My Little Pony: Friendship is Great and Powerful

by Vocal Chord

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random
Length: 546

A "What If..." scenario. Twilight never makes it to Ponyville, so somepony else has to be the element of Magic. And there's only one other unicorn with all the qualifications...

As we all know, without Twilight sparkle, we wouldn't have a show.
Nightmare Moon wouldn't be defeated, the Mane Six would never meet, and Equestria as we know it would lapse into a Soviet nightmare ruled by Nightmare Moon, where sunlight gets up to twelve dollars a sunbeam and anyone not wearing their I:heart:NMM arm band is thrown into King Sombra's crystal mines for all eternity.
So, for the sake of progressing the plot, let's get rid of Twi and replace her with the most incompetent blot of a pony that ever lived, shall we?
(Tagged [Trixie] + [Other] due to the sheer number of characters in this [spoiler]bucking[/spoiler] show.)
(Rated Teen for a bit of sex, cider, and general teen stuff like that. Especially innuendos.)
(THIS IS HEAVILY W.I.P. Just letting you know.)

Suggested by Axel Nyan, whose prompt was "what if?"
P2U (Props To you), Nyan.
The Nyan Cat would be proud…*happy cry*…

Hope you guys enjoy learning what would happen if the fate of Equestria rested in the least qualified hooves possible!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-13 22:35:48 UTC

Prologue: Well, Now Who's Gonna Be My WMD?

Celestia sat in her room, overlooking a beautiful day.

"I wonder how Twilight's doing?" she asked. "Moving to Ponyville tomorrow must be hard for her."

She took out a quill and parchment. "I suppose I should check up on her. Sending somepony away can be a bit sudden."

My Dearest Student:

How are you doing? I apologize for such short notice, but I hope you aren't too shaken up about moving to Ponyville. I know it can be a difficult change, so if you have any concerns, feel free to talk. My doors are always open to you, my little pony.

Celestia

Just five minutes after sending the letter, she received a reply.

"Goodness!" she said, unrolling the letter. "Twilight must have a lot on her mind. I hope she's not too shaken--"

Princess! 'Sup?

Yeah, so I'm at this awesome party with Moon Dancer right now. We've been doing it since a few days ago. I dunno; time kinda flows weird after the ninth mug. Anywhatsit, I'm not gonna be going to Ponyville. Moon knows a guy who knows a mare whose cousin knows this other guy who once sat on a chair next to this guy who knows another guy who knows Photo Finish, and he's gonna make me famous! Famous people have lots of friends, so I'll still send friendship reports to you, just like you asked me to, so no worries, Sunny Side Up! also, forget the whole Nightmare Moon thing. I was kinda insane back then.

Oops, gotta go, Thunderstruck's wearing a saddle and I want in on it.

C U L8R

Twi Sparks

P.S. Don't tell anypony, but the Royal Archives no longer has an Astronomy and Outer Space wing.

I blame cider's uncanny flammability.

Celestia put down the letter.

"Well, buck."

"So, you called of the nightmare moon attack...why?" asked Luna.

Celestia sighed. "Twilight's no longer a lonely, psychotic study slave. My plans for her are down the royal Canterlot toilet."

"Ooh, and I used that after having beans..." said Luna. "That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea! I spent a month preparing an ethereal plane where I'd show her little TV screens of her life, then give her wings and turn her into Equestria's version of the hydrogen bomb, the difference being that she's reusable! how can I get Sombra back for stealing my cake now?! And ;et's not forget Chrysalis, that big bug was always just so annoying back in Canterlot high, always hogging the locker room and whipping me with her towel..."

"Calm down, sister," said Luna. "Just find some power-hungry, desperate mare with a little bit of magic, make her your student, and I'll pretend to be defeated by her, just like we planned. With luck, maybe she'll even end up loving you sexually, just like ol' Twi did."

"That's a good idea, but I've got a better one," said Celestia. "I'll find some power-hungry, desperate mare, make her my student, and you'll pretend to be defeated by her, just like we planned. With luck, she'll even end up loving me sexually, just like Twilight did."

"Yeah, I have no idea what I was thinking, that plan's way better. To the Royal Canterlot Birth Records!"