Monocles, Mischief, and Misfortuneby GettingOutOfHoofChaptersChapter 1: Waking UpChapter 2: Waking Up.......AgainChapter 3: Jello and SedativesChapter 4: Good Titles Are Hard To Come ByChapter 5: The Part Where I Kill YouChapter 6: Chapter 6Chapter 1: Waking UpWe originally wanted to have the two main characters in different colored fonts, but we couldn't find a way to do this on this site. If anyone could us any help with this, we would be very grateful. So with this im putting the names of the characters in all caps before this section. The story won't remain switching back and forth constanty, just for this first chapter.. JARED I just woke up from the weirdest dream. My buddy Shain and I borrowed his sister’s car. We took it on a little joyride. We crashed…I swear it was all Shain’s fault. Oh, by the way, you’re reading a story (No shit) and I’m the main character. Just call me Jared. All that other boring crap about me that you don’t wanna know is gonna be coming up later. Don’t worry your pretty little head about me. Anyway, back to the story. I’m usually a pretty nice guy…. but fuck mornings. I hate them. With a passion. It’s like coming out of a coma for me, I have no idea where the hell I am and my mind is so slow I’m legally retarded when for the first hour or two. This being said, I woke up to the sound of birds singing, fuck those birds. I felt grass on my arms and the back of my neck, fuck that grass. Woah, maybe it’s cause I just woke up but everything looks so………cartoonish? I rolled over wondering how the hell I got in the grass. I saw an orange and blue unicorn with a monocle…..monocle? Did I fuck a pony? I’m in Equestria? Am I a pony? No…. FUCK! I decided to wake up the sleeping unicorn next to me. SHAIN I was in the middle of the strangest dream. My friend Jared and I had blatantly stolen my sister’s car and tested its mettle on the suburban streets of Kentucky. Jared distracted me and a viscous crash ensued. Also, if you haven’t noticed already, you’re reading a story about ponies on the internet and I’m the main character. My friends call me Shain and that’s all you need to know so far. Now back to the present: Mornings are not fun times for me. Waking up for me is less like a refreshing resurgence to consciousness and more like a newborn orc clawing its way out of an egg sac. I flailed and cursed as I was unceremoniously jolted from my dreams into the violence of my current surroundings. There was a dull pounding in my skull and I felt a consistent nudging on my right shoulder. As I opened my eyes, a violent orgy of pastel colors assaulted my retinas, causing the dull pounding to accelerate into a sharp, piercing agony. My only cognizant thought was “FLYING FUCK BALLS OF ZEUS!” JARED The monocled pony shrieked something about Zeus’s balls. I put my hands over my ears and politely asked it to adjust its volume. It rolled over and I used my flawless ninja skills to avoid the sharp horn that was coming for my face. I had the faintest idea to smack the pony, but I thought about that horn and decided against it. The unicorn shook its head and looked at me. I asked it, “Hey uh did we, you know, uhhhhh,” possible bestiality is something really hard to own up to, believe it or not. The unicorn suddenly showed a gleam in its eyes. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” it asked as it rubbed his hoof suggestively on my arm. HIS HOOF? God, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but please please please let this be a dream, I’m not gonna promise you anything. You know how it worked out last time…..Right! Story! The unicorn gasped as it saw its hoof. Then it started laughing with delight. Great it was crazy to. I’m a gay, insane pony fucker (I’m not insane, the ponies are. Not much better….). It squealed, loud. I reminded it of what I said about volume control. SHAIN I looked up at the cause of this morning’s pain and saw none other than my friend/murderer Jared standing over me with hands pressed against his wounded eardrums. “Shut the fuck up!” he yelled. The effect was somewhat diminished by the voice crack over the u in fuck but worked anyway. I stopped making noise immediately and looked up at him expectantly. He looked confused “Hey uh did we, you know, uhhhhh,” he stammered awkwardly. I soon realized he must not remember what happened last night and, waking up next to me, might have assumed the worst. A golden opportunity for trolling was before me and I wasn’t about to pass it up for something as paltry as ‘self-respect’. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” I asked in a sultry voice. I reached my hoof out to rub his arm suggestively and WAIT… did I just say hoof? My eyes widened from their half-lidded seductive stare as the revelation dawned on me. I have a hoof. The statement echoed in my mind hypnotically. I HAVE A HOOF I HAVE A HOOF I HAVE A HOOF. Not just any hoof, but a solid orange one. I looked down at the rest of my body. Only it wasn’t my body that I saw. Instead, there was an undoubtedly equine form connected to my head, complete with backwards knees on the hind legs and a colorful blue tail. I stood up (on four hooves) and walked to a nearby stream. A grin broke across my face as my eyes verified what I already knew. I am a pony. My reflection was that an orange unicorn stallion with a cheeky grin sporting a classy blue-tinted monocle. The grin grew into a maniacal smile as the realization dawned on me. I did the only thing that made sense – I started laughing uncontrollably. The louder I laughed, the more uncomfortable he seemed to get until finally… “What the flying fuck is so funny?” he groaned tiredly. I could see what little composure he had melting under my joy. In between gasps and laughing fits I managed to squeak out one sentence:“*giggle* I’m a pony HAHAHAHA *gasp*HAHAHAHA” JARED “What the flying fuck is so funny?” I ask, trying not to release my aggression and the cackling unicorn in front of me. It giggled and gasped for quite a while…..RAGE METER: Fists clenched. Finally it said “I’m a pony.” “I….I can see that, man.” I sighed. Ah shit here come the dudes and mans. Can’t go long without using either. It’s a hard habit to break. Not that I really want to. He just kept giggling. I fucking hate giggling. It’s just too damn bubbly. If I ever giggle, I want to be shot instantly. Right between the eyes. NO QUESTIONS. This little giggling motherfucker was ruining the fact that I may or may not be in Equestria. I will hate him forever for this. Usually I’m more mellow and calm, but man….this is too much. I’m in a cartoony world, field-type thing, most likely Equestria. That alone tore down half my wall of composure. Then the fact that there was a lunatic pony taunting me… AND I’M NOT A PONY. That last one really hurt. I wanted it so bad….I needed some happiness like that dude. And then this next thing happened: RAGE METER: Head Pounding, Fists shaking. I rarely act on impulse, but this monocled fuck pushed me way too early in the morning. A deadly mistake. I snatched the monocle from his gleeful face and threw the piece of glass into the nearby forest. I heard the most beautiful crunch I had ever heard in my entire life that sent joy into every cell of my body. I was happy. My brief moment of ecstacy was interrupted by hoofs hitting my stomach and chest. Thank God this pony was too short to reach my face. The bright orange unicorn was screaming and shouting obscenities that I will never ever repeat. The world can’t be exposed to such vile words of pure fury and hate. HOLY FUCK HOOVES HURT! JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!!!! SHAIN I was lost in pony euphoria. A feeling of total ecstasy was riding my psyche like a sexy angel with a coke problem. I was vaguely aware that I was trotting and jumping (teehee trotting) in circles around my companion. His fists were clenched and his entire body was taut like a bow string, but any curiosity as to why was quickly trampled under the wave of mental stimulation that was my ponydom. Suddenly, my monocle was ripped from my face. I stopped my celebration and looked over just in time to see the bastard hurl it into the woods with a righteous fury. For a split second it hung suspended in the air, drifting and glinting lazily in the sun’s rays. It was beautiful in a twisted sort of way. All was still…. and then I heard the glass shatter. After that, something vital in my psyche got fucked sideways and all self-control I had had previously was blown old-faithful style out my ass. He didn’t even see me coming. I turned and put all my weight onto my front hooves. At the same time I raised my back legs in a textbook example of an ancient pony martial arts form; the BUCK. My back hooves flew straight and true into the taller creature’s stomach and chest. I like to imagine I felt something vital collapse inside him. I know I heard something snap, but maybe that was just my sanity. Now I wasn’t sure of much in this new world. Trans-dimensional travel tends to shake your foundations a little, you see. Despite this there was still one thing I knew in my heart: aint nobody fuck with my monocle. AINT NOBODY. JARED MY FUCKING RIB!!!!!! THE FOUR LEGGED FUCK BROKE MY RIBBED!!!! I gasped for air. I remembered that this was a pony and I had to be gentle. The unicorn giggled. RAGE METER: …….run. I slowly picked it up by the mane and began to shake it. Hard. I laughed as it yelped; it knew what pain was.. The moment was short lived. It proceeded to KICK ME IN MY BALLS REPEATEDLY, ENSURING STERILITY. My vision went black. I opened my eyes to see my hands around the orange (slowly turning blue) pony gasping and struggling for air. I considered relenting, but I felt a sick feeling in my stomach reminding me of the probable permanent damage to my genitals. This was going to be great. I was about to finish him when I heard the smallest voice. “Hi…um... excuse me….. but…. uh….I think that…. you’re hurting him… and I was wondering if you could….” “STOP!” not as small... I turn just in time to see the rainbow hit me. I look up and see a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. The pain was too great at this point…. Getting sleepy….. this grass is nice…….. Nighty night. SHAIN A small giggle escaped from my mouth as I stepped back from my victim. Before I could react or even realize the gravity of the mistake I’d made. I felt myself rudely yanked into the air by my mane and shaken like a hamster in a washing machine. I knew what pain was. My feeble attempts at releasing from his grip got no results. I missed my thumbs already. Then I remembered the monocle. The best part about my new body so far had just been shattered in the woods like it was nothing. I was in mourning. It felt like I had lost a dear friend and I was pissed. The power of my rage was legendary. I felt the unlocked potential of God and hell at my hooftips, my vision narrowed as I felt it take control. The fury threatened to eclipse my willpower and come bubbling out like the lifeblood of an exploded oil rig seeping into the ocean. This may sound arrogant, but I made that anger my bitch. Instead of losing control and striking blindly, I maintained focus and directed every ounce of righteous fury I had into my forelegs that, in turn, directed that energy at his weak human testicles. Again. And again. And again. He cried out in agony, it was sweet music to me. Then Jared lunged at me and wrapped his hands around my equine throat. I let him do this as a ploy for him to let down his guard. Just when I was about to finish him I heard the most delicate voice: “Hi…um... excuse me….. but…. uh….I think that…. you’re hurting him… and I was wondering if you could….” Then one not so delicate: “STOP!” I see a rainbow blur streak in from the corner of my eye. It collided with Jared and I was very rudely tossed into the air by the splash damage of the colorful mortar shell. From my new home on the ground, I witnessed the form of my human enemy LAID THE FUCK OUT by a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail. “Lucky bastard… *ahack*” That’s all I manage to say before I black out. Chapter 2: Waking Up.......AgainJARED I woke up but kept my eyes closed. My internal clock told me it was night time (best time!). This brought a small smile to my lips. I inhaled. Bad bad bad idea. It felt like I got stabbed in the chest with a rusty butterknife. Then I remembered ........ FUCK. This is REAL! Getting my ass whooped by a pony and a rainbow was REAL! The wounds to my chest and balls were REAL! So I decided to go with the most cliche/probable thing: the car crash dream was real and I was dead. I wondered what happened to Shain. Was he here too? Did he die like I did? I hope he's okay, I'd just feel awful if he got hurt because of me. Speaking of guilt, I was a real asshole to that unicorn. I probably should've just walked away instead of throwing away his monocle and shaking him like a hamster in a washing machine....what can I say? Mornings man. My fucking worst enemy. It's kinda like a Jeckyl/Hyde thing for me. Now that it's night im much more... what's the word?.....sane, no .... cheery, oh hell no ..... mildly content and rational? There we go! Now you must be noticing I took the whole dead thing pretty well. It's kinda because I frankly didn't give a shit. Nope not gonna sob. Not gonna say I was too tired or lazy. I'm just gonna outright say I was tired of getting up in the morning. No I'm not gonna tell you why, so make up whatever fucked up crazy back story and emotional baggage you want. I groaned and (carefully) sat upright. I saw vertical bars and a very stern looking guard pony looking at me. He was brown and was wearing the royal armor. To my dissappointment, the armor covered his cutie mark "Good, you're awake. We'll begin your interrogation shortly," he said. Fuck me, man...... SHAIN I came back to consciousness one sense at a time. First, my hearing returned. I could hear a steady beeping, like that of a heart rate monitor, off to my left, and someone snoring softly to my right. I HATE it when people snore. Most people just accept it because "Hey, they're asleep and they cant help it" but FUCK THAT. It should never be socially acceptable to make that kind of noise when other people are around, it's disgusting. As my brain pondered the depraved and despicable practice of snoring, my other senses gradually came to. I could feel a soft bed underneath me and a bright light was trying in vain to get past my eyelids and into my retinas. Do ponies have retinas? Maybe they do, but they're bound to be more sensitive because of how huge pony eyes are. The concept of being violently blinded by a stray light beam suddenly terrified me and I instinctively raised my hooves to my face to shield myself from any light related weaponry that might be aimed at me (waking up makes me stupid like that). Then I remembered: I raised my hooves. Not hands, but real, orange, marshmallowey, dexterous, honest-to-Celestia FUCKING HOOVES. I smiled a now familiar crazy smile as I opened my eyes and looked at them. I'm a pony. I thought to myself. I saw three white walls around me, and lots of fancy-looking medical machinery stationed around the hospital bed I now realized I was in. The wall directly across from me held a door and a long window with blinds in it, blocking my view. Looking to my right, I saw a long curtain drawn across the center of the room. The snoring was coming from behind it. My glee was interrupted as I recalled what happened to my friend, myself, and most importantly, my monocle. There's no time to mourn now, I thought, soon I'll hold a proper ceremony, for now I'll just figure out where I am. JARED "Soooooo..... What's your name?" I asked as pleasantly as I could. Apparently Celestia requested that she and Luna both be there during the interrogation. But they're busy. So I had spent some of my time working on my prison body.....that was really fucking painful because of my rib and balls * )': * injuries, so I kinda just sat there and stared at the wall and thought about stuff. That got boring too, and I figured since it looked like we were going to be together for a while, I might as well get to learn who was guarding me. He insisted on asking the questions instead. We got through the whole 'What are you?' thing pretty quick. turns out he wasn't very inquisitive, which was great for me. As you've read, I dont like talking about personal stuff. I liked this guy, I mean pony.....you know what I mean. "Enough about me, what about you? You never told me your name," I said. "I was ordered not to give you any personal information," he stated firmly. "C'mon, knowing your name won't do any damage, right?" "I guess not..." he sighed, "I'm Bronze Shield. But that's all you need to know....." SHAIN "Uuuuuh hello?" I said to the machines around me. Just then there was a shuffling from behind the curtain and a gray-coated earth pony mare with a straightened, darker gray mane walked out, carrying a clipboard in her teeth. "Ah! you woke up!" she exclaimed in a bubbly, almost annoying sort of voice. "We were really worried for a while there, you had several fractured ribs and your scalp looked like somepony had picked you up by the mane and shook you like a hamster in a washing machine!" For a moment I was too stunned by the irony to respond. "Where am I?" my voice was subdued, like I had spent all night in a shouting contest with a tornado siren. "Why, you're in Canterlot's Huerta Memorial Hospital of course!" Voice......still......annoying.... "We have the best care in Equestria! Maybe even the whole galaxy!" "That's nice..." I said. How can she be so happy? I thought. Doesn't she know I'm in mourning here!? "Well now that you're awake we can call the nice guard ponies in here to ask you about the alien!" Annoyance.......reaching......capacity....so angry and... wait wuh? Dafuq did she just say about aliens? JARED "Well if you feel that way, you should tell her, Bronze," I said, trying to be comforting. It had been about thirty minutes and I knew his whole life story. It tends to happen to me alot. Just something about me says "Hey, you can vent to me!" Anyway, he had just told me about this unicorn mare who had started to frequent the Royal Palace lately. He had taken quite an interest in her,but didn't think she would like him because he was a "simple guardpony". "But she's so much better than me," he said dismally. "Don't think that way, man" "Man?" "Oh uh it's a pronoun, like the word 'you'. It's a term of seriousness/endearment/friendship/stress/pity-" "So you use it for everything." Bronze deadpanned. "Pretty much, but thats not important right now. Bronze, you guard the princessess. That's an important job. And they would only have the best for a job so important, right?" "Yeah....Yeah, you're right!" he grinned. "There you go, man!" I chuckled, happy to see him happy. I worked my way over to the small mattress over in the corner of my cell. Pretty comfy, to my suprise. You're probably wondering where the asshole from chapter one is, he'll be back (PonyCrusher II, Coming this Fall). But for now I was Dr. Jared, Pony Therapist. The thought gave me a short laugh before I closed my eyes. "Goodnight, Bronze. See you in the morning...." SHAIN "Dafuq did you just say about aliens?" I asked, my voice suddenly getting stronger. "Oh yes, don't you remember? You were attacked by a big alien looking thing! Maybe the Marephine we gave you was too strong after all." My brain stalled for a few seconds. Marephine............................ oh. Haha. That's just fucking hilarious. "I don't think that's it ma'am, I remember everything just fine." "Well that's dandy! We'll have you fixed up and ready to go real soon after the nice guard ponies are done with you! let me just go get them now." She started walking out the door into the hallway when I stopped her. "Excuse me but, what was your name?" She looked back with a smile "Inkie, Inkie Pie." Chapter 3: Jello and SedativesJARED RAGE METER: ERROR! File 401 'reason.exe' not found The sun shined through the barred window. RIGHT INTO MY GOD DAMNED EYES. MY RIBS FELT LIKE THEY WERE ON FIRE UNDERNEATH MY SKIN. AND THEN THERE WERE THE TWO MOTHERFUCKERS WHO I HAD BEEN WAITING ON THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME, CELESTIA AND LUNA, WERE LOOKING DOWN ON ME. I lept up and sprinted through the cell door those two stupid shits left open. I knocked over three guards and made it about 20 yards before I was unceremoniously pinned against the nearest stone wall. I could tell by the golden glow surrounding me it was that bitch Celestia who had me pinned. Fuck her. She walked up to me and looked at me. She looked disappointed.....damn that kinda hurt. Weird. She slowly shook her head as if she was ashamed that I was acting that way (Ouch again). "Nurse Pie, please administer the sedative." Sedative?! SHAIN Things were good right now. like really good. The sun was shining through the big hospital windows, they gave me more marephine, Jared probably wasn't going to be executed, and they brought me jello! I fucking love jello. If jello was a burrito, it would be a very good burrito. Does that make sense? Fuck logic i have jello. But wait... isn't jello made from... horse hooves? HOLY FUCK CUPCAKES MOMENT. I looked down at the hospital tray with creeping horror. Then i realized... oh wait, i don't care. I proceeded to slurp up the rest of the jello with my muzzle. feelsgoodman. So just to get you all caught up, this is what happened: after Inkie left, the gaurd ponies came in and asked me some questions about what happened. I tried to play dumb (derp derp pls dont kill alien herp wtfbbq) and they seemed to buy it. I asked if i could talk to him and they said that they'd go get him and bring him here if he was in a cooperative mood. That was an hour and a half ago. I started to wonder if i should be worried. "Nah.. he wouldn't attack the gaurds or nothin like that... right?" JARED Life........life was good, man. "I don't know what went wrong, Princess. Nopony's ever handled that much marephine before!" "It's okay Nurse Pie. You couldn't have known." "Yeeeeaaaaahahhh, don't beat yerself up, man. Ish not yer faults. Wait. Marephine? That shit's fuckin funny!" I slurred. "Man?" The Princesses, the nurse, and the guards all said in unison. "It's a term of endearment," Bronze Shield explained tiredly. "Broooooonze! Buddy! I fuckin love you man! Ya ask out that unicorn yet? Cause if you didn't Imma do it for ya!" I love Bronze! "Uhm not yet, but erm I'm working on it. Don't...don't do that. But thanks for the uh concern." He was so red man, you shoulda seen the look on his face. Priceless. "So thou hast spoken with it? We ordered you not to converse with this alien!" Luna barked. Hahaha...Barking ponies. "Uhm yes Luna. But but but.." He stammered. I had to save Bronze! "Hey hey hey.......hey. Don't be mad at Bronze! Ish not his fault! I......uh...I used my alien mindpowers to like brainwash him into telling me everything he knew about everything! Yeah that's it!" Not my best work, but damn these tranqs are the shit! "That makes you a threat to Equestria," Uh oh.....This was bad. "We will return shortly. Guards, stay here while we discuss our plan of action. Nurse, go back to your patients. Im sure this alien's victim needs some more help recuperating." Victim...? Im a threat? Once again: Fuck me man....... SHAIN "We're not ballin! We take it back to the days of yes y'all in', we holdin on to what's golden! On a stage I rage and im rollin!" God I love Jurassic Five. That shit is the golden assault rifle to my colombian drug lord. At this point I was still in my hospital bed, rollin on marephine and had just recently started singing all the 90s rap I knew. Just when I reached the second chorus, Inkie came back. "Inkie! You're best pony!" I yelled in my slurry drug speech. "Well thank you!" she replied, oddly undisturbed by my behavior. Actually, its not that odd ifIi think about it, she is the sister of the craziest, awesomest, pinkiest party pony ever. "I have good news too! That alien woke up and you can go see him now, if you're ready." "Yay! Jared gets pony visits! From me!" Marephine's a hell of a drug... "Umm okay then, come with me please." she said. I bounced along behind her as she trotted happily out of the hospital and through a courtyard. She led me to a large gray building with bars over the windows It really clashed with the peaceful garden surroundings and was totally unchill. The only good thing about it was the big letters over the front door that read: "Pony Prison of Equestria." "Ahaha it says P.P.E., thats funny somehow.. I think... why are we here again?" She wisely chose to ignore my rambling and led me inside. We trotted/bounced past a few guard ponies, through a long hallway and turned a corner. Just then... "YOU!!!!!" JARED "YOU!!!!" I scream. They brought the fucking orange and blue unicorn to me! Are they trying to kill him?! "NURSE!!!!!!! MORE TRANQUILIZER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yep. That was me yelling that. I didn't wanna hurt any.....Nah i just wanted to get more of that good floaty painless feeling. "We're out...He got the last of the marephine." The nurse said sheepishly. If I wasn't so pissed I would've enjoyed the concept of sheepish ponies. "This is getting worse and worse! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-" "Stop it this instant!" It was Celestia. "You've been acting like a monster this entire time and it is completely unbecoming of you! It is obvious you are intelligent, and Bronze Shield has told us about how you had a warm heart and open ear. So stop behaving like a mindless savage and control yourself!" "Warm heart and open ear? Who are you and what have you done with Jared!" The drugged pony slurred. Had to agree with him...wait did he just say my name? Still reeling from the heart shattering moment where Celestia told me off, I forgot all my anger towards him. "Y-you know my name?" "YEAAAAH man! It's me! Shain! I'm so glad you killed us in that car accident! This place is great! Have you tried the jello?! Shit's fantastic!" Celestia telling me off. My friend was a pony. They were out of drugs. . EQUESTRIA used SHOCK on JARED! It's super effective! JARED Fainted! SHAIN I didn't know what was going on.. Jared was yelling, guard ponies were holding him down, Celestia and Luna were in the room, and I had a random fucking song stuck in my head; I just met you, and this is craaaaazy. but here's my number! so call me maybe! Jesus fucking Zeus' balls with a red hot pogo stick I hate that song. But anyway, weren't ponies talking? Yea lets go back to that: "...you had a warm heart and open ear. So stop behaving like a mindless savage and control yourself!" Wait, that was Celestia.. talking to Jared? lucky bastard! I gotta get in on this. "Warm heart and open ear? Who are you and what have you done with Jared!" I slurred in my adorable drugged pony voice. I breifly started thinking about jello again, and how fucked up it is that ponies have it. "Y-you know my name?" he seemed surprised. Before i could think, the pony meds responded for me. "YEAAAAH man! It's me! Shain! I'm so glad you killed us in that car accident! This place is great! Have you tried the jello?! Shit's fantastic!" This seemed to be even more shocking to him. Everything I knew about human body language just screamed 'DOES NOT COMPUTE.' I ain't ashamed to say i giggled a little bit. Then he fainted.. rather anti climactic don't you think? srsly at least one of us has been fainting like every chapter. Overused plot device is overused teehee. I felt like I should do something to break the tension after the only non-pony in the room had fainted so I did the only thing I could do at the time; I dance partied. Chapter 4: Good Titles Are Hard To Come ByJARED What the fuck? I was in a bed. An honest to goodness bed. This.....this was great. I slowly sat up and was suprised to feel that my previously injured rib was fine. I shook my head rapidly from side to side and felt my arms to see if it was just marephine or if my rib was actually okay. To my dissappointment, it wasn't marephine. There was a window across from my (still can't believe this) bed. What I saw was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon: the night time sky. The stars were so bright and spectacular, and the moon even more so. Even then, those words can be considered insults to how incredible it truly was. Then something rare happened, a smile of pure happiness and enjoyment appeared on my face. "WE SEE YOU ENJOY OUR NIGHT!!." The loudest fucking voice I had ever heard thundered throughout the room and RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING EARS. "Stop yelling! Don't hurt me! But if you do, send me to the moon! I've always wanted to go there!" I cried. "WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. BRONZE SHIELD REQUESTED TO SEE YOU!" "That's great! Really great! But please turn the volume down for the love of Christ!" "We will try to refrain from using the Royal Canterlot Voice for now," Luna said softly. Much better. "We are suprised you are not acting violent or threatening Us or anypony else." "Yeah, I'm not exactly a morning person....I'm more of a 'If you wake me up before eleven I will end you and everything you love type person'. Anyway, Bronze! What's up buddy?! How you doin?" While Luna seemed concerned and somewhat wary of me. As to why, I have no idea Bronze seemed to have just this atmosphere of joy around him that made me glad just being around him. "Well for one I'm glad to see you awake and well, man." Bronze replied. "Did you just call me 'man'?" FUCK YEAH! A pony just called me 'man' Best. Day. Ever. "Yes I did," He laughed, "So I asked out that mare...." He trailed off and sounded kinda sad/serious. He looked miserable. "Damn, man. I'm sorry." Broke my heart to see my buddy so sad. I felt bad for getting his hopes up for some reason. "She said she was insulted that I even bothered to waste her time..." He said, any joy from before gone from his voice. "Well if she's that stuck up, you don't even wanna be with her in the first place. Trust me, it does NOT end well." I hate stuck up chicks. And if you're reading this I mean you. Okay maybe not you, confused reader. Whatever man, fuck. They know who they are. "Alright, if you say so..." Bronze sighed. I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of the bed and walked up to Bronze and gave the poor guy a hug. Luna looked alarmed at first, but then sorta smiled and calmed down when she realized it was a hug and not a chokehold. "Thanks, Jared. You're a good friend." Luna looked...I don't know how to put this....like I passed a test. Probably did. Y'know cause I'm awesome like that. Speaking of friends: Shain's a fucking pony now!!!! Even more important: I was fucking hungry SHAIN I was suspended in space. Fucking space. The final frontier, the great beyond, whatever you wanna call it. All around me, the stars and galaxies glowed welcomingly against the deep black of the ether. I was in my pony form, of that much I was certain. But where I was, when i was; none of it mattered. The calming sound of low, smooth bass lines permeated the nothingness around me. It was total bliss. A small tear formed on my cheek; I wish the space core were here for this. Then a hoof hit me in the face. "GAHFUCKMESIDEWAYSWITHARUSTYSCYTHEONATUESDAY" I opened my eyes to see the same night sky I had been dreaming of, only this time I wasn't suspended in it. I could feel grass against my back and see the branches of trees above me. The full moon's rays glowed partially through the foliage and illuminated my attacker: one very bewildered Inkie Pie. She stared at me with wide eyes. "Hey now you're awake! Sorry about the kick, nothing else was working. Also wow man, that's the most creative cursing I've ever heard! Well done!" I don't know what surprised me more, the fact that the world didn't explode when I cursed in front of a pony or the fact that she just called me man. "Did you just call me man?" "Yep! I heard the alien use it and thought it sounded neat so there we go man!" I just stared for a few moments... "Okay." What? I don't have to question everything awesome that happens to me. "Soooo... what happened after the thing... with the human... in the place? The P.P.E.?" "Oh well after your friend passed out, you ran off to the royal gardens mumbling about space, something about dance partying too. I like parties! you should talk to my sister if you like parties, she is the Element of Laughter after all. But enough about that, We gotta get you back to the castle! Your friend wants to see you." That whole paragraph came out so quickly it sounded like one long, abused word. But I managed to understand it. I rolled onto my hooves and stood up, shaking the dew off of my coat as I did so. "Well okay then let's go!" JARED I was in the Royal Kitchen. And I was disappointed. The thing is...ponies don't eat meat. Yeah. That won't fly for long. Yeah eggs are alright, and I can always eat fruit. But I had to have a burger or chicken soon or else I'd....Ooooo they have strawberries! You shoulda heard the chef scream, man. *Five minutes later* "I've never seen anypony eat so many strawberries!" That was the Canterlot chef. He was a blue unicorn, kinda round, and he had a purple mane. His cutie mark was a fork and knife crossed. "Well I'm no pony." It hurt to speak I was so full. I went .MOV on those strawberries man. The chef stopped screaming a few minutes ago after Bronze and Luna had a lil chat. with him. "I can see that," Chef deadpanned. That's what I'm going to call him since I never learned his name. Oh hey I'm hungry again! "Got anything else?" I asked. "What?!" "Dude, I could eat a h-uh helicopter." Almost said horse there, phew. "Helicopter?" Luna asked. Bronze and Chef looked confused too. "It's an ani- I mean a really really really big fruit. bigger than I am." Almost said animal! Couldn't tell them about helicopters, didn't want some crazy Pendragon shit happening. And I didn't think they'd take kindly to me eating animals... "You can eat that much?" Chef asked incredulously. Right, see these ponies are pretty damn small. I mean I can make eye contact with Celestia and she's the tallest of all the ponies I've seen so far. So i guess eating something bigger than me meant some crazy shit to them. Anyway, Chef brought me some carrots a few minutes later. I took a bite of a particularly delicious looking one...and bit my fucking tongue! "FRUK," I shouted and got up violently. This scared the shit out of Chef and he proceeded to beat me with a rolling pin. I think he got seven hits in before Bronze pulled him off me. "Wut vuh fruk wuz tat?!" I yelled. I tasted pennies in my mouth. Blood. I spat it out. I think it scared everyone even more. "You sc-scared me," Chef stuttered. He was shaking with fear. Good. Damn Good. "Wuteva," I muttered before as I walked off before I shook Chef like a hamster in a washing machine. SHAIN "So Inkie, you're like, a nurse or something right?" I asked as I followed her through the Canterlot Gardens. "Yep! Chief Nursing Officer at Huerta Memorial hospital. That's what my cutie mark means!" I looked at her flank to see a drawing of a stethoscope draped around a red cross. How did I not notice that before? "Well that's cool......... Sooooo, what's it like being the sister of one of the Elements of Harmony?" My attempts at conversation were getting weaker. "It's not that big of a deal really. It's kinda funny, even though they saved Equestria twice, no one really treats them like celebrities. That's how they prefer it anyway." This was awesome, I was getting inside information about the mane six from Pinkie's sister. Honestly the only thing that could make this better would be a monoc... dammit now I'm sad again. She seemed to notice my change in mood as she suddenly stopped. "Hey.... don't be sad, I'm sure we can find you another monocle." I looked up suddenly. "How did you know that's what I was sad about?" "Oh I just have a sense about these things. I can just tell what's wrong with ponies. That's how I'm able to be such a good nurse!" Woah... Inkie sense. Does the rest of her family have a sixth sense too? This place just gets better and better. I hope Jared is having as much fun as me. JARED I was not having fun. Chapter 5: The Part Where I Kill YouSHAIN It astounded me how peaceful the Canterlot Gardens were. The moonlight refracting off the waterfall danced across the walls of the small rock alclove and across the water, to the marsh grass surrounding the pool. I followed the waterfall with my eyes all the way up to the snow capped peaks; then back the other way to where the brook ended and the water was carried off the edge of the cliffside city. I sat on my haunches at the pond's edge, taking it all in. Several lightning bugs listed lazily just above the water, except, wait....... something was different about these bugs....... Holy Fuck.... they were every color of the rainbow. It was like some crazy awesome gay warlock with a god complex had given wings to skittles and told them to go be awesome. And they had responded with gusto. At my side was Inkie, also just taking in the sights and sounds of the night. I know I said she can be annoying sometimes, but I had to hand - fuck... hoof it to her; she knows how to stay quiet when it's important. Just sitting there, enjoying each others company reminded me of what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. "So where is Jared again?" I started quietly, turning to face her. It seemed almost like a crime to break the peaceful serenity surrounding this sacred place. Inkie turned to face me. "Last I heard, he was in the kitchen trying to find something not revolting for a human to eat. I'll take you there now if you want" she replied. So Jared was gettin food huh? Shit I just hope he knows enough not to ask for meat. That would be interesting. "We'll go soon, for now let's just enjoy this some more." Inkie murmured in agreement and we both turned back to the masterpiece that was Luna's night. JARED I lazily wandered my way into the Canterlot Gardens. I heard crickets quietly chirping away, creating a whitenoise that reminded me of a cool summer night. My mind was working through what had gone on recently. Equestria wasn't quite what I had hoped for, or expected for that matter. At least I made a friend, Bronze. He slowly walked along with me, the only sound he made was the soft clinking of his armor. It also helped to know Shain was here, somewhere. Once again my eyes drifted towards the sky; it's beautiful stars and celestial bodys almost put me in a trance. the silence was interrupted by my brown companion. "I almost forgot, here's your stuff." He handed me a large misshapen cloth bag. I was wondering why my pockets were empty. I took the bag, thanked him, and sat down on one of the many stone benches in the Gardens. I began to take out the contents. What I found: Three single dollar bills and a ten, two quarters and seven pennies, an Xbox 360 controller, Portal 2, a Deftones CD, a phone charger, an i Pod charger chord, a crushed cell phone, five bottlecaps, and MY IPOD!!!! My luck was finally turning for the better! I excitedly turned it on. Battery Low: Please Charge Scratch that. Equestria was just playing with me. I was starting to hate my time here. I can take getting beat up, But no music? That is my hell. Correction: This is my hell. My attention drifted from my dead iPod to my destroyed phone. "What happened to this?" I asked with a chuckle to make sure Bronze didn't think I was angry. Normally I would've been, but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be making any calls or texts anytime soon. Not that I had anyone to talk to. If you have any pity, I'll gladly take it now. (Place Pity Here). "It said slide to unlock, but no matter how many time Shining Armor slid it across the floor, it wouldn't unlock. So he got frustrated and broke it." He said sheepishly (Ha Sheepish Pony, never gets old) with a shrug. After he said this I almost fell over laughing, just imagining the scenario was fantastic. I really hope he tried to use it on bowling pins for some odd reason. I heard a voice yell "Jared! You ape bastard I can hear you! I'm Fucking coming!" and foot- I mean hoofsteps. Bronze snapped out of his peaceful trance and tensed up, ready for action. People-Horses-Fuck! Ponies were coming, and I had a pretty good idea of who they were. SHAIN Inkie and I were walking along the path towards the kitchen after finally deciding to leave our temporary paradise. We chatted idly about the gardens and about Inkie's life, her family, how things were going at the hospital, etc. I dodged any questions she asked about where I was from, not wanting to reveal anything until I could touch base with Jared and decide what exactly we wanted out of this unexpected (and possibly permanent) vacation to Equestria. We entered a section of the garden seemingly devoted to statues of famous or infamous ponies and other creatures of this world. I was so engrossed in looking at them I failed to notice the stray tree branch in my path and I very gracefully made a rapid descent to the ground. My body would've gotten really hurt, but luckily my face took the brunt of the fall. Ya know, cause it's selfless like that. "Hello dirt, long time no see." I mumbled under my breath as Inkie, trying in vain not to laugh, helped me up. "Thanks." I said, and cleaned myself off to continue the journey. As we were passing a noticably older statue of a Big Macintosh-sized pony with a swirling, star encrusted wizard's hat and long, flowing beard, I suddenly heard laughter. Not just any laughter, I recognized this laughter. After all, it was the last thing I heard before our car collided head on with an eighteen wheeler on the freeway. "Jared! You ape bastard I can hear you! I'm Fucking coming!" I shouted as I ran off the path and through the woods toward the sound. Inkie called after me but her words were whipped away by the wind around me as I charged haphazardly through the forest. I rounded the last tree at full speed and (very gracefully again) tripped over a root, this time digging a solid four inch long trench in the ground with my horn. "We meet again." I whispered, before looking up to see Jared and a bronze-armored gaurd pony sitting on a park bench, staring at me. JARED "Great form, but you need to work on your landing, I'll give you a six." I said looking down upon a collapsed orange and blue unicorn. Shain. "Screw you, man." He muttered as he picked himself up. "Screw? I thought only like twelve year olds said that or something." I smirked. "I'm trying not to cuss in front of the ponies." He said, motioning his head towards a black maned gray pony that had just run up next to him. "Yeah, I kinda already fucked that up." I recieved a glare for this one. Worth it. "So who's this? Wait, I know you! You're the one with the marephine! Got any more?" Marephine, still not getting over that. "Of course you'd remember her by that." Shain deadpanned. I was suprised by how easily I was accepting the fact that he was a pony. Maybe it's just cause crazy shit happens to me and the fact that I never thought it would happen caused it to happen. Maybe all this isn't even real. Am I in the Matrix? Or am I out of it? Fuck it, he's a pony, I'm not, that how things are. Not gonna question it anymore. "I'm Inkie Pie! And I can't give you any more marephine, or the side effects would kick in. The princesses wouldn't be very happy with me if your heart stopped!" She responded excitedly. Too excitedly. Oh my God that voice would get annoying fast. Note to self: Adress Inkie as little as possible. P.S. Too much marephine = bad things. "Nice to meet you. Shain, this is Bronze Shield. He's a pretty cool dude." Shain reached out to Bro Hoof Bronze. He looked casual but I could tell he was about to explode with all the pony awesomeness his brain was receiveing. "So have you come up with a pony name yet?" I asked. I couldn't wait to hear this. I bet he spent the whole time he was here thinking about it. It would be the best pony name ever! "Oh %@#$^@$%&@#$%@#^&" He yelled. I was impressed. I can't even pronounce dollar signs, let alone number signs. He was taking the self censorship really far. SHAIN "Oh %@#$^@$%&@#$%@#^&" I yelled. I then proceeded to cough like crazy with my head down. Pronouncing that many dollar signs and number signs really took it out of me. "I didn't even think about that!" My voice cracked a little coming out of that coughing fit. I needed to think of a pony name, and fast. It was hard because my mind was still reeling from the glee that bro hoofing bronze shield had given me. Hmmm... I was orange with a blue mane... Florida Gator? No... what's a good name for a human-turned-unicorn that likes monocles? Monocle Sparkle? Fuck this is hard. "I can't think of anything." i said, defeated. "How do you not know your name?" Bronze Shield asked. "Also how are you on a first name basis with an alien? That'd be good to know." Inkie nodded agreement and looked at me. Shit. Forgot they don't know anything about me and Jared. "Uh....." i trailed off, "Jared, you got this one?" "Nope!" "Fuck you." God i hated that shit eating grin he had on right now. "Right, Inkie, Bronze Shield, here's what I know happened up to this point...." JARED "Nope!" I exclaimed with glee. "Fuck you." I wanted to tell him that he just cussed in front of the ponies, but it was story time! He glossed over the not so important parts like the reason we borrowed the car, or when we got Taco Bell. Then he got to the part where I kill him. "Hey! This is the part where I kill you!" "You killed yourself too, dumbass." "That makes my K/D 2 and 1, can you say the same?" "No cause I didn't kill any....wait 2 and 1?" ....oops. "Nothing." Shain paused. "You know what? I don't wanna know. Anyway, while I was driving the car, the thing that goes really fast, Jared here covered my eyes." I laughed at the memory, good times....good times. Shain glared at me. "What?" "Are you gonna let me fucking finish?" "Uhhh maybe." "I hate you." "Hate's a strong word." "I know." The ponies looked so confused. It was ADORABLE. "He took his hand of my face right before we hit a really really really big car called a semi truck. And how we got here after that, no idea. You two know the rest, me hospital, Jared jail. Sooooo yeah." He stared me down during the truck part. Was he mad? Nahhhhhhhhh. Inkie Pie looked deep in thought. Finally she said "You aren't very smart are you?" I laughed. "Nope, not at all." Chapter 6: Chapter 6JARED "Oh I loved that delightful little story, do tell another!" A slightly mischievious voice exclaimed from right behind me. I'll admit, it startled me. I fell backwards and flailed all my limbs around and made a primal sound from deep in my throat. What the fuck?! That didn't sound like any of the present company....oh... oh shit. Oh shit!!!! Everyone's favorite draconequus was sitting cross-legged next to me smiling like a maniac. It was creepy man. Like I havent seen a smile like that since I saw Alice in Wonderland, or I went downtown and saw a crackhead. Choose whichever fits your fancy. Bronze sprung into action. It was crazy watching him go into super guard mode. "DISCORD!" He yelled loud enough to alert the other guards. A siren sounded. I saw Shain with a smile even bigger than Discord's, giddy as a pedophile in a Chuck E Cheese. Inkie looked terrified. Bronze tried to tackle the draconequus but he disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was so FUCKING COOL! He appeared before me. "Ah finally a fresh face around here!" Discord proclaimed. "How are you my good sir?" "I'm pretty shitty." I shrugged. It was true. I'd been beat to hell a couple times, drugged up, beat again. My clothes were rags now and I felt digusting. As an alien I didn't have the right to shower. Fucking fascists, man. Occupy Equestria! "Well let's see what we can do about that!" He snapped and all of the sudden I was in a tux and a tophat...with a monocle. I gotta hand it to him, Discord's got swag. "No, no, that won't do." He snapped again and I was back in my previous clothes, but these were pressed and clean. And what was this? I was clean too! So far Discord had treated me better than Equestria had. The monocle remained. You should've seen the jealousy on Shain's face. Maybe it was cause Discord was giving me the royal treatment; more likely it was because I had a monocle. "Why are you doing this?" I asked suspiciously. Yeah NOW I'm suspicious. Cause nothing before that could be taken as odd. The ponies were all stupefied. "Ah because you and your friend there, that's right I haven't forgotten you, have caused enough chaos and mischief to release me!" He snapped and Shain had a brand new, fancy blue monocle. It was beautiful. He was speechless.....what the fuck?! Shain! Wait for you're part man! "But they gotta know how beautiful it was!" I'll be right back folks. "Ow! Fuck, man, alright I'll leave now, Christ!" Fuckin right! Anyway, he was speechless. "It's only good manners that I reward you! I'm afraid I must leave now, as I have much business to attend to. But I'm sure we'll all be reunited very soon!" And POOF he was gone. As the smoke cleared I saw all of the Canterlot guard around me, and a very angry Celestia and Luna. I got some 'splainin' to do... SHAIN When the smoke cleared from Discord's rather poofy escape, i got a chance to look around. Surrounding Jared, Inkie, Bronze, and I were approximately 30 Canterlot guards as well as the princesses themselves looking like someone had just pitched them an ad about horn enlargement. ...they were mad. You all got that, right? I started gushing to everyone present. "Did you all see that shit!?! He was all like POOF 'here's a monocle' then was all like 'peace out bitches' and just POOFED out of here again. Inkie, sorry but you got competition for best pony." Celestia obviously wasn't as appreciative of the dragon-mutant swag that Discord possessed. "WHAT IS GOING ON?" She shouted in the RCV (royal canterlot voice). "HOW IS DISCORD OUT OF HIS STONE PRISON?" Luna looked just as pissed, though seemed surprised and a little ticked to have her trademarked method of speaking used by her sister. Haha Luna's style got jacked. The only un-monocled eye i had rolled back in my head from the force of her thu'um, as everypony + Jared simultaneously got the same slicked-back hairstyle. "Geez Princess," Jared stated. "I know caps lock is cruise control for awesome, but even cruise control needs to be steered sometimes." The voice came from his new home under the park bench. Apparently bi-pedals are a lot easier to knock back with a shout than quadrupeds. Another reason i'm glad i got turned into a pony. "I apologize for my temper." Celestia said at a much more civilized volume. "But the question still stands; what is discord doing out of his detainment?" "Being awesome, obviously." I stated. Jared nodded vigorously in agreement from under the bench. "He got me my monocle back, and Jared got one too. I really don't see the problem here." My voice had gotten much more statesmanlike since i had gotten my monocle back. It's like someone flicked the switch in my brain to classy as FUCK and hired the royal family to hold it there. "It's a problem because Discord is an enemy of Equestria!" Luna said testily. "He tried, and almost succeeded in seizing the throne twice and he's is supposed to be locked in stone!" "So the way I see it you all are 2 and 0. You beat him before, you can do it again. In the meantime what's the worst that could happen?" My question was immediately answered by a spider wearing a top hat that ran into the circle of guards and started tap dancing, while singing a song: This is your singing telegram, we hope it finds you well Discord is free once again and raising lots of hell Of what he has planned, you all are quite right Discord is cooking you all up quite a fright The authors are quite high Jared is an awesome guy "Okay dude I cant do this" "C'mon man! It's a musical number! just go with it" "Get out of my story!" "Nope!" I'll tell them about that one time at band ca- "Okay okay shit! Back to the song." "Damn right." That argument was rather odd, Discord's gonna rule Equestria again* Yes it's true, he's got a huge bag of tricks So don't be surprised when you're sucking some... Lollipops The spider finished it's dance with a knee-slide while strumming an air guitar. It then got up, dusted itself off, and scuttled away like nothing happened. *Musical spider does not need your petty human rhyming. JARED I wanted to sleep under the park bench, like I have many times before, but now was not a time for sleep. I got out from under the classy lawn furniture. "Eh, i expected more from a dancing spider, his footwork was kinda off." I shrugged. "Oh c'mon it was pretty good dude.." Shain exclaimed. "I expect better servants from a God of Chaos...Why am I wearing this thing?" I threw the monocle onto the ground and crushed it underneath my size 13 nikes..... *INTERMISSION* Sorry, needed some light hearted organ music to relax and get back into the swing., it's hard to write with fucking Forrest Gump in the room. Self control and a nice drink saved my friends life just now... back to the story. Shain gasped, I had broken another monocle....boy, it felt gooooooooooood! "YOU MONSTER!!!" He screamed, charging at me, his horn pointed towards my gut. "COME AT ME BITCH!" I shouted, preparing to battle. "STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!" I felt a warm fuzzy feeling cover me....fuck Celestia was levitating me and Shain in the air. "We have more problems than stupid eyewear." Shain opened his mouth, but I shot him a look and he held his toungue, literally, really weird to see man. "YOU have caused all this chaos and released Discord," Oh cool she was looking at me, this'll end well."You will be punished for your crimes against Equestria. Severely..." If this was say.... Texas I would've been worried, but I was in motherfuckin Equestria! Land of ponies and harmony and happiness! The punishments I imagined were along the lines of: Jailtime: Awesome muscles, Street cred, lots of deep thinkin, no problem Hard labor: One of the few things I'm good at, along with pissing off my friends, texas hold em, and knitting Banishment...To the MOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNAAAH: This would be fantastic SPPAAACCCEEE! So the way I saw it, whatever she gave me was gonna be a piece of cake. "I sentence this alien to death!" Oh...okay. She didn't have to use the RCV there but that's cool....wait did she say death? Damn. I looked at Shain, he looked worried. I tried to keep my face expressionless and take it like a man. Suprisingly, I was doing pretty well. I wondered if I'd go to heaven or something like that. Probably hell though. Bronze looked pleadingly at Luna, but she just shook her head. "Guards, take this monster to the executioner." she said sadly. The walk to where they were taking me wasn't very long. It was silent. The executioner had the stereotypical bag-with-two-holes-in-it hood on. He stood next to what looked like a guillotine, I'm just glad it was nothing with fire. Like i'd rather die being torn apart limb from limb. The concept of being burned just...frightens me. As i was thinking this the blade of the guillotine lit up with flames. I laughed nervously at how my luck was working out. "Well this is it." I chuckled. "Put your head here." The executioner said. I listened to him, i got on my knees and bent down to where my neck was underneath the shiny blade. It looked like it had never been used. probably hadn't been. I closed my eyes. Some people say that their lives flash before their eyes before they die. That wasn't my case. All that came to my mind was what if it hurt? What if it REALLY hurt? Oh shit it was gonna hurt, wasn't it? Not the bravest thoughts to leave with but whatever man, let's see you get guillotined.... This is Jared signing off. THE END Nah not really. I was falling, I looked down and I was falling down A HUGE FUCKING CANYON. Being afraid of heights/ falling, I said something along the lines of "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS FART TURD TWAT. COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS...." and splat. I gasped, I was back with all of the ponies. Holy shit what happened? I saw that bitch celestia. "Do NOT do that EVER again!" I screamed with all the fear and rage that had built up during my fall. Just one notch below the RCV, normally I'd take the time to celebrate but I was in RAGE METER: ERROR 3RR0R 3Rar ERR0r "What is this?!" She cried. "I don't fucking know!" "Dude, what are you talking about?!" Shain asked confused. "This!" I walked over to him and snapped his neck....yeah a lil brutal but hey, I was freaking out!! all the ponies gasped. a second later shain popped up in front of me, still screaming. "-UUUUUUUUUUCK! Why did you do that!" He tackled me swinging left and right before I threw him off of me. Looks like we have a new development here folks.
Chapter 1: Waking UpWe originally wanted to have the two main characters in different colored fonts, but we couldn't find a way to do this on this site. If anyone could us any help with this, we would be very grateful. So with this im putting the names of the characters in all caps before this section. The story won't remain switching back and forth constanty, just for this first chapter.. JARED I just woke up from the weirdest dream. My buddy Shain and I borrowed his sister’s car. We took it on a little joyride. We crashed…I swear it was all Shain’s fault. Oh, by the way, you’re reading a story (No shit) and I’m the main character. Just call me Jared. All that other boring crap about me that you don’t wanna know is gonna be coming up later. Don’t worry your pretty little head about me. Anyway, back to the story. I’m usually a pretty nice guy…. but fuck mornings. I hate them. With a passion. It’s like coming out of a coma for me, I have no idea where the hell I am and my mind is so slow I’m legally retarded when for the first hour or two. This being said, I woke up to the sound of birds singing, fuck those birds. I felt grass on my arms and the back of my neck, fuck that grass. Woah, maybe it’s cause I just woke up but everything looks so………cartoonish? I rolled over wondering how the hell I got in the grass. I saw an orange and blue unicorn with a monocle…..monocle? Did I fuck a pony? I’m in Equestria? Am I a pony? No…. FUCK! I decided to wake up the sleeping unicorn next to me. SHAIN I was in the middle of the strangest dream. My friend Jared and I had blatantly stolen my sister’s car and tested its mettle on the suburban streets of Kentucky. Jared distracted me and a viscous crash ensued. Also, if you haven’t noticed already, you’re reading a story about ponies on the internet and I’m the main character. My friends call me Shain and that’s all you need to know so far. Now back to the present: Mornings are not fun times for me. Waking up for me is less like a refreshing resurgence to consciousness and more like a newborn orc clawing its way out of an egg sac. I flailed and cursed as I was unceremoniously jolted from my dreams into the violence of my current surroundings. There was a dull pounding in my skull and I felt a consistent nudging on my right shoulder. As I opened my eyes, a violent orgy of pastel colors assaulted my retinas, causing the dull pounding to accelerate into a sharp, piercing agony. My only cognizant thought was “FLYING FUCK BALLS OF ZEUS!” JARED The monocled pony shrieked something about Zeus’s balls. I put my hands over my ears and politely asked it to adjust its volume. It rolled over and I used my flawless ninja skills to avoid the sharp horn that was coming for my face. I had the faintest idea to smack the pony, but I thought about that horn and decided against it. The unicorn shook its head and looked at me. I asked it, “Hey uh did we, you know, uhhhhh,” possible bestiality is something really hard to own up to, believe it or not. The unicorn suddenly showed a gleam in its eyes. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” it asked as it rubbed his hoof suggestively on my arm. HIS HOOF? God, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but please please please let this be a dream, I’m not gonna promise you anything. You know how it worked out last time…..Right! Story! The unicorn gasped as it saw its hoof. Then it started laughing with delight. Great it was crazy to. I’m a gay, insane pony fucker (I’m not insane, the ponies are. Not much better….). It squealed, loud. I reminded it of what I said about volume control. SHAIN I looked up at the cause of this morning’s pain and saw none other than my friend/murderer Jared standing over me with hands pressed against his wounded eardrums. “Shut the fuck up!” he yelled. The effect was somewhat diminished by the voice crack over the u in fuck but worked anyway. I stopped making noise immediately and looked up at him expectantly. He looked confused “Hey uh did we, you know, uhhhhh,” he stammered awkwardly. I soon realized he must not remember what happened last night and, waking up next to me, might have assumed the worst. A golden opportunity for trolling was before me and I wasn’t about to pass it up for something as paltry as ‘self-respect’. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” I asked in a sultry voice. I reached my hoof out to rub his arm suggestively and WAIT… did I just say hoof? My eyes widened from their half-lidded seductive stare as the revelation dawned on me. I have a hoof. The statement echoed in my mind hypnotically. I HAVE A HOOF I HAVE A HOOF I HAVE A HOOF. Not just any hoof, but a solid orange one. I looked down at the rest of my body. Only it wasn’t my body that I saw. Instead, there was an undoubtedly equine form connected to my head, complete with backwards knees on the hind legs and a colorful blue tail. I stood up (on four hooves) and walked to a nearby stream. A grin broke across my face as my eyes verified what I already knew. I am a pony. My reflection was that an orange unicorn stallion with a cheeky grin sporting a classy blue-tinted monocle. The grin grew into a maniacal smile as the realization dawned on me. I did the only thing that made sense – I started laughing uncontrollably. The louder I laughed, the more uncomfortable he seemed to get until finally… “What the flying fuck is so funny?” he groaned tiredly. I could see what little composure he had melting under my joy. In between gasps and laughing fits I managed to squeak out one sentence:“*giggle* I’m a pony HAHAHAHA *gasp*HAHAHAHA” JARED “What the flying fuck is so funny?” I ask, trying not to release my aggression and the cackling unicorn in front of me. It giggled and gasped for quite a while…..RAGE METER: Fists clenched. Finally it said “I’m a pony.” “I….I can see that, man.” I sighed. Ah shit here come the dudes and mans. Can’t go long without using either. It’s a hard habit to break. Not that I really want to. He just kept giggling. I fucking hate giggling. It’s just too damn bubbly. If I ever giggle, I want to be shot instantly. Right between the eyes. NO QUESTIONS. This little giggling motherfucker was ruining the fact that I may or may not be in Equestria. I will hate him forever for this. Usually I’m more mellow and calm, but man….this is too much. I’m in a cartoony world, field-type thing, most likely Equestria. That alone tore down half my wall of composure. Then the fact that there was a lunatic pony taunting me… AND I’M NOT A PONY. That last one really hurt. I wanted it so bad….I needed some happiness like that dude. And then this next thing happened: RAGE METER: Head Pounding, Fists shaking. I rarely act on impulse, but this monocled fuck pushed me way too early in the morning. A deadly mistake. I snatched the monocle from his gleeful face and threw the piece of glass into the nearby forest. I heard the most beautiful crunch I had ever heard in my entire life that sent joy into every cell of my body. I was happy. My brief moment of ecstacy was interrupted by hoofs hitting my stomach and chest. Thank God this pony was too short to reach my face. The bright orange unicorn was screaming and shouting obscenities that I will never ever repeat. The world can’t be exposed to such vile words of pure fury and hate. HOLY FUCK HOOVES HURT! JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!!!! SHAIN I was lost in pony euphoria. A feeling of total ecstasy was riding my psyche like a sexy angel with a coke problem. I was vaguely aware that I was trotting and jumping (teehee trotting) in circles around my companion. His fists were clenched and his entire body was taut like a bow string, but any curiosity as to why was quickly trampled under the wave of mental stimulation that was my ponydom. Suddenly, my monocle was ripped from my face. I stopped my celebration and looked over just in time to see the bastard hurl it into the woods with a righteous fury. For a split second it hung suspended in the air, drifting and glinting lazily in the sun’s rays. It was beautiful in a twisted sort of way. All was still…. and then I heard the glass shatter. After that, something vital in my psyche got fucked sideways and all self-control I had had previously was blown old-faithful style out my ass. He didn’t even see me coming. I turned and put all my weight onto my front hooves. At the same time I raised my back legs in a textbook example of an ancient pony martial arts form; the BUCK. My back hooves flew straight and true into the taller creature’s stomach and chest. I like to imagine I felt something vital collapse inside him. I know I heard something snap, but maybe that was just my sanity. Now I wasn’t sure of much in this new world. Trans-dimensional travel tends to shake your foundations a little, you see. Despite this there was still one thing I knew in my heart: aint nobody fuck with my monocle. AINT NOBODY. JARED MY FUCKING RIB!!!!!! THE FOUR LEGGED FUCK BROKE MY RIBBED!!!! I gasped for air. I remembered that this was a pony and I had to be gentle. The unicorn giggled. RAGE METER: …….run. I slowly picked it up by the mane and began to shake it. Hard. I laughed as it yelped; it knew what pain was.. The moment was short lived. It proceeded to KICK ME IN MY BALLS REPEATEDLY, ENSURING STERILITY. My vision went black. I opened my eyes to see my hands around the orange (slowly turning blue) pony gasping and struggling for air. I considered relenting, but I felt a sick feeling in my stomach reminding me of the probable permanent damage to my genitals. This was going to be great. I was about to finish him when I heard the smallest voice. “Hi…um... excuse me….. but…. uh….I think that…. you’re hurting him… and I was wondering if you could….” “STOP!” not as small... I turn just in time to see the rainbow hit me. I look up and see a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. The pain was too great at this point…. Getting sleepy….. this grass is nice…….. Nighty night. SHAIN A small giggle escaped from my mouth as I stepped back from my victim. Before I could react or even realize the gravity of the mistake I’d made. I felt myself rudely yanked into the air by my mane and shaken like a hamster in a washing machine. I knew what pain was. My feeble attempts at releasing from his grip got no results. I missed my thumbs already. Then I remembered the monocle. The best part about my new body so far had just been shattered in the woods like it was nothing. I was in mourning. It felt like I had lost a dear friend and I was pissed. The power of my rage was legendary. I felt the unlocked potential of God and hell at my hooftips, my vision narrowed as I felt it take control. The fury threatened to eclipse my willpower and come bubbling out like the lifeblood of an exploded oil rig seeping into the ocean. This may sound arrogant, but I made that anger my bitch. Instead of losing control and striking blindly, I maintained focus and directed every ounce of righteous fury I had into my forelegs that, in turn, directed that energy at his weak human testicles. Again. And again. And again. He cried out in agony, it was sweet music to me. Then Jared lunged at me and wrapped his hands around my equine throat. I let him do this as a ploy for him to let down his guard. Just when I was about to finish him I heard the most delicate voice: “Hi…um... excuse me….. but…. uh….I think that…. you’re hurting him… and I was wondering if you could….” Then one not so delicate: “STOP!” I see a rainbow blur streak in from the corner of my eye. It collided with Jared and I was very rudely tossed into the air by the splash damage of the colorful mortar shell. From my new home on the ground, I witnessed the form of my human enemy LAID THE FUCK OUT by a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail. “Lucky bastard… *ahack*” That’s all I manage to say before I black out.
Chapter 2: Waking Up.......AgainJARED I woke up but kept my eyes closed. My internal clock told me it was night time (best time!). This brought a small smile to my lips. I inhaled. Bad bad bad idea. It felt like I got stabbed in the chest with a rusty butterknife. Then I remembered ........ FUCK. This is REAL! Getting my ass whooped by a pony and a rainbow was REAL! The wounds to my chest and balls were REAL! So I decided to go with the most cliche/probable thing: the car crash dream was real and I was dead. I wondered what happened to Shain. Was he here too? Did he die like I did? I hope he's okay, I'd just feel awful if he got hurt because of me. Speaking of guilt, I was a real asshole to that unicorn. I probably should've just walked away instead of throwing away his monocle and shaking him like a hamster in a washing machine....what can I say? Mornings man. My fucking worst enemy. It's kinda like a Jeckyl/Hyde thing for me. Now that it's night im much more... what's the word?.....sane, no .... cheery, oh hell no ..... mildly content and rational? There we go! Now you must be noticing I took the whole dead thing pretty well. It's kinda because I frankly didn't give a shit. Nope not gonna sob. Not gonna say I was too tired or lazy. I'm just gonna outright say I was tired of getting up in the morning. No I'm not gonna tell you why, so make up whatever fucked up crazy back story and emotional baggage you want. I groaned and (carefully) sat upright. I saw vertical bars and a very stern looking guard pony looking at me. He was brown and was wearing the royal armor. To my dissappointment, the armor covered his cutie mark "Good, you're awake. We'll begin your interrogation shortly," he said. Fuck me, man...... SHAIN I came back to consciousness one sense at a time. First, my hearing returned. I could hear a steady beeping, like that of a heart rate monitor, off to my left, and someone snoring softly to my right. I HATE it when people snore. Most people just accept it because "Hey, they're asleep and they cant help it" but FUCK THAT. It should never be socially acceptable to make that kind of noise when other people are around, it's disgusting. As my brain pondered the depraved and despicable practice of snoring, my other senses gradually came to. I could feel a soft bed underneath me and a bright light was trying in vain to get past my eyelids and into my retinas. Do ponies have retinas? Maybe they do, but they're bound to be more sensitive because of how huge pony eyes are. The concept of being violently blinded by a stray light beam suddenly terrified me and I instinctively raised my hooves to my face to shield myself from any light related weaponry that might be aimed at me (waking up makes me stupid like that). Then I remembered: I raised my hooves. Not hands, but real, orange, marshmallowey, dexterous, honest-to-Celestia FUCKING HOOVES. I smiled a now familiar crazy smile as I opened my eyes and looked at them. I'm a pony. I thought to myself. I saw three white walls around me, and lots of fancy-looking medical machinery stationed around the hospital bed I now realized I was in. The wall directly across from me held a door and a long window with blinds in it, blocking my view. Looking to my right, I saw a long curtain drawn across the center of the room. The snoring was coming from behind it. My glee was interrupted as I recalled what happened to my friend, myself, and most importantly, my monocle. There's no time to mourn now, I thought, soon I'll hold a proper ceremony, for now I'll just figure out where I am. JARED "Soooooo..... What's your name?" I asked as pleasantly as I could. Apparently Celestia requested that she and Luna both be there during the interrogation. But they're busy. So I had spent some of my time working on my prison body.....that was really fucking painful because of my rib and balls * )': * injuries, so I kinda just sat there and stared at the wall and thought about stuff. That got boring too, and I figured since it looked like we were going to be together for a while, I might as well get to learn who was guarding me. He insisted on asking the questions instead. We got through the whole 'What are you?' thing pretty quick. turns out he wasn't very inquisitive, which was great for me. As you've read, I dont like talking about personal stuff. I liked this guy, I mean pony.....you know what I mean. "Enough about me, what about you? You never told me your name," I said. "I was ordered not to give you any personal information," he stated firmly. "C'mon, knowing your name won't do any damage, right?" "I guess not..." he sighed, "I'm Bronze Shield. But that's all you need to know....." SHAIN "Uuuuuh hello?" I said to the machines around me. Just then there was a shuffling from behind the curtain and a gray-coated earth pony mare with a straightened, darker gray mane walked out, carrying a clipboard in her teeth. "Ah! you woke up!" she exclaimed in a bubbly, almost annoying sort of voice. "We were really worried for a while there, you had several fractured ribs and your scalp looked like somepony had picked you up by the mane and shook you like a hamster in a washing machine!" For a moment I was too stunned by the irony to respond. "Where am I?" my voice was subdued, like I had spent all night in a shouting contest with a tornado siren. "Why, you're in Canterlot's Huerta Memorial Hospital of course!" Voice......still......annoying.... "We have the best care in Equestria! Maybe even the whole galaxy!" "That's nice..." I said. How can she be so happy? I thought. Doesn't she know I'm in mourning here!? "Well now that you're awake we can call the nice guard ponies in here to ask you about the alien!" Annoyance.......reaching......capacity....so angry and... wait wuh? Dafuq did she just say about aliens? JARED "Well if you feel that way, you should tell her, Bronze," I said, trying to be comforting. It had been about thirty minutes and I knew his whole life story. It tends to happen to me alot. Just something about me says "Hey, you can vent to me!" Anyway, he had just told me about this unicorn mare who had started to frequent the Royal Palace lately. He had taken quite an interest in her,but didn't think she would like him because he was a "simple guardpony". "But she's so much better than me," he said dismally. "Don't think that way, man" "Man?" "Oh uh it's a pronoun, like the word 'you'. It's a term of seriousness/endearment/friendship/stress/pity-" "So you use it for everything." Bronze deadpanned. "Pretty much, but thats not important right now. Bronze, you guard the princessess. That's an important job. And they would only have the best for a job so important, right?" "Yeah....Yeah, you're right!" he grinned. "There you go, man!" I chuckled, happy to see him happy. I worked my way over to the small mattress over in the corner of my cell. Pretty comfy, to my suprise. You're probably wondering where the asshole from chapter one is, he'll be back (PonyCrusher II, Coming this Fall). But for now I was Dr. Jared, Pony Therapist. The thought gave me a short laugh before I closed my eyes. "Goodnight, Bronze. See you in the morning...." SHAIN "Dafuq did you just say about aliens?" I asked, my voice suddenly getting stronger. "Oh yes, don't you remember? You were attacked by a big alien looking thing! Maybe the Marephine we gave you was too strong after all." My brain stalled for a few seconds. Marephine............................ oh. Haha. That's just fucking hilarious. "I don't think that's it ma'am, I remember everything just fine." "Well that's dandy! We'll have you fixed up and ready to go real soon after the nice guard ponies are done with you! let me just go get them now." She started walking out the door into the hallway when I stopped her. "Excuse me but, what was your name?" She looked back with a smile "Inkie, Inkie Pie."
Chapter 3: Jello and SedativesJARED RAGE METER: ERROR! File 401 'reason.exe' not found The sun shined through the barred window. RIGHT INTO MY GOD DAMNED EYES. MY RIBS FELT LIKE THEY WERE ON FIRE UNDERNEATH MY SKIN. AND THEN THERE WERE THE TWO MOTHERFUCKERS WHO I HAD BEEN WAITING ON THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME, CELESTIA AND LUNA, WERE LOOKING DOWN ON ME. I lept up and sprinted through the cell door those two stupid shits left open. I knocked over three guards and made it about 20 yards before I was unceremoniously pinned against the nearest stone wall. I could tell by the golden glow surrounding me it was that bitch Celestia who had me pinned. Fuck her. She walked up to me and looked at me. She looked disappointed.....damn that kinda hurt. Weird. She slowly shook her head as if she was ashamed that I was acting that way (Ouch again). "Nurse Pie, please administer the sedative." Sedative?! SHAIN Things were good right now. like really good. The sun was shining through the big hospital windows, they gave me more marephine, Jared probably wasn't going to be executed, and they brought me jello! I fucking love jello. If jello was a burrito, it would be a very good burrito. Does that make sense? Fuck logic i have jello. But wait... isn't jello made from... horse hooves? HOLY FUCK CUPCAKES MOMENT. I looked down at the hospital tray with creeping horror. Then i realized... oh wait, i don't care. I proceeded to slurp up the rest of the jello with my muzzle. feelsgoodman. So just to get you all caught up, this is what happened: after Inkie left, the gaurd ponies came in and asked me some questions about what happened. I tried to play dumb (derp derp pls dont kill alien herp wtfbbq) and they seemed to buy it. I asked if i could talk to him and they said that they'd go get him and bring him here if he was in a cooperative mood. That was an hour and a half ago. I started to wonder if i should be worried. "Nah.. he wouldn't attack the gaurds or nothin like that... right?" JARED Life........life was good, man. "I don't know what went wrong, Princess. Nopony's ever handled that much marephine before!" "It's okay Nurse Pie. You couldn't have known." "Yeeeeaaaaahahhh, don't beat yerself up, man. Ish not yer faults. Wait. Marephine? That shit's fuckin funny!" I slurred. "Man?" The Princesses, the nurse, and the guards all said in unison. "It's a term of endearment," Bronze Shield explained tiredly. "Broooooonze! Buddy! I fuckin love you man! Ya ask out that unicorn yet? Cause if you didn't Imma do it for ya!" I love Bronze! "Uhm not yet, but erm I'm working on it. Don't...don't do that. But thanks for the uh concern." He was so red man, you shoulda seen the look on his face. Priceless. "So thou hast spoken with it? We ordered you not to converse with this alien!" Luna barked. Hahaha...Barking ponies. "Uhm yes Luna. But but but.." He stammered. I had to save Bronze! "Hey hey hey.......hey. Don't be mad at Bronze! Ish not his fault! I......uh...I used my alien mindpowers to like brainwash him into telling me everything he knew about everything! Yeah that's it!" Not my best work, but damn these tranqs are the shit! "That makes you a threat to Equestria," Uh oh.....This was bad. "We will return shortly. Guards, stay here while we discuss our plan of action. Nurse, go back to your patients. Im sure this alien's victim needs some more help recuperating." Victim...? Im a threat? Once again: Fuck me man....... SHAIN "We're not ballin! We take it back to the days of yes y'all in', we holdin on to what's golden! On a stage I rage and im rollin!" God I love Jurassic Five. That shit is the golden assault rifle to my colombian drug lord. At this point I was still in my hospital bed, rollin on marephine and had just recently started singing all the 90s rap I knew. Just when I reached the second chorus, Inkie came back. "Inkie! You're best pony!" I yelled in my slurry drug speech. "Well thank you!" she replied, oddly undisturbed by my behavior. Actually, its not that odd ifIi think about it, she is the sister of the craziest, awesomest, pinkiest party pony ever. "I have good news too! That alien woke up and you can go see him now, if you're ready." "Yay! Jared gets pony visits! From me!" Marephine's a hell of a drug... "Umm okay then, come with me please." she said. I bounced along behind her as she trotted happily out of the hospital and through a courtyard. She led me to a large gray building with bars over the windows It really clashed with the peaceful garden surroundings and was totally unchill. The only good thing about it was the big letters over the front door that read: "Pony Prison of Equestria." "Ahaha it says P.P.E., thats funny somehow.. I think... why are we here again?" She wisely chose to ignore my rambling and led me inside. We trotted/bounced past a few guard ponies, through a long hallway and turned a corner. Just then... "YOU!!!!!" JARED "YOU!!!!" I scream. They brought the fucking orange and blue unicorn to me! Are they trying to kill him?! "NURSE!!!!!!! MORE TRANQUILIZER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yep. That was me yelling that. I didn't wanna hurt any.....Nah i just wanted to get more of that good floaty painless feeling. "We're out...He got the last of the marephine." The nurse said sheepishly. If I wasn't so pissed I would've enjoyed the concept of sheepish ponies. "This is getting worse and worse! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-" "Stop it this instant!" It was Celestia. "You've been acting like a monster this entire time and it is completely unbecoming of you! It is obvious you are intelligent, and Bronze Shield has told us about how you had a warm heart and open ear. So stop behaving like a mindless savage and control yourself!" "Warm heart and open ear? Who are you and what have you done with Jared!" The drugged pony slurred. Had to agree with him...wait did he just say my name? Still reeling from the heart shattering moment where Celestia told me off, I forgot all my anger towards him. "Y-you know my name?" "YEAAAAH man! It's me! Shain! I'm so glad you killed us in that car accident! This place is great! Have you tried the jello?! Shit's fantastic!" Celestia telling me off. My friend was a pony. They were out of drugs. . EQUESTRIA used SHOCK on JARED! It's super effective! JARED Fainted! SHAIN I didn't know what was going on.. Jared was yelling, guard ponies were holding him down, Celestia and Luna were in the room, and I had a random fucking song stuck in my head; I just met you, and this is craaaaazy. but here's my number! so call me maybe! Jesus fucking Zeus' balls with a red hot pogo stick I hate that song. But anyway, weren't ponies talking? Yea lets go back to that: "...you had a warm heart and open ear. So stop behaving like a mindless savage and control yourself!" Wait, that was Celestia.. talking to Jared? lucky bastard! I gotta get in on this. "Warm heart and open ear? Who are you and what have you done with Jared!" I slurred in my adorable drugged pony voice. I breifly started thinking about jello again, and how fucked up it is that ponies have it. "Y-you know my name?" he seemed surprised. Before i could think, the pony meds responded for me. "YEAAAAH man! It's me! Shain! I'm so glad you killed us in that car accident! This place is great! Have you tried the jello?! Shit's fantastic!" This seemed to be even more shocking to him. Everything I knew about human body language just screamed 'DOES NOT COMPUTE.' I ain't ashamed to say i giggled a little bit. Then he fainted.. rather anti climactic don't you think? srsly at least one of us has been fainting like every chapter. Overused plot device is overused teehee. I felt like I should do something to break the tension after the only non-pony in the room had fainted so I did the only thing I could do at the time; I dance partied.
Chapter 4: Good Titles Are Hard To Come ByJARED What the fuck? I was in a bed. An honest to goodness bed. This.....this was great. I slowly sat up and was suprised to feel that my previously injured rib was fine. I shook my head rapidly from side to side and felt my arms to see if it was just marephine or if my rib was actually okay. To my dissappointment, it wasn't marephine. There was a window across from my (still can't believe this) bed. What I saw was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon: the night time sky. The stars were so bright and spectacular, and the moon even more so. Even then, those words can be considered insults to how incredible it truly was. Then something rare happened, a smile of pure happiness and enjoyment appeared on my face. "WE SEE YOU ENJOY OUR NIGHT!!." The loudest fucking voice I had ever heard thundered throughout the room and RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING EARS. "Stop yelling! Don't hurt me! But if you do, send me to the moon! I've always wanted to go there!" I cried. "WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. BRONZE SHIELD REQUESTED TO SEE YOU!" "That's great! Really great! But please turn the volume down for the love of Christ!" "We will try to refrain from using the Royal Canterlot Voice for now," Luna said softly. Much better. "We are suprised you are not acting violent or threatening Us or anypony else." "Yeah, I'm not exactly a morning person....I'm more of a 'If you wake me up before eleven I will end you and everything you love type person'. Anyway, Bronze! What's up buddy?! How you doin?" While Luna seemed concerned and somewhat wary of me. As to why, I have no idea Bronze seemed to have just this atmosphere of joy around him that made me glad just being around him. "Well for one I'm glad to see you awake and well, man." Bronze replied. "Did you just call me 'man'?" FUCK YEAH! A pony just called me 'man' Best. Day. Ever. "Yes I did," He laughed, "So I asked out that mare...." He trailed off and sounded kinda sad/serious. He looked miserable. "Damn, man. I'm sorry." Broke my heart to see my buddy so sad. I felt bad for getting his hopes up for some reason. "She said she was insulted that I even bothered to waste her time..." He said, any joy from before gone from his voice. "Well if she's that stuck up, you don't even wanna be with her in the first place. Trust me, it does NOT end well." I hate stuck up chicks. And if you're reading this I mean you. Okay maybe not you, confused reader. Whatever man, fuck. They know who they are. "Alright, if you say so..." Bronze sighed. I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of the bed and walked up to Bronze and gave the poor guy a hug. Luna looked alarmed at first, but then sorta smiled and calmed down when she realized it was a hug and not a chokehold. "Thanks, Jared. You're a good friend." Luna looked...I don't know how to put this....like I passed a test. Probably did. Y'know cause I'm awesome like that. Speaking of friends: Shain's a fucking pony now!!!! Even more important: I was fucking hungry SHAIN I was suspended in space. Fucking space. The final frontier, the great beyond, whatever you wanna call it. All around me, the stars and galaxies glowed welcomingly against the deep black of the ether. I was in my pony form, of that much I was certain. But where I was, when i was; none of it mattered. The calming sound of low, smooth bass lines permeated the nothingness around me. It was total bliss. A small tear formed on my cheek; I wish the space core were here for this. Then a hoof hit me in the face. "GAHFUCKMESIDEWAYSWITHARUSTYSCYTHEONATUESDAY" I opened my eyes to see the same night sky I had been dreaming of, only this time I wasn't suspended in it. I could feel grass against my back and see the branches of trees above me. The full moon's rays glowed partially through the foliage and illuminated my attacker: one very bewildered Inkie Pie. She stared at me with wide eyes. "Hey now you're awake! Sorry about the kick, nothing else was working. Also wow man, that's the most creative cursing I've ever heard! Well done!" I don't know what surprised me more, the fact that the world didn't explode when I cursed in front of a pony or the fact that she just called me man. "Did you just call me man?" "Yep! I heard the alien use it and thought it sounded neat so there we go man!" I just stared for a few moments... "Okay." What? I don't have to question everything awesome that happens to me. "Soooo... what happened after the thing... with the human... in the place? The P.P.E.?" "Oh well after your friend passed out, you ran off to the royal gardens mumbling about space, something about dance partying too. I like parties! you should talk to my sister if you like parties, she is the Element of Laughter after all. But enough about that, We gotta get you back to the castle! Your friend wants to see you." That whole paragraph came out so quickly it sounded like one long, abused word. But I managed to understand it. I rolled onto my hooves and stood up, shaking the dew off of my coat as I did so. "Well okay then let's go!" JARED I was in the Royal Kitchen. And I was disappointed. The thing is...ponies don't eat meat. Yeah. That won't fly for long. Yeah eggs are alright, and I can always eat fruit. But I had to have a burger or chicken soon or else I'd....Ooooo they have strawberries! You shoulda heard the chef scream, man. *Five minutes later* "I've never seen anypony eat so many strawberries!" That was the Canterlot chef. He was a blue unicorn, kinda round, and he had a purple mane. His cutie mark was a fork and knife crossed. "Well I'm no pony." It hurt to speak I was so full. I went .MOV on those strawberries man. The chef stopped screaming a few minutes ago after Bronze and Luna had a lil chat. with him. "I can see that," Chef deadpanned. That's what I'm going to call him since I never learned his name. Oh hey I'm hungry again! "Got anything else?" I asked. "What?!" "Dude, I could eat a h-uh helicopter." Almost said horse there, phew. "Helicopter?" Luna asked. Bronze and Chef looked confused too. "It's an ani- I mean a really really really big fruit. bigger than I am." Almost said animal! Couldn't tell them about helicopters, didn't want some crazy Pendragon shit happening. And I didn't think they'd take kindly to me eating animals... "You can eat that much?" Chef asked incredulously. Right, see these ponies are pretty damn small. I mean I can make eye contact with Celestia and she's the tallest of all the ponies I've seen so far. So i guess eating something bigger than me meant some crazy shit to them. Anyway, Chef brought me some carrots a few minutes later. I took a bite of a particularly delicious looking one...and bit my fucking tongue! "FRUK," I shouted and got up violently. This scared the shit out of Chef and he proceeded to beat me with a rolling pin. I think he got seven hits in before Bronze pulled him off me. "Wut vuh fruk wuz tat?!" I yelled. I tasted pennies in my mouth. Blood. I spat it out. I think it scared everyone even more. "You sc-scared me," Chef stuttered. He was shaking with fear. Good. Damn Good. "Wuteva," I muttered before as I walked off before I shook Chef like a hamster in a washing machine. SHAIN "So Inkie, you're like, a nurse or something right?" I asked as I followed her through the Canterlot Gardens. "Yep! Chief Nursing Officer at Huerta Memorial hospital. That's what my cutie mark means!" I looked at her flank to see a drawing of a stethoscope draped around a red cross. How did I not notice that before? "Well that's cool......... Sooooo, what's it like being the sister of one of the Elements of Harmony?" My attempts at conversation were getting weaker. "It's not that big of a deal really. It's kinda funny, even though they saved Equestria twice, no one really treats them like celebrities. That's how they prefer it anyway." This was awesome, I was getting inside information about the mane six from Pinkie's sister. Honestly the only thing that could make this better would be a monoc... dammit now I'm sad again. She seemed to notice my change in mood as she suddenly stopped. "Hey.... don't be sad, I'm sure we can find you another monocle." I looked up suddenly. "How did you know that's what I was sad about?" "Oh I just have a sense about these things. I can just tell what's wrong with ponies. That's how I'm able to be such a good nurse!" Woah... Inkie sense. Does the rest of her family have a sixth sense too? This place just gets better and better. I hope Jared is having as much fun as me. JARED I was not having fun.
Chapter 5: The Part Where I Kill YouSHAIN It astounded me how peaceful the Canterlot Gardens were. The moonlight refracting off the waterfall danced across the walls of the small rock alclove and across the water, to the marsh grass surrounding the pool. I followed the waterfall with my eyes all the way up to the snow capped peaks; then back the other way to where the brook ended and the water was carried off the edge of the cliffside city. I sat on my haunches at the pond's edge, taking it all in. Several lightning bugs listed lazily just above the water, except, wait....... something was different about these bugs....... Holy Fuck.... they were every color of the rainbow. It was like some crazy awesome gay warlock with a god complex had given wings to skittles and told them to go be awesome. And they had responded with gusto. At my side was Inkie, also just taking in the sights and sounds of the night. I know I said she can be annoying sometimes, but I had to hand - fuck... hoof it to her; she knows how to stay quiet when it's important. Just sitting there, enjoying each others company reminded me of what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. "So where is Jared again?" I started quietly, turning to face her. It seemed almost like a crime to break the peaceful serenity surrounding this sacred place. Inkie turned to face me. "Last I heard, he was in the kitchen trying to find something not revolting for a human to eat. I'll take you there now if you want" she replied. So Jared was gettin food huh? Shit I just hope he knows enough not to ask for meat. That would be interesting. "We'll go soon, for now let's just enjoy this some more." Inkie murmured in agreement and we both turned back to the masterpiece that was Luna's night. JARED I lazily wandered my way into the Canterlot Gardens. I heard crickets quietly chirping away, creating a whitenoise that reminded me of a cool summer night. My mind was working through what had gone on recently. Equestria wasn't quite what I had hoped for, or expected for that matter. At least I made a friend, Bronze. He slowly walked along with me, the only sound he made was the soft clinking of his armor. It also helped to know Shain was here, somewhere. Once again my eyes drifted towards the sky; it's beautiful stars and celestial bodys almost put me in a trance. the silence was interrupted by my brown companion. "I almost forgot, here's your stuff." He handed me a large misshapen cloth bag. I was wondering why my pockets were empty. I took the bag, thanked him, and sat down on one of the many stone benches in the Gardens. I began to take out the contents. What I found: Three single dollar bills and a ten, two quarters and seven pennies, an Xbox 360 controller, Portal 2, a Deftones CD, a phone charger, an i Pod charger chord, a crushed cell phone, five bottlecaps, and MY IPOD!!!! My luck was finally turning for the better! I excitedly turned it on. Battery Low: Please Charge Scratch that. Equestria was just playing with me. I was starting to hate my time here. I can take getting beat up, But no music? That is my hell. Correction: This is my hell. My attention drifted from my dead iPod to my destroyed phone. "What happened to this?" I asked with a chuckle to make sure Bronze didn't think I was angry. Normally I would've been, but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be making any calls or texts anytime soon. Not that I had anyone to talk to. If you have any pity, I'll gladly take it now. (Place Pity Here). "It said slide to unlock, but no matter how many time Shining Armor slid it across the floor, it wouldn't unlock. So he got frustrated and broke it." He said sheepishly (Ha Sheepish Pony, never gets old) with a shrug. After he said this I almost fell over laughing, just imagining the scenario was fantastic. I really hope he tried to use it on bowling pins for some odd reason. I heard a voice yell "Jared! You ape bastard I can hear you! I'm Fucking coming!" and foot- I mean hoofsteps. Bronze snapped out of his peaceful trance and tensed up, ready for action. People-Horses-Fuck! Ponies were coming, and I had a pretty good idea of who they were. SHAIN Inkie and I were walking along the path towards the kitchen after finally deciding to leave our temporary paradise. We chatted idly about the gardens and about Inkie's life, her family, how things were going at the hospital, etc. I dodged any questions she asked about where I was from, not wanting to reveal anything until I could touch base with Jared and decide what exactly we wanted out of this unexpected (and possibly permanent) vacation to Equestria. We entered a section of the garden seemingly devoted to statues of famous or infamous ponies and other creatures of this world. I was so engrossed in looking at them I failed to notice the stray tree branch in my path and I very gracefully made a rapid descent to the ground. My body would've gotten really hurt, but luckily my face took the brunt of the fall. Ya know, cause it's selfless like that. "Hello dirt, long time no see." I mumbled under my breath as Inkie, trying in vain not to laugh, helped me up. "Thanks." I said, and cleaned myself off to continue the journey. As we were passing a noticably older statue of a Big Macintosh-sized pony with a swirling, star encrusted wizard's hat and long, flowing beard, I suddenly heard laughter. Not just any laughter, I recognized this laughter. After all, it was the last thing I heard before our car collided head on with an eighteen wheeler on the freeway. "Jared! You ape bastard I can hear you! I'm Fucking coming!" I shouted as I ran off the path and through the woods toward the sound. Inkie called after me but her words were whipped away by the wind around me as I charged haphazardly through the forest. I rounded the last tree at full speed and (very gracefully again) tripped over a root, this time digging a solid four inch long trench in the ground with my horn. "We meet again." I whispered, before looking up to see Jared and a bronze-armored gaurd pony sitting on a park bench, staring at me. JARED "Great form, but you need to work on your landing, I'll give you a six." I said looking down upon a collapsed orange and blue unicorn. Shain. "Screw you, man." He muttered as he picked himself up. "Screw? I thought only like twelve year olds said that or something." I smirked. "I'm trying not to cuss in front of the ponies." He said, motioning his head towards a black maned gray pony that had just run up next to him. "Yeah, I kinda already fucked that up." I recieved a glare for this one. Worth it. "So who's this? Wait, I know you! You're the one with the marephine! Got any more?" Marephine, still not getting over that. "Of course you'd remember her by that." Shain deadpanned. I was suprised by how easily I was accepting the fact that he was a pony. Maybe it's just cause crazy shit happens to me and the fact that I never thought it would happen caused it to happen. Maybe all this isn't even real. Am I in the Matrix? Or am I out of it? Fuck it, he's a pony, I'm not, that how things are. Not gonna question it anymore. "I'm Inkie Pie! And I can't give you any more marephine, or the side effects would kick in. The princesses wouldn't be very happy with me if your heart stopped!" She responded excitedly. Too excitedly. Oh my God that voice would get annoying fast. Note to self: Adress Inkie as little as possible. P.S. Too much marephine = bad things. "Nice to meet you. Shain, this is Bronze Shield. He's a pretty cool dude." Shain reached out to Bro Hoof Bronze. He looked casual but I could tell he was about to explode with all the pony awesomeness his brain was receiveing. "So have you come up with a pony name yet?" I asked. I couldn't wait to hear this. I bet he spent the whole time he was here thinking about it. It would be the best pony name ever! "Oh %@#$^@$%&@#$%@#^&" He yelled. I was impressed. I can't even pronounce dollar signs, let alone number signs. He was taking the self censorship really far. SHAIN "Oh %@#$^@$%&@#$%@#^&" I yelled. I then proceeded to cough like crazy with my head down. Pronouncing that many dollar signs and number signs really took it out of me. "I didn't even think about that!" My voice cracked a little coming out of that coughing fit. I needed to think of a pony name, and fast. It was hard because my mind was still reeling from the glee that bro hoofing bronze shield had given me. Hmmm... I was orange with a blue mane... Florida Gator? No... what's a good name for a human-turned-unicorn that likes monocles? Monocle Sparkle? Fuck this is hard. "I can't think of anything." i said, defeated. "How do you not know your name?" Bronze Shield asked. "Also how are you on a first name basis with an alien? That'd be good to know." Inkie nodded agreement and looked at me. Shit. Forgot they don't know anything about me and Jared. "Uh....." i trailed off, "Jared, you got this one?" "Nope!" "Fuck you." God i hated that shit eating grin he had on right now. "Right, Inkie, Bronze Shield, here's what I know happened up to this point...." JARED "Nope!" I exclaimed with glee. "Fuck you." I wanted to tell him that he just cussed in front of the ponies, but it was story time! He glossed over the not so important parts like the reason we borrowed the car, or when we got Taco Bell. Then he got to the part where I kill him. "Hey! This is the part where I kill you!" "You killed yourself too, dumbass." "That makes my K/D 2 and 1, can you say the same?" "No cause I didn't kill any....wait 2 and 1?" ....oops. "Nothing." Shain paused. "You know what? I don't wanna know. Anyway, while I was driving the car, the thing that goes really fast, Jared here covered my eyes." I laughed at the memory, good times....good times. Shain glared at me. "What?" "Are you gonna let me fucking finish?" "Uhhh maybe." "I hate you." "Hate's a strong word." "I know." The ponies looked so confused. It was ADORABLE. "He took his hand of my face right before we hit a really really really big car called a semi truck. And how we got here after that, no idea. You two know the rest, me hospital, Jared jail. Sooooo yeah." He stared me down during the truck part. Was he mad? Nahhhhhhhhh. Inkie Pie looked deep in thought. Finally she said "You aren't very smart are you?" I laughed. "Nope, not at all."
Chapter 6: Chapter 6JARED "Oh I loved that delightful little story, do tell another!" A slightly mischievious voice exclaimed from right behind me. I'll admit, it startled me. I fell backwards and flailed all my limbs around and made a primal sound from deep in my throat. What the fuck?! That didn't sound like any of the present company....oh... oh shit. Oh shit!!!! Everyone's favorite draconequus was sitting cross-legged next to me smiling like a maniac. It was creepy man. Like I havent seen a smile like that since I saw Alice in Wonderland, or I went downtown and saw a crackhead. Choose whichever fits your fancy. Bronze sprung into action. It was crazy watching him go into super guard mode. "DISCORD!" He yelled loud enough to alert the other guards. A siren sounded. I saw Shain with a smile even bigger than Discord's, giddy as a pedophile in a Chuck E Cheese. Inkie looked terrified. Bronze tried to tackle the draconequus but he disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was so FUCKING COOL! He appeared before me. "Ah finally a fresh face around here!" Discord proclaimed. "How are you my good sir?" "I'm pretty shitty." I shrugged. It was true. I'd been beat to hell a couple times, drugged up, beat again. My clothes were rags now and I felt digusting. As an alien I didn't have the right to shower. Fucking fascists, man. Occupy Equestria! "Well let's see what we can do about that!" He snapped and all of the sudden I was in a tux and a tophat...with a monocle. I gotta hand it to him, Discord's got swag. "No, no, that won't do." He snapped again and I was back in my previous clothes, but these were pressed and clean. And what was this? I was clean too! So far Discord had treated me better than Equestria had. The monocle remained. You should've seen the jealousy on Shain's face. Maybe it was cause Discord was giving me the royal treatment; more likely it was because I had a monocle. "Why are you doing this?" I asked suspiciously. Yeah NOW I'm suspicious. Cause nothing before that could be taken as odd. The ponies were all stupefied. "Ah because you and your friend there, that's right I haven't forgotten you, have caused enough chaos and mischief to release me!" He snapped and Shain had a brand new, fancy blue monocle. It was beautiful. He was speechless.....what the fuck?! Shain! Wait for you're part man! "But they gotta know how beautiful it was!" I'll be right back folks. "Ow! Fuck, man, alright I'll leave now, Christ!" Fuckin right! Anyway, he was speechless. "It's only good manners that I reward you! I'm afraid I must leave now, as I have much business to attend to. But I'm sure we'll all be reunited very soon!" And POOF he was gone. As the smoke cleared I saw all of the Canterlot guard around me, and a very angry Celestia and Luna. I got some 'splainin' to do... SHAIN When the smoke cleared from Discord's rather poofy escape, i got a chance to look around. Surrounding Jared, Inkie, Bronze, and I were approximately 30 Canterlot guards as well as the princesses themselves looking like someone had just pitched them an ad about horn enlargement. ...they were mad. You all got that, right? I started gushing to everyone present. "Did you all see that shit!?! He was all like POOF 'here's a monocle' then was all like 'peace out bitches' and just POOFED out of here again. Inkie, sorry but you got competition for best pony." Celestia obviously wasn't as appreciative of the dragon-mutant swag that Discord possessed. "WHAT IS GOING ON?" She shouted in the RCV (royal canterlot voice). "HOW IS DISCORD OUT OF HIS STONE PRISON?" Luna looked just as pissed, though seemed surprised and a little ticked to have her trademarked method of speaking used by her sister. Haha Luna's style got jacked. The only un-monocled eye i had rolled back in my head from the force of her thu'um, as everypony + Jared simultaneously got the same slicked-back hairstyle. "Geez Princess," Jared stated. "I know caps lock is cruise control for awesome, but even cruise control needs to be steered sometimes." The voice came from his new home under the park bench. Apparently bi-pedals are a lot easier to knock back with a shout than quadrupeds. Another reason i'm glad i got turned into a pony. "I apologize for my temper." Celestia said at a much more civilized volume. "But the question still stands; what is discord doing out of his detainment?" "Being awesome, obviously." I stated. Jared nodded vigorously in agreement from under the bench. "He got me my monocle back, and Jared got one too. I really don't see the problem here." My voice had gotten much more statesmanlike since i had gotten my monocle back. It's like someone flicked the switch in my brain to classy as FUCK and hired the royal family to hold it there. "It's a problem because Discord is an enemy of Equestria!" Luna said testily. "He tried, and almost succeeded in seizing the throne twice and he's is supposed to be locked in stone!" "So the way I see it you all are 2 and 0. You beat him before, you can do it again. In the meantime what's the worst that could happen?" My question was immediately answered by a spider wearing a top hat that ran into the circle of guards and started tap dancing, while singing a song: This is your singing telegram, we hope it finds you well Discord is free once again and raising lots of hell Of what he has planned, you all are quite right Discord is cooking you all up quite a fright The authors are quite high Jared is an awesome guy "Okay dude I cant do this" "C'mon man! It's a musical number! just go with it" "Get out of my story!" "Nope!" I'll tell them about that one time at band ca- "Okay okay shit! Back to the song." "Damn right." That argument was rather odd, Discord's gonna rule Equestria again* Yes it's true, he's got a huge bag of tricks So don't be surprised when you're sucking some... Lollipops The spider finished it's dance with a knee-slide while strumming an air guitar. It then got up, dusted itself off, and scuttled away like nothing happened. *Musical spider does not need your petty human rhyming. JARED I wanted to sleep under the park bench, like I have many times before, but now was not a time for sleep. I got out from under the classy lawn furniture. "Eh, i expected more from a dancing spider, his footwork was kinda off." I shrugged. "Oh c'mon it was pretty good dude.." Shain exclaimed. "I expect better servants from a God of Chaos...Why am I wearing this thing?" I threw the monocle onto the ground and crushed it underneath my size 13 nikes..... *INTERMISSION* Sorry, needed some light hearted organ music to relax and get back into the swing., it's hard to write with fucking Forrest Gump in the room. Self control and a nice drink saved my friends life just now... back to the story. Shain gasped, I had broken another monocle....boy, it felt gooooooooooood! "YOU MONSTER!!!" He screamed, charging at me, his horn pointed towards my gut. "COME AT ME BITCH!" I shouted, preparing to battle. "STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!" I felt a warm fuzzy feeling cover me....fuck Celestia was levitating me and Shain in the air. "We have more problems than stupid eyewear." Shain opened his mouth, but I shot him a look and he held his toungue, literally, really weird to see man. "YOU have caused all this chaos and released Discord," Oh cool she was looking at me, this'll end well."You will be punished for your crimes against Equestria. Severely..." If this was say.... Texas I would've been worried, but I was in motherfuckin Equestria! Land of ponies and harmony and happiness! The punishments I imagined were along the lines of: Jailtime: Awesome muscles, Street cred, lots of deep thinkin, no problem Hard labor: One of the few things I'm good at, along with pissing off my friends, texas hold em, and knitting Banishment...To the MOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNAAAH: This would be fantastic SPPAAACCCEEE! So the way I saw it, whatever she gave me was gonna be a piece of cake. "I sentence this alien to death!" Oh...okay. She didn't have to use the RCV there but that's cool....wait did she say death? Damn. I looked at Shain, he looked worried. I tried to keep my face expressionless and take it like a man. Suprisingly, I was doing pretty well. I wondered if I'd go to heaven or something like that. Probably hell though. Bronze looked pleadingly at Luna, but she just shook her head. "Guards, take this monster to the executioner." she said sadly. The walk to where they were taking me wasn't very long. It was silent. The executioner had the stereotypical bag-with-two-holes-in-it hood on. He stood next to what looked like a guillotine, I'm just glad it was nothing with fire. Like i'd rather die being torn apart limb from limb. The concept of being burned just...frightens me. As i was thinking this the blade of the guillotine lit up with flames. I laughed nervously at how my luck was working out. "Well this is it." I chuckled. "Put your head here." The executioner said. I listened to him, i got on my knees and bent down to where my neck was underneath the shiny blade. It looked like it had never been used. probably hadn't been. I closed my eyes. Some people say that their lives flash before their eyes before they die. That wasn't my case. All that came to my mind was what if it hurt? What if it REALLY hurt? Oh shit it was gonna hurt, wasn't it? Not the bravest thoughts to leave with but whatever man, let's see you get guillotined.... This is Jared signing off. THE END Nah not really. I was falling, I looked down and I was falling down A HUGE FUCKING CANYON. Being afraid of heights/ falling, I said something along the lines of "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS FART TURD TWAT. COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS...." and splat. I gasped, I was back with all of the ponies. Holy shit what happened? I saw that bitch celestia. "Do NOT do that EVER again!" I screamed with all the fear and rage that had built up during my fall. Just one notch below the RCV, normally I'd take the time to celebrate but I was in RAGE METER: ERROR 3RR0R 3Rar ERR0r "What is this?!" She cried. "I don't fucking know!" "Dude, what are you talking about?!" Shain asked confused. "This!" I walked over to him and snapped his neck....yeah a lil brutal but hey, I was freaking out!! all the ponies gasped. a second later shain popped up in front of me, still screaming. "-UUUUUUUUUUCK! Why did you do that!" He tackled me swinging left and right before I threw him off of me. Looks like we have a new development here folks.
