I Know What You're Probably Thinking
Dear Doctor,
I remember the first moment I felt it. The bend of my heart and the drop of my stomach. The way everything else lost its meaning and the way I thought nothing could ever get worse. The way the sky bent and twisted at your command, and the way everything else evaporated into darkness, and I honestly believed it was just you and me there. I remember, because it's hard to forget the moment you fall for some pony. Yes, I did just say that. And I meant it.
You've probably heard it so, so, so many times, and I know you hate it. I know because, you hate goodbyes and hurting ponies who don't need it, or deserve it. That's why I'll never actually tell you. I know how much it'll hurt for you to hear my say it, and I really, really don't want you to leave me. I don't think I could actually live without you, so I'll try to keep it in. It's hard to keep it in you know, every adventure, big or small, it gets harder and harder.
I once heard that love is easy; and I can now confirm, that love is one of the easiest things to do, but one of the hardest things to actually comprehend and explain and get over. To explain how I feel about you would take an entire three and a half days, but I don't have that much time, so I'll try to describe it in less than three and a half days.
When you wink at me, my heart squeezes and my cheeks burn up, but you don't notice, because you're already working on something else. When you smile that gorgeous, adventurous, amazing smile I almost swoon, but I catch myself before I do. I dream about you and I dancing so much, that I swear I get it mixed up with a memory, and when you call me Ms. Hooves, I shiver from the way you say it. You say it like I'm a respected business mare, not a lonely mailmare. And when you cry, like I've seen you do many times, it kills me inside. It hurts like my heart has been pulled away from me. In those situations were we are separated, I can't focus, even though I know my life depends on it, I can't stop thinking about you and hoping you're safe. You don't understand how much it hurts when I see another mare showing you affection like it's nothing, because I wish I was that confident, but I know I never could bring myself to do so.
It's hard loving some pony that shouldn't exist, and I chose quite possibly the worst pony to fall in love with. Not that you aren't bad! NO! You're perfect... It's just loving you, is like loving the river. Always flowing, never stopping, not for anything. And the fact that someday, you'll be flowing without me, it hurts. More that you'd think, because why would you ever show interest in me? In the derpy mailmare who talks nonstop about muffins and bubbles, and to my friends, you.
Why would you ever love the lovestruck mare that is me? If I had to count how many times I've dreamt of you and I being together, the number would be to high to comprehend, and no matter how hard you try, I don't think I could stop. I don't think I could ever stop being addicted to the adrenaline feel and the wave of excitement I get when you show any sort of attention to me, and even though there are so, so, so many bad things in the world, just like you said, there is always a good thing. And in mine, it's you. You showed me the entirety of the universe and the feeling of being loved, because without you, I may have never gotten friends, and without you I definitely wouldn't have ever been courageous enough to write this letter.
Maybe someday you'll read this letter, and maybe at the time I'll be gone. Out of your hair I guess. I hope not...
I wrote this letter to try and get over you. To try and finish this letter with an understanding of what I am going through, or at the time that I finish this, hopefully, what I was going through. I know why you don't want to have a relationship with a 'mortal' as I like to refer to us as.
My favourite memory of you, is the time we met my best friends. The time you gave me friendship expecting nothing in return, and in fact, you gave me friendship without even expecting to give it to me. No, actually, I think my favourite memory is the first time you took us into space, when we were drifting among the stars, and I sat on the edge of the TARDIS, and you nearly had a heart attack when I jumped out of the TARDIS in to space. You forgot I had wings at the time didn't you, well, yeah, that's kinda obvious... But space feels weird, because there is no ground to land on, and if I didn't fly, I'd float in an empty space and I guess that's how you could describe what being in love with you feels like. I'm to far away from the ground to land, and the only other pony here is you.
Maybe one day we could be together, and I no that is unlikely, but I'm a dreamer. Hope is all I got, and you know that more than any pony.
You make me feel normal and accepted where no pony else could, and when you talk about my eyes, you always say their perfect and the one time I asked if you could fix them, you said, "Why would I want to fix beauty?" and I cried inside. I cried inside because I wished I could've kissed you then and there, but you were tinkering with the TARDIS and I didn't want to bother you. Because that's all I really am, a bother to be around. I break things so easily, and fixing things is a part of my daily routine, because right after I manage to fix it, I'll break it. And that's why I'm scared of our future, if we do ever get together, I'll break it. I'll break it, and I can't fix some pony into loving me again. That isn't how it works.
My mum taught me this trick when I was young. If you repeat a word over and over and over again, it'll lose its meaning. That's how I ignored bullies so easily, by repeating their words over and over and over again in my head until they had lost their significance. I repeated words over and over and over again, teaching them that they were worthless, that they couldn't harm me. Every so often, I forgot to repeat them, and I'd listen to them instead. That's a mistake wrapped in a mistake, and if you know me well enough, you'll know I'm stubborn. So if I got an idea about myself in my head, it's imprinted there. And no amount of words, or affection can change it, it'll always be there.
I tried repeating love over and over and over and over again until it was just a stumble off of my tongue, in didn't work. It didn't lose its meaning, it didn't lose the impact, it didn't change at all.
You showed me so many more things than I could ever dream of, and you gave me things that ponies would laugh at, but every single time I hear your voice, it hurts. It hurts because I love you, and Dear Doctor, you're the only north star that I'd follow this far.
Dear Doctor, I love you.
I wish I could stop loving you, I really do, because then we could become best friends travelling the universe, but I can't. I really can't stop loving you, and although I wish I could cure this disease called love, and I wish you could fix my heart. But,
Dear Doctor, how do you fix perfection?
From your faithful companion
Ditzy Doo XOX
Ditzy, after have writing the note leaned back in her chair and shuffled uncomfortably. She had spent hours writing that letter, the letter no pony but her would ever read. She folded the letter with utmost care and slid it into a cream, crisp, fresh envelope that she had managed to get from the post office and clasped it shut with a bubble sticker.
Hot tears were blurring her vision, but she refused to cry. She refused. A yawn excepted her mouth, and she looked up at the clock, that read 1:34 AM. Ditzy looked back at the envelope and made her way into bed, blew out the candle and let the darkness cradle her into her slumber.
The next morning, the Doctor trotted by Ditzy's room and knocked on it loudly.
"Ditzy! Come on! Aliens to save, badguys to defeat!" He said cheerfully.
"Uh, COMING!" Ditzy yelled from inside the room, followed closely by a loud thump that earned a cringe from the Doctor. "I'm okay!" Her voice echoed in the hallway and made the Doctor smile. Her door yanked open to reveal a tired Ditzy with a messy mane and a wonky smile.
"Ready? ALLONS-Y! Always wanted to say that!" She said, giddily as she ran off towards the console room.
Author's Note
Yeah, it's kinda cheesy, but I like it!
I hope you liked it!
