How Do You Manage To Go Downhill From THAT?
Equestria’s sun is not normal.
It’s hard to notice, at first. If you look at it, you see nothing but a regular star, a giant ball of hydrogen and hellfire. But first looks are deceiving. If you look a little harder, you’ll start to notice something. You can’t really put your finger on it for a couple minutes, but eventually, you see it.
It’s not about the star. It’s about what it does. Or rather, how it does it.
Equestria’s sun doesn’t orbit around a black hole, a galaxy, a bigger star, or, well, anything with a respectable amount of mass. No, Equestria’s sun orbits a planet.
Not even a giant planet, even. Sure, gas giants aren't exactly dense, but at least they look the part [1]. But instead, Equestria’s sun orbits a small rocky planet, completely disregarding the laws of physics and good taste. It’s just preposterous.
[1] Mass is widely accepted as the cosmic haute couture more or less everywhere.
It was not entirely the sun’s fault, though. As usual, the ponies were to blame.
The ponies—Equestrian ponies, Equus ferus caballus magicus, also known as “Lord Almighty did that thing just talk?”—were a small and wonderful species, full of kindness, good will, and intelligence.
Intelligence that was mostly defined by two statements: First, Mother Nature was wise. Second, ponies were wiser.
From the first moment, the ponies had looked around and seen that there was a fundamental flaw in the beautiful design of the world: it didn’t seem to favor ponies. Like, at all. So they rolled up their metaphorical sleeves, looked Mother Nature in her metaphorical eyes, and said “Yeeeeah, we’ll take care of this from now on”.
So down the drain went thermodynamics, hydrostatics, free will, and gravity. Enter magic, weather control, destiny, and a giant star mindlessly orbiting around a really, really, really small planet that had only, like, one satellite. Ugh.
Was that the right course of action? Well, it depends on who you ask. Mother Nature is still bitter about the whole deal, to be honest. And particles as a whole didn’t really like being bossed around that much—magic forced them to stay still and harmonic all the time. That was just exhausting. [2]
[2] Ironically enough, entropy was a hot spot for particles that wanted to spend their holidays away from magic.
And ponies...
Well, ponies were the ones who made the entire thing like this in the first place, so they couldn’t just change their opinion on the subject so lightly. Still, they had to admit that, as cool as a slightly deteriorated reality was now and then, the secondary effects were… a little uncomfortable.
Coincidences were common. As in, really common. As in, why are we still calling them “coincidences”, the word lost its meaning freaking forever ago, I’ve met three long-lost brothers in the market-place by pure chance in less than forty-eight hours, this is just stupid common.
Logic worked… technically, at least. As long as you didn’t really try to scrutinize him. Causation and correlation were a little bit mixed up, to be honest. And if you stressed Logic too much, he had an annoying tendency to pack his things and leave without a word, so you had to be careful.
So, living in Equestria was a little hard, now and then. Was the perfect weather schedule worth all the trouble? That question remained unanswered. Every pony had their own opinions.
Vinyl Scratch, for example, couldn’t give less of a damn.
Of course, truth be told, Vinyl Scratch couldn’t give less of a damn about anything, really. She had been born with a very modest amount of damns to give, so she was spare when it came to those. She spent the vast majority of her time pointing at things and laughing. Not a bad way to live, overall.
Mother Nature didn’t really like that, however, because there’s a reason why ponies are born with damns to give. You go and try to create and develop an entire race who doesn’t care for, let’s say, the well-being of their offsprings, and see how well that goes.
But that aside? Vinyl Scratch was fairly harmless. So, it was okay. More or less. Sort of. She wasn’t a powerful unicorn at all, so there was no way she would, for example, get involved with a reality-shattering affair any time soon, would she? No bending of the laws of existence near her, right?
Right? Of course. Mother Nature was pretty sure about that. Hah, hah. Right, Logic? You think the same, right? Hah, hah, hah. Haaaaah…
Yeah, okay, no. Hell no. Mother Nature was worried sick. Call it a hunch, if you will—Something was going to happen. Something bad. And it was going to happen soon.
So, that particular day, Mother Nature focused her attention on Vinyl Scratch… and crossed her metaphorical fingers. Logic did the same, just to be sure.
Hope is the last thing you lose, after all.
And in that very moment, so as to justify its efforts, Vinyl Scratch was carving obscene words on a table with a kitchen knife and waiting for her friends to appear.
“Say whatever you want,” she was muttering under her breath, tongue poking out the side of her mouth in concentration, “curse words make everything cooler, no matter the context. This is going to be the coolest table in the city by the time I’m done with it.”
Derpy Hooves, sitting by her side, glared at her. “You know this is a family relic, right? My great-great uncle finished it and then died, three seconds later [3]. His last breath was shed on this table.”
[3] He got eaten by timberwolves avenging the table. Furniture is serious business in Equestria.
“Yes. And now this table has both your great-grunkle’s last breath and seventeen different synonyms of the word ‘butt’ on it,” Vinyl replied, not bothering to look up. A true artist only has eyes for her craft. “And most of them are over five syllables long. No need to thank me.”
Derpy kept glaring at her, gaze so intense it could probably melt iron. Iron would probably care. Then, slowly, she raised a hoof and smacked Vinyl upside the head.
Smack!
“Ouch.” Vinyl winced, but she didn’t stop carving. “That hurt.”
“You’re going to pay for that table once you’re done,” Derpy said, leaning towards Vinyl and glancing at what she was writing. “And it’s going to cost you a real fortu—woah. Okay, that one is just raunchy.”
“One of my favorites!” Vinyl looked at the word with pride. “I yelled that out loud once, when I was still a pipsqueak, and my granny burst into flames and died.”
“Wow. What a tragedy.” Derpy pressed one hoof against her chest. Her voice was soft and low, the voice of a best friend at a child’s funeral. “I’m so sorr—”
“It was the most metal thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Oooookay, forget what I was saying.” Derpy frowned and leaned back, away from the table. “Anyway, no wonders your granny went all fireworks on you. What you’re carving is not a normal cuss word. Where on Equestria did you learn that?”
“I know my obscenities pretty well.”
“It’s one of the Ancient Words of Doom, the Seven Whispers that created existence!”
“I know my obscenities pretty damn well.” She finished the main core of the word and went in for the details—dotting the “i’s”, crossing the “t’s”, measuring the angles of the pentacles. “Also, was existence really created with a synonym for ‘butt’?”
Derpy shrugged. “It’s a powerful word.”
“Not gonna deny that, no.”
“No, I mean it,” Derpy said. “Like, it’s a powerful word, in the literal sense. Words have power. That’s kind of dangerous.”
“Pffffffft.” Vinyl rolled her eyes and finished the word with a small tweak of the knife. “Puh-lease. It’s just a cuss, Derpy. Nothing is going to—”
FOOOOM!
The table burst into flames.
Silence.
Vinyl took a step back and stared at the flames for a couple seconds. “Okay. I wasn’t expecting tha—”
SMACK!
“Argh! My head!”
“I told you this was going to happen![4]” Derpy frowned so hard at Vinyl her eyes were barely visible. “I so told you! Give me that knife!”
[4] Another secondary effect of a weakened fabric of reality. Repeat something enough times, or say something while wielding a big enough amount of magic, and words shape the world in a very literal sense.
That’s actually the reason why, more often than not, ponies won’t use cuss words stronger than a mere “ponyfeathers”. Usually nothing bad happens when a pegasus or an earth pony says something stronger, but an angry unicorn telling her fiancé to “go to hell” might accidentally condemn said fiancé to eternal damnation.
There are exceptions, of course. Vinyl Scratch is a unicorn and she swears like a sailor who hasn’t seen a woman in thirty years. But then again, she can’t invoke evil upon you just like that. She never gave a single damn, after all.
“Okay, okay! Geeez!” Vinyl passed the knife and crossed her legs, offended. Behind her, the table kept burning. “I just wanted to kill time, okay? The gang’s taking way too much time to get here!”
Derpy looked at the clock, still frowning. It said it was ten forty-seven. Their friends should have arrived almost an hour ago. “Don’t remind me,” she said as a shadow crossed her face. “I’m going to have a couple words with them when they arrive.”
“I mean, I know they don’t wanna be here.” Vinyl looked around in disgust. The table was still on fire. “Nopony wants to be here. But still, this is ridiculous!”
Derpy eyed Vinyl. She didn’t glare daggers as much as she glared broadswords. Then she looked back at the clock on the wall. “This is not that bad a place.”
“Nah, it pretty much is.”
Of course, they were in Derpy’s house. Every time the gang wanted to meet, they met at Derpy’s house.
It was an… interesting place. The only reason why it was described with the word “house” was the relatively small size of the Equestrian language. It was the craft of an architect with too much passion and too little talent—there were eleven doors but only five rooms, too many windows in too few places, and the kitchen always smelled like onions and acid.
It was warm in winter, and even warmer in summer. Sometimes there were stairs in the bathroom, and sometimes there weren't. Three ponies had died in mysterious circumstances in the place, and some nights you could hear their screams in the shadows. The walls bled from time to time.
Every time you crossed that threshold, you felt a small part of your soul burning away, never to return. Mother Nature couldn’t look at that house too much without metaphorically fainting.
But, still, it was at the center of Canterlot. The very center of Canterlot.
Which means it was expensive enough to be deemed as “eccentric” and “modern”, instead of the most sincere appellatives of “horrible” or “my wife lost her mind trying to navigate this place, what is wrong with you, you killed her sanity, you killed mine too, ahahahahAHAHAHAHAJHAJHAHJAJKHAJHAJKHAK!”
So. It was an elegant place. And being in there for too long was driving Vinyl mad. She was getting pretty damn annoyed at Time Turner, Octavia, Lyra, and the rest. They should have been there already! She could feel anger rising up inside her. Oh, she was so going to bitch at them when they arrived.
Derpy was different, though, Vinyl thought. Like all pegasi, Derpy Hooves was feisty but loyal. She loved her buddies. Sure, she was also miffed, but not angry. She could never get really mad at her friends, after all.
“I’m going to tear their livers out,” Derpy said, her eyes never leaving the clock, “and then I’ll fill those livers with cheese, smash them to a powder, and force those bastards to snort them in front of their crying mothers.”
“Aw.” Vinyl smiled and gently punched Derpy on the shoulder. “You’re such a softie.”
“And I will be the one who makes her mothers cry.” Derpy shook her head. “Anyway, I’m tired of waiting.” She got up and headed towards the kitchen. “I’m gonna make myself a sandwich. Do you want something?”
“Not really, no.” Vinyl watched her go and then glanced at the clock one more time. In the background, the table was mostly ashes by this point. “Say, what do you think is taking them so long? Maybe something happened? An accident?”
“Maybe they’re just a bunch of rude assholes who don’t care if we’re waiting!” Derpy said. Her voice came from the kitchen, joined with the sound of drawers being opened and bread being cut. “Also, they—woah! Woah, what the hell is this?!”
And then, there was a knock at the door.
Mother Nature didn’t know why, but she really disliked that knock. She felt like it didn’t belong there. Something was off, but she couldn’t really put her metaphorical finger on it…
Vinyl looked at the door. “Hey! Derpy, the gang’s here!”
The sound of somepony falling to the ground, and then the clatter of silverware. “Woah! Woah, woah, woah! What the—Vinyl!” Derpy’s voice sounded strained. “Vinyl, there’s a tentacle coming out of the fridge!”
Another knock. “Are you going to get the door, or do you want me to—”
“Okay, my mistake; there are many tentacles coming out of the fridge!” Derpy said. “And—Oh, come on.”
Vinyl got up and walked towards the door. “Incoming!” she said when they knocked again. “Geez, you're the ones arriving late. Don't be so impatient.”
“And now the fridge is trying to kill me!” Derpy yelled. The sound of a struggle and tentacles moving in the air came from the kitchen. “Give me a break, my day has been horrible enough already! There’s no way this can get worse!”
Then the thing in the fridge, that with the tentacles, talked. It talked with the Voice of the Legion. And Hell followed with it.
“I HAVE AWOKEN FROM MY SLUMBER.”
Silence.
“Oh, come on.”
And that was the moment Vinyl opened the door.
Mother Nature realized what was happening now, which is a shame, because it means she knew exactly what to do the very moment she became unable to do anything. Powerful as she is, Mother Nature can only work with the natural.
Of course, “natural” can mean a lot of things—in fact, most of the stuff ponies unthinkingly brand as “supernatural” are just natural but with an extra pair of eyes or something. However, there are unnatural things. Not unnatural in the “you can’t marry that possum” or “no son of mine will be with a woman with a third nipple” sense. We’re talking truly unnatural.
Things that don’t belong to Mother Nature. Things that Should Not Be.
Three things happened at the same time, in that moment. Vinyl opened the door, the tentacles from the fridge all tried to stab Derpy, and Derpy’s house—already pretty shabby in the reality sense—became a Space that Should Not Be.
Vinyl Scratch and Derpy didn’t notice.
Which is pretty weird—a more normal pony would have realized something was off immediately. Hell, a more normal pony would have dropped dead right there, because the thunderous, greater-than-life voice that came from the kitchen didn't sound. It did much more than that.
Usually, sound is pretty straightforward—something makes a noise, and the air molecules are nice enough to carry that vibration to any ear that happens to be nearby. Noise is movement, once you get to it.
But what not many know is that stillness is not the opposite of movement. It's its absence. The opposite of movement is novement. It's best defined as moving the other way around, and just as movement is a natural force, novement is an unnatural one. Novement can't be perceived. It's not instantaneous. It's just there.
It's one of the few elements in physics with a morality, kind of. Many scientists have referred to novement as something evil. This is not correct. Novement came earlier.
If anything, evil is nobile.
When that dark, ancient voice talked, it noved everything around it. The walls bled dark blood. Purple flames filled the place. The sky broke, and the void from Far Beyond filled the cosmos. It cursed reality itself, destroyed time and space, got really close to making existence kick the bucket.
The only reason why Equestria didn't stop existing immediately was mere luck, Mother Nature realized. Time and space were no more, so the curse didn't touch everything at the same time. It was one of those small, Logical things, that only worked because Equestrian Logic is really not that great.
So Mother Nature took a big blow to the stomach, but she didn’t die.
Derpy's house was absolutely damned, though.
Yet Vinyl didn't notice, because, as it's been established before, she could give no damns.
Sure, she kind of realized the walls were bleeding? But, well, she was in Derpy’s house. Bloody walls were kind of an everyday thing.
Plus, good luck trying to notice the strange color of the flames and the blood while wearing purple sunglasses. Vinyl was too passive to realize she should be dead, so she remained alive.
And she opened the door. “Hey, Octavia!” she said, smiling. “Took you your time!”
Octavia Philharmonica, a grey earth pony with the longest eyelashes, the curviest legs, and the softest coat ever smiled at Vinyl from the other side of the door.
There was something interesting about Octavia—other ponies could be pretty, but she was breathtaking [5]. Maybe it was the way she moved—flowing like oil in a pool of water—, maybe it was the way she talked—with a soft, sweet, sultry voice—, maybe it was the fact that she had, like, the greatest ass of them all. It didn’t matter.
[5] Literally. She wasn’t allowed in the respiratory treatment wing of the Royal Canterlot Hospital.
What mattered was that Octavia was a natural seductress. If she wanted you, she had you, simple as that. She could make the words “I’m sorry, your son has cancer” sound like an invitation to go upstairs and have a private talk over smooth jazz and expensive wine.
That day wasn’t any different. She was wearing a pink bowtie and had a letter in her mouth, and somehow she pulled that off as a provocative outfit. She smiled a smile not suitable for anypony under eighteen.
“Hi!” she finally said. “How's it going?”
At the other side of the door, the flames around Vinyl grew bigger. The walls grew faces and started screaming, dark blood flowed freely, thunder roared behind her.
“Meh,” Vinyl said. “Nothing new.”
“I AM THE KILLER OF DEATH ITSELF.”
“This is going to be a total bitch to clean up.” Derpy's voice managed to be heard over the sound of condemnation around the whole house. “Oh, Celestia, the sandwich's got blood all over it now!”
“TIME AND SPACE WITHER UPON MY ARRIVAL.”
“Yeeeeah.” Octavia looked at the horrible mayhem inside the house, then at Vinyl. “You… seem to be busy indeed. So, ah, I'll go straight to the point.”
“To the point?” Vinyl took a step. “Come in, come in. What do you mean, ‘straight to the point’?”
“Vinyl!” Derpy yelled from the kitchen. “I am fairly sure I’m witnessing some kind of apocalyptic event, and my sandwich’s ruined! Are you listening to me?!”
“No, no, I can't stay to talk.” Octavia frowned. “Believe me. Just take this letter. I gotta go now.”
“What?” Vinyl's horn glimmered, and the letter floated to her. “What do you mean? We were supposed to have dinner!”
“It's complicated.” Octavia shrugged. “Read the letter and you'll understand.” With a forced grin, she took the door handle and pulled. “Later!”
“Wait! Hey, Tavi!”
Blam!
Too late. The door was closed now. With a deep frown, Vinyl opened it again…
…and saw that Octavia was not there anymore.
“What the…?”
“ETERNAL DOOM FALLS UPON YOU, MORTAL.”
“VINYL!” Derpy popped her head out of the kitchen. A tentacle popped out too, but Derpy slapped it back with a piece of bread. “WOULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME ALREADY?!”
“Dude.” Vinyl looked at her. “Trust me, no matter what you wanna say, what happened to me just now is weirder. Octavia just—”
“THERE’S AN ELDER GOD IN MY FRIDGE!”
There was a moment of silence.
“Woah,” Vinyl said.
“WOAH INDEED!”
“We have Elder Gods in Equestria?”
“EITHER THAT, OR THIS IS THE WEIRDEST FLIPPING BOTTLE OF MAYO I’VE SEEIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!”
A tentacle popped out of the kitchen again and hovered menacingly above Derpy’s head. “COWER IN FEAR, MORTALS. YOU MAY PLEAD FOR A QUICK DEATH, BUT—”
“Oh, you shut up,” Derpy said.
The tentacle paused and hovered in a slightly less menacing way.
“DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP.”
Derpy glared with her iron-melting glare. The tentacle stiffened, and retreated a couple inches. “I’m talking with my friend here,” Derpy said. “So if you don’t mind.”
There was another moment of silence as the tentacle considered its options.
Then it popped back into the kitchen.
“Damn right,” Derpy muttered.
Vinyl frowned. “Tentacles don’t have eyes,” she said. “How exactly did you—?”
Derpy glared at Vinyl.
“Okay.” Vinyl shielded her face against those eyes. “Okay, stupid question. Please, don’t do that.”
“I am not in the mood for silly questions, Vinyl.”
“Yes, yes.” Vinyl shuddered and saved the letter inside her mane. “I can tell. So, uh… Why is that thing in your fridge, again?”
“I have no idea!” Derpy frowned and crossed her legs. “I was just making myself a sandwich, and suddenly there were tentacles everywhere!”
“Wow.” Vinyl squinted. “You accidentally summoned an ancient avatar of evil? How the hell do you mess up a sandwich so badly?!”
“The sandwich had nothing to do with it.”
“I mean, I know you’re bad at cooking, but this is just ridiculous, dude.”
“THE SANDWICH HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!”
“Are you sure?” Vinyl arched an eyebrow [6] and adjusted her glasses. “Because, like, I’m working with empirical data here,” Vinyl said. “And you know what they say about empirical data.”
[6] Ponies have no eyebrows. It’s a mystery how they do that.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”
“Look, I’m just being logical here! You made a sandwich, then there’s an eldritch horror in your fridge! The story checks out!”
“YOU ARE THE MOST STUPID—!”
“THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.”
A pause. Both mares looked at the kitchen. “What?” Derpy asked.
“THAT IS NOT HOW LOGIC WORKS. CORRELATION DOESN’T ALWAYS INDICATE CAUSATION.”
“Okay, no.” Vinyl sat down on the floor and shook her head. “Hell no. I’m not taking logic lessons from a guy who was born out of a sandwich. I have my standards.”
“I WASN’T BORN OUT OF A SANDWICH. I WAS BORN BEFORE TIME EXISTED. I’M ETERNAL. I AM THE KILLER OF DEATH ITSELF. TIME AND SPACE BREAK UPON MY ARRIVAL. ETERNAL DOOM FALLS UPON YOU, MORT—”
“Yes, yes, whatever. You’re just glorified ketchup, for all I care.”
“I AM NOT KETCHUP, FOR I AM THE KILLER OF DEATH ITSELF—
“Vinyl! Stop arguing with the ancient horror!” Derpy said. “This guy wants to bring doom to Equestria, don’t freaking humor him!”
“ETERNAL DOOM.”
“Oh. sorry. Eternal doom to Equestria, don’t freaking humor him!” She turned to the kitchen. “Better?”
“YES. THANKS.”
“I’m not humoring him! I’m humiliating him!” Vinyl said. “Those are, like, total opposites! You are the one being all polite with that… thing!” She frowned. “What is it, anyway? Just a bunch of tentacles? Big deal! You can take care of that on your own!”
“I AM NOT JUST TENTACLES. I AM THE KILLER OF D—”
Derpy peeked inside the kitchen once more. “Meh. He kind of looks like a squid, but uglier,” she said.
Silence.
“I DON’T THINK I’M COMFORTABLE WITH THAT DESCRIPTION.”
“Pffft.” Vinyl looked at the letter Octavia had given her. The envelope was gray. No address. No sound if you shook it. “Seafood,” she said. “Lame.” She took her shades off to give the letter a better look, and that’s when she noticed what was going on around her.
Dark flames rising. Boiling blood everywhere. The walls had faces, and they were screaming. The ceiling had disappeared, and above her was a black void, a starless sky with nothing but darkness. The very picture of damnation.
She gave a low whistle. “Yeah, this one’s going to be a bitch to clean up.”
“VINYL, I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, I’M GOING TO—okay, hold on a second. Big Guy.” Derpy turned around and faced the kitchen once more. Suddenly, she sounded calm and collected. “Do you mind explaining what part of me are you exactly trying to grab, and why?”
“UH. UM.”
Vinyl frowned and opened the letter. There was one single page in it, and she recognized the writing right away.
It was Vinyl’s.
Wiggles the Amazing Squid there is messing up time ‘n stuff like crazy, it said. The house doesn’t flow with time like it should. Door connects to the outside, but not always at the same moment. Goes back and forth, no way to know when you are. Tends to go always forwards, though, in random jumps.
“Woah,” Vinyl said, eyebrows up, wild smile on her face. “Time travel? Wicked cool.”
Wicked cool indeed, said the letter. But you’re trapped in the house, sister. Can’t get out.
A blink. Vinyl frowned. “Sister? Nopony ever sisters anymore! Everypony thinks it’s dorky!”
I know.
The frown turned into a wide grin. “I love sistering ponies!”
I know that too!
“Hah!”
A second of silence.
“Wait,” Vinyl said. “Letters are not supposed to work like this.”
Naaaaaaah. Time travel, remember? I know what you’re gonna say. Anyway, so yeah, trapped in the house. You can’t get out, nopony can get in.
“Aw, that sucks.” Vinyl made a pout. “I wanted to hang out with the gang tonight.”
Yeah, but, like, you’ll have to wait. I wrote this letter right after helping Octavia solve her problem. So, like, I guess you have to do that now? Help Octavia with her thing.
“Groovy!” Vinyl said. “And then what? I can get out?”
But there were no more words. Vinyl turned the letter around, just in case. Nope, that was it.
“Dude,” Vinyl whispered, putting the letter back on the table and scratching her cheek. “That was weird. Hey, Derpy!” She turned to the kitchen. “You won’t believe what just happened!”
“Wait a moment, Vinyl,” Derpy said. “I’m making clear where the boundaries are here. Now, Squiddy? What is that tentacle trying to do, again?”
Dark Titans of Destructions are not the kind to hold conversations. Everything around them tends to either die in horrible pain or, in some special cases, scream and cry for a couple minutes before dying in horrible pain. The Beast Who Ends It All had never needed to do anything but kill and maybe consume, to add some variety.
And yet, there was something in Derpy’s voice that made him stop and reconsider his options.
“UH,” it repeated. Everything trembled as the tentacles noved in a confused haze. “I’M KILLING YOU.”
“Killing me. Hmm.” Derpy smiled in the sweetest way possible. The overall effect was similar to a volcano erupting, if only volcanos had teeth. “I don’t think that’s what you’re doing. Darling.”
That ‘darling’ was sharper than Luna’s wit. The eldritch abomination shuffled its tentacles uncomfortably.
“USUALLY MY PRESENCE BRINGS OUT THE DEATH THAT AWAITS IN EVERY LIVING THING,” it said after a small pause. “DAMNATION BEFALLS ALL UPON MY ARRIVAL.”
Derpy waited. Her smile didn’t falter.
From the hall, Vinyl smirked and perked up her ears.
“UM.” There was a horrible, indescribable sound, as the Obscure King, the Tentacled Death, coughed softly. “IN THEORY YOU SHOULD BE ALREADY DEAD, BECAUSE I’M HERE. BUT IT, AHEM, IT DOESN’T SEEM TO AFFECT YOU.”
“Hmm.”
“IT’S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE, I SWEAR.”
“Maybe you’re worrying too much about it?” Vinyl asked. “Stress does this kind of thing now and then. You should relax.”
“You didn’t answer my question. What. Is. That. Tentacle. Trying. To. Grab.”
Silence.
“I WAS… TRYING TO STRANGLE YOU?”
“That is not where my throat is.”
“I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH EQUINE ANATOMY.”
Derpy smiled even harder and said nothing. Empires had fallen under weaker powers than that grimace.
There was a small, barely perceptible pause.
“Say, Tentacle Guy?” Vinyl said, talking really slowly. “I think you should stop trying to strangle Derpy.”
“MAYBE I SHOULD JUST APOCALYPSE A LITTLE HARDER.”
“Oh, honey.” Derpy talked like a serial killer working in a kindergarten [6]. Her smile twitched ever-so-slightly. “Waaaay too late for that.”
[6] Sweetly, politely, then oh my God where did that knife come from THERE’S BLOOD AND DEAD CHILDREN EVERYWHERE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
There was a knock. Vinyl looked at the door and put her glasses back on. “Incoming!” she said. Then she turned towards Derpy. “Okay, so… I’m taking care of the door while you take care of Wiggles, okay? I mean, I wasn’t going to help you anyway, but now you don’t want me to, right?”
“Hell no.” Derpy went back in the kitchen. Only her shadow on the wall was visible from the hall. The purple flames made it look bigger than usual. “I want to take care of him alone. This is personal now.”
“WAIT, WASN’T IT PERSONAL BEFORE? I’VE BEEN DESTROYING YOUR WORLD FOR A WHILE HERE.”
There was another knock, this time louder. “Neato!” Vinyl said, beaming. “I wanna get out of here soon anyway, party awaits.” And then she opened the door. “Heeeey, Octavia!”
“Hey, Vinyl!” Octavia said. She was smiling too, but it was a forced smile. It was all wrong around the corners. “Sorry for coming so late, there was a—”
“Sure, sure, no problem.” Vinyl rested her shoulder against the door. “So! You look troubled!”
Octavia blinked. Her eyelashes fluttered, seemingly on their own. “Uh?” she said. “What?”
“Like, anything wrong going on?” Vinyl took her glasses off and beamed even harder. “Do you need help with something?”
“Why are you…?” She gulped. “I don’t know what you’re talking ab—”
Vinyl didn’t change her expression. “Something bad happened, didn’t it? You can tell me.”
Octavia’s smile fluttered, and then disappeared. She let out a long, heavy sigh, and then massaged the space between her eyes. “It’s that obvious, isn’t it?”
“Eh. I’m good at reading ponies.” Vinyl tried to rest a hoof on Octavia’s shoulder, but the moment her leg went pass the threshold, there was a zzap! and a bunch of sparkles. Vinyl grunted and took a step back, waving the hurt hoof. “Ouch. Okay, so, anything I can help with without getting out of here?”
“I don’t…” Octavia looked back at her and shook her head. “It’s nothing, really.”
“C’moooooon. Tell Auntie Vinyl what’s haaaaaaappening.”
“It’s…” Octavia rubbed her foreleg. “Okay, so you remember the Canterlot Orchestra has a new conductor, right? Etude Estudio? Blue earth pony, horrible hair… Always looks angry, like somepony broke his daughter’s legs with a crowbar?”
“Uh-huh.” Vinyl nodded. She seemed to recollect a faint memory of somepony who looked like that. “Any problem with him?”
“Yeah. He hates me.” Octavia bit her lip. “Like, I’m still officially first cello? But today he said Clavio was going to play soloist next Saturday, instead of me. That’s more or less the same as asking me to leave.”
“And that’s bothering you?” Vinyl arched an eyebrow. “Just talk to the guy! Convince him to let you do play soloist. That should be easy for you!”
“I just…”
“In fact,” Vinyl said, “do that right now! I mean, it’s still early, isn’t it?”
Octavia blinked. “Vinyl, it’s almost midnight.”
“That’s early somewhere!” Vinyl waved a hoof. “There, go talk with the guy! Use your natural charm to convince him. Swing your hips while walking or something.”
“But he hates me!” Octavia said, rubbing her hoof on the floor. “It’s impossible to charm that guy. Plus, he’s kind of icky—I don’t wanna seduce that. ”
“Then make him pay!” Vinyl crossed her legs. “That’s what the Octavia I know would do! Go and solve that problem of yours so we can hang out!”
Octavia frowned. “…Yeah. You know what? Yeah!” She looked up, a smile on her face, genuine this time. “You’re right! Sulking won’t do anything. If I can’t charm the guy, I’ll just force him to do what I say!”
“That’s the spirit!” Vinyl said, beaming again. “Come back when you’re done, I’ll be here!”
“Wait, what? Isn’t this Derpy’s hou—”
Blam!
Vinyl slammed the door shut. “Hah!” she said. “That should do it! I’m so good at time travelling.”
“DIE!”
Horrible sounds came from the kitchen. The faces on the walls screeched louder, their eyes popped out of their sockets. The purple flames morphed into snakes, firey animals of unnatural glow, hissing and whispering words of misery. Rocky spikes spurted from the floor, gleaming with deadly light. Smoke filled the room.
“Oh, yeah?!” Derpy yelled. “You go first!”
The unearthly tentacles had multiplied. They moved with the speed of sound, whipping and grabbing and lashing everything they touched.
But Derpy was faster. She moved like grey lightning, hovering across the tentacles, dodging and slapping with bread and slamming with no mercy. Not a single tentacle had touched her yet. “Hah! Slowpoke!”
“RAAAAAARGH!”
Then the kitchen exploded.
Well, maybe that’s not the right word. Usually, explosions are made out of fire and heat. They break and burn.
This one was not.
The explosion created by The Thing From The Deeps was a concentration of novement. A cold, dark outburst, a giant ball of iceness and ether that destroyed everything it touched.
Bits of the wall went flying everywhere, and part of the hall and the corridor disappeared too. Vinyl could see the monster now, a shapeless mass of tentacles, eyes, fangs and things without a name, all stuffed inside the fridge.
And Derpy, apparently untouched by the explosion, kept hovering above the guy. “Wow,” she said, looking at the hole in her wall. “That was useful, wasn’t it?”
“I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!
“You are going to try.” Derpy looked around, and a metallic gleam caught her eye.
The knife Vinyl had used to carve words on that table was lying on the floor, reflecting the purple flames. Only it glimmered with a white-and-silver light, not a violet one.
Quick as thought, Derpy landed right next to it, and took it. It was an old kitchen knife—Celestia knew how many years she’d been cutting onions with it. She eyed the knife, then the Destruction Deity in the fridge, then the knife again.
She smirked a little.
The Count of Carnages saw right through Derpy’s intentions. “YOU FOOL,” it roared. “YOUR EFFORTS ARE USELESS. NO MORTAL WEAPON SHALL HARM A LORD FROM THE HEPTAVERSE [7]. YOU CAN’T—”
[7] Like the universe, but seven times more.
Basically, you have a one-dimensional space. Then you go out from that and you get a two-dimensional space, which is nice and logical. Then you go deeper, and you end up with a three-dimensional space. All fine and dandy, and then you add something more and bam, time makes for four dimensions.
Wonkshod makes five, which is where things start to get wobbly for mere three-dimensional, linear brains. You need non-Euclidean neurons for that.
At six dimensions, you get Cјебан. That one is just out.
And then you have seven dimensions. Unfortunately, even the name used to describe a seventh-dimensional existence is impossible to grasp unless you perceive сјебан dimensions, or at least wonkshod with a mild existential crisis and a botany degree.
Sching.
“AAAAAAAAAARGH!”
There was another knock. “Oh, cool!” Vinyl turned to the door and opened it. “I’m sure Tavi will have solved everything by now. We can get out of here!”
But when she answered the door, it wasn’t Octavia at the other side. It was Time Turner, another of her friends—a brown earth pony, sweaty and covered in bruises.
“Vinyl!” he yelled when she opened the door. “Oh, thank Celestia you’re here! Sorry for being late, but there’s been a terrible accident! Bon Bon was ran over by a carriage, there’s an innocent pony bleeding to death on the street, and—”
Blam!
Vinyl slammed the door shut. “Nnnnot interested,” she said.
Another knock. She opened the door, hoping to see Octavia, but it was just Turner again. “There’s been another horrible accident! Now there are two guys bleeding, and Bon Bon is having seizures! I think what she said is a prophe—”
Blam! “Nah.”
Another knock. Lyra Heartstrings, this time. Calm, collected, smiling, and covered in blood. “I’m a rude asshole who doesn’t care if you’re waiting. Also, I just stabbed two guys on the street and Turner is freaking the hell out. Oh, and apparently we gotta save the world because now Bon Bon can see the futur—”
Blam! “Come on, Tavi, come here already!” Vinyl muttered. “I wanna go home!”
“THAT IS NO MORTAL STEEL.” The Apocalyptic Abomination increased in size, even though it was still in the fridge. “YOU WIELD THE BLADE OF THUNDER!”
“Huh?” Schling! Schlang! four more tentacles fell to the ground, quivering. “Seriously?”
“BUT YOU CAN’T WIELD THE BLADE OF THUNDER! IT WAS LOST AT THE BEGINNING OF TIME!”
“Dude, I just bought it from a thrift shop like two years ago.” Derpy stopped in midair to give a better look at the knife she was holding. “Then again, it does look more like a sword than a knife, now that I think about it.”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
A black goo splashed from some of the tentacles, and thousands of shadowy figures came from it. They looked like dogs or wolves, but with a couple extra appendages here and there. They didn’t move as much as they flowed. Their darkness was so black, it glistened.
The Blade of Thunder gleamed with a brighter light.
“YOU’RE A WIELDER!” the Almighty Destructor roared. “THAT’S WHY YOU STILL LIVE!” The tentacles pointed at the goopy figures. “SHADOWS! KILL THEM BOTH!
Derpy landed, then backflipped towards Vinyl and beheaded the two closest Shadows with a circling motion. They came in waves, but she punched her way through without sweating a single drop. Each one of her hits destroyed a Shadow like they were made out of jello.
Vinyl, still by the door, eyed her friend’s movements from above her glasses and didn’t bother to get out of the way. Every time a Shadow got near her, Derpy took care of it. “Nice roundhouse kick,” she said after a particularly acrobatic one. “Didn’t know you knew kung-fu.”
“It’s a long story!” Derpy said. A Shadow tried to attack Vinyl with a strike of dark teeth and black claws, but Derpy blocked it with the sword and smashed its head against one of the rocky spikes. “Never thought I had to mention it!”
“Huuuh.”
“Don’t let them touch you!” Derpy didn’t bother to look at Vinyl now—she was too busy supplexing a very unlucky Shadow. “If they touch you, you’re dead!”
Vinyl arched an eyebrow. There were no Shadows near her. “Really?”
“Yeah! Evil only has to win once, and all that crap! The smallest contact is lethal!”
“You seem to be just fine.”
“Ah?” Derpy paused for a second and looked at herself, then went back to kicking Shadows. “Well, yeah, the Thunder Blade protects me. But that’s just ‘cause these guys are lame.” She smashed another Shadow against the wall. “If the big guy gets a hold of me, however… Not even the Blade is powerful enough.”
Vinyl nodded. “Okay, I’ll take care.” Then there was a knock. “Oh, the door!”
It was Octavia, this time. “Well,” she said once Vinyl opened. “I think I—” she frowned. “Uh. What is going on in there?”
“HIYAAAAAAAA!” Derpy grabbed the Blade of Thunder with her hooves and threw it towards a Shadow. It stabbed it right in the chest. A second Shadow tried to attack her after that, but she blocked it effortlessly. Then, with a flowery movement, she broke its leg, then its neck, then its other leg. The faces in the walls yelled even louder, and one of them exploded. “HORYAAAAAAA!”
“Bah. Nothing.” Vinyl waved a hoof. “So! What did you do to deal with that Estudio guy?”
“Um.” Octavia frowned and looked behind Vinyl once more, but eventually shrugged and gave up. “Well, I realized being sad made no sense when I could be angry instead. So I screwed his parents.”
There was a moment of silence.
Relatively speaking.
As in, It was kind of broken by the sound of Derpy karate-chopping three Shadows in midair and getting the sword in the background, after all. But that aside? Dead silence.
Vinyl blinked.“You what?”
“Yeah!” Octavia said, smiling. “Like, I went to his house, and I discovered he still lives with his parents. So I screwed them both!”
Vinyl needed a moment to process that information. “Okay, you—okay. Sex with his parents. Good. Uh, you mean at the same time, or…?”
“Well, duh.” Tavi arched an eyebrow. “Was there any other option? Their matrimony was pretty messy anyway. They were happy to find a way to spice things up!”
“I don’t think that’s what I meant with—”
“I made sure to make them squeal as much as possible,” Octavia continued, “so Estudio could hear us. Not that hard to do, to be fair. His father’s a screamer.”
“I’m fairly sure I didn’t need that information, Tavi.”
“I made sure he never looks at his father in the eyes ever again.”
“Ugh.” Vinyl massaged her temples. Behind her, Derpy was using a Shadow as a club to beat another Shadow against the floor. “Okay,” she said as she tried to put a leg over Octavia’s shoulders. “I guess that as long as it—”
Zzzaap!
“Argh!” Vinyl jumped back and glared at the threshold. “Hey! I thought you’d solved your problem!”
Octavia frowned at her. “What the hell was that?”
“I said I thought you’d solved it!”
“Uh.” Octavia rubbed the back of her neck. “Well, I think I did? I mean, I haven’t gone to today’s practice yet, but I’m sure he’ll put me back in—”
Vinyl slammed the door shut. Another knock, she opened it.
“Okay, so. He hates me even more now…”
“I can’t imagine why!” Vinyl said. “Look, I know that you want to get back to the guy, but maybe your problems would be solved if, instead of screwing his parents you—”
“…So I screwed his parents again,” Octavia finished.
“Oh, come on!”
“Hey, I just wanted to give it another try!” Octavia said, crossing her legs. “It was a good idea! We never give good ideas a second chance!”
“The fact that you are legally labelled an adult sickens me.”
“Oh, you’re just being stubborn.” Octavia said, squinting at Vinyl. “I’m just making sure Estudio knows I’m tougher than him, okay? I’m sure he’ll give up in no time. I mean, I set fire to his room after I was finished with his parents anyway. That oughta scare him.”
“Ugh.” Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Okay, never mind. Just… Just tell me whenever everything’s solved, please?”
And she slammed the door shut.
Behind her, the Unspeakable Colossus had stepped up his game a notch. The Shadows were now bigger, faster, stronger, and they had wings. The faces on the walls were puking scythes now, and shooting them at Derpy and Vinyl. More flames morphed into snakes, gigantic basilisks so cold they burned.
Derpy remained unscratched. In fact, she was kind of glowing too. A pure, clean, white light.
“By the High Powers to me Conceded!” she chanted, closing her eyes and raising both hooves to the dark cosmos above them. “O Eternity, Light Unchanging, Destroy the Evil that Fights Against Me!”
There was a swooooosh, a gleam, and then Derpy’s aura got even brighter.
A wave of light emerged from her, a warm circle of divine splendor. It destroyed everything it touched, tearing it into pieces, burning the darkness in holy fire, consuming the snakes and dissolving the scythes. A choir of little boys could be heard in the distance, singing something whimsical and spiritual.
It didn’t really affect Vinyl. Well, maybe it ruffled her mane a little bit, nothing else.
“The hell was that?” she asked as the light disappeared and the few Shadows and snakes that had survived got their senses back. “I didn’t know you had superpowers!”
“What?” Derpy looked at her with an arched eyebrow. “What are you talking about? I don’t have any kind of power. I’m a pegasus, not a unicorn.”
“You just unapocalypsed the entire house!”
“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t count.” Derpy shrugged. “Like, I just commanded the forces of Fate or whatever. Not that big of a deal. Comes with being the Chosen One.”
Vinyl frowned. “You’re the Chosen One?!”
“Yeah! Well, one of them, at least. Didn’t I tell you—? Oh, hold on.” Some of the Shadows were getting closer. Derpy raised the Blade of Thunder, yelled something in a dead language, and lightning struck.
There was a spark, a creak, and the smell of burned wood. When Derpy lowered the sword, the smoking remains of the Shadows hit the floor and frizzed a little bit.
“Thaaaat’s better,” Derpy said. “Anyway, yeah, didn’t I tell you before? A blind old mare came to my mother when she was pregnant and told her I was the Child of Destiny, or something like that.” She shrugged. “Never really cared about it.”
“Huh.” Vinyl eyed the room. It was a holy mess, but all the Shadows had been eradicated, and the only flaming snake was hiding under the table. “Child of Destiny. Sounds pretty sweet.”
“Meeeeh.” Derpy made a so-so gesture with her hoof. “Kind of overrated, I think.”
“So that’s why you know kung-fu?”
“What? No!” Derpy shook her head. “Don’t be stupid. I just trained in the mountains with my father for seven years.”
“Oh. That’s… Actually, that’s a logical explanation.”
“I know, right? I love it when things make perfect sense.”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” The fridge trembled. Vinyl noticed the tentacles were perfectly okay. And it looked like there were more than ever. “I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS!”
Something changed in that voice. Before it had sounded like a thousand babies crying in despair, like the sound of demise falling upon an ancient civilization, like the whisper of lust destroying a marriage, like a pretty mediocre power ballad.
But now it was different. Now it sounded like nothing. It wasn’t a voice, it was the absence of a voice. The particles didn’t just nove; they became novement. It got darker. Deeper. Deadlier.
Derpy didn’t seem to care. She smiled, and she showed an awful lot of teeth. “Hell yeah,” she said. “Final boss. Bring it on.” There was a knock at the door. “Oh. Vinyl, do you mind getting that?”
Vinyl raised a hoof. “No probs, sister. You keep your sanctum sanctorum gig going on, I’ll take care of the public relations.”
Derpy hoofbumped her. “Don’t sister me. It’s dorky.”
“Aaaw.”
Without turning around, Derpy took the sword, cracked her neck, yelled a battle cry, and charged against the Lord of Despair.
The Lord of Despair met her in midair.
They collided in a burst of light, darkness, death, and life.
Meanwhile, Vinyl rolled her eyes, muttered something about excessive dramatism, and opened the door.
“Vinyl!” Turner again. Covered in more bruises, and half his mane was black with charcoal. “Bon Bon’s prophecy was right! Io the Sentient Planet is approaching Equestria, and on the dawn of the third moon, it’ll collide! We need to gather the seven Jewels of Friendship and—”
She closed the door. Blam!
Another knock—Lyra. Absolutely covered in blood, this time. “Okay, so. I’m going to be honest. I took a baseball bat and broke the kneecaps of five random guys, and now they’re all whining on the street next to Bleeding Guys two to seven. I have no idea why I did that, but hear me out: what if I keep assaulting random ponies, and then—”
Blam!
Knocking, Turner again. “The Lizardfolk found us, and they refuse to give us the key to the Golden Temple, and I just know the fourth Jewel is in there, so—”
Blam!
A knock. “Yo. You won’t believe who had the fifth Jewel,” Lyra said. “Like, like, seriously. Check this: Bleeding Guy three. Mind. Blown.”
BLAM!
“So. Timberwolves just ate the Great Priest of the Lizardfolk. Turns out he liked to build tables in his spare time.”
BLAM!
“Um.” Octavia smiled shyly. “Hello.”
“Bloody hell!” Vinyl raised her hooves to the sky in exasperation. “Finally! Took you your time!”
Octavia chuckled and shook her head. “Well, it has been a stressful week.”
“Please tell me you—”
Zzzap!
“Ouch! Okay, you haven’t.” Vinyl glared at her. “Celestia forbid you being efficient for once, girl.”
Octavia frowned and looked at Vinyl’s hoof. “Say, I’ve been meaning to ask this for a while—how come this doorway electrocutes you?”
“A long and boring list of very stupid reasons,” Vinyl said. She took off her glasses and glared at Octavia. “Now, tell me what is going on with that Estudio guy, and if I hear any other word about—”
“I didn’t have any other threesome with his parents, if that’s what you’re afraid of,” Octavia said. Then she sighed. “I couldn’t. I think I’m starting to feel something for his father anyway.”
Stunned silence.
Vinyl slapped her own forehead so hard it actually hurt. “Oh my Luna,” she said.
“Hey, I couldn’t help it! He’s a true gentlecolt!” Octavia looked to the side. “I know it can’t be, though. That’s why I’m avoiding him.”
Vinyl raised her head slowly, veeery slowly, and looked at Octavia dead in the eye.
There was another moment of silence, as Derpy and the Immortal Horror fought in the background.
“Please, tell me that’s all you have to say about this whole matter, because otherwise I swear to Luna I’m—”
“That’s why I’m only sleeping with his mother now!”
BLAM!
Octavia with a distressed look. “I think I’m developing feelings for his mother too.”
BLAM!
Octavia in a white dress. “I just got married!”
BLAM!
Octavia in no white dress. “I just got divorced.”
BLAM!
“AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Vinyl ignored the next knock and pulled her mane so hard she actually tore some locks from her head. She turned around and hollered like a heavy metal singer who just stubbed his toe. “I CAN’T TAKE THIS! WHY ARE OUR FRIENDS THIS STUPID?! DERPY! THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME, I NEED YOUR HELP!”
Then she saw what was going on behind her, and stopped yelling.
Turns out Derpy needed her help, too.
She should have noticed, Derpy realized, when she charged against the Abysmal Overlord. It hadn’t charged back, unlike all the hellish creatures it had summoned to kill her. It hadn’t screamed, or insulted her either.
It had risen.
There was no other way to describe it [8]. One second there had been only tentacles, and then an endless mass of flesh, a non-euclidean form that twisted and turned in all the wrong places. Mortal eyes couldn’t follow it without going blind. Indescribable colors, mostly green and red and purple and yellow, mixed in horrible blurbs. Appendages that had no name spurting out of impossible places.
[8] “It came out of the fridge” doesn’t really live up to the moment, let’s be honest.
The air around it had changed, too. It felt heavier, winds of lead and mercury howling through the rocky spikes, the smell of acid dancing along.
Yeeeah.
In hindsight, Derpy thought, maybe all that stuff should have set off some alarms.
But she was already charging against the Impossible Colossus, battlecry and all. What was she supposed to do anyway? Stop charging, just like that? No way that was happening. You didn’t just stop an attack like that. She had some dignity, after all.
So there she went, wielding the Thunder Blade, commanding the powers of Good and Light and Hearth’s Warming Eve and thinking that hey, sure, the guy looked scary, but it’s who you are inside what matters. Kindness will always prevail, and—
Plompf.
Boing.
Derpy hit the aura surrounding the Madness Mountain with the strength of a mosquito hitting a windshield, and then she bounced back, like a hammer hitting a spring.
She managed to mouth the words “oh, dammit” before hitting her head against the wall and losing her grip on the Thunder Blade, which ended up at the other side of the room.
Then everything went black.
For about twenty seconds.
“Ouch.” Derpy opened her eyes. She was lying on her back, facing the starless void that some time ago had been her ceiling. She felt like a ragdoll coming out of a heavy metal concert. “That hurt.”
Vinyl was right next to her, eyeing from above her shades. Her purple eyes looked almost black in the light. “What the hell was that?!”
“A huge blow to my pride, that’s what it was.” Derpy groaned and got up. Her head went dizzy and everything turned red and blue and yellow for a second or two, but she got a grip of herself pretty quickly. “He powered up.”
“YOU NEVER HAD ANY CHANCE.” The Beast noved towards them, space twisting around it, reality calling it a day and going on holidays whenever touched. “I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. I AM THE KILLER OF DEATH ITSE—”
“I swear to Celestia, if you start that stupid speech once more, I’ll throw a shoe at your face” Vinyl said, crossing her legs and glaring at the Duke of Damnation. “We’re having a conversation here, have some respect!”
“I… WHAT? A SHOE?”
“A shoe!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A SHOE?”
“Exactly what it sounds like!” Vinyl pointed an accusatory hoof at the Morbid Monstrosity. “So you better watch your mouth! I’m tired of your rambling! So anyway, Derpy—”
“YOU CAN’T THREATEN ME WITH A SHOE. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. I AM THE KILLER OF DE—”
“Okay, that’s it! You’re gonna get it now, Squidboy, I’m bringing the big guns! HYAAA!”
Ploc.
The shoe bounced against its head—or at least the part of him that had more eyes—and fell to the ground.
They all looked at it for a second or two.
Silence.
“HAH!” Vinyl crossed her legs again. “HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!”
“THAT DIDN’T DO ANYTHING.”
“Yeah, that was completely useless,” Derpy added.
“I BETCHA THAT HURT A LOT, DIDN’T IT?!” Vinyl’s grin was so big it looked wild. Like it had its own conscience.
“Vinyl.”
“BOOYEAH!”
Derpy poked her on the cheek. “Vinyl. Hey.”
“I KNEW CARRYING SHOES IN MY MANE WAS A GOOD IDEA!”
“Hey.”
“I’M A FLIPPING GENIUS!”
“Vinyl, I’ve been slaying this guy for…” She frowned and rubbed her chin. “How much has it been? Forty-five minutes?”
“TIME DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE.”
“Okay, so around forty-five minutes then—Vinyl, I’ve been slaying this guy for forty-five minutes and it did nothing. I’m fairly sure a random shoe is not going to do anything.”
“No, no, I can deal with this!” Vinyl turned to Derpy. Her grin was twitching a little. “Just let me at him! In the meantime, I guess you can cover the door if you want to, and—”
“Octavia is driving you nuts, isn’t she?”
“OH MY FLIPPING LUNA EVERY SINGLE ONE OF OUR FRIENDS IS AN IDIOT! I CAN’T TAKE IT!”
Derpy nodded and patted Vinyl on the head. “There, there. I’m sure you can solve it if you try.”
“BELIEVE ME, I HAVE TRIED!”
“I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH.”
They ignored him. “I CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT ANYMORE, DERPY!” Vinyl said, grabbing Derpy’s shoulders. “PLEASE, LET ME JUST—”
“What? You want me to help them instead?” Derpy shook her head and pushed Vinyl back. “You know I can’t do that.”
“BUT—”
“I know you’re stressed, but… Running away from your responsibilities? Trying to fight the Dark Lord instead of facing your friends?” Derpy sighed. “That is not the way to do it, and you know it. Let the Chosen One take Squidboy, and you go help Octavia.”
“BUT—”
“Vinyl.” Derpy looked at Vinyl straight in her eyes. For once, she wasn’t wall-eyed. “Listen to me. Don’t you see it? That is not how this is supposed to happen. We’re working with Destiny, here.” She pointed at the walls, at the dark void in the sky, at the flames. “You see this? Do you think you can deal with it? Honestly?”
“WHY ARE YOU IGNORING M—”
“I just…” Vinyl gulped, and looked down. “I just wanted to…”.
“Look, this is happening for a reason. I know it.” Derpy patted her own chest. “Call it intuition, if you want, but why do you think you need to solve Octavia’s problem? What does it have to do with the door?”
“I…” Vinyl frowned. “I never thought about it, actually.”
“I did.” Derpy smirked. “By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense—unless you see that everything that’s going on? It’s not about Squidboy there.” She put a hoof on Vinyl’s shoulder. “It’s about us.”
“WHAT? THAT’S NOT RIGHT. OF COURSE IT IS ABOUT ME. I AM DESTROYING THE WORLD AS WE SPEAK, AND—”
“About us?”
“Yeah.” Derpy nodded. “I’ve been avoiding my responsibilities as the Chosen One, I see that now. And you…”
A moment of silence.
“Okay, you’ve just been yourself. Which, not gonna lie here, is kind of a problem.”
“Eh.” Vinyl shrugged. “It’s a reasonable argument.”
“So anyway, yes.” Derpy nodded again. “This is about us, a lesson for us to learn. We gotta face our demons. In my case?” She pointed at the World Eater. “It’s a literal demon. In your case, however, it’s a metaphorical one. I can’t fight your battles, Vinyl, and you can’t fight mine. And until we learn that, we won’t get out of here.”
Vinyl thought about Derpy’s words for a second. “So I need to help Octavia by myself?”
Derpy smiled. “Just like Nature intended.”
Nature heard those words and arched a metaphorical eyebrow. Wow, talk about baseless arguments. She hadn’t intended anything. That was kind of the point.
Vinyl opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. Her ears went flat against her head. She bit her lip, looked down, looked up again.
And eventually, she said. “…Lyra and Turner are there too.”
“I know. I pay a lot of attention to my surroundings when I fight. Kung-fu and all that stuff. Gotta concentrate in your aura and your perception and yaddah yaddah.” Derpy rolled her eyes and looked at the door. It was fairly far away, but she could hear the faint sound of somepony knocking on it. “We’re out the normal time flow, huh? Guess time’s broken for real, then.”
“WAIT. YOU KNOW THAT? DOES THAT MEAN YOU WERE ACTUALLY LISTENING TO ME WHEN I—”
“But it’s so stupid!”
“Hell yeah it’s stupid. We’re talking about our friends here.” Derpy shrugged. “But hey, I’m sure you can deal with them. Also, Squidboy would destroy you in less than a second.”
“Hey, you don’t know that!” Vinyl frowned. “The shoe hurt him!”
“No, it didn’t.”
“NO, IT DIDN’T—”
“It totally did.”
“STOP INTERRUPTING ME OR I’LL KILL YOU.”
“Vinyl, go deal with our friends.” Derpy looked at her dead in the eye, and got as serious as possible. “You don’t have any chance against the Eternal One anyway. Only the Chosen One can beat it.”
“THEN AGAIN, I’LL KILL YOU ANYWAY. STILL, DON’T INTERRUPT—”
“But you can’t win! You’re having a hard time merely staying alive, even I see that!”
“Well, yes, it’s going to be a little harder than expected,” Derpy said, nodding, “but it’s really not as bad as it sounds, I think. You see—”
“OKAY.” Its amazing how a voice with absolutely no emotion could sound so annoyed. “THAT’S IT. I HAD ENOUGH. KILLING YOU BOTH.”
The two ponies frowned and looked up. “Wait, wha—?”
SPLORCH!
A mass of tentacles, interweaved in the shape of a gigantic, greenish fist, splatted them against the floor like a mallet to a fly.
The two ponies were reduced to pulp in a second, killing them instantly.
Then the pulp caught fire.
Then the fiery snake came from under the table and ate the remains.
Then the Beast of Reckoning killed the snake.
And then, there was silence.
Mother Nature couldn’t believe what had happened. A shiver went down her metaphorical spine, cold metaphorical sweat covered her metaphorical body. Metaphorically.
All hope was lost. She understood that. Vinyl Scratch and Derpy Hooves had been the only barrier between her and the monster that had stepped into reality. Time and space didn’t work, but soon its essence would leak outside Derpy’s house, and then everything would die.
There was nothing she could do. Evil had finally won. Every living being in existence would perish in agony.
The faces on the walls coughed blood and died. The flames exploded. The black void in the sky swallowed the last stars.
And the Unearthly Beast stood there, yellow eyes gleaming. A guttural laugh, a diabolic chuckle, seized the world.
When it talked, its voice was deeper than ever.
“I RISE.”
And damnation fell upon the—
Pop!
—and damnation didn’t fall upon the world, because just then Derpy and Vinyl reappeared, right next to the place where they had been killed. They looked perfectly okay.
“Woah!” Vinyl took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes. “Flipping Luna, that was weird.”
“Ugh.” Derpy was by her side, holding her head with both hooves. “Absolutely. Say, we should—”
SPLORCH!
Silence. The Ominous Emperor splorched the corpses of the two mares one more time, just to make sure.
And then, damnation fell upon the—
Pop!
“I think my head hurts.” Vinyl eyed Derpy. “Does your head hurt too?”
“Nonexistence seems to bring migraines, yes.” Derpy looked at the Sordid Spirit. “Dude, we’re having a conversation here, and you’re not—”
SPLORCH!
Pop!
“STOP POPPING BACK TO LIFE ALREADY!”
“No.”
SPLORCH!
Pop!
“Aargh!” Derpy grabbed Vinyl and flew away, quick as a wink, and the gigantic, tentacled fist slammed the ground behind them with a sound like thunder rolling through drum factory. “You don’t get it, do you?!” she yelled, landing right next to the door. The knocking was still going on. “You can’t kill us!”
“OF COURSE I CAN! IMMORTALITY IS NOT A POWER OF THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Derpy dodged another fist. Vinyl stayed in place, but the Ominous Overlord hadn’t aimed for her, so she survived. “Sun and stars, you’re daft,” Derpy muttered. “This has nothing to do with me being the Chosen One!”
The Beast roared. A ray of Oblivion [9] spurt from its body and hit Derpy square.
[9] Nothing is more destructive than Oblivion. If Death strikes you, your existence ends. If Oblivion strikes you, you never existed in the first place.
Derpy banished, and popped back to life immediately. “Seriously, you’re wasting your time here. Not gonna work, buddy,” she said.
“AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“You don’t get it, do you?” Derpy kept dodging the Oblivion, the fists, the rage of the monster. “I mean—I knew you were dumb, but I didn’t know you were this dumb.”
“YOU OUGHT TO DIE!”
The punches got harder, the Monster got quicker, the Oblivion got more forgetful. At one point, Derpy just stopped bothering with the dodging and popped back into existence every three or four seconds.
“Seriously, this is the first time you’ve done this, right?” she managed to say between blinking in and out of reality. “I mean, your reaction is not exactly—”
“WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”
Derpy rolled her eyes and hovered above the Dark Lord. It stopped its attacks for a second.
“Because of you, you idiot,” Derpy said. “It’s impossible for any of us to die. Haven’t you realized?”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”
Derpy allowed herself to smirk. “You’ve been bragging about it all the time, haven’t you? I told Vinyl before—words have power. Words from endlessly powerful beings have endless power. And if you repeat something enough times, it becomes true.
The Beast of Reckoning opened its many eyes wide. “NO. YOU CAN’T MEAN—”
“Exactly, darling.” Derpy smiled. It was a smile with more fire than many stars. “We can’t die. Nopony can die. Because you’ve killed death itself.”
Silence.
There was a knock on the door.
Vinyl looked at it, then at Derpy, then at the Sire of Suffering. She chose to ignore the door for now.
“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I KILLED DEATH? FOR REAL?!”
“You’ve been bragging about it quite a lot, yes.” Derpy was stabbed by a single tentacle, right through the left side of her chest. She turned black and rotted in a couple seconds, then popped back into existence. “So yeah, you can’t really kill anything. Congratulations, you just thwarted your own evil plans. Way to go.”
“THAT MAKES NO SENSE! THAT’S NOT HOW LOGIC WORKS!”
“Oh, not that stuff again,” Vinyl muttered. “Stop being such a nerd, sandwich boy!”
“I AM NOT A NERD. I AM NOT A SANDWICH BOY, EITHER. I AM THE KILLER OF DE—UH.”
Silence.
“THAT IS STILL NOT HOW LOGIC WORKS!
Mother Nature heard that, and looked at Logic. Logic whistled and turned his gaze to the other side, suddenly demonstrating a great interest in a spot of metaphorical dust that just happened to be metaphorically hanging around.
“It doesn’t?” Derpy cocked her head to the side. Another tentacle went against her, but she swung the Thunder Blade, and the appendage quivered and fell to the ground, a clean cut on its base. “Well, then you tell me why I’m not dying, big boy!”
“DEATH IS NOT A THING YOU CAN KILL!”
“Hey, I didn’t make the rules. Your fault.”
“Woo!” Vinyl raised a hoof to the heavens. “Immortality! We’re so good at fighting evil.”
“BUT YOU HAVE TO DIE! I KILL EVERYTHING THAT DARES TO FACE ME!”
“Well, yes. You do that.” Derpy looked at the Thunder Blade. It shimmered with white light. Sparkled like a star in the middle of an oil pool. It was sharp enough to make a shing noise every time it moved. “You just killed a little too much, and in the wrong order, that’s all. So yeah. There’s no way for you to kill us.”
The Judge of Eternity retreated a little. “IF DEATH IS NO MORE, THEN YOU CAN’T KILL ME EITHER. THIS IS A DRAW.”
Derpy smirked. She pointed at the Damnation Duke with it. It made a shing noise. “Oh, but is it?”
The Sergeant of Suffering took another step back.
Mother Nature suppressed a metaphorical giggle.
“Oooooooh!” Vinyl grinned at the abomination. “Rhetorical questions! She’s already won!”
The Flesh-Eater Faustus glared at Vinyl. It was a glare that could end civilizations. “SHE’S BLUFFING.”
Vinyl took off her glasses and met the Beast’s stare with one on her own. That was a glare that could witness civilizations end without giving a damn about it. “Oh, is she?”
“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU.”
“Oh, don’t I?”
“YOU ARE JUST BEING RHETORICAL FOR THE SAKE OF BEING RHETORICAL.”
“Oh, am I?”
The Abomination and Vinyl stared at each other for a couple seconds.
“OKAY.” The Abomination was the first one blinking. “THAT’S IT. ENOUGH. I’M MAIMING YOU NOW.”
BLAM!
Vinyl went flying against one of the faces in the walls, which promptly opened its mouth and bit off one of her legs…
…or at least what was left of it, anyway. By the time Vinyl arrived there, she had already rotten and half-disintegrated.
Pop! “Or are you?” she said.
“I LITERALLY JUST DID!”
“Actually, you didn’t,” Derpy said, not moving from the point she’d been hovering around for the last five minutes. Both the Beast and Vinyl looked at her. “That’s kind of my point, actually. You can’t maim us, or hurt us, or do anything. You can only kill.”
Vinyl’s eyes opened wide. “…Evil only has to win once,” she said.
“Exactly!” Derpy winked at Vinyl. “And if we die, we come back. Death is not a big deal anymore. So no matter what you do, Squidboy, you won’t really hurt us. Because we can’t die, and you can only kill.”
“I CAN BRING DAMNATION UPON YOUR BODIES AND BURN THEM IN HEATHEN FIRE—”
“That’s killing.”
“OH. I CAN ALSO DESTROY YOUR SOULS AND SUCK THE AIR OUT OF YOUR LUNGS SO—”
“Also killing.”
Silence.
“OKAY, SO WHAT ABOUT THIS—I GET YOUR HEAD, AND THEN I FILL IT WITH SNAKES.”
“You have a really small repertoire, did you know that?” Derpy shook her head slowly, like a disappointed grandmother. “You can only kill. Murder and destruction’s all you got. Now, me?” She looked at the Thunder Blade again. Shing. “I don’t really need to kill. I can just hurt.”
Vinyl gulped. When Derpy looked at the Beast, her eyes were colder than ice.
“Abominations like you are immortal, but you can feel pain. This sword can bring you hell.”
Derpy’s eyes sparkled with the Thunder Blade’s shimmer.
Her mane creaked with pure energy.
Her wings seemed to be bigger, whiter.
“This sword will bring you hell,” she whispered.
She didn’t look like a pegasus, Vinyl noticed. She looked like an angel. Whatever that was.
“Every time you kill me, I’ll come back and fight you. No matter how many times I lose, I’ll rise again. You only have one hit.” She crouched. “I have too many to be counted.”
Derpy charged.
The Tentacled Terror hollered and charged back.
They collided.
Time passed.
After a while, numbers stop making sense. The difference between thousands and millions and billions becomes blurry, and when Time has been broken, it’s even harder to keep count. You just get tired.
Mother Nature and Logic witnessed the fight, and even they felt it was long. Long enough to be seen against the backdrop of eternity, something to be remembered by the Powers that Will Always Be. They all gathered to witness the showdown.
The Beast didn’t have a chance, they all knew that. It was just a matter of Time. When someone—Statistics, probably; he was always the first one to talk about this kind of stuff—mentioned that Time was no more so that latter part didn’t name sense, Logic got interested in a spot of metaphorical dust again.
So the ponies fought against the Evil one.
Ponies, plural. Vinyl participated, now and then, if only because there was nothing else to do. She contributed absolutely nothing to the fight and suffered countless deaths, but it was either that or tic-tac-toe, and she was really bad at tic-tac-toe.
That’s probably what angered the Eldest God the most.
So the battle was long, but it wasn’t endless. Even infinite creatures eventually meet their end. The Thunder Blade worked hard on the Thing From The Other Side, and one by one, the tentacles were cut off. And when more grew, they were cut off again.
When the tentacles ended, Derpy went for the eyes. Then, for the stomach. Then, for the head.
Derpy had been right. The creature couldn’t die, but it could feel pain. And, at one point, Pain becomes so great it becomes indistinguishable from dying.
Even though it was immortal, even though Death had been killed, eventually, Nature found a way. Its power had been drained way too much, and, in a way, Death resurrected.
Mother Nature and Statistics looked at Logic again when this happened. Logic just rolled his metaphorical eyes and said, in a rather sharp tone, that he’d had a very stressful week, so could they please cut him a little bit of slack, thank you very much.
Mother Nature apologized, and looked back at the two ponies.
And, ultimately, Derpy was proved right again.
They won.
The stars reappeared, the black void went away. The faces in the walls withered and fell, and the spikes on the ground crumbled. The black blood dried, the purple flames died, and with a sparkle and a whooosh sound, everything went back to normal.
Well, almost.
“They’re still knocking at the door?!”Vinyl said, distress in her voice. “Come on, give me a break!”
Derpy glared at Vinyl. “Are you seriously telling me,” she said, “that you had literal centuries to solve Octavia’s problem, and you somehow have managed to somehow mess it up? Seriously?”
“No, you don’t get it.” Vinyl raised a hoof and shook her head. “Like, I am dead serious when I say there’s no way to solve this. They’re just too stupid. I can’t magically solve their problems with just a little bit of advi—”
“I gave you a cowboy speech.” Derpy crossed her legs, and looked at Vinyl with the disappointed look of a mother who just realized her child is an idiot. “I gave you a full-on cowboy speech about responsibility, and destiny, and all that crap. And you still didn’t solve Octavia’s problem. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I—”
“You realize cowboy speeches are not something you can take lightly, right? I mean, what do I do now? Do you think I can go and look at myself in the mirror after this?”
“But Derpy, it’s—!”
“We can’t even get out!” Derpy pointed at the door. “It’ll zap us dead! Do you think you’re the only one who wants to get out or something?!”
“Look, I just couldn’t—!”
“No, no, don’t bother. I guess I’ll have to deal with this.” Derpy gave her a last roll of her eyes, and opened the door. Turner was at the other side, looking distressed. “Hey,” Derpy said, her tone as sharp as a knife made of multiple smaller knives. “The last Jewel was inside your heart all this time, and only you can save the Princess. Congratulations.”
She slammed the door shut (Blam!), and opened it again. This time it was Octavia.
“Stop being an idiot,” Derpy said.
Blam! and she opened the door again. Lyra.
“Stop stabbing ponies,” Derpy said.
Blam! Octavia again.
“Introduce Etude to Lyra.”
Blam! Lyra.
“Start stabbing ponies again.”
Blam!
And then, silence.
Vinyl opened her mouth to say something, but Derpy shut her up with a glare. “A moment,” she muttered.
A moment passed.
There was another knock on the door. Derpy opened it.
At the other side stood Time Turner, Lyra Heartstrings, and Octavia Philharmonica, the three of them smiling like little fillies who just discovered there’s been a horrible accident and now the bully in their class is an orphan.
“Etude is in the hospital, and our new conductor adores me!” Octavia said.
“The Lizardfolk went back underground and Bon Bon’s prophecy was proven wrong—the Sentient Planet has been defeated! Equestria is saved!” Turner said. “Also there are, like, twenty guys bleeding on the street.”
“I tied my knife to the baseball bat.” Lyra showed them her new invention. “I doubled the fun. I deserve fame and fortune.”
Slowly, veeeery slowly, Derpy popped a leg out the door. It passed the threshold just fine.
Then she squinted at Vinyl. “Twelve seconds,” she said. “Took me twelve seconds.”
“I—that—what?!” Vinyl looked at Derpy, then at her friends at the other side of the door, then at Derpy again. “What the hell was that?!”
“I’m never wasting another cowboy speech on you ever again.”
“No! Hey!” Derpy went back inside the house, and Vinyl followed. “Hey! That was magic! What you just did was magic, and I don’t accept any other explanation!”
“You are an idiot. That’s the explanation.”
“Um. Girls?” Turner entered the room and looked around at the dried blood, the ashes, the signs of the battle. “What the hell happened in here? And where is your table?”
“Long story!” Derpy said, still frowning. “And Vinyl burned it with a magical ancient sword!”
Turner blinked. “What?”
“Doesn’t matter! I’m gonna make myself another sandwich!” Derpy made a huff and headed for the kitchen. “It’s been ages since I ate one!”
“Woah.” Octavia followed Turner, and looked at Derpy as she disappeared down the corridor. “What got into her?”
“Eh.” Vinyl shrugged. “She’ll get over it, she’s just a little angry at me.” She frowned. “Also, Derpy! Try not to mess up this sandwich too! Remember what happened last time you—”
“Go to hell, Vinyl,” Derpy said.
“Geez.” Vinyl turned to her friends and shot them an apologetic smile. “She’s had… day? Week?” She frowned. “A hard time lately.”
“She messed up a sandwich?” Lyra looked at Vinyl. “How do you even mess up a sandwich?”
“Pffft. Don’t let me get started.” Vinyl put a leg over Octavia’s shoulders. “Also, I gotta give you a letter, can’t forget that.”
“A letter?”
“Yeah. Come back in, I don’t know, two days or so? And then knock on the door and give me the letter. Ignore whatever happens in the background.”
“Hmm.”
And so, the adventure ended, Mother Nature said. The house was no longer of any interest to them. They were all safe. Evil had been defeated.
Slowly, Logic, Statistics, and all the rest went away to mind their business. Mother Nature too had duties to attend, and so she drifted away, back to the ethereal realm, where abstract concepts wander and do abstract things in a conceptual sense.
And Vinyl rested her back on the chair once more, missing a table on which to carve obscene words, and sighed. “Boy, I’m pretty tired,” she said as the sounds of Derpy cutting bread and opening drawers came from the kitchen. “I really feel like sleeping, to be honest—”
And then a slightly deeper, slightly more menacing Voice of the Legion came from the kitchen and interrupted her. “FROM THE DEPTHS OF TIME, I RISE.”
And the walls started bleeding dark blood again.
“OH, COME ON!”
The High Priestess of Ha’Shaghla chanted the last words of the enchantment and lowered the Rod of Summoning. The Magic Circle glimmered with a red light as the Dark Horrors came upon this world, the air became colder, the walls trembled and creaked…
Pop!
And a sandwich appeared midair and fell to the ground with a chlof.
“Oh, come on!”
Author's Note
The fridge horror is that Octavia is a stepmom now and nobody seems to care.
