Why imagine what can't be?
Within the dream of my mind Luna and Celestia appeared before me ready to hear more about the way I had obtained my powers to travel to other worlds.
“Celestia, Luna, guess what,” I said.
“What?” Celestia inquired.
What I said next isn't really relevant, because shortly after the story began to take shape in my mind some part of me decided to take me down a dark path.
“You're an idiot you know that?”
The three of us looked around trying to determine the source of the voice which I recognized as my adult human voice.
“What?” I asked nervously.
The disembodied voice continued speaking from many directions.
“Play acting in a world that doesn't truly exist.”
"You need to wake up."
"Why do you torture yourself like this? Get real."
Celestia looked towards me and asked, "Ronald do you truly still believe that this is nothing more than a dream?"
Looking back at her I declared sharply, "NO! This IS real! I know it is! It has to be!"
"The only thing real here is your profound need for it to be real."
"Quit being stupid."
"Wake up. You know this isn't real.”
I cover my head with my hooves and press my face into the ground of my dream world shouting, "NOOOOOO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”
"Luna," Celestia says to her sister with a knowing look.
Luna nods and casts her magic to silence the voices shouting in the royal Canterlot voice, "ENOUGH!"
"Well, if that isn't enough to prove that this isn't real I don't know what is."
"Seriously. Quit lying to yourself."
"You can't accept the truth because you don't want to."
Celestia and Luna look at each other dumbfounded that Luna's power had failed to quell the voices.
"Luna, wake us up," Celestia orders.
Luna nodded as her horn began to glow again.
"Yea good luck with that. Been trying to tell him to wake up this whole time."
"Seriously what a waste of..."
The voice cuts out mid-sentence as I wake up screaming, rising sharply to a sitting position. The noise startled Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo awake. I resumed the position I was in during the dream state. The two fillies, seeing how upset I was, scooched towards me on either side and cuddled close, attempting to comfort me.
In a blinding light the Princess sisters appear in our room as Rarity, who heard my scream enters demanding, "What is going..." her inquiry is cut short however as she notices the two princesses.
"Your Highnesses what is happening?” she inquires.
"There were voices in the dream. His voice from his old life of being a 37 year old man. They were telling him that this was all a dream,” Celestia explained.
"I failed to silence them," Luna interjected.
Rarity and the fillies expressed shocked at this. Sweetie opened her mouth to speak, "W-what if this really is all just..."
"SWEETIE BELLE DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" Rarity interrupted harshly.
"Ronald," Celestia said trying to get my attention.
"Ronald!" she tried again.
"RONALD!" she tried a third time.
I sat up and began rocking back and forth, my hooves covering my face. "Not real. Nothing's real. Don't exist.”
"RONALD!” Clestia shouted in her royal Canterlot voice causing me to snap out of it and look her in the eyes.
"Ronald. Do you not feel the warmth of the two fillies as they cuddle you?" she asks with her face inches from mine, "Do you not feel my breath and smell its fragrance?"
"ENOUGH!" I shout appearing out of nowhere glaring at the make believe ponies and the ponysona of myself. "This has to stop!” I then began tearing down the room as if it were paper.
The ponification version of myself rushed towards me pleading, "No please! Why are you doing this?!"
I glare at him and said flatly, "Because I have to grow up."
"I don't understand?" The pony me cried.
"I have a father who needs me and a sister and her husband facing criminal charges. I have responsibilities now and I just can't live in a dream world. No matter how much I want to?"
"But why?" The pony me whimpered.
"BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH!" I yelled as I slumped to the floor and started crying. "Because no matter how good it seems here, no matter how happy I can make myself, no matter how loved I feel I know that in the end it's — it's,” my throat catches, "It's NOT REAL!" And I just can't take it anymore. I'm so happy here. I feel so loved. But in the end it just makes me feel all the sadder knowing it can never truly be. That no matter how hard I may wish, no matter how much I want it to be true, it can never be. I break down bawling like an infant at the world I had dreamed up. A world that could make me so happy, but also just as equally sad.
"But it doesn't have to be this way." The pony me says as he places his front hooves up on my knee, staring up at me. "You know how people have their happy places right? Well, this can be yours. A place of refuge of the cold, cruel reality of your world when you need. A place that can cheer you up and make you happy even if for only a moment in time."
I look up at him gaining some of my former control and with great effort halt my sobbing. I look at Celestia and ask, “How can it, when I know that you're not real?”
Celestia vanishes and my gaze shifts to Luna. "And no matter how much I may wish that you were I know I can never change that.”
Poof goes Luna and my gaze shifts to the two fillies, "I have to face the fact that no matter how much my heart may yearn that it could be otherwise I know that no amount of wishing or praying can never make you real.” They vanish.
“Looking once more on my ponified version I state, "And that's just the way it will always be.” He’s gone and I am left alone in a rapidly fading to black room as I accept the inevitable.
Suddenly, a bright light fills the air and the room is back in it's original condition and all five ponies are once again standing before me.
“Then why are we still here?” My pony form asks.
Sighing wearily I say, “Because even after everything I have said I simply can't let you go,” I say sniffling. "No matter how the pain of reality forces me back away from this fantasy, to know that I can never return is almost as painful as knowing I will constantly have to leave all of you every time I come here. I need to be loved. I don't get enough of it in my world. My siblings hate me, I never see my mother. All I have is my dad. And though I love him with all of my heart it's just not enough. I feel so alone. And here with all of you and the stories I make I can have so much love. Philia, Storge, and Eros. Not sure about the Agape as I'm not sure if Celestia is god here or not, but still so much more love than in my cold cruel life. And I just have to take the good with the bad. Even in my own mind."
And as one they surround me in a group hug and once again I smile and feel loved. Even if in the back of my mind I know it won't last. It’s enough for now. And I hope it will always be.
Author's Note
This came about as I was living out yet another story in my head and a sudden bitterness of reality sunk in as I know that none of what I imagine will never really happen and I just became so sad that I shed a few tears and felt like what's the point in continuing to imagine. And I can't help but wonder if anyone else ever felt this way. Which is what prompted me to write this down even though I suck at writing.
I had lots of help on this thing from some people in the Discord. Magello and MagnetBolt. Also as I was editing it from the notes on gdoc I changed a couple things, so if there are anymore grammar errors, (and more than likely there are), please tell me about them.
Please comment below. I would very much like to hear what ya thought of this. And FYI I'm not suicidal. A person can feel sad without being suicidal ya know.
