My Little High School: Harem is Anime

by badwasabi

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Alternate Universe, Romance, Spike, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Shining Armor
Length: 2263

Crackfic: Spike's first day in high school is...interesting. Especially with all the girls he keeps bumping into. Literally.

In a Crackfic Human AU that has absolutely nothing to do with Equestria Girls, Spike spends his first day of school bumping into girls.

Often literally.

Larger version of title card here.

Published 2016-04-23 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-23 00:10:01 UTC

Pilot: The Neutronium Man

Author's Note

Disclaimer: The idea for "My Little High School: Harem is Anime" predates the official announcement for Equestria Girls.

Yes, it took me that long to write.

This fanfic contains trace amounts of both stereotypical anime plots and ships known to the state of California to cause squeeing. Do not read if you are nursing, pregnant, trying to become pregnant, operating heavy machinery, or named Erasmus.

-MLHS-

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart
Katy Perry - Unconditionally

Pilot: The Neutronium Man

Spike wasn't exactly sure what truck had hit him.

He tried to work it logically, like his best friend had taught him. The last thing he remembered was walking through the school parking lot.

He looked around. Still in the parking lot, but judging from the fact that he was lying down, and he hurt, he had probably been knocked down.

What else? He had been next to a red truck, and he had just noticed the girl in the driver's seat. Blonde, freckles, a deep tan, and the greenest eyes he had ever seen -

And she had been reaching for the door.

"You okay, little guy? Didn't see you there." She was leaning over him now, and those eyes were even bigger up close. On the other side was a big guy with reddish hair who could've tried out for the football team. Heck, with those muscles he could've been the football team.

"I'm fine."

"You sure? Well, up and at 'em." She grasped Spike's arm in a surprisingly strong grip and hauled him up. Of course she was strong, she worked on a farm. Said so on the pickup's door, unless they had stolen a truck older than Spike was from Sweet Apple Acres. Then again, it wasn't like fifteen-year old Toyota trucks were exactly a hot commodity on the streetz.

"You plannin' to turn loose my hand anytime there soon, pal?"

"What? Oh!"

He dropped her hand like a well-tanned hot potato. Come to think of it, she seemed pretty well built under that flannel shirt. What would her muscles feel like…?

At this point, it occurred to Spike that maybe the girl standing about two feet from him might've noticed that he was staring at her mus -

"Like what you see, sport?"

You could've fried an egg on Spike's cheeks. Sprinkled on some cracked black pepper and see salt, garnished it with some parsley. It didn't help when he looked up at her face guiltily, and found her biting her lip, her eyes narrowed.

Great. She wanted to laugh at him.

Spike muttered something, and bolted. Behind him, he heard Mr Mack truck chiding the blonde for "teasing". He was just thinking about the strength he felt in her arm when he pushed through the doors and collided with something pink and soft.

Somehow, he ended up on the ground, with the girl he had collided with on top of him. It wasn't unpleasant, exactly, since she squished nicely, and her chest was -

Anyway, the cupcake on his nose was a bit of a problem.

Pink girl sat up, looked into his eyes with her own blues, then plucked the cupcake off his face. Unwrapping it, she gulped it down in one bite in a way that didn't seem physically possible, and then she kissed his nose, sucking on it gently and licking off the icing -

Suddenly, Spike was having trouble breathing.

The girl sat up, and smiled brightly down on him.

"Mmm! Delicious!"

She needed to get off him. She needed to get off him right now, and the fact that his cheeks were about to set off the sprinklers was the least of his problems.

"Oh my goodness! Are you all right?"

The face that obscured the light was half-covered by a lock of long, pink hair, and the whole package was framed by the hood of a pale yellow sweatshirt. The hands emerging from that sweatshirt quickly checked him over, in a way that felt kinda...motherly...

"Fluttershy, he's fine!"

Fluttershy glared at the pink girl. "He'd be a lot finer if you weren't still sitting on him."

"Whoops. Sorry."

For all her curves, Pink was surprisingly agile. She was off Spike before he knew what happened, and she and Fluttershy hauled him up. He staggered for a second, a bit dizzy.

Now that he got a good look at her, he realized that 'Fluttershy' was really tall. She was as tall as some of the senior boys.

He was staring again, wasn't he? Could you get detention in high school for staring? Oh - now she was blushing. Now she was turning her head away. Now she was saying -

"Pinkie, I told you we didn't need any more cupcakes."

"Don't be silly! If I hadn't been going to my car, I wouldn't have made a new friend!"

"Do you always lick your new friends?" someone said, and after a moment Spike realized it was him. That hot feeling moved from his cheeks down to his gut.

Pinkie looked surprised, and then a smile slid over her face. Then, in a stage whisper, "only if they ask nicely!"

Fluttershy buried her face in her hands.

"What did you need cupcakes for, anyway?" Spike said.

"Because people stop at your table when you give them free stuff. Duh."

"Table for what?"

"Oooh," Fluttershy said, and hurried to the table. A few flyers slipped out of her hands as she grabbed one off of the table and thrust it at him.

"SHY ANIMAL CARE," he read. "Is this a beauty salon?"

Frankie hid her face again. "Um..."

"It's an animal shelter, Spike. Her mom's a vet."

"Oh, ok - how do you know my name?"

"I've heard it before. I've got an great memory. I remember everyone!"

"Uh...okay. Well, it was fun meeting you. Bye."

And off he scampered.

"He was nice," Fluttershy commented, after a few seconds. "I kinda hoped he could stay around."

"Nope. He has to get to the next scene to meet Rarity."

If Spike had been within earshot, he probably would've been extremely uncomfortable instead of thinking, Well, this was certainly turning out to be an interesting first day of high school.

-MLHS-

"Pardon me, but I couldn't help but notice that you have the most appalling tear in your overshirt."

Spike stopped rummaging in his locker and looked down at his shirt. "Yeah, I've had two collisions today." He looked up. "It was probably the truuuuu..."

There was an angel in front of him.

An angel with really fancy hair.

"I'm sorry, is there something wrong with my clothes?" She looked down at her white dress. "I try to be careful but-"

Somehow, this jarred Spike's brain out of neutral. "No, it's, it's fine. Perfect, really."

She blushed. "Thank you. I bet I could fix you up."

"What?"

"The shirt. I bet I could fix your shirt up. I have a sewing kit in my locker. But I'll need your -"

He had it off before she finished the sentence.

"Oookay. I'll fix it, and meet you here after last period. Rarity."

Spike blinked.

"My name, darling."

"Rarity." He sounded it out, like he was savouring a fine wine. Well, what he imagined savouring a fine wine was like.

Beat.

"I didn't get your name."

"Oh, it's Spike."

"Spikey-wikey, Spikey-wikey, Spikey-wikey. Got it." She smiled. "I don't suppose you happen to ride a bikey?"

"I...I walk." Stupid, stupid, you should've said you ride a trikey.

"Shame. See you later, Spikey-wikey. Ciao."

"Chow."

And as he watched her walk off, a thought occurred to him.

Did I just let a hot girl steal the shirt off my back?

-MLP-

Spike walked into a classroom and stopped dead.

"This...is not the cafeteria."

"Sure isn't," said a pair of legs.

Spike jumped.

Next to him was a ladder, upon which the pair of legs stood. Those legs led to a pair of shorts, which led to a barely-exposed midriff which-

Uh...

Wow.

"Yeah," said the incredible abs. "I work out. Can you pass those staples?"

"Uh..."

There was a little box of staples on a desk, next to a tracksuit jacket draped over a chair, and a backpack with a book poking -

"Is that the new Daring Do book?"

"Yep!" said the abs' raspy voice. "I just got it yesterday."

"I'm five books behind..." Spike muttered as he passed the staples.

"Really?" asked the legs as they finished loading the stapler. "Think the movies are gonna be any good?"

"Hmmm...a live-action movie about kids books. Let me think! No."

Ladder girl snorted. "Yeah, me neither." There was a ch-chunk noise. "And done."

She reached down, planted a hand on the ladder, and flipped down. Then she made one of those gymnastics poses that Spike had always thought were silly.

But she made it work.

She was built like a runner or a gymnast or any other kinda sport that made you slim but with muscles. Like an otter. She was built like an otter. An otter with very nice abs and very colorful hair.

"Yeah," she said. "I'm awesome."

"That was an awesome flip."

"Thanks." She put the stapler in the teacher's drawer, and turned back to Spike. "Wanna go to lunch and talk about stuff?"

"Uh...sure. Not like I know anyone. Well, one person, but I don't know where she is."

The girl pulled on her jacket. "Well, if you can't find her, then you're coming with me." She slung her bag onto one shoulder, and then slung a friendly arm over Spike's shoulders.

Weird. Had someone turned up the heat?

"Call me Rainbow, by the way."

-MLP-

He wasn't sure when it started, really. Sometimes, he just came over to chat, and ended up with his head on her lap. Couch, floor, her bedroom, like now, it didn't really matter.

He just felt comfortable with her.

"And then we talked about the books, and Rainbow promised to lend me some. I found my shirt on a hanger stuck in my locker vents later."

She touched the stitch in his shirt sleeve. Her hand brushed against his bare skin, and he relaxed, just a little.

"Well! It seems like you're a very popular boy today."

"Mmm."

"Think any of them like you? I mean...like you, like you?"

Spike snorted. "Girls don't like me."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well...no girl's ever asked me out."

She was quiet for a second.

"Do you want to take me to the dance?"

He opened his eyes and looked up. Twilight had an very serious look on her face. He followed her nose up to the bindi dot on her forehead, and then looked into her eyes.

"Thanks, but...no thanks."

"What?" Twilight yelped. "Why?"

"One, I don't need your pity date. Two, you can do so much better than me. You're smart, and you're pretty. You could get any guy in the school." Beat. "Almost any. Any except for a statistically significant minority -"

"Apparently," she muttered, sounding a little peeved. He hadn't seen her with any boys lately; maybe she was getting lonely.

"Y'know, Spike," she said, and smiled a bright, funny smile, "it's getting late. Maybe you should head on home."

"But I was going to stay for di -"

The smile slipped a little. "Just...just go, Spike."

The door slammed behind him.

-MLHS-

"What did you say to her?" Shining asked. He was sitting on the couch next to his girlfriend.

"I dunno. I was just talking about all these girls I ran into at school today, and how I had so much prospects for the dance, and then Twi asked me to the dance, and I said no - Cadence, why are you staring like that?"

"Mmmph," said the cheerleader.

"Shining, why is your girlfriend not talking to - why are you staring like that?"

"You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?"

Cadence was taking deep breaths. There seemed to be something wrong with her lips, and her shoulders were shaking.

"Okay, what it is it? What's so funny?"

"Spike, has it ever occurred to you that Twilight might be jealous of the other girls?"

Spike's mouth hung open. "Nooo..."

"Think about it. Has she gotten all touchy-feely lately?"

"What? No, that's crazy! You're crazy, Shiny! If Twilight liked me, she'd say so!"

A giggle escaped Cadence's tightly pursed lips. She had her eyes closed, now, clutching her stomach.

"Yeah, because my kid sister is so great at talking about her feelings. Look, all I'm saying is….just consider asking her to the Gala, all right? Sometimes people take their friends to the Gala."

"Fine. But it's not like I can ask five other girls out at the same time." He heaved a sigh. "Bye."

He was just stepping out the door when Cadence's hand landed on his shoulder. "Wait."

"Huh?"

"Shining says you've been coming over here, just about every day, to hang out with Twilight, ever since you were little, right?"

"Yeah...so what? She's my next-door neighbor."

Was she smiling? "As someone who knows about these things, I can say with confidence that Twilight doesn't like you any more than you like her."

Spike blinked. "Thank you, Cadence. 'Night."

He turned away, was struck by a thought, turned back.

"Y'know, it's nice to know that someone around here can see what's right in front of them."

-FIN-