The ̝̘̘̲̭̘͈̮͙̹̱͈̯̝̳R̷̥̙̰̤̲̪̭͖̺̣̙͈̲̀ͅi̗̥̺͉̜̲̮̝̻͉͕̬̋͗̑ͨ̽͛̀̇ͬ͌͊͟͡͠s̶̻̪̬͇̝͓͔̞̲̟̜̻͖͓͂̔̒̓́̽ͧ̓͐̓ͮ͘ē̛̙̖̣̳̇ͮ̒̿̄̅ͫͧͣ̄ ̵̨͈͎̪̦̦̣͌͗͋ͫ͌̊͗̈ͣͣ̈ͨͫ̀͋͛͘̕͠o̽͐ͪ̃͑̇͐̐ͫ̆ͥ͏̵̸̡̧̲f Insanity

by Bad Dragon

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Self Insert, Tragedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 2369

Dragor (that’s me) creates Equestria and conquers it.

On one of my mind trips, I create a pocket dimension that is Equestria. I proceed to conquer it, for it is my right as its creator.

*Yes; this is exactly what it sounds like. The prompt was: ‘your self-insert takes over Equestria’. What else was I supposed to do?

[You might also want to enjoy the Youtube reading for this story made by The One and the Only.]

Here's what the readers are saying about this story:

I bring up Rise of Insanity by Bad Dragon as some of the coolest surreal shit I've ever read. -Verbose Mode

this story takes the concept of a self-insert way too literally, as the vast majority of it takes place within his own gastrointestinal tract. Um, eww? -Palm Palette

Published 2015-04-10 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-10 21:30:02 UTC

You Are All Mine

I could sense it. The base-plane where subjectivity ceases to exist and the truth reveals itself. It felt as if I could almost reach it.

Alas, I was being dragged down in my mental plane. An instinct-ridden inner ape held me back, preventing my rise. I had to shake it off. There was no other way. The only dilemma was, how to do it?

Plan A. Using my pre-designed algorithm for distinguishing primitive thoughts from the rational ones, I could perceive where the primitive ape ended and I began. We were one, but I wouldn’t have it.

I dashed through the evolutionary vestiges of my archaic self. It burnt me, but it was for a higher cause. It was okay to suffer.

Looking back at my path of destruction, I saw that the cancerous tissue was already regenerating. There was no killing it. I couldn't get rid of what defined me—what was me.

Plan B. I created a translucent box from nothingness. It was a big box. It had to be big, for there was much crap that needed to go inside.

I grasped at the most blatant tumors and shoved them in the box. I loved those neoplasms. It hurt to push them aside, but it had to be done. They served no higher purpose.

The feeling of loss that accompanied my action was just another one of the redundant subjective reality distortions. I ripped it off of me and shoved it in the box.

Much work was done, and I was proud of my accomplishment. The box was full of crap, right up to the top. Yet, I was still drenched in the corrupted tissue.

I failed. There was too much baggage. Unfortunately, making a bigger box wasn’t a viable option. Filling it would take ages and too much willpower would go into sustaining it.

It was useless to struggle with a half-assed solution. The plan failed. It was better to assume the starting position than cling on to a false hope. I turned the box around, spilling the crap all over the place. As I dropped the box, I was surprised to see that the cube didn’t sink into the sea of feces. It floated on the surface, almost detached from it. There was still a way!

Plan C. I ripped through the mucus below me, penetrating through dirty fabric straight to the bowels of my mental plane. Breaking into the central chamber, I pushed aside the spider webs that were engulfing the place.

It was there. In front of me. Life. It had used to be my favorite console, but then crap had gotten to it. I had let the surrounding world reach out to it with its sphincters.

Smiling, I drew closer and caressed Life with my fingers. “I haven’t forgotten about you. You’re still far from obsolete.”

Hugging it with both hands, I pulled it left and right. The sphincters sucking on it held tight, but they were no match for my perseverance. They tore, then ripped away.

The light on the console, indicating its activity, shimmered. It was nothing to concern myself with, though. The battery bar was still almost full. Still, I couldn’t let Life stay disconnected indefinitely.

It was programmed to crave for a connection. That’s why it had let itself get attached to crap so easily. I intended to give it a more meaningful power source. It had hibernated for long enough. I wanted it to power up and reach its true potential.

The rip in the intestine was closing. The sphincters were reaching toward Life and the shitty walls were drawing near. If I was to depart, I had to be quick about it.

Jumping through the opening with Life in my grasp, I punched through shit one more time, rending any BS that crossed my path.

When I broke to the surface, I was exhausted, but there was no time to rest. The shit was calling me, convincing me to join it. It was enticing. The burbling siren voices of the sphincters were weakening my resolve. The piles of manure promised shelters of softness, but deep inside I knew that I could never find my inner peace among them. Fluffy shit is just a shit in disguise.

Accumulating the last shreds of my strength, I reached toward the translucent floating box. I lifted myself up from diarrhea I was drenched in. The brown foam was sticking onto me, but I kicked it off. With one hand I helped myself in climbing the side of the box while holding on to Life with the other.

I grabbed the lid and pulled myself over the top, closing the box as I fell inside.

The box was roomy. Some of the fecal matter stuck to the walls, but other than that, it was clean. I could start anew. No longer was I required to inhale farts and gulp shit. I was free. The plan worked.

I put my console at the center of the room and let the power cables connect to me directly. Pressing on a button, I woke it up from hibernation. It was time to play.

***

I had loads of fun with my console. It felt true and honest. The new planes were at my fingertips.

The shit pounded on the translucent walls of the box, but I wouldn’t let it in. It wanted to suck on Life. I denied it. The console had been drenched in crap for long enough.

Time passed and the pounding on the walls had all but ceased. The crap-land around the box gradually changed its color. Light brown surroundings turned darker with each passing day.

I paid it no heed at first. However, I gradually noticed the disruptive effects of the subliminal frequencies. It interfered with the workings of my console more and more. The only possible source of it was the vibrant black crap. I wasn’t even safe in my box anymore. I needed to delve beyond the reach of the fecal matter. The box was my domain and my rules applied. If circumventing the shit didn’t subdue it, then removing myself from it completely should fix that annoyance.

Incited to delve deeper, I began the crafting of a pocket dimension. Creating a new one from scratch was viable, but unnecessary. I already possessed a knowledge of the inner workings of a plane that would serve my needs just fine. Because my creation was based on Equestria, I decided to name it ‘Equestria’. It would be the refuge of my own making, far from the interference from without. A domain where Life and I could rule supreme.

With the portal stabilized, I secured Life firmly on my chest. I grinned as I looked at the planes outside of my cube for the last time. Never again would I see the bothersome shit that was my humanity. I left it all behind. “Farewell, annoying ape. You can affect me no more.” I jumped through the portal.

***

As my feet touched the pavement of the Ponyville main road, a shock wave expanded in all directions. Dust was lifted in its wake.

Equestria was now a part of me. All its complexity at my fingertips to explore. Having successfully run away from myself, I could, perhaps, find the truth in my land. As long as I owned it, I could study it to my heart’s content.

The lights on Life were more stable than ever. No longer interfered by the crap from my past dimension. In this creation of mine, I could fix anything according to my desires without paying heed to how shit would react. There was nothing to hold me back anymore.

As the creator of this dimension, I wielded powers limited only by my imagination. Here, I could achieve new heights, with no restraints attached.

I looked around. Besides ponies looking at me with open mouths, nothing was amiss. Lack of information about my sudden appearance must have been confusing them.

Their lack of understanding was bothersome. For the time, however, I had different priorities than remedying their ignorance.

Straightening up, I breathed fresh air for the first time. It wasn’t musty and didn’t stink. That was a pleasant change of environment.

Stepping forward prompted a reaction from everypony. Streets were emptying and shutters on windows were closing. A reasonable reaction. They still had no indication whether my intentions were benevolent or not.

A shadow passed me. A gust of wind rustled my hair. A lavender figure landed hard in front of me. As wings hit the ground, dust flew in my face.

I squinted my eyes and recognized the alicorn on my path.

She spoke, “Erm, hello there. Not sure if you can understand me. I’m—”

“Twilight Sparkle.” I raised my hand toward one of my creations. Forming a translucent shield around her, I levitated her off the ground.

Her horn glowed. “Easy now; I mean you no harm!”

I hovered her to the side of the road. “Your power. Intriguing. Mine now.” Clenching my fist, the bubble surrounding her dispersed, along with all the magic she possessed. I absorbed it all back into me from where it had come.

Her horn light faded as she fell plot first to the ground. “Ah!”

“Everything is mine.” I noticed her pet dragon in the distance. He must have been running all the way from The Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle.

Twilight grimaced and clenched her teeth, but her horn wouldn’t charge. She looked at her flank then back at me. “You took my cutie mark!”

“Thank Tirek for the inspiration.” I walked on, passing her.

“You work for Tirek?” I heard her raise her voice from behind me.

“I depend on no one, anymore. I have finally achieved self-sufficiency.” I replied without turning.

“You’re insane,” she murmured.

“Twilight!” Spike breathed out between his loud gasps.

“Spike, write a letter. Tell Celestia and Luna to come to Ponyville right away.”

“On it…” said Spike as I walked on.

***

There it was, in front of me. Well, at least, it used to be. The Golden Oak Library. Nothing but a tree stump now. I should have made the dimension younger.

Several shadows passed me.

“This again…” I sighed.

Thumps resonated as Pegasi hit the ground all around me.

Celestia descended. She was closely followed by Luna.

“State your intentions, biped!” Yelled Celestia as soon as she touched the ground.

“Hold your horses. I’m just here to conquer all of Equestria.” I stated calmly.

“We shalt not let thee! Thy havoc ends here, aggressor!” Luna expressed herself with even more vigor than Celestia with her Royal Canterlot Voice shouting.

From the direction of Ponyville, I saw Twilight running towards me with the rest of the Bearers of the Elements. As if they could do anything without the Element of Magic.

I looked toward Celestia and Luna. “Your power.” I raised my hand. “Mine.” I clenched my palm into a fist.

Cutie marks on surrounding ponies dissipated. Celestia and Luna tried to light up their horns but to no avail.

“I’m a god here. Denying that I’ve already conquered you and the whole of Equestria won’t change the fact that I did,” I explained to them.

Luna shook her head. “You’re insane.”

“Why does everyone conclude that about me?” I sighed. “Look, I own this dimension. You’re all mine.”

“Nopony shall follow your rule!” Celestia hissed at me.

“You’re mistaken. All of you shall do my bidding.” I grinned at her.

I turned around and faced Twilight who snuck up behind me. Her friends looked at her in concern as she tightened all her muscles in an attempt to bring forth the magic.

“You!” I raised my hand and levitated Twilight off the ground. “You shall serve me as the Princess of Friendship by spreading friendship with your friends or something. Along with your title, I grant you this power.”

From within me, I channeled the magic that used to be a part of Twilight. Her unique functionality was restored to its original state. Permanent reduction of complexity would only hinder the parts of my system in serving my needs.

As her cutie mark reappeared, I lowered my hand, letting Twilight fall on her flank.

“Ah!” She whimpered, then snorted at me.

Turning to Celestia and Luna, I spoke to them quizzaciously, “You two shall do the sun and moon rotation thing and stuff. Besides that, you shall show your undying devotion to me by running my Kingdom of Equestria in my place.”

I raised my hand and gave everypony back their magic. Their cutie marks reappeared. I turned toward Canterlot. “Now, if you’ll ex—Ugh…”

A light brown pegasus with blue mane and tail was standing on my path. I could feel his breath as he snorted at me. His forehooves were clenching on the spear that was protruding from my abdomen.

“Gh—Goddammit, Flash!” I shoved him away with one hand. Clenching my teeth, I pulled the spear out of my abdomen with the other.

As I regenerated my wound, I rose up the bloody spear and waved it in Celestia’s direction. “And no stabbing me!”

Grabbing the spear with my other hand on the hilt, I broke it in half across my knee. “Make it a law or something.”

I threw the broken parts of the spear at Flash’s hooves and walked past him. “Now! If you’ll all excuse me! I’ll be in my Royal Canterlot Library! Those books. They interest me.”

Pegasi looked behind me, then stepped aside as I walked past them toward Canterlot.

Contemplating on whether I should fly or teleport there, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was missing something.

A bright light shone on the surroundings around me. The enwrapping, stoning double-helix rainbow let me know what it was that I was forgetting. “Fuck!”

Author's Note

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