"I'm pancake." - Princess Twilight Sparkle.
You heard it here first folks, straight from the horse's mouth, excuse the expression! The so called Twilight Sparkle, so called Princess of Friendship, admitted a few days ago that she was a pancake! Now, all you ingenious readers out there are bound to be wondering about the implications of this statement. Well, fear not! For I, head writer for the Ponyville Confidential, shall tell all!
Let us look first at what this tells us about Twilight, dear readers: She has clearly admitted to being a pancake. However, I dug deeper than those foals over at the Ponyville Inquisitor who were foolish enough to think that it meant she was a mass of living pancake batter. I, on the other hoof, realize this could mean but one thing! That she is secretly an alien pancake, sent for some twisted reason to our humble town of Ponyville, insidiously pretending to be one of us!
Now, as to why she is pretending to be one of us common ponies, instead of revealing herself as the evil pancake alien that she is, I have a few theories. However, to keep up to the standards of this prestigious magazine... I shall not reveal them. However! I shall say this: She is in no way going to suck my brain out and turn me into a pancake zombie, doing her evil alien pancake bidding!
Now, Ponyville Confidential requires us reporters to provide evidence, unlike those foolish foals over at the Inquisitor. Being the head reporter that I am, I took it upon myself to interview the alien herself! Unless pancake aliens don't have genders... anyways, after a long walk to her insidious fortress of evil pancake alien planning, otherwise known as her castle, I managed to get to see her dragon, called Spike, if my informant is correct.. And now for your reading pleasure, I shall provide my interview with Spike:
Me, "So... you're Spike, right?"
Spike, "That's my name! And who are you?"
Me, "That's of no importance now. Now, where's your evil alien pancake master, the so-called Twilight Sparkle?"
After this, the dragon stared at me for a few moments, with a blank look upon his face. Finally, he replied, "My FRIEND Twilight is currently out book shopping. She's not my master, and none of those other things."
Me, "So you don't believe she's an evil pancake alien?"
Spike, "... Dude, I've lived with her ever since I was a baby. She was the one who hatched me! Don't you think that I'd know if she was... whatever you said?"
Me, "Hmph. You have a point... unless she's been using her evil pancake magic on you to confuse your memories! Or worse yet, you're actually in league with her!" Here I gasped, as I realized the truth. "Or even worse... you ARE an evil pancake alien as well!"
This having dawned upon me, I promptly ended the interview, and ran off.
So there you have it, folks! Evidence straight from the pancake alien disguised as Spike himself, that our beloved Princess is actually an evil pancake alien! Now, even knowing how incriminating this evidence is, I went beyond the call of duty, and decided to bravely face the insipid alien herself!
Now, do not fear dear readers, I, the intrepid reporter, returned unharmed. After I bravely departed from the castle, I wandered around from bookstore to bookstore , looking for the disguised alien everywhere I went. Eventually, I bumped into her, and started my interview, faithfully reproduced here, for the truth!
Me, "Hello. I don't suppose you happen to be Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship by any chance?"
Twilight, "Well, I am the Princess of Friendship, but please, call me Twilight Sparkle."
Me, "Ah, so you are Twilight! Let's dispense with the formalities, and get straight to why I found you here." Here, she had a confused look on her face, clearly not expecting me to know about her pancake heritage. "Are you, or are you not, secretly an evil pancake alien, looking for an opportunity to destroy the Equestrian government and populace?"
Twilight, "... What?"
Me, "Ah ha! I knew it! You failed to deny it, so it must be true!" Having gotten the truth, I ran off again, so that I wouldn't be influenced by her evil pancake alien magic.
So, my wonderful readers... you see that I have an overwhelming amount of proof that Twilight Sparkle, if that's even her real name, is actually an evil alien pancake who is planning on ruling over us all, using her evil pancake magical powers!
Now, I am sure that some of you, most likely from the Ponyville Inquisitor, are not going to believe me even in the face of all this overwhelming evidence. Well, thankfully for you, I decided to interview her friends, and see what they knew of her evil alien pancake schemes. Well I tried to, anyways.
Applejack, you know, the farmer... didn't take too well to my questions. Suffice it to say, I bare these bruises with pride, for I have received them in the line of duty!
Next, I tried to track down Rainbow Dash. I got, in order: rained on, struck by lightening, snowed on, and had hail fall upon me. After that fiasco, I decided to change my approach from, "What do you know of the foul fiend Twilight Sparkle's evil alien pancake schemes?" to, "Hello! Can I have a minute for an interview?"
I decided to try this approach on Rarity. It was going well... until I accidentally stood on the tail of her cat. I bare these scars with shame, for I took too long in asking my questions.
I skipped over Fluttershy for, shall we say, personal reasons? Which left only Pinkamena Diane Pie. And with a name like that, I was convinced she was an alien pie, but not evil. Deciding to act upon this, I tried to track her down. This being Pinkie Pie, however, I did not have much luck. Fortunately, I bumped into her, just as I gave up hope of ever finding that mysterious mare of mystery! Unfortunately, she saw through my cunning disguise, and recognized me. Apparently by this time, she had been warned about some reporter asking about aliens, and was scared off.
So there you have it folks! Twilight Sparkle, evil alien pancake, her dragon Spike a pancake just like her, Pinkie Pie probably a pie, her other friends clouded by evil pancake magic, and I, your faithful reporter, battered, bruised, but happy! Remember, the truth is out there, and we here at the Ponyville Confidential are determined to find it!
Twilight Sparkle put down the newspaper, her mouth agape. "Wait... hold on... Distant... Chords? DisChords? DISCORD!" Her yell echoed around the castle, as the gleeful laugh of the draconequus himself rebounded from the castle walls.
