Prologue: Well, Now Who's Gonna Be My WMD?
Celestia sat in her room, overlooking a beautiful day.
"I wonder how Twilight's doing?" she asked. "Moving to Ponyville tomorrow must be hard for her."
She took out a quill and parchment. "I suppose I should check up on her. Sending somepony away can be a bit sudden."
My Dearest Student:
How are you doing? I apologize for such short notice, but I hope you aren't too shaken up about moving to Ponyville. I know it can be a difficult change, so if you have any concerns, feel free to talk. My doors are always open to you, my little pony.
Celestia
Just five minutes after sending the letter, she received a reply.
"Goodness!" she said, unrolling the letter. "Twilight must have a lot on her mind. I hope she's not too shaken--"
Princess! 'Sup?
Yeah, so I'm at this awesome party with Moon Dancer right now. We've been doing it since a few days ago. I dunno; time kinda flows weird after the ninth mug. Anywhatsit, I'm not gonna be going to Ponyville. Moon knows a guy who knows a mare whose cousin knows this other guy who once sat on a chair next to this guy who knows another guy who knows Photo Finish, and he's gonna make me famous! Famous people have lots of friends, so I'll still send friendship reports to you, just like you asked me to, so no worries, Sunny Side Up! also, forget the whole Nightmare Moon thing. I was kinda insane back then.
Oops, gotta go, Thunderstruck's wearing a saddle and I want in on it.
C U L8R
Twi Sparks
P.S. Don't tell anypony, but the Royal Archives no longer has an Astronomy and Outer Space wing.
I blame cider's uncanny flammability.
Celestia put down the letter.
"Well, buck."
"So, you called of the nightmare moon attack...why?" asked Luna.
Celestia sighed. "Twilight's no longer a lonely, psychotic study slave. My plans for her are down the royal Canterlot toilet."
"Ooh, and I used that after having beans..." said Luna. "That bad, huh?"
"You have no idea! I spent a month preparing an ethereal plane where I'd show her little TV screens of her life, then give her wings and turn her into Equestria's version of the hydrogen bomb, the difference being that she's reusable! how can I get Sombra back for stealing my cake now?! And ;et's not forget Chrysalis, that big bug was always just so annoying back in Canterlot high, always hogging the locker room and whipping me with her towel..."
"Calm down, sister," said Luna. "Just find some power-hungry, desperate mare with a little bit of magic, make her your student, and I'll pretend to be defeated by her, just like we planned. With luck, maybe she'll even end up loving you sexually, just like ol' Twi did."
"That's a good idea, but I've got a better one," said Celestia. "I'll find some power-hungry, desperate mare, make her my student, and you'll pretend to be defeated by her, just like we planned. With luck, she'll even end up loving me sexually, just like Twilight did."
"Yeah, I have no idea what I was thinking, that plan's way better. To the Royal Canterlot Birth Records!"
