HiE Redux

by Mister E

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2959

Human Dave makes an unexpected trip to Equestria. For Twilight Sparkle that just means one more monkey to feed. Acclimating humans may have become routine by now for ponies, but not for Dave.

The human known as Dave suddenly finds himself in the magical land of Equestria. Things go south pretty quickly after that.
(A short parody of some of the cliche's in the Human in Equestria genre.)

Published 2015-04-15 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-15 02:40:01 UTC

Lost in the land of English speaking ponies...

                  (Dave)

  "...and you need to finish it today! This order has to ship first thing in the morning or there will be hell to pay.”

           I nod mutely at my boss. When he starts to ‘tirade’, experience has taught me to just smile and nod. At least if I want to escape the situation with a minimal amount of damage.

          "...and I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about what happened the last time their shipment was late.”

         No boss, you don’t, although why they bothered to send the entire order back if they were in such a hurry to get it, only to reorder the same thing the following week... well, let’s just say that SOMEbody was taught a lesson, but I don’t think it was what they meant to teach me.

   “...performance review coming up, an-”

          Oh he’s in full swing today. Someone is off his diet... I detect the sublime influence of sugar coated pastry, dipped in liquid caffeine... this could take awhile. Which is a shame because I could probably be halfway finished with the order in question by now. Okay Dave, keep upright, sooner or later the sugar rush will wear off, or the coffee will finally induce a bio emergency... just find something to focus on until then. The cracks in the wall... the cobwebs on the old cutters... the fluffy white clouds in the clear blue sky... the clear blue sky that is where my ceiling used to be... the lush forest and gentle sounds of a nearby stream... the fact that my boss has apparently turned into a tree...

  Hold on half a tic... my boss... (overweight, loud, red faced human[esk] thing), is now a tree... (large brown and green thing of mostly wooden nature, with a noticeably smaller vocabulary)... SO COOL!

  Alright, let’s just chill for a minute and take in the new found surroundings. Hmm, I’m thinking ‘forest’. Yeah, it’s got that whole ‘woodsy’ vibe going on. Lotta green... Yup, lot... of... green. {Cringe}. Thankfully I don’t have any type of enhanced vision, (well, that isn’t chemically induced). I don’t even want to know all of the slimy, crawly, burrowy types of life forms that are surrounding me even as I speak. Toats happy it isn’t a sandal type day, and that I am wearing nice thick sneakers.

Time to offer a quick prayer of thanks to the god of sweat shop workers, (Tu Dam Phat), and hoof it down the dirt path that seems to be the only thing remotely like a road for as far as I can see. I don’t know how I did it, but I’ve somehow managed to skip work in the most outrageous way possible.

Meanwhile...

"There it is!” Rainbow Dash yells, as she spots a lone figure moving through the forest.

“Oh sweet Celestia, not ANOTHER one! That’s the fifth one this year so far, and it’s only April.” Twilight replies. Quickly she lifts a small crystal up before her face. Inside she can see the smiling form of Pinkie Pie.

“Did you find him huh? Didja? Didja?” Pinkie asks, bouncing in place in front of a large map in the Castle of Friendship.

“Yes Pinkie, he was right where you said he would be.” Twilight admits reluctantly.

“See Twilight, I told you I was good at using this thing!” Pinkie cries out in delight.

“Fine Pinkie fine. But we are still not going to rename it ‘Giggle Maps’, Twilight replies adamantly. “All right Rainbow Dash, let’s go get this over with...”

(Dave)

Okay, that is not what I was expecting. Hummingbirds yeah, robins, bluebirds, maybe a hawk, but NOT I repeat not, two multicolored flying ponies. Aaaand they’re landing... aaand they’re trotting toward me... aaaand they’re talking... of course they are... in English.

“Hi, my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, an-”

Of course it is... and why English? Why not Hindu, or Japanese, or Latin...

“and I’m sure you have a lot of questions, this must be new t-”,

...I mean how many alien films, sci-fi stories or what have you have you ever seen where they all speak perfect mandarin?  or Swahili? Why always English? Oh crap, purple mouthy pony (High Life Sashimi?) has stopped speaking and is looking at me all expectantly. I’m due to say something aren’t I? Oh well, guess I’ll have to wing it....

(Rainbow Dash)

Oh sweet Luna, another human. Why? Why are almost all of them human? Why can’t we get another Kzin? That last one put up a heck of a fight! And now I have to sit through another one of Twilight’s ‘welcome to Equestria’ indoctrination speeches, while she enchants him on the sly with that nonviolence spell of hers... C’mon, c’mon, c’mon... sooo bored. Okay Rainbow Dash, stay upright... just try to find something to focus on until- wait, is she finished? Awesome! Okay monkey, tell us how awesome we are so we can go back home.

“I am the human known as ‘Dave’. Um, that is to say, ‘Dave the indescribably awesome'? Yeah, that works. Behold my many wiggly fingers and totally opposable thumbs! Wooo, big juju. Ogansa Besasa! Okay, so like, take me to your leader.”

AHHHHH! HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!  No, no no! I do NOT want to go to Canterlot today. I was SUPPOSED to be hanging out with the Wonderbolts! Stupid, stupid monkey! So unfair! And Twilight of course will say...

“No problem. I’m sure Princess Celestia will want to meet you as well.”

ARRRRHHHHH! I so bucking called it! Buck me six times sideways. Alright Rainbow, you still have a few seconds before she remembers you, time to bail!

“Hey Rainbow Dash, I need you-”

“Sorry Twilight, gotta dash, ponies to be. Places to meet. Have fun with your new monkey!”

“Rainbow Dash!!!! Grrr. Fine! Alright... Dave was it? Hop on, let’s go see the princess.”

(Dave)

Okay, so that went well. And now I’m riding a female sentient life form, that is unfortunately, A. Not a human, and B. Flying far too high in the sky for something with no handlebars, seat belts, or air bags. Okay Dave, be cool. Do NOT pee in terror on the back of the sentient flying unipony. There is no conceivable way that that would end well.

Later...

Civilization at last. Alright, granted it’s a pony based civilization, but if they have a sufficiently advanced technology to fry foods, then I’ll be good with it. Hmm, talky pony isn’t messing around, looks like we are heading for the big house first. Not sure if that’s a castle or a cathedral... a casedral?  Whatevs. Guess I’m going to meet the head horse. Just be cool Dave, best foot forward, represent your species.

“Ah, Dave? You can get off me now. I’d rather not be ridden into the throne room when we meet the princess.”

Oops! “Sorry,”

         Yeah I don’t suppose the big cheese would like me straddling one of her subjects right in front of her. Although there was that Greek dude Caligula... Anyway... so, ‘princess’, which means castle not church. Guess I don’t rank high enough to meet the queen. Hmm, nice place, vaulted ceilings. What’s with all the stained glass windows? Maybe ‘casedral’ is the right term for this place after all. Whoops, red carpet, pony guards, this must be the place. Okay, just pay attention and don’t say anything stupid to the boss horse...

“OMG! You’re that horse from She-Ra! Swift Wind! But wait, weren’t you a guy?”

Oh man, oh man, oh man... that was NOT the right thing to say. She is NOT looking happy, although every pony else seems to think it’s hilarious, especially that cute little black one next to her.

“Sooth sister, thou dost owe me twenty bits yet again!” the black one says.

“Oh by the great Zacherle! Mattel has much to answer for! Ninety percent all female cast, but the alicorn lead is a male? Lou Scheimer had best pray to his god that he never falls into a portal!” (not) Swift Wind says, in obvious rage.

Oh yeah, this isn’t going to end well...

The return trip to Ponyville...

(Twilight Sparkle)

Well that went about as well as expected. As usual I have to take care of the mo- ah, human, until he can find a job and a place to stay. At least the castle has more room for them than the old library. I’m beginning to wonder if Celestia cooked up the whole elements, tree, box thing, just so she could fob off all the aliens onto me. Oh well, at least this one isn’t a ‘brony’. That last one...{shudder}, okay first things first, get him settled in, have him meet his roommate, and gather up all the humans in Ponyville (again), to help him acclimate. At least that will give Pinkie an excuse to throw another party.

Later...

(Dave)

So glad I made it out of Canterlot alive. Suddenly living in the sticks doesn’t sound like a bad way to go. Sucks that they don’t have a way to send me back. At least the princess said there were a bunch of other humans living in Ponyville. Man that name is so wrong... I mean I never Google’d it, but I’m pretty sure we never had a town called Humanville, or Teensburg, or Personcity. Oh great, purple talky pony has stopped talking again and is looking at me, I really need to pay more attention to her, but she just goes on, and on, and on. Why couldn’t I get a New York city version of her? That I could deal with. OW! Did she just kick me?

“I SAID this is your new roommate Jeff. You two will be sharing a room until Jeff moves out next week. He can help you get used to life in Ponyville, and help you find work. You are welcome to stay here until you can afford a place of your own. Something I ENCOURAGE you to do as soon as possible.” Hig- I mean Twilight says to me, trying hard to remain cordial.

Oh thank god, another human being. Tall, skinny, bedraggled beard, this dude just screams hippie wanna-be. Still, two legs and upright, my back already likes talking to him.

“Jeff? Name's Dave, good to meet you. So you just appeared here as well?”

“Nice to meet you man. Yeah, one minute I was walking into the restroom at Bronycon, and the next minute I’m out in the Everfree Forest. Totally thought I was having a flashback, but it’s been like a month now, so if this is a trip, it’s the longest I’ve ever been on. Speaking of which, you don’t by any chance-”

        “No.”

“Okay man, just checking, no harm done. So like, I should mention, there’s this pink pony in town named Pinkie Pie. Right now she’s probably gathering up all the other humans in town to throw you a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party. She like, throws parties all the time. No, I mean really, ALL the time. You can’t avoid them, so you might as well just roll with it. If nothing else, it’ll give you a chance to meet the rest of us.”

That doesn’t sound so bad. Jeff doesn’t seem like a BAD guy, but that whole hippie vibe? Not my scene. Hopefully the rest are a little more contemporary.

“Another good thing about the party is that you’ll get a chance to meet most of the locals. They’ve gotten into the habit of using the welcoming party as a kind of ‘hiring fair’, so you should be able to scout out an odd job or two. Trust me man, if you can find something in town, take it. Otherwise you’ll have to settle for ‘the farm’. You do NOT want to go there man. It’s like indentured servitude, and the old lady pony that runs the place is like really tight with the bits. Don’t expect to come away feeling good about it.”

Oh jeez, sounds like my grandma, weed the whole garden and get a quarter. {Shudder}, no thank you. Yeah, I’ll be focusing more in town. Fast food industry, parts stores, grocery stores. It’ll be like when I was a teenager. Hmm, I wonder if all the humans here have thought about starting their own business.

“Hey Jeff, got a question. Twilight says there are a fair number of us humans here. Do we have like our own little village to live in? Have we started any of our own businesses?”

“Ah. Well, no, not really. Aside from myself they’ve all already integrated into pony society. To be honest, we usually don’t spend much time around each other.”

Huh? That’s weird. Stuck on an alien world with a bunch of talking ponies, you’d think we’d all huddle up together. I mean Twilight and the rest are okay, but surely the need for simple human companionship would at least make us socialize with each other. Weird...

Later, at the party...

“...and I made all of the food an decorations myself. I know you’ve probably gotten used to eating meat and other icky stuff, but I’m sure it won’t take you long to get used to our vegan lifestyle. I made all kinds of goodies for you to try, so let me know what you like the most.” Pinkie Pie says excitedly.

Wow. And I thought Twilight was the chatterbox. This chick must mainline sugar. She’s been bouncing around excitedly ever since she came to get me. Like, literally bouncing. How does she do that? Must be an alien pony thing. Vegan lifestyle? Oh no, NOT going to happen. I’ll make myself a fishing pole, or learn to hunt if I have to. There’s bound to be the equivalent of rabbits or squirrels or some such out there. Unless they talk... Gah! No, surely everything in this world doesn’t talk. Well, at least not as much as Pinkie Pie hopefully.

  Okay, the other humans were NOT what I was expecting. William seems like a stand up guy, and Christopher is cool. But I can’t help noticing that they both seem very... um... cuddly, with their pony friends. Also, they are the only two here that aren’t wearing those freaky green masks. I thought Jeff must have been yanking my chain about the whole ‘Cult of Anon’ thing, but he was serious.

  I’m trying to wrap my mind around the idea of voluntarily giving up my individuality, and donning the same outfit, and wearing a green mask with a question mark everywhere I go. I mean I liked 'The Riddler' as much as the next guy, (except the Jim Carry version, gah, what is with that guy? For every 'Truman Show', there's a 'Popper's Penquins'), but the only good riddle I know is- 'It's more powerful than God, it's more evil than the Devil, The poor have it. The rich need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What am I?'.

“It’s not really a good idea to stare at them Dave.” Jeff says to me. “They won’t get mad at you for it, but they will probably take it to mean that you are interested in joining them, {shudder}.

“No worries there, Jeff. I don't see that happening. Why do they do it?”

“Well, for some it’s just for fun. For some it’s to hide their identity. Some people aren’t comfortable with other humans knowing that they have gotten married to, or just having a relationship with a pony. Other people like William and Christopher, are cool about it, and have nothing to hide. Either way, none of us judge. If the ‘Cult of Anon’ want to do things that way, it’s cool. Nothing sinister going on. They are just more comfortable remaining anonymous.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Backup. Hit the brakes. Stop the train. Get the Balrog out of the woodpile. He said WHAT now?

“Uh, Jeff. Did you say people have relationships with ponies? They even marry ponies? That, um, happen a lot?”

                  "Well, they're like really cute man, they got this whole cute, 'please give me hugz and bewwy wubs' thing happening, man. You can almost feel them working their weirdness on you man, their cute weirdness, man."

                  "Ooookay. But cuteness aside. Relationships? Marriage?"

“Brother, I don’t know if you’ve noticed it yet, but every single one of us humans here is male.”

"Wait, what?!?" I take a frantic look around at all the dudes masked and otherwise cuddling with their special somepoines... Oh...  my... god... he’s right! Every single human here is a guy!

“Jeff, do you mean every human in Ponyville? Or...”

“Equestria Dave, every single human in Equestria is male. Dave? Um, Dave? Are you okay?”

…

…

...

“Dave! Stop spacing out on me... Dave! I’m just wasting my breath trying to motivate you aren’t I? Just get back to work. And I don’t want to see you coming up for air until that order is finished. You get me?"

              Is that my boss? Let's see... short, sweaty, belligerent, verbose, smelling of stale coffee and garlic? Yup, that's him. I'm back!  Oh thank Swift Wind! Er, I mean Celestia! Work never looked THIS good before.

“Yessir boss, NO problem. I’ll take care of it right now.” Wow... longest diatribe ever! Remind me to NEVER let my mind wander that far again. No girls in fantasy pony land?  What does THAT say about my psyche? {Shudder}.

                On the other hand, those green masks and suits were pretty cool. Next Comicon I may just have to give that a go. Sure, people might not get it, but hey, that’s cool. After all, I’d be... Anonymous.