Labeling Theory

The Empress of the Night Stormed down the hallway, catching fire to the occasional curtain in her blind fury. Guards scattered in her wake, fearful that if they got in her way she may not find them worthy of living. The moon burned like a silver inferno in the sky, blinding most any pony that dare gaze at it. The blue fire in her eyes seemed to scorch any she gazed at. It wasn't wise to invoke the ire of an Immortal. The mare would turn anypony's bones to ash at that moment. Celestia was in her throne room, relaxing on her golden seat. Luna was out to change that.

Luna threw open the doors to the throne room, sending a colossal bang throughout the entire castle and startling the Sun princess. The Empress of the Night appeared in front of her sister, staring her down with pure unspent anger.

"Hello sister." Celestia chirped sweetly.

"Don't 'Hello Sister' me! I know that you're getting a new servant! You never asked me if I wanted one! Cadence either!"

"Oh, I apologize. Did you want one as well?"

"Yes! What sort of princess are you?!"

"A fair one, by my dearest ponies' standards."

Luna's nostrils flared, her eyes stabbing into Celestia's like knives. The latter looked up at her younger sister and gave her a sickly sweet smile. Luna's eye gave a madly irate twitch.

"I'll be there today when you pick one. I'll tell Cadence about this as well."

And so she was, the Empress of the Night sat on her silver throne that evening, staring down at the entire congregation before her with contempt. Half of those stallions were spineless, pathetic, soft, over pampered and overall useless to her. None even remotely caught the alicorn's eye. To her it was like a room full of cattle, and she had half a mind to lead it to the slaughter. Celestia, on the other hoof, was flabbergasted. This was madness; stallions were lined up out the throne room doors to apply for the job. It was confusing, to say the least, half were just drop dead gorgeous, but the others, well, the princess would politely turn them down. The sun Princess was looking for a pony she could control, not some hulking, massive beast that waddled about, burdened by its own muscle.

Luna turned to her sister and asked. "Should I go first, or should you?"

It didn't even take a second. "You first."

The Night Empress cleared her throat, a cute, almost petite sound that was just adorable to the ear. But the voice that followed was anything but cute or adorable.

"Listen!" Luna roared in her Royal voice. "All of you are to form a line and enter this throne room one at a time, lest you be turned into the guards and thrown out onto the streets!"

It didn't take long for the massive crowd to clear the room, leaving one dreamy-eyed blue unicorn to confront the Empress. The tall, overall dashing young stallion was enough to make most mares weak in the knees, but Luna was a far different story. The Empress stared him down with the gaze of pure malice, cold hatred that stabbed through his misty-eyed expression in a heartbeat. He was weak, completely unfit to do anything. That stallion had been doted upon his entire life, and Luna could tell.

"Leave."

"Huh? But you didn't even-"

"I ORDERED YOU TO LEAVE!"

The unicorn nearly stumbled and fell in his dash out the doors, letting the next stallion come in.

Luna just snarled and tilted her head up to stare him down from the bridge of her nose. This was going to be a long, hectic day.

Six hours later…

The Moon burned in the sky like a silver torch, casting it's pale light down into the throne room. Luna scowled fiercely at the last available stallion. Most of the others had left, tired of standing all day and night long. What was so impressive about him? If she turned every other available stallion this side of her kingdom, then what was this pathetic speck of meat before her? This figure stood before the Empress, his cowl drawn around his face. Even though he wore a hood his sanguine eyes sparked and leered at the alicorn sisters. A huge axe was tied to his back, wrapped in rags stained from his journeys.

The smell of rot and decay followed him. Luna masked her own dark activities, while this stranger didn't even bother. He was completely at peace with what he was. His legs were scarred from many intense battles and the sleek frame bespoke a lithe, animalistic power. His horn was red, but it looked as if the bone was stained that way, as if he had plunged it into something living and let blood flow down it. Luna's interest was piqued; this was just the pony she wanted.

"State your name and lower thy hood." She commanded.

The stranger did, much to the joy of the Night Empress. He was about her height, with a blood red mane and long legs the color of polished slate. He was what was the Empress wanted to see; an able bodied, sturdy servant who looked almost as menacing as he sounded. A jagged mark ran from the stallion's right eye to his lower left cheek; the bridge of his nose had a small chunk out of it where the bone used to lay. He opened his mouth to speak and the sisters could have sworn they saw a bit of blood run down from his bottom lip. His voice echoed with the long past lives of those dead at his hooves, as well as the bloody axe had possessed strapped to his back. When he spoke it sent a chill wind over the lifeless tundra of Luna's heart, gaining a smile as she continued to observe this creature of the night.

"Inferno Spark, Madame."

"You have quite the Cutie Mark, Spark." She pondered, looking at him from the side.

"Indeed. I was gifted in the art of pyromancy, the ability to manipulate flames."

Luna felt her stone dead heart beat faster at those words. He was a unicorn that possessed elemental ability, a rare, nearly legendary occurrence. She knew that she had to have him. He spoke like he had killed before, that solemn creak at the end of his sentences declared it. The Empress knew what she wanted, like a seasoned collector, and she wanted him.

"May I ask if you are married, Spark?"

"I killed my last wife."

Her grin only grew broader. "Do you have a place of residence?"

"My house was destroyed in the same fire that forced me to kill my wife, she was pinned under a pillar and she was being split in half. I ended it for her."

The Night Empress was smiling ear to ear. Was it possible the she had found a pony who's heart had become as much of a chip of ice as her own? He spoke in a dead monotone, a mask for the wasteland that made up the stallion's soul. This was the perfect little mortal for her.

"You're hired. Grab your things and meet me at my quarters, Inferno Spark."

Celestia was shocked at her sister; she was honestly going to let the pony that killed his own wife sleep a floor below her every night? As soon as the thought appeared, she threw it away. Luna wasn't little LuLu anymore, she could handle herself. Luna looked from her newly appointed servant back to her sister. She wanted to see who would be sharing a suite with Celestia, and it made sense she stick around.

"Never mind that, servant. Go up to the suite and set up your things, my guard shall escort you."

As they left the next wave of stallions filed in, this time there were only twenty of them. Though the Sun Princess was slightly disheartened at the dwindling numbers, she shrugged and put on a smile for them. First impressions were very important to the alicorn. But there was one suitor that wasn't even going to get a first impression. A certain male caught the Night Empress' eye just then, he was shorter than the rest and had a hood up over his head, hiding his young face. The alicorn narrowed her eyes at the small blue pegasus.

"You, there! What in the blazes are you doing here, colt?"

A small, fragile colt stumbled out of the crowd, pushed by another stallion. He looked at Luna and Celestia with eyes the size of saucers, filled with fear. He was a shade of verdant emerald and his mane was a faded lime green, something that the Sun princess liked very much. It was a trait she held value to, good looks. So she decided that, despite him being only on the cusp of stallion-hood, she would give him a try.

"Ah'm so sorry, ma'am. I don't have a home n' if I could have a job-"

He was cut off by an irate Luna, who more or less screamed in the poor boy's face.

"This is for fully grown stallions only you stupid foal! Go back to whatever slum of a place you were birthed, crawl in the binge pool that your pathetic excuse for a mother had you in and DIE!"

He balked at the alicorn at first, then gave a smile and pulled forth a flask from his saddlebag. It wasn't debatable that this pony had a sense of chilled swagger.

"I won't be listenin' to any of your puke." He chuckles. "Ah'm here to be her servant, not yours."

The room went dead silent at that moment; nopony dared so much as move. It was so tense that Celestia could see Luna's eye tic acting up. The Night Empress jumped off her throne and stormed up to the diminutive colt. She stared him down with so much hate it was palpable. Celestia half wanted to close her eyes to avoid what would inevitably come next. But instead of her destroying, eviscerating the youngling, she stared him down for a long six minutes. He didn't so much as blink or break eye contact; he just looked up at her with an expression of 'Fuck you, I'm drunk'.

"What is your name?" Luna snarled.

He looked at her and spoke in his adorable Irish accent. "Meadly Guinness, ma'am." He did a slight bow, further angering the princess.

"And your Cutie mark?"

"A honey comb and some maize, ma'am."

The two continued to stare each other down, him with a smile and her with a look that could flay a guard alive. He broke eye contact to take another sip from his flask, which he tucked under his wing.

"Ye' have the most beautiful eyes, by the way."

Luna's mouth dropped open. Celestia prepared to hear her ripping the young colt in half, his blood to coat her throne room floor and stain her carpet.

After what seemed like centuries, Luna chuckled. Then she broke out in a full blown laugh that grew into a thundering guffaw, scaring the wits out of the guards and even the Sun Princess herself.

"I like this stallion, sister. He has more guts than any other in this entire room."

"Ah di'n't come here to be praised, ah came here to get a job. Ah'll will gladly do anything Celestia wishes and I happen t' be a master brewer, so if ye ever need a pint. Ah can cook, ah'm decent at conversation n' I'm educated. Forgive me, as mah accent grows thicker when ah drink."

"Aren't you too young to be drinking in the first place?" Celestia asked, arching a brow.

He let out a raucous round of mirth and said. "No' where ah'm from!"

The Sun Princess looked to her sister. "This pony seems a bit… wild for me."

"It's what you need, sister. To break a few taboos and have fun for once. I usually don't condone fun, but you need it. You are just such a perfectionist and you have not hobbies or jobs outside your royal duties. I am sure this pony will spice up your day."

"I don't want a pony to spice up my day, Luna! I want a pony to be kind courteous and caring. This is a drunk, annoying foal."

"Oh come now sister! I am sure this handsome young mortal will be less crass once he's sober."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

Despite being thousands of years old and wise beyond any mortal reasoning, the two sisters were sometimes reduced to simply yelling at each other.

"Look you two, allow me to just say that ah'm a lil less boisterous when I'm sober. But that don't mean-"

"Shut up!" Both the alicorns screamed at him.

"Look, do I have to job 'r what?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"'Ow about a coin toss, eh?"

"Fine!" They barked.

He pulled out a golden coin and tossed it to a guard, who looked at him like he was insane.

"Well? Who's heads?"

"Heads" Luna growled.

"Tails." Her sister snapped.

It landed on heads. Luna gave her sister a smug look.

"You have a new servant."