Uncle John's Story Time

by Queue de Spool

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1802

It's been more than a decade since John met Twilight and her friends, and he's getting old. He never found love for himself because... Horses. Duh. But! He did find his own happiness by becoming an honorary uncle for the next generation.

It's been more than a decade since John met Twilight and her friends, and he's getting old. He never found love for himself because… Horses. Duh. But! He did find his own happiness by becoming an honorary uncle for the next generation.

This is a slice of life story inspired by my frustrating niece. This is more about the children interacting than anything else.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-15 05:11:46 UTC

Mr. Bigglesworth is a good kitty, yes she is!

“Once upon a time, in a place far away–”

“How fah away, uncle John?” I was interrupted by an orange-red filly, Applesauce. She was busy climbing up the sofa, where the other foals, Rubity and Bright Night, sat. Applesauce was Applebloom’s daughter, Rubity was Rarity’s daughter, and Bright Night was Twilight’s son.

“Well, let’s see… What’s the furthest distance you know?”

“It takes fo’evah to get back to Manehattan to see aunt Babs. Is that far away?”

“No, it’s not! You just get bored! Mommy says a lady should be patient, especially when looking for her knight in shining barding.”, Rubity said.

“Of course youse content to sit and wait, you was raised here. In the sticks. I like the fast life of the city where yah ain’t gotta wait fah’ no silly ‘knight in shining bahding’ to have fun.”

“Well Mommy says–”

“The moon’s really far away, mister John. That’s why Princess Luna was so lonely, right?” Bright Night asked.

“That’s right, the moon is incredibly far away, several hundred thousand kilometers away. This place is even further away than the moon.” I was happy to have an excuse to get back on track. Applesauce and Rubity argued almost as much as a Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle did back in the days of the Crusaders.

“That’s impossible. My geography book said there’s nothing further away than the sun and the moon. Here, let me show you.” He dug his wing into his book bag, of course he brought a book bag, and pulled out a book. “Now just let me find that page...”

“Do you think maybe I could just tell my story?”

“Ah, sorry...”, he said, although he still paged through his book.

“Anyway! Once upon a time, in a place far away, further away than you can imagine, I was born.”

“Huh?”

“What?”

“No, I’m serious”, I said. “I’m not from Elysium. Haven’t you ever wondered why you’ve never seen any others of my kind before?”

“I thought youse was just malfahmed, like a hai’ahless minotau’ah.”

“He’s not a minotaur, he’s plantigrade. Look at his feet.”

“Well I said he was malfahmed, didn’t I? So what if he doesn’t have plantations on his feet.”

“Plantigrade, Applesauce. Plantigrade. It means he stands on his hocks.”

“Ow, wouldn’t that huht?”

“Anyway”, I interrupted. “I come from a place called Earth. It’s very similar to Elysium in many ways, but very different in other ways. For example, Earth has no magic.”

“Mister John, that’s impossib–”

“No, Bright Night, it’s not impossible. I know what you’re going to say, magic is necessary for life, magic is a fundamental aspect of the universe, you can’t just throw away the laws of physics. I’ve heard it all from your mother before.” I let my words sink in a moment before continuing. ”By now your mother should have taught you a spell called “Detect Life”. I want you to use it and tell me what you see.”

Though an alicorn, Bright Night never took to magic as well as Twilight did. At heart he was more of a pegasus, so it took him several sputtering tries to ignite his horn and perform the spell.

“I see… Rubity, she’s a pink color. Applesauce, she’s green. Mr. Bigglesworth is in the kitchen, she’s blue. Where are you, mister John?”, he asked.

“That’s the trick, isn’t it? “Detect Life” is a sub-spell of “Detect Magic”. It can’t see me because I have no magic. Because I came from a world without magic.”, I said.

“Then how do you know so much about magic? Mommy says it’s rare for non-unicorns to know anything about magic.”, Rubity asked.

“Well, that’s another story for another time. The short version is when I was a younger man I went on a lot of adventures with your mothers, and I made a point of learning as much about this world as I could.”

“Could youse tell us that one instead? I want to heah about mom bucking butt!”, Applesauce shouted.

“You’ve heard those stories before, though. In fact, many of them should be in your history books by now. My stories, though, I only ever told them to Twilight. You’ll be the first ponies in over a decade to ever hear these.”

“Will they have dragons, mister John? Like uncle Spike?”

“Hmm… They’re not exactly like Spike, but I suppose you could call them dragons.” I snapped my fingers. “Actually, that’s a much better story to tell! I was originally going to tell you how I got to Elysium, but this will be much more interesting. Just let me gather my thoughts for a few moments.”

I cleared my throat before speaking. “Ladies, tomboys, and bookworms, this is the story of Enola Gay and Bockscar, legendary dragons of the second World War, and the only true wielders of the legendary Atomic Fire.

“Enola Gay and Bockscar were part of a dragonflight known as “the Super Fortresses”. They were named in honor of their predecessors, the Flying Fortresses, who were famous for their reliability and the extreme lengths they took to bring their dragonriders home safely.”

“Dragonriders? What are dragonriders?”, Rubity asked.

“In those days it was common for dragons to carry humans into battle. Humans have their own forms of long range combat, similar to crossbows, which they used to protect their dragons. The idea was the dragon could save its fire for a ground target while the humans protected it.”, I explained.

“So the humans and the dragons protected each othah? How did youse get so close? I heahd Spike’s the only pony-friendly dragon in the whole wohld.”

“Well, why do you think Spike is friendly to ponies?”

“Well, he’s always been around us, ain’t he?”

“Exactly, Applesauce. He was raised with ponies. We raised our dragons, too.”

“Didn’t they have mothahs?”

“... No, not really. Our dragons weren’t the most… maternal creatures.” I had wanted to keep the story familiar with what they knew, but I was starting to question my decision to describe airplanes as dragons. What made it worse was I was already in too deep.

“That’s kinda sad, don’tchya think, uncle John?”, Applesauce asked.

“It is a bit, I guess, but the dragons never seemed to mind. They were always happy enough with humans.”, I said. “Anyway, Enola Gay and Bockscar were stationed on the western front of the war against an aggressor called Japan.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bright Night scribbling down notes on a sheet of paper. I smirked at how much he was like his mother.

“Japan desired to be the dominant naval power of the Pacific Ocean, the largest ocean on Earth, so the conflict began after it attacked a naval station called Pearl Harbor. As you might guess, the war was very difficult because of the incredibly long distances between targets. Sometimes the Super Fortresses had to fly for thousands of kilometers in a single day to complete their missions.”

“But mister John, how could they fly so much?”, Bright Night asked.

“These dragons weren’t like the dragons you know. These dragons were renowned for their legendary endurance and drive.”

“But still, thousands of kilometers in a single day? How fast were they going?”

“It’s been a long, long time since I’ve studied the Super Fortresses… It was somewhere between 300 and 600 kilometers per hour, I think.”

“Really? Even aunt Rainbow Dash can’t fly that fast. How did they do it? I mean, weren’t they really big?”

“They were, but it’s important to realize these dragons weren’t exactly… natural creatures. Humans and dragons had been working together for decades to improve their flying capabilities.”

“Do you think it’d be possible for you to do that for me and my flying?”

“Probably not, Bright Night, I’m not an expert in the field.”

“C’mon, Bright Night! Shut up! Quit askin’ so many questions so he can get on wit’ the story!”, Applesauce said.

“But it doesn’t make sense! If I can’t follow the story he might as well not be telling it! Right, Rubity?”

“As a lady, I will refrain from entertaining your petty– HEY!” As Rubity was speaking, Applesauce yanked her tail, dragging the poor, unicorn foal off the sofa and across the room.

“You ain’t a lady, youse a commonah like me. You momma ain’t never mahrried heah Prince Blueblood!”

“I am too a lady! Mommy was given a title by Celestia herself! She’s the Element of Generosity, so I’m the Lady of Generosity!”

“If youse a lady, then I’m a lady, too! See how cheap you titles are? Even I gots one!”

“Actually”, Bright Night interrupted, “I’m the only one here with a title. The title, “Element”, doesn’t transfer to children. Even if it did Applesauce still wouldn’t have a title because her mother was Applebloom, not Applejack.”

Both of the fillies turned to Bright Night and in unison shouted. “Shut up, you know-it-all!”

“I wouldn’t be a know-it-all if either of you were a know-anything!”

As much as their screams and arguments annoyed me, I couldn’t help feeling nostalgic for the Crusaders again. It wasn’t just the fighting, it was the pure idiocy of interrupting the story when the story being interrupted was the cause of the fight.

“You know!”, I projected my voice. “The longer you fight the longer you’ll wait to hear the story!”

“Can’t stop, too busy wrangling this Manehattanite for messing up my tail!”

“Hah! Shows how ladylike you are!”, Applesauce said.

“Mommy says even a lady knows when to get her hooves dirty!”

“Is that all you can ever say? Mommy says! Mommy says! Why not speak for yourself for once?”, Bright Night said. “Or would that require opening a book and actually learning something?”

“I don’t need to learn anything! I’m gonna be a trophy wife like grandma!”

“Hey, what’s the difference between “mommy says” and “book says”? Ain’t nuthin’, Bright Night! Youse bad as she is!”

“Books tell me what is, not what to think! That’s the difference!”

“And what’d they tell you what is? Apparently not a stick up you bum huhts!”

“I do not have a stick up my bum!”

I facepalmed. There was no way to stop them when they fought like this. I decided to see if Mr. Bigglesworth needed food.

===

“Whose a good kitty? You is! Yes, you! And you want to hear my story, don’t you?” I poured food into her bowl. She didn’t need more food, but there was a hole in the center of what she had. No matter what dimension, cat’s are weird.

“Meow.”, Mr. Bigglesworth meowed. She was not known for being much of a conversationalist.

“Well, anyway, that’s when Fat Man was loaded into Bockscar’s bomb bay...”