall have enough gold to buy Canterlot itself. Do we have a deal?"
After thinking this over, Iron Will gave him a firm handshake as he told him, "Well Iron Will is running behind on his rent."
"Yeah!" Bulk Biceps then gave Tywin a handshake that would've crushed any man's hand into dust. (But since he's already dead, he won't be able to suffer the pain.) As soon as the both of them had left, Spike asked Tywin, "So what now?"
"Now that I've assembled a personal guard, all that I need now is a Master of Whisperers."
"And what's that?"
"It's like an informer of sorts; someone who can get information over my enemies without anyone noticing. But who around here can be able to give me details of my enemies strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well it can't be me; all Twilight will have to do is make Pinkie interrogate me and then we'll both end up being much worse than we're already are now."
"True, Twilight definitely might suspect you--especially seeing as how you're plotting with me. It's going to have to be somebody who can never be caught even if he were in the same room with Twilight."
"You could try Discord."
"And who pray tell is that?"
"He's this sort of mischievous demon who used to spread chaos but has been reformed eversince. I don't exactly trust him myself, but he's very sneaky and just enjoys making somepony miserable."
"And just where may one find this 'Discord'?"
"Well you can't exactly get to where he actually lives, unless you want to find yourself lost in some void, but he should be over at Fluttershy's cottage tomorrow."
"Fluttershy? Fluttershy...she's the yellow one with the pink hair, am I correct?"
"Yep, that's her."
After a brief contemplation, Tywn rose from his chair and made his decision. "Very well Spike, you and I best get a goodnights sleep. For in the morning we shall pay this Discord a visit."
...
Following the next morning, Apple Bloom was hiding behind a bush with her two friends (the orange pegasus and the white unicorn). Next to them was a tall tree, and upon a long branch stood an anvil that was being held by a single thread of rope. While Apple Bloom was tying the other end, the white unicorn said, "So you really think that old guy can never be killed?"
"Of course not," exclaimed Apple Bloom, "All that stuff Spike said has got ta be made-up; which is why we're gonna prove it."
"And how's an anvil suppose to prove anything?" asked the unicorn.
"Because Sweetie, when it falls on his head, he won't get back up after that."
"I don't think that I want a Cutie Mark that involves murder."
"It ain't murder, it's mythbustin'."
While they were having this conversation, the orange pegasus was looking through a pair of binoculars when she suddenly shouted, "Hey girls, he's coming!"
Far into the distance, Tywin was heading towards Fluttershy's cottage with Spike by his side, and Iron Will and Bulk Biceps walking behind them--wearing gold plated chest armor. As they were walking, Iron Will decided to start a conversation. "Uh, my lord, is there a reason why Iron Will and Biceps need to wear this armor?"
"So that way people can tell that you're guards," Tywin explained, "Wouldn't want everyone to be confused, would we?"
Spike decided to respond with another question, "OK, I can understand why they need armor, but how come you didn't give them weapons?"
"Because we haven't yet reached a situation that'll require swords." as soon as he said that, his whole face was suddenly pummeled by an immense weight of metal!
Upon seeing this, Iron Will and Bulk Biceps were screaming their heads off while Spike just remained calm--what with him knowing that nothing can ever kill Tywin. "Aren't you two going to lift this off him?"
They were both confused after hearing that request. "I'm sorry to say this little dragon, but Iron Will doesn't think that taking that anvil off is going to change much."
"Yeah! And also, I'm a little scared of blood!"
Sweet Celestia, first he's scared of butterflies and now this ? None of what they told him could change Spike's mind. "Just take the bucking anvil off of him already."
As surprised as they were to hear such language coming from some kid, they weren't even prepared for what they're about to witness. The second the both of them had lifted the anvil, they were shocked to see that there were no traces of blood on the ground--or anywhere. But they practically shit themselves when they watched Tywin's crushed face just physically reconstruct itself!
After his face was completely healed, they each heard a voice crying, "Holy Celestia, did you see that?!" and all it took was for Tywin to send his two guards behind the bush and soon enough the three fillies who were behind this were apprehended.
"And just who might you three be?!" Tywin demanded.
The white unicorn was the one who responded, "It's us: Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom. You were at our school yesterday, remember?"
"Ah yes, I remember; not your names, but the fact that I had to waste most of my time looking after all of you."
The pegasus known as Scootaloo then said, "Say Mister..."
"My lord."
"Uh...my lord, you're not gonna tell this to Ms. Cheerilee, are ya?"
"Of course not; I don't serve her and thus have no reason to inform her of this." right when the three of them were confident that Tywin was going easy on them, he then added, "However, I do serve Princess Twilight. And any attempts over the life on one of her servants is just as serious as an attempt over the Princess as well. So until I can discuss the form of punishment for your crime with her, you three shall be held in the dungeon until then."
Before he could even give his guards the order, Spike had quickly attempted to change his mind. "Wait Tywin, don't do it! I understand that you're angry at them, but please don't do this to them!"
"And why shouldn't I? These three were clearly trying to kill me, so it's obvious that they might try it again the first chance they get."
"They weren't trying to kill you on purpose; they just wanted to see if you really couldn't die or not."
"And what might I ask motivated them to do this in the first place?"
Spike knew that Tywin might show absolutely no mercy towards him for this, but he just couldn't bear the thought of these three fillies being locked-up in a cell. So with the little bit of courage that he had, Spike told Tywin the truth. "When you and I had went to Sweet Apple Acres, I might've mentioned to Apple Bloom that you couldn't be killed. She didn't believe me, and I guess that she, Sweetie, and Scootaloo were just trying to prove me wrong." Tywin's death stare was slowly starting to build up. "Now look, I know that normally you wouldn't want to show any mercy to anyone who tries to hurt you, but could you just spare them this once? They've learned their lesson; they understand now that you're not to be messed with. I mean come on Tywin, they're just kids after all."
If something like this was happening over at Westeros, Tywin would've had a person executed even if he were offered all the gold that the Iron Bank could give him. But seeing as how his old life is now gone, and the fact that he's slowly starting to develop abit of a soft spot for Spike, he was able to find it in himself to spare the three fillies. But that however didn't stop him from having a stern talk with Spike.
"Don't you ever expose any information about me to anyone ever again; even if it's with someone your own age!"
"Well technically I'm two years older than them," Spike clarified, "So in a way, that makes me more mature than them." not wanting to waste anymore time, Tywin decided to put this conversation on hold and continue onward to Fluttershy's cottage.
When they finally arrived to the cottage, Tywin had knocked upon the door and was soon greeted by a rabbit. He was about to question this until Spike told him, "Don't try to make sense of this, just go in." so putting the matter aside, Tywin had went inside to find himself being surrounded by a whole army of animals! Amongst these creatures, he was able to see Fluttershy having tea with what looked like some sort of deformed dragon.
"Oh, hello Tywin," Fluttershy greeted him, "I wasn't expecting you to come over."
"So this is the famous Lord Tywin Lannister that you were telling me about?" the deformed dragon asked Fluttershy.
"That I am," said Tywin, "And I assume that you're Discord?"
"Huh, how did you guess?!" Discord asked in a playful manner. "Are you psychic?!"
"No, Spike had simply told me alot about you. Now if you're not too busy at the moment, I'd like to discuss a business proposition with you back at the castle."
Discord suddenly transformed himself into what looks like an old crime boss and said, "Ah, you wish to make me an offer that I can't refuse?" he was hoping for Tywin to smile at this antic, but if he knew anything about him, he would've known that Tywin has little to no sense of humor what so ever. Discord then turned into a psychotic clown and said, "Come on, why so serious? Let's put a smile on that face." with both his fingers, he tried to position Tywin's lips in a way that makes it look like he's smiling. But his lips had went back to a frown in less than a second.
"Are you interested, or not?" Tywin asked in a tone that showed that he was getting annoyed by his antics.
Seeing as how he's dealing with a sourpuss, Discord let out a sigh as he said, "Fine. I'd hate to leave on such sort notice Fluttershy, but it seems that I must discuss business with Mr. Happy over there."
But before any of them had even so much as walked out of the door, Fluttershy said to Tywin, "Wait, there's something I want to give you first." she went into one room and then came back and handed Tywin a lion cub with a red ribbon around its neck. "Do you like it? I heard that you like lions, so I thought I'd give you one as a pet."
As the cub was playfully gnawing on Tywin's suit, he told Fluttershy, "It might be abit of a nuisance, but I suppose I might have some use of it." and without saying anything else, he and the others decided to head on back to the castle.
...
Hours had past eversince Tywin started going over his proposition with Discord. It was starting to get close to night time as Iron Will and Bulk Biceps were standing outside of the chamber--trying their best not to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Spike was just playing with the lion cub while Tywin and Discord were sitting down and discussing his plans.
"So let me get this straight," Discord said to Tywin, "You plan on overthrowing the Mayor, and Twilight Sparkle, and you need my help to accomplish that?"
"Exactly. I need to have information on what they're both up to if I ever plan on being one step ahead of them; and it's come to my attention that you can be able to gather any secrets without being caught."
"Well, not that I like to brag or anything, but I really do have that reputation. But why should I bother helping you?"
"If it's gold that you want, then I shall be more than generous to let you have as much as you like."
"Now Tywin, do I look like the kind of person who'll want to do this for the sake of money? No, I just do it for the fun of it!" he then transformed into a black duck and was shouting "Woohoo!" as he was bouncing all over the place. After that, he looked at Tywin's blank expression and thought to himself, gee, doesn't this guy ever smile ? He soon turned back to himself and asked Tywin, "Anyway, what I want to know is what kind of fun could I possibly gain out of spying on a political figure and a princess?"
Tywin gave him his reason. "If you help me, you'd be having a hand in getting rid of a pretender, and having a powerful princess lose almost all of her authority. And if everything goes according to plan, I'll be able to move up to a more powerful position and be able to get you whatever you desire. What is it that you want most?"
"Well...I'm not really in the mood for anything at the moment. But if I do assist you, then you in turn must do me a small favor; think of it as a personal debt."
"As long as Twilight and that Mayor no longer have any power when this is over, you can feel free to ask me to perform as many favors as you want. Do we have a deal?"
When Discord shook Tywin's hand, he felt a shocking sensation going all over his body. When he released his grip, Discord started to laugh as he said, "Oh, that gag never gets old! Well see ya later Tywin; I got me some ponies to spy on." he then turned into what look like an alien hunter and pressed some buttons that made him invisible.
While Tywin was sitting there with a look that you'd have if you saw a person that just came out from a lunatic asylum, Spike said, "So what'll we do now?"
Tywin was able to break out of that state and said, "Our pieces are now in place, Spike, and now we wait until the right moment to make our move."
As the lion cub was rubbing against Spike, he decided to ask another question, "Say Tywin, what're you gonna name your new pet?"
He thought for awhile until he came up with a fitting name. "Tytan; his name shall be Tytan. And that reminds me, there's still the matter of your punishment that we must discuss."
"Punishment, for what?!"
"For exposing my secret to somebody! I might've promised to let those three fillies go, but that didn't mean you'd go away unpunished as well. So as punishment, you'll be the one to feed Tytan, give him his bath, clean up after him, and train him into a killer. I might've promised to help you to become more than what you are now, but until then you're still my servant. Now get to it."
While Spike just grudingly took Tytan with him for a bubble bath, Tywin went straight to bed as he patiently waited for his opportunity.
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
For months, Tywin Lannister has been patiently waiting for the right moment to strike upon the Mayor and Twilight Sparkle. During those months, the lion cub that Fluttershy gave him had slowly started to grow into a ferocious beast. One day, as Tywin was just sitting upon his table, breaking his fast, Spike was giving Tytan his daily meal. The second he got close to this giant cat, the little dragon soon found himself being wrapped by paws and having his cheek licked. "Tytan, quit it!" he giggled.
Everything seem peaceful today. But just as Tywin was about to take a sip of orange juice, that's when Discord popped in front of him and cried, "Surprise!" and that would end up getting orange juice stains all over his black suit.
Seven Hells, this was my best suit ! He then called out for Spike, "Spike, fetch my red suit for me." after scratching behind Tytan's ear, Spike was able to get loose and went towards the wardrobe. Tywin gave Discord an annoyed scowl and said, "And just what might I ask are you doing here? You're suppose to be spying on the Mayor and Princess Twilight."
"I know that," said Discord. "Which is why I've come back with some juicy information."
"Is that so?" Spike then gave him his red suit. "Well don't be shy, tell me everything."
While Tywin was changing behind a folding screen, Discord transformed into a highschool girl as he told him everything he knows. "Well, I heard that some of the towns ponies aren't too happy with you being here. Some of them are even petitioning for the Mayor to have you evicted from here."
Tywin stepped out of the folding screen and was now donning his red suit. "So the pretender's finally attempting to get rid of me; took a little longer than I expected, but at least she knows that I'm a threat to her position. And what of Princess Twilight?"
"I've been listening in on her little meetings that she has with her friends, and it would seem that she's just as eager to see you gone as well."
"I suppose she supports the Mayor's petition as well?"
"Oh no, she actually doesn't even know about it, yet." this caused Tywin to stop for a moment. "In fact, the Mayor is just about to come over and present the petition to Twilight herself."
Looks like now's the time to act . Upon realizing this, Tywin went up to his desk and took out four documents. "What's with the papers?" Spike asked.
"These papers will help us in getting the Mayor out of Ponyville and removing Princess Twilight from power," Tywin explained to him. "If I can be able to somehow get Twilight to sign them without her knowing their true intention, then we just might be able to succeed in both of those objectives."
"I don't think you'll have much trouble with that," Spike declared. "She never was very good when it comes to focusing or pretty much noticing whenever an answer is right in front of her."
"Go on," Tywin demanded more.
"Well for starters, when she and her friends got infected by poison joke, she looked through every book she had for a cure except for one that she assumed was automatically useless; that is until she learned that that 'useless book' had the cure all along. And one time, I was having to pay off a life debt for Applejack, and when I was telling Twilight about this she didn't even pay attention. Yeah, I was literally telling her that I wasn't going to be in her service for awhile and she acts like it wasn't a big deal. She's very naive that way."
"It's true," Discord agreed. "She even once tried to get her friends to drink some potion that would remove a spell she thought I casted over them. And instead of making up a reason for this, she was foolish enough to tell them what her actual intention was. Not only is she guileless, but she can also be too sure of her own success; so getting the better of her shouldn't be too difficult for you."
"I hope she is," Tywin responded. "Normally I wouldn't be taking great risks over matters such as these, but seeing as how the pretender's planning on striking before me, I might as well just pray that what you two say about the princess is true."
Knowing that time is of the essence to him, Tywin had let out a fast pace as he walked into the council chamber--just right in the middle of a meeting that Twilight was having with her friends. Tywin stood right in front of her, and after giving a bow he said, "Your Grace."
"Tywin," Twilight responded. "I assume you have something to tell me?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," he then presented the documents to her. Twilight was close to reading the first three words until Tywin mentioned, "The Mayor wishes for you to sign these in approval."
She was immediately taken back by that information. "And she asked you to present them to me?"
"Of course," he assured her. "After my punishment, I thought it would be best that I make amends for my disrespect towards her. And through these past months, the Mayor and I have been on equal terms ever since."
"Well I'm glad to hear that." the second she finished writing her signature on all four documents, she handed them back to Tywin with her magic. "You know Tywin, at first I thought you were just going to be a nuisance; but I guess I was wrong about you."
"You're too kind," with that said, Tywin had left the council chamber, leaving Twilight and her friends to continue their little meeting. "You see girls, a little discipline was all Tywin needed. Maybe I won't have to request Princess Celestia to take him away after all."
Just as she was laying her hind legs upon the table while slouching on her throne in a relaxed tone, Applejack was the first to give the Princess of Friendship a reality check. "I wouldn't be lowerin' my suspicions just yet, Twilight; Lord Tywin doesn't really strike me as the trustin' type."
"Now Applejack," Twilight tsked. "I know that he's been somewhat of an annoyance for the past months, but as you just saw he's become about as reformed as Discord."
"I'm tellin' ya Twi, he's up ta somethin'; and it ain't good. Nine months ago, he was over at Sweet Apple Acres tryin' ta hire Big Mac as a bodyguard."
"Did he accept the offer?"
"No, bu..."
"Then I guess there's nothing for us to worry about."
"Actually Twilight, I've also been noticing some suspicious doings from Lord Tywin." Rarity spoke up. "One time when Caramel and Lucky Clover were trying to invade my personal space and threaten Spike, Lord Tywin not only destroyed an expensive carriage the two of them bought but he was also threatening to execute them as well. Not only that, but my sister had told me that that fiend was about to lock her and her friends in a dungeon!"
"Relax Rarity," Twilight soothed her. "I understand that this all sounds pretty horrible, but Lord Tywin didn't really arrest your little sister and the others, did he?"
"Of course not; but he would've if Spikey-Wikey hadn't been able to talk him into letting them go."
"So there, Tywin's nothing to worry about." Twilight declared. "He might bark out a few threats, but he's pretty much all bark and no bite. And unless anypony else wants to tell me more of his 'suspicious doings', this meeting will go to an end for today."
Just as they were about to get off their thrones, Fluttershy was able to muster, "Actually, I've started to become suspicious of Lord Tywin ever since he came to talk with Discord."
That made everypony (including Twilight) to freeze in place. "And...what might I ask did Tywin talk with Discord about?" Twilight asked with a little apprehension in her voice.
"Well, um...I don't really know, because..."
"Well if even Fluttershy can't remember what Tywin and Discord are possibly plotting, then I guess that it's nothing to be concerned over," Twilight tried to brush it all off as she got off her throne. "OK, I'm in the mood for some tarts. You girls want tarts? Because I just got to get me some tarts. In fact, let's all go to Sugarcube Corner before Lord Tywin decides to destroy it." after laughing at her own joke, Twilight was just about to leave until she felt her tail being pinned down by Rainbow Dash.
"Twi, aren't you forgetting someone?" she asked the Princess of Friendship.
Twilight thought for a good ten seconds until concluding, "No, you girls seem to be all here; so I mustn't have forgotten any of you."
"You're not counting Spike," Rainbow Dash pointed out.
"Spike?" Twilight scoffed at the sound of that name. "Since when do we need him to go anywhere? Besides, he's probably busy helping Lord Tywin deliver those papers back to the Mayor."
Pinkie Pie had finally decided to open her mouth at this point. "Say Twilight, how come Spike's always hanging around Tywee more often?"
"Because I'm letting him, of course. I mean, my servant is Tywin's servant...oops! I mean my 'number one assistant'." Twilight let out a giggle that even Pinkie felt was cruel.
"Twilight, darling," Rarity spoke up. "You don't really view Spike as nothing more than a servant, do you?"
"Yes I do," Twilight insisted. "He's been nothing but my loyal servant ever since I hatched him; of course I have to refer to him as my 'number one assistant', otherwise Princess Celestia would've just taken him away from me and I would've had to take care of myself."
"Uh, Twilight, you haven't forgotten that you can just use magic to do the things Spike does, have you?" Rainbow Dash reminded her.
"You're beginning to sound like Jeffrie," Twilight retorted.
"Say Twi, how come Celestia gave Spike ta ya anyway?" Applejack inquired.
Looks like those tarts are going to have to wait . Twilight thought to herself as she prepared to educate her friends on her origins with her little dragon assistant. "When Celestia decided to make me her personal protegee, she gave Spike to me sort of as a first lesson. At first, I never paid too much attention towards him. (I mean, I've been studying to improve my magic skills for months, and I didn't want to waste all that time foalsitting.) So while my parents and brother took care of Spike for me, I focused on my studies. Then one day, after I came back from school, I went into my room and saw Spike looking at a book. I was afraid he'd tried to eat it or burn the pages so I rushed over to take it away from him, and that's when I heard him say, 'Hello Twilight'. I learned that day that dragons--no matter how young--are fast learners; while I was being taught by Celestia, Spike had taught himself how to read and speak while still in his hatchling stage. I also realized that if a baby dragon can teach himself to read and speak, then I can teach him to serve me as well. After that day, I told Celestia that I plan on taking Spike under my wing as my assistant; what she didn't know was that I was truly just training him to carry my books and clean up after myself, while I just study. And because I've been able to fool Princess Celestia for so long, I've become a princess, I get to live in my own castle, and as you all just saw I've been able to whip Lord Tywin into being my new servant."
After allowing all that information to sink in, Twilight's friends were appalled by this new side of her. "Twilight, you can't be serious about all this," Rarity denied. "I mean, you were with Rainbow Dash and I to bring Spike home after we humiliated him into joining that dragon migration."
"Well of course I had to say something to get Spike back," Twilight explained. "You didn't really think that I would allow my only means of never doing any manual labor by myself to leave my life forever, did you?"
"So ya mean that time you tried ta help me get Spike out of his life debt over his Dragon Code was all because ya wanted him ta serve ya again?" Applejack asked.
Twilight let out a laugh that would put Pinkie Pie to shame upon being asked that. "Oh that's right, I comepletely forgot his 'Dragon Code'! That was just something I made up so he would always be obediant towards me. How do I know this? Because I literally drew that card he carries around myself, with crayon, when I was five!"
After listening to her laugh some more, Rainbow Dash just had to let her disgust be known. "OK Twilight, you're starting to be a little too hard on the little guy right now."
Rainbow Dash, you really are starting to sound like Jeffrie . "Really, I'm being too hard on him? You flung him off your back over a thousand miles away and refered to him as a 'lame dragon', while the rest of you were doing some things that are just as harsh, and you're all only now starting to take pity on him?"
They were all too stunned by that fact to even say anything back; that is except for Fluttershy. "Well um...you see... we never really thought that those times we've ignored, laughed at, or miss treat Spike in anyway would have any negative affects over us. But after revealing how you were truly feeling towards him...we're kinda starting to feel guilty about all we've done to him."
"Will you girls relax," Twilight assured them. "You all forget that we represent the Elements of Harmony, and that I'm the Princess of Friendship. As long as we keep on smiling and saying 'friendship is magic', then Princess Celestia--or Luna--will never suspect what we've been doing behind their backs."
"But aren't you worried that Spike might send a letter to Princess Celestia that tells her everything that you've been doing to him?" Pinkie Pie pointed out.
But that also didn't seem to worry Twilight Sparkle. "Please, like Celestia would believe her student's assistant over her student. Besides, Spike owes everything to me; he wouldn't dare betray the very pony who brought him into Equestria in the first place (he practically thinks of me as an older sister). The truth is that Spike isn't really a dragon; he's just a dog with scales. (And if none of you believe me, then go to the other Equestria and see what he looks like there.) And even if he does hang around with Lord Tywin for the moment, Spike will always stay loyal to his true master."
Over at town hall, the Mayor was gazing upon her reflection in her private bathroom, taking the necessary steps into transforming herself into Ponyville's most reliable politician. She noticed that a bit of her natural pink hair color was beginning to reveal itself, so she covered it with some grey hair dye. Ever since she'd been elected, this process had practically become a daily routine for her. She remember a time when she was younger, and how she had lost the election due to her pink hair that told everypony that she had no experience. But by the next election, she returned with grey hair and glasses that gave her a kind of professional demeanor.
Whenever somepony looks at her, they see a pony who was meant to be Mayor of Ponyville. And for nearly thirty years, she has managed to continue serving the citizens of Ponyville (even after Princess Twilight's coronation). But she saw a threat in Tywin Lannister; to the Mayor, he is a crook who has come to steal everything that she worked hard to achieve. And her only hope was in the form of a piece of paper.
Upon entering her office, the Mayor's assistant was quick on her four hooves to present the petition to her. The Mayor took the time to look over the piece of paper some more. (Because when you're the Mayor of a small town, it never hurts you to double check some things.) After reading signature upon signature of what is ultimately an eviction notice, the Mayor picked up her pen with her own muzzle and written her own signature in approval. And now all it needed was to be signed by a princess.
"You really think this'll work?" the Mayor's assistant asked.
"It will once Princess Twilight signs it," the Mayor stated. "She of all ponies wants to see that Tywin fiend gone from Ponyville."
"Is he really as malicious as everypony describes him?"
"Nopony would bother writing their names on this petition if he wasn't; I heard that he almost tried to arrest three innocent foals. He may just be Princess Twilight's advisor, but could you imagine just what horrors he could bring to Ponyville if he were given more authority?! That's something that I don't plan on seeing; so let's head over to the castle at once."
Before she even had a chance to get off her chair, her intercom started to buzz. "Mayor, somepony has come to...!"
The sound had suddenly cut off before the warning could be made. "Hello?! Hello?!" the Mayor kept bashing the button in a futile attempt to get it working. Feeling that danger is coming her way, she slipped her hoof under her desk and pressed the security alarm. "Lock the door," she ordered her assistant. The second that had been locked, both ponies could do nothing but listen to the sound of galloping hoof steps and pain-filled grunts.
"What should we do?" the Mayor's assistant asked in desperation.
"If this is what I think it is," said the Mayor. "Then we're going to have to escape by any means."
With that said, the Mayor opened up her window and was ready to climb her way down from the five storey building (with any luck, she might be able to land on some hay). But before she even got out, the door suddenly crashed down with Bulk Biceps standing on top, and shouting, "Yeah!" and for a pegasus with tiny wings, he wasn't too slow when it came to apprehending the Mayor with an iron grip!
"Let go of me at once! You'll be sorry when Princess Twilight hears of...!" the Mayor was then silenced by Iron Will--who was fast when it came to gagging her.
As she struggled and desperately tried her best to cry out for somepony to help, that's when Tywin Lannister finally arrived. He looked at her with that cold gaze of his very briefly until he turned his attention to the Mayor's assistant. After paralyzing her as well, Tywin snatched the petition from her own hooves, skimmed through every name and sentence, and then he slowly tore the paper one piece at a time.
"Hey, what are you...?!" the Mayor's assistant was immediately silenced by one swift punch from Iron Will's fist.
After shredding the petition to bits, Tywin looked down at the subdued Mayor and told her, "In the name of Princess Twilight Sparkle, I, Tywin Lannister, hold you under arrest for high treason. Iron Will, Bulk Biceps, take our prisoner in front of the castle and make sure her restraints are extra tight." as his two guards were dragging the Mayor out of her office, that's when Spike--who has been in a sullen mood since leaving the castle--came in to receive his orders. Not only did Tywin give the dragon his commands, but a scrolled-up letter as well. "Hold onto this letter, and don't send it until I tell you to. In the meantime, return to the castle and bring me that bucket of raw meat that you use to feed Tytan. Then after that, just make sure that Tytan is ready for his public appearance." with Spike now gone, that is when Discord finally popped into place. "Discord, can you drench this place from top-to-bottom with wildfire?"
"Can I?" the master of chaos asked with a devilish grin.
...
Eleven minutes later, the Mayor of Ponyville now found herself being tied up in front of Twilight Sparkle's castle, while all the citizens were gathering around to see what was going on. As everypony muttered amongst themselves, that's when they all notice Tywin Lannister standing next to the restrained Mayor and made his announcement. "I am Lord Tywin Lannister; Hand of Princess Twilight Sparkle. I've come before you to carry out the sentence of this criminal in the name of your Princess. This pony before you has been declared guilty for crimes of pretending under Princess Twilight's reign, and for attempting to usurp control of Ponyville from her. So long as Twilight Sparkle remains your princess, treason of any kind shall never go unpunishied. Therefore, the sentence for this pretender is death!" everypony who heard this were all in a hysterical state as if they were being attacked by a swarm of bees. During this uproar, Tywin whispered to the Mayor's ear. "Normally, I would have one of my guards chop your head off. But since neither of them have any weapons, I decided to let you play with my cat, instead."
Just then, the door to the castle had slowly opened. The Mayor looked over with hope in her eyes that maybe Princess Twilight has come to pardon her of whatever crime she had committed. But instead of the princess, it was only her dragon assistant with chains held within his claws. But Spike didn't come out alone; he came with Tywin's pet lion, Tytan. Upon arriving, Tywin immediately picked up the bucket and splattered all the raw meat over the Mayor. It may have made her smell like a rotting corpse, but to Tytan she smelt like dinner. All it took was for Spike to unhook the chain that connect to Tytan's collar, and one quick pounce for the lion to start devouring the meat reeking Mayor!
While Tytan was gnawing her with teeth and claw, Tywin turned to Spike. "Do you still have the letter?" all Spike had to do was pull the scrolled up parchment from whatever part of his body that he uses as an invisible pocket to let Tywin know that he still has it. "Good, now send it." after taking a deep breath and letting his green flames engulf the letter, it was know heading its way to Princess Celestia. "All right Spike, Discord should be done flooding that building with wildfire by now. I want you to go light up the green liquid with your flames and then head back here; and try not to get yourself burned."
"Pfft, as if a dragon ever got hurt by fire." the second Spike had left, Tytan had already crunched the Mayor's entire face and was now digging his claws into the rest of her flesh.
As if on cue, Princess Twilight--with her crown upon her head--and her friends had finally come to see what all the commotion was. It only took one glance at the lion feasting on the Mayor's corpse for the six of them to be just as paranoid as the rest of town. "Tywin, what the hay's going on around here?!" Twilight demanded an answer. Before one could be given, that's when they all heard the sound of burning wood. Everypony's eyes had nothing but terror when they saw town hall cover in the bright green flames known as wildfire! Mixed within was also the sound of screaming ponies! (Whether it be from the towns ponies watching or the ones who were unfortunate to still be inside the blazing building, no one could tell.) By the time Spike decided to come back, Twilight had regained her voice. "Tywin, what have you done?!"
"I've only done what you've ordered," Tywin replied.
She was a bit shaken by that statement, but she shrugged it off as an empty ploy and turned her attention to Spike. "Spike, send a letter to Princess Celestia, now!"
"That won't be necessary," Tywin dismissed her order. "He already sent one not too long ago; she should be here any minute."
True to his word, Princess Celestia--along with Princess Luna--decided to grace Ponyville with their royal presence. After stepping off their seperate chariots, Twilight Sparkle attempted to speak with them before Tywin had a chance. "Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, you two could not arrive in any better time! I don't usually question your judgement, but the advisor that you've sent me has been..."
"Princess Twilight, what is the meaning of this?!" Celestia asked in a bit of rage that even Twilight was never use to hearing from her.
"I know this all seems very hard to handle right now," said Twilight. "But the sooner you two punish Lord Tywin, the better Ponyville will become again."
"What makes you think it is Lord Tywin who is at fault?" Luna asked. "The letter he sent us says that you're behind all this mayhem."
"And judging from the dreadful state of the Mayor and town hall, it would seem he was telling the truth." Celestia added.
Twilight felt like she had been bitten by an eel from all the shock she's experiencing right now. "That's not true! I would never do such a thing!"
"It is true, and she can do such a thing," Tywin intervened. "She's been plotting this ever since I first arrived. I of course tried my best to advise her out of it, but she either ignored or choose to send me away for a brief period of time. As to how all this carnage transpired, Princess Twilight had ordered my guards to seize the Mayor and tied her in front of the castle, made her friend, Fluttershy, use her staring abilities to control my pet lion into eating the Mayor alive, and then she forced Spike into burning down that building over there."
Everything Tywin just said had left them all daunted, especially Fluttershy (whose mouth remained gapping and pupils shrunked to the size of peas after hearing her name be mentioned). But Twilight wasn't going to let herself be accussed so easily. "If I truly did give out those orders, there would at least be some signed documents with my approval."
"Of course, that's why you gave me the documents for safe keeping." Tywin handed two of the four papers to Celestia and Luna. "This is the arrest warrant she signed to have the Mayor seized, and this is the death warrant she also signed to have the Mayor executed."
After closely examining each paper, both princesses came to a conclusion. "They both have your signature on them," Celestia pointed out to a rather dumbfounded Twilight.
"That's because I saw her sign them myself," Tywin continued. "Even her friends were there to witness it."
The princesses turned their eyes upon Twilight's friends. "Well...we did see her sign 'em," Applejack admitted. "But he told her that them papers were from the Mayor."
"Is that true?" Luna asked.
"Of course not," Tywin denied it. "Do you ever expect a dog to bark at its own master? No, even if Princess Twilight is the one to blame for all this, you can't expect her own followers to speak out against her."
"He does have a point," Discord was watching all of this while floating on a recliner and feasting on popcorn as if he were watching a tv show. "I mean friendship wouldn't exactly be magic if Twilight's friends don't even defend her. But that still doesn't change the fact that Twilight had killed a politician behind your backs."
Celestia looked very sternly upon Tywin when she said, "Lord Tywin, what you have told us has Luna and I feeling very dismayed. A bit of me feels ashamed that Twilight could be capable of something so heinous; but another part of me doubts that my own student would ever stoop to something so low."
"We've known Twilight Sparkle for years and have only met you months ago," Luna added. "To be honest, neither of us know who we should believe."
"I understand," Tywin agreed. "You can't completely trust Princess Twilight because she might be guilty; and you can't fully trust me because you've barely known me. But there is someone whom you can trust."
"Who?"
"Spike," the mention of that name took everyone off guard--mostly Spike himself. "Children has always have a sort of...innocence--for lack of a better word. He's been following me everywhere I go since I chose him as my cupbearer; so there's no doubt that he would tell you if I had been committing any treason behind Princess Twilight's back."
"It's true," Twilight agreed eagerly. "Spike has always been a faithful and loyal assistant to me and anypony he helps. And although I never appreciate it, he always tells me what I need to hear; he's practically more honest than Applejack. So you have my word Princess Celestia that Spike will never lie to you, or Princess Luna."
With all that said, Spike was slowly dragging his feet towards the princess sisters as he looked at each of them with a sort of childish timidity. He looked at Twilight and at Tywin; he knew he would have to betray one and stay loyal to the other. By the choice of any words, he might end up making one of them look like a criminal in front of Equestria's most powerful rulers.
"Ahem," Twilight coughed impatiently. "Go on Spike, tell Celestia and Luna what actually happen."
The tension of all this was making the little dragon expose his anxiety in the forms of little bullets of sweat. He wanted to imagine himself as egg again, but was cut out of it when he felt Celestia's hoof raise his chin. "There's no need to be afraid, Spike. We just want the truth."
Spike turned his head to look at Tywin for some kind of assistance. "Look at us, Spike," Luna said in a soft but firm tone. She waited until the little dragon had given her a hundred percent eye contact before she said, "Now be honest with us, Spike; is Twilight Sparkle abusing her authority as a princess, or is Lord Tywin committing an act of treason?"
His time was finally running out; Spike knew that he would have to give the princesses a name for them to blame, starting now. He looked down at the ground like a kid who got caught breaking a cookie jar, and was scratching the back of his head with his claws. Tears started to build up and his breath was pacing rather quickly when he finally shouted his choice. "IT'S TRUE ! THIS IS ALL TWILIGHT'S DOING !"
"WHAT ?!" Twilight cried in disbelief.
Celestia's face had begun to harden after hearing Spike's confession. "You're sure that Twilight Sparkle is to blame?"
"I swear to you by my honor as a dragon that Twilight Sparkle had the Mayor killed for the sake of gaining full control of Ponyville, and that she also forced me to burn down town hall when there were still civilians inside!" Spike brought himself down to his knees as he continued to sob more tears. "I heard them screaming when I set that building afire; I told Twilight that I didn't want to burn those ponies, but she told me that true friends always do what their friends tell them to do. I just didn't want her to think that I'm not her number one assistant any more! And the worst part is...she's been doing these sort of things behind your back since you gave me to her!"
"YOU LITTLE TRAITOR !" Twilight shrieked while Applejack and Rainbow Dash were putting all their strength into holding her back. "I hatch you and allow you to serve as my assistant and this is the thanks you give me?!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH, TWILIGHT SPARKLE !" Celestia almost stomped a crater into the ground as she yelled in the royal Canterlot voice on this rare occassion. After Twilight Sparkle had knelt to the ground like a dog being chastise by its master, Celestia regained her elegant composure as she spoke to Spike in her regular voice. "Spike, if Twilight's been mistreating you, then why didn't you tell me or my sister?"
"Because she told me that you and Princess Luna wouldn't believe me and banish me from Equestria for not being her obediant assistant," Spike continued to sob. "She's always telling me that friendship is magic, so I figured that putting up with the abuse, neglect, the times she never bothers to thank me for my services, and times when she never defends me from anypony who pushes me around was just part of friendship. I know that I'm betraying Twilight by snitching on her like this, but please don't banish me!"
Luna's horn glowed as blue as her mane when her magical force lifted Spike towards her. She held the dragon in a warm embrace and she gave his face a comforting nuzzle as tears of pure sorrow were sliding down her cheeks. "No, no, Spike, we would never do that to you."
Celestia too was leaking some tears of her own when she rubbed Spike's head and said, "It's OK Spike, you didn't do anything wrong." she had to make her face stern as iron when she looked back at Twilight. "Twilight Sparkle, I'm very ashamed of you! Not only have you disgraced yourself as a Princess by murdering the Mayor, but you've also failed as a good role model for Spike! (Even Sunset Shimmer wouldn't do something this despicable.)"
"Come on," Twilight protested. "You're not really gonna believe that lying lizard over your own student, are you?! You must believe me; I was the one whom you chose to be Equestria's new princess!"
"I gave you that title because I thought you were worthy of it," Celestia stated. "And I allowed you to have custody over Spike because I thought you might be able to give this poor child a family that could teach him the magic of friendship. But it's clear now that I've been overestimating you. You've had so much promise in you, that it hurts me that I have to punish you somehow."
"You won't have to," Tywin claimed. "Twilight Sparkle already did." he pulled yet another paper that Twilight had blindly signed and gave to Celestia and Luna to look over. Both princesses seemed to have looks of approval after reading it.
"What does it say?" Pinkie asked after snatching the paper away and read out loud. "Lord Tywin Lannister is to hereby rule all of Ponyville as Lord Regent, until Princess Twilight Sparkle is deemed worthy of rulling." she then whispered to her friends, "I don't know what this means."
Twilight then painstakingly explained to her. "It means...that Lord Tywin will rule with my authority...until I'm ready to get it back."
"Ooh, didn't see that coming!" Discord commented.
"We believe that it's a more than fitting punishment for you, Twilight Sparkle." said Celestia.
"You mean you're actually going to allow this?!" Twilight cried.
"That's right," said Celestia. "You've proven that you still have a lot more to learn before being a ruler; so while Lord Tywin is in charge, you shall observe and learn everything he does until he let us know that you're ready to have your authority back."
"No, this isn't happening, you can't do this! This is just what Lord Tywin wants; he's just playing you for a bunch of fools!"
"You've got some nerve, Twilight Sparkle!" Princess Luna let out her rage. "First you have a politician killed, threatened this poor innocent child into doing your horrible biddings, and now you dare to speak against your own superiors?! I ought to banish you to the moon myself!"
Celestia was able to calm her sister down as she then made it clear to Twilight that failure isn't an option for her. "You see Twilight, you will do as Lord Tywin says. If you don't, not only will I strip you of your title and change you back to unicorn, but I will also take you back to Canterlot where you will start things over by attending Magic Kindergarten again."
That last statement made Twilight feel like she just saw both her parents get flayed by Roose Bolton's bastard. She was already groveling before Celestia's hooves and pleading, "No, anything but that! I'll do anything you command me to do, just don't make me go to Magic Kindergarten!"
"Good," Celestia said with a satisfied smile. "While Lord Tywin rules for you, I shall take your crown back to Canterlot for safekeeping."
After Celestia deprived Twilight of her crown, Luna added, "Consider yourself fortunate that we're even allowing you to refer to yourself as princess."
"Now that that's been settled," said Celestia. "We still need to decide who should take care of Spike." she looked back at the little dragon. "My sister and I would love to look after you, but our duties would only keep us from even seeing you."
"I could take care of him," Rarity sugested. Everyone looked at her with a deadpan expression tha they'd normally give when somepony like Pinkie says something crazy. "What? It's not like I ever exploited Spikey-Wikey's services for my own selfish gain."
"That's nothing to worry about," Tywin stated. "Twilight Sparkle has taken care of that matter as well." he finally took out the last paper and gave it to the princess sisters.
"Oh great, what did I sign this time?" Twilight groaned.
"It would seem that you've allowed Lord Tywin to adopt Spike," Celestia explained.
"Can I read it?" Spike asked. After being given the parchment, Spike looked over it as he read to himself, "From this day forth, Spike the dragon shall forever be known as Spike Lannister, legitimate son of Lord Tywin Lannister." for a second, Spike thought this all just a dream; that he's still napping in his little basket, waiting for Twilight to bark more orders at him. The surprised dragon looked up at the man who might be his new father and said, "Is this true? Am I really going to be your son?"
Tywin looked at his adopted son with a relaxed expression as he said, "Yes Spike, what that document says is true. You've been of good service to me for so long that it's only fair that you get rewarded. That, and I've been growing rather fond of your company for these past few months." he then felt his leg being clutched by the dragon's claws as he was shedding tears of joys that he now has a father of his own. Tywin just gave his new son a pat on the head and continued speaking with Celestia. "Your Grace, by my name as a Lannister, I assure you that Spike shall be treated the same way I treat with my own sons."
"I just want to be assured that Spike shan't be treated like a tool this time." Celestia clarified.
"He's in good hands."
"I should really apologize to you, Lord Tywin. The reason I sent you here was really for Twilight Sparkle to maybe reform you the way Fluttershy did for Discord, but you instead manage to unmask my student's true colors. Do you have any requests you would like to make, before my sister and I return to Canterlot?"
"Only two: I would like my guards to be armed with any weapons you can give and given knighthoods, and I would like to have the sisters of Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, to serve as my new cupbearers."
Sensing something choatic from these requests, Discord began to wave a trophy around and said, "I smell Emmy!"
...
After all the humiliation she had to go through today, Twilight Sparkle was in desperate need of rest. But when she entered her chambers, she saw Spike's basket lying where her bed is suppose to be. Twilight's instincts then led her straight to her former assistant's room. "Spike, have you seen my...?" she stopped mid-sentence when she saw the little dragon lying on her bed while Tywin's pet lion was resting his head on the side and having it scratched by Spike's claws. "Hey, that's my bed!"
That sudden outburst caused Tytan to growl at the demoted princess but was immediately calmed down by Spike. "Actually Twilight, this is the bed that was bought for me, that you decided to keep for yourself. I figured that since you no longer have any authority, that it makes sense for you to sleep in a cramped basket instead of a nice, comfy bed like this."
"Why did you do it, Spike? What have I done for you to betray me? I hatched you, took you under my roof, gave you a decent job..."
"Yeah, and then you had to go and talk trash about me behind my back. Little word of advice, Twilight, the next time you insult me behind my back, don't leave the door to the council chamber open and let me hear everything you say echo over every hall in this castle. You know, I always thought that I would at least earn your respect after all the things I do and put up with, but you made the mistake of letting me know that you never cared about any of that (which is why you've lost all of your power just now). I probably would've stay loyal to you instead of Tywin; but if you weren't going to be grateful for the things I do, then why should I be grateful for the things you do? Tywin at least allowed me to have his family name."
"Do you honestly think that he cares for you? He's just using you for his own ambition; and by the time he's done, he'll just leave you behind."
"Yeah, I can't deny that today pretty much proved that Tywin isn't the trustworthy type; but at this point, I'd rather be used by him than to be used by you, any day. Since you're here, why don't you get me some gems to eat? (That little performance I did for Celestia and Luna's made me hungry.)"
"Excuse me?! What makes you think I have to do what you say?!"
"Because my dad is the Lord Regent of Ponyville, and I'm his son. And since he's your superior, and I have his last name, that means I have just about much authority over you that he does."
Twilight was about to retort, until she became startled by the sound Tywin's voice creaping behind. "He's right, he does authority over you. He is the legitimate son of the Lord Regent, and you're no more than a puppet with an empty title. The only one Spike will have to answer to is me; so if you plan on wanting sending letters to the princess, you better have my approval first (otherwise, you might as well start training ravens to send your letters). While you're getting my son something to eat, see to it that my suit is properly cleaned and then get the blood stains off of Tytan's fur."
After flinging his orange juice stained suit in Twilight's face, she grumbled as she said, "When I get my power back, you two are going to be so sorry!"
Spike just laugh as he told her, "Twilight, Tywin worked very hard just to take away your power. Do you really think he's going to give it back to you after all the trouble he went through just to get it? I don't think so."
After letting out a groan, Twilight left in defeat while Tywin and Spike were left alone. "You did well today, Spike," Tywin congratulated him. "I was beginning to think that you couldn't handle the tension and not lie to the princesses."
"I have Twilight to thank for that," Spike insisted. "If I hadn't over heard what she was saying about me, I probably wouldn't even had a reason to betray her in the first place. Besides, even if I did help her instead, how would she reward me? Say that I'm like family, then give me a hug, but then go back to treating like her servant the next day? Even I wouldn't fall for that old act again."
Tywin nodded in approval. "You're a fast learner; I wish I could say the same for Twilight."
After a long silence, Spike decided to ask him something personal. "Tywin, do you really enjoy my company?"
"Would I still be in this room if I didn't? If Twilight's trying to make you doubt your choice, don't bother listening to her. She's just trying to spread some discontent between us. You're my son now, and I plan to treat you like one."
"Yeah, it's nice that I have a dad now...I can call you dad, right?"
The look he received from Tywin could've been one of disaproval, but since most of his facial features seem to be limited to scowls and frowns, Spike couldn't quite tell what he's feeling until he finally said, "You can call me what ever you like, as long as you don't forget who it was who got you this far in the first place."
"You mean there's more that we have to do?"
"Today is just the first step, Spike. I promised you that I would get you the respect you deserve, I didn't say it would be easy."
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
It's only been one day after Tywin Lannister's promotion to Lord Regent of Ponyville, and yet Spike already feels like a new dragon. He was having a stroll around Ponyville to take care of an errand for his new father. Normally, whenever Spike has to go on errands, he'd have to put up with the scornful, condenscending looks that most of the towns ponies would give him whenever he passes by. But ever since he became Spike Lannister, nopony would dare to deny him so much as a simple "good morning".
He tred onward while also returning his courtesies to anypony who greets him; a bit of him sort of knew that they're only being polite to him out of fear over his father, but as long as they were acknowledging his existence Spike had no reason to complain. After much walking, Spike finally arrive to his destination: Quills and Sofas. Of all the stores in Ponyville, this is one that Spike dreaded the most. Everytime he comes to buy more quills for Twilight, he'd always have to put up with the unreasonable store owner who constantly tries to upsell him with a sofa. Like all the other ponies in Ponyville, the store owner was not afraid to bully the little dragon into getting his way (he never even bothers to refer to Spike by his true name, but rather his mocking nickname, "Junior"). Every visit to that store would end in Spike bringing home a sofa and then receiving a scolding from Twilight for his meekness.
But now that he's the legitamite son of Ponyville's new Lord Regent, he's now able to have gain a new found confidence in himself to not allow this old history to repeat itself. Before Spike even approached the door, he saw the town inventor walking out with a sofa and three crates of quills. Upon seeing the little dragon, the inventor quickly held the door open and said, "Good day Spike, after you."
"Thank you Dr. Hooves."
With that said, Spike wasted no time in entering the little Hell-hole known as Quills and Sofas. He found himself being surrounded by sofas everywhere; after years of constantly being swindled into buying one of these things, Spike always like to imagine himself one day burning all of these so that way the store can just be called Quills. It wasn't too long for Spike to be greeted by the very con-artist who runs this store.
"Well, if it isn't my favorite customer." Spike knew that he really meant "sucker". The store owner is an earth pony with light brown fur and dark brown hair (kind of like Dr. Hooves, but while his hair is spikey, the store owner's hair looked gelled in a busniess like fashion while also donning a white collar shirt with a blue vest).
After placing a bag full of two hundred bits on the counter, Spike said, "I'd like to buy a year's worth of quills." it wasn't even ten seconds before Spike saw the owner bring in a big green sofa with a crate full of quills on top. "Uh...what is this?"
"That's the sofa you just purchased," the store owner lied.
"I never bought any sofa, I just asked for some quills."
"Oh yes you did, you just don't remember."
Seeing that smug look on that pony's face was already pissing the little dragon off; so Spike decided to not even bother trying to be subtle in his refusal. "Now see here you fleecer, you've been pulling this kind of stunt over me since I first came here and I'm getting sick of it! So here's what's going to happen: from now on, when I come to buy more quills, you won't ever try to upsell me into buying another one of your bucking sofas! In fact, as of today, you can just take that sofa you just brought in and shove it right up your flank!"
"You watch your mouth you little scaley brat!" the store owner shouted with venom. "You think I'm going to take this sort of insolence from a little punk like you?! I'm the one who runs this store, so you can either buy that sofa or you can hightail back to Princess Twilight, Junior!"
"That's Spike Lannister to you, bub! And I don't serve Twilight Sparkle anymore! In case you haven't heard, Tywin Lannister now runs Ponyville as Lord Regent."
The mention of that name caused the store owner to sink down behind the counter. "You mean that same guy that everypony wanted to evict from Ponyville?!"
"That's right," said Spike. "Only he's not gonna go anywhere; he gets to rule this town with Princess Twilight's authority while she just sits back and watch. And guess who just became Lord Tywin's new son." that's when he pulled out his adoption paper for the already defeated store owner to see. "Yep, you're now talking to a Lord's son now. And if I were to go tell my dad that you've refused to give me what I want, then he'll have me send a letter to Princess Celestia that says that you've been mocking her behind her back, and then she might send some guards over to arrest you and maybe let someone more loyal to her run this place. Now are you gonna be a good gentlecolt and respect your customer, or does my dad have to run you out of business?"
With the speed of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash combined, the store owner had already got rid of the sofa helped push the crate of quills to the door for Spike. "There you go Ju--I mean Spike! It's always a pleasure to do business with you! In fact, take the money; it's on me!"
As he held out the bag of bits to Spike, the little dragon couldn't help but smirk upon the nervous grin that was on the pony's face. He grabbed the bag while saying, "Thank you." and as he left, he walked past another sofa and dragged one of his claws across the cushions as a way of telling that swindler "Fuck you!"
If Spike were to ever once use his connection to Twilight Sparkle as a means to getting his way just now, she'd probably smack him on the head and give him a barrage of angry glares, no doubt. But since Tywin Lannister pretty much wants Spike to take advantage of his new status rank, he won't have to worry about anymore headaches. As he was pushing the crate full of quills, Spike just happened to have pass by the burnt remains of town hall. He wondered a little why Tywin never bothered to have it rebuild, but he just assumed that leaving ruined buildings is just a habit of his. Spike was just about to pass by Carousel Boutique, but then he stopped when he heard two familiar voices.
"Yeah, that's it Rarity. Laver, rinse, repeat." the first voice said in a sultry tone.
"Hey Clover, when do I get a turn?" asked the second voice.
"Not until I've cum; and seeing as how I'm watching the hottest mare in Ponyville bathing, that shouldn't take too long."
"Oh come on Clover, it's bad enough that I'm having to stare at your stallionhood but even I don't want to get covered in your semen!"
"Just hold still and you won't get any on you!"
Spike finally lifted himself to the top of the crate and he saw Lucky Clover standing on top of Caramel like a ladder while he's looking into a window and having one of his hooves rub a certain part of his body. Feeling that the two stallions are trying to do something perverted towards Rarity again, Spike quickly shouted, "Hey you two!"
That sudden outburst caused Caramel to panick and next thing you know, he and Lucky Clover had fallen flat on their backs. As they were both groaning in pain, Lucky Clover slowly got up and said, "All right, who's the motherbucker that just..." he and Caramel had both frozen into place upon seeing the little dragon glaring at them. "Uh...hey Spike, buddy. How are you doing?"
"What are you two doing here?" Spike interrogated them.
"Well, uh...weren't doing anything bad," Clover said nervously. "Right, Caramel?"
"Oh yeah, I mean it's not like we were watching Rarity take a shower awhile ago." Caramel felt his head getting smacked by a hoof.
"Shut up, Caramel!" Clover hissed at him. "Did you forget that psychotic old dude is that dragon's father!"
"You know, I could've sworn that my father forbid you two from ever coming anywhere near Rarity or her home," Spike reminded them. "If that's the case then I guess I should tell him to come here and maybe bring his guards with him. (And they both have weapons now, and I bet that they would love to test them out.)"
Lucky Clover and Caramel were immediately grovelling before Spike as they were both pleading, "Please don't tell him! We'll do anything you tell us!"
"Anything?"
...
Five minutes later, Spike was relaxing on top of the crate with the bag of bits by his side, while Caramel and Lucky Clover were both carrying it towards the castle on their backs. The second they got inside, Spike told them, "OK, you can just drop it right here." as soon they put it down, they both began to let out moans over the back pains they just received. After jumping off the crate, Spike had one last thing to say to them. "Now you two just behave yourselves from now on, and then next time you won't have to do any of this. OK? Good, now get lost."
By the time the two stallions were gone, Spike was already shoving the crate through the vast hallway when he heard somepony say, "Howdy Spike!"
He stopped what he was doing so he could get a good look at the same three fillies who tried to assassinate Tywin Lannister nine months ago. "Oh, hey girls. What brings you here?"
"We're here to be your dad's new cupbearers, of course." Scootaloo told him.
"Lord Tywin is yer dad now, right?" asked Apple Bloom.
"Yep, he's my dad, all right," Spike answered. "I'm taking this crate over to his room, you can all follow me if you like."
Just as he was about to go back to pushing, Sweetie Belle placed her hoof in front of him and said, "Here, let me help you." her horn glowed lime green as she tried to lift the crate up with her magical force. She was only able to lift it up half a centimeter before she ran out of breath. "I thought carrying things with magic would be easy!"
Spike couldn't help but chuckle at her cute innocence. "Why don't we all push this thing together?" he offered.
"All right," Sweetie Belle accepted.
...
It took the four of them three minutes to push the crate all the way to Tywin's chambers. Standing next to the door were Tywin's newly knighted guards, Ser Iron Will and Ser Bulk Biceps (of course, everypony would probably refer to them as "Sir" rather than how Tywin says it). Ser Iron Will held a spear with one hand, a sword--which to his height would look like a dagger--around his waist, and a large battle axe behind his back. Ser Bulk Biceps also held a spear, but the only other weapons he possessed were two dual swords behind his back.
"What's in the box?" Ser Iron Will asked.
"Quills for my father," Spike told him.
After taking a quick peek into the crate, Ser Iron Will picked it up and brought it into Tywin's chambers. While Ser Iron Will was taking all the quills out, Tywin turned and noticed that Spike still had the bag of bits. "You still have the bits I gave you," Tywin pointed out.
"Oh, that's because the store owner was kind enough to give those quills for free," his dragon son told him.
As Spike held out the bag for his father, Tywin decided, "Keep them; you've earned them."
"Oh, well thank you Dad."
Tywin then decided to acknowledge the presence of his new cupbearers. "I see that you've escorted my new cupbearers, as well."
Apple Bloom was the one who made the introduction. "Yes sir, we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and we're here ta serve!"
"Good, you can start by bringing me some water."
The three crusaders bolted out the door, but soon came back as Scootaloo asked, "Uh...where is the kitchen?"
"Ser Biceps," Tywin commanded. "Show these three to the kitchen."
"Will do my lord!" Ser Biceps shouted. "Let's go my little ponies!"
After their little escort, the Cutie Mark Crusaders wasted no time in filling up a goblet with some water. But before they were about to bring it to the Lord Regent, Apple Bloom pulled out a vial from out of her red mane. "Uh, Apple Bloom, where did you get that?" Scootaloo inquired.
"Oh I just borrowed this from Zecora," Apple Bloom explained.
After pulling the cork out with her teeth, Apple Bloom dipped one drop into the water. "Apple Bloom, what are you planning?" Sweetie Belle wondered.
"Oh, I'm just gonna see if this'll poison Lord Tywin."
"POI ...!" Apple Bloom shoved her hoof into Sweetie Belle's muzzle before anyone else could hear her outburst. "Apple Bloom, didn't you forget what happened the last time we tried to kill him?!"
"Of course not," Apple Bloom assured her. "I didn't ferget how our last attempt failed. But I figured since we couldn't kill him from the outside, then maybe we might be able ta kill from the inside. Now you two just pipe down and help me bring this ta his room."
Tywin and Spike Lannister were both sitting near the dinner table when the Cutie Mark Crusaders came in with a tray being balanced by each of their muzzles. The second it was placed on the table, Tywin lifted the goblet to his lips and drank every last drop of the water. It was only ten seconds when everyone started to hear a strange gurgle sound.
"Uh, Dad, was that you?" Spike asked.
"That's strange," Tywin admitted. "I seem to have this unusual feeling in my stomach." the sound started to grow louder as Tywin was clenching his stomach and sweating bullets. "Seven Hells, I need to go to the privy at once!"
He practically knocked the door down when he rushed off towards the privy. Spike decided to follow after him, while the crusaders followed him to see if the poison had any effect. By the time they all got close to it, each of them heard a loud, wet, disgusting noise unlike any other. When Tywin finally got out, he was immediately stopped by Spike who went and saw that his mess was still there.
"Oh no, no, no!" Spike cried. "Dad, you can't just keep leaving the toilet like this!"
"What do you expect me to do with this chamber pot?" Tywin asked.
"Just flush it," Spike pushed down the toilet handle and allowed the water to take the mess away with it.
The site of this left Tywin utterly amazed. "You mean you just dispose your own leavings whenever you want?"
"Yes," Spike explained. "And after you do that, you take some of this toilet paper and clean yourself afterwards."
So that's what they were for . Tywin thought to himself until he felt another feeling building up in his stomach. "Spike, wait for me in your room; I have some experimenting I must do."
While Tywin Lannister was conducting his experiments with the toilet, Spike had taken the Cutie Mark Crusaders to his room. Lying on his bed was Tytan. The sight of the lion made each of the crusaders become nervous, especially when Spike called him over. Afer letting out a growling yawn, Tytan got off the bed and positioned himself for the little dragon to pet him.
"Hey Tytan, did you miss me while I was gone?" Spike scratched behind the lion's ear, which resulted in the beast letting out a relaxed rumble in its throat. Spike looked back and saw that the crusaders were still cowering behind the door. "Come on girls, you don't have to be scared of Tytan."
"B-b-but he's a l-l-lion!" Sweetie Belle squeaked fearfully.
Spike went and grabbed her by the hoof as he led her to Tywin's pet. Sweetie's little heart was practically about to burst out as she got closer to the lion. "Just pet him, Sweetie; he won't bite." Spike assured her. She cautsiously placed her hoof upon Tytan's forehead and she slowly stroked it. The touch of his fur made Sweetie relax a little. "He likes it when you scratch behind his ear." doing what Spike said, Sweetie scratched Tytan's soft spot and it made him nuzzle next to her.
"You know, he's not very scary when you get use to him." Sweetie Belle declared.
"You see, Tytan's not so bad." said Spike.
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were both becoming a bit braver upon seeing this. As soon as they were close, Tytan lift up his head and gave Scootaloo's face a big lick. "Ugh, his breath smells like garbage!" Scootaloo complained.
"That's because he eats nothing but raw meat," Spike told her. "Besides, this is just his way of saying he likes you."
"Maybe it's because he thinks she tastes like chicken," Apple Bloom joked.
While they were laughing, Scootaloo just pouted and told her, "You know, those chicken jokes are really starting to get old."
"Not ta me!" Apple Bloom exclaimed.
Scootaloo then chased Apple Bloom out of the room, and it was now only Spike and Sweetie Belle who were left. While Tytan decided to nap near a corner, Spike and Sweetie decided to relax on the bed. After a long silence, Sweetie Belle finally broke it. "Spike...you know, the girls and I never got to thank you for saving us."
"Saving you from what?" Spike forgot.
"From getting locked in a dungeon, of course."
"Oh yeah, it's been awhile since that happened. We never get to spend much time together, do we?"
"No, we definitely don't hang out a lot, as always. I kinda miss having you brush my mane for me, sometimes."
"Really?"
"Yeah. When I try doing it by myself, I always end up making it worse, Rarity never gets to have any time to do it for me, but you always seem to spare enough time for me."
"Yep, I guess helping ponies seems to be the only thing anypony remembers about me."
Sweetie noticed a hint of sadness when Spike said that. "Spike, I know that everypony tends to take everything you do for granted, but the girls and I really do appreciate the way you stood up for us. You really were our hero that day."
Being called a hero made Spike feel somewhat better inside. "Thanks Sweetie...it feels nice when somepony says 'thank you', doesn't it?"
"It does," Sweetie started to scooch closer to the dragon. "You know, when I told Rarity about what you did, she said that this is how a lady is suppose to thank her hero." she then planted a warm kiss upon his scaley cheek. Spike hadn't felt this warm inside since the last time Rarity had kissed him. When he and Sweetie both looked at eachother, both their cheeks were blushing red and their lips were forming these sort of bashful smiles. "Do you remember that time we danced together during the wedding at Canterlot?" she asked.
"Oh yeah, I think I still have a picture." Spike rushed to a counter as he was looking through an assortment of junk, until he found a picture of him and Sweetie Belle dancing together.
As they were both reminiscing over that sweet moment, Sweetie Belle made a comment. "I always thought that you look handsome in a tux."
Feeling his cheeks burn from that compliment, Spike decided to flatter her as well. "And I thought that you looked very pretty for a flower girl."
That caused her to giggle, which in turn resulted in him to chuckle with her. They both just stared at eachother while feeling as if they were getting closer, that is until Tywin Lannister finally showed up. "If you're done flirting with that cupbearer, I would like you to come to the council chamber with me."
"Oh, of course, Dad," Spike said as he got off the bed and went to his father. Before they were gone, Spike looked back at Sweetie Belle. "See ya, Sweetie Belle."
"You too, Spike."
As she was leaving his room, Sweetie looked back to when she had just kissed him awhile ago. I can't believe I just kissed my sister's admirer , she thought to herself. But suddenly, her eardrums were being pounded by, "Sweetie loves Spike!"
Both her friends were laughing and mocking at how they saw Sweetie kissing Spike. "Oh knock it off, you two!" Sweetie shouted. "I was just thanking Spike for saving us; besides, my heart will always belong to Button Mash."
"Is that so," Scootaloo doubted. "You sure that you still want some videogame geek over a dragon boy?"
"Hey, I don't ever make a big deal over your crush for Rumble, do I?"
"You promised to keep that a secret!"
Now it was Apple Bloom who's the only one laughing. "Well, well, well, I never thought I'd ever see the day when you, Scootaloo, start fallin' fer some colt!"
"It's not my fault that airhead has a cute flank!"
While Tywin and Spike were making their way towards the council chamber, everything was silent but the sound of their footsteps echoing over the halls. Spike looked up at his father and felt like saying something. "Dad, why did you want the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be your cupbearers?"
Tywin's eyes slid at his dragon son when he said, "The truth is I just needed those three to be my wards. Do you know what that is?"
"Sort of. It's a term for a very important guest, right?"
"Close. But it's really a more polite way of saying hostage."
That last word took Spike a little off guard. "I know they tried to kill you, Dad, but do you really..."
"No, no, that's not the reason why, Spike." Tywin clarified. "It's because I need leverage over Twilight Sparkle's strongest supporters."
"What do you mean?"
"If Twilight Sparkle were to one day lead a rebellion against me, she will need the help of some of her strongest allies. Applejack seems to have a strong passion for protecting those she loves, Rainbow Dash has a warrior spirit, and Rarity had shown that even she will fight if push comes to shove. However, if I keep the ones that those three truly care the most, then none of them would dare rise against me."
"Why's that?"
"Because if they do, I would have to kill my wards."
Spike felt as if a dagger had been shoved into his heart. The idea that his new father might have to kill three fillies that he considers to be some of the only true friends he has made him feel sick inside. I just better pray that Twilight or any of them doesn't try anything stupid ! As they were getting closer to the council chamber, Spike had time for one more question. "If Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity are going to be threats to you, then how do you plan on keeping Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie in line?"
"I don't have too; Fluttershy's too timid to bother speaking out against me, and as for Pinkie Pie...it's just safe to assume that she's an idiot." with that said, the two of them finally entered the council chamber.
Twilight looked at her former advisor with contempt while her friends looked as if Winter had arrived early. "Good evening, Twilight Sparkle." Tywin greeted her.
"Hello Tywin," Twilight said with some restrained anger.
"Now Twilight, show some respect for your new Lord Regent." Spike corrected her while also sitting on his throne.
Twilight Sparkle grinded her teeth over the fact that she's being reminded how to behave (by a kid, no less). She turned to Tywin and said, "My apologies, Lord Tywin."
"Apologies accepted," said Tywin. "Now then, any news I should be concerned over?"
"Well the Cutie Map doesn't seem to be acting up right now," Twilight pointed out. "So I guess we can just call it a day."
Before any of them got off their thrones, beams of light started to form into their Cutie Marks and then it was hovering over a section of the map. Applejack then rose up and cried, "Hey, it's pointin' over Canter Creek; that's where my greatuncle Chili Pepper lives!"
Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!
The Rains of Canter Creek
After another trip to the bathroom, Tywin was now leading both his guards over to Spike and the ponies to join their little quest to Canter Creek. When he finally caught up with them, he was expecting that they'd be riding in a carriage. But the mode of transportation that they will be using instead, had left him more astonished than his recent discovery of their toilets. The whole ride was mostly spent on the ponies explaining to Tywin on the mechanics of these devices called "trains"; Tywin was even too busy goin through every section of each cart rather than sitting down. But eventually, they would all reach their destination.
Unlike Ponyville, Canter Creek isn't exactly quite on the same level as Lannisport--or any decent city or town for that matter. All the buildings were built with inferior wood, and neither one was given any color of paint and were mostly left in a tasteless, bland style that would make a Tyrell want to go blind. The enviroment is mostly nothing but desert, with the few signs of plant life belonging to a farm which belongs to a greatuncle of Applejack's.
Five minutes had passed as Twilight and her friends were dragging out all of their luggage while Tywin and his legitamite son were just standing around with the two guards, waiting for them to be done. When the last suitcase was finally brought out, Twilight panted for breath as she stared at Spike with a bit of irritation. "You know this could've been over a lot quicker if you had helped." she told the dragon.
"Actually, you could've took all those suitcases out much faster if you had used your magic," Spike corrected her.
Rainbow Dash turned to Twilight with an annoyed glance as she said, "Why didn't you use your magic, again?"
"Oh I'm sorry, but whose side are you on, anyway?!" Twilight cried out her frustration.
Before anymore tension could arise, they were immediately greeted by the local law enforcer, Sheriff Tumbleweed. He's a broad-chinned earth pony with brown fur (with a little white streak between his eyes) and tanned hair, and his attire consisted of a brown hat--similar to Applejack's--and an orange vest with a gold star embedded on it. After tipping his hat in a polite manner, the sheriff said to Twilight, "Sorry if I'm interruptin' anythin' important, but ya wouldn't happen ta be Princess Twilight Sparkle by any chance?"
Twilight quickly regained her composure as she returned the greeting. "Yes, that would be me. And are you the sheriff?"
"Yes ma'am," he shook her hoof. "Sheriff Tumbleweed, at yer service. Now are any of y'all related ta Chili Pepper?"
"Yes sir," Applejack responded. "Chili Pepper's my great granduncle; I'm Applejack. We received a distress call that this town is in need of some help."
"Yep," the sheriff sighed. "You can definitely say that; I'll explain everythin' while I take y'all over ta Rancho Bronco."
As they were all following Sheriff Tumbleweed, Rarity had already began to fawn over the stallion the second she laid her blue eyes on him. But even though Rarity was practically making her advances painfully obvious, that didn't stop the sheriff from being oblivious to it. While Tywin was observing this from behind the group of ponies, he glanced to his left and noticed an annoyed scowl on Spike's face.
"Does this bother you?" he asked his son.
"Yeah," Spike sighed. "This is one of the downsides of tagging along with the others; having to watch the mare of my dreams gushing over some stranger she just met because she deems him attractive. It's not even the fact that she chooses them over me that bugs me, it's the fact that most of these stallions never realize how lucky they are to even have somepony as beautiful as her be interested in them."
Now he knows how I felt about having to put up with my father's blunders . Placing his hand on Spike's shoulder, Tywin gave him some fatherly advice. "Sometimes life shall do rather unfair acts upon us and give favor to those who don't even deserve. But as long if you're patient and never allow irksome moments like this get to you, then life just might reward you one day."
"If you say so, Dad."
When Tywin finally took his eyes away from his son, he saw that the sheriff was looking right at him. "Pardon me fer starin' at ya sir, but ya wouldn't happen ta be one of 'em humans who fell from the sky by any chance?"
"No, no, he's not one of those three," Spike clarified. "He's a new human."
"Oh that's right, the one's I was thinkin' of are suppose ta be younger than you," Tumbleweed told Tywin. "Anywho, what brings you ta our town?"
"If you must know, I've come to see how Princess Twilight settles with these sort of affairs."
"Why's that?"
"In case you haven't heard, Princess Twilight had recently surrended all her authority over to me as Lord Regent of Ponyville, until a time comes that I feel that she is declared fit to rule on her own."
"Only because you tricked me!" Twilight shouted.
"You must excuse her; she's been having these fits of denial ever since she named me Lord Regent."
"I am not!"
Before the argument could be heated even further, that's when they all arrived to Rancho Bronco. As was said before, Rancho Bronco is the only area around Canter Creek to be blessed with any signs of greenery. The fields were blanketed with rows of crops that seem to stretch to the very borders of Equestria. Across from the crops stood the main house; and behind that stood the barn (both of which were painted green, unlike the buildings back at the town).
Upon entering this ranch, Sheriff Tumbleweed was already giving everyone a history lesson. "This ranch is the central hub of trade in Canter Creek. There's a natural spring near the main house. The ranch grows hay, cotton, potatoes, and all kinds of peppers!"
"What are peppers?" asked Tywin.
They all looked at him as if he suddenly stripped his entire attire off and was exposing his body to them. After slowly processing what was just asked, the sheriff tried to come up with an answer. "Well, um...ya see, peppers are...these things." he dashed over to a nearby crop--that just happens to have peppers--and plucked one of them out for Tywin to see. "This here is a chili pepper; don't ya have these back where you're from?"
"No," Tywin replied. "I'm afraid that most of our food consists of potatoes, grapes, onions, fish, bread, lemons, pies, tarts, and any kind of meat you can think of."
Allowing himself to be dazed once more by Tywin's words, Sheriff Tumbleweed was stunned for a mere ten seconds until he finally regained his senses. "Anyway, Mister..."
"My lord," Tywin corrected him.
"Oh, uh...m'lord, my apologies. As I was sayin', this here is what we call a chili pepper. Ya may give it a taste if ya wish, m'lord; but I should warn ya that this is very hot, so ya might need ta get yerself some water just in case."
"If you insist," Tywin concurred. "Twilight, go to the natural spring and fetch some water." after taking the pepper from the sheriff's hoof and locking his gaze on it, Tywin had a feeling that Twilight was still standing in place--due to the lack of any hoofsteps. "That was a command Twilight Sparkle."
After giving Tywin the same pouty exprsession you'd see on a child's face, she stomped off to fetch some water while the sheriff was now more confused than ever. "Uh...are ya sure you can just bark orders ta the princess like that?"
"When she made me Lord Regent, she gave up all her powers as well," Tywin explained while never taking his eyes off the pepper. "The only way she'll have it back is when I tell Celestia and Luna that she's fit to rule again; and until that day comes, she's going to have to get use to taking orders."
It wasn't even a minute by the time Twilight returned with a tin cup full of fresh water. With that taken care of, Tywin placed the pepper in his mouth and slowly chewed it. By the fourth time he chewed it, his whole mouth started to feel as if he had drunk a jug of wildfire! With his face burning red and his usually cold eyes wanting to pop out of their sockets, he was almost tempted to spit the damn pepper out. (But even he wouldn't want to make a mockery of himself in front of the local law enforcer, let alone Twilight Sparkle.) Instead he grabbed the tin cup and doused his mouth with the cool water to make swallowing the pepper a lot easier.
After that immediate cooldown, Tywin panted for air as he turned to his dragon son. "Spike, in case I ever forget, remind me to never eat any of those peppers ever again."
Applejack then got closer to the sheriff and asked, "Anyway Sheriff, what seems ta be the problem you're havin'?"
Tumbleweed face had become crestfallen when she brought that up. "About that, I think it's better if we dicuss this back at the town."
No sooner had they all arrived back to Canter Creek did they enter a building that the towns ponies refer to as a saloon (which serves as both an inn and a brothel). A large round table had already been set for them by the kind owner of this establishment. After taking his seat, Tywin looked around and watched the owner serving drinks to three stallions, and he also noticed four mares dressed-up in whore outfits either roaming about the place or just lying about, waiting for some stallion to give them bits in exchange for a few hours of divine pleasure.
"This whole mess has started ever since Chili Pepper had vanished," Sheriff Tumbleweed started. "After that, a gang of outlaws called the Cattle Rustlers have been terrorizin' this town. Every week they come here, demandin' supplies and food, then they disappear inta the mountains again."
"That's it?" Tywin asked with a hint of annoyance. "Your major dilemma is nothing more than a common band of thieves? If that's the case, why don't you just arrest them and be done with it?"
"Well m'lord," Tumbleweed gulped with apprehension, "ya see, the folks around here see Chili Pepper as a leader; and with him gone, everypony's too scared ta stand up ta any of 'em varmints. (Even my own deputies are afraid of 'em.) This whole town is runnin' out of hope and I'm startin' ta lose some myself."
All of their senses were suddenly jolted by a loud ruckus eminenting from outside like an earthquake! A disturbance like this was enough to get everyone to run out--that is, almost everyone. Tywin held his position at the entrance when he looked back and saw Ser Bulk Biceps being entranced by some whore who lifted her skirt to show off her flank while also swaying her tail back and forth as if she were hypnotizing him. But after a loud, "Ser Biceps!" the walking muscle with wings had already begun to trot outside.
Upon leaving the saloon, Tywin and the others saw the very band of criminals the sheriff was just telling them about. They were five large bulls with unusually long horns, riding goats like warhorses. The leader's a grey furred bull named Longhorn--or King Longhorn as he prefers to be called--wearing a big black cowboy hat, with black circles around his eyes, and his face had a grin that looked as if it were beaten with iron. Alongside him were his minions: a light brown furred bull (with a dark brown spot covering his back and also wearing a brown bandana around his neck) called Jersey Shore, a light tan furred bull--with his whole muzzle covered by a light brown bandana--named Doc Holstein, a bull whose fur was a mixture of black and white--with a white spot on his right eye--who calls himself Buffalo Bill, and then there was the white furred, bowler cap wearing bull with a black moustache (and a black spot on his left eye) who goes by the name of Angus McSteer.
The second Longhorn had dismounted his goat, Sheriff Tumbleweed was quick to stand up to this criminal. "Longhorn! I thought I told ya I didn't want ta see ya back in my town!" he huffed.
The giant bull just looked down upon the poor sheriff, sneering his iron grin, and whispered, "Ya did say that, didn't ya?" with only one hoof, Longhorn shoved Tumbleweed straight to the walls of his office as if he was no more than an empty bag of air! "I didn't listen! And that's King Longhorn ta you, ya lil wimp!"
The rest of the bulls were laughing at the sight of this embarrassing defeat (even their goats were laughing at the humiliated sheriff). After witnessing this, Tywin could only cringe inside by this pitiful display. Seven Hells, this pony's making my father look like Barristan the Bold !
"Wait a minute, I remember y'all!" Applejack blurted. "Y'all were them robbers that me and Rarity had ta fight!"
King Longhorn stared at her for awhile until the memory finally hit him. "Say, you're right, you two did do that ta me and my boys. Since ya kind enough ta remind me, allow me ta return the favor." with both hooves, he sent Applejack crashing into a nearby barnhouse, and that's when he laid his eyes on Rarity.
The fashionista felt her beautifully groomed mane being tugged by one of Longhorns hoof, and her flank being stroked by his other one. "Ugh, keep your filthy hooves off me, you beast!" she hissed.
Her feistiness, however, only made Longhorn chuckle. "Ya know, I never was able ta get a good look at ya the last time," he commented. "But now that I do, I can see that you're quite the pretty thing ta look at. How 'bout I take you back ta our hideout and let you have a little fun with each of us?"
Longhorn had been standing on his hind legs the moment he felt an erupting pain that caused him to lose his grip on Rarity and fall flat on his back like a turtle. Everypony just watched this behemoth of bull wailing in agony--destroying whatever terror he had enflicted on them. His lackey, Jersey Shore, trotted over to him and asked, "You OK, King Longhorn?"
After punching him away, Longhorn tried to suck in his pain in order to tell Jersey, "Does it look like I'm OK, ya stinkin' dungheep?!" just when he thought he could get up, the pain dragged him down again. While clenching his teeth, Longhorn looked at his left hind leg and saw just what a bloody mess it is. Blood was gushing out of the torn up opening and making a puddle on the desert sand, a bone was sticking out with pointed edges that showed that it had been snapped, as for the hoof part of his carnaged leg, it was just dangling like a leaf that's waiting to fall. "Dag nabbit, my buckin' leg's broken!"
"That won't be the only part of you that'll be broken if you ever lay another hoof on her again!" all five bulls looked at the bold dragon who was standing infront of them with blood dripping from his fangs and rage shooting from his reptillian eyes.
But that didn't faze the injured bull one bit; it only enraged him! As he crawled towards Spike like a seal, he snarled his threat at him. "You just made the biggest mistake of yer life, ya lousy lizard! I was goin' easy on them ponies; but I plan ta do much worse ta you when I get my hooves on ya!"
All it took was for Tywin to snap his fingers and both his guards had dashed infront of his son while both their spears were aimed at both of King Longhorn's eyes. "That 'lousy lizard' is my son, and unless you wish to find out how it feels to have two spears shoved in your sockets, I suggest you refrain yourself from threatening him in my presence again."
Both he and the enraged bull pierced eachother with stares that could melt a White Walker. Not wanting to allow himself to appear weak infront of this old stranger, Longhorn spat out a wet loogie at the ground that Tywin stood upon. It may have missed his feet by a mere centimeters, but even Tywin could feel the insolance that ball of saliva had carried.
"Ya think I'm scared by yer two goons just because they wear fancy armor and carry around long toothpicks?" Longhorn snarled defiantly. "If my leg weren't so torn up, I'd pummel both of 'em right now."
"Please," Ser Iron Will scoffed at that statement. "Sir Iron Will highly doubts that a cow with fake horns could ever prove to be much of a challenge."
For any bull, being called a cow is similar to a knight being called a handmaiden. The insult had stunged King Longhorn so hard that it made one of his nerves look as if it were trying to pop out of his skin. "What did you say, minotaur-boy?!"
"You heard Sir Iron Will just fine, steer."
The only thing worse than a knight being called a handmaiden is for one to be called a eunuch; and the slight that the minotaur knight use to slap the bull's pride with was no exception. Longhorn probably would've smash Ser Iron Will's spear with his rock-hard teeth and gore through his gold armor with his large horns by now, if the pain in his leg hadn't pulled him back down. Not wanting their leader to further humiliate himself, Buffalo Bill and Doc Holstein carried the injured bull to his goat. But due to Longhorn's mangled leg, he is unable to ride properly; so he instead had to lie on the saddle like a dead stag while Angus held onto the reins for him.
Before they all rid off to their hideout, King Longhorn had a few more words to give to everypony. "Don't think this is the last y'all will see of me. As soon as my leg is mended, I'll make each of y'all pay; startin' with that dragon!"
The minute the Cattle Rustlers were far away, Applejack and Sheriff Tumbleweed both regained consciousness as they both witnessed the five outlaws escaping justice once more. The sight of this caused the Element of Honesty to trot over to her princess companion and ask, "Twi, ya mind tellin' me why you're lettin' those no good crooks runnin' off like that?"
"Well what else am I suppose to do?" Twilight asked with a hint of surprise in her voice.
"Ya mean other than using yer magic ta stop them like you've always done before?" Applejack reminded her.
"Applejack!" Twilight's voice sounded aghast. "I can't just use my magic against living, breathing, and thinking things!"
"Tirek, Discord, Nightmare Moon, Sunset Shimmer, Queen Chrysalis and all her changelings were also living, breathing, and thinking things. But that didn't stop you from using your magic against them." her former assistant pointed out.
That well-known fact was enough to give Applejack a solid retort. "He's right Twi, ya did use magic against 'em. So what makes those varmints any different from the ones ya fought before?"
The demoted princess felt like she was on trial when everyone locked their stares onto her, waiting for an answer. "Because...they can't use magic?"
Spike arched one of his eyebrows (even though he doesn't really have any) as he said, "Really Twilight, that's the best excuse you can come up with?"
Twilight had to let out an annoyed groan before she could say, "Look, I understand that we had to resort to not so peaceful actions for the most part, but that was only when all of Equestria was at risk. This is just a local problem; so I'm pretty sure we can settle things in a civil and fair manner."
"Civil?" Tywin frowned upon that word. "These outlaws forfeited their rights to any civility the moment they assaulted Sheriff Tumbleweed, and you seriously think that treating them fairly will make-up for this?"
"Look, not everypony is a bloodthirsty savage," Twilight retaliated. "Violence might be a common occurence in your world, but we ponies prefer not to stoop to any devious means."
After giving her a "I'll deal with you later" look, Tywin decided to chew out the hopeless sheriff. "What was that pathetic display that I had to witness? That brute attacks you and you don't even bother to fight back?"
"Well m'lord," Tumbleweed fumbled his response, "I'm not exactly the strong type ta just fight off someone like Longhorn, so I figured that threatenin' 'em would be enough."
"That's what you were doing?! Threatening him?!" Tywin's voice let out a feign surprise. "Words are wind; it takes strong steel to put outlaws in their place, not hollow threats. Just look at what my son did to their leader. He's still a boy and even he has more courage than you. In fact, how is it that the citizens of this town even thought that you'd be a capable protector?"
Sheriff Tumbleweed showed off the golden star mark on his flank and said, "Well m'lord, they made me sheriff because it's what my Cutie Mark says."
Out of all the ridiculous things Tywin ever heard, this one left him utterly speechless. After pinching the bridge of his nose after he allowed that piece of insipid information sink into his brain, he decided to end this conversation with this. "Normally I'd be tearing you to shreds over how remarkably foolish you've made yourself sound. But since I'm feeling tired at the moment, I'll instead retire back to the farm with everyone else, and just leave you in your town and let the stupidity of your statement speak for itself."
As they were all leaving the sheriff to wallow in his own embarrassment, Spike had walked beside Applejack and started a conversation to help make their journey to Rancho Bronco feel less long. "Say Applejack, you said that you and Rarity fought those creeps before; so how come you two didn't beat them all up like last time?"
Being reminded of how easily she was able to dispose of those criminals after being overpowered by their own leader awhile ago had caused the orange pony's cheeks to blush in a bright shade of red that pretty much exposed her own embarrassment. But since she represents Honesty, she knew that she had to do what her title plainly suggests. "Well sugarcube, Rarity and I were angry the last time we fought 'em; and let's just say that someponies tend ta feel more violent whenever they let their rage take over."
...
The moon along with the blanket of stars and the vast black sky shaded over Rancho Bronco by the time Tywin and the others finally returned. The first thing they all did was gather around a large table inside the main house and discuss over their dilemma with the Cattle Rustlers. For the most part of this meeting, Twilight and Tywin seemed to be the only active speakers. The only ones who weren't present during this was the Element of Generosity and Tywin's legitimate son.
While his father and former master were arguing with one another, Spike has been making a sandwhich with white bread (without their crust), fresh tomatoes that still had some juice in them, and bits of hay and grass. He contemplated on wheter he should add mayonaise of mustard to it, but he decided to just sprinkle crumbled oats over it instead. After placing the last piece of bread on top, Spike rummaged through the fridge and took out a jug of water. It only took one sip for him to know that it came from the natural spring. After pouring some of it in a small glass, he picked up a tray and carried both sandwhich and water out of the kitchen.
As Tywin's and Twilight's debate kept getting more heated, not one of them bothered to give notice to the little dragon walking up the stairs with a tray in his claws. Spike always did seem to have that invisible like quality wherever he went; if he wanted to sneak inside a changelings' hive, he could just walk right in. After arriving to the top, Spike had stopped in front of the door to the master bedroom. When he gave the door a good knocking, he watched it be open by the light blue glow of magic that could only come from Rarity.
"Oh, hello Spike," she greeted him. "I thought you'd be downstairs, with the others."
"Nah, I didn't really feel like listening to Twilight bicker with my father," Spike admitted. "Besides, I thought you might've been hungry."
Placing the tray on a nearby desk, Spike was then rewarded with a nuzzle from Rarity's soft cheek and a few words of praise out of her muzzle. "Why thank you darling, that was very thoughtful." upon further inspection, the site of the crustless sandwhich seemed to have left Rarity touched. "Aw, you even remembered to remove the crust."
Watching his lady love take a delicate bite out of the sandwhich that he made just for her, Spike's whole body felt as light as if this was the first time he laid his reptillian eyes on her. Allowing his feelings for the fashionista to overcome himself, Spike--for a moment--had forgotten that he's the adopted son of a lord and he felt like the hopeless romantic who'd always give her his service as if he were giving her a bouquet of roses. "Well, I figured that you deserve to have the best after that little ordeal with those bandits."
Upon remembering that intense confrontation, a cloud of dread seemed to hover over Rarity. After taking a quick sip of the water, the elegant unicorn turned and gave a concerned look to Spike. "Spike...you'd do anything I ask of you?"
"Of course, Rarity," her dragon admirer assured her. "I could never say no to somepony as loving or caring as you."
His flattery almost left her flustered, but she still managed to harden her senses enough to forge the right words for this particular request. "Spike...could you not try to do anything like that again?"
Hearing what she just asked caused Spike to fall out of his lovestruck daze and look at her with eyes that were flooding with confusion. "What are you asking me?"
It seemed hard for her to tell Spike of all people this, but Rarity knew she couldn't stop the moment she started saying these words. "Spike, what you did for me today was very brave, and I can't thank you enough for coming to my aid when nopony else would, but you could've been hurt much worse than Applejack and Sheriff Tumbleweed. So I would appreciate it if you don't ever try to throw yourself into harms way for my sake."
Spike probably wanted to grovel and cry in a vain hope that Rarity would comfort him out of pity; but he knew that he could never stoop to something this degrading the day he took the Lannister name. So instead, the little dragon with-held his tears and kept himself hard like iron for what he was about to say next. "Rarity, I'm not sure if you've just forgotten, but I've been getting myself hurt over you way before any of this. I was pushed, shoved, and tripped just to save you from those Diamond Dogs, I get back pains everytime I carry around a lot of your stuff around, I allowed you to use me as pincushion with no complaints, I never even said anything that time you were bouncing on my tail. So what difference does it make for you if I get hurt now?"
"Spike..." her tone sounded as if she were about to chastise him the way Twilight normally would, but even she knew that what Spike told her was true. "You're right Spike, I did allow you to do all those things without thinking of your own wellbeing. But that was before Twilight told us how she truly felt about you; ever since I heard all of that, I never felt more horrible on how I've been taking your love for me for granted. That's why I think it's best that you give your love to somepony else."
Spike felt both anger and pain after his lady love dare to suggest such a thing to him. "Rarity, you know well enough that I could never stop loving you! I might get irritated every time I see you fawn over some stallion who doesn't deserve you or whenever you dismiss my feelings for you once in awhile, but it never made me stop hoping that you'll tell me that you love me!"
"But I do love you, Spike! I just..."
"You just what, Rarity?!"
These last couple of minutes talking with the dragon has left the fashionista more battered than the Mud Gate. She wanted nothing more than to stop this conversation and go back to eating her sandwhich before things could get worse, but the look that Spike was giving her was all she needed to go on. "I just don't deserve you...Spike, I always thought that you're the kindest and sweetest dragon I've ever met, that's why I think you shouldn't be wasting your love over somepony who can't even find it in herself to love you back." seeing the sullen look on his face, Rarity quickly tried to calm him with her feminine charms. "B-b-but that of course doesn't mean that a handsome young dragon like you can't ever find true love again; I could set you up on a date with my sister if you'd like."
Rarity managed to force her lips into creating a nervous smile in high hopes that Spike might consider her offer; but all the little dragon had to give her was a disappointed frown. "You still don't understand, do you?" Spike gave his reply. "Rarity, you were the first pony that I ever loved. Before I met you, the only mares that I ever knew was Twilight, her mom, Moondancer, Twinkleshine, Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Lyra, Princess Cadance, and Princess Celestia. Though I thought that each of them were pretty, it was you who made me realize what true beauty looked like." Spike's tone started to dim down to a more sadder note. "Everytime I look at you, I don't see some prissy fashionista whose only redeeming quality is her looks; I see a jewel that I don't want to eat, but rather keep it with me and cherish forever. I'll never stop loving you Rarity, the time when I gave you my fire ruby should've been proof enough."
As she watched her favorite dragon leaving the room, she could slightly make out the tear stains that were planted on the floor. Now that Rarity was allowed some privacy, she desperately tried to take her mind off the heated conversation by taking more bites out of the sandwhich. But she immediately realized that Spike's words seem to have too much of an affect over her. Oh why must life be so unfair ? She contemplated. My Spikey-Wikey is more of a gentlecolt than Blueblood, is more interested in me than Trenderhoof, and is even more brave than Sheriff Tumbleweed, and yet I'm not even allowed to love him back! And who says I can't be in a relationship with someone younger than me? Spike's only eight years younger than me; surely there are some couples who have longer age gaps than this. And so what if everypony disapproves of this? They wouldn't dare forget that it was I--along with the girls, of course--who saved them from Discord's chaos and Tirek's destruction. So why shouldn't everypony let Spike and I be together as a way of showing gratitude? Getting all of that frustration out of the way, Rarity decided to think back to something more placid. How come I stopped wearing that fire ruby anyway? I always tell myself that it's the most precious thing that was given to me, but what made me forget it? These tender moments were already putting Rarity back to her previous dejected state. Perhaps it's because it always reminds me of Spike's generosity, and how much he truly cares about my own happiness. I'm suppose to be the Element of Generosity, and yet I still fail at giving Spikey-Wikey what he really wants most of all .
She could've been trapped by her own affliction the entire night if a faint orange glow hadn't caught her eyes. Gazing out the window, Rarity was practically being strangled with horror when she saw large flames dancing over the barn. Regaining her senses before she could lose them, Rarity had bolted down the stairs with velocity that could rival Rainbow Dash's and shouting, "FIRE !"
As if the word itself had triggered a hidden impulse inside everyone in the room, they all ran outside to witness the fiery inferno before them. Not allowing themselves to linger for even a second, Twilight and Rarity used their combined magic to lift up a nearby water tower and drench the ragging flames until it diminish into ash and embers.
Despite the barn being torched, it still managed to stay standing. But that didn't seem to calm poor Applejack down at the slightest. "When I find the no-good varmint who did this, he'll know how it really feels ta burn!"
"Lord Tywin!" Ser Iron Will called out to his lord. "Sir Iron Will found this pinned to the door!"
The moment Tywin had felt whatever it was Ser Iron Will found, he knew immediately that it was a piece of paper. And when Tywin further inspected it, he saw that it contained a message. "What does it say?" Applejack inquired.
"Stay here by tomorrow," Tywin read aloud, "then a burnt barn won't be the only thing to look forward to." After crumbling the paper and dropping it down on the grass, Tywin's gaze was then aimed upon Twilight Sparkle. "Now do you see what happens when you allow outlaws to do as they please with impunity?"
Twilight's annoyance came back to her like a boomerang. "Look Tywin, I can see that things seem to look grim at the very moment, but I just happen to have a plan that's sure to work."
"And you're so certain that this plan of yours will work?" Tywin voiced his doubt. "If you're so assured of your own capability, then maybe I ought to tell Princess Celestia to grant you your former power."
"Is that a promise?" Twilight's whole demeanor had abruptly changed from her high-expectating perfectionist self to that of a go-getter smelling an opportunity. Seeing the barely hidden look of regret on Tywin's face, Twilight had lay siege upon his personal space until he relented. "Do I have your word that you'll tell Princess Celestia that I'm ready to have my full authority back?" Realizing that Tywin only has himself to blame, he showed Twilight his submission through a grudging nod. Feeling herself invigorated with renewed confidence, Twilight then trotted off with pride as she stopped to say a few words to Spike. "I hope you brought some paper and ink, because you're going to be sending the princess an important letter when this is over, my number one assistant."
...
The sight of the barn blazing in flames was practically melded into the deepest parts of the ponies' brains like barnacles clinging to a ship, as they all tried to sleep through Luna's night. Upon leaving Rancho Bronco, the ponies, along with Tywin, his guards, and his adopted son, were embarking on their little return journey to Canter Creek. The words that King Longhorn had left on his note seemed to echo endlessly inside Applejack's head. After last night's ordeal, the Element of Honesty was feeling rather uneasy in her anticipation of what the Cattle Rustlers have in store for the town. The moment they all arrived to Canter Creek, Applejack almost felt like fainting before Rarity for once.
The sandy ground was littered with bits of broken wood and shards of shattered glass; although not a single building appeared to have been burnt, the fact that each one was plastered with a plethora of holes and looked as if they had been chewed on by dogs didn't really make things any less worse. The only thing to look more pitiable than the ravaged town was the sight of the sheriff looking over all of this destruction in despair.
Applejack was rushing over every bit of glass and wood just to get some answers from the sheriff. "Sheriff Tumbleweed, what the hay happened ta this town?!"
Tumbleweed must've felt like his spirit wasn't broken enough, because he allowed his hat to fall on top of the already polluted ground and banged his head on some nearby wooden pillar when he finally answered Applejack's question. "Them no-good Cattle Rustlers led one big stampede inta our town and made it look like one giant pile of junk! I don't know how much more of this I can take; maybe we should all just cave in ta them."
"That won't be necessary Sheriff," Twilight assured him, "it just so happens that I've come up with a plan that'll fix everything. When will the Cattle Rustlers come back to Canter Creek?"
"I'd say about a week from now," Sheriff Tumbleweed told her.
"Good! Because a week is all the time we need to rebuild your town and setup my plan."
...
A week was all Twilight needed and a week was all it took for the little town of Canter Creek to be rebuilt. All the towns ponies were gathering at the end of Canter Creek around Princess Twilight and all the others in anticipation to see her plan go into play. Towards the farther edges of Canter Creek where the sand met the grass, a wide fence of barbwire upon wooden posts were placed on the spot of the Cattle Rustlers expected arrival--with a few other surprises left in store.
Twilight looked at the whole layout with that same prideful grin from last night, as if she were expecting everypony to congratulate her early. "Maybe you ought to send that letter to Princess Celestia right now," she preemptively teased Tywin.
"That'll depend on the success of your plan," he reminded.
"It's certainly not going to fail, if that's what you're implying," she declared. "Besides, since when did any plan of mine fail?"
Spike was almost going to oblige Twilight in answering her question until the sound of bells ringing and somepony shouting, "Longhorn's a'comin'!" made the dragon silence himself. The sight of the charging outlaws made the poor sheriff chew on his own hat out of fear of what might come to the citizens of Canter Creek.
"Don't ya worry Sheriff," Applejack tried to soothe the petrified sheriff. "Twilight's the smartest pony I've ever met; her plan of hers can't fail."
Twilight's eyes might've been closed throughout the whole skirmish, but hearing the sound of shattered wood, splattered syrup, and fluttering chicken feathers was making her vision of success all the more real. The moment she heard Pinkie belching out fire, Twilight was more than ready to declare victory. Any minute now, those longhorns will hightail out of this town, Princess Celestia will return my powers to me, Tywin shall be banished, and dear Spike will scrub every floor in the castle until his claws bleed !
Her happy thoughts were immediately interrupted when she felt herself being tapped by a certain shy pegasus. "Um, Twilight."
"Yes Fluttershy?"
"They're still here."
The moment she opened her eyes and saw the smirking longhorns with their bodies covered in barbwires, syrup, feathers, and partial flames without any indication of pain, Twilight almost felt as if all the blood in her had leaked out. "B-b-b-but this isn't suppose to happen; you were suppose to turn back and run!"
The sight of the Princess of Friendship panicking made King Longhorn let out a prickly chuckle from his iron beaten muzzle. "You actually thought that makin' us all dirty would drive us away?!" all five of them were letting out their own guffaws before King Longhorn turn back to the intimidating menace the ponies of Canter Creek know and fear. "Lil ponies! Ya know the drill; food and water, in the bags. Now!"
Knowing that Princess Twilight will never use her magic to put these outlaws in their place, all the towns ponies gave all their food and water without one complaint. By the time the last morsel of lettuce were in the hooves of the Cattle Rustlers, all the syrup was slowly starting to wash off their bodies. With all that syrup finally gone, Spike was able to get a clearer look at the large cast that's wrapped around the leg he almost bitten off. Longhorn noticed him gazing at it and found the temptation of making the little dragon feel dejected too powerful to resist.
"Takin' a good look at yer lil handiwork dragon boy? Ya must've felt like a real hero takin' that lil nibble out of my hind leg, did ya? Were ya hopin' that pretty lil mare was gonna give you a stallion's reward? Well don't push yer luck; no mare's ever gonna waste her time with some lil runt like you."
Not realizing this himself, King Longhorn seemed to have just a small amount of syrup stuck to his tender regions. And to the unsuspecting bull's dismay, Spike noticed it right away and was more than to spat out enough fire to set his cowbells aflame. The very sight of this outlaw leader hopping like a fool, fanning his burning parts with his own hat, and howling in pain like a monkey was enough to make both Ser Iron Will and Ser Bulk Biceps drop their spears due to the laughing frenzy that festered upon them.
After Angus poured a barrel of water over Longhorn's flaming crotch, Spike took this chance to dump all the salt over this big wound. "You know, with a charred pair of gonads like yours, maybe you ought to start calling yourself Queen Longhorn."
If seeing the big bull getting his own parts burnt wasn't funny for the two guards enough, they must've been coughing out their own lungs at this point. Having been humiliated by the little dragon once again, King Longhorn desperately tried to fight off the pain in order to stand himself up. "Why you buckin' lil pest! I'll...!" but the combined agony of his broken hind leg and scorched tenders proved too much for him. Upon mounting his goat, Longhorn had a few last words to say. "Go ahead, laugh! It won't change anythin'; this town will still be ours either way!"
The sound of sand blowing through the wind was the only thing the Cattle Rustlers had left the ponies of Canter Creek. If despair were a disease, than the whole town was suffering a pandemic by now. The death of the towns ponies hope seemed to hit Applejack the hardest. "We...we lost."
"But we can't lose!" Rainbow Dash denined. "We're the heroes!"
The Element of Loyalty felt the hoof of the downtrodden sheriff placed above her shoulder. "Ma'am, we've lost the moment Chilli Pepper had left." After removing the gold star from his vest, Tumbleweed let out a defeated sigh as he handed it over to Spike. "Here son, you should wear it; you're the only one who's even brave enough ta stand up ta Longhorn, unlike me."
"Wow, thanks!" Spike eagerly accepted the sheriff's gold star as he was pinning it on his scaled chest.
Before the sheriff could retreat back to his office and fill up his own spittoon with his tears, he --and everypony else--became drawned towards the sound of slow clapping that could only come from the hands of Lord Tywin. "Bravo Twilight," he said mockingly, "in all my years, I've never seen a plan fail so miserably as yours."
"This isn't the time for you to be rubbing it in my face, Tywin!" Twilight fought back. "This is a very serious matter that we have on our hooves!"
"Of course it is," Tywin countered. "Thanks to you, a band of outlaws have managed to leave this town unpunished once again. And all because you're too scared to apprehend them by any means necessary."
Twilight Sparkle could feel every blame filled glare that everypony was aiming at her. "All right everypony, I'll admit that my plan didn't exactly work, but I promise that next time will be different."
"And it will," Tywin stated, "because you won't be the one in charge of the next plan."
Twilight felt just as flabbergasted as she was when Spike turned Celestia and Luna against her. "B-b-b-but you said that if I..."
"I said if your plan worked, I would tell Princess Celestia that you may have your authority back," Tywin interrupted her. "But after your little mummer's farce of a plan, you managed to prove that Celestia had stripped you of your powers for the best. And since I'm the one who has any real authority around here, I'm going to settle all of this myself."
"If a princess couldn't stop Longhorn and his gang, what makes you any different?" some skeptical pony in the crowd shouted.
Tywin just gazed over all the towns ponies who were now curious by this stern creature that stood before them. "You think this is the first time I had to fight some weakling's battle?"
...
After my father had foolishly allowed himself to give in to Ellyn Reyne's threat and return her husband to her unharmed, Lord Reyne decided to throw a feast to celebrate and rekindle the supposed friendship between all three houses. Roger Reyne might've thought his feast would keep his House lasting for all eternity, but I however didn't even allow it to last for another year.
While my father was busy fooling around with some wet nurse, I seized this opportunity to finally finish what my father had forestalled. Alongside with Kevan and Tygett, I stood upon the main hall, awaiting for the two lords to come and answer for their insolance. It was the noon by the time I started to hear metal stomping upon the marbled floors of Casterly Rock. Lord Roger Reyne and his brother Ser Reynard Reyne, along with Lord Walderan Tarbeck and Ellyn Reyne, both being accompanied by fifteen guards each, looked at me with smiles that were drooling with defiance.
"I trust that you've all received my letters?" I said to them.
"Aye, we did," Lord Reyne admitted. All of Casterly Rock was silent but the faint flutter of shredded paper being sprinkled to the ground by the fingers of Lord Reyne.
"I take it that there's a reason why this couldn't simply be sent by a raven?" I probed.
"Always so quick to grasp a situation as ever," Lord Reyne flunged his hollow compliment at me like a catapult. "Tywin my boy..."
"That's Ser Tywin to you, you impudent son of a poxy whore!" Tygett roared loud enough to cause an avalanche.
"Be quiet, cub," Ellyn Reyne hissed. "No one was talking to you!"
"You'll have to excuse Tygett's temper, sweet sister," Ser Reynard commented. "He's only being fussy because he never got to have a knighthood like his brothers. Then again, his disrespectful attitude is probably why he hasn't earned his spurs in the first place."
Ser Reynard could have surround himself with scorpions, vipers, bears, wolves, and even dragons, and it still wouldn't stop Tygett from charging through all of them just so he could shove a blade through his throat. Tygett would of done that just now if Kevan hadn't held him back.
"You were saying, Lord Reyne?" I insisted him to get back on track.
"Tywin," Lord Reyne slowly calculated his next response, "when you sent each of us those letters that were telling us to 'answer for our crime', we decided that we're getting rather tired of having to lick the boots of you Lannisters. Which is why we've all arrived before you to let you know that as of today, House Reyne and House Tarbeck shall never bend their knees again to the gold lion."
"Is that so?" I responded. "If that's the case I hope you all have alternative Holdfasts somewhere out of the Westerlands, because the lion doesn't allow defiant beasts to stay on his lands."
"And who's to say that we can no longer stay on these lands?" Ellyn challenged me.
"Our House was declared Warden of the West by Aegon himself," Kevan reminded the Reyne bitch. "So it's clearly obvious that only a lion may rule these lands."
"You're right about one thing, Kevan," Lord Reyne said to my brother, "it does take a lion to rule these lands; just not a gold one."
Anyone, even some lackwit fool, would've figured out the Reyne's and Tarbeck's true intentions at this point. "So, you've finally decided that being second best isn't going to be enough for you," I deduced. "What pray tell caused you to fall under this madness?"
The lord of Castamere let out a soft chuckle before he offered us his details. "Tywin, your uncle dying during the War of the Ninepenny Kings was no mere coincidence. I finally realize now that mine taking command of the western forces was a clear sign from the Seven that House Reyne is meant to be the new Warden of the West."
"And House Tarbeck has the honor of being their first loyal bannerman," Lord Tarbeck declared rather proudly.
"Well, I hope that you all intend on actually succeeding this little endeavor," I gave the four traitors a feign courtesy. "It would be a shame after all if everyone of you were to suffer the same fate of the many Blackfyre pretenders who tried to take the Iron Throne."
Lord Reyne returned my subtle threat with another chuckle before letting more words come shooting from his mouth like arrows. "Tywin, before I was Lord of Castamere I slew seven Peakes in one day. What makes you think that you, your brothers, and your five hundred knights will prove any different?"
"I'd love to share my battle strategy with you," I lied, "but why spoil the surprise? If you want to find out so badly, why don't you bring both of your hosts to Casterly Rock by tomorrow?"
Ser Reynard was probably the only one who managed to contain his laughter. "Why Tywin, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you're being more generous than your father."
"You're right, this offer does seem rather too excessive," I agreed. "Which is why I suggest that you all return to those second rate ruins that you call castles before my senses return and make me call all my guards and have you all killed right where you're all standing."
Finally, those cocky smiles of theirs' had melted into irritated scowls. Without even so much as a last remark, Lord Reyne, his brother, his sister, and his brother-in-law, showed only their backs as they--along with their guards--left the halls of Casterly Rock until only I, Kevan, and Tygett, remained.
"I hope that you've got a plan in mind, brother," Kevan spoke, nervously.
"Of course I do," I gave him an ensuring answer, "you'd have to be quite the fool to send a man like Roger Reyne a letter without a plan."
"If you were to ask me, you ought to conjure up another plan," Tygett allowed his skepticism be known. "Because I fail to see how waiting for the Reynes and Tarbecks to march on Casterly Rock and slaughter us all is going to bode well for us."
"We're not going to wait for them to come to us," I told him, "we're going to bring this war straight to their doorsteps."
My words had practically left my brothers dizzy; Tygett, for the most part, seemed to have taken them in much worse as he desperately tried to find a response. "What do you mean we're not waiting for them?! You said...!"
"That we shall wait for them till tomorrow," I finished for him. "I might have said some words back there, but none of them were true. For our sake, we'd best hope that the Reynes and Tarbecks are foolish enough to believe my words and don't rush to assembling their forces. Now let's head on to the armory and prepare ourselves; the sooner we gather our host, the sooner we can ride to Tarbeck Hall."
Before I could even manage to leave one footstep towards the armory, I found myself being face-to-face with Kevan. "Host? What host? Tywin, have you forgotten that most of our men had perished back at the War of the Ninepenny Kings? Our five hundred knights are going to look like a speck of dust compared to a thousand Tarbecks or a thousand Reynes! And even if we were to call one of our vassals, what makes you think any of them will even want to fight for us?!"
Wanting to set my brother at ease, I decided to prove him otherwise. "Ser Ilyn!" knowing how vast every hall of Casterly Rock is, anyone can rely only on their echoes to summon someone. After my call finally fade away, the only sound that came after were that of the slow metallic stomps that was coming from the footsteps of Ser Ilyn Payne: captain of our household guard. Upon finally presenting himself, he removed his helm to reveal the grim somber face that would one day meet anyone who dares to break the King's law. "Ser Ilyn, how many soldiers does your House provide?"
"Three thousand men-at-arms and three thousand crossbowmen, ser," said Ser Ilyn, using his tongue to its fullest.
"And does House Payne remain loyal to the gold lion?"
"Our men are yours, ser."
"Good. Go gather them all; we ride for Tarbeck Hall."
Covered from head-to-toe in crimson armor, with a sword by my side and a helm within my grasp, I was now making my descent down the almost endless steps that accompany the entrance of Casterly Rock to join with my brothers and five hundred knights. Just when I held my horse's reign in my clutches, I heard a woman's wail that echoed my name. I looked up and saw my sister hastily dashing down the immense steps towards me.
"Genna, why aren't you keeping father distracted with Gerion?" I gave her a mild scolding.
"Don't worry, Gerion's already taking care of father," she assured me. "I just wanted to see you off...and to tell you something." She carefully inched herself closer and whispered a few words. "Tywin, you're the man that our father will never be; and if you die today, our House will die too. Please brother, don't let them kill you!"
"I won't," I stated it more like a common fact than an actual promise. With that said I mounted on my warhorse, placed my helm on my head, and wasted no time in leading my host to Tarbeck Hall.
My brothers and I stood atop a cliff with our five hundred knights and the six thousand combined forces of House Payne, looking down upon the pitiful mustering of men-at-arms at Tarbeck Hall. The plains were littered with pavilons that belonged to lesser lords even lower than our own vassals, green soldiers wandering around aimlessly while donning only half of their armor, and undisciplined sellswords getting themselves drunk on strong wine.
As we were taking this view to sink in, a scout of ours came rushing and fell to one knee before us. "How many did you count?" I asked him.
"There's a thousand of them, in total," the scout reported.
"Did you happen to spot Walderan Tarbeck amongst them?"
"Aye, he and his sons are there as well."
After dismissing the scout, I then gave Ser Ilyn my orders. "Have your crossbowmen rain some bolts upon them, then send your vanguard down and finish the rest."
"Yes ser," for someone of a simple mindset like Ser Ilyn Payne, he still managed to have his forces organized in their proper positions rather quickly. What started first was the sound of arrows being shot from crossbows, and then all that came after was a symphony of agony. While the crossbowmen begun to reload, Ser Ilyn and his three thousand foot soldiers were descending down the wide hill to make quick work of Lord Tarbeck's weakend forces. It didn't take too long for some of the Tarbeck men to start fleeing for their lives, but I saw to it that they wouldn't escape the lion's wrath when I ordered Kevan to ride down with our five hundred mounted knights and devour all stragglers with their swords.
"This battle ended much faster than I thought," Tygett said astonishingly.
"What can you expect when you someone who still has his breeches down?" I told my brother. "Come along Tygett, let's get a closer look."
The crossbowmen followed Tygett and I down the hill as we were strolling through this plain of bloody corpses and damaged pavilons. I was hearing nothing but half-dead men screaming for help until my brother shouted, "Tywin, that Reyne just sent a raven; we better shoot it down, fast!"
"No," I commanded. "Let the bird fly to Castamere; it'll only make defeating the Reynes all the more easier."
It wasn't even five seconds by the time Kevan finally reunited with us. "Good news brothers, Lord Tarbeck's army has been completely shattered."
"How many casualities on our part?" I inquired.
"Thirteen wounded, and only four were killed. Other than that, we should still have more than enough to face the Reynes."
"Ser Tywin!" Ser Ilyn's voice boomed like thunder as he--and some of his men--dragged a broken Lord Tarbeck and his remaining sons before us. One of Lord Walderan's eyes might've been bloodied, but he still knew a lion of Casterly Rock when he saw one.
"T-T-T-Tywin," his voice rasped with fear, "w-w-what in Seven Hells are you doing here?!"
"Oh Lord Tarbeck, tell me that you weren't really stupid enough to believe that farce I told you." I taunted him.
Despite his injuries, Lord Tarbeck managed to muster up a nervous smile before pleading. "All right Tywin, you've proven yourself the better man; I know when I'm beaten. Just let me and my sons live and I'll be more than willing to renew my allegiance to your House."
The way I kept my gaze upon him would've almost driven him to insanity, had I not finally unnerved him with the sound of my voice. "You should've thought of that before pledging yourself to House Reyne." I then turned my gaze to Ser Ilyn. "Chop off his head and those of his sons, cousins, and any man wearing a seven-pointed blue-and-silver star on their surcoat. When you're done, have them all on spears and present them to Lady Tarbeck." I then gave the Lord of Tarbeck Hall my parting words. "You may scream if you like, my father can't save you this time." With that said, I then made my way to the opened gates of Tarbeck Hall while I left Ser Ilyn Payne to take care of his order.
The Tarbeck's were so certain of their victory that they never bothered to close down their gates by the time we arrived and left their entire army to rot all over the plains. But my brothers and I had no reason to complain; this only made our seige all the more easier. With our little welcoming gesture put into place, I then called the Reyne bitch out and watched her peak from above the keep and took a good look at the many heads laid before her.
"Lady Tarbeck," I shouted, "what you see in front of you is the penalty of defiance. Your scheme to steal Castly Rock has failed; come out right now and your head may join with your husband's."
Her response came in the form of a ball of spit that landed near my feet. "The Others can take you, Tywin! I'll be a pile of blood and bones before I answer to the likes of you!"
"That, my lady, can be arranged," I then turned my back on the stubborn cunt to give my men new orders. "Head to the nearest woods and start building siege engines!"
A day had passed since I gave the command, and after all the hard labor my men put themselves through, they managed to construct one siege engine. It may have seemed less than we need, but for a minature half-crumbling fortress like Tarbeck Hall, one siege engine can have the same force and power of a hundred. With the one siege engine, it only had to fling one boulder to bring the very foundation of Tarbeck Hall had crumbled to the ground with all that remained of Ellen Reyne and her last son.
"What shall we do now, brother?" Kevan inquired.
"Burn it," I said flatly. "No one's going to be inhabiting this pile of rubble any time soon."
That night, the flames that were blazing amidst the ruins of Tarbeck Hall almost made it feel as if the sun had risen early. When I took my eyes off of this bonfire, I allowed myself to listen to the thunderous chants of, "Tywin! Tywin! Tywin!" coming from my host. But before we could begin to celebrate, the sound of a horn had caught us by surprise. Despite the pitch black of night drenching the entire surrounding, I could see the two thousand warriors of House Reyne charging towards us.
Immediately taking charge of the situation, I quickly mounted my horse (as well as my brothers and knights who followed my example) and gave my host the next command. "Form up, men! These traitors think that they have the advantage over us; so let's show them otherwise! Charge!"
I stood back with the crossbowmen as I watched my brothers gallop with our mounted knights and remaining foot soldiers towards the oncoming horsemen of House Reyne. Everywhere I looked I could see horses ramming into eachother, men-at-arms unfortunate enough to face the ultimate disadvantage of fighting someone on horseback, Ser Ilyn having all kinds of body parts be flunged everywhere with every slash of his blade, I even saw one of our men bashing a Reyne soldier's face with his own helm only to have a horseman drive a spear through his ears!
It was then that I heard combined shouts of "Castamere!" and "Hear Me Roar!" that I noticed two gold lions clashing against two red lions. Kevan would carefully parry each blow that Ser Reynard tried to lash at him while occasionally clanging his blade along with Reynard's (when given the chance), but Tygett wouldn't even allow Lord Roger a chance to breathe as he kept on attacking him as if he were holding a mace instead of a sword. I can already guess that Lord Roger was just waiting for Tygett to run out of breath so he could jam his blade straight to his heart or throat.
After quickly disposing of three Reyne knights attempting to kill me, I took hold of a nearby crossbowman's crossbow and took aim at the Red Lion. Just as Roger Reyne raised up his blade, I pulled the trigger and let the arrow punch through his breastplate, between his shoulders, and watch the Lord of Castamere drop from his own destrier. It was at this moment that Ser Reynard must've realized that their days were now numbered; quickly placing his wounded brother on his horse, Ser Reynard shouted for whatever remained of his host to retreat back to Castamere.
The sight of our enemies fleeing away gave my men reason to shout in celebration; but I was still quick to silence them all. "Stop your hollering at once! Now's not the time to be celebrating; our enemy is still on the run! Ride with me to Castamere and finish these traitors!"
As the remainder of our army was preparing for the long march to Castamere, Kevan trotted beside me on his destrier and said, "Tywin, shouldn't we at least bury some of our fallen men before we give pursuit?"
"No," I replied, "that'll just give the Reynes more time to ready their defenses. Besides, the crows should be more than willing to see to the dead."
Not one man had cease their constant sprinting for a chance to relax or to lay down on the ground for sleep to take them for days. By the time we finally arrived to Castamere, our horses were almost to the brink of death and the soldiers who had to run by foot were tempted to let themselves collapse upon the soil. Expecting the gates to be closed and swarming with archers, the sight of it being left opened and defenseless like the gates of Tarbeck Hall took everyone by surprise. My exhausted host didn't seem all that disappointed by the lack of any Reyne soldiers for them to fight, but I wouldn't have it said that I allowed my men to lower their guards.
"Keep your swords ready," I ordered, "this is probably a trap."
The inside of the fort was no different than it was from the outside; every plate and silverware was left on all the tables, banners of the red lion were trampled on the ground, and not a sound--save that of our footsteps--could be heard anywhere. Our trek through Castamere was about to be cut short if it hadn't been for the sudden slam of a door echoing over the halls. Like trained hounds, two of my knights went searching for the cause of the abrupt noise and came back with some peasant.
"Please ser," he pleaded, "don't hurt me! I'm not armed, I swear!"
"Where are the overs?" I interrogated him.
"Upon Ser Reynard's return, he insisted that everyone be evacuated to the mines for our protection."
It finally made sense; when you're ever being chased by men who wants your head, what better place to hide than underground mines? A bit of me wanted to kick myself for a fool for forgetting Castamere's legendary mines, but I had some more questions to ask this stray lowborn. "What drove you to leave the protection of your mine's?"
The peasant finally decided to rise on his feet. "Ser Reynard has bid me to give you his terms of surrender."
The red lion bows again . "Very well, tell me his terms."
"He...he says that he shall take full responsibility for his brother's defiance, and that he'll gladly forfeit a portion of House Reyne's lands as compensation for the debt owed to House Lannister. Shall I tell him your reply, ser?"
I was now getting tired of having to look at this man's face; I only had to say Ser Ilyn's name and my captain of the guard had no trouble in slicing a quarter of the peasant's face and let all the blood in his head ooze all over the clean floor. Deciding not to keep the Reynes waiting any further, I turned to some of my men and said, "Seal the doors that lead to the mines, I don't want anyone inside them to escape." While they ran off to take care of that, I then turned to the rest. "All of you go to the stream and start building a dam."
When I was finally out of Castamere, Kevan spoke to me. "Tywin, wouldn't it be far more quicker if we just head in and behead them instead of starving them?"
"These rebels plotted to usurp our ancestral seat and titles," I reminded him. "A simple beheading is too merciful for the likes of them. And I'm not planning on starving them, either; I have a more fitting punishment in mind."
Everyone in the Seven Kingdoms are familiar with the cavern-like mines of Castamere, what they don't know is that certain parts of the mine have small cracks that could allow water to leak in. And once the stream had been dammed up, the leaking water mixed with a sealed shut door preventing anyone to escape makes for a perfect death trap. I was outside while all the Reynes and their smallfolk slowly drowned within their own mines, but I can still imagine the screams of terror they let out as they desperately tried to hold on to their last breath. Soon after, the knights I sent in to listen finally came to bring me the news.
"The screaming's stopped, ser."
"Very well then," I said, "Let's burn this place and go home."
Victory was the souvenir that we brought with us to Casterly Rock. With House Reyne and House Tarbeck permanently eradicated, House Lannister had finally been brought back to its rightful place as the most powerful House in all the Westerlands. As my brothers and I were making our way to the main hall, we heard the sound of a lute and our sister's voice reciting lyrics that'll forever come from the lips of every Lannister soldier.
There sat our father, with Gerion and Genna by his side. My dear sister had left our father the moment she saw me. After receiving both a hug and a kiss on my cheek, Genna told me how news of my victory spread fast. "You did it Tywin, you saved our House!"
"What was that song I heard you singing?" I asked her.
Gerion answered for her. "It's a little tribute I written myself; I call it the Rains of Castamere."
"Oh, and no song for the Tarbecks I presume?"
"I tried, but the Crumbles of Tarbeck Hall doesn't have much of a ring to it."
I noticed the melancholy look on my father's face that hinted that he wanted to speak with me alone. "Gerion, why don't you sing your new song to Lord Farman? I bet he'll love to listen to it."
"If you say so, brother," he then left, and no sooner did the rest of my siblings leave as well. When it was just me who gave my father company, he finally found it in himself to speak. "When you were just a babe, I heard that you bit your grandfather's finger when he ruffled your hair. I had a feeling ever since that you'd have a bit of a beastly nature inside yourself; but to go so far as to kill not one, but two of my own bannermen, I honestly don't know the words to describe you, son."
"I was expecting more of a 'thank you', Father," I said.
"This isn't a laughing matter, Tywin! You just killed thousands of people! This is something that the Gods, and all the Seven Kingdoms shall never forget! If you keep going down this path you'll be forever remembered as a merciless monster!"
"Good. It'll be a much better reputation than yours, that's for certain." My father finally lost any willpower to talk and kept his gaze down to the floor. "The Tarbeck's and Reyne's demise is more your fault than it ever will be mine; if you hadn't allow yourself to be taken advantage of so easily, I never would've had resort to such lengths to ensure our survival. You're too weak to be a lord, Father. No one will respect or fear you, but so long as I'm still alive no one will ever doubt our might again." Our maester came scurrying towards me and handed me a letter. After reading it, I had this to say to my father. "It looks like I shan't be staying home much longer."
"Why is that, Tywin?"
"Because our new king is in need of a new Hand."
...
Everypony stared at Tywin with both fear of the way he describes killing thousands of people with no hint of guilt and awe at the authority that practically exhales from his own breath. One of the towns ponies finally decided to muster a few words to say. "Ya really did kill all of 'em?"
"Precisely," Tywin clarified, "the Reynes and Tarbecks sought to destroy my family, so I took it upon myself to stop them by any means necessary. And to this day, the burnt ruins of Castamere and Tarbeck Hall are looked upon now as a reminder that the gold lion will never be killed easily." Unless Tyrion hasn't already killed everyone else at this point .
"So does this mean that you'll help us?" the former sheriff asked.
"If I can wipe out two families then one band of outlaws shouldn't be any different," Tywin declared. "Besides, someone has to fix Princess Twilight's blunder."
"Hey!" Twilight shouted defensively.
"I'll discuss more on your incompetence later," Tywin promised, "but for now, I must needs talk with my guards, privately."
Nopony understood why Tywin had them summoned to the saloon. Twilight noticed that all of the individual round tables were replaced with this one long table big enough for at least twelve ponies to have their feast. Seeing the Lord Regent standing in front of the stage with her former "assistant" by his side, she finally noticed that his two bodyguards were nowhere to be seen.
"Uh, Tywin," she asked cautiously, "is there a reason why Iron Will and Bulk Biceps are not around?"
"It's nothing for you to concern yourself with," Tywin told her. "All you have to do is stand next to your friends, not say anything, and watch."
Twilight didn't even lift a hoof before she heard the sound of the doors being slammed against the walls and revealing the unexpected arrival of the Cattle Rustlers! Each one donned refined suits (at least by the town's standards); Angus McSteer's suit was light gray with a red ascot tie poking out of it the way a rooster would puff out its chest to impress hens, Jersey Shore's suit was colored with a brown sandy texture, Doc's suit was so yellow that it could make a bannanna turn pale, Buffalo Bill's suit came with a bolo tie that looked like it were choking him and had a red pattern that could've almost be mistaken for blood, and finally the suit that King Longhorn chose to wear was layered with light and dark blue stripes in a clear attempt to make everypony overlook his cast and the bag of ice taped to the burnt area that use to be his genitals.
"What in tarnation are these varmints' doin' here?!" Applejack cried out.
"I invited them," Tywin let that statement to drop like a hammer on steel.
"Say that again?!" Applejack thought for a moment the stress was making her slightly deaf.
"He ain't pullin' yer tail, lil pony," Longhorn sneered, "Lord Grandpa over there sent us an invitation fer a grand feast, and he told us ta wear our best suits."
Now it was Twilight's turn to do a double take from what she just heard. "This is your plan?!" she whispered to Tywin while trying her best to control her voice's volume.
"I told you to be quiet," Tywin replied softly as his hard gaze froze her back to her former position. With Twilight back in her place, Tywin turned his attention back to the Cattle Rustlers for the sake of giving these guests a proper greeting. "I'm very pleased that you've decided to join us."
"Is that so?" Longhorn's tone seemed to drip with skepticism. "Ya don't exactly strike me as the hospitable type."
"One must never judge soley on appearances," Tywin lectured the outlaws.
"Say, where are them bodyguards of yers?" Doc Holstein asked suspiciously.
"On the next 'train' back to Ponyville," they could tell that Tywin was adjusting this new word to his vocabulary. "I didn't want their presence to spoil the feast."
"Ya call this a feast?!" Angus threw the news of Iron Will's and Bulk Bicep's disappearance away like old bread. "I see one hay of a table, but no food or any drinks on it! You some kind of amateur?!"
With two claps of his hands, Tywin signalled for the ponies working at this saloon to present the food that they had to offer. Plates of biscuits dipped in warm honey, a tower of nachos with a bowl of red dipping sauce, mountains of fresh apple fritters, a giant loaf of hay bread, and an overflowing bowl of mashed potatoes with a bowl of hot gravy were placed together upon the long table. The sight of the delictable dishes might've made each of their mouths' water, but what brought their saliva to start pouring out like waterfalls was the moment four large barrels of hard cider were being rolled out to them.
"I trust that this should suffice for now?" Tywin made sure the bulls were completely satisfied.
After taking their seats, King Longhorn spoke for all of them. "As long as y'all keep fillin' our mugs with cider, y'all will hear no complaints."
The night was one of triumph and merriment for the Cattle Rustlers. When they were not binging on hard cider, they were devouring the entire smorgasbord as if none of them had eaten for months; and when they're not leaving a mess of crumbs all over the floor, they would laugh in delight of the dancing mares on stage while listening to the former sheriff play the piano.
Despite draining four barrels of hard cider, not one of them gave in to the temptation to pass out or vomit one another's laps. While four of the bulls took a slice of the hay bread, Angus took the whole loaf for himself. After biting off almost all of it, Angus felt like drinking some more cider to make the morsel go down his throat more easily. Rather than chug down the whole mug, the half drunk stupor he was in told him to pour the rest in his own hat and drink from that. Jersey Shore had been wolfing down on five apple fritters at a time while he would occasionally bellow for another refill. Buffalo Bill's suit had been stained in so much honey from eating every last biscuit that he can be seen licking any bits of honey that he could find on his body. On this rare occasion of Doc Holstein finally removing the bandana from his muzzle, he scooped up a mouthful of mashed potatoes but didn't start chewing until he poured some gravy over it. King Longhorn may have tried one dish at a time, but when his eyes became set upon the tower of nachos his stomach demanded the whole plate. While he sat there munching an entire plateful of nachos, his half drunk trance mistook the bowl of dipping sauce for his mug. The sauce must've been made from peppers because the moment Longhorn drank the whole bowl he was frantically picking up any random mug for at least one drop of hard cider, only to find that all were empty.
"More cider!" Longhorn hollered with fire in his throat.
"There's only one barrel left," the barkeep warned him.
"Then bring me the buckin' barrel!"
Not wanting to face the wrath of a half drunk bull, the barkeep rolled the last barrel straight to King Longhorn and watched him punch a big hole into it and chug every ounce of hard cider from the barrel. Noticing that most of the cider was spilling, Doc grabbed his mug and placed it under pouring liquid until it was full. Upon hearing the barrel hit the floor, the next sound to come to everyone's ears was the sound of Longhorn belching for fifteen seconds. While all the bulls were laughing their hides off, Rarity was looking at them with disgust on her face like makeup, but Rainbow Dash was trying her best to keep herself from crying over all that cider that she never got to drink.
Getting that out of his system, Longhorn's mild intoxication had him talking to anyone he sees. "Ya know Tumbleweed, ya maybe a lousy sheriff but ya sure are one hay of a piano player. As fer you Lord Grandpa, ya sure can throw a good feast. My gang and I could get used ta this when this town is ours."
It was now Tywin's turn to talk. "What makes you so certain of that?"
Longhorn's iron grin slowly started to come back while a chuckle started to rumble in his throat. "Because I happen ta have the one thing that nopony in this town has." That's when he rummaged through the inside of his suit and took out a particular piece of paper.
"That's the deed ta Rancho Bronco!" Applejack jolted. "How long have ya had that?!"
"Since the day Chili Pepper had left Canter Creek," Longhorn replied as he placed the deed back in his suit.
"Ah hogwash," Applejack scoffed, "even if my great granduncle were ta hightail out of Canter Creek he never would've let Rancho Bronco fall inta yer hooves!"
"I know, that's why we had ta make him."
A little part of Applejack might've known what Longhorn was implying, but even she would like to make sure of it. "Ya sayin' that you and yer flea-ridden bovine gang beat him up 'til he gave ya the deed?!"
"We did nothin' of the sort, lil pony...we only turned him inta buzzard chow." Looking at Applejack's appaled face made King Longhorn's grin all the more vile. "Yer great granduncle was a brave stallion and a strong leader (unlike that sorry excuse of a sheriff), but that's why he was such a problem ta us. Rancho Bronco is the key ta ownin' this town and Chili Pepper sure as hay wasn't goin' ta let us have it. That's why me and my boys barged inta his house at night, and dragged him all the way ta the farthest part of the desert. We each took a turn poundin' the livin' daylights out of him; we just didn't make it quick fer him. Before I put Chili Pepper out of his misery, I of course took the deed from him and that's when I finally shoved my horn inta his wound very slowly--ta savor his agony. Ya want ta know the last thing yer great granduncle said before he died? Nothin' important, he only started ta squeal like a lil pig; and I think it went somethin' like this!"
The sound of Longhorn mockingly imitating Chili Pepper's death cry may have resulted in a chorus of laughter from his gang, but Applejack only gave him a loud cry that demanded his blood as she charge for an attempt to beat down that iron grin of his only to have her tail be pulled back by Twilight's magic.
"Applejack, don't!" Twilight shouted. "You can't just attack welcomed guests!"
"Consarn it Twi," Applejack roared her frustration, "when are ya gonna accept the fact that they're just no-good criminals already?!"
Watching Applejack and Twilight Sparkle squabble with eachother gave King Longhorn a speck of amusement. "Ya should listen ta yer princess, lil pony; she at least knows how ta respect her superiors. When I took that deed ta Rancho Bronco, my plan was ta wait a few weeks until it was legally declared abandoned. But since even yer princess is too chicken ta stand up ta me, it would seem that I'll be havin' my own kingdom quite early!"
Great, another outlaw wanting to play king , Tywin thought to himself. "As the Ironborn would like to put it, 'you've just paid the iron price'."
"Ironborn?!" Buffalo Bill spat out his exclamation. "Dag nabbit Longhorn, I told ya we should've come up with a better name than 'Cattle Rustlers'!"
"Ah shut up and suck on more of that honey that's still on yer hooves!" King Longhorn silenced him.
Spike felt a tap on his shoulder which made him turn and spot a sheet music in front of his face with his new father's fingers clenched to it. Realizing what Tywin wanted him to do, the little dragon grabbed the paper and walked towards Tumbleweed. "Excuse me Sheriff."
"It's just Tumbleweed now, son," Tumbleweed sighed, "I ain't no sheriff anymore."
No bucking shit, crybaby . "My dad would like you to play this for him."
Tumbleweed was already surprised even before he looked over the sheet of music Spike handed to him. "Yer father wrote this?"
"Oh no, I did most of the work for him; he only gave me an idea on how this particular song if it were played by piano."
Not feeling like questioning Tywin's son any further, Tumbleweed placed the paper in front of him and started to pound the right keys. While most of the tunes the disgraced sheriff had been playing were fast and upbeat, the slow and somewhat grim tune he is now playing had caught everypony--including the outlaw bulls--comepletely unawares. (For not everypony has ever heard the Rains of Castamere on a piano before.) Despite the music only being played for a minute, the silence that surrounded the whole saloon felt like an eternity.
"What in Tartarus was that?!" Jersey Shore made his confusion clear.
"I don't know," Doc commented, "but it sure as hay ain't no tune that I'll ever dance ta."
Doc Holstein was in the middle of having his last mug of cider when Tywin suddenly said, "King Longhorn, are you familiar with the High Valyrian term that states that 'all men must die'?"
"What is this, some kind of riddle?" Longhorn dismissed it as a poor attempt at humor; but Tywin's silence proved otherwise. "All right, I give up. What is it?"
"Two words," as Tywin was stepping closer to the table, he could sense Longhorn's distress the moment his face was only a few centimeters next to one another. "Valar Morghulis!"
The sounds of glass shattering combined with the shrieking of Fluttershy and Rarity caused Longhorn to stir until his eyes could see his fellow abettor, Doc Holstein, having a long spear sticking through the back of his head to the table--with his mug stuck within the shaft. Angus was the first to break as he attempted to make a run for the door that lead to where the food and cider had entered; but his drunkenness betrayed him in the end when it allowed the panicked bull to collide with an oncoming Ser Iron Will and his spear! As if being impaled in the stomach wasn't already painful enough, Angus found himself being lifted high up where he saw the minotaur knight's fierce face getting closer as his body slowly ooze down the shaft.
Jersey Shore would've rushed towards Ser Iron Will if the sound of the front door slamming hadn't diverted his gaze to meet Ser Biceps and become embraced by a sharp hug from his dual swords. When both blades finally parted from the brown bull's sides, Jersey's top half had tumbled to the floor leaving all his blood and intestines to leak all over. Buffalo Bill let out a roar as he jumped from his seat in an attempt to land at least one punch at the muscular pegasus; however, his brash act only allowed him to position himself for Ser Biceps to pin him against the wall, shove one blade into an eye socket overlaid with a white spot (now smeared with blood), and using the other blade to carve into his neck until he raised the bull's head while letting out a victory "Yeah!"
By the time Ser Iron Will left Angus McSteer skewered atop the table like a suckling pig, King Longhorn knew that he was next. The outnumbered bull soon set his eyes upon Tywin until his rage started to kick in. "Why you sneaky old...!" his curse had ended abruptly the same time he found himself knocked to the floor and at the mercy of the two knight's fury. Now a beaten and battered mess with a black-eye, cut lip, and a few missing teeth, Longhorn could do nothing but let himself be held by Tywin's guards while the former digged inside his suit until the deed was in his hands.
"Ya...ya rotten liar...!" Longhorn fought through his pain to let out more curses. "Ya told me yer guards were gone!"
"Only a fool would ever take my word," Tywin add insult to injury. Just ask Princess Twilight .
"Yer princess won't stand fer this!"
"Let her spew her curses; her words have no power over me."
"But she's...!"
"A powerless figure who answers to me. She might've tolerated you and rabble running rampant all over this town as you please, but a lion never bows to cows." Tywin decided to end the conversation. "Hold him in a cell until tomorrow."
When the subdued King Longhorn was finally dragged out of the saloon, Tywin handed the deed to Rancho Bronco back to Applejack before receiving a yell from Twilight. "What have you done?!"
"What you should've done," Tywin retorted. A yawn had escaped from his mouth as if signalling him to rest. "I'd best have a goodnights sleep if I plan on getting the execution finished before our ride back to Ponyville comes. In the meantime, why don't you all make yourselves useful and start cleaning this mess."
Before any mops or buckets of water could be brought out, Spike started to hand some ponies large black bags. "What are these bags for?" Pinkie asked.
"For the bodies," Tywin explained, "it would be a shame to let good meat go to waste."
If Fluttershy were holding a glass of wine when she heard this, she probably would've let it crash to the floor. "Y-y-you mean that you're gonna e-eat them?"
"Exactly," Tywin spoke his last words for the night.
Rarity had fainted the moment she saw Angus get impaled, Fluttershy was now joining her.
...
The rays of the sun had poured red blaze all over Canter Creek after that bloody feast from last night. It was blood that the towns ponies were expecting to see as each were crowding eachother to get a good look at the vanquished outlaw that used to be the bane of this town be brought to his knees before receiving Tywin's punishment. Speaking of which, Lord Tywin was given space by the ponies to walk over to the beaten outlaw as his voice became loud enough for everypony to hear.
"King Longhorn, for the crime of assaulting the town's sheriff, assualting an Element of Harmony, for countless destruction of property, and for the murder of Chili Pepper; in the name of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, I, Tywin Lannister, Lord Regent of Ponyville, hereby sentence you to die. Care to share your final words for all to hear?"
Longhorn's chuckle felt dry and hoarse to everyone's ears, the words that came with it didn't sound any better. "Ya think killin' me and my gang is gonna save this town? There are far more worse outlaws who would dogpile on this town after word of this reaches their ears. The moment you leave and put that wimpy sheriff back in charge, this town is gonna be real bucked up the flank!"
"That's not going to happen," Tywin leaned closer and whispered to the only ear Longhorn had that wasn't bloodied. "Your death shall be a warning to any future criminals who think they can take over any town; and if any other brain-dead cow tries to do what you've done, Sheriff Tumbleweed only has to send me a letter and I'll be here to put them down. And in time, every criminal shall learn to fear my name."
"What can an old geezer like you do that nopony else can?" Longhorn whispered his doubt.
Tywin didn't have to say anything to get his point across; he only had to slid out a knife, slit his own throat, and watch the horror in Longhorn's eyes as it didn't bleed and healed itself in a blink. Pacing back a few steps, Tywin gave Ser Iron Will a nod and the minotaur kinght finally pulled the giant axe with both hands from his back and let it fall on King Longhorn's neck with all his strength!
Lifting up the sand covered head by the horns, Tywin gave it to the sheriff and said, "Put it with the rest of them." The towns ponies were finally going about their business after Tumbleweed ran off with Longhorn's head, Tywin then turned back to Ser Iron. "Bag that body up as well." The minotaur wasted no time in taking out another black bag.
"Are we gonna eat his body too?" Spike wondered.
"No, the other bodies shall be more than enough for us," Tywin told his son. "This one we'll just give to Tytan."
It took them nearly thirty five minutes to get all their baggage onboard the train (including the five bodies), luckily for them that train wasn't about to leave for another ten minutes. As everyone lingered near the train station until departure, Spike felt like asking his father something. "Dad, where's Bulk Biceps?"
"After tossing Longhorn in a cell, he requested for a certain reward for his service," Tywin explained. "The last time I saw he was heading back to that place called the 'saloon'." I just pray that he doesn't plan on fucking every whore in that place .
"Lord Tywin!" everypony can recognize Bulk Biceps yell when they hear it. When the muscular pegasus finally came within closer view, Tywin finally noticed the pink furred, pink manned, pink dress wearing mare that was on the knight's back.
"Ser Biceps, who is this?" Tywin inquired.
"This is Sassy-Parilla..." Bulk Biceps had a little trouble before saying these next words. "She's my wife!"
"Mazel tov!" Pinkie cheered.
"Care to explain this," Tywin demanded.
Bulk Biceps remembered as much as he could. "Well my lord, I went over to the saloon, had a few drinks, went in bed with Sassy and then this morning I find this preacher telling us that we've been married! I was wondering my lord if it's OK for her to come along?"
You and your whore should be lucky that you're not Tyrion . "Just go inside the train."
After letting out another "Yeah!" Ser Biceps carried his new bride into the train. With that out of the way, Tywin now only had to deal with Twilight's angry glare. "That wasn't a peaceful solution."
"But it was an effective solution," Tywin pointed out, "can't argue with the results."
"Just so we're clear, that's not at all how I would've handle this." Twilight stated.
"I know," Tywin didn't deny, "which is why it was all the more better that I took full control of the situation. At the poor rate you were leading you would've had those outlaws living in your castle by now."
"That is not what I had in mind!" Twilight retorted defensively. "I would've just slowly move their hideout away from Canter Creek's boundaries while requesting Princess Celestia to make Rancho Bronco a historical site and then use Longhorn's destruction of it as a fair cause to use my magic against him."
Tywin, Spike, and all of Twilight's friends were giving her the same irritated look someone would have after hearing something incredibly stupid and ridiculous. "You like making things needlessly complicated, don't you?" said Tywin.
"Yep, that's Twilight Sparkle for ya," Spike agreed. "That's just the same kind of drawn out tediousness that should be expected from the same pony who had me send a report to Celestia despite being in the same area and ten steps away from telling her what she learned in person."
"Well at least I'm not a killer!" Twilight retorted.
"What makes you think that Longhorn's and his band of criminals deaths weren't as much of your doing?" Tywin challenged her. "Does your magic ever kill any of your enemies?"
"Technically no, but..."
"Then it's plain to see that their demise is clearly your fault. Had you only just apprehended them with your magic in the first place, you could've spared those bulls this cruel fate; but you had to chose to be incompetent instead."
"Well excuse me for acting like the Princess of Friendship! You think I wanted it to end this way?!"
"Who cares? Them murderers got what they deserve."
This darker side of Applejack made Twilight Sparkle hold her breath. "Applejack, how can you say such a thing?!"
"Those varmints killed my great granduncle like some animal!" that's because you are animals , Tywin kept that thought to himself. "Why shouldn't I feel this way about 'em?! In fact Twi, what makes ya think ya can still call yerself the 'Princess of Frienship' after all that trouble you'd put the whole town through? Longhorn assaults the sheriff and you did nothin', Longhorn knocks me senseless and you did nothin', yer plan ta stop him failed and you just gave up, even after he confessed ta murderin' Chili Pepper you had the nerve ta hold me back! You claim that ya didn't have any cause ta use yer magic; except them bulls were practically givin' you all the cause ya needed. Some reliable friend you turned out ta be."
"All aboard!"
No one felt like speaking through the whole train ride; Applejack was too caught up in her new bitterness, Twilight Sparkle was stunned by how much her own has little faith in her, and Ser Biceps was busy caressing his new wife. As for Tywin, he only looked out the window to get a good look at his handiwork. Passing the train was the welcome sign of Canter Creek, in front of it stood the five heads of the Cattle Rustlers on wooden pikes with a sign written in black paint: OUTLAWS BEWARE ! Those heads use to be the worst nightmare of everypony in Canter Creek; but like the Reynes and Tarbecks, they're nothing more than another cautionary tale.
