I live in a dream.
A bent reality, conjured up by the mayhem of a mind, the entropy of an imagination.
The dream is not Twilight Sparkle's. It is not Fluttershy's, nor Applejack's, nor Rainbow Dash's.
It isn't even Rarity or Pinkie Pie's.
At least, not the dream of the mares I used to think of upon hearing those names. The mares they are now still go by those titles, though that's not who they are, not anymore.
I used to be Twilight Sparkle. I still am, in some ways: I have her form, her memories, her mind.
But I am not her.
I don't feel the things I used to. I rarely feel anything at all, really. I don't know why, I don't know how. Emotion just doesn't connect with my brain in the way it use to, as I have my own little world inside of there: a dreamt world within a dreamt world.
Even when I'm awake, I'm lost in the busy thoughts of my mind, barely registering the disorderly activity surrounding me. My reactions to direct attention are automatic, generic, as are my responses of speech.
Not that many speak to me nowadays anyway. The main four that do are Discord, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Myself. I don't know if the fourth really counts if I don't feel as if I exist anymore. I feel dead, inside and out, despite the bitter truth that I am living, living, living.
I scarcely utter a word in return. Being a slave to The Lord of Chaos intimidates one into muting one's vocal chords. Of course, I'm not just Discord's slave, as he married what used to be Fluttershy a month or so ago.
She's his Queen of Chaos.
I use the word 'his' because that's what she is: his. Not in the loving way married couples are supposed to be, but as a possession. Whether she likes it or not, she has to be nice to him, to be the loving housewife of his ever-changing castle. Forcing her to involuntarily become what she isn't: kind.
Rarity has been crowned Princess of Chaos. If she wanted something these days, she'd whine to her alleged father and he'd grant her wish. She was filthy rich but never satisfied, as she wouldn't ever be allowed the level of power Discord and Fluttershy had. Taunting her with the main thing she desired, but never giving it to her.
One of the most repulsively disheartening things he had done, however, was make Pinkie Pie the Court Jester. Unlike Rarity and Fluttershy, who eagerly accepted the offer of royal positions, Pinkie had been forced into it. Needless to say, she wasn't the best jester nor the best company, but she literally couldn't leave the castle grounds. Every time she tries, Fluttershy bucks her in the face.
I can't count the times I've been physically abused myself. The monster Fluttershy's turned into is almost as terrifying as Discord, to say the least. Often, it's when I unintentionally walk in on them making out, or if I accidentally snap a remark at them. But most of the time it's just because she's bored.
I know they aren't in love. Sure, they're married, share a bed and kiss one another - uncomfortably often -, but it's just a game their playing, taking turns to seduce one another. I'm half-expecting her to announce she's pregnant any day now, and I dread to think what sort of monstrosity they'd have conceived. I'm just grateful that I'm not required to work at night. I could say that it's painful to watch one of my former best friends trap herself in this repulsive marriage, but I cant, because it wouldn't be true.
It might end. It might not.
But either way it's disgusting.
I keep on wondering what would've happened, had I somehow defeated Discord. Maybe I could've continued my life as it was: normal, exciting, loving, wonderful. I have a niggling suspicion that I would've been able to if I had returned to Golden Oaks sooner instead of sulking on a cotton-candy cloud for half an hour.
When I eventually did return, Spike was there. He was lying motionless against my bed, colour and life drained from his scales.
Seeing his dead body had the last real emotional impact I can remember properly. After examining his body - which took extraordinarily long, as my magic had decided it didn't like me anymore -, I discovered that he had been in the process of burping up a letter from the Princess, but I suspect Discord had ceased the magical transference halfway through, thus halting the surge of magical fire in his throat and choking him.
Soon afterwards, both Fluttershy and Rarity raided my library, stripping it bare of contents right before my eyes. That's when I first noticed that I didn't care. I already knew I had given up, but I didn't give a pegasus' feather that my library, my home was being burgled, and by two of what were my best friends at that.
I buried his dissected body in a hole in Sweet Apple Acres, the only place in the Chaos Capital of the World where dirt and grass remained as the ground, albeit simply because Big Macintosh had been reduced to the mindset of a mole and wouldn't have anywhere to dig otherwise.
The barn is deserted. All the livestock have either left or been transformed into a disproportionate oddity. I've no idea where Granny Smith or Applejack are. Apple Bloom and the Crusaders are servants to Discord, Fluttershy and Rarity.
Rainbow Dash appears occasionally. Her cloud that she imagined was Cloudsdale was eventually turned to cotton candy, initially confusing the pegasus profusely, but she then realised she didn't care and moved on. She stumbled back into Discordlyland by pure fluke, and she remembered me, in a way.
"Twilight," she had said.
"Rainbow Dash," I had replied, not bothered to pretend I was happy to see her.
"Nice town you got here," she had snorted. "It reminds me of why I left, y'know? Cuz all this," she had waved a hoof carelessly, "is because Ponyville is - or was - so weak it was just begging to be turned into the centre of chaotic attention." Her odd nostalgic reminder of what this all was - my fault - had been accented with a cocky, uncaring smile as she had flown off, my eyes following her movement for as long as I wanted.
Which wasn't very long, as I didn't care about her.
She keeps switching sides, sometimes doing Discord's bidding, sometimes acting against him. Always, it was because she wanted to. She wasn't faithful to either side, but I guess she prefers Discord's, as that's more fun. Or maybe acting against him is; I can't be bothered to figure out which anymore.
When she's my ally, she's alright company. She's the most unchanged of all of us in terms of personality, only now her loyalty lies nowhere but in herself, which didn't make her seem all that different.
I could consider her as my best friend, if I deemed it necessary. Her presence rouses the dormant memories of Twilight Sparkle that I have, the echo of a forgotten friendship accompanying them.
But they're just a reminder of how much I don't care. I have never cared for anyone. That was Twilight's job. Her torturing memories of happiness and laughter are constantly there, ridiculing how I lost faith.
I know it's my fault. I've acknowledged and accepted that the downfall of Equestria was my doing. I'm aware that my family and Princesses might not have died if I hadn't given up, that maybe, just maybe, my life wouldn't have reduced itself to this, and I would still be Twilight Sparkle.
But it isn't.
And I
Don't
Care.
Author's Note
Oh God, this is short!
And yes; Discordlyland WAS a parody of Disneyland. The irony, oh the irony of it all.
