Celestia Kills A Teacup With Luna
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Author's Note
"This is a bad idea."
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Princess Celestia’s name, in the gryphon tongue, was ‘E’kre’bek’squawk’, which, loosely translated, meant ‘She of Infinite Blazing Anger of the Sunflower’.
At the start, it was simply a bad approximation of her moniker. But the name soon found itself cemented in truth, following the famous ‘I will eat your children’ incident of ‘42. And ever since then, Princess Celestia was known to the Gryphons as the one who would eventually bring ruination to them all due to a particularly bad case of the morning crankies.
To the Gryphons, any ambassador seeking to form a treaty with the Pony Hinterlands was said to be ‘walking the red mile’ – in fact a slow carriage-ride that trailed through the Peniform Forests and the Cragstroke Mountains, both full of wondrous beasts with sharp teeth and venomous claws. But that, as they said, was the comforting part, for at the journey’s end was a place where one was usually prone to be strung up and tarred for weeks on end, while the ponies in the street would pelt food at you, and your only hope of survival would be a rotten apple that would fly close enough to your beak so that you could eat once every two days.
Tarring, as the rumour went, was one of E’kre’bek’squawk’s favourite forms of torture toward the Gryphons, as it didn’t require a follow up of feathering later.
She was efficient, if nothing else.
As the carriage trundled down the rocky path, Captain Jacques P. Sootstone of the Sootstone clan held the missive tightly in his clawed grip. He was chosen for this task by the government due to his long-standing service.
He heralded the start of the Flibber-eel wars and led their army into victory.
He was integral in the new reforms that eventually led their people to a new golden era of peace and avian harmony.
He owned three well-trained poodle-badgers, the most ferocious and untamable animals this side of the mountains, which were able to do flips and fetches at his command.
Today, he was shaking.
He knew the truth behind why he was chosen – he had made the mistake of spilling pasta on the wings of the dignitary Johannes von Emberswipe’s beautiful wife at that party last week. And today he was being given the ‘opportunity’ to forge an alliance between their kingdom and the wonderful bountiful lands of the Pony tribe.
He wished he was back at war.
~ ~ ~
“He’s late.”
Princess Luna nodded. “Yes, my Sister.”
“He’s late.” Celestia repeated, a mere one second later.
“Please, Sister,” Luna begged. “He said he would be here at one. It is only eleven-thirty at the moment.”
“It’s one somewhere, isn’t it?” Celestia leaned over, staring past her hoof at Luna.
She sat in her Royal Business Chair, the one with all the golden filigrees and the carvings and stuff, at the end of the Audience Hall. Her chin was firmly planted on her upturned hoof, and her lower legs were crossed in annoyance.
Luna sat in the Auxiliary Dealsworth Chair to the right of Celestia. It was smaller than the Royal Business one, but no less fancy.
Along the sides of the room stood guards at the ready, statuesque in their gleaming bronze armor. They were merely there for show of force.
Celestia tapped her hoof on the armrest, demanding an answer. “Isn’t it?”
Luna sighed. “Yes, Sister. It is currently one in Zambambialand.”
“Damn Zebras!” Celestia growled.
“What… did they do?” Luna blinked.
“It’s lunchtime where they are. I want to have lunch now.”
“We’re waiting for the Gryphon dignitary, Sister.”
“Oh, bollocks.” Celestia grumped.
Luna looked down. This was going to be another one of those days. You couldn’t help it when Celestia was grumpy. Having the Gryphons involved didn’t make things any easier, too. She was, as they say, not a fan.
Her mood came and went so unpredictably that Luna was seriously considering having an octagonal bed built for her sister in the hopes that that would diminish the number of times she got out of it on the wrong side.
“Ah…” Luna said, holding out her hoof.
“Hm? What’s that? What’s that now?” Celestia snapped.
“Sugar sandwich?” Luna offered. A slice of bread, folded in half, rested at the tip of her leg.
Celestia looked away, uninterested, unmoving.
Her eyes darted back and forth a few times.
Suddenly, she snatched it from Luna with one quick stroke and stuffed it into her mouth.
The sounds of chewing and general mastication filled the room.
Luna returned to her usual posture.
“Delicious!” Celestia roared. “Magnificent! I love it.”
The guard standing directly to the right of Celestia’s chair twitched at the sudden loud outburst.
“Yes, I know, Sister,” Luna said. “I make them just for you.”
“Lovely Sister,” Celestia reached out, giving Luna a quick pat on the face. “You’re the best.”
Luna pulled her head away. “Um… listen. For today…”
“Yes?”
“If we could maybe try to listen to the Gryphons for once…”
“What do you mean, you silly twit? I always listen.” Celestia frowned.
“Yes, you do. You do, Sister. But I mean… maybe we should just… I don’t know…”
“What?”
“Sign the treaty?”
“Never.”
“Why don’t we try,” Luna asked nicely.
“They always ask for too much. I can’t give up our land or our crops. I have a duty to my Ponies to take care of them, and that means no one else gets anything. Not even a little bit.”
Celestia shoved her hooves into Luna’s face, holding them a mere centimeter apart.
“Not even thiiiiiiis much.”
“Sister, they are not asking for us to give them anything. They want to open trade. And trade is good for our economical infrastructure.”
“Trade, huh.”
“Yes. Trade.”
“Trade.” Celestia nodded.
“You… um…”
“What? What?”
“You do know how trade works, right?” Luna asked.
“When is the dignitary arriving?” Celestia said, suddenly. “I shan’t be made to wait any longer.”
“Soon, Sister. And please. Just… please try to think about it. I’ll explain all the difficult bits for you, but I really do think at least you should give it a try this time. Just try.”
“No.”
“Please. For me?”
“No! What do you take me for? I shall not be swayed by you simply because you’re my sister! That’s hedonism!”
“I… I think you mean ‘nepotism’, Sister.”
“No. No. I’m sure I’m correct.”
Luna sighed again, reaching behind her to her baggie of Emergency Bribes. She held out another sandwich.
“Fine.” Celestia snatched up the treat. “I will try. But no promises!”
“That’s all I ask,” Luna mumbled.
~ ~ ~
“Ah, thanking you very much,” Sootstone said in his accented way, bowing his head low. He crept along the carpeted hallways, claws retracted lest he tear a hole in things, his shoulders pulled as low as possible.
He was a gryphon of quite remarkable stature, browns and whites speckling his grey mane, all of which rushed up to a glorious brown along his face and cheeks. He was a true lion that today felt like a house-pet.
He left the guard who gave him directions, and slowly pawed through the winding corridors to the grand doors of the Audience Hall, the place where Celestia was waiting.
He pulled a pocket-watch from his dignitary’s vest, checking it.
It was one-oh-five.
With a final gulp of air, he pushed through the doors and stepped up to face the sun.
Each step made him feel as if he were crossing an infinite expanse, as if he were crawling through space. He felt no closer to the end of the room than when he had begun walking, but the countless guards did pass him left and right as he forged on.
It was only when he turned away to look at a very suspicious bucket of black liquid standing in the corner did he finally realise where he was, when reality and perspective finally caught up with each other, and he found himself looking up at the Princess herself.
He instantly prostrated himself, burrowing his face into the floor.
“Please, stand,” came a voice from above him.
Sootstone shuffled to his feet.
“Thank you very much for travelling all this way,” Celestia nodded, gently, speaking with the voice of a mother to her child. “I trust that it was comfortable? Did you run into any problems along the way?”
“Ah… no, my Princess. Thanking you very much for asking,” he fumbled with the words. He was a soldier, not a speaker. “Pleased to be… here in your court…”
“Yes. Thank you for coming all this way,” Celestia said, standing up from her chair. She walked down the Royal Staircase of Heightism and stood in front of the dignitary, face-to-beak, so that they could be on equal level as they spoke.
Her mane billowed outward, a spectacular light show that dazzled the Gryphon.
“P-Princess. I am here…”
“Yes,” Celestia interjected. “Sir Sootstone, of the Sootstone clan. Your reputation precedes you. Please. Let us not stand on ceremony. Surely, you are tired after your long journey. Perhaps we should… wrap up our business quickly, such that we may give you a hot meal and some rest.”
“Y-yes,” stammered Sootstone, as he wrung his hands together. “That would… that is sounding very nice, indeed…”
“And please,” Celestia said, smiling. “Do not worry. Things will be fine.”
“Ah…”
The Gryphon felt his anxiety melt away. Was this truly the Princess of legend? She seemed rather cordial. She seemed… nice, even. Polite, non-yelly, and altogether smelling of raspberries and cream.
“So, if I might read your terms?”
“Ah, yes, of course,” Sootstone said, quickly extracting a scroll from his pockets. He offered it over upon two upturned palms and with lowered head. “We… we have been revising our terms as per your last… requests. I am believing that now it is to be more… more to your liking…”
Princess Celestia nodded back, gently taking the scroll in her magical grippy grasp, unravelling it and giving it a good read.
For a moment, her face, and expression, were hidden behind a brown sheet of parchment.
Luna quickly hopped off her chair and rushed forward, while Sootstone watched on with trepidation, his heart skipping a few beats and a few others.
“Mmmmmmmmmmm,” Celestia hummed, as the curtain remained in place. “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
Sootstone leaned forward, beak open, but was cut off instantly by Luna who held a single hoof up to the ceiling, shooting over a rather direly stern look.
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,” continued Celestia.
The gryphon’s eyes darted around the room. Not a single guard moved from their spot. Luna continued to hold up her hoof.
“Mmmm. Mmm. Mmmmm. Mmmmmmmm. Harrraugh. Mmmm.”
With one last meditative hum, the scroll zipped back up like a blinder on a roll.
Sootstone jerked his head backward, almost expecting the worst. But what was behind was simply Princess Celestia, no more, and no less.
“Mister Sootstone,” Celestia said, dipping her head. “Please, if you would. I need a few moments to confer with my sister. If you could, kindly remain here while I do so. I will be back shortly.”
She gave him no chance to respond before clicking her heels and turning for the back of the hall.
Luna nodded to the gryphon to confirm the order, before she pulled away and headed off herself.
It wasn’t long before the two figures disappeared behind a curtain, leaving the dignitary cold and alone in the grand space.
“Ah…” he muttered, turning to the nearest guard and gesturing to where the two princesses had just left. “What is… to be happening?”
“Eeh. You’re buggered, mate.” The guard flicked his eyes at the poor fellow, looking forward once more.
~ ~ ~
Celestia slammed her hoof on her royal dining table, that incredibly long one that she bought from the Overly-Lengthy Furniture Shoppe, the same place where she got that night stand that had eighteen drawers going lengthways.
“I tried, Luna!” she yelled, causing the dishes to quiver. “But… look! Look at this yourself!”
She threw the scroll in between glasses and plates, where it bounced amongst the dishes and ended up wedged between a butter-tray and a dessert fork.
Luna fetched it, opening it herself and giving it a quick scan.
“Do you see what it says?” Celestia spat, the vein on her forehead growing by the second.
“‘By Order Of the Royal Family of Gryphons’,” she read, “‘we hereby decree this, the–”
“Look at how it’s spelt. Look.” Celestia reached over the top of the scroll, prodding at the words with her hoof.
“Gryphon?” Luna asked.
“Yes! It’s that stupid way with the two f’s and the i and such!”
“Ah… it’s their language, Sister. I do think they have the right…”
“No! I said. I said, if you’re going to try to talk to me about your culture, the least you could do is spell it right. Didn’t I?”
“Yes. You said, Sister,” Luna sighed.
“And that’s not all! Look at the missive itself! It’s all crumpled and full of sweat stains. I dare not to even think about where it’s been!”
“Well, I do admit that perhaps they could have taken care of it a bit better, but…”
“And the third strike! The third horrible strike!” Celestia threw her forelegs in the air, furious spittle exploding every which way.
“What is it, Sister?”
“That gryphon. That horrid little catbird. He’s taller than me,” she hissed.
“Did you even read the rest of the missive?” Luna frowned, waving the scroll around.
“Oh yes, yes I did,” Celestia said, her voice returning to a less bitter flavour. “It was quite good, actually. Very fair points. Seems beneficial to both our kingdoms. I rather much think I’m getting the idea of this trade thing.”
“Then…”
“But I will not suffer the indignation!” Celestia roared. “How dare they make a mockery of the Crown!”
Luna rubbed her eyes. “Sister. If you could just overlook these minor points…”
“Never!”
“Is there no way?”
“No! Not even for another sugar sandwich! Not even for thirty-six!”
“Thirty-six? Why… why thirty-six?”
“Never you mind, you ignorant bluebell! I am quite adamant!”
“Are you certain I cannot change your mind?” Luna asked.
“Nope. No. I am angry. And that’s all there is to it.”
Luna sighed once more. It was going to have to come to this.
She raised her hoof and gestured towards the table, completely set with eighteen copies of dishware, glassware, and other such things. “Are you sure I cannot change your mind?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Really.”
“Yes, I’m certain,” Luna said. “You may… do it. For the sake of this meeting, I will allow it. But this simply has to be the last time, Sister!”
Celestia ran her tongue over her lips. “Really.”
“Yes. Now quit stalling. Let’s get it over with, already.” Luna frowned and braced herself.
Her sister creeped forward, stepping lightly, an odd mix of predator and hesitance in her step.
Luna closed her eyes.
“Yaaaaaahahahahahahaha!” Celestia cried, grabbing Luna by her legs, hoisting her up over her head. “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrhhahahahahahahahaa!”
She threw Luna down, over the table, smashing through cups and plates and saucers, each destroyed in an instant as Luna’s rigid body hit them. Over and over again, Celestia drew Luna up by her arms, swinging her around and crashing her body into the finery, beating them to death with her weapon of choice.
“Oooooooogh,” Celestia grunted, hefting Luna up for a final throw. “Hyaaaaaaaaah!”
Luna went flying, and with a tinkling of the shards of many porcelain soldiers falling for a good cause, she sent up a rain of glassy glitter, twinkling in the light and creating a kaleidoscope of floral patterns as everything bounced off the table.
Luna landed with a thunk on the opposite side.
“Oof,” Luna muttered, dusting herself off. She pulled a fork out from her horn. “Ugh.”
Celestia wheezed. The ordeal had taken a lot out of her.
Luna quickly trotted back to her sister’s side.
“Are you feeling better now?” she asked.
“Mmmph,” Celestia wheezed, nodding. “Are you hurt?”
“Nope. You were pretty gentle this time, Sister.”
“Good. I feel much better. Thank you.” Celestia caught her breath.
“Any time. Now, are you ready to proceed?”
“Yes. I am.” Celestia said. “But before that…”
“Yes?”
“Get those bits of cup out of your hair. You look a terrible mess.”
~ ~ ~
“Yes, I do feel we have a few points that we need to discuss in further detail, and we must certainly come to equal agreements about the percentages you have listed in points three through five, but I believe we can come to some sort of accord,” Celestia said.
“Oh, that is very good. Very good, Princess. I am being very pleased about it!” Sootstone chittered happily.
Behind them, Luna watched in silence, smiling to herself. She had done her duty. She had done what was necessary, and she didn’t need any thanks for it.
It was only sisterly love, and a little bit of behavioural science that saw this through.
For she knew that there was sometimes nothing better to get rid of stress than breaking a few plates with your sister.
The End Go Away
