How I Got Acquainted With Your Female Parental Figure

by scootertheskitty

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 4379

Popcorn tell his son of how he met Margarine and notes the trials and tribulations of being a third wheel.

Popcorn is a handsome stallion. Margarine is a cute mare. Both of them are made for each other.

However, the story of how they met isn't as romantic as you might expect.

(A story about the parents of Butter, the main character of Just Big Boned. It is not required to read that story to enjoy this one. Also a crossover with Sheep and his OC, Banana Nut.)

Published 2015-04-12 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-13 23:47:35 UTC

Urges and Migraines [Revised]

Popcorn is a handsome stallion. Margarine is a cute mare. A lot of ponies believe this is true, and some have believed this to always have been true. There were no pictures of them as foals around their houses, so visitors imagined them to be the most perfect little foals that nature could have ever produced. Nopony asked how they met because their family spoke for themselves. They had a nice, comfortable house on the ground, an above average income, and a charming, young colt that made both of them proud to be parents. With a life like that, many ponies envied Popcorn. They believed he was blessed and lucky for having such an attractive, supporting wife and an adorable colt with a high potential for being a successful culinary artist. Many ponies thought it was Celestia's will to have such a fantastic life. Others thought it was pure luck. A small percentage think that Popcorn worships Tirek and performs dark rituals to keep his eternal soul alive. This percentage is mentally ill and to this day are still located at the local mental hospital. No matter how hard ponies tried, it was hard to believe that Popcorn and Margarine was ever not perfect.

However, their aforementioned son was about to ask a question that made them freeze in place with widened eyes.

"Mom? Dad? How did you two meet?"

That question was only uttered three times in the past. All three times they were on a bus, and all three times either Popcorn, Margarine, or the pony asking were inflicted with food poisoning. Every few sentences uttered by any of them would cause vomit to pour out of one of the mouths of the three ponies. That vomit would lead one of the other non-infected ponies to vomit, and pretty soon the whole bus was filled with a fountain full of vomit and an displeased janitor. Though they were not on a bus and waist deep in digested food. They were at home with time to kill, no work needed to be done, and in the living room on velvet red couches next to a fireplace that was set up as if Celestia herself was screaming, "JUST TELL THE STORY ALREADY, DAMMIT! I HAVE THE ATMOSPHERE SET UP AND EVERYTHING! JUST TALK!"

And so it was.

"Well...Butter..." started Margarine. "We...met when we were foals...and we stayed together ever since."

Butter's eyebrow raised up a bit. "You two dated for that long?"

"Not exactly," Popcorn answered. "We started out as friends and then eventually began to date. Then we got married." He smiled at Butter, hoping he wouldn't press further.

"How long is 'eventually?'"

"Well...a couple years. We started to date at around nineteen or twenty if I remember correctly."

"Why did it take you so long to start dating?"

At this point, Popcorn wanted to pretend he was suffering from a migraine and couldn't answer him right now, but he felt a hoof around his back as he turned to see Margarine looking back at him.

"Honey, I think it's time we told the whole story of how we met. Details and all."

Popcorn sighed and nodded. He had been dreading this day for so long. He didn't want to show Butter his true colors. He never wished for him to find out his humiliating and desperate life as a foal and teenager. He didn't even want to mention the names of any of the ponies that came into his life during Popcorn's foalhood. But he had to, or he would suffer the horrible nagging of both Margarine and Butter at seven in the morning begging to hear the story from the horse's mouth. No pun intended.

Popcorn took a deep breath and sighed. "Alright, Butter. Make yourself nice and comfortable because this will be a long story. Long enough to divide into individual chapters, even."

"Ooh! At the end of each chapter can I have a break depending on how long the next chapter will be and how you feel like?"

"Just like every other story I tell you," he smiled.

"Oh good, I'll get a drink after this one."

"Alright, Butter. Now then..." He cleared his throat and began.

It all started when we were foals. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I was pretty unattractive when I was your age. In fact, I was pretty much the ugliest colt you'd ever meet. Of course, I didn't notice it because my parents always thought I was the most handsome colt in the world. They even bought me little trophies every year as my birthday present. My only birthday present. Every year.

But it didn't bother me. I was happy and still made a lot of friends. I tried to make as many friends as I could, but it was difficult. Foals can be mean creatures. I was picked on a lot and made fun of for being ugly. I didn't let the comments bother me and assumed it was jealousy because they didn't win the most handsome colt in the world trophy every year for ten years.

Anyway, your mother on the other hoof was downright adorable. She always had a smile on her face and just her giggle could make any stallion smile along with her. We started talking to each other when we were in fifth grade. We had assigned seats next to each other and had a lot in common. Both of us liked to cook and both of us liked to make friends. We soon started to hang out a bit more after school and went to each other's houses. A lot of ponies thought we were dating, however we were both too young to understand the concepts of relationships, so we remained best friends.

Well, puberty is a cruel mistress. You're too young to understand what I mean, but let's just say I had urges. Very bad urges. Anyway, I started to become more attracted to mares around my fifteenth birthday. And being a pimple-faced ugly colt with urges to do all sorts of things that will send me straight to hell is a bad combination. I started to get more interesting in your mother and wanted to finally start dating her. Unfortunately, she had other stallions on her mind...more handsome stallions.

Within three years she already had sixteen coltfriends, all of them taller, stronger, and more handsome than me. I tried to workout the next couple years and applied several different acne medications to my face every day to try to be the stallion Margarine wanted. My acne cleared up and I did get noticeably stronger, but she thought I was trying to impress another mare.

High school passed. Despite my clear face and above average figure, I was still ugly. No mares would get in a five foot radius of me, no matter how hard I tried. So, I tried focusing on my schoolwork. I got a few B's and an A in cooking class, obviously, so I tried to get my degree in culinary arts at the University of Manehattan. Miraculously, I found out Margarine was getting her degree in culinary arts as well, and in the same college as me! I knew this was my chance to finally make a move on her. Moving to a completely new town with no knowledge of anypony made her available to the market once again. And I was going to be first in line with a shopping bag.

I decided to be the gentlecolt I was and ride the train with her to Manehattan. I sat next to her and kept her company for the whole journey. I also offered to hold her baggage for her so it doesn't fall off the seat. She was so excited that we were still going to be best friends, still clueless about the fact that I wanted our relationship to be more than that. But I didn't want to take things too fast, afraid that I would come off as a creep and lose her. When we got off the train I asked to get her something as a gift. I went to the nearest candy store, which was a few blocks past the train station we got off at and came back with some chocolates. Of course, she was already starting to flirt with other stallions. She was talking to a big, buff, white pegasus with a blonde buzz-cut. He had smaller than normal wings, obviously a side effect from the obvious amount of steroids he must've taken, and blood red eyes. He looked like he could tear my head off with ease, but when you have a crush you do some pretty crazy things.

I gulped and tried to look as intimidating as I could. I rushed up to him with all the force that my legs could muster and jumped at him. I thought that all my weight lifting and working out would finally pay off.

It did not.

He didn't budge a bit as I fell to the ground. He looked down at me on the ground and rose his hoof as if he were about to smash my head in. I flinched and covered my eyes, waiting for the imminent beat down that I was about to receive from this drug-ridden stallion.

Instead, he lowered his hoof and helped me to my hooves and said to me in a calm and gentlecoltly manner, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't notice you were coming my way and I apologize for not letting you past."

Surprised at the stallion's behavior I responded, "Uhh...it's fine. Are you okay thou—"

"YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed in my face, almost making my ears bleed. After I could hear properly, he said to Margarine, "I wish I could stay and conversate more, but I really have to go. My train is about to depart. Farewell." He started to walk towards his train in a stallionlike manner before screaming like a typical jock. "PONYVILLE, HERE I COME! WOOO!"

I heard Margarine sigh dreamily. "He's such a charming stallion~"

"You can do better than him, Margarine. I'm positive!" I smiled to her, hinting more at my affection towards her.

"Oh, you don't mean that, Popcorn."

"Of course I do. I'd never lie to you. And that reminds me! I got you a gi—" I looked towards my hooves, which were empty. I turned my head around, trying to find my present to her. Sadly, they were sprawled all across the ground, dusty and trampled on by a couple of unaware ponies.

"Oh, was that for me?" asked Margarine. I nodded slowly with a frown as she smiled at me. "Don't worry, Popcorn. I can get myself a snack~"

She smiled at me, still being oblivious to my advances. I decided to not press on and responded with an "okay." We continued to walk a couple of miles to where our campus was. Hooves sore and tired, we made it to the main desk where we both obtained our respective keys to our dorms. Fortunately, we were only a few doors away from each other, so we could still have a chance of getting together. I asked if I could help unpack her things and she obliged. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to talk and try to make some advances towards her. I picked up her bags and walked up the stairs and to her dorm. Her roommate wasn't there yet, so we just talked to ourselves a bit and unpacked together. When we were done, she asked if she would like to help me unpack as well. I tried to act cool and collective on the outside, but on the inside I was jumping up and down and squealing. It was going to be perfect, romantic, and the best moment of my life.

Then HE happened.

We entered my dorm and saw that there was a pony already there with his back turned. He was a yellow pegasus with a black mane. He was wearing both a Black Saddles t-shirt and a big smile on his face. He was bouncing on his tail like a child suffering from a sugar high, making me believe that he was not well in the head and that I would soon have a knife lodged in my chest.

The pegasus turned to both of us immediately and smiled impossibly big. Too big to be sane. He rushed over to us and starting shaking both of our hooves vigorously to the point where my shoulder was about to dislocate. "Hi, friends! My name's Banana Nut! Well, we technically aren't friends yet, but I'm sure we're going to become friends real soon and have all sorts of fun and waaaaaaait...are you my new roommate?" he asked pointing at me.

"Uh," I stammered. "This is room 305, isn't it?"

"Last time I checked! Ooh! I guess that means we're going to be super DUPER best friends, right mister...uh...I don't know your name," he admitted, smiling sheepishly. I looked over at Margarine, hoping that she was getting a bizarre feeling of awkwardness like I was receiving. Instead, she was giving him a big smile and a slight blush.

"Uhh...my name's Popcorn Ball. And this is Margarine Cream."

"Hiii, Banana~" she said with a slight flutter in her voice, trying to seduce him.

Uh oh, I thought to myself. I looked at Banana, hoping that he wouldn't pick up on her flirts.

Thankfully, he ignorantly passed it off as just her typical nature and said, "Wow, we're all named after foods!" He giggled in a coltish manner and stated, "All this food talk is making me hungry~. Which reminds me, have you two checked out the food court?! It is DELICIOUS! Ooh, also they have this secret gum stash where you can get free gum! Guess where it is! Guess! Give up? It's under the tables!"

While he was rambling on nonsensically, I decided to plan out my next move to Margarine. I took note of Banana's apparent stupidity and decided to use it to my advantage. "Oh, I forgot something! I'll be right back, you two!" I said.

"M'kay, Popcorn," Margarine said, still gazing into Banana's purple eyes.

"Take all the time you need, Poppy~" Banana said. I cringed a bit at the new nickname, but continued to smile. I rushed downstairs, trying to find a gift and spotted a small vase with a lone flower on it. I looked around to make sure nopony was watching and snatched it the flower from its glass domain. I smirked at how brilliant and romantic I thought I was and rushed back upstairs. I opened the door to the dorm and saw the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. Margarine was making out with Banana.

My ears lowered as Margarine broke away and looked into Banana's eyes. "Mmm~ You're sooo cute~!"

Banana blushed and giggled. "Wow, I haven't been here for more than five minutes and I already have a marefriend~"

I kept looking at the two, completely sad and yet also angry that I had let this happened. I felt more upset than I ever had in my entire life. I dropped the flower I had saved for Margarine to the ground and walked into the dorm. Margarine noticed me and smiled big, "Hey Popcorn, guess what~?"

"You're...dating Banana?" I asked in a surprised and slightly saddened tone.

Banana gasped. "How did you know? Are you a psychic?"

I felt an extra twinge of humiliation that I was bested by this idiot. Either that or he was playing dumb to act cute in front of Margarine. However, the former seemed more accurate.

Before I could respond, Margarine spoke up. "Oh Banana! Do you wanna meet my new roommate when she comes in?"

"Ooh, more friends to meet~? Of course!" Banana smiled big and looked towards me. "Do you wanna come too, Poppy?"

"Ehh...I'll think about it. I'm going to start unpacking."

"Oh I forgot...I was gonna help you with that!"

"Oh no, I got it," I smiled falsely.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Positive. I'm fine with doing it on my own." I kept smiling, hoping she'd pass it off.

"Well...if you insist. C'mon, Banana!" She made her way back to her dorm with Banana following her. When I was sure they left, I closed and locked the door.

Almost immediately I walked up to the nearby wall and slammed my head against it. A little too hard, I might add. When I moved my head back up there was a gaping hole in the wall and felt trickles of blood rolling from my forehead. I heard Banana walk up to the door and ask from the outside, "Popcorn? You alright, buddy?"

"F-Fine," I answered. "I'm just going to take a nap."

"Alright," I thought he said. I couldn't tell to be honest. I passed out while he was talking because of the blow to the head.

When I woke up, I was greeted with the dusty floor of my new dorm. I got up slowly and felt my head. It hurt a lot and I felt some dried blood on it. I opened the door to my dorm and walked down the hall towards the public bathroom. I passed by a group of mares as I trotted and noticed that they all looked at me with a face of disgust. I thought that one of them muttered "Eww..." under their breath, but I couldn't be sure.

I got to the bathroom and checked my mug in the mirror. My face looked even worse than before because of the bruise and dried blood. I tried washing some of the blood of my face in the sink, but even with a clean face, I still looked awful. I sighed loudly and laid my head on the sink again.

I did not take into account my bruise and passed out again.

At the end of the day, I questioned if I had the right to say that I was smarter than Banana.

Like A Winner

"Butter? Are you okay in there?!" Popcorn called out.

"JUST A SECOND, I'M TRYING TO FIND SOME SNACKS!"

Popcorn sighed and looked to Margarine, who was slouched in her seat on the couch. Her eyelid drooped down slowly and quickly shot up again as she tried not to fall asleep. "It feels like he's taking FOREVER," Margarine whined.

"Yeah, it feels like it's been over seven months since he started his break."

"Eight months AND a day at LEAST."

"I'M BACK! I'M BACK!" Butter called out as he trotted back into the room holding a bag of flavored potato chips in his mouth. He opened the bag and stuck his muzzle in the back, catching a few chips in his mouth before chewing and swallowing. "S-So, where were we again?"

"Right...now that you're all settled..."

I opened my eyes slowly with a ringing in my ears. My head hurt awfully bad as an annoyingly bright light shone in my face, blinding me. I squinted and held a hoof up to block the light as I sat up carefully. I was in an empty doctor's office and sitting on a doctor's table. The seat under me was cushioned and felt pleasant to lay on, so I decided to settle down once more on my back.

It actually felt very pleasant.

And it was very quiet.

I was alone to my thoughts.

I smiled a bit and closed my eyes, about to enjoy a nice rest before–

"HEEEEEEEEEY, POPCORN!"

"GAAAH!" I held onto my chest and rolled off the doctor's table, landing on my back. The force upon hitting the ground caused the wind to get knocked out of me as I gasped for air. "A-Agh..." I groaned while I stared at whoever scared the living crap out of me just then.

Oh, what a surprise. The life-ruiner.

"Oh my gosh! Popcorn, I'm sorry! Here, lemme help ya up!" Banana said as he grabbed both my hooves and pulled me back up to all fours.

I was still wheezing from the blow and trying to gather up enough energy to tell him to shove his t-shirt up his–

"Popcorn! Language!"

"...Sorry, sweetie..."

"B-Banana, what are you doing here?!"

"Well now, I can't just leave one of my new friends alone with a head injury now, could I?"

It'd be nicer if you did... I thought to myself. "Um...thanks, for coming Banana but you probably have more important things to do."

"Nnnnnope! I've made my schedule completely open so that I can spend time with my new friend!"

"...Yaaaaay," I groaned.

"Oh, and that reminds me!" Banana cleared his throat and called out, "MARGARINE! POPCORN'S AWAAAKE~!"

"HE IS?!" I heard Margarine ask enthusiastically from the hallway. She stormed into the room in a blur with a big smile on her face. "YAY, POPPY'S OKAY!" She rushed over and hugged me as my face glowed red from the beautiful pony in front of me.

Yes, I'll be fine if you please hug me for several more minutes~

Unfortunately, her loving embrace subsided when she backed away and put her arms around Banana...

...Good feeling's gone.

"I'm so glad you're alright, Popcorn! What happened? I just went to go to the potty and I find you on the ground with a bruise on your head!" Coming to a realization, he gasped in surprise. "DID SOMEPONY BEAT YOU UP?! NO ONE BEATS UP MY FRIENDS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

"No, no! Nopony beat me up! I just slipped and fell is all," I lied, knowing I'd look like an idiot in front of Margarine. I couldn't risk her thinking any lower of me than she did already.

"Are you sure that's what happened?" he put a hoof on my shoulder and whispered at a barely audible volume. "Are those ponies that beat you up listening in on us? One blink for 'yes,' two blinks for 'no.'"

I rolled my eyes and pushed Banana away. "There aren't any ponies, Banana."

"SHHHH! POPCORN! YOU'LL BLOW OUR COVER!"

"Banana, be reasonable now. I simply slipped and fell on my head. I'm clumsy, alright?"

"...Fine. But, if anyone's giving you a hard time, let me know," he said as he wrapped an arm around Margarine and gave her a peck on the cheek.

I opened my mouth to give the name of one certain pegasus who was bothering me, but I felt that it was in better interest to not speak my mind at the moment.

"Whatever you say," I simply answered instead.

Banana and Margarine both gave me a smile as I tried my best to smile back. All of a sudden, Banana turned his head towards the clock, looking at the time. "Oh my gosh, it's almost time for our first class!" Banana reached under his shirt and by somehow breaking the law of conservation of mass pulled out a huge stack of papers and pencils. "SORRY, I CAN'T BE LATE! I NEED TO CHOOSE THE BEST SEATS!" He gave Margarine a quick kiss on the cheek, making her blush and giggle. In a flash, he exited the room, leaving Margarine and me to ourselves.

"Oh my gosh, Popcorn," Margarine gushed. "Banana is just the CUTEST THING!"

"So I hear," I replied, trying to hide my annoyance.

"He's so sweet and funny and kind and he's PERFECT!"

Okay, now you're just rubbing it in! "Uh huh. Fascinating."

"Oh, Popcorn! Have you ever met that one pony that you wish you could spend the rest of your life with? That's what it feels like!"

Ouch. Okay, feeling really bad here. Thank you. "I...uh...I feel ya! I mean...n-not yet but I'm sure she's coming into my life soon!"

Margarine stopped her fantasizing about Banana and frowned at me. "Oh Popcorn, I'm sorry. You'll get that special mare in your life! Just keep trying!"

I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS! I yelled in my head as I clenched my teeth together hard, keeping a smile.

"Popcorn, are you okay? You seem a bit tense."

I kept grinding my teeth together to the point where one of them chipped...painfully. "MFF!" I grimaced, but fought through the pain and gave another smile. "M-Mhhhhhhhmmm," I nodded. "I actually need to go to my first class too, so I guess I'll see you later then!" I said quickly, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. I got off my hospital bed and made my way to the bathroom where I locked the door and held onto my jaw.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAMMIT, THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFU–"

Before I finished my swear I heard a knock on the door and the voice of a random stallion. "Hey buddy, you okay in there? Don't strain yourself, now!"

"I-I'm fine!" I reassured with a giant, uneasy smile. "Thank you for caring about my well-being, sir!"

"Yeah, whatever, weirdo," he said.

I dropped my smile and thought to myself, Okay, Popcorn. Don't focus on her right now. You have your first class in ten minutes and need to FOCUS! I slapped myself across the face to make me more alert. Don't! Mess! UP! I looked at myself in the mirror and pretended my reflection was my opponent and that I was in a boxing ring. I started throwing jabs and hooks through the air, acting like I was giving my mirror image a hell of a beating. I made grunting noises with every fake punch. I felt like a real boxer.

I felt like a winner!

I bucked the toilet hard with my back hoof, making a small dent on the side of it. "YEAAAAAAAH!" I cheered with gusto, screaming into the heavens. "I'M A WINNER!"

I opened the door quickly, meeting eyes with a slightly older stallion.

"Damn, dude. Are you okay? It sounds like that journey ripped you a new one."

"I'M BETTER THAN ALRIGHT! I'M A WINNER!" I exclaimed as I walked down the hallway cheerfully.

The last thing I heard that stallion call out before I left was, "YOU FORGOT TO WASH YOUR HOOVES!"

Author's Note

It's baaaaaaaack~ :pinkiecrazy: