The Complicated Equestrian Life Of A Man Named JD
Episode 1: Tickets + Twilight = Trouble!
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
There came a loud knocking on the other side of my door. I couldn't, for the life of me, understand who would be out and about at this hour!
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
This was going on for quite some time, now. All I really wanted was to go back to bed!
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
I grumbled as the knocking only persisted. If I had to guess the source of the racket, I would only guess that it was... her.
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
I swore to myself. If whoever it was on the other side of the door knocked one more time, then they had better have a good reason why they're waking me up at six thirty in the morning! This was getting way too out of hand... or out of hoof in their case!
...
The tension in the air was so thick, I could probably actually see it if my eyes weren't under the pillow of my bed... or I suppose it's more of a pallet that consisted of two mattresses and a custom-made comforter. Being the only human in a world run by little talking ponies might be a pretty good reason why that is.
Since the knocking was no longer present, I thanked Celestia or whoever the deity of this world was for allowing me this extra couple minutes of sleep, as my mind drifted back into the Dreamscape that Princess Luna reclaimed shortly before she chose me as her personal student... which still baffles me to this day, considering the fact that I can't cast magic at all!
I was walking through the all-too-familiar hallway in the Canterlot Academy. The students were rushing to their classes, while a couple of them chose to stay behind to speak with me.
One of them waved at me with a smile and said, "Hey, JD! How's it going?"
I waved back before leaning on my locker... only for my shoulder to pass right through it. I fell a few feet down lower and landed on something soft.
When I opened my eyes to see what it was that I landed on, I stared wide-eyed at none other than a tall white horse-like creature with a horn, a set of wings, and a four-colored mane and tail that flowed without even the slightest breeze in the air. For some odd reason, this thing resembled my principal, yet she stared at me with a curious expression, while she lied on a tall, red mattress.
I gulped nervously as I stared at it in horror before she weakly smiled at me and asked, "Are you lost, young one?"
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
My eyes snapped open in an instant. The redness surrounding them was more than likely caused by one or two things; sleepiness and/or sheer anger at whoever it was that just forced me out of my peaceful slumber yet again.
Whoever it was on the other side of my door was most likely going to get a stern talking-to about mornings, as well as how far human nature could take certain individuals when pushed too far out of their comfort zone.
I growled loudly before throwing the covers off the bed and halfway down my room. Then I stomped up to the door, which was still knocking, and firmly gripped onto the door handle. Finally, with my lungs full of air and ready to start complaining, I jerked the door open...
...but failed to spot the small metal hammer set on a collision course for the muscles in-between my legs in time.
And thus, my attempts at complaining turned into pure silence, which was started by the sound of a nasty crack... or at least I hope it was just my imagination. I bit my lips closed as tears quickly fell from my eyes and covered my cheeks, which were both starting to look a bright shade of red.
With my knees on the ground, I was able to see the hammer-wielding, morning-ruining, annoying, dream-stealing mare... but unlike who I was expecting, it was none other than Applejack, the orange earth pony mare with a blonde mane and a stetson on her head.
She stared at me wide-eyed before dropping the hammer and rushing up to me. "SWEET CELESTIA! JD, ARE Y'ALL ALRIGHT?!"
"YOU JUST POPPED MY BALLOONS, YOU BITCH!" I wanted to reply to her so badly, but unfortunately once I got to the point where I could open my mouth, my voice was cracked, high-pitched, and incomprehensible even to myself. At least she got the gesture and stopped the damn knocking... too bad I might not be able to get any more sleep as a result... or have children... despite the unlikeliness of the latter, anyways.
"Deep breaths, JD. In through the nose, out through the mouth," she cooed while gently patting the back of my shoulders. I nodded my head and did as instructed, despite the doubts that were in my mind.
Even though my rocks felt like pebbles, I was surprised at how fast the pain was going away. If I didn't know any better, I would probably be able to walk again in the matter of minutes... or hobble, at the very least.
When I was able to speak again, however, I quickly remembered that I was angry... and the fact that she not only woke me up, but also had the nerve to be using a hammer on my door (along with my marbles) only fueled the flame. "THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.
She recoiled back at my outburst, an uneasy look on her face. "Ah'm sorry, Sugarcube! Ah didn't realize y'all was about to open the door, otherwise Ah'd have stopped ta let y'all speak!"
"YEAH, WELL I'M AWAKE NOW, SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE MY CHILDREN FOR TO GET FROM ME?!"
She looked at my door and replied, "Ah was just hammerin' a message fer y'all ta look at, since Twilight said y'all was asleep... Ah'm sorry if Ah woke y'all up, also."
I grumbled before nodding my head. I took a few more deep breaths until my breathing was normal again. Then I sighed and looked at her with a deadpanned look on my face. "Apology accepted... now please, just head on out. I don't think the message will be... wait, why are you using my door to post your messages?!"
"Ah figured since y'all always have ta go to the Town Hall ta find y'alls jobs fer the day, Ah'd make y'alls first assignment easier ta get to?" She grinned sheepishly before heading out the door. "Anyways, Ah've left the information on y'alls door. Please don't be late, as Ah'm willin' ta give y'all a little extra bits fer the hard work!"
I closed my eyes and feigned snoring, which only made her snicker. "Y'all behave, now! An' uh... Ah'll also give y'all some extra bits fer... this incident?" I nodded to her without even opening my eyes. Then I heard the sound of hooves headed away... finally, she was gone.
I closed my door and gripped onto the door handle. Weakly lifting myself up, I had to quickly do a head-count between my legs. "One... two... three, okay good. They're all still in there, and in one piece." Firmly gripping them together, I slowly waddled my way towards my bed again.
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
I stopped mid-waddle and sighed before turning around and heading towards my front door again. Opening it (while ensuring that my legs were safe), I looked down and noticed the one culprit who I assumed was the first to knock... Twilight Sparkle, the lavender unicorn mare with a purple mane and tail, neatly combed, and bearing a single pink stripe vertically across the corner.
AKA, Ms. "I'm-Willing-To-Kiss-The-Princess'-Asses-To-Get-You-To-Do-Whatever-I-Ask", or "You-May-As-Well-Consider-Dreams-A-Distant-Memory"... she has a few other nicknames I've made for her, but those two tend to be the most frequently used, and most relevant ones of them all... and the second one was actually just recently made, in fact.
Her annoyingly huge smile made me aware of the fact that she didn't know about my predicament, nor did she get the fact that I'm not a morning person drilled through that book-worshiping head of hers.
"Oh good, you're awake! Does this mean you're ready to-"
*SLAM*
I didn't even bother listening to her sentence, as I wasn't in the mood for company, anyways. I turned to leave, only for my door to magically open itself up with an annoyed annoying unicorn trotting inside... uninvited, might I add.
"JD! What has gotten into you?!" she huffed angrily.
I rolled my eyes and continued to waddle to my bed again. "If you're speaking literally, a hammer has gotten into me in places I'd rather not explain to you."
Her anger was lost in an instant, and was replaced with shock. "WHAT?! Oh my gosh, you aren't hurt, are you?!"
"I'm having to waddle to my bed... do the math, genius."
Her ears splayed back and her expression soured again. "Wow, someone's in a bad mood."
I smirk at that and turn to face her. "I've been forcefully woken up several times, and when I open the door, I play baseball with a hammer, using my... um... stallion-hood as a baseball... and apparently, Applejack hit a home run."
Twilight winced at that statement. "Ooh... that does sound painful, especially if the hit came from Applejack." Then she shook her head and deadpanned at me again. "Hey! This isn't the time to be sleeping, JD! We need to get to Applejack's farm in less than an hour!"
I lied down on my bed again and raised my middle finger at her. "A couple missed tasks never hurt anybody."
"She's our friend, though!"
"She's your friend, though. Don't forget, while you and the others went into the Everfree Forest, I was stuck in Canterlot, forced to learn some of the pony customs."
"Yeah! And when Princess Luna returned, she took you on as her student! And you know what that means, don't you?!"
I rolled my eyes and replied, "Well, get her to get me out of bed, then... if you can."
Despite not looking at her, I could practically tell she was grinning mischievously at me. "Oh, I intend to!" With that, my door shut, and I was happily at peace again.
Once more, I drifted into the Dreamscape.
Rather than going through memories, I found myself walking through, what appeared to be, an endless void of midnight and stars. I blinked owlishly, not knowing what to expect... that is, until I heard the sound of wings flapping behind me.
I turned around and gasped when I saw the opposite alicorn that I saw in my last dream. Rather than a spectral four-colored mane and tail, this one had a blue mane and tail with a starry pattern in both. Her coat was also blue, and she stood a little shorter than Princess Celestia, the last alicorn I saw.
Without a doubt, I was being visited by Princess Luna.
I gave her a friendly (and (metaphorically) ass-kissing) wave and asked, "Hey, Luna! What's going on?"
She said nothing, but merely continued trotting towards me with a small smile on her face. I felt a little uneasy as she stopped just a few feet away from me. Then I saw her right wing inch towards something behind me, yet I was unable to move. Then, with a loud clapping noise, her wing found its way onto the back of my head... forcefully. In her usual Royal Canterlot Voice, she called out, "WAKE UP!", and before I knew it, everything became dark once again.
My eyes shot open, but I remained in bed. Then I looked around, and found myself back in my room. I rubbed my eyes and tried figuring out what just happened... then the memories of what Twilight said to me earlier played through my mind.
I made the perfect imitation sound of a snarling dog before kicking my legs out of bed and roaring. "Looks like somepony found her way onto my shit list... again! ...Ow, my nuts..." Finally able to walk again, I checked myself in the mirror by my bed.
"Yep, still wearing my old uniform, it seems... might have to ask Little-Miss Perfectionist how she's doing on my other clothes," I mumbled to the light-skinned man in the mirror with dark brown hair and dark green eyes, who was wearing a worn gray suit jacket over a white dress shirt with a blue bow tie, dark blue denim jeans, and black laced shoes.
Giving my hair a quick finger-brush to the side, I stumbled out the door, and headed towards the infamous Sweet Apple Acres, eying the huge eyes that stared at me as I walked, and raised a certain finger at them that I knew they didn't know the meaning of.
I sighed as Twilight, Applejack, and Spike walked ahead of me. During a majority of the morning, we were going through the fields gathering apples from the trees... or in the farm pony's case, they "bucked" the apple trees, while Spike and I went through the apple buckets, either hauling them to her shed, or sorting through them for any bad apples... and somehow, I ended up carrying the bucket with the bad apples.
In reality, though, I was the only one out of the two of us who was actually doing something productive, since Spike was just tossing them out of his bucket... and a majority of the ones that he was throwing out didn't even look bad at all!
That's another thing... apparently, the apples that these ponies call "Low-Quality" would actually be ten times more better than any of the apples I've seen in the stores... talk about really high standards, huh?!
It was when my stomach started growling when I realized what time it was, and more than likely got a clue about why Spike was tossing all of those apples out of the bucket... he was hungry too, and was searching for an apple decent enough for him to eat... even though he ate five of them thirty minutes ago!
If he and I didn't get along as well as we did, I would've considered him a greedy little shit-stain... of course, I would call him that behind his back, since he's still technically a baby dragon. That fact alone is another reason why I'm willing to actually accept his obnoxious mannerisms.
Of course, I felt a lot more frustrated again once one of the apples hit me in the forehead. "Ouch! Dude, watch where you throw that stuff, man!" I complained, causing the mares and the dragon to stop in place.
Spike smiled sheepishly before shrugging his shoulders. "Uh... sorry?"
I sighed before rolling my eyes, picking up the apple that he threw at me, and taking a bite out of it, causing the mares to look at me in disgust. "No worries."
"Ugh... how can you stand to eat an apple with a bruise on it?!" Twilight groaned. I snickered to myself before taking an even slower bite, and chewing with my mouth open... making them turn their heads away from me in disgust.
"Survival of the fittest, Sparklebutt... and you're still technically on my shit list, anyways." I thought to myself as I continued enjoying the beautiful taste of Equestria's "worst" kind of apple... AKA, Earth's "divine" level of an apple.
Spike tilted his head confusedly at me eating the apple before deciding to take a bite of one as well. With an intrigued mumble of approval, he began to eat one as well, much to the mares' disgust.
"Ugh, not you too, Spike!" Twilight complained. This made Spike and I bump fists before taking another bite of our apples.
Applejack chuckled lightly before turning towards us. "Thanks again fer y'alls help, by the way. Ah'll leave yer payment at yer doorstep, JD. Don' ferget to pick it up on yer way back!"
With an apple core tossed behind my shoulders and a thumbs-up, I nodded my head and yawned. "So I can leave now, right?"
Twilight was about to reply when Spike's lips puffed up. Next thing I knew, I had to jump-roll out of the way for one of his "Letter Belch Attack" spells, or whatever the hell they call it.
Ignoring my complaints that I started mumbling to them, the three of them gathered around the letter... or in this case, two letters. One for Twilight... and one for me.
"Kay, then... let's see what Luna has to yell at me about this time..." I mumbled as the three of them read their letter.
Our Faithless Faithful Student JD,
We have heard that Our sister shall be holding a festival known as the "Grand Galloping Gala". We must ensure that thou art aware that thou shall be attending as well.
Fear not, for We shall provide the money necessary to get thee here. Please ensure that Twilight is aware that Thou art the one that the second ticket is for... she forgot to address it in Twilight's letter.
Thy ImPatient Teacher
Princess Luna
I stared at the letter for about a minute, toning out everything they were reading from the other letter. Finally, I managed to find something to say.
"What the hell is-"
"THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA!!!"
Of course they would finish my freakin' sentence for me... damn cliched bitches be loud, too!
I walked up to the two ponies happily jumping in the air for no apparent reason and tapped on their shoulders. When they looked at me, I pointed at the "Grand Galloping Gala" portion of Luna's letter and asked, "So... mind explaining what Luna's sending us to do?"
"Us?" she asked, only for Spike to belch out two strange golden glowing tickets. Twilight caught them both in a spell and floated them up to us. "Wait, you're going to the Grand Galloping Gala?"
I shrugged my shoulders before replying, "Not sure, yet... mind telling me what it is?"
She smiled before looking up in the sky in a dream-like state. "Well, to put it plainly, the Grand Galloping Gala is one of Canterlot's most famous festivals where the Nobles gather around and mingle with each other, advancing in business opportunities, playing games like Croquette, enjoying the music, and most of all, dancing!"
"So... a Royal Ball?" I asked her. She nodded her head.
"I guess you could say that... so are you interested?"
I stood there silently before staring at the ticket in my hand. Then I looked back at her, smiled, and rose my pointing finger at her. "Okay... not only am I going to say no, but HELL no! I ain't interested in that girly shit!" I tossed the ticket to Spike. "Here, Spike. You take it!"
He swatted the ticket away from his proximity. "Ugh! I'm not interested in that girly shit, either!"
"SPIKE! LANGUAGE!" Twilight shouted, shortly before an apple "mysteriously" fell on the back of my head... at a faster-than-usual pace... with a "mysterious" lavender aura floating around it that most unicorns still don't even believe I could see.
"Sorry, Twilight..." Spike pouted at her before crossing his arms and glaring at the ticket that now rested in the grass. "Still, though, I'm not interested in any of that girly sh-um... frou-frou nonsense, either! Why not just give it to AJ?"
Applejack quickly approached the ticket with a huge smile on her face. "Why shucks, Sugarcube! Ah'll gladly take-"
"WHOA! HOLD ON A SECOND!"
...That voice. That horrible, inconsiderate, tomboyish voice... could only belong to one person in this known universe... and she was apparently spying on us this whole time! Like Hell am I going to let her get this ticket for whatever reason she has!
I quickly stomped my foot onto the ticket right as soon as a rainbow blur flew up to it. Upon making contact with my foot, the blur quickly became a cyan colored pegasus mare with a rainbow mane and tail... Rainbow Dash. Or should I go on ahead and call her "Rainbow Crash", since she did several rolls on the ground, and ending with a painful looking faceplant into a tree? (Along with another random apple hitting me in the back of the head.)
...By now I'm sure you already know the answer... and despite the pain of the apple that was quickly presented to me, I couldn't help but laugh my ass off.
"Well, now... it looks like Skittles' Rainbow just Crashed in uninvited." I snickered before chuckling at her dusty form, which was obviously infuriated at me.
She flew up in my face and shouted, "THE HAY WAS THAT FOR, YA JERK?!"
I rolled my eyes and replied, "I said I'd get you back last week, didn't I?"
She tossed her forehooves in the air and groaned. "Oh, come on! It's not like Twilight didn't grow your hair back after you shaved it off!"
I tossed my arms in the air and retorted, "It was PINK HAIR! I had to go bald for a whole day, with pink eyebrows! And pink hair on a guy doesn't work for any guy in any situation! Period!"
"Hey!" came the voice of another annoying pony... a white coated stallion with a pink mane and tail shaped in curls and swirls in every direction.
I pointed at the random stallion and shouted, "NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, COTTON! NOW GO AWAY!"
"Aww..." Cotton Candy pouted before slowly trotting back to Ponyville. As for why he was there to begin with, I'll never understand.
"Well, that sure was, uh... a thing that... that happened, Ah guess?" Applejack commented. Rainbow, Twilight, and Spike nodded their heads in agreement before Applejack turned towards Rainbow and glared at her. "But that's besides the point! Where in the hay were y'all at when Ah was bustin' mah tail all day in the orchards, Rainbow Dash?!" Her glare intensified. "Were y'all busy spyin?!"
Featherhead rolled her eyes before casually replying, "No!" She then pointed up at a tree that was "coincidentally" holding a pillow and an unfolded blanket on one of its branches. "I was busy napping!"
"Why didn't you just sleep on a cloud, Crashie?" I asked in an amused tone.
She took offense to the little pet name I used and retorted, "It's DASHIE... err... it's RAINBOW DASH! ...And I was just curious about how a branch feels compared to a cloud, thank-you-very-much!"
I crossed my arms and asked, "And the results?"
She paused for a moment and rubbed her chin in thought. "Cloud... definitely cloud."
"Um... guys? Weren't we talkin' about-" Apple-Jack Daniels began, only for Twinkly Sparklebottom to step up and intervene, interrupting Apple Brain from speaking her apple-loving mind.
"CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HOOF?!"
Spike sighed before tossing a bag of popcorn that he conjured up with a "Conjure Refreshment" spell and muttered, "Killjoy..."
Suddenly a man clad in white and gold armor appeared from out of nowhere, wielding a massive battleaxe. He approached the young drake in super slow-motion with the axe over his shoulders and shouted, "ARCANITE REAPER! HOOOOOOOO!" before being blasted back to wherever the Hell he came from by Spike's dragon breath.
"Not... you." Spike muttered before turning back towards us, who were completely unfazed by the events that just took place in the background.
"Anyways," Twilight began, magicking my ticket out of my hand, "I will have to think about this. For now, I'm starting to get hungry." She turned towards me and grinned mischievously. "And JD here is probably going to need something to eat as well."
I nodded my head and crossed my arms. "Yep... so later, losers!"
Before I could take two steps away, she magically gripped the collar of my shirt and dragged me towards Ponyville. "Oh, no you don't! You promised that we would go shopping! So we're going!"
"When the Hell did I agree to that?!" I asked.
"Remember three weeks ago?" she countered. I thought back to a certain day, and sighed.
"Hey, Twilight. I'm borrowing that book on flammable objects, and simple ways to quickly light something on fire."
"Okay, but I expect a shopping trip three weeks from now!"
"... And why is that?"
"My mom's birthday is coming up. Since I favor her a lot, I'll need your, uh... blunt honesty on a dress or two... but maybe more..."
*SIGH* "Yeah, sure. Okay."
I honestly wasn't paying full attention to what she said, but now that I thought about it, it started to become more clear... I could've potentially dug my own grave to be used three weeks from now.
Eh, that'll be future JD's problem, though. Not mine.
"Never thought I'd end up putting myself on my shit list..." I silently murmured to myself before groaning inwardly as Twilight dragged my reluctant (and now dusty) ass across the dirt road with my arms crossed over my chest, and my feet sliding, leaving a small trail behind us.
"Don't worry, AJ! Rainbow Dash! I'll figure something out!" Twilight called back.
*GROWL*
"Geez, Twilight! I can probably hear your stomach from a mile away! You must be very hungry... think we can get some Chineighse Food?" Spike asked hopefully, more than likely trying to go for their "All-You-Can-Eat Dragon's Special" that they have every Wednesday... which ironically happens to be today of all days.
Twilight looked at him confusedly. "What? That wasn't me!"
*GROWL*
"Then who could it be?" He scratched his head in thought before gasping and pointing at me.
Looking at me, Twilight gasped and lifted me up higher once more, realizing now (apparently for the first time) that she was dragging me by my precious, sore ass.
"Oops!" she yelped before lightly chuckling at my predicament... plus the glare that I gave her as I brushed the dirt off of my bohoncus. "Sorry about that..."
I only managed to grunt in return before the three of us (myself even more unwillingly) headed towards the center of town... or more specifically, Carousel Boutique.
"So how does this one make me look?" Twilight asked as she stepped out of the dressing room. I noticed that she's wearing yet another gem-encrusted dress with a bell-bottom look at the lower half.
I shrugged my shoulders before replying with the same word I used for the previous twenty dresses she wore.
"Fat."
She groaned before magicking the dress off of her frame and tossing it at my face... and like the past nineteen times, I managed to catch it before it could land. The first, however, wasn't expected, so I caught it without using my hands.
"I'm being serious, JD! I need to find the perfect dress for my mother before her birthday starts next week! I can't handle dealing with your basic bluntness! I need your full input on the dresses!"
I groaned before standing up from the sofa and pointing at the dresses that were now on the mannequins (or is it ponnequins?). "Fine then, Little Miss Snarkle-Butt! Look at the dresses, and find the similarities!"
She was about to retort to the name I gave her, but the question that needed an answer successfully managed to bring her OCD out of its fragile little shell.
I firmly planted my face into my palm when she rubbed her snout in deep, deep thought. She clearly must've been trying to find something different about the colors so badly, that she didn't even bother to focus on, oh, the big-ass bell-bottom skirts that literally every single dress had.
"Seriously, Twilight?! You can't even-"
"Shh! I'm trying to answer your question!" she complained, causing me to groan and sit back down on the sofa, where Spike was still staring at Rarity like a hypnotized dingbat. I folded my arms and sighed, as I knew this was going to be a loooooooong day...
Long story short, we were sitting there for thirty minutes, with every time I tried to leave being interrupted by Rarity who "kindly" informed me that I "brought this on myself"... and believe it or not, when Twilight left, her mane and tail were in a mess, because she still couldn't find the answer to my question! "AND SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE?!"
Oh, and just for kicks, I decided to pick out the dress with the biggest bottom, and the "worst" color combination of them all... green and orange. Apparently Rarity must've made that dress when she was intoxicated with five gallons of Applejack's "Secret" Cider, because when I picked that dress out, she liked to have had a conniption fit over where I found that dress. My response?
I extracted my revenge on the overdue visit by lying to her and casually shrugging my shoulders. "I found it in the front of the store, as a matter of fact... you know, where all the customers could see it?"
And by the way, word to Princess Luna! That bitch can scream!
Anyways, so now that we were done with the dress shopping, Twilight brought Spike and I to the Town Square. Nothing unusual was going on, as far as I could tell. Ponies were trotting back and forth, chatting with one another, interrupting Twilight's rant about who to give the tickets to, staring at me, and receiving another finger message in response, as well as a few comments questioning who they're looking at.
Just another ordinary day, indeed...
So we finally made it out of the crowd when Twilight was suddenly tackled to the ground by a pink blur. Spike stared blankly at Pinkie Pie while I laughed my ass off once again... winning another apple in the back of the head. "Seriously? Where the Hell is she even FINDING these things?!"
While rubbing the growing pain in the back of my head, I heard the obnoxiously high-pitched voice of Pinkie Pie screaming something about bats on her face, a gasp, then the unfortunately over-hyped response that I dreaded to hear... "TICKETS TO THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!"
"Ah, crap... here we go again..." I muttered before she started singing and dancing about the Grand Galloping Gala being the best place for her. I immediately covered my ears and groaned.
"Oh! Hey, JD! Are you here because of the tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala as well? Or are you here to complain about them? Because I know a pony over there who could more than likely match your level of grumpiness, but at the same time, he could also be a lot more nicer as well, should he-"
A small blow horn honking sound filled the air once I pinched her mouth closed with my left hand's first two fingers and my thumb. Then I brought my right pointing finger over to my lips and shushed her... very very slowly.
We stared at each other, her looking clueless and me looking annoyed, until she nodded her head and mumbled, "Mm-kmmy!" Then I released her snout and pinched the bridge of my nose, now disbelieving the fact that I had to explain the situation to another one of Sparklebutt's friends.
"To answer your question, Pinkie Pie, I'm here because Twinkle-Butt here asked me to call her fat and tell her that she needs to get a new brain." (*Insert apple in back of head remark here...*) I sighed again before correcting myself. "She wanted me to tell her my opinion on a dress that she wanted to give to her mother. I did my part, and was about to go home."
Pinkie raised an eyebrow at me. "But what about the tickets?"
I rolled my eyes. "Just take it if you-" I ducked and managed to dodge Rainbow Dash who, to my annoyance, was now smiling at me with a big, Pinkie-level smile on her face. "Oh, for the love of-"
"HEYA, Buddy!" she immediately called to me before eyeing the ticket that I now forced out of Twilight's magic field. "Word on the grapevine says that you happen to be the one who owns that ticket still!"
I opened my mouth and was about to respond, when the words sunk in. I turned around and noticed that the whole town was staring at me... or rather, the ticket in my hand. With a stone-cold glare, I turned to Rainbow Dash, whose not-so-innocent smile was now formed into a mischievous smirk.
"Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" she asked me.
I was about to open up a can of whoop-ass on her when I heard a random pony shout, "I'll clean up your yard for that ticket!" followed by, "I'll water your garden!", "But he doesn't even have a garden! OOH! I'll plant one and water it for you!"
Suddenly my anger was lost, as another idea came to mind. I smiled mischievously in response, which made Rainbow's immediately falter. "As a matter of fact, yes... payback is a bitch!" I leaned in closer to her and added, "Too bad it's my bitch, though!"
Finally I turned towards the crowd and waved the ticket in the air. "ALRIGHT, EVERYPONY! THE FIRST ONE TO KICK RAINBOW DASH'S ASS GETS A BETTER CHANCE AT WINNING THIS TICKET!"
"WHAT?!" Rainbow Dash's confidence was immediately shot down, as the crowd of ponies in front of me now glared at her with torches, pitchforks, and... pies? Huh... even Rarity joined the angry mob... along with a few others I knew, Applejack, and... Pinkie Pie?!
"Well, duh, silly! I just wanted to be there for the Angry Mob Party, that's all!" 
Oh, shit... she can hear my MONOLOGUE'S thoughts?!
"Yes... is that bad?" 
"Who are you talking to?" 
...
"Hello?" 
"Um... CHARGE!"
Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place... oh, good, they're gone! Anyways...
After Rainbow Dash flew off yet again, and after my skull met another lavender-smoked apple, it was just Twilight, Spike, and I in the marketplace.
"That wasn't very nice, JD!" Twilight complained, shortly before her stomach started to lightly growl. "I have every right to report that one to Princess Celestia if they hurt her!"
I rolled my eyes and stuffed the ticket in my pocket. "Eh, bitch had it coming... and besides that, you owe me."
"Owe you? Owe you for what?!"
I casually shrugged my shoulders before replying, "For treating you both to lunch?"
Then her mouth was shut again. She opened it up to say something else, but appeared to be caught off guard... and damn, was her quitting her yapping worth it, too!
Finally, she was able to speak again. "Wait... what?! You're actually treating us to lunch?!"
I nodded my head and smiled smugly, then crossed my arms and tapped my foot on the ground. "Unless, of course, somepony wishes to say something to Princess Celestia? Y'know... something about me putting her airhead friend back in her place?"
She rubbed her snout again, lost in thought. She glared at me and was more than likely about to disagree, when her stomach answered for her.
Letting out a groan, she deadpanned at me and monotonously mumbled, "I don't know the pony you're referring to..."
I snickered before nodding my head. "Good... probably best you don't know, either." Motioning towards the most expensive-looking cafe in the this town (which is actually just a crappy-looking burger place that actually sells import meats and stuff for griffons, carnivores, as well as several other dishes for omnivores like me... and the only one that provides meat for several miles), I began walking towards the cafe while she and Spike followed me.
She then stopped and eyed me inquisitively. "Wait... isn't your house the other way, though? And this place's prices are outrageously high, too! Just how exactly are you going to buy anything without any bits?!"
I grinned wickedly at her before patting on my pocket. "Who says I was even planning on buying our food? Just watch, and learn..."
We were sitting at the highest-quality table in the cafe... which was right on top of the roof. Five different servants were serving us huge trays of whatever it was we asked for. I was given a hamburger (though they apparently took the word "ham" literally, and used pig instead of cow... but eh, considering the fact that cow is sapient in this land, I let it slide. Besides, meat's still meat, anyways!) with three different layers of bread; wheat, white, and potato in the center. I was also given fries made out of potato, as well... and they asked if they could use that recipe for some of their meals. I kindly told them to do something inappropriate with themselves, and stated that if I find it on the menu one day, I'll report it to Princess Luna. They backed down immediately.
Twilight was given a simple serving of hay fries and a daffodil and daisy sandwich... though I insisted she get normal fries as well. Truth be told, she was thankful... until I took her plate of fries and added it to my own. Then she just bitched about it, and I continued to laugh at her... until a random apple from a nearby table hit me in the head again.
Spike was given a bowl loaded to the brim with sapphires... though I had some external aid in that one. He didn't seem too thrilled about the gems, though, as he was slightly pissed about the way how I "used" Rarity to get him the gems... but after a couple bites, he immediately forgot about the deed.
As I picked up my third plate, I turned to the five who were serving us and grinned wickedly. "So... you five will be willing to do anything for the ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala, you say?"
The five nodded their heads, while the other customers quickly found themselves closer to our table. Damn... whatever it was that was going on at that Gala must've been very valuable to these ponies, huh?
I couldn't help but notice an all-too-familiar cyan mare sneak her way towards me, dressed in a black cloak that covered all of her features, save for her hooves, her tail, and a small bit of her snout.
"You two!" I pointed at the two near the central one (who happened to be the owner of the store) and said, "send her out of the restaurant!"
"Oh, shit!" Rainbow Dash shouted before bolting out of the room, as the two I ordered around began galloping behind her.
I then pointed to the owner and said, "Lower the prices on the store's products by seventy-five percent!"
He immediately ran out of the room with a quill in his mouth.
Finally, I was left with the last two. Remembering something from an old TV show, I couldn't help but tempt fate, and see just how far these ponies would go just to get their hooves on my ticket. "You two! Fight to the death!"
They stared at me like I was insane. The one at my left pointed at the other and complained, "B-but... but he's my brother, though! I can't just kill my own flesh and blood like-" I pulled the ticket out of my pocket, and the two immediately glared at one another. "-Well mother did always love you more, anyways!"
"Like Tartarus she did!" the second one shouted. Then the two immediately started throwing hooves at one another, before turning to the nearby tables for weapons to use.
I'll admit, I didn't even see that one coming. Before long, chaos began to ensue, as the customers either ran out of the store, or stayed to watch the two brothers seek each others' blood... or a golden ticket, at least.
From within the chaos, Twilight, Spike, and I managed to sneak out... though I noticed that Twilight didn't even manage to eat but a single bite of her sandwich before the battle began. Despite me being an asshole and all, I had a feeling I was going to have to get her something later... at least to keep her from snitching at the princesses.
"Whoa... I can't believe everypony's that serious about that ticket!" Spike said, rubbing his stuffed belly and letting out a small belch as we continued through the marketplace.
I chuckled mischievously before eyeing my golden ticket. "Who knows how much we could get just for this-" before I could react, an eagle swooped down and grabbed my ticket.
Spike Vision
I saw JD open his mouth after an eagle just swooped down and stole his ticket... but for some odd reason, Twilight quickly covered my ears. Looking around, I noticed several other mares and stallions were covering their fillies' and colts' ears also. I was tempted to ask Twilight what JD was saying, but the shocked looks on their faces made it clear that I should probably not even go there.
Finally, after about thirty seconds of him ranting, the eagle swept back down and dropped the ticket before flying towards Fluttershy's house, with a worried look on its face, and tears streaming from its eyes.
Afterwards, Twilight released my ears and magically tossed yet another apple on the back of his head. He said something strange that sounds like "ducking", but Twilight covered my ears before I could hear the whole word... though to be fair, ducking would be a wise idea on his part... but I'm kinda liking seeing him get hit in the head... is that bad?
JD Vision
After "kindly" expressing my feelings of theft to that eagle, I found another apple hit my head. I used one final word of humanity before grumbling to myself and picking my ticket back up off the ground, and stuffing it in my pocket.
"JD! That kind of language will not be tolerated!" Twilight complained. I rolled my eyes and pointed at the distant feathered bastard that tried stealing from me.
"The stupid bird stole my ticket, though!"
"That still doesn't give you the right to shout such profanities out in the public! There's a reason why the princesses put a soundproof barrier around your house, you know!" she shouted, before her stomach started grumbling again. "And what's worse, that ticket is getting us in even more trouble than the day you arrived here! Do you have any idea how many fillies are starting to actually use your language in the schools?!"
I lifted three fingers and replied, "So far, only three that I know of... but who cares? Humans started using that language before they even started school!"
Suddenly I realized that I hit a switch that I didn't intend on hitting. She went from typically annoying and crazy psycho-bitch mode to annoyingly curious and questionable science-bitch mode in the blink of an eye.
"Wait, humans start cursing at an early age?! How early is this, exactly?! Maybe that could be vital information on ways to adjust you into the Equestrian culture! Hey, Spike! Can you pass me a quill and a-"
I groaned and tossed her my golden ticket, which she quickly caught with her magic. She then looked at me confused before asking, "Wait, what are you doing?"
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I give up... just give the damn ticket to someone. I'll be going home, now."
And with that, I turned around and headed towards my house again, leaving her speechless.
Twilight Vision
I was at a loss for words. Me? Choose who to give his ticket to?! But I have five friends to decide for, though!
"Um... Twilight?" Spike asked me. I turned to face him, only to notice his eyes staring at the town, surprised and shocked. I turned, and soon found the same fear that he had... everypony was staring at us, now... even Cotton Candy, who was staring at me with his annoying smile.
"You know, Twilight, I could always help you with-"
I quickly blasted him with a magic spell that sent him flying in the air. "Nopony likes you, Cotton! Go away!"
"Aww-" he shouted from the sky, before disappearing in a twinkling light.
"I could help you with your gardening!" one random pony suddenly asked, before several others began spamming me with other questions.
Spike hugged my leg in fear and asked, "W-what are we going to do, Twilight?!"
I looked around in fear, before examining my surrounding area. There was a store that sold Quills and Sofas next to me, but I knew that they were out of quills that I could've used for weapons... like usual. As such, that was out of the question.
Then I turned and saw a joke shop... but I didn't have any bits on me, and it was on the other side of the crowd.
Finally, I turned towards Spike and lightly laughed mischievously.
Before anyone could ask, I levitated him in the air in front of me and aimed his tail towards the crowd.
"What the-" he began, before I glared at the ponies, who all stopped approaching me and stared confusedly.
"Now, don't anypony move! This thing's loaded... I'll let ya have it!"
Immediately they all screamed in terror before turning around and galloping away in a stampede.
I chuckled before placing Spike on the ground again. "Talk about your wins of war!"
Spike rolled his eyes and asked, "Did you really have to quote from that Disneigh Movie, again, Twilight?!"
I deadpanned at him before replying, "Uh, no! I quoted from that Disneigh Movie's sequel, Spike!" Then I rubbed my chin in thought. "Though now that I mention it, I'm surprised that actually worked!"
He nodded and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah... I'd hate to be whoever gets caught up in that mess..."
JD Vision
I finally made it back home. Lifting my hand to the doorknob, I suddenly stopped when I noticed a distant quaking sound from deeper inside the town.
Curious, I turned my head and stared slack-jawed at the approaching storm of ponies who were now headed towards me!
Wasting no time, I turned around and began running as fast as I could, instinctively shouting, "DAMMIT, TWILIGHT!" I knew, right then and there, that I was going to be with her and Spike for a lot longer than I had hoped for...
...and once more, she found her way onto my shit list again!
Twilight Vision
With the crowd out of the way, Spike and I immediately made our way to a different cafe, since I was unable to get anything to eat like JD promised I would! I made a mental note to tell the princesses about his misbehavior again, and then find a way to solve this "Two Tickets, Six Ponies" problem.
We were sitting at a table outside when a waiter passed us our menus. I looked at Spike confusedly and asked, "Didn't you eat already, Spike?"
He shrugged his shoulders before replying, "I got hungry again?"
I sighed before skimming through the menu, and deciding on a Daffodil and Daisy sandwich. Then I proceeded to think about what to do.
"I could just give my ticket away, but then three of my other friends would get pissed at me for not choosing them! And then there's the matter of who to give the tickets to! I'm sure Applejack would use her ticket to advertise for Sweet Apple Acres, despite the nobles specifically hating apples... but then Rainbow Dash would use her ticket to get together with the Wonderbolts to fulfill her life's dream of actually becoming popular... which wouldn't be possible considering how busy they would be over there! Then there's Pinkie Pie, for... whatever the Tartarus she would do over there, which would more than likely end the whole thing early... and Fluttershy? She would probably just go hang out with the animals there, unaware of the fact that they are not domesticated at all, and spend all night trying to do whatever she does to the animals. Rarity would just go flirting with that dickweed Blueblood... so what should I do with the tickets, then?! I can't send them back due to the magical residue on them being highly explosive, as a defense mechanism for duplication spells... but with a life support spell to keep the victim and the ticket safe... and plus, I do want to go to the Gala for a legitimate reason... to hang out with Princess Celestia, and fill her in on my reports so far!"
"Um... have you made your decision, Ma'am?"
I groaned before shouting, "SHUT UP! I'M THINKING!"
"Sheesh, fine then... bitch..." the waiter mumbled before trotting over to Spike, who ordered hay fries, along with my order, as I just wanted to remain silent and smile sheepishly at him.
"Jeez, Twilight! What's got you all moody?" Spike asked, causing me to drop my jaw in disbelief.
"You mean you haven't been paying attention to me ranting just now?!"
He shrugged before replying, "Um... sorry, I lost you at the part about you giving your ticket away. What was that again?"
I groaned before planting my face on the table. "Ugh... never mind." Then I sighed and mumbled to myself, "I bet JD is having the time of his life right now... seriously! Why in the ever-loving Tartarus did he have to give ME the damn ticket, anyways?!"
JD Vision
"WHY IN THE EVER-LOVING HELL DID I GIVE THAT DAMN TICKET TO TWILIGHT, ANYWAYS?!" I shouted as I ran through the stormy weather caused by the Rainbow Shithead.
Apparently words travels fast in this town. Now, she was on a quest for revenge, since I no longer had my golden ticket guarding me. I was far away from my house now, and running back towards it would only make myself an obvious target... plus the stampede of ponies were still behind me, complaining about their fur and manes getting wet.
Then there was also the rainbow colored blur flying around, looking for me. I decided to stick to the shadows and pray to whatever deity owned this world that she wouldn't find me...
...though I'm pretty sure that deity would hate my guts due to how I feel about his or her stupid world. And this stupid rain doesn't make it any better!
Finally, there was a silver lining... or rather, an opening in the sky. A light that majestically appeared, glowing with the sun above the dark clouds that the Rainbow Menace left for the whole town... and it was leading me the way! I ran towards it as quickly as I could... but slowed down when I noticed who it was that beat me to the light... and they were enjoying their victory spoils without me!
Twilight Vision
I sighed in relief as my sandwich finally arrived... though I was a little curious about why they had it served on a silver platter, when it's just a casual-looking restaurant.
I would've asked about it, but the waiter gave me a sour look and just left, muttering something about hoping the rain hits me on the way out.
I lifted the sandwich up to take a bite, when a third visitor appeared and sat on the empty seat to my right. Turning around, I noticed JD... but something was way off about him. He was glaring at me with water dripping from every part of his body.
If he weren't such a dick all the time, I'd actually feel sorry for him... but given the fact that he must've gotten his just desserts, I only sat there and smiled, before hovering his ticket in front of his face.
Reluctantly, he just growled before snatching the ticket from my aura and stuffing his pocket with it. "Damn featherbrained horse up there... who would've thought I'd put her above your name on my shit-list?"
I toned him out while Spike and him started mumbling about something. Now that the ticket was no longer my problem, I looked at the waiter who just randomly appeared from out of nowhere and placed our plates on the table.
"And what can I get for you, sir?" he asked JD.
JD just deadpanned at him and growled, forcing the waiter to recoil back and hurry my plate in front of me. Then he turned and left for the building quickly.
"So... what happened to you, JD?" I asked him.
He looked at me like I had the word "STUPID" written on my face... which I didn't appreciate one bit. Annoyed, I huffed and crossed my forehooves, deadpanning at him as he just continued staring at me.
"Seriously?! You haven't even noticed the freakin' rain, yet?!"
I raised my ears in surprise before echoing, "Rain? What rain? I haven't even noticed a cloud in the-" as I turned around, I just now noticed something odd... it was pouring outside! "-sky?"
I looked up, and immediately noticed Rainbow Dash hovering over a hole in the sky. "Rainbow Dash! Did you move all of these clouds?!"
She was about to reply, when JD looked up at her and pointed his ticket at her. "Not gonna win this ticket if you keep that attitude, ya dumb bitch!"
She then nervously chuckled before replying, "Oh, uh... heeey, new best friend! JD, did you know that that was really funny when you sent that angry mob after me, and-"
"Rainbow Dash, just stop bullshitting him and get to the point!" I complained, slamming my right hoof on the table. Regardless of her being my friend, it just isn't right for her to cover the town in rain like this! "And please, please fix the weather, or I will be forced to write a report to Cloudsdale, telling them where their missing clouds went!"
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, sighed, then grumbled, "Fine..." Then she zipped the opening to the clouds shut that was directly overhead.
"Finally! Now I can just eat this sandwich, relax on this hay bale, and then enjoy this day like there's nothing to worry a-"
I spoke too soon before the rain from above started soaking the three of us. Spike wasn't fazed by it, and JD was glaring at me, once more pissed off at something I didn't even do. Me, however? I stared at my sandwich, which was now far from edible, due to water damage.
Tears were shed amongst the rain, as I just wanted to eat a bucking sandwich... or something, at least! But nope, there's just too many things that kept me from eating!
"Twilight!" Rarity called out from behind me. "It's raining!"
"No... bucking... shit..." I grumbled beneath my breath, silent enough to where only I could hear it.
It was then that I found an aura levitating over my whole body, and I was dragged out of the hay bale, along with Spike. JD, being naturally immune to magic, just stood up and followed us.
JD Vision
I stood inside the all-too-familiar "Body Drier" for five minutes, allowing the magically enhanced warm air to cover my damp clothes to dry them on me, while Rarity tended to Twilight and Spike in... you guessed it... fashion stuff. Instead of tailoring a dress for Mrs. Velvet, though, she decided to start tailoring one for Twilight... and even Spike was given an outfit... but I immediately felt his pain upon witnessing it.
In as blunt a statement as I could muster up, he just looked pure, Grade-A retarded.
I saw a similar suit floating next to me, and noticed she was giving me that "I am going to humiliate you for life" look.
This made me glare at her and kindly say, "You so much as touch me with that suit, and I'll slaughter your family, then use their hides for my Door Mat." That made her recoil back and go back to Twilight and Spike... while I received another apple on the head, and a hiss with a pissed off look from the Blonde Musketeer, Spike.
"Anyways, dahling! About that ticket that you received from JD?" Rarity asked Twilight.
Twilight raised an eyebrow at her. "Um... JD has the ticket again."
This made Rarity freeze in place. Then she coughed and stared at her right hoof. "Well, look at the time! It looks like the rain has stopped, so perhaps you had to head somewhere, Twilight?" Rarity asked, much to Twilight's confusion.
"Um... Rarity, it's still raining out-" before she could finish her sentence, she was immediately thrown out the door, much to my amusement. Then, when she looked at me, my laughter ceased.
"So, JD! Did anypony ever tell you how handsome you look in that outfit of yours?"
"Um..."
"But I am rather curious why you wear it all the time... perhaps I could help tailor a new outfit for you?" She then levitated measuring tape in front of me. "Of course, I'll need to take measurements, first."
Needless to say, I found the rain very comforting in comparison to what was about to happen. I may have to work on paying her back for the broken window, though...
Twilight, Spike, and I decided we would just head back to my place for now, since it was the closest. If we were going to get rid of this stupid ticket of mine, we would have to do a lot of discomforting studies... among other crap.
At least the rain stopped, though. Apparently, Cloudsdale did schedule a small shower to take place in Ponyville all day... but somepony must've tampered with the amount of clouds used, and put way too many. As a result, they had to halt it to half a day.
If only they knew who that pony was that tampered with the weather... Rainbow Dash...
"So... any ideas yet, Sparks?" I asked, pulling a stray glass shard out of my jacket and tossing it on the ground carelessly.
"No, JD... still thinking." she grumbled.
Before we could even react, a pair of pink hooves stretched out and grabbed Twilight, then pulled her into what looked like a black hole in the ground. When I saw the hole disappear, I heard cheering in the distance. Looking forward again, I immediately saw Pinkie and a group of ponies tossing Twilight in the air and catching her, with Pinkie singing some weird song about her getting the ticket from Twilight.
Seriously? They learn that she has the ticket in the matter of seconds, but still don't realize I have it back in the matter of hours?! What the Hell, Ponyville?!
She then decided to scream Pinkie's name in a long, dramatic stretch, with voice wavelengths strong enough to keep her levitating until she stopped. Then she fell on the ground head-first, and stood back up to brush the dirt out of her face. And damn, did that look like it hurt, too! I'll admit, Twilight may be annoying, but she sure can take a hit surprisingly well...
"Pinkie Pie! At least everypony else didn't toss me around like a ragdoll! Now go on, shoo!"
"Aww..." Pinkie mumbled, saddened by her lack of ticket.
Suddenly Cotton Candy landed right next to her, face-first, out of the sky. As for how he got up there, I haven't the slightest clue... nor the slightest care in the world.
"You know, I could also-" Before he could finish his sentence, Pinkie pulled a cannon out of her mane and sent him flying into the sky with a burst of confetti.
"NOPONY LIKES YOU, COTTON! GO AWAY!" Pinkie shouted with an annoyed expression on her face, before smiling and turning to Twilight again, and stuffing the cannon back into her mane. I was about to question it, but decided against it... I wasn't in the mood for a headache-induced coma just yet.
"Aww..." I heard Cotton call out before vanishing into the horizon.
Twilight groaned before trotting up to me. She then glared at the town's ponies and cleared her throat. "You know what?! I've had it! This is just getting way too out of hoof! If you want my ticket, then you can all go buck yourselves! If you want JD's ticket, then you can all go buck yourselves! I'm going to need time to figure out what to do with these tickets, but apparently, it's just too much for anypony to even bother having at this point! Hay, even I don't want to go now, since these damn tickets have brought nothing but trouble!"
The town immediately left with mixed expressions, ranging from annoyance to sorrow, and little hints of sadness. All that were left were her friends, who had sorrowful expressions on their faces.
"WELL?!" she asked them angrily.
"Twi... Ah'm sorry that Ah've been naggin' y'all about that ticket. Ah'll stop, if'n it bothers y'all so much." Applejack said, removing her stetson and placing it on her chest.
The others nodded their heads in agreement, while Fluttershy flew beside her and looked sorrowfully at her.
"Twilight, I know you didn't make it home yet, but my animal friends and I cleaned up the inside of your house for you... but if it bothers you that we did it for the ticket, we could always mess it back up for you."
"Or you could just keep it the way it is now, and say you did it out of kindness?" Spike asked, clearly worried about what he would have to do, as opposed to nothing when his chores were just done for him.
"Oh... I guess that could work, too." she mumbled.
"I'm sorry, Twilight... it's not fun when a party pisses somepony off like that!" Pinkie said, giving Twilight a friendly hug.
"It was unprofessional of me to try winning that ticket from you... and tossing you out the door." Then she turned towards me and smiled. "By the way, JD! I still haven't measured you, yet!" She then levitated the tape in front of me. I lifted my middle finger towards her as a response, causing her to tilt her head in confusion. "Whatever does that mean, dahling?"
"It doesn't concern you." I replied. Regardless, though, it appeared Twilight felt better at the basic heartwarming moment.
She smiled and looked at her friends. "Thank you, girls... that means a lot to me."
Despite the corniness of the whole situation, I actually couldn't help but break out a small smile.
But then Rainbow Dash had to ruin it. "YES! THAT MEANS I GET BOTH TICKETS, BITCHES!"
She finally struck my last nerve. I walked up to Twilight and grabbed her ticket from her magical grasp. "You know what?! Screw this day, screw you all, and screw these tickets! I'm gonna go in my house, and I'm gonna do what I should've done from the start!" And with that, I stomped inside my house, completely ignoring Twilight's hesitant and worried calls for me to wait. She said something about magic and the tickets, but I didn't give a shit and slammed the door, locking it behind me.
Twilight Vision
I immediately started calling for JD to not do what I thought he was going to do, but his hardheadedness was too strong. I looked up at his roof and waited for a sign.
"Twilight? Uh... what's he doing?" Spike hesitantly asked.
I squinted my eyes as I looked at his chimney. Then, my eyes immediately shot open when I saw smoke rising up from within.
"EVERYPONY DOWN!" I shouted, causing my friends, Spike, and myself to crouch onto the ground and tuck our heads below our forelegs (and forearms for Spike).
Immediately afterwards, the entire house was engulfed in a massive explosion, with the top portion of it floating up in the shape of a mushroom. Out of the corner of my eye, Pinkie Pie pulled a stick and a marshmallow out of nowhere and smiled as the marshmallow caught on fire.
It took about a minute, but eventually the environmental magic started to kick in, and cleared the dust away in an instant.
To my surprise, his front door was still standing, and completely unharmed. Everything else, however, was smoldering ash and pitch black dust on the ground.
And there, with his right hand outstretched, was JD. In front of him was the remnants of his fireplace, with the two golden tickets lying on the ground.
JD's entire body was covered in ash, save for his widened eyes that stared at the tickets in disbelief. His hair was also blown back, and his breath emitted black smoke from his nostrils and mouth.
He appeared to be completely traumatized about just now witnessing an explosion up close... very close.
Reader Vision
As the ponies gathered around the remnants of the house, Spike gripped onto his stomach and belched out a letter. He then turned towards Twilight, who looked at it curiously.
My Most Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle,
I must apologize, as that letter that you received earlier was automated, and not a personal one. I have attached this letter with six more tickets for your other friends and Spike, also. After all, one must always remember to count their blessings, and should those blessings be more than what one's friends have, then sometimes it's best to ignore those blessings, and make better ones with your friends as well... and plus, they don't have a Drake Assistant to deliver the tickets to them, so I kinda-sorta have to find a way to arrange that... perhaps by asking Spike to deliver the tickets to them? 
Your Proud Teacher and Ruler,
Princess Celestia
P.S. - Please tell JD not to burn his ticket. Luna forgot to tell him of the consequences in HER letter.
Twilight then levitated the attached tickets and eyed them curiously. "Huh... I guess we didn't have to worry about the tickets after all! Princess Celestia just needed to find a way to deliver them to you girls!"
Her friends stared at the tickets in disbelief before immediately giggling like schoolgirls and grabbing the tickets greedily. "YES! THANK YOU, PRINCESS!"
All of a sudden, Twilight's stomach started growling again. Rarity looked at her and smiled. "You know what? What's say we head on over to Sugarcube Corner, and treat Twilight? Perhaps as a way to thank her for trying to find a way to help us in our ticket-related needs?"
Her friends and Spike all nodded their heads, then proceeded towards Sugarcube Corner.
JD, however, just stood there like a statue, unable to comprehend a single thing that just happened.
"Oh! I almost forgot!" Twilight stated before running up to JD and levitating her ticket off the floor. "Okay, got it! Coming, girls!"
And with that, she left.
Finally, a sudden flash of magic appeared in front of JD's front door. Out of that flash, Princess Luna appeared, carrying a worried expression on her face.
"Oh, dear! We hope We are not too late!" She knocked on the door, ignoring the lack of a wall attached to it, and then opened it without even noticing. "JD! We forgot to warn... thee... about... oh..." She looked up at the clear afternoon sky and smiled sheepishly. "Ah... well, it would seem that thou just couldn't stand Twilight's predicament, as this level of an explosion would require two tickets to be burnt... very noble and thoughtful of thee! Mayhaps thou art actually learning after all, JD! Well done!"
JD just remained silent, and was still staring at the ticket on the floor. Luna quickly levitated the ticket and placed it in his hand, which instinctively gripped it. He still remained speechless, though.
Luna brushed around uneasily, until an idea came across her mind. "AHA! We do believe that Twilight has a spare bedroom! Mayhaps thou could consider living with her for now? At least until the town has another spare building, though, as this current location shall have to be quarantined, due to the levels of radiation surrounding it... but anyways, We must head back to the Throne Room, and swap places with Tia, now." With that, she turned around, opened the door, and stepped past the frame. Then, ever-so-gently, she closed it, and vanished in another spell.
The force from the spell caused the door and its frame to fall to the ground.
JD was unresponsive to the world for another long moment, as his thoughts were on the ticket in his hand.
Then, his eyes formed a glare.
The smoke and ashes fell from his angrily glowing red face.
His grip on the ticket was so strong, his hand was starting to shake.
He lifted the ticket in the air, and with the wrath of a thousand humans, he yelled and slammed the ticket on the ground.
"MOTHERFU-"
END
