DJ's Guests

by Solid Poison

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Romance, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 90642

DJ here! Things are looking up for me right now... New car... new house... 4 new mouths to feed... And they're not human mouths either! Wait what? They come in white, purple, pink and dark blue and I can tell you that they're interesting characte

DJ here! Things are looking up for me right now... New car... new house... 4 new mouths to feed... And they're not human mouths either!

Wait what?

They come in white, purple, pink and dark blue and I can tell you that they're interesting characters... That drive me completly insane, yet look completely innocent and adorable!
So...Like I said... Interesting characters indeed.

Oh and don't forget Tom! My little Kittie cat!

A what if story featuring DJ. Reading the Misadventures of DJ is not required.
M for Language and awkward sexual situations (no Lemons)

Update: this is now my Main story while Misadventures of DJ is being rewritten on the sidelines.

Added sex tag for intense "teasing" and borderline clop to come later.

Featured on June 14th 2015, July 16 2015, July 26 2015....uh...every time I update basically.

Published 2015-04-15 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-28 09:55:52 UTC

Chapter 2: First morning

Chapter 2: First morning

I jerked awake unpleasantly, my heart jumping, sweating and breathing heavily. I basically had one of those stupid moments when you feel like you're falling in bed, then you freak out until you realize you're not. Damn. I feel like absolute shit. Its like fucking 9 am so I only slept for like 7 hours? Not that bad I guess. I sat up in my bed and yawned.

In my bed...

In my bed?

IN MY BED!!!

Didn't I sleep on the couch? Why the fuck am I in the bed? Did I get up in the middle of the night and come upstairs? Wait no...forget that! Wasn't CELESTIA sleeping here!? I quickly jumped out of bed in horror. Only to realize she wasn't even in the bed.

Thank god.

This is really strange. What if all that crap yesterday was just a dream? What if they werent really here? I quickly stretched and left my room, walking down the hallway and coming down the stairs. I heard the telltale sound of something frying on the stove and the wonderful smell of eggs. Last time I checked, Tom doesn't cook eggs soo... I guess everything WAS real.

Or some crazy bitch broke into my house to make me breakfast.

I took another step and suddenly felt something warm and furry under my feet. Then the sound of a cat meowing loudly jerked me out of my sleepy state and I lost my footing. I went crashing down the stairs once again.

"I fucking swear Tom! Do that shit ONE MORE TIME!" I barked, rubbing my back and grumbling In pain and annoyance. Tom just licked his paw and walked away somewhere, like he couldn't give less of a fuck. Fucking cat pisses me off, he's lucky I didn't fully step on him.

Suddenly I heard the sound of someone rushing over from the kitchen.

"Good morning Derrick! Are you alright?" I heard Celestia ask.

"*Grunt* morning to you too.... I'm fine..." I say as I stood hunched over with my hands on my knees grunting painfully.

"Are you certain?"

"Very certain..."

"You look....sore..."

"Probably because I fell down the stairs yesterday too.." I muttered.

"You did???" Celestia blurts in surprise.

"Yeah...your sister found it...'amusing'..."

"It would be...if you weren't in pain... Do you want me to heal you?"

"Please... No magic, I'll be alright.." I said, starting to get irritated. I stood up fully and stretched out my arms. Now I REALLY feel like shit.

"Well...if you say so..." Celestia said as she turns around and walks back toward the kitchen. I glance at her oddly, giving her a double take. Then I narrowed my eyes and immediately followed her in the kitchen. She was indeed frying eggs but I wasn't remotely worried about that at the time. Should I say something? I swear it wasn't like that yesterday! Her existence is impossible in the first place but this...this is just beyond logi-

*AHEM*

"Is there something you wanted?"

"Huh?" I say shaking my head in confusion.

"You've been staring at me for 2 minutes..." Celestia said with a slightly creeped out expression. Then she lowered her ears slightly.

"It's beginning to make me uncomfortable..." She added. I blinked a few times then narrowed my eyes.

"Please help me understand something here Princess..." I said blankly.

"Ok. What don't you understand?" She asked tilting her head.

"Well...how do I put this...." I say as I give her a hard look. She raised her brow and fumbled with the eggs.

"First of all. It WASN'T like that yesterday. Right?"

"What are you referring to?" She asks. Then she followed my gaze and it seemed to dawn on her because she blinked with realization.

"Yes, im talking about your fucking rainbow hair that flows in nonexistent wind!" I snap. She fixates me with a look I honestly can't read then starts to snicker.

"What? You think this is funny? I don't see any fans and I certainly don't see any fucking open windows! How Is it moving like that??" I almost yelled, making Celestia break out into full laughter. I exclaim in frustration, walk next to her and start looking in my cabinets. I need some fucking coffee.

"Fuckin...tall talking pegacorns..." I complained under my breath as I started up the coffee machine and got my coffee mug ready.

"Alicorns..." Celestia corrected with a giggle.

"Pegacorns, Unicorns, Alicorns, Candycorns WHATEVER!" I shot back in annoyance. Celestia started snickering again and I facepalmed.

"What's funny now?" I demand, glaring at her angrily.

"You have quite the temper..." She remarked, still snickering behind her hoof.

"What's so funny about that?" I say, my eye twitching slightly.

"You look adorable when you're angry." She said with a giggle. She moved her hoof and bopped me lightly on the nose, making me blush. I deadpanned and took my coffee to my living room area, shaking my head in annoyance. I took a few sips and let out a satisfied breath. I always hook my coffee up with all that milk, cream and sugar bullshit, its just so delicious!

"This is how I normally look by the way. My power is slowly starting to return." Celestia said from the kitchen. I turned around on my couch and glanced at her in the kitchen, raising my brow.

"That's NORMAL??" I exclaimed.

"Yes it is. What? You don't like it?" Celestia asked sarcastically, running a hoof through her hair. It almost looked... Transparent? And it sparkled and gleamed all over the place like a fuckin disco ball.

"Girls don't walk around with massless rainbow colored hair here..." I said blankly, getting Celestia to snicker.

"And for the record, I liked it better when it was just pink and not defying the laws of physics..." I add. Celestia giggles again and turns back to her eggs. Should I be worried about the fact that she's using the stove? Nah, it looks like she knows what she's doing.

"I suppose that's the closest to a compliment that I'll get..." Celestia said with a smirk that made me turn back and roll my eyes. That hair is just adding to the list of things that make me question my current mental state. I decided to watch a little TV before I played any Xbox because I'm still kinda sleepy. Then I remember something I wanted to ask her.

"Hey Princess?"

"Yes Derrick?"

"How the heck did I get back in my bed?"

"Oh! I woke up quite early out of habit and saw you sleeping on the couch. You did look rather uncomfortable, so I moved you back to your bed since I was no longer using it. " She explained with a sincere grin.

"Thanks?" I muttered awkwardly. I don't like the idea of these ponies watching me sleep, I hope she didn't do anything to me... I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

I grab the remote and glance up at my TV hanging on the wall a short distance from my couch. It's a 4k TV that I forgot the dimensions of and its just another thing I bought because I have no clue what to do with all the extra money I have now. I turn on the tv and it sparks to life. The first thing I see is the news. However... the top story was something... Disturbing.

*Scientists today are completely baffled. One of the biggest unexplainable events in history has happened. Ealier today the Sun rose an entire hour earlier than it should have. Currently scientists are investigating what may have caused this incredible phenomenon-*

My brain just crashed, you'll have to give me a minute here, bullshit overload, you know how it is...

...

...

...

*deep breath*

Ok.

Time to think.
4 strange magical horses...er ponies appear in my house. I repeat, MAGICAL ponies. Luna said she could move the MOON and I thought she was full of shit of course. Then Celestia said she could move the...the....

Oh....no....This bitch did not...

I slowly turned my head back to where Celestia was in the kitchen and she was staring blankly at the TV, looking completely guilty and mind blown. Then her gaze slowly shifted to me and her eyes widened. Her ears drooped down and she smiled nervously.

"Oops?" She said timidly. I stare at her wordlessy, unsure of what to do or say next. My hand wobbles and a drop of coffee spills, as anger slowly starts to rise. I take a long sip of coffee and set it on my coffee table with a heavy sigh. Then I look Celestia over again and slowly shake my head.

"Put...it...back..." Is all I said. Celestia nods and her horn flashes golden again. Is that really all it takes? Just a little glow and she can move a massive ball of raging plasma hundreds of thousands of miles away? Wait a second.... We orbit the sun... Which means that technically moving the sun would screw up our orbit...not change the time of-Fuck! OK OK! Freaking out again!

I start hyperventilating again and I sit, leaning forward with my head in my hands.

"Its gonna be cool DJ. The Princess put it back." I whispered to myself. Celestia nervously called from the kitchen.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah....yeah...I'm...cool..." I said calmly. Then I get this spine tingling feeling that goes through my body."Just trying not to go insane you know... Talking ponies was a lot to take in..." I said as I shakingly drink my coffee again. "I can't believe you moved the...fucking sun" I squeak timidly with a horrified expression as I began to shake again.

"Derrick what kind of eggs do you like?" Celestia asks, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Sunny side up..." I say before immediately face palming.

"Scrambleled" I correct. I couldn't see her reaction but I have to turn the news off because its not helping me fend off this freak out. Heh...scrambled eggs....like my fucking mind right now. I decided to start up my Xbox and play something to try and get my mind off of the fucking sun magic bullshit. Maybe murdering a few idiots online will make me feel better?

"What is that strange device anyway?" Celestia asked. I turned around and she was pointing at the TV.

"Its called a TV. Its a human entertainment device..." I said as I stand up and look through my games. I have pretty much any action game out on Xbox one right now. I decide to play Battlefield 4 because I feel like blowing stuff up. Celestia stays silent as I grab my controller and sit back in my seat. The game hits the title screen and I stop because I feel a disturbamce in my personal space. Then 2 pink hooves slowly wrapped around my neck, making me jump. I quickly turn to see Cadence smiling at me.

"Good morning..." She said as she leaned In and...rubbed her face into my cheek, making me squirm and push her away.

"Uh...yeah...hi Cadence. What the hell are you doing?" I demand with a blush.

"I was being nice and saying good morning..." Cadence said with an innocent smile.

"Well be nice and say good morning.... from over there...." I said as I point away towards the kitchen area. Her ears droop down and she adopts a forlorn expression. I let it slide yesterday but I'm not going to let these fucking ponies touch me and do...whatever that cheek shit was. Cadence walked over to Princess Celestia and...did that cheek thing again as they said good morning to each other.

"Ok what is that thing you're doing?" I asked loudly. They both turn toward me and look puzzled.

"What thing?" They both ask.

"That weird...rub my fuckin face into your cheek thing?" I demand.

"Do you mean nuzzling? We ponies do it to show affection..." Celestia explained. I blink a few times and wordlessly turn back to the TV. Cadence and Celestia started to talk, prompting me to tune out. Nuzzling is weird as shit, "I like you so let me rub my fucking face into your cheek!". Then a again... Kissing is weird too when you think about it, " I like you so let's smoosh our mouths together and connect our taste organs." But I guess thats why there's just some things you dont think about to hard.
I groan in annoyance when I remember that I left my phone upstairs. I take a sip of coffee then, get up and start heading towards the stairs. Before I reach them I see Twilight coming down them, looking like she hasn't slept since the dinosaur age.

"Ah good morning my faithful student!" Celestia said happily.

"Goodmorning everypony.... And DJ..." She said in a lifeless tone. I looked at her and started chuckling.

"Holy shit, you've never seen a bed before!" I teased. Twilight ignored me and nuzzled Cadence and Celestia sleepily.

"Did you stay up reading again Twilight?" Cadence asked, fixating her with a stern look.

"Was there ever any doubt Cadence?" Celestia asks with a giggle.

"I was going to limit myself to one book but humans and their technology were just so fascinating!" Twilight said, suddenly perking up. What books did I have in that room again? Oh yeah... Encyclopedias, fact books. shit like that.

I was going to continue up the stairs when I realized my phone was really just sitting there on my coffee table which made me facepalm. Being sleepy sucks donkey butt.

"Apprantly humans have these things called televisions that let you watch all kinds of things!" She said excitedly as a creepy smile started to form on her face. What the fuck? It's like... her fucking mouth is extending off her goddamn face. Then she looked over to where I was and saw the TV. Then her fucking eyes literally started sparkling or something.

"Oh my gosh DJ! Is that a TV?" She demanded, rushing over to me.

"Um....yeah?" I said, creeped out by how excited she looked.

"I have so many questions!" She said as a feather and a scroll appeared out of nowhere with a purple flash.

What...

The...

FUCK!

I feel like I'll just be smiling and nodding to all kinds of bullshit in a few days. You can move the sun? Cool. You can make shit out of thin air? Sweet. You can Teleport? Awesome. Wait...I really hope they can't teleport...or shits will be flipped.

"What kind of power source does it use? What kind of things do humans watch on it? How many humans use or own them?" She started asking at lighting speed. The torrent of tourture only stopped because some golden magic seemed to shut her mouth closed.

"Twilight Sparkle, you can ask him questions later. Right now could you just join us in the kitchen?" Celestia asked kindly. Her horn was glowing golden so I assume she was the one that shut her up. I sighed in relief when Twilight moved away from me and went into the kitchen with the others.

"Derrick? Could you do me a small favor?" Celestia asked from the kitchen, making me turn my head to her.

"Sure why not?" I say with a shrug.

"Could you please wake Luna up for me? Her breakfast is ready.." She asked kindly. I nodded then stood up with a grunt. I'm honestly kind of sore, I should buy some icey-hot or something later. I walked over to Luna's door and raised my fist to knock.

"Oh! Please be careful... My sister is far from a morning person..." Celestia warned with a giggle. I rolled my eyes and knocked on the door. I'm far from a morning person too, I would normally be asleep right now... But of course I don't normally have 4 ponies living in my house, so go figure.

"Luna! Get up!" I said with another knock. All I hear in the room is a lazy grunt and shifting covers. I knock a few more times before starting to get annoyed.

"Wake up! Your sister made breakfast!" I said louder. I hear another lazy grunt and a sigh of annoyance.

"We art exhausted..." I heard her mutter.

"So am I, but look whos up and about ..." I said plainly. She doesn't respond for a while so I knock again.

"Luna...I swear to god I'll come in there and drag your ass out of bed..." I threatin. All I hear is another annoyed sigh and a light pout.

"Go fornicate thyself..." I heard her moan. I paused for a moment before realization hit.

Ok thats it.

I move my hand toward the doornob to open it, but I stopped before twisting it. I can't just barge in there! She might be undressed or something! Hey....wait a second...

She's ALWAYS undressed...

...in fact all 4 of them are in the nude right now!

...

Heh...that thought didn't make this awkward or anything...

I twist the nob further and it was luckily unlocked. I walked into the room grumbling too myself, standing next to the bed. She was laying on the covers looking so peaceful and innocent. Her hair now waved gracefully like her sister's, gently flowing and sparkling like the night sky itself. Honestly it was a beautiful sight... Despite how impossible it is. The sight was so beautiful that it almost made me consider not doing what I was about to do...

ALMOST.

"WAKE UP BITCH!" I barked as I threw the cover off of her, much to her annoyance.

"We request five more minutes from thou..." She says clinging to the bed comicly.

"I request for thou to get the fuck up!" I quip as I grab her by her hindlegs and start dragging her. Unfortunately for me her immediate response to that was to buck at me. Her hindleg hit me dead center in the crotch so hard, that I went flying into the nearest wall. Suffice to say, my balls and I were very surprised. The bad kind of surprised.

I hit the wall and slid down it with my face completely red and contorted in pure pain as my eyes started watering. I tried to speak but no words came, just short bitchy little squeak sounds. Luna shot out of bed when she realized what happened, and immediately rushed over to me worriedly.

"Art though well? We didnt expect thou to grab us in such a manner!" She said with concern. I still couldn't speak, I just whined in a high pitched tone with tears running down my cheeks. Luna's ears drooped down and she moved her face closer to mine and nuzzled my cheek affectionately.

"We apologize... Derrick... We did not mean it..." She whispered softly. Honestly that nuzzle made me feel a little better about having to go through excruciating pain. She hit me so fuckin hard that I'm sure future generations of my family felt that shit... Assuming there will be a future generation now.

"My balls..." I squeak with a sniff, more tears running down my eyes. Luna put her hoof to my mouth and shushed me.

"Sh...sh...we know...we know..." She said In a motherlike tone....a tone that disappeared completely when The rest of the girls came into the room to investigate. Celestia walked in first and paused at the door with a flat brow. Then Twilight walked in and did the same except she lost control of her jaw. Cadence walked and gasped in horror, her eyes mere pinpricks.

"Derrick what happened?!?" She shreiked as she ran over to me, accidentally knocking Luna away.

"My balls..." I squeaked again, wincing in pain as another tear left my eye. Then Celestia walked over to her sister with a firece look.

"Of all the places you could have bucked him it had to be THAT spot Luna?" She scolded. Luna sat there with a nervous smile and drooping ears.

"We did not intend to...." She said timidly.

"It sure LOOKS like you intended too!" Cadence said with venom, as she nuzzled my cheek.

"T'was a large target..." Luna said with a shrug. Celestia facepalmed and Cadence blushed furiously. Twilight just titlted her head in confusion.

"I dont get it, why is DJ crying?" She asked cluelssly. This time Luna and Cadence facepalmed.

"The Human anatomy book didn't say that a human male's testicles were that...sensitive..." She muttered. Before she could spout anymore nut science, Celestia shoved a hoof into her students mouth.

"God... just fucking kill me now..." I muttered with another wince as I layed my head against the wall. Then Cadence looked me in the eye with concerned eyes.

"Sh...should I kiss it to make it better?" She asked seriously. Then everyone in the room immediately deadpanned, including me. Cadence looked around cluelessely.

"What did I say?"

I slowly shook my head then tried to stand up with difficulty. Cadence gave me her hoof and used it to lift me to my feet easily. I guess she's stronger than me too...how comforting. I tried to walk, but it ended up looking like this strange awkward waddle. Celestia and the others cringed as I waddeled to the coffee table slowly, grunting in pain. I leaned on the coffee table and grabbed my cup. I took a few deep breaths then finished the last of my coffee. Then I started to laugh quietly.

"I guess I'm not going to be peeing straight... Ever..." I said with a weak chuckle. The girls looked unsure if they were supposed to laugh, or feel sorry for me. Twilight was definitely neither because she looked confused.

"Hell... I doubt I can even have kids now... Not that I wanted any in the first place..." I add with another weak chuckle. Cadence's cheeks seemed to flush after I said that, why? No clue. Didn't care because pain and shit. Princess Celestia walked over to me with a worried look.

"Do you require medical attention?" She asked. I looked at her and laughed weakly.

"Nah I'm fine..." I said as I stand up straight, wobbeling slightly. Cadence pouted and slammed her hoof on the floor.

"What's wrong with boys?! Why do they always pass up help when they obviously need it?" She asked to no one in particular in frustration. I roll my eyes and wince again.

"Serouisly I'll be ok...eventually. No need for any magic..." I said as I waddle toward the kitchen. Celestia raises her brow then I moan in pain again and immediately spin around. Who the fuck am I kidding? This hurts like a bitch! I give Celestia a look of confirmation, making her nod and charge up her magic. A few moments later she zapped my crotch with golden light and the pain instantly left. I sighed with relief and smiled.

I can feel them again!!!

"I'm so happy I could kiss you! But I won't...because that would be weird...so thanks and stuff!" I beamed with a laugh. Celestia and Luna started to giggle as I started skipping around like a fucking fairy. I had to stop when I felt a familer sensation between my legs. Then I immediately covered my crotch with my hands and blushed furiously.

"What the fuck! That spell gave me a fucking boner!" I scream as I immediately run behind a couch. All the girls blushed except Twilight.

"Um...there may have been...unforseen side effects..." Celestia says as she nervously makes a circle with her hoof on the floor.

"Unforseen side effects? It gave me a BONER!" I shouted angrily. I'm wearing basketball shorts... I need not explain further.

"Boner? What does that mean?" Twilight asked out loud. Celestia jammed her hoof into her mouth and shushed her clueless student. Then she smiled nervously.

"Um...I think its time to eat everypony! Our food is getting very cold!" She said. Twilight sighed and walked over to the table in the kitchen along with Cadence (who hasn't taken her eyes off of me the entire time) and Luna. The girls walked into the kitchen and sat at my glass dining table. It was a rectangle table that had 6 seats. Celestia had the five plates of eggs laid out on it, one of them being a plate with scrambled eggs.

"Are you going to join us Derrick?" Cadence asked timidly. I look down to my crotch then back to her.

"No...I'm just gonna hang out over here..." I said with a nervous whistle. Yeah that shit is not happening.

"Oh ok..." She said with slight disappointment, turning back to the table. I quickly hopped over my couch and sat at an angle so they couldn't see my....stuff. My plate of eggs came floating over in a golden aura, with a fork. I reached out and grabbed it and the golden energy disappeared. I looked over to the table and sure enough I saw Celestia smiling at me.

"Uh...thanks?" I said sheepishly.

"You are very welcome..." She said with a warm smile. I nod and turn back to the TV. Everything cut off because of being idle for too long. Maybe if I play some Battlefield this magic induce "Excitement" will go away.

"Xbox on..." I ordered as I grab my controller, setting it next to me and began to eat. I grabbed the fork and took a bite out of my eggs.

"..."

My god....

This shit is heavenly!

...

"It seems he enjoys your cooking sister." Luna said with a smirk.

"Indeed... Judging from that star struck expression he has." Celestia said observing the human happily munching away.

"How come you don't cook more often auntie?" Cadence asked as she moaned with pleasure after taking a bite.

"Well I'm always too busy besides.. The castle chef is a fine cook!"

"That translates to ; We art too lazy..." Luna teased.

"Oh hush Lulu..." Celestia said with a giggle.

"You know... They say the quickest way to a stallion's heart is through his stomach..." Cadence mentioned.

"I am well aware my lovely niece..." Celestia said with a wink. They all joined each other in laughter except Twilight, who eventually decided to speak up.

"So...what's a boner anyway?" She asked bluntly. Celestia choked on food, Luna's eyes widened and Cadence started blushing. When Celestia recovered from choking to death she cleared her throat.

"That is not the type of thing we discuss at the table, Twilight Sparkle..." She said calmly.

"But why not? Does that word refer to the massive erection he had? Or something else?" Twilight asks bluntly without flinching. Celestia deadpanned with a twitching eye, while Luna started to laugh loudly and Cadence just giggled.

"Yes...that is what it refers to..." Celestia admitted, grumpily.

"Ok! Just wondering! I learned some intresting things about Human biology, but nothing about Boners!" She said with an excited smile.

"Things like what?" Cadence asks with a nervous smile. Celestia facepalmed and shook her head.

"Are we really discussing such a vulgar subject?" She muttered, rolling her eyes.

"What is the issue? Let thy student discuss her findings!" Luna joked, nudging her annoyed sister. Celestia exclaimed in frustration and got up from the table.

"I will take no part in this discussion!" She stated firmly as she took her plate and walked away.

"Ok...now that our sister hath removed herself from our discussion, continue!" Luna said with a giggle. "Before we begin... Cadence? Why does thou want to know these things about humans?" Luna asked curiously. Cadence started to blush furiously.

"Um...I was just....wondering.... Thats all..." She said sheepishly, tapping her hooves together.

"Hmm...indeed... continue Twilight Sparkle.." Luna said with a nod.

"Well..." Twilight started as she tapped her hoof against the table and looked up in thought.

...

Celestia suddenly got up from the table and started walking toward the living room area, with a very annoyed look on her face. What the fuck were they talking about at that table? Doesn't matter now, because Celestia is coming over here. Thankfully my..."Excitement " was gone so I couldn't care less.

She sat on the couch next to me with a deadpan expression and I looked up to her curiously.

"So...." I started to say.

"My companions started talking about a particularly sensitive subject. So I removed myself..." She said with a deadpan expression.

"Ok then...what were they talking about?" I asked curiously. Celestia's eyes widened and her right eye twiched slightly.

"You REALLY don't want to know..." She said firmly. I raise my brow and slowly turn back to the screen with a simple nod. She looked down and sighed, turning to me with a smile.

"So what are you doing?" She asks as she looks up to the TV screen.

"Playing a game..." I said plainly as I go back to playing Battlefield.

"Neat.." She said simply. Then she just watches quietly while I play, occasionally stuffing her face with eggs.

"Your eggs were amazing by the way..."

"Thanks..."

"Your hair is actually pretty cool too..." I add randomly. She didn't respond to that and I couldn't see her expression, but I think I saw her blush from the corner of my eye. Eh...whatever, time to fuck some tanks up.

Eventually my team won the match and I laid back with a satsifyed grin. Then I got up and stretched.

"I need to go to the store and restock the fridge." I said as I walk into the kitchen. I overhear Twilight talking about human diets among other things.

"Did you know that humans are omnivores?" She said excitedly.

"Really?" Cadence gasped in shock. Luna shrugged uncaringly. They all looked at me as I paused in front of the fridge.

"I mean...there was obviously ham and bacon in the fridge..." I said with a deadpan expression.

"That was MEAT???!" Cadence shreiked, almost falling out of her chair.

"No...its just animal flesh that I keep refrigerated..." I quirk, dripping with sarcasm.

"You didn't believe me?" Celestia said as she joined us in the kitchen. Then they all started staring at me.

"Is that going to be a problem?" I ask with a raised brow. I assume that their not really meat eaters if there anything like ponies on Earth. Then again, I'm sure ponies don't eat eggs but there must be an exception or something.

"Of course not! We have many omnivores in Equestria, as well as carnivores! So I can guarantee you it won't be a problem!" Celestia said with a smile then she turned to Cadence and raised her brow.

"Right Cadence?" She said with narrowed eyes. Cadence blinks then smiles nervously.

"Oh...YES it won't be a problem! Not at all!" She said with a nervous smile. I look at both of them and shrug. I start looking into the fridge and various cabinets to gauge what I need to buy.

"Well I'm out of snacks, so do you girls eat chips?"

"What kind?" Celestia asks.

"Potato, Corn, shit like that."

"That sounds ok."

"What about cookies? Or donuts?"

"Definitely!" Cadence says, licking her lips. I nodded and move to the fridge again.

"Chocolate?"

"Huzza!" Luna says with a smile. I chuckle then focus on the fridge again.

"Fruit juice?"

"Yep!" Cadence said happily.

"Soda?" I said, making them all stare blankly at me. Oh yeah I forgot.

"Carbonated drinks? Pop?" I say, thinking of alternative names for soda.

"You can carbonate a drink?" Twilight exclaims.

"Trust me its good. Alright moving on..." I said as I kneel down to a particularly large compartment of my fridge.

"Cake?" I ask, as I look at the area where I usually put cakes and pies that I make.

"..."

Celestia's face was completely devoid of emotion. I raise my brow and continue searching the fridge. That was kinda weird...

"I was thinking about baking something, for the hell of it..." I said with a shrug. Baking shit was one of the few hobbies I had besides video games.

"You...b..bake cakes?" Celestia stuttered, a creepy smile forming slowly. I look at her, slightly creeped out.

"Yeah.Vanilla, Red Velvet, Chocolate, Carrot, Fudge.... Its all pretty easy for me." I muttered. Then something really creepy happened. Celestia started shivering and her wings slowly started to extend. Behind her Luna had an "Oh shit" expression, while Cadence and Twilight looked scared. I started to get uncomfortable but I continued.

"I'd say they were fairly good too. Some of the neighbors used to buy them from me, Especially my Double Decker Fudge Chocolate cakes..." I add.

*Poink!*

Celestia's pupils dialated and her wings suddenly extended stiffly. Her smile went from possible creep to full creep. I started to back away nervously, and she stepped toward me.

"Girls?" Why is she being weird?" I asked awkwardly, pointing to her as Celestia slowly steps closer, looking like she's about to fucking molest me. Luna sighed then got up from the table. She walks in front of Celestia and blocks her.

"Just give us one moment..." She stated. Then she proceeded to slap the shit out of Celestia, much to my surprise. Celestia immediately came out of whatever weird trance she was in and her wings slowly lowered. Then she rubbed her cheek and looked embarrassed. Before she could say anything Luna spoke up.

"We are not apposed to the idea of you baking for us." She said. I look at them both in confusion. What was all that shit about?

"Uh....ok. So I'll buy some cake mix, But what kind should I get?" I ask.

"CHOCOLATE!" Celestia erupts, quickly covering her mouth in embarrassment. I stare at her wide eyed and continued.

"Alright...cool... That's a shit load of snacks, but what about regular food?" I said rubbing my chin.

"We eat anything that isn't meat... With eggs and fish being the exception..." Twilight said.

"We would appreciate it if you purchased some hay..." Cadence added. Should have expected that. I close the fridge and cabinets then stretched. I want to get this shit over with already so I can just chill.

"Alright, I'm gonna shower and stuff..." I muttered as I walked past them and up the stairs. I'll just take a quick shower and swing by Walmart or something. I also need to hit up a burger joint, because they might be cool with the fact that I eat Meat but I don't want them puking on the floor when I decide to fry some bacon. I went into my room and locked the door, then I threw my clothes off and went into my bathroom to shower.

...

"Well... This is... strange..." Twilight whispered with confusion as she watched her teacher and mentor jumping for joy like a child.

"HE BAKES!!!" Celestia announced loudly. Luna frowned and hushed her older sibling.

"Contain yourself Tia! Tis not a big deal!" Luna barked.

"Actully it Kind of is... Do you know any stallions back home that can bake?" Cadence asks with a giggle, as she stares into the sky with a dreamy expression.

"Mr. Cake?" Twilight suggests. Cadence and Celestia stare at her with a deadpan expression.

"He's married..." Celestia said blankly.

"Point taken..." Twilight said with a crooked mouth. Then she tilts her head again."Even so...DJ is NOT a stallion... " Twilight reminds. Cadence just smiles at that statememt.

"I know! That just makes him so much more INTRESTING!" Cadence said with a lovestruck look, as she sank in her chair.

"While we find thy romantic interest in him...strange. We did always have a sweet tooth." Luna said with a blush.

"I don't understand ANY of you!" Twilight said as she rolled her eyes and laid her head on the table.

...

I threw on a hoddie and some different shorts then ran down the stairs. "Ok I'll be right back..." I muttered as I grabbed my keys off of the table.

"Can I come?" Cadence asked. I paused and stared blankly at her, then erupted in laughter.

"Are you serious? Do you WANT to be disected?"

"No! I just think you'd... need help carrying all those groceries!" She said in her defense, tapping her hooves together nervously.

"I think I'll be fine..." I said with an annoyed sigh. This isn't the first time I've been to the store Cadence. Calm your tits.

"Where is thine chariot? We did not see one!" Luna asked.

"Chariot? You mean my car?" I said with a flat brow.

"YOU HAVE A CAR???" Twilight exclaimed loudly, jumping out of her seat and freaking me the fuck out again.

"Yeah. Didn't you see it when you invaded my house through the window?" I said with a deadpan expression.

"Yes, but I didn't know what it was until I read those books!" She said with sparkling eyes. This bitch needs to calm her tits too. I wave her off with a hand and shook my head.

"Just...whatever, I'm gonna go and come back." I said plainly as I start walking toward the door.

"Be carful DJ!" Cadence calls out as I reach for the doorknob. I paused and flashed a smile.

"Don't worry Cadence. I'm only using what is statistically one of the leading causes of fatal accidents in this country!" I said sarcastically. Her face turns blue and I start chuckling.

"I'll be back in like an hour. Don't touch anything or I'll eat your face." I quipped as I walk out and close the door. I unlock my car and chuckle to myself as I open the door and step into it. I started the engine and was about to pull out when I noticed Twilight frantically waving at me, looking amazed and excited beyond belief. A few seconds later I saw Celestia ninja grab her away from the window comicly. That honestly broght a smile to my face. Celestia keeping her clueless student in check... Heh... Fucking ponies... why do you have to be so damn adorable?

Author's Note

Notes: I thought it would be kind of funny if Equestrians didn't have soda, and they tried it for the first time here, so thats why they were clueless.
Should I feel evil for writing the part where Derrick gets his junk busted? Nah, sucks to be him I guess.
As always tell me your favorite lines!
Now to work on Act 6 part 2 of the misadventures of DJ...

Chapter 3: They start to stare

Chapter 3 : They start to stare

It took me about 2 hours to go to the store, buy the shit, leave, buy a cheese burger and head back. I'm usually pretty quick about shopping for things. I pulled, back into my driveway and parked, getting out and stretching. I looked around at the neighboring houses. Mine was somewhat farther from the rest because I'm at the end of a culdissac which would be good for hiding the ponies. My neighbors were fairly inactive outdoors as well, the only people out being this group that I play basketball with sometimes. We play using two driveways that are opposite of eachother and two fairly decent goals, effectively making a court out of the street.

I pressed the button that opens the trunk to my car and walked toward the back. There were a lot of groceries there but like most guys I have that "Two trips are for pussies" mentality but I knew this time it would require two. I grabbed as many bags as I could, then clambered over to my door. I raised my keys to the door and it swung open before thekey even touched it. In the doorway was Cadance, shaking with excitement, reminding me of how dogs act when you leave the house and come back.

"You're alive!" She beamed as she jumped up and hugged me. I almost fell over from her weight, combined with the weight of the bags

"Of course I'm alive, now get off!" I said in annoyance as I brushed her away. She complied getting off and pouting. I rolled my eyes and walked into my living room. Twilight was out cold, sleeping on her back with her mouth open, her body in an unlady like position. I guess that's what she gets for staying up, even though the only thing preventing that from being me was the power of caffine.

Celestia and Luna were sitting on the couch next to her, talking and giggling about something. They both looked over to me and smiled.

"Welcome back! Let me get those for you." Celestia said kindly as her horn sparked to life and my burden of bags was lifted out of my hands.

"Thanks" I said as I turned around and walked toward the door. As I was about to walk out to get more bags, I paused when I noticed Cadance was still at the door. I noticed four hoof prints in the carpeted floor and wondered how long she was standing there. "How long were you standing there anyway?" I asked.

"Since you left!" She answered. I gave her a horrified look and her ears drooped down. "What? I was worried.." She said in her defense.

"Thanks for your concern.." I said sarcastically as I walked out of the door again. I grabbed the rest of the bags, closed the trunk and locked the car. I walked back inside, quickly closing and locking my front door. Like before Celestia took my bags to the kitchen with her magic. I walked into the kitchen and Cadance followed me.

"Well I have to sort all this bullshit out now." I said as I stare at the massive amount of bags with dread and start putting things away.

"Oh can I help?" Cadance asked excitedly.

"Sure. Just make sure you put stuff where it belongs. If you're not sure then ask me where it goes." I muttered. Cadance smiled and made this weird squee sound that made me want to tear my damn hair out, then She helped me put the things away. Most of it was pretty obvious, like milk and eggs in the fridge.

"Where does the cake batter go?" Cadance asked as she held a box of it with uncertainty.

"Just leave it on the table, I'm about to st-"

*zap!*

"Did somepony say cake?" Celestia said as she suddenly appeared inbetween us, scaring the life out of me. I looked past her at the couch were she just was. Luna was sitting there with a deadpan expression, shaking her head at her sister.

"I said I was going to make it soon." I said sheepishly.

"Oh ok." She muttered. Then with a brief golden flash, she disappeared and reappeared at her spot on the couch, continuing to chat like nothing happened. I looked from Cadance to Celestia and back again. I sighed and threw my arms up in the air in frustration.

"You fuckers can teleport can't you!?"

"Yes." Cadance said with a nervous smile.

"I swear, next you'll be telling me one of you can make it rain chocolate milk or some shit..." I grumbled as I continued to put things away.

"Actually there's this guy named Dis..." Cadance started.

"I don't want to hear it!" I snapped, making her nervous. After about a minute we were done putting shit up. I heard the sound of a lawn mower and rushed to the window, sure enough my neighbor was cutting his grass. Fuck, now my grass is going to look tall and shity next to his, this neighborhood is super anal about grass height.

"That fucking Asshole..." I muttered in annoyance. Cadance walked over and looked at me in confusion.

"Why are you mad at him? Did he do something wrong?"

"No not really. He's just cutting the grass"

"Then why did you feel the need to call him names?"

"Because since he's cutting his grass, now I have to go out and cut MY grass." I explained. Cadance nodded with understanding then gave me a sideways glance.

"Did you really have to curse?"

"Probably not but why the hell shouldn't I?"

"Because its offensive?"

"So? I'm an asshole anyway."

"You may think that but you're really not." She claimed.

"Uh huh, and you know this about me somehow after knowing me for less than 24 hours?" I said sarcastically.

"Yes!" She said confidently.

"Hm.. I must be really easy to read then..." I said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Perhaps, or Cadance is really good at reading ponies.." Luna cut in as she walked over to us.

"Uh...you mean people, I'm a person."

"Thou art aware what we ment."

"Yeah yeah." I said with a chuckle. Cadance narrowed her eyes and started to study me like she was trying to figure something out. Then Celestia joined us in the kitchen.

"She is right though, Cadance is good at reading ponies." She said.

"Ok...thats great but I dont see what that has to do with me..." I muttered.

"We doubt that our races are too different mentally." Luna said.

"So? You think she can read me to?" I said, folding my arms.

"Precisely." Celestia said. I looked at both of them, shook my head and chuckled.

"You're
both full of sh-"

"Something happened recently didn't it?" Cadance interrupted. I slowly stopped laughing and turned to her.

"Well no shit something happened recen-"

"I mean before we came to your house." She inturpted again, giving me a cold and calculated stare. My smile faded slightly. What is she getting at?

"Ok...lots of things happened... What's your point?" I ask.

"What did SHE do to you Derrick?"

...

The moment she said that my eyes widened and adrenaline shot through me. She can't be serious right now... There's no way she'd know about her.

"She hurt you didn't she?" Cadance pressed. The room fell completely silent after that. Not a sound but raging lawn mowers outside. Celestia Luna and the recently awakened Twilight all stared at me, a sad and concerned look across their faces. I sat there with a shocked expression. I looked around at them and started to feel embarrassed, but like I usually do I tried to play it off.

"Thats a pretty good guess but-"

"Because of her you put on this rough exterior don't you?" She said as she slowly walked toward me.

"No..I...-"

"She hurt you....badly and it scarred you emotionaly." She said raising her voice. My sarcasm died in my throat and I averted my eyes from her,feeling completely helpless.

"Am I right?" She asked simply.

"You...d...dont know me Cadance..." I said weakly. Her eyes softened and she walked over and put her hooves on my shoulder.

"Maybe. But that's not stopping me or any of us from getting to know you if you'll just talk about it maybe you'll feel better" She said kindly. I moved her hoof away from my shoulder and sighed.

"There's nothing to talk about Cadence. I muttered. Then I immediately left and went up the stairs to change.

...

"Aww... He's hurting... It makes me so sad..." Cadance said with watery eyes.

"Perhaps you were better off not reading him, you may have stured up some old emotions that should have stayed hidden." Celestia said.

"I don't think you should bring it up anymore." Twilight said.

"But his heart is aching! He needs help. He needs friendship. He needs...love" Cadance said with determination.

"We could give him some of those things..." Luna said with a blush.

"Yes, but I'm curious about what happened that got DJ so sad." Twilight said, rubbing her chin curiously.

"We best let him tell us when he's ready too." Celestia said.

...

As I was changing all I could think about was how easily Cadance read me. How the hell did she know about her? How the hell did she know about...

...Kira...

Just thinking about her makes me want to break something. I thought I was over it but...no! Fuck her and fuck Cadence for bringing her up! Its been about two months since that day anyway, that needs to stay in the past. I dont need to look all depressed in front of the girls and have them wonder about me. I put on some shorts, a tank top and some shades then walked downstairs. When iIked down there, all four of them were sitting on the couch looking like the world was about to come to an end. I stopped in front of them and raised my brow.

"You're all bored as hell aren't you?"

"YES" they all said symeltanously. I chuckled and went over to my TV remote.

"Sheesh... You're are all so needy..." I joked.

"Tis not our fault our host doth not entertain us." Luna muttered.

"Uh huh, yeah sure I don't." I muttered as I turned the TV on. Then I tossed the remote in their general direction. Celestia caught it with her hooves and looked down at it puzzled.

"Alright this is the TV where you can watch shit." I explained.

"Like what?" Twilight asked.

"Pretty much anything you've ever read in a book but visualized with audio." I explained simply. "There are all kinds of shows and movies to watch." I said. All of their eyes lit up when I said that.

"Ok...thats great and all but what does that thing you gave us do?" Cadance asked. I walked over to them.

"These buttons change the channel, these buttons change the volume and this one brings up a guide. It tells you the rest on screen. I'm sure you're all smart enough to figure it out." I said with a wave of my hand.

"Now, I get to have a heat stroke" I said with dread as I put my shades on.

"Can I help?" Cadance asked.

"Sure! If you want to be disected..." I said sarcastically before walking into my garage. I had my work out equipment and my out door stuff in there. Let's just get this shit over with, I know I won't do it later if I dont do it now.

...

"So what should we watch?" Twilight asked. The girls exchanged uncertain glances and rubbed their chins in thought.

"How about a comedy show? I'm sure we could all use a good laugh!" Celestia suggested. Cadence made a disgusted face and shook her head.

"I think we should watch a romance show. You know... so we can find out more about how human relationships work!" Cadance said. Luna waved that idea off with a hoof.

"Nay, we should watch an action show! I wish to see human warriors battle!" Luna said, making Celestia and Cadance laugh at that idea.

"I wonder if they have Educational shows?" Twilight said with a hopeful grin. Then Cadance, Luna and Celestia all looked at her and deadpanned.

"No...just no..." Celestia said. Twilight pouted and gave Celestia puppy eyes which she tried to ignore.

Just as that was happening A lawn mower started near the house. Cadance ears popped up and she slowly made her way over to the window. Derrick just started to cut the grass. It was pretty humid outside today, so he was already hot, sweaty... And pissed.

"Let's just go through the channels until we find something we all like." Celestia suggested as she started pressing the channel buttons. They flipped through a few and were instantly fascinated by the amount of things to watch. They stopped on a movie where a guy was fighting a bunch of bad guys to save his girlfriend.

"Hey Cadence does this count as romance?" Luna asked, looking next to her only to realize she was staring out the window with a love struck expression.

"Cadance? What art thou doing?" Luna asked.

"Enjoying the show..." She said with a half lidded expression.

"But...the show is over here..." Luna said, looking confused.

"Oh trust me auntie... THIS show is much better than whatever is on the TV." She said as she layed her hooves on the window sill, then rested her head on them. Luna furrowed her brow and stared for a few moments and eventually just shrugged.

"Suit thine self." She said as she went back to the TV. A few minutes later Luna found herself frequently peeking at Cadance. "What could be more interesting than this?" She wonders. After some thought, she finally stood up.

"Where are you going sister?" Celestia asked.

"To see what our neice finds so tantalizing outside of that glass." She muttered. Celestia nodded and Luna walked over to join Cadance.

"What could be more entertaining than the TV?" She asked Cadance, who sat there with a drunken blush. She said nothing and just pointed to a certain human outside the window.

"Oh...." Luna said as her eyes widened and she blushed. She stood there for a few seconds, her wings twiching slightly.

"Scoot over." Luna eventually ordered, and then they both sat there almost drooling over the hard working human. Eventually even Celestia started to get curious.

"Here." She muttered as she gave the remote to Twilight and stood up. Twilight made a squee of excitement, finally getting a chance to watch something educational.

"Alright what are you two drooling over..." Celestia asked as she walked over with a blank expression. She gasped when she looked outside, Then she frowned, blushing furiously.

"Th...this is wrong! You two should be ashamed of yourselfs!" She scolded averting her eyes from the window.

"Thou art aware that the Princess of the night hath not any shame." Luna said.

"Oh come on auntie! You have to admit this is at least a LITTLE entertaining!" Cadance said with a smug grin.

"N..no! I'm very disappointed in you both! You shouldn't be watching him like this!" She scolded as she turned to walk away. Cadance quickly grabbed her aunt by the tail before she could leave.

"Wait, you're going to miss the best part!"

"I can't allow myself to watch any longer." Celestia said.

"Oh come now sister. We know that thou cannot resist a sweaty stallion." Luna teased. Celestia began to stutter.

"B..but...He's not even a stallion..." She said, trailing off as she took another peek out the window. Now she couldn't keep her eyes away. "Ok...Wh..what's the best part?" She asked timidly.

"Watch..." Cadence said with a smirk.

...

Ok its seriously like 1000 degrees out here or something, I need to take a break before I collapse. I stopped the lawnmower and grabbed a water bottle that I set down nearby earlier. Water is like fucking nector from the gods when you're thirsty. I quickly opened it and started chugging the drink down. When I got about half way I poured the rest onto my face to cool off. I sighed in relief as the water ran down my face and onto my shirt. My shirt started to feel heavy, damp with my sweat and now wet from the water. It was a bit uncomfortable, so I decided to just remove it all together.

I'm almost done with the front and the sides, which is all I usually cut because I pay people to do the back, which requires much more care. Now more determined and cooled off I grabbed the lawn mower. As I was about to yank the starter again, I started to feel weird...like I was being watched or something. I shrugged and decided to just get this shit over with so I can go back inside already.

...

The three snooping mares collapsed to the floor, their wings fully extended, Their faces completely flustered and love struck, in Luna's case literally drooling. Twilight looked over to them and shook her head.

"I hope I won't get weird like them in a few years.." She whispered to herself.

"See? What did I tell you!" Cadance said in-between pants. Luna slowly started to stand and she smiled nervously.

"Well...despite the events that just occurred we still have no interest in him." She claimed nervously.

"Yes...he's still...not a stallion..." Celestia said as she stood up and straightned up. Cadance frowned at her aunts.

"Seriously! You have to admit you like him a LITTLE bit!" Cadance said angrily.

"Nope. He's not a stallion." Celestia claimed.

"It is thou with the crush, not us." Luna said as she walked away like nothing happened. Cadance deadpanned and folded her front hooves. "Their just in denial... My pour aunts." Cadance thought with a shake of her head.

"Wait what are you doing now?" Celestia asked as she followed Luna into the kitchen.

"Getting something to eat!" She muttered as she looked through the cabinets.

"Shouldn't you ask Derrick if its ok first? This is his house after all.."

"Say's the pony that went ahead and used the stove without his consent... " Luna quipped. Celestia blinked a few times.

"Good point....pass me those cookies."

...

After about 45 minutes I was finally finished. Drenched in sweat I returned the mower to my garage and made sure my shirt was back on before I entered the house. I let out a relieved breath as the cold air conditioning hit me.

*Dora the Explorer theme song plays*

"..."

Am I seriously hearing this right now?

*I'm a map! I'm a map I'm a map!*

Yep, she's watching fucking Dora! I immediately lost my shit and started laughing my ass off as I walked towards Twilight.

"Twilight..."

"Hm?"

"Why the fuck are you watching Dora?"

"It was in the education catagoy!"

"Of all the educational things you could be watching, you choose this? You know there's better channels." I said as I grabbed the remote.

"Hey!" She exclaimed in annoyance from me snatching.

"You're watching a kids show!"

"Oh...."

"Let me show you something you'd like..." I said as I went to the TV guide.

"Like the HISTORY channel..." I said as I pressed the numbers and switched to a documentary about the Internet. Twilight's eyes lit up and I continued

"....Or the DISCOVERY channel..." I muttered as I switched to one of those random nature shows. Twilight once again got excited.

"....Hell...you could even watch the military channel!" I quipped as I switched to one of those shows that talks about the army doing typical army shit.

"Ooh! I like that one!" Luna said as she watched a bunch of guys training.

"Yeah yeah... hey what the are you doing?" I said as I stared at Luna, chowing down on my chips. Luna immediately froze and smiled nevously. Celestia frowned, glaring at her sister.

"See! I told you he might get ups-"

"Did you have to eat those too?" I interrupt as I pointed to Celestia. Now it was her turn to look like a deer in headlights.

"I was going to make the cake for you guys but now..." I started to say. Celestia's ears flapped down and she rushed over to me.

"I'm sorry! I wont eat anymore!" She cried out as she stuffed the cookies into my arms. I handed them back to her and deadpanned.

"I was kidding. I bought most of those for you guys anyway." I reminded. The sisters smiled in relief and continued chowing down.

"Just try and save me some..." I added.

"Oh...too late..." Celestia said with a nervous smile as she revealed the empty pack of cookies. I facepalmed and began to walk up the stairs.

"Where are you going? " Cadance asked.

"Upstairs..."

"To do what?"

"Things..."

"What things?'

"A shower..."

"Oh can I hel-"

"NO!!" I snapped as I walked back up the stairs. Jeez, why the hell is she on my dick about everything today? It's starting to creep me out. I went in my room and closed the door, then I walked into the bathroom to shower.

...

"Were you seriously going to help with his shower?" Celestia asked Cadence with a deadpan expression.

"What? How was I supposed to know humans don't shower together like we do?" Cadance said innocently. Then she slowly tried to creep up the stairs.

"And where do you think you're going young mare?" Celestia said from the couch.

"Um...to use the bathroom..." Cadance lied.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were going to... snoop on our host." She started to say.

"Oh no! Of course not! I would never do that!" Cadance said with a toothy grin.

"Uh huh...sure you wouldn't..." Celestia said in disbelief.

"Never ever!"

"Does never ever mean 5 minutes ago? Because I recall you staring out of the window..."

"Sister, just let the poor mare go already" Luna cut in.

"Fine. Don't do anything you'll regret dear..." Celestia warned.

"I will! oops I mean I won't!"

...

I stepped out of the shower and threw a towl on. Man I feel so much better! Showers fix everything! I walked out of my bathroom and into my bedroom. I don't plan on going outside, so I'll wear something casual like some sweats and a t-shirt. As I dropped my towl and dug in my drawer for my clothes. I saw something pink in the corner of my eye, but When I turned to look all I saw was a bright flash. Hmmm....that was weird...

...

Cadance suddenly appeared on the couch next to Celestia, breathing heavily. Her face was bright red and her wings were erect.

"He didn't catch you snooping did he?" Celestia said without even looking at her.

"I hope not..."

"So you just admitted that you were snooping!"

"I regret nothing"

...

I came down the stairs and sighed happily.

"I feel refreshed!" I said with a stretch. When Twilight noticed me she ran over to me.

"Can I use this device?" She asked, holding up my tablet with her...magic.

"Um...Sure" I muttered as I unlocked it and temporarily removed the password. "What are you using it for anyway? I don't have any ebooks..."

"I'm curious about this... internet thing that people on TV and books keep mentioning." She said.

"Alright then Twilight, you're in for a trip..." I said as I tapped the chrome app.

"What's Google?" She asked.

"A search engine. You can basically find anything on it"

"ANYTHING?" Twilight said her eyes brightening again.

"Yeah, just type something in like this..." I muttered as I typed in potatoes as just a random search. Twilight's head almost exploded when she saw the plentiful results come up, detailing everything about potatoes, including nutritional value, country of origin and even pictures and various uses/ recipies.

"I have no words for this..." She whispered. Then she started typing in random shit. Why do I feel like I'm going to regret letting her use this? Well I suppose its better than her moping around and watching fucking kids shows. I looked over to Celestia and Luna, they seemed to just be ingrossed in the TV, while Cadance looked like she was going to have a heat stroke.

"Hey are you alright?" I asked.

"I still regret nothing..." She muttered without looking at me.

"Ok..." I said sheepishly as I walked away to the kitchen. I took out milk, eggs, baking soda, shit like that. I turned around to get something else for the cake and Celestia was in my face, making me jump. "What the fuck!?" I exclaimed.

"Are you making the cake now?" Celestia said with a straight face.

"No, I just wanted to take the time to shove baking soda and raw eggs down my throat." I said sarcastically. A ghost of a smile formed on her face. I shook my head and got the rest of the stuff out and I noticed she was still there.

"What are you doing?"

"Watching you bake the cake"

"You're seriously going to stand there and watch the whole time?"

"I have nothing better to do."

"Fine...you can lick the spoon or bowl or something."

"Yay!"

...

"The oven will stop when its supposed to, you don't have to watch the damn thing!" I said with irritation.

"Are you sure?" Celestia said, her face pressed firmly on the oven door.

"Yes, stalk the cake any longer and it will get a retraining order on you." I joked as I pushed her muzzle away from the oven. This girl has a severe sweet addiction, I won't be surprised if the cake is half gone as soon as the oven buzzer rings. She licked that spoon and bowl so clean that I thought they were washed already when I saw them in the sink.

I walked back into the living room and sighed in annoyance. Twilight was in her own world, sitting in my armchair, while Cadance And Luna were laying on the long couch that I sleep on.

"Can you two scoot please?" I asked. They complied and scooted over, giving me plenty of room to plop down and sit comfortably....until Celestia sat next to me. Pushing me awkwardly up against Luna who blushed.

"Can you scoot over tubby?" I asked with a raised brow. Celestia looked around like she was trying to figure out who I was talking about. When she realized, she fixated me with a hard stare that made my blood run cold.

"I believe that was a joke sister..." Luna clarified.

"I'm howling with amusment." Celestia grumbled as she finally moved her fat ass so I could sit without touching Luna.

"Thanks tub- uh...I mean Celestia..." I said sheepishly. Celestia rolled her eyes and rested her head on her hoof. Note to self, Celestia has a weight button, do not press it. I finally started paying attention to what we were watching and I raised my brow.

"Um....why are you guys watching basketball?"

"Is that what this is? We find this human sport entertaining!" Luna exclaimed. I'm cool with watching basketball but I was surprised that they enjoyed it too. Well Luna did at least, Celestia was staring into space grumpily and Cadence was staring into space looking like she was about to orgasm. What the fuck is wrong with that girl?

...

I took the cake out of the oven and started to do the finishing touches on it. The girls were sitting at the kitchen table eagerly, except Celestia, who stood next to me and looked like she was going to devour the universe itself.

"So who wants the first pi-"

"ME!" Celestia blurted, almost knocking me over.

"OK! CALM YOUR FUCKIN TITS!" I snapped as I cut her a piece. The millisecond a single atom of the cake reached the plate, Celestia was already eating.

"Thanks!" She mumbled with her mouth full. I walked over to the table and gave the rest of the girls a piece each. They all thanked me and eagerly dug in, except Twilight who had to be reminded what planet she was on. Her eyes haven't left that tablet at all yet. I put the rest of the cake down and looked over at Celestia.

She was standing there, her eyes mere pinpricks and her wings slowly opening. The cake was no longer in this plane of existance, which wasn't surprising.

"So...how did I do?" I asked carefully.

"I think I'm in love..." She said, blushing furiously.

"Uh...with the cake right?" I asked. She said nothing and just slowly turned her head to me. Then after a few good seconds of awkwardness she smiled nervously.

"Yep! That's EXACTLY what I ment...." She said with an almost drunk expression and a subtle hint of sarcasm. When she looked at me and licked her lips I started to feel awkward. Something tells me she didn't mean the cake.

"Uh huh.." I awkwardly muttered as I turned away from her. "What about the rest of you?" I ask.

"Oh my gosh! This is amazing!" Cadance declared happily.

"Thou art a remarkable baker!" Luna said.

"This..its better than Pinkie's chocolate cake!" Twilight said. I don't know who this Pinkie is but something tells me it's a good thing for my sanity that she isn't here. Their praise honestly made me smile a bit because its always nice to be appreciated! When I turned back around Celestia was right next to me, sniffing my shoulder.

"You smell nice DJ.." She said with a half lidded expression. I slowly stepped away from her completely horrifed. I'm officially creeped out now. When I turned to walk away Cadance was in front of me sniffing my chest.

"He DOES smell good!" Cadance said with the same half lidded expression. I yelped and fell backwards into Celestia's waiting hoofs.

"Oops, you almost busted your flank there! But I've got you!" She said with a giggle. I quickly got up and stepped away.

"We believe thats enough, thou art making him nervous!" Luna said with an annoyed look. The girls giggled And finally moved away from me giving me some breathing room. I grabbed the cake again.

"Anyone want another slice?" I asked. "Beaides Celestia" I added without even looking at her.

"I'll have another please!" Twilight said.

"Me too please!" Cadance said.

"No thank thee, we art trying to diet" Luna said, shaking her head.

"Diet? Don't be silly sister." Celestia laughed.

"Maybe you should try it out tubby, its good for you!" I quipped then immediately regretted when Celestia snorted angrily. Cadance started laughing her ass off and Celestia raised her brow.

"I don't know why you're laughing, you could barely fit in your chair!" Celestia said with an angry glare.

"And I wouldn't have it any other way!" Cadance said with a giggle than she smirked at me.

"Besides...I'm keeping my rump nice and plump for a certain... Person..." She said crypticly with a half lidded gaze. Then she got up and started to wave her ass hypnotically in my direction. I proceeded to blush, laugh nervously and slowly walk away. I sat on my couch, hiding my face from all of them.

Are they seriously flirting with me? Like actually? Because its making me feel awkward as hell. I mean they're fucking horses! Animals! Wait...thats kind of an insult isn't it? Like if they called me a monkey or something. They are sapient just like me, I shouldn't look at them as animals, that would be unfair to them. How else should I think of them then? They're definitely not human...

"Art thou well?" Luna suddenly asked, sitting next to me.

"Oh of course! Why wouldn't I be?" I said nervously

"Because thou looks quite...hot" she muttered. Not sure if she's talking about me or my blush.

"Me? nervous? No way!"

"Thou art also a terrible lier." Luna said with a deadpan expression.

"It was worth a shot!" I said with a laugh.

"Don't mind Cadance and our sister, they art terrible at flirting" Luna said with a giggle.

"Hey...." Celestia said with a pout. Cadance just grinded her teeth.

"And you're good at it?" I asked with a raised brow.

"On occasion." she said with a smirk.

"Would that occasion be... now?" I smirked back.

"Only if thou wants it to be..." She said with a half lidded expression as she slowly got closer to me.

"Well... What if I DID want it to be?" I said, doing the same as her. We got about a few inches from each other's faces, gazing deeply. Then life slapped me in the fucking face and I realized what the fuck I was doing. My eyes immediately shot open and I scooted away, blushing furiously. Luna did the same as me and we both laughed nervously.

A pony flirted with me....and I just flirted back didn't I? In an effort to change the subject I quickly grabbed two xbox controllers.

"Hey...uh...want to play this game with me?" I asked as I held one out to her. She blinked a few times then smiled at me.

"Sure! We would love too!" Luna said excitedly. We both grinned at each other, our faces slowly coloring and our heartbeats hitching... until Cadance sat on the other side of me.

"So what are you doing now?" Cadance asked, as she casually wrapped her soft wing around me. Then Celestia decided to sit her fatass inbetween Luna and i, making us both deadpan.

"Oh are you two about to play on that human device?" Celestia asked as she slowly moved to lay her head on my shoulder. I glared at Cadance and Celestia who just smiled as innocently as they could. These fuckers must think they're so slick! Behind Celestia, Luna had on the most deadpan face I've ever seen, slowly shaking her head. I looked at the two offending mares.

"Stop touching me!"

Author's Note

Notes: sorry I basically fell off the earth but school and stuff. From now on I will have a progress bar on my page that shows what I'm working on and the stage I'm at. So hopefully no more "when is the next chapter coming???!" comments.

Not sure what else to say... Follow my blog on Fimfiction and peace!

Chapter 4: Belly Rubs

Chapter 4: Belly Rubs

"We should probably play something cooperative so you can get used to it." I muttered, rubbing my chin in thought.

"Nay. We wish to best thee in thine own game!" She challenged. I started to laugh and shake my head, making Luna fixate me with a determined stare.

"OK fine, 1 on 1 it is.." I muttered with a roll of my eyes.

"We should play something really simple so yo-"

"No! We shall play whatever game thy art the best at so that we may embarrass thou!" She claimed.

"OK...but I'm going to wipe the floor with you just so you know." I stated.

"In thine dreams!"

"I'm not sure if this is a good idea sister..." Celestia warned.

"DJ is definitely going to win!" Cadence said with a giggle. Luna shot her a stern look, making her stop and gulp nervously.

"Alright you asked for it." I said with a shrug as got up from the couch and went through my games. Hmm... I'm pretty good at shooters... Mostly Cod and Halo... I guess I'll pop in the the Master Chief Collection or something.

I casually went back to the couch and sat again, but when I did, I felt something warm and fuzzy. I turned around to see Cadence smiling at me.

"Hey there big guy..." She said with a blush. I jumped up out of the seat and stared at her in horror. "I kept your seat warm for you..." She said as she tapped between her legs with her hoof.

Yeah, fuck no.

I walked away to the other side of the couch then sat down next to Luna, who I guessed was least likely to flirt with me. Then again we almost kissed a few minutes ago, but that was just a...thing....whatever it was just harmless flirting. One could argue that whatever Cadence and Celestia are doing is "harmless" but I feel it's just an invasion of space. I would just sit in my single person armchair, but Twilight was there, complety engrossed in the tablet.

"Alright my little nooblet, we have to make you an account real quick." I muttered with a smirk. Luna just looked at me puzzled and I sighed.

"Look don't worry about the details, just think of a clever name." I muttered as I grabbed her controller.

"But our mother hath already blessed us with our name. Luna." she said, giving me a confused look.

"Yeah, but you're not supposed to put your real name...that's just lame." I muttered.

"Our name is not lame!" She blurted loudly, making me jump.

"That's not what I meant-"

"Thy will taste the wrath of our..." Luna started to say before she looked at me puzzled.

"Assault rifle?" I guessed.

"...yes! Thou will taste its wrath!" She finished triumphantly. I sighed then put her gamer tag as simply "Luna" and handed the controller back to her. Not sure if I can talk about lame, when my gamer tag is "DJFlak" but I made this account way back in High school.

"OK...halo 4....slayer...20 kills to win..." I muttered as I set up the match.

"Can we change our appearance?" Luna asked as she cringed at the sight of her character.

"Look, it doesn't matter for now, lets just get this over with..." I muttered. Luna frowned and sank into her seat while the game loaded up. When the match started I gave a quick rundown of halo basics. You know how to shoot. Jump, use the radar bla bla bla.

"Prepare to taste the sting of our...what was it called?" Luna said, turning to her sister.

"Assault rifle?" Celestia answered, looking bored already.

"Yes prepare to-"

*DJFlak killed Luna*

*First strike!*

"Taste the sting of my sniper rifle?" I teased with a smirk. Luna scowled at me and focused on playing after that. For someone who's never played a single video game in her life, let alone an FPS, she's actually doing pretty good. But there wasn't much she could really do against me while I had the sniper rifle. All she did was take a few potshots at me until I eventually ended her misery with a headshot.

"What purpose does this device serve?" Luna asked as she stared at a large gun on the floor.

"Oh that's a Rocket launcher." I answered. She and the others stared at me in confusion until Twilight detached the tablet from her face.

"It's a portable weapon that fires deadly explosive projectiles proppled by small combustion engines." She explained. They all just stared blanky except for Celestia who was probably used to her students explanations and I laughed.

"You're right, but how did you even know that?" I ask.

"Google." She replied flatly, before returning to her info hunt or whatever the hell she's doing.

"Basically, it goes boom and its probably one of the best weapons in the game." I explained.

"Very well! Thou shall taste the sting of our-"

"Please stop saying that." I grumbled with an annoyed sigh. She stuck her tounge out at me than proceeded to pick the weapon up. I assumed I was in no danger, because I figured she would just blow herself up with it like all the other halo noobs. That was until I saw the first rocket flying at my face of course.

*Luna killed DJFlak*

*Retribution!*

"YES! WE HATH FINALLY SLAIN THEE!" Luna shouted in my ear, making me wince in pain.

"Calm your Tits!" I barked, rubbing my ear.

"OUR TITS ARE CALM HUMAN! SEE?" she announced. My first and regrettable action was to actually look. My eyes were met with two somewhat Large dark blue teats, that would probably look great on a human girl if they weren't....blue.

...

That's not something I needed to know!!

I jerked my head back to the screen with a coliered face that I hope no one else noticed.

"ACCEPT THINE DEFEAT NOW HUMAN!" She bellowed.

"Shut up! You only got one kill!" I quipped.

"AND MANY MORE SHALL FOLLOW!"

"Why are you still yelling?"

While Celestia and Cadence laughed their asses off, I had to deal with Luna's rockets. Unfortunately she kept catching me in midair preventing me from dodging them, so she ended up racking up some kills on me. EVERY time she killed me she made sure to remind me of how feeble I am to her.

"Human! Something is wrong with our weapon!" Luna complained as I heard her franticly pull the trigger with her magic, only making the weapon produce a Dull clicking sound.

"Uh oh...someone's out of ammo." I said as an sinister smile formed on my face.

"It appears you must find a new weapon sister." Celestia suggested. Luna nodded and switched to her secondary, which was a pistol. Now if it were me, I could tear shit up with that gun, but considering who it is, I'm probably fine.

*Crack*

"What was that sound?" Luna asked as her eyes widened nervously. I started to laugh like your average movie villian as I snuck up behind her. When I got close enough I used my energy sword to violently stab her in the chest and throw her body away like trash.

*ASSASSINATION!*

"That's the sound of my energy sword!" I say with a grin. Luna frowned and stared death at me. I just stick my tounge out her, making her growl. After that I was pretty much unstoppable, just running around and cutting her down before she could do anything about it.

"Prey tell...what is the purpose of these small blue orbs?" Luna asked as she ran over to them.

"Those are plasma grenades, they stick and go boom." I answered as I looked for a replacement for my spent energy sword. Before I knew it there was a plasma grenade stuck to my foot.

"Ha ha! Thy shall perish!" She teased, awaiting the explosion.

*Luna killed DJFlak*

*Suicide!*

"WHAT!?" Luna yelled in outrage.

"I just ran up to you before it blew up so we both died." I explained.

"THAT'S ABSOLUTE MANURE!" Luna yelled.

"Language sister!" Celestia scolded. Luna growled fircely and tapped the buttons with so much force, that I swear the controller was going to break. I grabbed a needler and decided to end this match before this girl's head explodes. Just one more kill and-

*GAME OVER! VICTORY!*

"GRRRRRAAAA!" I heard Luna yell, then next thing I knew, my Xbox controller was sailing into the nearest wall, where it shattered into tiny pieces. My jaw dropped and I watched as Luna got up from her seat and stormed off into her room, slamming the door shut behind her.

"What the hell!" I blurted as I stared at the ruined controller.

"My sister has quite the temper..." Celestia said with a cringe.

"YA THINK?" I said loudly as I balled up my fists. I have a few choice words for her now. I started to walk over toward Luna's room but Celestia teleported in front of me.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." She warned.

"Outta my way!" I said with a frown.

"She gets like this sometimes, just let her cool off." Celestia said as she stepped in front of me. I scoffed then started trying to move her. First I tried pulling her by the leg and she didn't budge. Then I tried to push her from the side. She just stared at me with a stoic expression. After many failed attempts to even get her to budge she cleared her throat.

"Are you finished Derrick?"

"....no.....just....gimme....a minute....." I said Between gasps. After recovering, I tried to push her again with my back to no avail. She eventually sighed and rolled her eyes, She lifted me up with her magic and looked me straight in the eye.

"I am doing this for your protection Derrick. You wouldn't want another buck accident like last time would you?" She said calmly but with firm authority. I can see now why she's the leader.

"Nope!" I said sheepishly.

"Good. Now let's go sit down and relax." She said with a content smile, as she released me from her magic. I sighed and followed her back to the couch where I sat between her and Cadence. I noticed Celestia distanced herself from me more than last time. I wasn't complaining but it's odd because she was all over me earlier.

"Oh I forgot to mention something..." Celestia said as she turned to me.

"Yeah?"

"Chocolate tends to make me a bit..." She started to say as she looked away in embarrassment.

"Flirty?" I answered for her, making her nod.

"Yes. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable earlier." She said with shame.

"It's alright." I say with a wave. Celestia smiles and starts to relax in her seat.

Cadence used her magic to levitate the remains of the controller over to us.

"Was this thing expensive?" She asked worridly.

"Kind of. I can just buy another one. Don't worry about it." I say, dismissing the issue. Cadence sighed and floated the pieces over to the kitchen, where I assume she threw them in the trash.

"So what now?" Cadence asked as she sat back in on her cushion.

"That little accident kinda got me out if the the mood for games." I said honestly as I used the remote to switch to the TV.

"Well what are we watching?" Celestia asked.

"I don't know, here you pick something." I said as I handed her the remote. Cadence made a little pout sound and I turned to her.

"What's wrong?"

"I really want to stay up with you guys... But I'm *Yawn* getting tired." She said with a forlorn expression.

"Do not deprive yourself of sleep young one. Go to bed if you are tired, we will be here in the morning." Celestia said.

"OK...I'll see you ponies tomorrow." She said as she got up and started walking away.

"Good night Auntie." She said with a wave.

"Good night my neice, sleep well." Celestia said with a warm smile.

"Goodnight DJ!" She said with a kissy face and a seductive tone, making me nervous. She winked then blew a kiss at me. The weird part was it actually produced one of those hearts like in the cartoons.

"Night." I reply simply before watching her walk away. When she was gone I shuddered and turned to Celestia.

"Does chocolate do the same thing to her?"

"Not that I'm aware." Celestia said with a giggle.

"So she's just doing that to screw with me?" I said in annoyance.

"Oh Don't be silly Derrick. She likes you!" Celestia said with a laugh. My heart lerched and I started to sweat. I honestly haven't thought about it that way. I thought that since she was the Princess of love that she liked to flirt with people, nothing more. But actually having a crush on me? That's another story.

"Um.. why would she like me? I'm not a pony." I say nervously.

"You don't have to be. In Equestria, there are many different intelligent species out there. Interspecies dating is not uncommon." She explained. I gulped nervously, goosebumps forming on my skin.

"So she LIKE likes me..." I say worridly.

"Precisely." She replied simply. She noticed my troubled expression and scooted closer. "You say that like its a bad thing." She said with an even tone as she studied me.

"IT IS!" I blurt. Celestia tilted her head and I looked away.

"Why? Do you not find us...attractive?" She asked as she gazed at me, her eyes slightly narrowed. My face started to color and I looked away from her. I couldn't just say no, because I didn't want to offend her and I couldn't say yes either, because that might send the wrong message. I also can't say yes, because I really DON'T find them attractive.

Right?

I looked at Celestia again and noticed a few things that I didn't notice before, like how elegantly curved she is, how wonderfully plump her rump was and how beautiful her hipnotic eyes were... Eyes that were still patiently awaiting an answer.

"Uh that's not really the issue." I said with uncertainty. Celestia didn't speak at first, she just watched me, making me pray she didn't see her checking her out just now.

"It's OK if you don't... Not every species is compatible after all." She said with a sigh and a faint smile. There's something oddly mysterious about that smile, its really hard to Read her at times. I wonder what she's thinking?

"I mean it's not like I think you're ugly or something...because your not. Like at all." I stuttered.

"Oh so you find me attractive?" Celestia questioned as her mysterious gaze deepned.

"No no no! I mean, you're definitely not unpleasant to look at, but I'm not interested." I said carefully. Celestia nodded slowly then turned back to the TV with a neutral expression. OK so she's not mad, so I guess I said the right words! I turned to the TV and there were a bunch of commercials on.

"If its any consolation. I admit that I find you Attractive." She said without looking at me.

"Thanks" I said automatically before dying internally. Great! Cadence likes me, Celestia finds me attractive and Luna... I don't know, that's a mixed bag. At least Twilight doesn't like me too right?

Speaking of Twilight, why does she have that look on her face?

"WHERE'S THE CHARGER?" She suddenly blurted, making me jump. "THE BATTERY IS ABOUT TO DIE!" she screamed as she started hyperventelating. Crap, I actually forgot where it is! I got up out of my chair and started looking around.

"Hold on a second I'll find it!" I assured as I started looking around the power outlets downstairs. Celestia just watched with amusment and slight worry as her student started freaking out.

"I was in the middle of reading an article about Peach farming, when it popped up with a warning!" She said as she pulled at her hair.

"Chill out! I think it's in my room!" I said as I ran up the stairs. I sprinted down the hall and ripped my door open. There it was, on the outlet right next to my bed. I snatched it off and sprinted down the stairs.

"Here! I said as I held it up. The charger was snatched out of my hand and slung over to Twilight, who was desperately trying to plug it into the wall. I walked over to her with irritation.

"Let me do it before you break the damn thing!" I said, taking it and plugging it in for her. She beamed then proceeded to hug my left thigh tightly.

"Oh thank you so much!" She said as she nuzzled my leg.

"Don't mention it..." I said as I pried her off my leg. Then she sat down on the floor right next to the tablet and stared at it.

"What are you doing?"

"Waiting for it to charge."

"It might take an hour or longer you know"

"OK that's fine." She said simply as she stared at it. You can use the thing while its charging but I'm not going to tell her that, besides it charges faster when its not in use anyway.

"Approximately 59 minutes and 23 seconds left!" Twilight said to herself as she stared at the device.

I turned to Celestia at the couch and simply pointed to her student. She sighed then called out to her.

"Twilight Sparkle? Why don't you come sit and watch television with us while the device charges?" She suggested. I started to walk back to the couch and Twilight's ears drooped.

"But what if it finishes and I'm not there?" She said with a quivering lip.

"It makes a sound and that Red light turns green." I explained as I sat down next to Celestia.

"See? It will be charged before you know it! Now come." She said, beckoning to her with a hoof. Twilght sighed, took one last look at the tablet before coming over to us. Instead of sitting in that armchair again, she instead got on to the couch with us. She walked over and plopped down.... Right in my damn lap.

With a satisfied sigh she made herself comfortable. I stared down at her in silence but she never looked up at me. So I decided to say something.

"Twilight?"

"Yes DJ?"

"What are you doing?"

"Laying down."

"I can see that. Why are you laying on me?"

"Because you're warm." she replied simply as she snuggled closer to me. I contemplated throwing her off of me but I decided to just let it slide for now. I slowly turned to Celestia and noticed that Tom was sitting in her lap. She looked at me and shrugged.

"Wanna trade?" I joke.

"I would, but she seems so comfortable. I wouldn't want to disturb her. " Celestia said with a snicker, I rolled my eyes and looked back down to Twilight who had her eyes closed and a gleeful smile adorning her muzzle. I felt her steady heart beats and just relaxed, accepting my fate. After some more channel surfing we finally settled on watching Big Bang Theory. I looked over to Celestia and she was gently stroking Tom's fur with her hoof, making him purr happily.

I decided to take a risk and slowly moved my hand into Twilight's mane. She opened her eyes, turning her head and looking at me with figurative dinner plates.

"Um sorry?" I said with a nervous smile as I let my hand fall to my side again.

"No no! Do it again. It actually felt nice." She said calmly. I raised my brow and started to look uncertain. I turned to Celestia and she just gave me a subtle nod as she smiled at me. So with some hesitation I put my hand back into her hair and just slowly ran my fingers through it. Twilight's ears drooped again and she produced a happy hum. So I shrugged and looked back at the TV as I idly played with her hair.

Eventually she started to produce a faint purring sound which actually startled me at first. I turned to Celestia again and she just smiled at me again. Twilight turned her head to look at me, this time with a troubled expression.

"Can you rub my belly too?" She asked innocently.

"WHAT?!" I exlaimed with a raised brow.

"Please?" She begged, giving me those erisistable puppy eyes . It didn't take me long to crumble. Sighing in deafeat i moved my other hand and placed it on her chest.

Chill out DJ... its just a belly rub.

"A little lower." She requested. I rolled my eyes and slid my hand lower.

"Lower." She said again. I complied and slid my hand further. I felt the unmistakable shape of a nipple and Twilght stiffled a moan as she turned back to me with a blush.

"TOO LOW!" She said with an embarrassed expression.

"Sorry!" I squeaked as I jerked my hand back up.

"Right there!" She said with a loud purr as she layed her head back down and smiled. I carefully moved my hand in a circling motion, fearing accidentally slipping too low again. Her nipples weren't far from where I was rubbing and it had me on edge. As I rubbed I accidentally went too far south and touched them a few more times, but Twilight honestly didn't seem to care anymore, as her purring never ceased and her breathing and heart rate stayed steady.

Eventually her purring turned into the peaceful breaths of sleep. I stopped rubbing her belly and just rested my hand on her side, while stopping the motion with my other hand in her hair. With a deep breath I layed back slightly and looked at Celestia. I couldn't quite read her expression, but her cheeks were faintly colored.

"What?"

"Nothing. I believe you should take her to bed. It has been a long day for her." She said, her tone as unreadable as her face.

"Right..." I said as I slowly picked the lavandar unicorn up and draped her over my shoulder, being careful not to wake her. I slowly walked up the stairs and down the hallway until I came into Twilight's room. I walked over to the bed and moved the covers aside. I gently placed her down on her side. She started to shiver and I put the covers over her. She smiled again and snuggled her pillow. I let out a breath of relief and stepped away, a single line of thought filling my mind.

Dawwwww!

I backed away toward the door and was about to close it.

"Thank you DJ." I heard Twilight say. I turned and saw her looking at me with a warm smile, her sleepy purple irises glowing in the darkness.

"Heh...you're welcome. Night." I said with a nervous smile.

"GoodNight." She said as she closed her eyes again. I walked out and silently closed the door behind me. I walked down the stairs and saw Celestia patiently waiting. I returned to my seat and glanced at her. She starred back at me silently and I raised my brow.

"Seriously what?" I asked. Celestia just looked away from me. She had her ears down and an obvious blush on her face. I watched her attempt to peak at me several times before I understood what was happening. I layed back and rolled my eyes.

"I can't believe this shit. Alright just this once." I muttered out loud. Celestia looked at me with a hopeful smile.

"Really?"

"Yes! Get over here." I said with a sigh. Celestia beamed and made this really weird "squee" sound when she smiled. She eagerly crawled across the couch over to me.

What the hell did just agree to?

She crawled over me, being careful not to step on my lap, then she turned around, accidentally rubbing her soft ass across my face. She turned to my red blank goldfish like expression and smiled nervously.

"Heh. Sorry." She said innocently. I grunted in annoyance while she layed down across my lap. Being much bigger and much heavier than Twilight is I winced slightly.

"Sheesh... You might want to lay off the cake a bit." I quipped.

"Very funny Derrick." Celestia said as she made herself comfortable on me. I noticed that she was extremely warm to the point where I started to sweat. After thinking it over I realized that Twilight's excuse was complete bullshit. If she was cold, she could have just layed on her Sun Goddess Teacher.

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll cut off your mane and tail in your sleep." I muttered.

"And why would you do that?" Celestia asked with a smirk.

"Because your sister and niece will start begging me for one. If that happens, I might have to start charging." I said with a shake of my head. Celestia giggled and I moved my hand to her belly. Thankfully, there was more space inbetween Celestia's belly and her... unmentionables. She shivered to my touch and smiled contetly.

"Oh my...you're good at this." She cooed

"Well don't get used to it." I quipped making her giggle again. She closed her eyes and started to emmit a steady happy hum.

"You know, if you fall asleep, I'm not carrying your ass up the steps." I remind.

"I know. Lucky for you I won't be falling asleep anytime soon." Celestia said with a smirk.

"Right...you did almost eat half your body weight in sugar." I said with a chuckle.

"Well I simply cannot control myself around sweets."

"I see..." I muttered. I realized That my other hand wasn't doing anything so I moved it toward her mane. I was about to finally see what her magical Flowing hair felt like, when she suddenly shifted her position and shot me a disapproving look.

"Can I touch it?"

"No"

"Please?"

"NO!"

OK...I guess I won't be touching it then.

When she turned away her left ear started to twitch erratically. I couldn't tell exactly but it seemed to me like it was itchy or something. I hesitated at first but eventually built up the courage to reach out and scratch it for her. Her eyes went wide and I froze.

"I'm sorry." I squeaked.

"It's OK...but could scratch a little higher?" she responded calmly. I raised my brow and continued my previous actions. The moment I started scratching again, Celestia started to emit a different sound.

"Ooohhh yes..." She moaned as any tension in her body faded away. I tried to focus on Scratching her ear and rubbing her belly, but the sounds she was making Distracted me. Each pleasurful moan made me slightly less comfortable. It only got worse when her wings slowly started to spread at her sides. She started to shiver and shake, her motion rubbing her thick leg against my lap. I at this point I had stop to avoid any possible arousals from either of Us.

"OK I'm pretty sure I've scratched your itch by now." I said, removing my hand from her ear. She made a pouting sound and her wings started to lower again. She stopped moaning and went back to purring much to my relief.

"It's a shame that you'll never do this again." Celestia said sadly.

"Yep." I responded simply. I have to admit I was somewhat enjoying myself. It's like petting a giant adorable cat. I could do without the weight though.

After that we fell silent again. My stomach started to rumble loudly. Celestia looked up at me again.

"Do you want me to fix you something?" She asked.

"Nah...I'm craving fast food." I muttered.

"Fast food?"

"You can drive up to a place and get food ready in like a minute. Prices aren't too bad either." I explained.

"I think that food prepared that quickly wouldn't be of the highest quality."

"Yeah its not the best or the healthiest, but its fast. We have regular restaurants too."

"There are not many places in Equestria that can serve meals prepared in just a minute."

"No wonder you ponies are so generously curved." I said. Celestia started to blush and I laughed. Then she started to look timid again.

"Are you going to one of those restaurants?"

"Probably yeah."

Celestia slowly got off of me, relieving my lap of her weight. I stood up and stretched my legs.

"Don't get any funny ideas...it was just a belly rub." I remind firmly.

"Yes, a spectacular one." Celestia said with a wink, making me groan in annoyance.

"Well I'm off to Burger King or something." I muttered as I searched the room for my keys.

"Can I come with you?" Celestia asked timidly.

"Uh no, remember what we talked about?" I said with a frown.

"Yes I know, but it's quite dark outside and I could stay inside your vehicle."

Yeah. Assuming you'd even fit in it.

" I don't know...someone might see you." I said as I found my keys on the kitchen counter.

"Hmm...perhaps there is another way." She said at she glanced at the TV in thought. One of those Victoria's secret commercials came on and she rubbed her chin. Eventually She smirked when something came to her and her horn started to glow. I turned and raised my brow. What is she up to?

Her whole body was bathed in a blinding golden light, forcing me to squint and shield my eyes. When the light eventually faded, what I saw in front of made me drop my keys.

"Did it work?"

"What The hell?!"

Author's Note

Notes: let me know if it matters how much detail I go into whenever characters play video games. For now I'll leave it somewhat detailed. Pretty sure we're not all gamers here.

Any who, more belly rubs to come!

I'm sure you all can guess what spell Celestia used.
Next chapter, we go on a trip.

Chapter 5: Lets go on a trip

Chapter 5: Let’s go on a trip!

My jaw figuratively hit the floor and my mind stopped working as I stared in awe at Celestia. The first thing I noticed was the fact that she was bipedal now. Her forlegs were now regular arms with hands, fingers and everything.

However, she still wasn't a human. For starters, she had fur, at the end of her legs were hooves rather than feet and her horn and wings were still present. My face started to color slowly as I looked at her other features. She was just as curvy as her pony form bringing my attention to her...marvelous thighs. She looks like she could squash my head between them without even trying!

I quickly noticed something alarming that made my face turn red hot.

"Well, did it work?" She asked impatiently. I was absolutely brain dead, I couldn't udder a word and I also had trouble looking away from her...chest.

My god, they're as big as my head!

"Walking in this form will be difficult." She muttered to herself as she shakingly took a few steps. My eyes widened when she stepped toward me. That's when I noticed she was a head taller than me.

"Well is this adequate?" She asked, stopping in front of me and putting her hands on her hips.

Is it bad that I haven't looked up yet? No? OK good. Just checking.

"Derrick?" She called with a worried tone.

"Adequate..." I muttered quietly.

"Does that mean I can go with you?" She asked excitedly.

"Uh huh." I muttered, completely unfocused as I wiped blood from my nose.

"Yay!" Celestia said happily as she hopped into the air.

...

Boob physics.

I started to feel light headed and I stumbled backwards, blood flowing violently from my nose. I was too distracted to notice the pain from my fall.

"Uh oh, are you alright?" Celestia asked worriedly. She reached out and grabbed my arm. She brought me closer to her in an embrace. Because of our height difference, my face was right between them.

Best and worst moment of my entire life!

"Oh no! You're bleeding!" She said worriedly as she brought a napkin from the kitchen with magic and started to wipe my nose until the blood was gone.

"There we go! Are you OK now?" She asked.

"Yeah..." I managed to slur.

"Shall we leave? I'm sure you're quite hungry." Celestia said as she let me go. At first I didn't say anything but I violently shook my head, clearing it and snapping out of it.

"Actually we can't go yet." I said as I did my best to maintain eye contact with her, avoiding the plump pair of distractions not too far below.

"Why not?" She asked cluelessly.

"Well for starters you're completely...um... naked." I finally say sheepishly. Celestia just raises her brow and stares at me.

"And?" She said simply.

"We don't go out in public naked. It's illegal." I pointed out.

"Oh.." She said with a flat brow. She started to walk back toward the TV again.

Don't look at her butt! Don't look at her butt! Don't look at her...

Dat booty tho...

Focus DJ!

"I find human customs strange. Why must you always be clothed?" she asked as she studied the females on the TV.

"It's taboo." I replied simply before mentally slapping myself.

It's taboo to drool over furry tits like this...even if it has...nice proportions. With that in my head I shook away my naughty thoughts.

"Very well. This should do." She said as her horn lit up again. With a golden flash, she was now wearing a pair of skinny jeans along with a white t-shirt.

"Adequate?" She asked again.

"Yeah, but human girls still don't have Fur, Hooves, a Horn, or Wings." I pointed out.

"Does that mean I can't go?" She asked worridly. She started to give me puppy eyes, making me sweat. She can do that too? I swear these ponies are going to walk all over me if I let them!

"Fine, fine! I don't care anymore. Let's go." I muttered in annoyance as I shook my head and opened the front door. She smiled contently and walked out in front of me. It was about 8:40, so things were plenty dark. I walked over to the passenger side door and opened it.

"Just try not to poke a hole in my roof." I quipped as I gestured for her to get in.

"This is exciting!" She said as she almost skipped to the car. She smiled at me and carefully got into the seat. I closed the door and walked around to the driver side.

"Ok, put on your seat belt and and don't touch anything." I said as gave my pockets a pat to make sure I was wasn’t missing anything.

"Seat belt?" She said, looking at me cluelessly. I stared at her for a few seconds, then just end up reaching across her and putting it on for her. She just smiles again and I sigh.

This is a very bad idea.

I put the keys in the ignition and the dashboard came to life.

"Fascinating!" Celestia said with wide eyes, she surprisingly listened to me and refrained from touching anything. I chuckled and turned the key, starting up the engine. Celestia's smile faded again and unsurprisingly I couldn't read her expression. It's like she puts on a mask or something.

"What is it?" I asked as I put my seat belt on.

"Does the vehicle always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Vibrate"

"Oh...yeah? Why?" I asked carefully.

"I'm not used to this sensation.." She said. Her wings twitched and I saw her cross her legs. She bit her lip and her ears flattned as her cheeks started to burn.

"Are you going to be ok?" I asked with concern.

"Y..yes. Let's go, this spell doesn't last forever" she said, averting her eyes from me.

"Alright." I say sheepishly as I pull out of my driveway. I start to drive down the street and navigate out of my neighborhood.

"I never would have thought this vehicle could actually achieve such speeds." Celestia said with fascination. I noticed a slight waiver in her voice, I guess the vibration is still bothering her.

"Oh this is nothing, we're not even on the highway." I say with a nervous laugh. Celestia laughed half heartedly. I looked at her and she looked completely out of it.

"You good? Do I need to pull over?"

"No...this actually feels quite nice." She said with a happy hum. I slowly looked away and tightned my grip on the wheel. OK...she may or may not be getting horny from the vibrations but that's none of your concern! Just keep driving!

It didn't take too long to get to Burger King. Celestia would occasionally ask about certain buildings we would pass, but for the most part she was just humming and giggling to herself.

"Umm, we're here.." I said quietly as I turned to Celestia. Her legs were trembling and she was tightly gripping her seat. She had an expression of pure bliss on her face.

"Celestia."

...

"Celestia..."

...

"CELESTIA!" I finally shouted in frustration.

"I DIDN’T EAT IT!" She suddenly blurted, snapping out of it.

"What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion.

"Oh nothing. What did you need?" She asked nervously.

"We're here." I said with a flat brow.

"Oh, that's nice-Wait were here?!" She exclaimed as she stared at the place in awe. I watched her a few seconds then started to snicker. I wonder what her reaction would be to a real restaurant.

"Hmm. They'll probably see you in the drive through, so I have to go inside." I thought out loud.

"How long are you going to be gone?" She asked worriedly.

"Like 5 minutes?" I guessed.

"I thought you said it only takes a minute?!" She said with outrage.

"What?"

"Why did you lie?" She demanded.

"I exaggerated." I answered innocently.

"Mmhmm." She grumbled in disbelief, rolling her eyes.

"Look, just stay here. I'll be right back."

"You better be." She said as she folded her arms. My eye twitched and I glared at her.

"Are you clusterphobic?"

"No."

"Are you an adult?"

"Yes."

"Then you can handle waiting in the car for five minutes."

"Just hurry up please. It will be quite boring by myself."

"Aww, that's what this is about? Poor Celestia will miss me while I'm gone?" I joked. She gave me an annoyed look and raised her brow.

"..."

"I'm just going to get the food now..."

"Yes. You do that."

...

I got out and walked toward the restaurant. Thankfully from a distance Celestia actually looked human enough. Sort of.

Thank god for tinted windows.

I walked into Burger King and looked around. Their standards really have changed in the past few years, but you can't expect too much from a fast food joint. I just ordered a Whopper with cheese, some Fries and a Sprite. Then I remembered who was in the car and decided to get Two Oreo Shakes and two Reese pies. I also threw in a salad for good measure. Unfortunately, I was about halfway back to the car when I remembered how chocolate makes Her act. Well there's an armrest separating us, so I should be alright. It's not as much chocolate compared to that cake I made anyway.

When I walked up to the car, I saw Celestia sitting there impatiently tapping her fingers on the armrest with boredom written all over her face. I unlocked the car and stepped inside with all the stuff. Celestia looked at me in surprise.

"Huh. I actually took less then 5 minutes" I commented with surpise as I stared at the dashboard. Celestia was just staring at me with a mix of confusion and surprise.

"What?"

"Are you going to eat all of that?" She asked.

"Of course not. I got some for you." I say as I gave her a bag and set down the drinks between us in the arm rest. She took it hesitantly with a blush.

"Thank you, Derrick, I didn't expect you to get me something." She said timidly.

"Yeah, yeah, just eat or whatever." I muttered as I started to shove fries in my mouth.

"Wait, we’re not returning to your home first?" She said, blinking in realization.

"What? You want to eat at the house?"

"No, no. Eating out is actually quite nice." She said with some relief.

"Just don't spill anything. Cleaning the carpet in this thing is a pain in the neck." I said with food in my mouth. Celestia giggled and begun chomping on her salad.

"Hey how long does this transformation last anyway?"

"About 30 minutes. It seems that nopony is around, so perhaps I can change back."

"Go for it." I said with a shrug. She nodded then briefly flashed again before returning to her pony form. Surprisingly, she actually did fit in the car, I did have to do some "slight" seat adjustments but it worked.

"I probably shouldn't be doing this, It's a tremendous waste of magic." Celestia said with a bit of shame.

"I'm sure you can spare a little bit." I reason.

"Yes. However, despite my enjoyment of this outing, this cannot become a frequent activity. The spell uses too much magic." She stated.

"Aww..." I said with genuine disappoint. Celestia looked at me bemused.

"What? I live by myself, its actually nice to have company every once in a while. Even if said company is...well different." I said as I stare at my food. Celestia sighed and smiled at me.

"Different indeed..." She said with a smirk.

"Yep..." I agreed with a nod. We both sat silently for a few moments before turning to each other.

"Different isn't...bad right?" She asked.

"Of course not! You seem alright for a Pegacorn Princess." I said with a grin. Celestia giggles and shakes her head.

"It’s ALICORN, Derrick.."

"Alright, fine...but I’m still consideeing calling Cadence a candycorn," I joked making us both laugh. We sat in silence again, chomping on our food until she brings up something.

"We are a little more similar than you think." She stated.

"Oh yeah? How so?" I ask with a raised brow.

"I know what it feels like to be alone." She said. I looked at her and raised my brow.

"I was forced to banish my only family for 1000 years." She said with a forlorn expression.

"Damn that must of sucked..." I said as I start drinking my Sprite.

1000 years...

"Can you repeat what you said?" I asked calmly.

"I said I was forced to banish my only family for 1000 years." She repeated, giving me a puzzled look.

"Oh, OK.I thought that's what you said." I said with a nod as I took another sip of my Sprite. "1000 years..." I repeated with another sip.

...

I suddenly spit all the soda in my mouth out and stared at Celestia with wide eyes. She gave me an odd look as the mess was whisked away by her magic.

"How old are you!?" I blurted, surprising Celestia.

"Well, over 2000." Celestia answered indirectly. "Why? How old are you?" She asked, raising her brow.

"22. What the actual fuck?" I said as I ran my hand through my hair.

"What? Is something wrong?" Celestia asked worriedly.

"That's...longer than Jesus has been dead..." I muttered to myself.

"Jesus?"

"Forget it. Are you like Immortal or something?"

"No. My time will come just like my Mother's and Father's before me." she explained. I looked her up and down and laughed nervously.

"Well you don't look too bad for someone who should be a pile of dust." I joked.

"I suppose I'll take that as a compliment." She said with a blush. "How long do humans live?" She asked curiously.

"I don't know, like a little over a hundred max."

"Oh...I can see why my age was so surprising then." Celestia said with a giggle.

"Sheesh...2000 years...and you look like that!" I said as gestured to her. She looked at me suspiciously and narrows her eyes.

"What exactly do you mean by like that?" She asks, looking deeply into my eyes.

"Um... You look good." I say nervously.

"So you find me attractive?" She asks, her mouth curling up into a smile.

Oh, not this shit again.

"Well that's a um...a difficult question." I say carefully.

"And why would that be?" She asked leaning in closer.

"Because you're a different species?"

"Didn't you say I looked good for my age?" She reminded.

"Yeah..."

"So it must not be that difficult." She reasoned. I stared at her completely dumbfounded. Why is she trying so hard?

"Am I being interrogated?" I asked honestly, making her giggle.

"I just want you to stop dancing around the question." She says, narrowing her eyes further.

"Um...I..." I sputtered as I tried to change the subject. "I got you cake!" I say with a cheesy grin. Celestia's eyes brighten up as I pulled out the cakes.

"Thank you, Derrick!" She beamed, seemingly forgetting what we were just talking about. I sighed in relief and finished my fries. I'm one of those guys that save the burger for last, its just the way I eat. I reached into the bag to get it but I stopped when Celestia cleared her throat.

"Now back to you." She said as she wiped her face with a napkin. I rolled my eyes and smacked my forehead. "What? Did you think I'd forgotten that easily?"

"Honestly? yeah." I said helplessly.

"Come on, Derrick, it’s just a simple question. It was easy for me to answer..." She said as stared me down once more. I idly ran my hand through my hair and grumbled in frustration. Why does she need to know so badly? Hmm... If I just say yes, maybe she'll leave me alone? I took one good look at her and noticed that those things I was drooling at earlier were definitely there, just in different locations.

You know what? Fuck it!

"Yes." I say simply.

"There. See that wasn't that hard was it?"

"Oh please, I bet it was hard for you too." I said with a roll of my eyes.

"Oh, not at all." She said with a giggle. "From your impressive build, your handsome smile, your kind heart-"

"Kind heart? I'm not nice." I interrupt.

"You took 4 alien strangers into your home, providing food and a warm bed for them to sleep in. Is that not kindness?" She said with a flat brow.

"I guess so Sunbutt" I said with a shrug.

"I do enjoy your jokes as well." She added with a giggle.

"I mean they're alright I guess..." I said with a blush, rubbing the back of my neck.

"You're quite cute when you're flustered as well." She said with a giggle.

"Stop making things awkward!" I blurted, making her laugh. I rolled my eyes and reached for my burger again. I saw Celestia preparing to feast on a cake, making me stop in my tracks.

She ate one already, right?

"Hey! That's mine!" I shouted. Celestia glares at me with the cake raised to her lips.

"No it's not." She says calmly.

"Yes it is! Why do you think I got two, you ate yours already."

"You said you got me some cake, not US."

"So? Give it back!"

"No!"

"Do you think I'm playing with you? Give it back now!"

"Not when you ask like that!"

"Celestia, I'm not playing with you. You want me to come over there?" I said seriously.

"Oh, I would love to see that." Celestia said as she waved a hoof at me and laughed. At that moment, I reached my hand across seat to try and grab it but Celestia moved it away from me. She blinked in surprise and retreated to the back of the car where I followed angrily. I pounced on top of her trying to reach for the cake.

"Give it!"

"No!"

"Now!"

"Never!"

We tossed and tumbled together for a good 30 seconds until we ended up tangled together on the floor of the car. Celestia was on top of me staring defiantly down on me.

"Well, now look what you've done!" She pouted as she saw the cake smooshed on me.

"What!? This is your fault!"

"My fault? You're the one that came after me like a barbarian!"

"You took my cake."

"It was mine!"

"Well now it's gone." I said bitterly

"Yes it is..." Celestia said with an annoyed tone. We glared at each other for a few seconds then our eyes softened. We started to snicker before it turned into full blown laughter.

"What are we even doing?" I said as rub my forehead.

"I don't know but it was rather immature of us, wasn't it?"

"Yep!" I agreed with a laugh.

"Too bad neither of us get the cake." Celestia pouted.

"At least I still have my Oreo milkshake." I said with a shrug.

"Milkshake?" Celestia says, her eyes widening and her ears drooping.

"Yeah I can't wait to drin- you drank them didn't you?"

"I'm sorry."

"You're a handful." I muttered with a shake of my head.

"I promise I will make it up to you, please forgive me!" She pleaded. Then she leaned in close and nuzzled my cheek making me squirm.

"OK, OK, I forgive you!" I said with hot cheeks.

"Why are you so nervous? I barely touched you." She asks with a giggle.

"I'm not nervous!" I shouted loudly, making her laugh.

"You shouldn't be afraid to touch me, after all you were giving me a glorious belly rub less than an hour ago." She said in a seductive tone as she smiled with bliss at the memory.

"OK. that's enough cuddling! Get off!" I said as I tried to squeeze out from under her. With a grunt we both tried to get up but we were tightly wedged together.

"Uh oh." Celestia said with a bemused expression.

"What do you mean, ‘uh oh’ ?" I exclaimed. She tried to get up again but couldn't.

"This is rather embarrassing." Celestia said as she averted her eyes from me and lowered her ears.

"What?" I asked, dreading her answer.

"Well, I don't know how to tell you this." She said, avoiding my gaze.

"Spit it out."

"My flank is stuck." she said, biting her lip nervously.

"Are you serious?!" I yelled. I slammed my head on the floor of the car, shaking it at the absurdity of the situation.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing, this is my fault anyway. See if you can wiggle out or something." I grumbled. She nodded and did what I said, but her efforts were fruitless because her thick plot was too firmly wedged between the seats, preventing her from standing.

"No good." She said, blowing her hair out of her face.

"Having you on top of me like this isn't even the worst part." I say.

"Oh? Then what is?"

"That pie that's smooshed on my stomach." I mumbled. My shirt was partially raised and it was mooshed onto my belly.

"Oh, I can get rid of that." She said with a snicker. She then turned her head and adjusted her position, dangerously pointing her horn toward my chest.

"Hey! watch it!" I squeaked as I grabbed her horn and moved it away with my free arm. Her reaction was both immediate and alarming. Her wings fully extended and colorful sparks emitted from her horntip. Her entire body trembled and she fell silent after stifling a moan.

I should probably let go of her now...

"Celestia?" I whispered worriedly. She didn't respond and I couldn't see her whole face because of her mane. A creepy smile adorned the part of her muzzle that i could see.

"Celestia?" I repeated, a pit forming in my stomach.

"Let me get that pie off your tummy for you buddy." She said calmly.

"Uh, OK..." I muttered with uncertainty. What's the creepy smile for? Next thing I knew, I felt something weird on my stomach. Her hair was blocking my view of it.

"What are you doing?" I asked, feeling antsy.

"Just relax my human friend." She said with a vaguely flirty tone.

"Uh I am rela-Ha ha ha! Stop, that tickles!" I said, suddenly breaking out into twitchy laughter.

"Mmmmm.." I heard her moan.

"Are fucking licking it off me?" I barely question through my laughter. She just continues to hum happily too herself. Me on the other hand being extremely ticklish, couldn't stop moving or laughing.

"Hold still I'm almost finished!" She commanded.

"Ahaha! St-AHH!" I shouted.

"Done!" She said in a chipper tone as she raised her head and looked back at me. The look in her eyes reminded me of a Predator stalking its prey. She slowly licked some of the chocolate from her lips and stared at me.

"Oh, Derrick..."

"What?"

"There's something on your face." She claimed.

"What? Where?" I asked as I tried to feel around My face.

"Right here." She said, pointing to my lip.

"What's on my lip?" I ask as I felt around on it.

"Let me get it for you." she said. Then she closes her eyes and and starts leaning towards me. My immediate reaction was to pinch her as hard as I could with my other hand. I don't know what I pinched but it sure worked.

"Ouch!" She blurted as she jumped up so fast that she managed to get herself unstuck. I took that opportunity to get up off the floor and sit in the back seat.

"Are you OK?" I ask worriedly as Celestia sits there with a pained expression.

"You pinched my nipple.." She pouts.

"Oh...sorry," I said, red in the face.

"No. It is I who should be apologizing." Celestia said as she stared out the window. "I shouldn't have forced myself onto you like that. I am sorry." She said sincerely.

"I’m sorry I pinched your... You know." I said with a nervous laugh. She said nothing and just kept staring silently out the window. I cringed and reached over the front seat to get my burger. I opened the box up and sure enough it was cold.

"Dammit...." I mumbled.

"What's wrong?" Celestia asked, turning to me with a stoic look.

"My sandwich got cold." I said, pointing to it.

Celestia's horn flashes briefly, then with a low sizzle my burger got warm again.

"Did you just...wow you're just full of Tricks! Thanks!" I said with a grin as I start to eat.

"You're welcome." She said with a faint smile before her 1000 yard stare returned to the window. I watched her for a while, easily concluding that something was bothering her. I thought about asking her but my sandwich was calling me. So started to eat with silent joy.

After I took a few bites the sandwich's aroma began to spread around the car. At first I thought nothing of it. But I noticed Celestia's muzzle begin to wrinkle. At first it was just subtle sniffs but eventually she started to really smell. She slowly turned to me with a curious expression.

"What does that sandwich contain?" She asked, eyeing it closely.

"Ketchup, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cheese and of course MEAT. " I said, listing the things I could remember.

"Interesting." She said before turning to the window again. I stared at her again in confusion, before shrugging and continuing to eat. What did they say about eating meat again? Eh, doesn't matter.

I was about halfway on my sandwich before I felt irises burning into my cheek. I slowly turned to see Celestia, now scooted next to me. She was sniffing a bit too close to my burger than I liked.

"Woah woah back up with that shit." I said, pushing her barrel back.

"It smells delicious..." She said, smiling and licking her lips.

"Yes it does smell nice but its my nice smelling sandwich, not yours." I reminded.

"Could I have a nibble?" She said, almost drooling now. I scooted away and she scooted closer.

"You smell delicious and you don't see me asking you for a nibble." I quipped. Celestia smells like vanilla. Actually, now that I think about it, all of them have a unique smell. Cadence smells like strawberries, Twilight smells like lavender and Luna smells like blueberries. I haven't seen them spraying themselves, so I guess it's a biological thing. Weird.

"Oh, you could nibble on me if you asked." She cooed. I caught the underlying meaning there and my face flushed.

I get it now. Food makes her act funny. Stop feeding the horse DJ!

"Stop before we end up stuck cuddling again." I said as I move the sandwich away from her face.

"I doubt it will come to that. Besides, you enjoyed that." She said with a confident smirk.

"Keep this up and it will come to that, and I didn't enjoy you violating my belly with your tongue."

"I don't recall you complaining and that makes us somewhat even now."

"Even? Are you talking about that belly rub?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm referring to."

"But that's different, you asked for it and enjoyed it"

"So did you."

"How did I ask for that??"

"By touching my horn."

Touching a mares horn makes her horny? Lol.

"Just forget it. Aren't you a herbivore anyway?"

"Not entirely."

"Well doesn't that make you an omnivore?"

"Technically ponies can consume both meat and vegetables but eating meat aside from maybe fish and eggs is generally frowned upon. We do not require meat in our diets to function either." She explained.

"So Twilight kinda just said the side you girls most I identify with?"

"Yes."

"I guess that makes sense... I call myself a carnivore sometimes." I said with a chuckle. Celestia inched closer to me and I moved the burger further.

"Ah ah ah! Nope." I said firmly.

"Please?" She begged with a quivering lip.

"Fine.." I said with a sigh.

"Yay! thank y-"

"...I'll go inside and get you your own burger."

"But I just wanted a nibble."

"...and I'll get us both another pie each. Sound good?" I ask.

"Yes! Thank you!" She says as she wraps a wing around me and hugs me tightly. Why are ponies so damn touchy feely? They'll find any freaking excuse to get close to me!

"Wait, you said eating meat was frowned upon right? Wouldn't this be setting a bad example as the leader or something?" I ask, looking up at her flat browed. She glared down at me and I shrunk.

"Do not tell a single soul or I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"...I'll Do things to you."

"What things?"

"Naughty things."

"OK fair enough. Oh yeah, Celestia?"

"Yes?"

"You can let go now." I said with an annoyed look.

"Oh, right." She said with a nervous smile. I shook my head and quickly finished the rest of my sandwich.

"Alright I'll be right back."

"Can I come?"

"Unless you have some ridiculously convenient magical solution, then no."

"I think I may have just that!"

"Oh boy, here we go." I muttered as I fold my arms and stare.

"I have something that uses way less magic than the last one!"

"OK... But you're going to have to find a way to get rid of your fur, hooves, horn and wings." I muttered. Her hair would be fine as long as it didn't flow, a lot of girls nowadays add dye to their hair anyway. As for her eyes, we can just say she's wearing contacts.

Her horn flashed briefly and nothing about her physically changed whatsoever.

"Done! OK, let's go." She said as she opens the door and stepped halfway out. I quickly grabbed her leg to stop her.

"What are you doing? You're still a pony!"

"I know, Derrick. The illusion spell has been cast."

"But....but..." I sputtered. She turned around and gave me a sincere look.

"Please just trust me, Derrick." She said, giving me a reassuring look. I'm not the magic expert here but she's still looks like a pony. Maybe there's more to it than that? As I was going over this in my head I noticed Celestia was standing out of the car right in the spotlight. Before I could say anything a car passed right by her. My heart stopped and I stared in horror.

To my surprise the car just kept driving like nothing, the driver didn't even look twice. Did he not notice her? No at that angle there is no way he didn't see her!

"Stop wasting moon light, Derrick." Celestia said as she gestured for me to come. I blinked a few times before finally exiting and locking the car. Celestia beamed at me and just started happily trotting up to Burger King like she wasn't out of place at all. I got my bearings and quickened my pace, because I was basically standing in the street like an idiot, I walked up and opened the door for her.

"Thank you!" She chirped as she walked in. I walked in behind her still nervous about the whole thing.

"Just go find a seat." I told her. She nodded and started to look around the place.

"Hey there!" The guy at the counter said, waving at Celestia. Celestia grinned and waved back at him.

"Hello!" She responded kindly.

No Brain meltdown.

No Freakout .

No confusion.

No double take.

Just nothing.

I looked at one of those screens that shows you on the camera. When I saw Celestia in it i realized what was happening. The illusion changes how she looks to everyone else. Making her appear human. The quality on the camera wasn't the best, so I couldn't see her that well. All I know is she was a girl with rainbow colored hair. I chuckled to myself and shook my head as i walked over to the counter.

"Hey James." I say with a nod.

"Hey, Derrick." James responded with a distracted tone. I only know this guy because I always end up coming here during his night shift.

"Can I get a whopper and two Resse pies?" I asked, lightly tapping the counter to get his attention.

"Oh uh, right." He said, tapping my order into the register.

"Actually, make it 4 pies." I said, thinking that one wouldn't be enough for Celestia.

"OK. 4 pies." James said, fiddling with the register again.

"6 pies." I decided finally. James gives me a bemused expression before changing my order again.

"Ok, that’s a whopper and six pies. Will that be all?" James asked with a raised brow.

"And one Oreo shake."

...

I paid for the food and stood there waiting patiently. I looked over to Celestia, who was sitting in a booth in the far corner of the restaurant. She looked a bit silly sitting there, being a pony and all. She looked over to me and waved. I returned the wave sheepishly and flashed a smile. Just then, James came back with our order.

"Here you go." He said as he handed it too me. I nodded and turned to walk away, but James tapped my shoulder.

"Can I ask you something?" He whispered as his eyes drifted back to Celestia.

"Sure?"

"Who is THAT?" James asked.

"Oh, just a friend." I responded with a nervous smile.

"Heh... Now I know what you were doing in your car for an hour..." James said with a sly grin.

"Not what you think." I answer unamused.

"Hmm. Whatever you say man. But listen dude, she is drop dead sexy! Where did you find a chick like that?" James asked as he gestured to Celestia who was none the wiser. "Those curves man..." James said with a shake of his head. It was funny because we were both seeing very different things. Then again it's not like Celestia isn't curvy as a pony.

"Um...she's not from around here." I answer as I rub the back of my neck.

"Does she have a sister?" James asked.

"Yes, yes she does." I answered with some hesitation.

"You have got to hook me up sometime man!"

"Maybe another time." I said as I start to walk away. I laugh on the inside at the thought of me hooking him up with Luna. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. I walked over to the booth and sat down on the opposite side. Celestia beamed again.

"I don't know why I didn't think of this before!" She said with a squee.

"Well that spell sure did the trick." I muttered, setting the tray down.

"And its much easier to perform than the previous spell." Celestia said with a relaxed sigh.

"How does it work anyway?" I asked curiously as I start organizing things on the table.

"The spell forms an invisible bubble a considerable distance around me. Anypony inside it will see a form more familiar to them, essentially a translation of my actual self." She explained. I nodded and took my phone out. I went to the camera app and pointed it at her. My eyes widened and my cheeks colored slightly.

"It even works on cameras too..." I said sheepishly. Her looks blew me away just...holy shit, she's fine! The colorful hair and eyes seem to just add on to her beauty. As I look at her and compare, I come to an odd realization that everything attractive about her human form is very present on her pony form.

"Yes. Nopony will ever know!" She said mischievously, as she ran a hoof through her hair and smiled confidentiality. I snapped a picture and put my phone away.

Might use that later...

"How come I still see you as a pony?" I asked.

"Well, you're the only one that knows the truth." She said with a giggle.

"Right..." I said as I put the Whopper In front of her.

"Oh, thank you!" She said gratefully. I nodded and started sipping on my shake.

How could her pony form be more familiar to me than her human form? Is it because I knew her as a pony longer? Or something else? Do I like her better as a pony?

"Is something on your mind?" Celestia wondered, briefly pausing my thoughts. I gazed at her again uncertain about my questions, eventually choosing to dismiss the issue for now.

"Nope. Go ahead and try your sandwich." I said casually. Celestia unwrapped it with her hooves and picked it up.

"I did just want a nibble. Not the entire thing." She reminded, as she studies it closely and sniffs it.

"You were prepared to wrestle me over it, so now you have your own."

"I believe the term you used was ‘snuggle’."

"Whatever. Worst case scenario you hate it and I end up finishing it for you or throwing it away."

"Alright...here goes." She says with a nervous gulp.

"You're not having second thoughts are you?"

"Of course not!"

"Then bite it."

"..."

"Come on Celestia! Nobody's going to know you ate it." I remind. She finally sucks up the courage and takes a small bite. As she chews a sad expression forms on her face and her wings twitch.

"What, you don't like it?" I ask.

"It's....delicious..." She breaths.

"Than what's with the look?"

"How can something so wrong taste so good?" She said with watery eyes.

"Hey, everyone has one."

"One what?"

"Guilty pleasure."

"Oh? Then tell me, what would yours be?"

"Alcohol."

"Well that makes two of us then." Celestia admits. We both bust out laughing.

"You seriously drink?"

"Is the sky blue?"

"Wow! I can't believe this. That's really unprincess like!"

"Hey, running a country is stressful." she said in her defense.

"Mmhmm."

"What law says a Princess can't enjoy a bottle from time to time?"

"What law says a Princess can't enjoy a whopper?"

"Not a single one." Celestia says with a smug grin before taking another bite of her sandwich. I chuckled and take another sip of my shake.

"You're pretty cool, Celestia." I compliment with a smile.

"You too, Derrick." She returns with a sultry tone. After taking a few more bites she paused.

"Oh, by the way, please just call me Tia."

"Tia? I like it." I said as I opened up one of the pies.

...

Like I suspected, the girl ended up eating the whole sandwich, along with five out of the six pies I purchased. We threw our trash away and got up to leave. Celestia winked at James on the way out and the guy practically fainted. After that we left and headed back to my place, talking, joking and laughing the whole way. She's a lot more relaxed than I originally thought. We eventually pulled back into my driveway. I cut off the engine and turned to Celestia.

"Um, are you OK?" I asked worriedly.

"Uh-huh!" She said, nodding rapidly and forcing her wings to close.

"Well that went surprisingly well." I admit.

"Well enough to do it again?" Celestia asked hopefully.

"Sure why not?" I said with a laugh. Celestia smiled and we both get out of the car. I lock it and we walk up to my door. She turns to me while I fished out my house keys.

"I really had fun, Derrick."

"Me to Cel- I mean Tia."

"I'm glad that fate made us appear near your home, rather than somewhere else." She said, gazing deeply into my eyes.

"I'm glade fate made a unicorn and three unihorses raid my house, eat my food and briefly hold me hostage too." I quip.

"Alicorn."

"Aliscorn."

Celestia giggled and I chuckled. I temporarily forgot about the door because something keeps drawing me to those beautiful hypnotic magenta orbs...uh...i mean her eyes. She slowly stepped over to me while I stood there somewhat frozen. She wrapped her wings around me in a snug hug. At first I just stood there but eventually I hugged her back. Considering the shit that happened earlier, this isn't that bad. She rested her head on top of my head.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"You're welcome." I whispered back.

We leaned back a little bit and stared into each others eyes. Our faces slowly got closer until we both closed our eyes and-

Suddenly the front door swing open, making Celestia panic and drop me right on my ass. I groaned in pain and looked at the door. Standing there was a very upset looking Cadence. Celestia's cheeks colored.

"Oh, um... hello there my beautiful Niece! We were just... Um..." Celestia stuttered. Cadence narrowed her eyes while Celestia slowly tip toed past her.

"Well, it’s quite late...I should be...GOODNIGHT!" She shouted before sprinting up the stairs faster than I thought was possible. I got up and snickered at her antics, I walked towards the doorway, but Cadence blocked it with a wing. I let out a long annoyed sigh as I prepared myself.

"Where were you?" She asks In a stern tone.

"Out?" I say with a laugh. My laughter faded immediately when my eyes met hers. I've never had a reason to legitimately fear these ponies, until now. That look right there could vaporize entire galaxies.

"I got up to get a glass of water, and I noticed you were gone." she said, stepping over to me calmly. "I was so worried about you.." She said, her eyes softening slightly. The kindness faded and she glared up at me.

"Look Cadence I-"

"You just disappear with out telling anypony, and with my auntie?" She started to say. After that she basically started going on this rant about how I should tell her when I go somewhere or something. My mind was numb now and I just wanted to go lay down.

"...Is it too much trouble to leave a note!?" She was saying, when I tuned back in.

"You need a hug, Cadence" I interrupted. Then I snatched her off the ground into a warm embrace, making her yelp in surprise. She stopped squirming and just uttered a content sigh as she hugged me back. A few seconds later I set her down.

"Feel better?"

"Mmhmm." She hums, stumbling drunkenly with a dreamy expression and red cheeks.

"Good. Now you have a good night."

"OK." she said, forgetting whatever she was mad about and marching right up the stairs. I chuckled and finally laid down on the couch.

"What a damn day." I muttered out loud. I made myself comfortable and I stared at the ceiling in the dark. A lot of stuff happened today but after all of it I learned something very important.

Prolonged proximity makes ponies prone to cuddling.

When I closed my eyes, I realized how tired I really was. I went to bed late yesterday, so It won't take me long to drift off too slee-

"Psst."

*Sigh*

"Pssst!"

"Sleepy" I moaned.

"Human? Awaken!" Luna says, her voice coming from somewhere above me.

"Ugh...come on Luna." I groaned in annoyance as I rub my eyes and open them. Luna's bright Cyan irises were practically touching mine. It was then that my senses started functioning again and I felt Luna laying on top of me. If I wasn't tired I would be freaking out right now.

"Good, thou art awake." Luna said with a smile as she moved her head back a little.

"What are you doing??" I demanded as my cheeks color.

"We have awoken thee from thine slumber to apologize." Luna said as she broke eye contact. Her ears went flat against her skull.

"This couldn't wait until tomorrow?" I complain.

"We couldn't wait. We felt guilty for disrespecting thine property-"

"Destroying." I correct.

"-Destroying thine property. We beg thee for thine forgiveness!" She says as she hugs me and nuzzles my cheek.

"I forgive you!" I barked, feeling embarrassed.

"Huzzah!"

"Yeah. Now get off." Luna complied and relieved my body of her weight (mostly my crotch)

"We promise it will not happen again!" Luna assures.

"That's nice. Now goodnight." I said bitterly.

"Before we rest, there is one thing we must ask of thou."

"It better not be a belly rub." I complained sleepily.

"N..no that's not what we...had in mind." Luna said with wide eyes as her face flushed. "T'would be a nice feeling." Luna said nervously as she entertained the thought.

"Then what is it?" I grumbled.

"Thine Xbox skills art superior to our own. We wish to learn from thee and improve." She explained.

"Uh huh."

"So we were hoping that thou could teach us everything thy knows. We wish to become thine apprentice." she said as she bowed in front of me. I blinked in surprise and sat up on the couch.

"...wha?"

"We want to become thine Faithful Student, teach us the ways of 'owning the noobs' as you say." she said with a straight face. It took me a little time to figure out if she was serious or not.

"So...You want me to teach you how to play Xbox?" I tried to summarize.

"Yes! We would be most greatful." She said with an excited nod.

"Sure whatever." I muttered uncaringly. Not giving the issue much thought.

"HUZZAH!" She shouted in my face. If I wasn't awake before, then I am now.

"Please, just go away now." I begged as I started tugging on my hair.

"Yes Master. Goodnight Master." She said with a bow, before seemingly disappearing into thin air. I lay back down, a bemused expression stuck on my face.

"Master?" I said out loud. Tomorrow was going to be a weird day for sure.

Author's Note

Notes: Hey there! I ended up sticking to my guns and I really liked how it turned out! Tell me if you want to see more "trips" like this in the future!

This brought Celestia's score up a bit (don't count that anthro part at the beginning, that was just me having a bit of fun) but down worry, the remaining 3 mares will all get a similar "bonding" chapter, I already know what Cadence's and Luna's will be like, not sure about Twilight yet.

I sorta addressed that omnivore herbivore thing I guess :P

Anyway what was your favorite part/line? Tells me :)

Chapter 7: Lets go on a trip: Pink edition

Chapter 7: Lets go on a Trip: Pink edition.

Twilight was once again glued to the tablet, sitting on the couch and exploring this new seemingly infinite source of information. It was like having every library in existence ever at her hoof tips virtually instantaneously. Just when she thought she knew everything about something, she would find a couple dozen more websites with a wealth of information. This thrilled her to the core.

Well at least at first.

Usually when she reads, she picks a topic she wants to know about and from there will determine the next few books she would Read. She would clean out everything she had relating to a particular subject, take notes, maybe even report to Celestia on her findings, and move on. But with something as vast as the Internet; she doubted she would ever read everything about any particular subject.

In short, there was too much to read and not enough time.

She still wasn't sure what to read about, especially with so many topics. She did however learn a few things about this place from just browsing alone. So far she’d learned the following:

Magic apparently isn't a thing here,

Weather controls itself,

And animals don't talk.

As a side note she also learned she’s named after a movie that everyone seems to hate.

She sat with a flat brow, staring at the Google homepage, the command cursor blinking in wait for her to enter a search; instead it lies empty. She looked across the room to her mentor and her sister, sitting on the couch discussing belly rubs among other things. Perking her ear up, she listens in.

"Why not sister?" Celestia asked, looking at Luna sad.

"We…,” she tries to think about what she’s going to say. “We simply doth not wish to hast his appendages caressing our belly, tis all and nothing more! " Luna says with a nervous expression.

"But it feels soooo GOOD!" Celestia purred with a nostalgic grin.

Twilight smiled and shook her head, she couldn't blame Celestia for wanting her sister to experience Derrick's belly rubs. Last night when her belly was aching a little and she asked him to rub it, she was not expecting the overwhelming feeling of pleasure that came from his hands. She honestly longed for their gentle warm touch again. She started blushing when she remembered how Derrick's hand accidentally slipped a little too far below. Now that part was extremely educational.

Twilight quickly shook her thoughts away for fear of them straying into stranger places she’d rather not go.

She now wondered about their host that her companions seemed to be going crazy for. Seeing her old foal sitter; and one of the toughest mares she knew bowing and calling him "Master" really worried her. Even though she didn't see Celestia doing the same, she could see the jealousy emanating from her when Cadence told them about her date with him. What's up with that anyway? She knew that compared to most creatures that ponies were really quick to trust and make friends. Her friendship with the other element pretty much started from minute long encounters!

As far as Cadence, she's never seen a pony fall in love so quickly before. Maybe being the Princess of love sort of amplifies her emotions? Heh- if so, Celestia help him... Speaking of emotions, Princess Luna, who seemed to despise him at first now seems to have done a complete 180. Aaaannddd then finally her mentor, the one she would look up to and always seem under complete control of herself and those around her; had an emotional outburst on par of something she would expect from Rarity when she steps in mud. They were all acting very, VERY strange and that’s putting it lightly .

After some thought Twilight decided to change her study subject to something more important. Her princess friends are being weird and it seems to have something to do with DJ. Thinking about it; what is so appealing about him?

Is he giving off an irresistible aroma?

Does the fact that he's another species allure them?

Is he fun to talk too?

Is he just really cute?

Is he smarter than he looks?

Is his penis large?

All of the above?

Whatever the reason was, Twilight intended to find out. She would observe and take notes as well as an experiment to prove or disprove her theories.

ALL of them

For SCIENCE!

She liked to tell herself that to justify her ‘experiments’.

Sometimes she's not entirely sure it works.

...

"Why exactly does this matter again???" I asked as I pulled into the parking lot of Walmart.

"I just want to know!" Cadence asked with an innocent smile.

"And I’m telling you NO! I absolutely, 100% am not telling you my favorite sex position!" I barked, heat spreading across my face.

"Why not? I told you mine." Cadence says with a quivering lip.

"INVOLUNTARILY!!! You liking it doggy style is something I did NOT need to know..." I grumbled as I put the car in park. I'm honestly surprised that ponies have the same positions as humans. I'm also surprised and worried that Cadence and I favor the same position. Oh, what the hell am I thinking...

My cheeks colored crimson further, as that line of thought puts a particularly… interesting image in my head.

...

Ok! She can't be THAT flexible.

"How did you know I wasn't a virgin anyway?" I look at her with legitimate curiosity.

"Oh, I can tell…” She gives a half lidded expression that shakes me to the core. “That kind of experience always changes a pony..." She says with a seductive wink.

"Not a pony, but whatevveeerrr you say..." I say, avoiding her gaze.

"You never answered my other question." She says as she tickles my cheek with her wingtip.

"Please; Don't bring that up," I said, pushing her wing out of range of my face.

"I just want some feedback on my performance." she whines.

"It was just a kiss!" I exclaim.

"Oh, really?" She has an extremely cocky grin now.

"Yes, really, and I didn't like it." I cross my arms in complete denial.

"Well your face afterwards suggested otherwise."

"There's a big ass difference between bliss and surprise."

"I recall seeing both."

"I recall me ending this conversation minutes ago."

"Why don't you just admit you liked the kiss?"

"Because I didn't!"

"Fine. Be that way...but you're always welcome to more."

"You've made that VERY clear already..."

"Just making sure."

"I'm officially changing the subject now... Never ask me this again." I muttered as turned the engine off. The moment the car stopped vibrating, a switch seemed to flip, because Cadence's whole attitude changed. Her wings folded closed and her pupils returned to normal. After that she gave me a nervous look.

"Oh, look, we're here!" She said with a nervous laugh.

"Yes, indeed we are." I say with an annoyed look. Something about the car vibrating seems to make these ponies act funny.

"Sorry, if my questions were a bit-"

"Awkward, disturbing, dicey, thorny???"

"Heh- All of the above?" she closes her eyes and cocks her head, a blush spreading across her face.

"Yeah... that seems like the trend lately..." I muttered mentally facepalming.

"I should probably activate that spell now." Cadence said as her horn sparked to life. I slowly turned to look at her menacing, my eye twitching spastically at the thought of what hasn't been done...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ACTIVATE IT?!Why in the actual fuck didn't you activate it before we left?!" I demand; my anger spiking through the car roof.

"I forgot?" She says with an innocent smile.

I roll my eyes and slap my forehead probably leaving a perfect hand print on my for head… Out of pure fatigue I slam my head on the steering wheel at how bad this situation could be… Oh god the amount of people that could have seen her… I lift my head and look at her with a blank expression.

"Never… EVER... let this happen again..." I said with a serious expression a frown gracing my brow.

"I'm sorry Derrick..." She said with droopy ears and a cute puppy dog face.

"Pfffffhhhh…. Fine… It's OK... maybe, just maybe... People thought you were a gigantic plushie." I hold my head in my hand.

"Let's hope so..." Cadence says with worry.

"OK, did you do it?" I ask as I pulled out my phone gently tapping the screen to the camera mode.

"Yes... How do I look? Cadence asked, a cute smile on her muzzle. The loading circle spins for a second before showing a clear view of my legs, I point it at her and I shit you not I jerked my knee into the underside of the steering wheel before dropping my phone on the floor board.

How the fuck do I even attempt to describe her? I swear it must be a trend with these ponies; I'm sitting in a the car with a freaking super model! Her body was elegantly curved and her… eherm proportions were dead on. She had a very attractive face, with beautifully colored hair to boot, and in her eyes, I could see this fiery spirit as well as kindness and compassion within. To put it simply… She was drop dead gorgeous

"Does this look suit your fancy?" She asked sheepishly while turning slightly red in the face.

"Uh… IT LOOKS GREAT! Fantastic even! Ok Let's go." I said quickly as I stepped out of the car. Cadence had a bemused expression as she fumbled out of the car. When she took in her surroundings, she gasped.

"Where are we, again?" She asked with awe as she looked around.

"Maybe,... and this is just a suggestion- Perhaps if you asked me where we were going, instead of how long I was; you my pink pony friend... would know" I say with a flat brow as I gently flick her ear.

"I'm really, really; sorry about that!" She reminds. I shake my head and start walking towards the store. I like to park all the way at the end of the lot because walking is good for you and...

'Nah you're just to damn lazy to hunt for a closer spot.'

Yep, that sounds about right!

"There's so many." Cadence said as she looked at all of the cars. She started to get excited when she saw the various people roaming the lot. I could understand her excitement, after all I am the only other human she's seen in person until now. I watched neutrally until Cadence suddenly went galloping off towards someone.

Oh, here we fucking go!

Before I could stop her, she ran up to these two teenage boys. They were really young, probably high-schoolers. They both stopped and their jaws practically hit the floor when they saw Cadence. For a second I thought the spell was somehow broken, until I saw how red their faces were.

"Hi there! My name is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza! What are your names?" She asked with a chipper tone and a warm smile. The boys looked at each other and shared a look that said "is this really happening?"

"Dude act natural!" I heard one of them whisper. One of them was probably about to utter some highschool freshmen nonsense, but I quickly snatched Cadence away. The boys shot me these jealous scowls, but I just ignored them. I brought Cadence to an area with no people and tried to keep myself from strangling her.

"What the hell are you doing?!" I demand with a stern whisper.

" I was just introducing myself... " Cadence said innocently, as her ears drooped in that irresistibly cute way. I slowly brought my hand to my face and took a few deep breaths. It's been 30 seconds and she's already being weird!

'Yeah, pal, just don't mention how pedo that probably looked.'

Donchu deny that you were lookin’ at dat’ booty...

"Look, Cadence before we go in, we should establish a few rules" I said, as I rubbed my chin.

"Seriously? I just said hi." She says with an annoyed look.

Yeah, and by doing so you probably accelerated their puberty by a few years to the point their balls dropped early...

"You don't just run around saying “hi” to everyone like that. It's really weird." I explained.

"OK..." Cadence said, raising her brow as I continued.

"Don't tell anyone you're a Princess either, those are rare nowadays and you attract enough attention as it is." I muttered as I noticed a bunch of people looking at us. "In fact... Just try not to talk to anyone in general, you might say something weird and blow your cover." I add; Cadence gives me this annoyed look.

"I'm not a child you know." She said, sitting down and folding her forelegs.

"Right, I forgot you’re all older than time itself or something." I say with a roll of my eyes.

"What?!" Cadence blurted with a twitchy brow.

"Aren't you all like 2000 or something?" I ask honestly. Cadence frowns and I back away slightly.

"No... Do I look 2000 to you?" She shouts, taking an angry step toward me.

"Uh… honestly none of you look 2000." I say nervously.

"I'm only 22. Being a alicorn doesn't automatically make me centuries old!" She says in a hurt tone.

"My bad." I said, holding my hands in front of me in an innocent gesture.

"Then how old are you?" She asks, narrowing her eyes.

"22." I answer simply making Cadence blink in surprise.

"Well that's weird." She muttered.

"Are pony years the same as human years?" I asked.

"365 days?"

"Yep"

"Then yes, they are."

"Huh." I say as I rub my Chin, I wonder how old Twilight and Luna are now. I guess I should ask them at some point.

"Any more rules?" Cadence asks with a flat brow.

"Just follow me and stay close alright?" I said as I started walking toward the store again. I regretted saying that immediately whenever I felt her wing wrap around me.

"Not that close."

"Sorry."

We didn't say much until we were in front of the store looking up at the glowing Walmart sign.

"Those are some big letters..." She said almost nervously.

"Yep" I reply simply as we walk up to the doors. When we drew closer they opened automatically, startling Cadence. I stood and watched as she walked back and forth, watching them open and close, looking astonished.

"What are you doing?" I said quietly as people started to stare at her.

"How is it doing that?" She asked as she stepped forward again.

"Magic." I quip sarcastically before realizing and promptly smacking my forehead.

"But I thought you said-" she started to say with a puzzled look. I quickly grabbed her by the hoof and walked inside.

"She's not from around here!" I say to the confused spectators. I put on a fake smile until they moved away.

"It's just a sensor on the door or on the floor, there's no magic." I whispered to her.

"Oooh. Then why did you say-"

"Sarcasm my pink friend sarcasm."

She gives me a firm angry look and I clear my throat awkwardly.

When we walk in, Cadence's face lights up as she looks around.

"Wow! It's like a city in here!" She said with wonder.

"It's just a supermarket." I say with a small smile as I watch Cadence's head dart around the store. It's kinda neat to see their reactions to human things. I noticed her walking away again and I gritted my teeth.

"Ohh! What's over here!"

"Hey, put that down, I swear you are worse than a child!!!"

Heh... well at least she's not touching me right?

...

The house was quiet, Twilight was still glued to the tablet and sat silently in the armchair. Celestia was unsurprisingly in the kitchen looking in the cabinets for something to devour and Luna was sitting on the couch staring blankly up at the ceiling. The only sound was the steady ticking of a nearby wall clock.

Luna's foreleg swung lazily off the side of the couch, it swung in rhythm with the wall clocks steady ticks.

"Yummy!" Celestia said as she selected her next victim; Double Stuffed Oreos. Luna took a quick glance at her sister and rolled her eyes. Celestia came back to the couch and sat down next to her sister with an eager grin. With her magic she opened the pack and tossed one into her mouth. She chewed with a delighted look on her face until she noticed a cookie glow blue and float out of the pack. She gave Luna a fearsome scowl as the cookie gently floated above her mouth, then dropped into it in one smooth motion. Luna glanced at Celestia again with an indifferent look.

"Bite us," she quipped as she took another cookie. Celestia said nothing and just made a low grumble. Luna smirked victoriously and they continued to crunch and munch in peaceful silence. Eventually it had to be broken, because this is a story after all.

"Have you had enough time to think about your decision?" Celestia asked, keeping her face forward.

"Yes, we have." Luna replied blankly, her eyes firmly shut in denial.

"What is your decision?" Celestia asked.

"The answer is no." Luna states.

"Oh come on!" Celestia blurts.

"We do not wish to receive a belly rub from The human." Luna stated firmly before sitting on her hind legs her fore hooves crossed, muzzle in the air.

"Why not?" Celestia demanded.

"Because we art perfectly content rubbing it alone." She said. Then, as if to illustrate her point she started to rub her belly with her hoof. Celestia furrowed her brow as Luna put on a cheesy grin.

"Lulu its OK if you're a little nervous. You never did like ponies touching you..." Celestia started to say.

"WE ART ENJOYING OUR SENSATION THAT OUR OWN HOOF IS BRINGING!" Luna said loudly with a smile too wide to be real. Celestia brought a hoof to her face and sighed in frustration.

Twilight discreetly writes something down, this time shaking her head.

...

"Trust me Cadence… you don't want to go down there." I say nervously as I hold her hoof firmly in an attempt to hold her back.

"But! I want to see everything!" She pouted. "And something smells delicious!" She adds with a lick of her lips.

"I seriously doubt you want to see packaged flesh." I warn, as a gesture to the isle board, suspended above the us she was trying so badly to see.. Her resistance stopped immediately, and her fur seemed to turn blue. I look at her with worry.

"Are you OK?"

"..."

"Cadence?"

"Take me away from here now..." She says emotionlessly. I gulp nervously and pull her over to the ice cream isle. I waited for whatever Cadence had to fade before I spoke.

"I only came here for controllers, but..." I trailed off as I looked at the various ice cream products with a mischievous smile. Cadence looked at me and an adorable smile seemed to spread to her face. Before we could say anything, this cute girl started walking over to us. I blinked in surprise when I realized who it was.

"Oh, hey Kelly! Long time no see!" I said, giving her a friendly hug. Cadence's brow twitches, but she otherwise just watched silently. Kelly is one of my good friends from as far back as middle school. She's one of the few people I actually let hang around my house. She was on a really long trip out of town, but seems to be back now.

"Hi there Johnny! How have you been dude?" She asked, adopting a warm smile. I started to rub the back of my neck and smile nervously.

"Why do you always call me that?" I ask sheepishly.

"Because I can and its cute!" She says, pinching my cheek. I blush and take another look at Cadence. That's when she and Kelly locked eyes.

'The jealousy is strong with this one!'

"So who is this Derrick?" Cadence asked, keeping eye contact with Kelly a, fierce look in her eyes.

"Yeah, Johnny who is this colorful friend of yours?" Kelly asked, her eyes narrowing as Cadence's did.

"Cadence, Kelly. Kelly, Cadence." I said, pointing to them both respectively.

"Well… I see you like to lie now Johnny." Kelly muttered.

"What?" I say nervously.

"You told me you were done dating after the last girl..." She started to say.

"Oh… WAIT no, no, no, she's just a friend! " I said, Quickly waving my hand in front of me I can feel heat spread across my face.

"Uh-huh..." She said in disbelief, still keeping firm eye contact with Cadence. I sat there looking between them. What exactly am I witnessing? It's like they're having a conversation with their eyes! At first they shared the same hard stare, but eventually Kelly started to get nervous. Cadence started to smirk almost victoriously and Kelly suddenly turned to me.

"I'll catch you later, Johnny. We should hang sometime... To, you know… catch up." Kelly muttered as she started backing away. I sat there with a confused look as Kelly slowly withdrew away from us.

"It was nice to meet you… Kelly." Cadence said with a calm tone.

"Likewise." Kelly almost shrieked before running out of the isle. What the hell was that? I slowly turned to Cadence, who had taken on a predator like stance like she was defending her territory or something.

"What are you doing?" I ask loudly, making Cadence jump.

"Huh?" She said, straightening up her posture and grinning at me.

"What did you do?" I asked with a frown. Suspecting that magic was involved.

"Nothing." Cadence claimed, giving me a convincing smile.

"Right… nothing..." I muttered as I turned back to the ice cream.

"Why was she calling you Johnny?" Cadence asked curiously.

"My middle name is John. So I'm Derrick J. Young" I answer.

"Huh." Cadence grunts with a bemused expression.

"What?"

"It sounds weird." She says with a shrug, making me turn to her with a deadpan expression.

"OK Princess Mi Amore Cadenza." I struggled to say with a flat brow.

"What's wrong with my name?" She asks, looking a bit hurt.

"Nothing. Is it french or something?" I ask ignorantly.

"You mean Prench?"

"Prench?"

"Yes, the language they speak in Prance." She explained. I sat there scratching my head for a few seconds before it hit me.

They have a pony version of France?

Wait… Why am I even questioning the existence of an alternate version of France...

"That's unexpected..." I say, trying not to laugh sarcastically.

"I can speak a little Prench." She says with uncertainty.

"Let's hear it then." I say, folding my arms in front of me. She takes a moment to think before clearing her throat.

"Je veux être un avec vous." She said slowly. Yep, definitely sounds like French to me.

"What did you say anyways?" I ask curiously.

"Um...that's not important." She said with a blush. I raise my brow in suspicion.

"OK then..."

"Auntie Celestia is fluent in a lot of languages." She adds.

"Really? " I say with surprise. I can't imagine Tia speaking Spanish or Japanese or something. Truthfully, that would be kinda Hot-uh, I mean INTERESTING.

'Oh, don't switch now jackass!'

"What's your favorite flavor?" She asks, changing the subject thankfully back to ice cream.

"That is entirely dependent on my mood. I muttered. Cadence giggled and I rolled my eyes.

"Come on Candy. We have to get ice cream last so it doesn't melt while we're doing other stuff." I say with a wave as I start exiting the isle.

"Ok... Wait, did you just call me candy?" She asks with wide eyes.

"Yep. Problemo?" I ask with a grin.

"Not really... I was just wondering why." She said with a blush.

"Because it’s cute and I can?" I answer making her roll her eyes.

"I'm flattered. She says sarcastically with a flat brow.

"You should be Candy! " I said with a shit eating grin. Cadence said nothing and snorted.

"You look adorable when you’re annoyed Candy." I said as I ruffled her hair. She gave me an unamused glare and I laughed nervously.

"Alright then… Johnny," she said with a smug look.

"Oh hell no!" I blurt making her laugh.

"What's wrong John?" She asked with a giggle.

"You are not calling me that!" I say sternly.

"Then you must call me Cadence." She says as she tickles my cheek with her wing tip.

"Fine dammit..." I say with an annoyed sigh. Cadence snickers behind her hoof.

"You're cute when you're-"

"Oh, shut it and come on." I interrupted bitterly. Cadence snickers behind her hoof as she walks in front of me. I walk with a grumpy look until motion brought my attention to her plump... Behind. With every rhythmic step it jiggled, and with each jiggle my heart rate would increase. Eventually I stopped walking all together.

'You totally have to grab that!'

Uh, what the hell? Subconscious! What is your major malfunction?

'What's yours? You're letting a perfectly good one slip through because of some xenophobia?'

...

I’m sorry mom… There’s something so wrong with me; God forgive me...

"Derrick... My eyes are up here." Cadence says with a blush.

"Hmm? OH, yes; yes, they are." I muttered with a distracted tone, eyes still locked on her ass. It started to ripple again and I realized she was walking towards me.

"Like what you see?" She whispered in my ear.

'YES!'

Yes-er no! DAMMIT BRAIN FUCK YOU TOO!

"No, there's a spider on you." I muttered with a straight face as I pretended to swat something off of her ass. She yelped at my sudden touch and her cheeks colored.

"A spider?!" Cadence shrieked as she quickly spun around and checked herself. I watched her shake herself all over and couldn't help but snicker. "Is it gone?!" She demanded.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you trampled it to death." I said with a smirk.

'Real Smooth there DJ; you just smacked her ass congrats!'

Well... I'm not sure what to think right now... I know what I did was bad-

'But the booty felt so right!'

...

...

...

I think my brain needs a reboot or something anyone got brain bleach?

"Woah! They sell CLOTHES here too?!" Cadence suddenly blurted as she started galloping away.

"Aaaand there she goes again… Mature one moment… Kid the next."

...

"That is it!" Luna suddenly shouted. Making Twilight and Celestia jump.

"What's the matter Lulu?" Celestia called out from the kitchen. Twilight Discreetly wrote something else down on her notepad.

"We declare complete and total boredom!" Luna said with a frown.

"Are you going to do this every time Derrick isn't around?" Celestia asked with an annoyed look.

"Tis not my fault he is not here to entertain us." Luna said with a huff.

"Well he's not here he wont be here to entertain you all the time Lulu… Till then Find something to do." Celestia muttered. Luna let out an extra loud sigh of annoyance and lazily rolled off the couch. Celestia rolled her eyes at her sisters childish behavior.

"Tia..." She said as she crawled on her belly into the kitchen. She slowly made her way over to Celestia and wrapped her forelegs around Celestia's hind leg. She took a glance down at her sister and just shook her head, continuing what she was doing. She decided to be productive and make dinner for everyone.

"Tiiiiia..." Luna pouted again.

"What is it Sister?" Celestia asked calmly.

"We art bored!" Luna whined again, louder than before, still laying there lazily.

"I'm sure there is plenty to do around here Sister. You could play on that Xbox contraption." Celestia suggested as she moved to the other side of the kitchen, dragging Luna across like a begging child.

"But we want to wait for Master to return first!" Luna complained. Celestia's eye twitched and she briefly stopped what she was doing.

"Luna."

"Yes, sister?"

"Don't call Derrick that."

"Why not?" Luna complained as she rolled onto her back.

"Because its demeaning" Celestia said with a fake smile.

"So? The princess of the night hath no shame!" Luna announced.

"Fine. Just don't address him that way."

"We shall call him whatever we like." Luna said defiantly as she crossed her front hoofs and stuck her tongue out. Celestia looked down at her sister with a raised brow. Not wanting to argue she turned back to her work. A couple seconds went by before Luna let out another exaggerated sigh.

"TIIIIA..." Luna whined. That struck Celestia's last nerve. She turned back to her sister with a forced smile.

"Luna, I know something you can do." Celestia said calmly.

"What?" Luna asked excitedly as she sat up.

"The dishes!" Celestia said with a smile as she pointed to the somewhat large pile of dirty dishes. Luna's smile faded faster than (insert something fast) as she stood up.

"Actually... We think we will just go see what Twilight sparkle is doing." Luna said with a nervous smile.

"Uh huh..." Celestia grunted with an unamused look. She watched her sister lay down and crawl like a snake all the way to Twilight's chair. Luna waited a couple moments before opening her mouth wide.

"TWIIIII-" she started, but she was interrupted when Twilight's magic suddenly picking her up off the floor. Without looking, Twilight sat Luna down, shoved the Xbox controller into her hoofs, plopped Derrick's game collection next to her, slapped a headset onto her and said one simple word.

"PLAY!"

Luna looked down at the controller with some uncertainty. It was then that she realized how dry her throat was.

"We require a fitting refre-" she started to say. Next thing she knew the refrigerator door flew open, and a can of Mountain dew floated to Luna's waiting hoofs.

"You're welcome." Twilight said simply.

"Thank thee, but we need something to munch o-"

A large bag of Doritos went sailing out of the kitchen, surrounded by Golden magic.

"You're welcome."

"We thank thou Tia."

...

"Why are you so excited? You don't even wear clothes!" I complained as I followed the excited mare around the clothes section.

"Yes, I do-oh that's nice!" Cadence said as she picked up a pink shirt.

"When?" I ask curiously.

"On special occasions." She answered.

"You can't even wear most of this stuff anyway! They're designed for humans." I pointed out.

"I'm just looking DJ." Cadence said with a giggle.

"Besides, you never buy clothes from Walmart anyway." I said as I looked at them with disgust.

"Why not? They look nice to me!" Cadence said as she picked out another shirt. I grabbed the shirt she picked up and sighed.

"You don't buy clothes from Walmart because they may look nice, but most of them are cheaply made." I explain as I lightly tug on the shirt.

"Oh I'm sure they're not that bad." Cadence says. My point was illustrated when I literally tore a part of the shirt just by tugging it. Cadence and I looked at each other with wide eyes.

"Want to look at something else?" She suggests quickly.

"Yep!" I said as I shoved the shirt on a random hanger and quickly followed her out of the area. When we were sure there wheren’t any mad employee’s following us, Cadence looked back at me.

"I can't believe you actually did that!" She whispered.

"I told you they were cheap! Besides, I didn't think it would actually rip!" I whispered back.

"You should go back and pay for it!" Cadence scolded.

"Why buy that when I can buy candy?" I said as I spotted one of my favorite sections.

"Good point." Cadence said as she followed my gaze. We both smirked at each other before charging off into the candy isle like children. "Wow! We have the same candy in Equestria!" She remarked as she looked over the chocolates.

"Really?" I say with surprise.

"Well, kind of, the names are different." She corrected as she looked closer.

"That's strange." I remark as I pick up a pack of Hershey kisses. I should probably buy these, because who the hell doesn't like Hershey kisses anyway?

"Funny... That's called the same thing in Equestria." Cadence said to herself.

"Hey, do you want a kiss?" I ask casually as I turned the pack over in my hands. Cadence turns to me with a huge smile.

"Oh yeah!" She almost shouts.

"Alright, what kind?" I ask as I look at the row of various flavors. Personally, I like the peanut butter filled ones.

"Prench." Cadence says as she starts walking over to me.

"What?" Is all I could say before she pounced on me. She wrapped her hind legs around my back and her forelegs around my neck and started kissing me with up most passion. I stumble back from her weight and quickly supported her so she wouldn't fall...by tightly grabbing her ass. She moaned in my mouth and my cheeks caught on fire.

My brain didn't fully register the situation I was in until I realized Cadence's unusually long Tongue was exploring my mouth. I tried to get her off, but the girl had a kung fu grip on me or something. This left me with only two options.

Drop her ass or…

JUST LET IT HAPPEN MAN!!! LET IT HAPPEN!.

This decision is supposed to be really easy! What was left of my mind was being assaulted by questions.

Why haven't I dropped her on her ass?

Why am I still letting this happen?

Why is her ass so squishy?

"Why don't you get a room and fuck already?!" An angry customer suddenly shouted, startling us. Cadence finally let go of me and I sat there blushing with a lifeless expression. The guy walked past us, grabbed something off of the shelf and continued on his way. When he was gone, I slowly turned to the confident pony who was looking up at me with half lidded eyes.

"Cadence."

"Yes?"

"I was talking about the chocolate brand." I stated as I sheepishly pointed to the pack, now sitting on the floor.

"Oh..." Cadence said as she blushed and averted her eyes. I slowly brought my hand to my face and Cadence's ears went flat against her skull. I rubbed my temples and tried to clear my head of what seemed to be voices arguing in my head. I lowered a hand to my pockets and fished out my wallet. Cadence watched curiously as I fished out a 20 dollar bill. I removed my sports watch and held it in my hand.

"Here's my watch, and 20 dollars; meet me back here in 15 minutes." I said as held it out to her. She accepted it with a puzzled look.

"OK, thanks; but where are you going?" She asked.

"I just need to think." I said as I started backing away. Cadence gave me a sad look as I slowly turned around and started walking away. When I turned the corner of the isle I heard the steady clip clop of Cadence's hoofs behind me.

"Derrick?" She called out as she came next to me. "I'm so sorry! I thought you were talking about..." She trailed off, looking down in shame.

"It's not your fault Cadence... I just... I'll see you in 15." I said as I walked faster. Cadence stopped with a sad look as I turned down another aisle.

My "subconscious" and I need to talk.

...

"This is more difficult than we imagined." Luna said as she watched her lifeless body collapse to the ground for the tenth time. She still wanted to wait for Derrick to return before playing Halo. So instead she decided to play something else until he got back. She selected this "Call of Duty Advanced Warfare" game simply because it was on top of the pile. She started it and got lost in the menus for a few minutes before finally discovering the multiplayer.

She discovered that the device that Twilight placed on her head allowed her to communicate with the other humans in the game. She found out just how cruel humans can be to a bad player. They complained about everything from what weapon she was using, to every wrong move she made. At least until Luna actually SPOKE into the headset.

Suddenly every one's attitude seemed to change. They were a lot nicer, her teammates gave her tips, the enemies complimented her gradually increasing skills. That was when she truly started to enjoy herself. Eventually the players got a little TOO friendly. Players in the lobbies started complimenting her Sexy voice or her ‘cute’ way of speaking.

Her teammates started to ask her things she didn't quite understand like what her phone number was or what her Facebook was. Their questions got increasingly strange and she had to draw the line when she heard what sounded like a child ask to see her breasts. The headset was now muted and set aside.

While she admitted she was having fun, every time she thought she was doing well, the next match someone would stab her in the back, or misuse a long-range weapon at close range and kill her, or hide in a spot that provides no tactical advantage until she stumbled upon them, or other equally annoying tactics.

"We cannot defeat him!" Luna growled. Celestia walked over from the kitchen, munching on a fish sandwich.

"What's wrong?" She asked curiously as she sat next to her sister.

"This 'Kitty|MeowT6' keeps vanquishing us." Luna said angrily. In the game, She jumped up to a roof after him, picking off a nearby enemy player. When he got to the edge of the building he jumped off and started spinning in circles. Next thing she knew a sniper bullet was flying through her head and her body was tumbling off a building. Luna growled again and gritted her teeth. Celestia took another bite of her sandwich with a neutral expression.

"Let me try." Celestia asked with her mouth full. Luna gladly set down the controller which was then lifted by Celestia's magic.

"Use these to move thine soldier..." Luna started to explain.

"Don't help me." Celestia said, swallowing another bite. Luna looked puzzled as her sister pressed every button on the controller to see what each one's function was. Unfortunately, she blew her self up with the grenade button, making Luna snicker. She thought that she watched Derrick and Luna play enough to have a decent grasp on this so, After about a minute of familiarization she could navigate and shoot decent enough.

"Now where is this 'meow' at?" Celestia asked. Before Luna could say anything Celestia's limp body was hurled into a nearby wall from a exo suit powered punch.

"He slayed thee." Luna said with disappointment. Celestia's demeanor started to change. She sat up from her relaxed position and her neutral look turned to a more serious one. She shortly encountered an enemy and dropped him and his friend on their asses. Luna's eyes widened as her sister started to pick off enemies with deadly efficiency.

"Thou art quite good at this." Luna whispered. Celestia said nothing as she stared at the screen, with fierce determination. A few kills later she found HIM, ironically tailing one of her teammates as she tailed him. She could have shot him right then and there, but she wanted to savor this kill. She switched to her knife, and slowly crept up behind him. Unfortunately, her teammate fell victim to Kitty|MeowT6, but it was a necessary sacrifice for what was about to happen.

With a satisfying click she killed her prey and watched the body of her vanquished foe fall in front of her. A few moments later the match ended with a victory. The kill replayed Her moment of triumph for all to see.

"Good job sister!" Luna said excitedly.

"Thank you!" Celestia said proudly.

"We wish to play now." Luna said, holding her hoof out to receive the controller.

"That was quite satisfying! Can I play again, please?" Celestia asked nicely.

"Hmm… fine. We will allow this." Luna said with a shrug as she sat back.

"Yay" Celestia chirped as she took a another bite of her sandwich.

...

I was in the electronics section staring at the Xbox controller I originally came to get. But rather than getting it and leaving I just stood there deep in thought. It was more like an internal argument than simple thoughts though. It was mostly concerning Cadence and the other ponies.

I'm not gonna lie, she's adorable! Really cute and cuddly, but the issue is she's slowly going from "cute like a puppy" to "cute as in Sexy". The worst part?

I think I'm fine with that.

After that raunchy dream... that time I spent with Tia, the time I'm spending with Cadence now, That amazing kiss and its heavenly follow up- I mean er... GOD DAMMIT! I'm so conflicted! I'm starting to look at them in ways that I shouldn't. I mean me dating a pony! That's fucking ridiculous! Then again... I can't treat them like animals! That would be unfair and even offensive to them. They're just as intelligent as me! Hell, probably smarter! But does that make it OK?

Regardless, I have to say that Cadence's ass is super squeezable.

...

...

...

I'm insane. Completely fucking insane; SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW!

Unsatisfied, I decided to just drop the issue for now and get what I actually came for. My old controller is kinda worn down so I think I'll buy two. But that would leave me with three controllers....

Nope. Have to get four, because even numbers are the shit. Damn while I'm at it I should probably get new PlayStation controllers too. Damn... All of this could get me a Wii U! I walked over to the Wii U section and a game caught my eye. Well two games actually.

Super smash bros U and Mario kart 8.

Every time I fucking come here I find myself starring at the only reason I would get a Wii U and I wonder why I haven't purchased one yet. Was it money? No its the cheapest console. Oh wait I remember now.

I have Nobody to play it with.

I had fond memories of playing Smash bros and Mario kart with friends, hunched around a small screen, teasing and taunting each other. Boy Those were the days! I set aside my nostalgia and sat there bemused. A funny image of me playing the girls in Smash bros popped into my head making me snicker. That would be hilarious, wouldn't it? You know what?

Fuck it! Buying this shit right now!

...

Walking away with a fairly bulky bag of things, I made my way back over to the candy section where I told Cadence I would meet her. I wonder what she bought? Maybe a shirt? or that ice cream? Eh, doesn't matter anyway. When I turned the corner to the candy section I paused. Cadence was there already, carrying a bag which meant she already bought some stuff, but the thing I was really focused on was the guy standing next to her.

Who the fuck is that guy?

He was standing there with a cool smirk on his face and I could tell from Cadence's blush and posture that he was trying to hit on her. At first I thought nothing of it, hell, maybe she'd go crazy for him rather than me. But as I watched Cadence giggle nervously and the guy press on for the digits something sparked inside of me. Something I've never felt before.

Before I could identify the unfamiliar feeling, said feeling forced me to walk over there.

I stopped a few feet behind “Casanova” and folded my arms. Cadence was sitting on her haunches, nervously blushing and looking up at the guy.

"You have beautiful eyes." The guy said in a smooth tone.

"Um.. Thank you..." Cadence said, scooting away and blushing slightly.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" The guy asked.

"Um..." Cadence said with an uncertain look as she averted her eyes, shifting uncomfortably.

"Because if you're single you and I could, you know… go to dinner..." The guy trailed off. Cadence's eyes widened and she backed away again.

"Uh... no, that's alright..." She said timidly.

"But I insist." The guy said as he stepped closer. This fucker isn't taking the hint! So I decided to make my presence known. So I fake coughed.

Twice.

"Derrick!" Cadence said, lighting up when she saw me. The guy slowly turned his head and we locked eyes. My eyes narrowed with his as we sized each other up. If things go south I think I could take him.

"Who are you," he asked, his smooth tone replaced with a hostile one. Cadence mouthed the words "help me!" Behind him, which determined my next answer.

"I'm her boyfriend." I said with a straight face. The guy visibly deflated, especially whenever Cadence came to my side and I wrapped an arm around her.

"Oh..." He said. When Cadence wasn't looking I shot the guy a look that told him to fuck himself sideways. "I'll just go..." He muttered as he turned his back to us and left the isle. When he was gone Cadence looked up at me.

"Thank you DJ! That guy couldn't take a hint!" Cadence said with relief. "I didn't think you'd actually pose as my boyfriend." She added with a giggle.

"Who does he think he is? All i saw was a Fucking extra terrestrial, mouth breathing flake of ass dandruff! " I grumbled. When I turned down to Cadence, she had a surprised look on her face.

"What?" I say with an innocent look.

"No way..." Cadence whispered.

"WHAT?" I demanded with a clueless expression.

"You were ACTUALLY jealous of that guy weren't you!" Cadence accused with a shit eating grin. I sat there blankly as Cadence proceeded to laugh her ass off and point at me. I can't really retort because I honestly don't know what else I did would be called.

"Oh, that's so cute!" She giggled. I removed my arm from her and started walking away. She followed close behind, still giggling at me as I walked with a deadpan expression.

"We're leaving." I stated.

"Aww... It's OK to be jealous DJ" Cadence said as she poked my side.

"Leaving!... NOW"

"Jealously is nothing to be asha-"

"EXITING THE BUILDING!" I start walking away.

"OK, but can we get one thing before we go?" Cadence said as something in one of the isle's caught her eye.

"Fine." I state simply as I follow her into it. She was staring at a large bag of horse feed.

"Can we get a bag of this?" She asked.

"Sure." I say with a shrug as I drag a conveniently empty cart that was left nearby. As I was lifting the bag up Cadence started to look around puzzled.

"This is the pet isle?" She asked.

"Yep." I say simply as I put the my bag in the cart.

"So humans have horses as pets?" Cadence said with a bemused look.

"Yeah. Humans ride horses" I explained. Cadence sat there creeped out, probably because ponies are basically just small horses.

"That's… interesting." She says with a twitchy brow.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to stick a saddle on you or something." I say with a laugh.

"Uh huh." she grunts with a flat brow.

"Besides I bet Celestia would be the only one big enough to carry me anyway." I added.

"Oh please. I could fly with you on my back just as easily as she could!" Cadence stated confidently.

"Oh, I would love to see that." I joke. Whenever Cadence spread her wings and lifted me up with her forelegs I squirmed.

"Hey, I was joking!" I blurt.

"Oh." Cadence. Said as she plopped me down. I kinda forgot the whole "super strength" thing.

That probably looked strange on camera...

"Alright, lets head out" I say as I push the Cart. Cadence follows closely next to me as we walk back toward the front of the store.

...

"Why are you so upset?" Cadence asked as she noticed my grumpy attitude.

"Because that asshole kept sneezing and coughing on my back like I was his goddamn tissue!" I complained as I put my seat belt on. "I swear I'm going to catch a cold because that prick couldn't keep his microbes to himself!" I hissed. "Oh, and lets not forget that heavy ass bag of horse feed hurt my back even more!" I add.

"That's what you're mad about?" Cadence asked with a snicker.

"Hell yes!" I grumble.

"I can fix your back with magic." Cadence offers.

"No. No more healing magic!" I say nervously. It always gives me a huge hard on for some reason.

"I thought you were upset because of what the cashier said." said. Cadence said with a snicker.

"Oh don't remind me..." I muttered with a shake of my head.

"What? It was just a compliment." Cadence said with a smug grin.

"I don't take us being a 'cute couple' as a compliment." I say bitterly. Cadence snickers again and I sigh. I was searching my pocket for my keys when Cadence looked like she forgot something.

"I forgot to give this back. Thanks by the way." Cadence said as she floated the 20 I gave her earlier into my hands. I stared at it in confusion then turned back to her.

"Did you steal those things?" I ask worriedly.

"No, the cashier paid for it." Cadence stated. I turned back to her with a unamused look as I slowly stuffed the 20 back into my pocket.

"What the hell did you get anyway?" I ask, raising my brow. Cadence's eyes widen and she looked down to her hoofs.

"Nothing..." She says nervously. I stare for a few more moments before shrugging and starting up the engine. The moment I start up the engine Cadence's wings flop open. Oh, here we fucking go again!

"You're a good kisser DJ..." she says with a sultry tone and a half lidded expression. I make a mental note that I'll probably get a few speeding tickets from driving these mares around.

...

When we got home, I had to wipe pony saliva off of my cheek. Cadence's apologizing didn't make me feel any less violated.

"I'll get the stuff out in a minute." I say as I start to unlock the door. Cadence comes next to me and waits. When I opened the door and walked in I paused with a flat brow.

This isn't what I was expecting.

"What is it?" Cadence says as she walks in behind me and pauses, sharing my surprise and confusion.

The moment we walked in Twilight started writing things down and staring at me in a stalker like manner; Celestia was sitting on the couch with a few crushed mountain dew cans and an empty bag of Doritos and orange fur in some areas I'd rather not have seen.

"Boom head shot!" She said with a smirk as she quick-scoped the fuck out of someone with deadly accuracy that suspiciously resembled an aimbot… I swear if I get banned for that she’s paying for a new account.

OK...moving on...

As if that wasn't weird enough, I heard a clip clop of hoofs above me making me look up to see Luna… standing on the ceiling.

Yep; this is a thing now… You know what… I don't even care anymore.

"Greetings!" She said with an upside down smile.

"Luna?" I cross my arms and raise my eyebrow slightly.

"Yes?"

"Why are you on the ceiling?"

"We were bored." she replies casually. I turn to Cadence and point a thumb at Luna.

"How did she-"

"Gravity spell." Cadence answers with a flat brow.

"OK... why is Tia on the Xbox? " I ask next as I witness Celestia quick scope another victim.

"She helped us vanquish a rival and has not given it back since." Luna explained as she laid down on the ceiling.

"OK... the laws of physics don't apply to Ponies." I say out loud to myself.

"Want to join us master? It's quite fun."

"I'm fine on the ground-"

My body goes crashing to the ceiling.

"Ow...-thanks anyway." I finish with a cough as the wind has been knocked out of me. Cadence cringes while Twilight writes something else down.

"Isn't this fun master?" Luna says as she nuzzles my cheek.

"No... No, it is not." I complain as I stand up and try not to lose my lunch. OK, this actually is pretty cool, everything looks so different up here.

"Can you put him down, please?" Cadence asks.

"No! No, wait-"

My body goes crashing to the floor.

"Ahhhhgggg… Fuck my life! Thanks a lot!" I bark as I rub my back in pain.

"Sorry." Cadence squeaks as she retreats over to the couch.

"Fuck..." I moan in pain.

"What is the meaning of this 'Fuck'" Luna asks curiously.

"It means a lot of things. Just come down from there." I complain as I lay flat on my stomach.

"OK." She replies simply. Next thing I know Luna comes crashing to the ground.

Right on my back.

“GAHHHHHH!!!” I raise my head before face palming the floor.

"We miscalculated." Luna said as she looked down on me.

"No... shit." I reply bitterly as a tear runs down my cheek; my back feels like it’s been shattered into a million pieces.

"I got this for you." Cadence said as she gave Celestia a bunch of bananas.

"Oh, thank you!" Celestia said. She then proceeded to un-peel one, stuff it lengthwise completely into her mouth, then swallow in one gulp without even choking.

Dirty thoughts...

Dirty thoughts!

DIRTY THOUGHTS!!!

"This is for you." Cadence said as she handed Twilight a book. It was hard to see from here, but the cover art looked vaguely like a gray tie.

I swear to god if that's what I think it is..

"Oh! A romance novel!" Twilight said with a huge grin after looking it over.

"I want to read it when you're done." Cadence added. Then she walked back over to Luna and I. "This is for you" Cadence said as she gave Luna a magazine.

"Huzza! Thank thee!" Luna said as she almost snatched it. I couldn't read the title, but the cover had a bunch of shirtless guys.

"Cadence what else did you buy?" I ask as I see the outline of something disturbing in her bag.

"Nothing!" She says as she quickly goes up the stairs. I try to get up to go after her, but Luna is sitting on me.

"One could knock out somepony with THAT" Luna said with a giggle as she held the magazine sideways and pulled out a long page.

"CADENCE!" I raise my fist before resuming my meeting with the floor.

Author's Note

Notes: references everywhere!!! Gotta catch em all! Anyway, I might add a sex tag to the story because of how naughty its getting and will get, but not necessarily clop levels of naughtiness.

Yes, they're going to play smash bros ;)

Chapter 8: Cuddlez

Chapter 8: Cuddlez

Alright... Let's see here...

Celestia is probably going to get me banned from Xbox live, Twilight is still giving me this oddly cute stalker look, Cadence bought some really sketchy items, and is barricaded In Her room doing god knows what and finally Luna is still on my fucking back!

"Fuck my life..." I mutter under my breath, as I introduce my forehead to the ground repeatedly.

"Again with this...’fuck’ word?" Luna says as she flips a page in her dirty magazine.

"Yes, fuck! As in, why the fuck are you still On my back? " I ask bitterly.

"We quite enjoy sitting on thine back. Tis strong and supportive." Luna said with a content smile.

'It won't be after something like this.'

"Oh, that's great, but I kinda need to stand up soooo.....GET THE HELL OFF!" I shouted. Luna slowly looked up from her magazine with A deadly gaze.

"Do not....raise...thine voice...with us..." she said quietly.

"Then get OFF!" I shout again.

"We will get off thine back when we feel like it human!" She boomed with a death glare. I sat there wide eyed for a couple seconds as she slowly moved dangerously close to my face. In her beautiful cyan eyes... I saw my tombstone.

'I think you should stop right there bud.'

Shut up! You're not in charge!

"Are we understood?" Luna asked quietly, narrowing her eyes.

Hell NO! I'm not going to let some pony boss me ar-

"Yes, your Highness." I said obediently with a nod.

"That's a good boy." she said with a smile as she nuzzled my cheek and went back to reading.

What the hell was that?!

'Oh my bad. Had to intervene there'

Why!?

'In case you forgot, our face isn't half bad. I'd actually like to keep it that way'

...

OK...gotta think...new plan! Time to put my knowledge of pony biology to use! They all have these really sensitive spots that can drastically alter their moods if exploited. So far those areas are the horn and stomach, and of course that...er awesome area beneath the stomach. The one that I touched the most has been Celestia and she seems to have another spot; right behind her ear.
The weird thing is the same spot on Cadence doesn't do anything, which means that spot is unique to Celestia. This leads me to assume that all these ponies have a unique spot. To get this mare off me, I’m going to have to find that spot.

A mischievous grin slowly goes on my face as I start to do something I’m fairly proficient at.

...

Derrick started to get this really mischievous look as his fingers uncurled. Twilight's quill suddenly stopped so she could observe.

"Thou hath been surprisingly well behaved." Luna said, she flipped another page.

"Yeah, that's great and stuff, but, um listen... I have to ask you something..." he said in a calm tone. Twilight raised her brow as Luna slowly lowered her magazine. Derrick adopted this half lidded expression and Luna's cheeks turned faintly red.

Twilight checks the box labeled; is he cute?

"What doth thou wish to ask of us?" Luna asked. A slight waver in her voice as she gazed into Derrick's eyes.

"Something really important." he said in a tone that made Twilight's ears twitch with delight. Celestia found herself watching them instead of the game.

"Come closer Lulu..." Derrick said in a sultry tone. Luna blushed, then with some hesitation, slowly moved her head closer. Celestia's eyes started to narrow as the pair got dangerously close.

"Art we...close enough now?" Luna asked with a half lidded expression and a confident smile.

"Yeah, that's perfect." Derrick said as he rubbed a hand through her shimmering mane. Luna's face colored a dark shade of red, and she slowly closed her eyes and leaned in for a-

"Hey, are you ticklish?" Derrick suddenly asked, his affectionate gaze disappearing completely.

"What?" Luna asked, opening her eyes and leaning back slightly.

"I said, are you ticklish?"

Twilight and Celestia gave each other a quick confused glance.

"Why?" Luna asked with a flat tone.

"Because that would make the next few seconds very convenient for me..." Derrick said as he slid his hand from Luna's cheek up to her horn.

"We don't under-WAAAH!" Luna yelped as Derrick gripped Luna's horn tightly, forcing a moan out of Her. Her wings shot out to her sides for everyone to see. She glared at Derrick with a mixture of pleasure and anger as she slowly stood off his back. When she was off him, Derrick used his other arm to push himself up with a painful grunt.

"Gotcha!" Derrick said with a victorious smirk. Celestia started to snicker, turning back to the Tv with some relief. Twilight watched with a bemused expression, not expecting this to be the outcome.

"Unhand us Human..." Luna says weakly.

"Nah. This is way too funny." Derrick says with a mischievous laugh.

"We will be… forced to take action if thou doth not unhand us now!" She said, stifling a moan.

"Oh, don't even lie, you're enjoying this." He teases. Luna's face turns bright red and she forces a frown.

"WE DO NOT!" She barked. Her wings twitched as Derrick's hand tickled her horn once more.

Twilight promptly circled all the notes she'd taken on Luna so far and wrote the word "Tsundre" in big letters, then she drew huge arrows pointing to it.

"You never answered my question Lulu."

"Do not call us that! And we are not telling thou!" Luna said.

"Well, that sucks for you Lulu." Derrick said as he tickled her horn again, forcing another moan out of her.

"Why doth thou say that?"

"Because I planned to find out myself anyways." Derrick said with an evil grin. Luna's eyes widened before Derrick pounced on her. He started to tickle her all over, making Luna powerless.

"ST....STOP IT!" Luna bellowed with musical laughter as Derrick seemed to be searching for a specific spot.

"Well, you didn't get off my back when I told you to, so why should I stop?" Derrick demanded. Twilight made an important note to prevent Derrick from touching her horn, so something like this wouldn't happen to her.

"WE ARE WA...WARNING THOU" Luna said in-between her musical laughter.

"Yeah, yeah." Derrick muttered. Eventually his hand grazed Luna's wing, forcing a cat like purr out of her.

"Found it!" Derrick exclaimed victoriously.

"Do not touch our wings please..." Luna squeaked in a timid voice that was out of character for her.

That sounded cute as hell.

'In a sexy way'

Hush.

"You mean like this?" Derrick says as he gives her wings a light tug. Luna shivered with pleasure and looked up to the human with frustration.

"We will show thou how it feels..." she said cryptically.

"What do you me-" Derrick started to say. Luna's horn sparked to life and the moment it did Derrick paused and his legs started to shiver. His face lit up and his pupils seemed to be nonexistent. An evil smirk slowly grew on Luna's flushed face.

"Luna… let go." Derrick said nervously.

"Thou doth not like it when we return the favor?" Luna said with a snicker.

"I'm serious! You don't play around with something like this." Derrick said as his legs started shaking more.

"Thou means like this?" Luna said, her magic glowing brighter for a moment making Derrick whimper and moan.

Twilight tilted her head in confusion, as she couldn't see what body part Luna was grabbing.

"Please... stop..." Derrick begged.

"Aww, but thou makes cute faces." Luna said with a giggle.

"Stop..." Derrick moaned, taking in a sharp breath.

"The sounds art cute too." Luna adds.

"OK, we're even! Stop it!" Derrick barks in frustration.

"Then release our wings from thine grip"

"You first!"

"We shall count to three and release them at the same time."

"OK"

"1"

"2"

"3"

Derrick released Luna's wings, while Luna's horn stopped glowing. The two quickly got up and dusted themselves off. Then they gave each other a stern look, slowly narrowing their eyes.

"OK...we're even now... right?" Derrick asks.

"Yes of course." Luna mumbles. Derrick nods, then started walking back to To couch, followed by Luna. They sat down next to each other silently for a few moments, staring at the screen.

"Hey Luna."

"What is it human?"

"You make cute faces too." Derrick teased. Luna blushed and smiled for a moment until she noticed her sister snickering.

"You two are so adorable." Celestia commented. Luna slowly turned to Derrick with a frown.

"What?" He muttered. Next thing he knew, Luna gave him a firm punch in the shoulder. He clutched it in pain and rolled off the couch. "Ahhhh! What the hell was that for?" He barked.

Twilight shook her head and underlined the word "Tsundre" in her notes.

...

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck..." I groaned as a rolled onto my back.

"Sister apologize..." Celestia said in a disappointed tone as she put the controller down and got up to help me.

"Nay. There is no need." Luna said as she folded her hoofs.

"I don't understand you Luna." I muttered.

"We do not wish for thine understanding." She with an angry snort. What's her problem all of a sudden? I was going to retort, but I decided against it because I'm seriously in enough pain as it is right now. My back feels like it’s been ground to dust by Luna's cheeks of steel and my shoulder feels dislocated. Celestia offers a hoof to help me up and I take it without hesitation.

"Are you alright?" Celestia asks.

"Your sister has a mean arm… I mean foreleg." I say quietly.

"Yes... For your safety, i would avoid making her use it." Celestia suggested.

"OK...compliments are bad now." I say with a blank look.

"She's very... complicated"

"I just think she needs a chill pill."

"We can hear thou speaking! Luna shouted.

"Hey, do me a favor and keep the salt over there, it’s getting in my eyes." I quipped. Luna growled and glared at me, her wings flaring at her sides for a moment.

"Derrick what did I just say?" Celestia asked with a raised brow.

"Oh yeah, sorry Tia. I can't help myself sometimes because i have this permanent condition."

"What condition?" she asked with a flat brow.

"Being an asshole" i said with a straight face. Celestia slowly nodded and cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Well… ok then. You should lay down." She says as she puts a hoof on my other shoulder.

"I guess..." I say with a shrug. She sits back down on the couch and I sit next to her, making sure Celestia was between Luna and I. With a quiet groan of pain I settle down in the chair. I watch Celestia play the Xbox.

"Where the hell did you learn to play like that?" I ask as I observe her deadly accuracy.

"I'm honestly not sure. I just aim and fire." She says simply as she kills another target.

"You do realize you have score streaks right?"

"Score streaks?" Celestia says with a puzzled expression.

"You've gotta press the D-pad." I say as I Lean forward and reach my arm across her. I grunt as I gently tap the D-pad on the controller.

-Orbital care package inbound-

"See? Pick it up when it drops." I said as I leaned back. Celestia slowly turned and gave me a look I couldn't read. Well actually now that I really look I can see a faint blush but that's it.

"Something wrong?" I ask.

"Um… no. Thank you for the assistance." She said as she turned back. She still had that blank look on her face, but I could tell that something was on her mind. This became especially apparent when I noticed her miss a shot for the first time since I got here.

"There goes your 100% accuracy." I joked. After an odd amount of time, she finally responded.

"Yes, I agree." She muttered. I did a double take and stared at her.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Oh... I was just... nothing." Celestia said with a nervous smile. I look at her suspiciously and she quickly turns back to the game. Hmmm... not sure what that's about. I sighed and looked at my left shoulder. There was a huge hoof shaped bruise on it. Why is Luna always hurting me? At least she didn't kick me in the balls again right?

Celestia ended the match with yet another victory and sat back.

"Ok, I think that's enough for now." Celestia said as she put the controller down and got up. She walked in the kitchen and I sat there rubbing my bruise.

"Art thou going to play?" Luna asked.

"Maybe." I reply blankly.

"We wish to see how thou plays the game." Luna said as she passed me the controller. I sigh and roll my eyes. I set up a fast SMG class, because speed is everything to me in these types of games.

"Why art thou using the small weapon?"

"Because it shoots fast, makes me run fast, reloads faster, aims fast." I explain.

"But it doth not do much damage."

"So?"

"So...thou should select the weapon with the most damage."

"That depends on the range, and damage isn't everything."

"Well, it appears that thy thinks speed is everything"

"I like to be fast, you like to do more damage, they're just preferences. They design the game so that both of us are still on equal footing... Well they TRY to."

"Hm. The match begins." Luna said, pointing to the screen.

"Oh, right." I mutter as I start to play. I picked search in destroy just because I haven't played it in a while.

"Dammit." I curse as I was the first to go down on my team. Luna starts laughing her ass off.

"We could do better than that! " She taunts.

"Oh, shut up... I have to warm up." I muttered.

"Excuses..." Luna muttered, shaking her head. Then she gave my shoulder a light tap.

"Aw, dammit! Again with the shoulder?!" I barked.

"Oh, we apologize!" Luna said nervously. I grumbled and turned back to the game. My anger and pain seemed to fuel my skills, because the next round I single handily wiped out the enemy team. There was basically more of that until my team inevitably won.

"Welp, I'm done" I say as I Toss the controller aside. Luna eyes widen and she scoots closer.

"Did thou purchase the new controllers?" She asked worriedly.

"Of course I did they're in the car." I say as I sink into the chair a bit, wincing as pain shoots up my back.

"We wish to play the halo." she said with pleading eyes.

"Not right now...I feel like shit." I said with a pained expression.

"But we've waited all day Master." She said with puppy eyes.

"Luna I..." I trailed off.

Don't fucking look at her!

'Too late'

"Dammit...Ok, Ok fine. I'll get the stuff." I said as I grabbed my keys and pushed myself up with a groan. I unlocked the car remotely, then started to shuffle over to the door.

"Fucking ponies." I whispered under my breath. Before I could open the door Cadence decided to come down the stairs.

"Don't you worry about the stuff in the car. I'll get it for you." Cadence said as she walked over to me. I looked down at her with a neutral expression.

"What were you doing upstairs?" I ask with a raised brow.

"Nothing." She says as she finishes off a cucumber my shoving it lengthwise into her mouth.

Dirty thoughts...

DIRTY MOTHERFUCKIN THOUGHTS… AGAIN!

"That seems to be your answer for everything." I say with a flat brow. She just flashes that cute smile of hers and walks past me.

"Don't forget to use the spell." I call out to her as she opens the door and walks out

"I know, silly." She said with a giggle. She opened the trunk and took the bags out of it, then she returned to the house. She came inside and i locked the door.

"Thanks Cadence." I say as I go back over to the couch and sit down. She says you're welcome as I close my eyes for a second. Next thing I know, there was a plate with a hot and steamy fish sandwich in my face. I looked up and saw Celestia smiling at me.

"Thanks Tia." I said with a grin as I accepted the plate.

"You're welcome. " She said with a warm smile. She sat down next to me and i proceed to eat one of the best fish sandwiches I've had in a long time. Meanwhile, Cadence was taking the stuff out of the bags. Luna watched excitedly until Cadence pulled out the Wii U box.

"What is that?" Luna wondered with a flat brow.

"It's a Wii U. Another game system like the Xbox" I explained.

"But thou already owns the Xbox, why purchase another system?" She asked clueless.

"Because some systems have games that are exclusive to them."

"Why not just hath every game available on every system. Would that not be easier?"

"Yeah, it would; but then there wouldn't be any competition. Or reason to buy one over the other." I say. Luna takes a moment to consider that before shrugging and laying back again. I would be setting the Wii-U up right about now if I didn't feel like death. She looked over to the table where Cadence was laying the Xbox controllers out.

"Thou hath four controllers now." Luna comments.

"Yes, how observant of you..." I quip.

"So four of us can play the Xbox simultaneously?" She asks, sitting up.

"Depends on the game but yeah." I said sheepishly. Luna gasped and started to smile.

"So four of us can play halo?" She asked, scooting closer.

"Yeah, but I don't think..." I started.

"TIA!" She barked.

"Yes sister?" Celestia said as she sat next to me.

"We wish for thou to play with us!"

"Sure, why not." Celestia said with a shrug. Hmmm... did I just feel her shrug? How the hell....oh. Celestia's wing was wrapped around me and I was tucked quite close to her. I slowly turned to her and she was smiling down on me.

Should I be worried about this?

'Nah'

Ok, I can let this slide since we've been closer than this. Besides, she's so goddamn soft! Better than any pillow I've ever slept on. When pain shot through my back again Celestia brought me closer, her softness easing the pain. If she keeps this up... I'm going to... fall... asl-

"Derrick!" Luna suddenly exclaimed jerking me up and causing more pain.

"Nnng... Whatttt?" I asked, sitting up. Luna simply pointed to the TV where she had halo ready.

"Help us set up our rematch with thou." She said excitedly. I looked at her sadly and sighed.

"Luna... look, I know you really wanted to play, but right now I'm seriously not in the mood." I explained. Luna's excitement faded from her face making me feel like an asshole. "My neck and back hurt like hell, my shoulder is sore and I'm pretty sleepy." I added. Luna's ears drooped down.

"Would thou play if we helped thou feel more comfortable?" She asked with some hope.

"I guess." I said with a shrug which I regretted immediately because of the pain.

"Then we shall help thou relax!" She boomed.

"You could start by cutting down your volume." I muttered as my ears rang with her voice.

"Sorry." She squeaked.

"Man I could use a drink..." I muttered as chuckled and shook my head.

"That can be arranged.." Celestia said with a smirk. I tilted my head and looked up at her with a raised brow.

"Yes, please sister, get him a drink!" Luna said frantically. Celestia nodded and slowly stood up. The absence of her soft wing made pain shoot through my body once again. A few moments later Cadence walked over and stood in front of me. Before I could question what she was doing, she plopped down right on my lap.

"Um, what are you doing?" I ask as my cheeks light up. Unlike Twilight, who laid across my lap on her side, Cadence is sitting upright. She turned her head slightly and gave me bedroom eyes.

"You don't mind if I... sit here right?" She asked in a sultry tone that sent chills down my spine.

"Uh... I... um" I stuttered. I could barely think straight because her rump was right against my crotch. Focus Derrick! Use your words!

'I don't mind if she sits here..'

You know what? Fuck it! Me neither!

'Wow...for once we agree.'

Go figure.

"Sure..." I say nervously. She smiles and lays her head back, resting it on my good shoulder.

"Thank you DJ." She says in this sweet voice that thrills me. She gives me this irresistibly sexy look as she nuzzles my cheek.

My god that face!

'Makes all the pain go away'

Thanks for reminding me asshole...

I wince slightly as I adjust my position. Cadence looks at me with worry.

"Are you sure you don't want me to heal you?" She asks.

"No, I'll be fine." I say with a reassuring smile. I glance over to Twilight and she's going mad with that quill. I was going to ask, but Celestia came back with a bottle and a shot glass.

"I apologize for the delay. It was difficult to find." She said as she sat down next to us.

"Nah’ its cool." I muttered. Celestia stretched her wing out once more and wrapped it around Cadence and I. Celestia used her magic to pour me a glass and offered it to me.

"Thanks Tia." I said as I didn't hesitate to down the glass.

"You are always welcome." She said with a warm motherly smile.

"Art thou ready to play now?" Luna asked with a bemused look. I look around then start to nod.

"Yep." I reply with a content smile.

"Huzzah!" Luna exclaims.

"Volume!" I bark back. Luna smiles nervously as I grumble.

"Twilight sparkle? Doth thou wish to be player four?" Luna asked. Twilight thought for a moment before nodding.

"OK, I'll try it out." Twilight says. Luna claps her hoofs together and giggles excitedly. Luna uses her magic to pass out the controllers to all of us. When I get mine, I wrap my arms around Cadence's waist and let my hands rest in her lap. She produces a low purr and I chuckle.

They're so.... fucking... Cute!

I start the somewhat tedious process of signing everyone in first.

"OK Tia, Twi, Think of a gamer tag."

"Gamer tag?" Twilight says, perplexed.

"Just a little Nickname or something" I say.

"Hmm..." Twilight says as she rubs her chin.

"I'll get back to you. Tia you got anything?" I ask.

"No... I'm quite tempted to just put my real name." Celestia says.

"Come on don't be lame like Luna."

"We heard that human!"

"Hm. Wait I have the perfect name for you." I said with a smirk.

"What?" Celestia asks.

"Sun butt." I say with a shit eating grin. Celestia stares at me for a moment and eventually shrugs.

"Sure, why not." She muttered.

"Heh... OK... Got anything Twi? I ask" turning back to her.

"How do I even halo?" She says to herself as she frantically swipes at the tablet.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for a tutorial on how to play halo." She says. I watch her with a deadpan look for a few more moments before slowly shaking my head.

"You're such an egghead Twi..." I muttered, making her sigh.

"Rainbow used to call me that all the time." She said in an annoyed tone.

"Perfect! That's your tag!"

"Wait, no!"

...

After the set up, we loaded into a quick, free for all match on halo 3.

"Everyone ready?" I Ask, as I crack my knuckles.

"I'm not familiar with this game." Celestia said.

"It's not that different from call of duty. You'll be fine." I mutter.

"Prepare to taste-"

"Luna, stuff it…"

"Oh, so that's how you use the melee attack..." Twilight muttered out loud as she kept looking from the tablet to the controller. The match finally started and we all started to move around. Barely even 10 seconds passed before Tia opened her mouth.

"Where is my sniper rifle?" She asked.

"Weapons spawn on the map and you have to find them. You can't just choose whatever you like" I explained.

"How tedious..." Celestia says with disappointment.

"That's halo for ya." I say with a chuckle. In the game I turned the corner and encountered Luna.

"There thou art!" She announces as she starts firing at me. Unfortunately, I was a bit sluggish, so all I could do was throw a grenade before she killed me.

-Luna killed DJ flak-

-First strike!-

"Ha ha! We hath vanquished thou..." She started to say until the grenade I tossed attached itself to her face.

-DJ flak killed Luna-

Luna sat completely still and stared at the screen. Her mane started to flow a bit faster than usual and her eye twitched ever so slightly.

"If you break that controller, you're banned from the Xbox." I warn. Luna says nothing and goes back to playing. Nothing much happens for a couple seconds until I hear a faint giggle come from Celestia.

'Watch your head Mate-'

-Sunbutt killed DJ Flak-

-Sunbutt killed Luna-

-Sunbutt killed Egghead-

We all practically drop our controllers as we slowly turn to the smug alicorn princess.

"I found the sniper rifle." She announced. I Sighed in annoyance and tapped Cadence.

"Hit me again Cadence" I say. Cadence giggles and pours another shot for me.

So...that's how this match is going to go huh?

'Come on man; have a little bit of faith...'

...

Celestia proceeded to ROFL stomp us into the ground, until her sniper rifle ran out of ammo. After that I kept her strictly under control by taking the shotgun and keeping the area where the sniper rifle spawns on lock down.

"Did you have fun on your pedestal Tia?" I asked.

"Are you having fun on yours?" She shot back in an annoyed tone.

"Oh, you're salty Tia?" I tease.

"No, I am not 'salty'" she claims.

"Uh huh. Sure, you're not." I say as I take her down with a shotgun again. She growls then turns to Luna.

"Sister, I would like to propose a temporary truce." She said.

"A truce?" Luna's says, looking at Celestia.

"Yes. Derrick is preventing me from acquiring the sniper rifle. And because he has control of the sniper rifle I noticed that he's been using it to keep you from acquiring the rocket launcher. Celestia said.

"So if we assist thee... "

"You get the rocket launcher."

"Very well. We accept thine truce." Luna said with a firm nod.

"Oh Heeeeeell no! Are you seriously going to double team me?" I say as I look at both of them and frown.

"Absolutely." Celestia said with a smirk.

"Oh you dirty motherfu-" I started to say. I was interrupted by a grenade going off next to me which took half of my shield. I jumped to the side to avoid the second frag then both of them hopped out cover. Luna was carrying duel SMG's while Celestia had a battle rifle. I got caught up in their fire, allowing them to make short work of my remaining shields before I could get to cover. Now I was pinned down and they were closing in. I tossed a frag to soften them up and make them backpedal, Celestia takes most of the damage.

Right as I was wondering where the hell Twilight was I heard the telltale sound of a spartan laser charging, then 5 seconds later the red laser arced out and grazed Celestia's shoulder popping her shields.

"Thank you!" I exclaim as I pop out from cover and rush forward. One shotgun blast was enough to take care of Celestia. Then Luna and I went at each other. I popped her shields with a shotgun blast while she peppers at my shields with the SMG. Unfortunately, she punched me to death before I could finish her off.

"Woooooooow" I groaned with a deadpan expression.

"Ha ha! Sister return to us quickly." Luna said.

"That was complete bullshit! You girls play dirty now?" I say with a frown.

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" Celestia said with a smirk.

"Pfff... Twi!"

"Yes?"

"Where have you been this whole time?" I ask. Because she hasn't been doing much up until now.

"Oh, I just finished the video tutorial." She said, gesturing to the tablet which was face down next to her for once.

"Good. We're on teams now." I said.

"We are?" She said, her head tilted slightly.

"Yep. Only way to beat Sunbutt and Moonbooty." I muttered.

"What did thy call us?!" Luna blurted.

"You heard me." I said with a smirk.

"Well, what do we do now?" Twi asked.

"We take the sniper mound back." I said. Twilight nodded and started targeting Luna again.

"Sister hurry!" Luna said as she frantically dodged Twilight's attacks.

"I'm on my way!" Celestia informed. Meanwhile, I decided to pick Twilight up in a vehicle. I quickly searched for the nearest Warthog then drove over to her location. I was pleasantly surprised when Twilight manned the turret without me saying anything. She started firing at Celestia and Luna's elevated position while I started to circle the place.

"Finally! Why did thou take so long?" Luna asked with irritation.

"You should be more patient sister, slow and steady wins the race." Celestia said.

"But they hath us pinned down!" Luna complained.

"Hush. I brought presents." Celestia said. A few moments later they both started to laugh like every movie villain ever.

"What's so funny?" I regrettably ask. What I heard next answered my question.

"Is that a rocket?" Twilight asks with wide eyes.

"Yep, and it’s heading right for us!" I said as I made a sharp turn in an attempt to avoid it. The rocket missed us and hit the ground half a foot next to us, heavily damaging us and sending us flipping. Thankfully, the halo physics gods were on our side this time because we stopped upright.

"That was close!" Twilight said.

"Yeah, but it’s not over.." I replied as I went to circle back toward them. When we got a bit closer the second rocket came at us. I knew we weren't fast enough to escape this one.

"Bail!" I snapped. Twilight and I exited the vehicle just in time for the rocket to slam into the side of it and destroy it. It flipped into the air a few feet, then slammed into the ground, a burning husk. Twilight and I didn't have time to recover because Luna started opening fire with a machine gun turret that Celestia dragged over. With no other cover we were forced to hide behind our vehicle wreck.

"This is very bad!" Twilight said with worry.

"Oh well no shit sherlock!" I snapped back.

"Come out from thine hiding spot little nooblets!" Luna taunted as she laughed like a witch while keeping us pinned down.

"Alright, listen this vehicle is going to despawn soon, so we need to move."

"But the moment we leave, she will cut us down!" Twilight pointed out.

"We have to think of something fast! What weapons do you have left?" I asked.

"A spartan laser and assault rifle. But the spartan laser is out of ammunition" Twilight said.

"Doesn't matter. Sun butt wouldn't give you 5 seconds to charge it anyways." I comment.

"Good point."

"Shit, all I have is an SMG and a magnum."

"Then what do we do?" Twilight asked. I thought for a few moments, then I remembered something about the spot Celestia and Luna were hiding in. A smile slowly crept its way onto my face.

"Ok, I have a plan." I said as I switched to my magnum.

"And that plan is?"

"Just Run and shoot" I ordered. A second later the wrecked warthog disappeared, exposing us. Twilight and I started running. She ran one way, firing her assault rifle while I ran the other way. You see I know for a fact that Tia has her scope trained on my face already so I have to make this one shot count. I aimed, not for the turret using Luna nor the sniper carrying Sun butt, but for the explosive fusion coils at their feet.

Everything happened in an instant.

I fired my shot and Celestia fired hers, both of our aim were true. A sniper round hit me square in the face right as my bullet struck a fusion coil previously damaged by Twilight, resulting in a chain reaction that blew The sister’s sky high, earning me a double kill from the grave. Celestia and Luna both slowly turned to me.

"Aww man... Did I blow you to hell and scatter your weapons everywhere? My bad." I said casually. I kept my mouth shut after that because I felt the wing she had wrapped around us tense.

"Yes! Rockets acquired!" Twilight said with a happy giggle as she picked up Luna's rocket launcher, which still had 2 rockets left. The sisters slowly turned to each other.

"We do not like this game."

"Me neither," Celestia responded as I looted the sniper rifle off the floor. Twilight and I proceeded to make Celestia and Luna our bitches for the rest of the match. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, Celestia still came out on top. She made sure to rub it in my face.

"How does it feel?"

"How does what feel?"

"To taste victory... Then have it snatched away from you?"

"Pretty damn good" I reply carelessly. Celestia frowns and I chuckle.

"We demand a rematch!" Luna blurted.

"Fine. We will go again. Except this time we'll actually be on teams." I said as I enabled the team option making us red and blue.

"This time we wish for Twilight sparkle to be our partner"

"What I'm not good enough for you, sister?" Celestia said with a hurt look.

"Thou cost us a victory." Luna said as she raised her nose and looked away.

"You're blaming me?!" Celestia said with outrage. I frowned and did something that usually works on Tom. I flicked Celestia's ear, making her yelp and frown at me.

"Hush Tia its just a game." I said.

"Right..." She muttered, rubbing her ear with her hoof.

After the match loaded up I took a deep breath. As I was about to start moving someone smacked me in the back and I fell forward, dead.

-Betrayal-

"What the fuck Tia?!" I shouted

"Oh, my apologies, I thought you were Luna" She said with a snicker.

"Like hell you did! I'm the only other red guy here! And Luna doesn't have a big-ass katana on her back!"

"Salty?" Celestia said with a shit eating grin.

"Grrrrah!" I grumbled loudly.

"Oh, it’s just a game Derrick, don't fret." Celestia said with a straight face. My eye twitches as I process the bullshit.

My god she's a troll...

'Trollestia'

New nickname confirmed.

"Now I still have to get you back for ruining my killing spree" she says as she smacks me down again the moment I respawn.

"Cadence be a dear and hit me again please"

"You had Two already, Shouldn't you slow down?" Cadence asked.

"What are you, a lightweight? I'm going to need a lot more to tolerate the bullshit that's about to transpire within the confines of this bullshit containing match."

"Um... alright... If you say so.." Cadence said as she poured me another.

"Good. Now shake your hips"

"What?"

"Nothin’."

...

After a few more drinks, couple dozen more bullshit matches containing various bullshit rules and numerous bullshit outcomes. The girls and I were all bullshitted out. We got to the point where all of us were yawning and we knew it was time for us all to turn in.

"Well... that was fun" Twilight said with a content sigh.

"It certainly looked fun. Maybe I'll give it a shot too sometime." Cadence said as she stretched her wings.

"Yeah, and if you do I'll give you a shot… in the head." I quip.

"Thou art all formidable opponents as well as honorable comrades. However, we must remind thee that we wiped the floor with thou." Luna claimed.

"My collection of headshot medals says hello." Celestia said with a cough.

"Hahaha she roasted your ass." I said with drunken laughter.

"Very well...thou shall truly taste defeat next time." She said with another yawn. "We art going to bed. Goodnight every pony." she said, walking away toward her room.

"Me too. Goodnight every pony." Twilight said as she started walking up the stairs.

"Goodnight." Cadence said as she got up off of me. I leaned forward slowly and reached for the unfinished liquor bottle. Before I could grab it, I saw the thing float away toward the kitchen, much to my dismay.

"Ah, ah, ah! No more of that for you. Wouldn't want you waking up cranky and suffering from a hangover would we?" Cadence said as she shook her head. I glared at her and sat up.

"You're not my mother..." I start to say.

"Tonight I am." Cadence said with a giggle. I sigh and roll my eyes as the drink gets put away.

"Now make sure you get some good sleep little one." Cadence teased as she walked by and nuzzled me.

"Oh hush you Technicolor freak. We're the same age." I respond bitterly.

"Awww, you don't really mean that." Cadence says, giving me a quick peck on the lips, catching me off guard.

"Stop doing that!" I almost shout as she giggles and goes up the stairs, leaving me with a very quiet Celestia, who I've been using as warm and cozy cushion for the past few hours. I slowly turned my head and looked up at her, she was just staring silently down at me.

"Again with the 'I ain't showing any emotion' face?’" I ask bluntly. Celestia's eyes widen slightly.

"Cadence... She kissed you..." Celestia said with a grim tone.

"Yeah, and?"

"Have you two gotten closer?" She asked worriedly.

"What do you mean? You’re closer than she is..." I reply ignorantly.

"I-I don't mean literal proximity… I meant... uhg...never mind " Celestia said, shaking off something.

"Well, I'm sleepy now so; move, please, and thank you." I say with a shooing motion. Celestia sighs and slips from under me allowing me the space to lay down. Not even this drunken haze can block the strain and pain it takes to lay down flat. Celestia watches with a sad expression as I cringe and painfully adjust myself.

"You should get some sleep Tia." I say. I sit there for a few seconds before my bladder slapped me in the face. I stood up with a painful grunt.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"Hafta take a piss." I mumble as I walk over to the stairs. As I attempt to walk up the pain begins to get to almost unbearable levels. I heard Celestia walking up behind me, then a few moments later I felt an odd sensation. I yelped and turn to Celestia who had picked me up with her forelegs.

"What are you doing?" I squeak.

"Helping you." She replied simply. Cradling me like a child Her beautiful angel like wings carried us to the top of the stairs, then down the hallway to the bathroom, she set me down gently on my feet and I stared at her wide eyed.

"Are you alright?" She asked with mother like concern.

"Uh huh... thanks for the er... ride" I say as I slip into the bathroom.

"You are always welcome." She replies through the door.

Their super strength is really weird! She just picked a grown man up like a feather! I should probably remember important shit like this when I'm taunting her and being a dick in general. I finished my piss and came out of the bathroom to see Celestia waiting for me. She had that goddamn mask again so I couldn't tell what she was thinking. I just smiled and gave her back a light Pat.

"Night Tia." I say with a wave as I walk toward the stairs. She just sat there quietly gazing at me with those pretty magenta eyes of hers that seemed to shimmer in the darkness. I slowly and carefully grab the stair rail and look down at the bottom.

I swear if the writer makes me fall down these stairs one more godda-

"Derrick?" Celestia called out.

"Yeah?" I respond, turning back to face her.

"I think you should sleep in your bed tonight." She said as she came over to me.

"No, I’ll be fine Tia. Go to sleep" I say. She frowns and I turn to walk down the stairs. Before I even make the first step I found myself surround in that familiar Golden light. Oh, what is it this time?

"Please Derrick. Sleeping on that couch will only make your back worse." She said, floating me over and setting me down in front of her.

"I'll be fine." I say with a serious tone.

"I don't like to see you in pain. So you have two options." She says with authority. I fold my arms and scoff.

"Option 1, you let me heal you."

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Uh...reasons..."

"What reasons exactly?"

"It's um...G14 classified." I say, avoiding her hard stare.

"Do you not trust me?"

"I do it’s just… Personal, ok?" I say nervously. Celestia sighs and brings her hoof to her face.

"Very well, option two it is." She says.

"And that is?"

"You're sleeping in your bed tonight." she states.

"Yeaaaaah no. As much as I miss my bed, making a Princess sleep on the couch is unacceptable." I say. I start to walk away, but I didn't get very far, because fuck you, I'm an alicorn.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. I cannot sleep well knowing you are suffering on the couch." She says in a motherly tone.

"Well… I can't sleep knowing that royalty is sleeping on a couch while I sleep in my cozy bed" I shot back. Celestia sighs and we sit there in silence for a few moments.

"Well… there is another option." She says, rubbing her chin in thought. I raise my brow in suspicion as she looks at me with inviting eyes. It took me a few seconds to process that.

"Oh, no, no, no! I am NOT that drunk." I say, taking a step back from her.

"It's for your own good Derrick."

"Uh… I'll be better without that.."

"Have you forgotten you've been laying on me this entire time?" She asked with a deadpan expression.

"N...no...it's different." I say, tapping my fingers together.

"Different how? Is it because of the...activities...that can happen in the bedroom?"

"Yeah..." I say, my heart rate shooting up.

"Well… I assure you No such activities will take place..." She started to say before a sly smirk crossed her muzzle.

She's so sexy when she does that...

'Were we agreeing again? I'm starting to worry!'

"Unless of course you're volunteering..." She says with bedroom eyes. My cheeks heat up and I avoid her intoxicating gaze in fear of being hypnotized.

"Of course not." I say with a gulp. She giggles and wraps a wing around me.

"I'm just kidding Derrick. You should see the faces you make." She teases.

"God damn magical horse..." I muttered, making her snicker.

"Let's go lay down. I'm sure neither of us want to sleep on the couch tonight." Celestia says.

Wait! I didn't agree to this!

'Yes, you did.'

When!?

'The moment you started walking'

I truly am a fucking moron.

'You're also a drunk one'

By the time I realized what I was doing We'd already walked in and closed the door. Celestia walked over and hopped onto the bed she let out a satisfied yawn, stretching in every direction Possible. When she was done, she relaxed and spread her wings, then looked at me with those hypnotic eyes.

"What are you waiting for friend?" She asked with a smile as she gently Pat a spot on the bed next to her.

Don't fucking do it!

'But the booty-'

Is off fucking limits!

I hesitate for a bit before slowly getting onto the bed. I laid down and made sure I was as far away from her as possible. Unfortunately, she is a large pony so that didn't leave much empty space.

"So you plan to stay on the edge?" Celestia asks knowingly.

"Yeah, pretty much" I said honestly.

"Hmm, I see... Well, when you swallow your pride and want to cuddle, feel free to scoot over." She says before turning over. And facing her back toward me.

"Goodnight!" I bark, making her giggle.

"Goodnight Derrick." She says kindly. After that we both fall silent and I take a deep breath. First, I would like to say I am SOOO glad I did this because that couch would have ruined my back forever. Second... Why is Celestia....so...hm...what's the word...

Majestic?

'Because she's a goddess?'

Right... kinda forgot.

Anyway, I was about to let sleepy embrace me when my phone suddenly started ringing. Celestia's ears twitched and she slowly turned to me. I just lazily fished my phone out of my pocket and sat up. I answered my phone without looking at the number and took a deep breath.

"Talk." I say flaty.

"Hey, what's up DJ." The voice on the other end of the line. My eyes widened as the voice registered in my head.

"Austin?" I said, sitting up slightly.

"Yep, what's going on?" He asks. Before I can reply Celestia moves over to me.

"What are you doing?" She asks loudly.

"Hey, hush!" I say as I cover her mouth, muffling the rest of her words.

"Um....who was that?" Austin asks.

"Nobody." I reply without thought.

"Uh huh. Certainly sounded like nobody." Austin says, his sarcasm dripping through the speaker.

"Nobody." I say again as I give Tia a stern look and a quiet shush.

"Who are you hushing DJ?"

"Nobody!" I repeat.

"You know... You were always a terrible liar."

"I swear dude" I try to say convincingly.

"You did that a lot too." Austin quips.

"Look its a long story man..." I say with a sigh as I use my freehand to pinch my nose.

"Lucky for you I don't have time. I have to keep this call short." He informs.

"Alright, shoot."

"Well, next week I'm going to be on paid leave for two weeks, I have to wait for my plane to fly out Thursday. Was planning on coming up there. I need a ride from the airport as usual." He says. My heart rate starts to pick up as he talks.

"OK... um sure... I gotcha dude." I say nervously.

"Great! I'll be there next Thursday at Twenty hundred hours." He says.

"Speak English man..." I muttered as I rub my forehead.

"My bad, force of habit. It's not hard to convert dude."

"I'm too lazy to think man.." I say.

"Twenty hundred hours is 8 o clock" Tia whispers. I frown and flick her nose making her pout quietly.

"Well, for you civilians that would be 8 o clock." Austin says.

"Yeah, I gotcha Captain..."

"You mean lieutenant."

"Whatever."

"Hey… there is a HUGE difference- and branch... Anyways, I need you to repeat what I'm asking for out loud."

"What? Why?"

"Maybe it will actually penetrate your thick skull this time."

"Oh...you're salty about last time still?"

"You had me waiting for 8 hours DJ… Why the hell wouldn’t I be still mad!"

"Dude, I forgot!"

"Sure you did..."

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes its completely necessary..."

"Ok, fine." I say in annoyance as I clear my throat.

"Say the words." Austin says. I can practically see him on the other end getting closer to listen.

"I will pick you up from the airport next Thursday at 8:00." I say like an automaton.

"Sharp." He adds.

"Hey man I'm never late to stuff."

"Unless you're going to get me, then you take you're goddamn time."

"Heh sorry dude." I say.

"If I walk out and don't see you there after 5 minutes, you owe me lunch" he states.

"Well... I kinda owe you lunch anyways. For serving and shit" I remind.

"Right. I already called Zeb. He's off on a business trip again." Austin informs.

"He's gone so much that I always forget the guy even lives up the block" I say with a chuckle.

"Yep, so I'll have the place to myself for a bit"

"Not that that matters anyway. You'll probably just be at my place anyways" I point out.

"Yeah… maybe. Sounded like you already have company in attendance bud..." He taunts.

"I told you it was nobody!" I regrettably blurt.

"Lie again." Austin dares.

"Long story...."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's quite the fairy tale" he says sarcastically.

"Yep, with magical talking pony princesses and everything" I muttered.

"Er....OK. Can't wait to hear it. But I have to go for now."

"Alright see ya dude."

"Peace, I'll be in touch."

And with that he hung up the phone. I plugged it up and laid it on my dresser next to me. I laid on my back and turned my head to face Tia.

"What were you doing just now?" Celestia asks as she stares at me curiously.

"I was using my cell phone."

"Cellphone?"

"It's a human communication device that lets you talk to people long distances"

"Really? How?" She asks adopting a face that reminds me too much of Twilight.

"I'll explain that another time." I muttered, making her ears droop in disappointment.

"So this Austin guy, is he family?" She asks.

"Oh no, he's an old friend of mine. He kinda feels like family now." I say, thinking of all the time we've spent together.

"And he's coming here?" She asks.

"Kind of...he'll be a block away, but he usually... Hangs around… here...." I say trailing off.

...

...

...

"SHIT!"

"What's wrong? You don't look to Happy about your friend visiting" she says.

"Of course I'm happy! We don't get to hang much because of his soldier stuff, but if he finds out about you guys we're fucked!" I say frantically. Tia wraps a hoof and a wing around me.

"Shh...it's alright Derrick." She says in her smooth motherly tone.

"N... no its not... He's going to find out.." I choke.

"Maybe he will, maybe he won't, it doesn't matter, because right now you should be focused on relaxing my adorable friend." She says as she rubs her hoof across my face.

"I guess you're right, Tia."

"I know I am."

"He did say next week not this week, so I still have a few days to sort things out"

"Yes, you do." she says as she layes her head down on my chest, cushioning it with her mane.

"Alright then...good night" I say, closing my eyes

"Good night again my dear friend." She says warmly. We sat there for a few seconds until my eyes shot open.

"Scoot over!" I shout.

"I'm not moving Derrick." Celestia says without opening her eyes.

"Get off!"

"No Derrick, accept my cuddles!" She says playfully as she pulls me closer.

"Never!" I claim. I was about to pinch her ear or do something equally painful when I suddenly felt insanely relaxed. She's so soft fluffy and warm...and...

I could get used to this!

'Amen to that'

"Alright, you win you adorable mother fucker" I say in defeat as I start scratching her ear. She purrs happily making me smile.

"Well, your elaborate plan to get me in bed with you worked" I quip. Celestia laughs nervously.

"What are you implying? I'm simply looking out for your well being." She claims.

"Uh huh...and that includes touching my ass?" I say blankly.

"Oh... I didn't mean to put my hoof there."

"Sure you didn't Tia."

"Well, I was just following your example."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"Derrick....Where is your hand right now ?"

"..."

"I thought so"

"Well... I honestly don't plan to remove it"

"I don't either"

"Heh. I like you Tia, you're pretty funny"

"I try"

"That sound you're making is cute as hell too"

"You're cute as hell"

"Woah there, you've been hanging around me too much"

"Well...I don't think we've done it nearly enough"

"That can be arranged..."

"I like the sound of that..."

"I'm still going to kick your fat ass for this tomorrow"

"I won't make you breakfast then"

"Fine, fine. You win"

"I always do."

"Unless its halo."

"Don't even start..."

"Just hush SunButt and enjoy the moment"

"Oh trust me, I am"

We sat silently, the only sound was her quiet purring. I scratched behind her ear until i felt the cold embrace of sleep.

Author's Note

Notes: hey! Sorry, this one took a while! I was distracted and lazy. Anyways, I'm going to start bringing in some of DJ's friends, so be ready for that. This Austin character actually belongs to my editor tho.

Chapter 9: About a week ago

Chapter 9: About a week ago

I woke up to the gentle sound of Celestia's sweet voice.

"Wake up my friend." She said softly, lightly tapping me. I slowly open my eyes until i saw her, as radiant as ever.

"Morning Tia." I say with a yawn, pushing myself up.

"Good morning!" She says warmly, nuzzling my cheek with a smile. I can't help but smile back at her, because this is the best possible wake up scenario I've been in so far out of these past few weeks. Throughout this week alone the others were usually the ones to wake me up. Of which I can't decide which of them was the worst.

Luna would always wake me up abruptly by Yelling, shaking me violently, or dumping cold water on me. Cadence would always wake me up with a passionate kiss, which wouldn't be that bad if she wasn't a pink pony princess. And Twilight tends to opt out of waking me up, instead she uses the opportunity to study up on some human anatomy. Thankfully, I wake up before the boxers come off unless I've been waking up after she puts them back on… Then again... I could have sworn I saw her holding a ruler one time.

"Breakfast is downstairs when you're ready" Celestia says as she turns and starts to walk back to my room door.

"OK, I'll be down in a ...min...ute…." I stutter as the very plump and twin jiggling suns catch my attention. I watch them them bounce and jiggle until I notice they abruptly stop.

"Oh, and Deeerick..." She calls in a chipper tone.

"Yes... Tia...." I mumble eyes still staring.

"My eyes are up here..." She says. I look back up to her face and she has that trademark sexy smirk of hers.

"Oh...sorry..." I say as I rub my forehead. Celestia just giggles and exits the room, leaving me sitting there with warm cheeks.

'You could have at least put some effort to PRETEND you weren't looking...'

But I think she likes it...

'Perv'

Oh, shut up...

I get up with a groan and go into my bathroom to freshen up really quick. I wonder what she made today? I hope it's those pancakes she made yesterday, because those were really delicious! I finish brushing my teeth and start to wash my face. I look at myself in the mirror to decide if it's time to shave; a quick inspection, I have to say I hate the lumberjack look that I'm rocking right now.

Pulling out my freakishly expensive razor; I dumped a fair amount of cash into getting a long lasting razor that has yet to cut me- so far it’s continued to make my face silky smooth, much to Tia’s pleasure... I decided to shower later and leave my room to go down the stairs. To my surprise Tom decided not to be a dick today, because he wasn't in his usual tripping spot.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I can see Twilight sitting on the couch with Tom. I also notice that her notepad That she's always scribbling in was laying right next to her. I slowly tiptoe over behind her in hopes of snagging it. But before I could snag it or even take a peek, Twilight's tail curled out and snatched it out of sight.

"Good morning DJ." She said with an evil smirk.

"Dammit! Do you have eyes in the back of your head?"

"Hehe, of course not. You've been after it all week." She said with a giggle.

"What's on it anyway?"

"That's a secret!"

"If you want my curiosity to stop… THEN STOP ADVERTISING IT AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT." I frown as I walk towards the kitchen. I stop when I remember something, I backpedal towards Twilight.

"Hey Twi." I say to get her attention.

"Yes?" She says, cocking her head.

"Gimme my pussy." I say with a malicious grin.

"....WHAT?" Twilight exclaims loudly. I then proceed to snatch Tom out of her hoofs.

"My pussy..." I say as I stroke Tom's fur and walk away. Twilight gives be this look that tells me just how immature she thinks I am. I justify her opinion by sticking my tongue out at her and walking toward the kitchen. I started to snicker and Twilight glares at me.

"Real mature!" Twilight shouts from the couch.

"You're just mad because you can't get any pussy." I quip.

"Stop saying that!" She shouts with embarrassment. I snicker and turn back, where Celestia is waiting for me with a raised brow.

"What?" I say with an innocent smirk. She says nothing and simply lifts Tom out of my hands with her magic and into her hoofs. Before I can protest, she replaces him with a delicious plate of warm fluffy pancakes. The aroma makes my mouth water the moment it graced my nasal cavity.

"Well, um... I'd say that's a pretty fair trade!" I admit with a nod. Celestia smiles and runs her hoof over Tom's head, making him purr with delight. "Thanks Tia, you're the best." I say with a smile.

"You're very welcome." she says, coming close to me. Instead of nuzzling me like she usually does, she instead closes her eyes and plants a firm kiss on my cheek. I stood there a bit stunned, not expecting that from her. When she pulled back, she winked at me, sending chills down my spine, the good kind of chills mind you. I turned and walked out of the kitchen, a silly grin adorning my face. I sat down on the living room couch to eat, because who eats in a kitchen anyway? I scoot a bit closer to Twilight, who takes a quick glance before returning to the TV.

"Whatcha’ watching Twi?" I ask casually.

"Oh, just A show about an adult male who's stuck as a fry cook who appears to have autism, along with his sarcastic emotionless neighbor, and his best friend who definitely has autism."

"..."

"What?"

"That's Spongebob Twi..."

"Oh..."

"Yeah..."

"Well, I never knew autism was so entertaining...." She said with a giggle.

"Heh... Yeah..." I say awkwardly as I start to dig into my pancakes. Heh, I'm probably going to hell for that... When I take my first bite I sink into the couch with a satisfied moan. I look over to the kitchen and see Celestia looking at me with that sexy confident smirk of hers.

"Holy shit... marry me!" I say as I take another explosive bite. She blushes slightly and giggles, returning to whatever she was doing. I chuckle a bit and turn back to my food. She would make a pretty awesome wife... She's kind, confident, fun to be around, absolutely Gorgeous... and… of course that BOOTY.

...

Uh... I mean... She's a good friend.

'Lying again are we?'

Dammit!

I continue to eat with a neutral expression, banishing those weird thoughts to the nether realms of my mind. I hear a lazy groan as I see Luna's door slowly swing open. She comes out looking like she went to sleep only an hour ago. I suspect that she sneaks out to play more Xbox when we're all sleeping.

"Heh, good morning Smurfette." I say with a smirk. Luna plops down next to me Yawning, then glares daggers at me with her tired eyes.

"Go fornicate thine rectum with a spiky rubber phallus." Luna grumbles. I cringe and laugh nervously.

"Aw... you still mad about that match?" I tease.

"Nay, we just dislike thou..." Luna says with sarcasm I didn't know existed.

"Sure you don't Lulu." I say with a chuckle as I tickle behind her ear. She closes her eyes and smiles, enjoying it for a few moments until she eventually moves her head away and frowns.

"Stop petting us..." Luna commands.

"Oh, hush. You know you love it." I tease.

"We do not love it, we advise, thou to cease, or else we will shove our hoof up then-"

"Heeeey! Play nice!" Celestia interrupts from the kitchen. Luna snorts and folds her hoofs in front of her.

"Well, I can't blame you for being a bit salty Luna. I've never pulled such a dirty noscope in my entire life." I admit with a smirk.

"We art never playing with thou again." Luna claims.

"Uh huh... you say that every time I beat you." I say with a roll of my eyes. "Derrick will thou play 'Insert game' with us?" I mock her voice. Luna says nothing and lightly smacks my nose with her wing, Making me sneeze. I frown and start to reach for her wing, but I stop when she gives me this glare that tells me she's going to rip off my eggroll and shove it down my throat if I touch her. So instead I smile nervously and clap my hands together.

"Yeah... I'll just...um...get you your coffee" I say, as I pick up my empty plate and avoid her gaze, walking swiftly into the kitchen. Before I could do anything my plate gets lifted out of my hands magically. "Thanks Tia." I say as I start up my coffee machine.

"You're welcome." She says with her warm smile.

I hear the clinking and clanking of dishes and raise my brow.

Hold up a second... Is she...

I walk over to Celestia who was surprisingly hand washing... Er...hoof... No wait magic. Yes! Magically scrubbing the dishes. I come next to her curiously and watch for a moment.

"What are you doing?" I ask somewhat rhetorically.

"Washing the dishes?" She answers, giving me a puzzled look.

"Why?" I simply ask.

"Why? What do you mean, why?" Celestia says with a flat brow.

"And all this time I thought you were using the dishwasher." I say with a light chuckle. Celestia's eyes widen and she slowly stops her scrubbing motion.

"Dish... washer?" Celestia says with a flat tone, her eye twitching ever so slightly.

"Yeah, I assumed you were using it already..." I say with a blink.

"No… I wasn't aware of its existence." She says flatly. We stare at each other silently for a few moments, as I slowly open the dishwasher rack.

"So... do you want me to show you how to-"

"Please do." She says as she scoots next to me and looks at it curiously.

"Oh- hold on a second, Luna's coffee." I say as I quickly rinse off a mug and place it under the machine. Like an automaton, I quickly prepare the coffee up to Luna's previously established specs, making sure to balance out the right amount of sugar, creamer and a milk well you know how it goes. I get a small saucer, then slowly carry the cup over to Luna.

"We thank thou." She says as she takes it with a smile.

"That should get your gears going." I say as I walk back to the kitchen. Celestia waits for me with an eager smile. "Alright my tall adorable marshmallow, time for a lesson in convenient human things." I say with a smirk as I casually wrap an arm around her neck and bring her close to me so I can feel her familiar warmth.

"Will it be difficult?" Celestia asks in a distracted tone, as she wraps a wing around me.

"Of course not, silly. That would defeat the whole “convenience” thing." I say as I turn and grin, she returns my grin and we look into each others eyes for a few moments. We slowly inch closer until she blinks and turns to the dish washer.

"Shall we begin?" She asks.

"Oh… uh, right. It’s pretty simple..."

...

After showing marshmallow how to use the Dishwasher, I went upstairs to try and get some work done. I walk into what I consider my man cave (Yea, yea, yea, judge as you will…), where I keep my rig and most of my games/electronics. With Tom wrapped around my shoulder I close the door and walk over to my office chair. I plop down in it with a heavy sigh and lay Tom in my lap. I hit the power button on my PC and idly stroke Tom's fur as the window’s logo quickly flashes to life and transfers to the desktop background.

I've been trying to finish this presentation all week, but the same thing keeps happening. My muscles tense slightly as I hear Cadence's door open. I hear the telltale sound of hoofs coming down the hallway, cringing slightly it stops and avoids me (thank god) I hear whomever go down the stairs, I breath a sigh of relief.

Good… maybe I'll actually get some work done today...

...

I'm not quite sure how much time has passed because I haven't bothered to look, but I managed to put something together that the suits might like, and at this rate I'll be finished in no time! A smile crosses my face as another idea pops into my head.

A firm knock on my door pulls me out of my work mode and makes me jump.

You know... Its amazing how fast a smile can fade.

"I'm busy..." I muttered in an annoyed tone.

"Can I come in?" I hear none other than Cadence ask.

"I'm working Cadence..." I say with a sigh, knowing no matter what I say, she'll just come teleporting her way in here anyways.

5...

4...

3...

2...

1-

A loud zapping noise engulfs the room as Cadence as expected entered when I said no…

I DID tell her no, right?

'Silly DJ, Cadence doesn't know what no means'

"Good morning DJ!" Cadence says with a wide smile.

"Morning to you too… although... Its actually afternoon now. " I point out with a stoic expression. Cadence smiles nervously and rubs the back of her neck.

"Oh, right... I forgot." She claims.

"Just like you forgot that I told you specifically to NOT bother me when I'm working?" I say calmly.

"You said that?" She says with an innocent look.

"Yes… In fact, I think I said it several times..." I point out, my face still devoid of emotion.

"Sorry?" She says. Cringing slightly. I sigh and make sure to hit save on my work, so I don't lose anything, then I sit back slightly.

"Heh, its alright sherbet." I drop the stoic look with a shrug smile. She comes next to me and I reach my hand out and pet her head. She closes her eyes and smiles, producing that familiar purring sound that I've come to love. Man, these ponies are so cute!

"Why do you keep calling me that?" She asks, opening one eye.

"Because I can and its cute?" I say with a smirk. Cadence opens her eyes fully and gives me a stoic look.

"What? I could also call you strawberry, since you smell like you bathed in a tub full of them." I say with a smile, as I inhale through my nose and take in her intoxicating aroma.

"I'd rather you don't..." Cadence says as she comes in front of me.

"Why not? I fuckin’ love strawberries..." I say, as I scratch behind her ear.

"Oh... Well, in that case..." Cadence says, her mood turning on a swivel. I chuckle and turn back to my PC. She starts to give me that adorable puppy look and I raise my brow.

"What is it?" I ask cautiously.

"Can I sit?" She asks timidly.

"Seats taken..." I start to say before I realize Tom is jumping onto the windowsill across the room. Dammit! He was the only thing keeping her from-

"Well, I suppose it's no longer occupied.." Cadence starts to say.

"Now hang on a second there cad-..." I try to say, but there was honestly nothing I could do to stop her from sitting her plump thick... jiggly... Ass in my lap at this point. I just sigh and lean back a bit as she lays her head back and looks up at me.

"Thanks, Johnny..." Cadence purrs in my ear.

And all I had to say was no...

'Would it have really mattered?'

...

Good point...

"Whatever strawberry." I say as I wrap my arms around her waist. We sit there like that for a bit, so I end up scooting forward and continuing my work.

"Can I have that belly rub you owed me now?" She suddenly asks.

"Cadence… If you like this house I seriously suggest you let me get this presentation done." I start to say.

"Oh, don't give me that DJ… I specifically remember you saying it wasn't due until Sunday and last I checked today is Thursday." Cadence says with a frown, calling me out on my bullshit.

Wait, didn't I have something important to do today?

'Um... Nope. I Don't think so..'

Hm... ok

"That doesn't mean I should put it off until the last second..." I point out.

"Please? You can work later..." She asks, giving me that irresistible cute look. Well, ALMOST irresistible, I've actually built up slight immunity to it now.

"No." I say simply, scooting the chair back over to my PC and start typing again. Cadence looks up at me in shock, I just put on my poker face and continue to work. At the corner of my eye I see a malicious grin slowly form on her face. I take my subconscious advice and immediately hit save on what I'm doing. The advice pays off almost immediately, because I hear the telltale click of my PC's power button, and like a slap in the face, I hear the shutdown sound.

'REKT'

"Cadence..." I mumble in annoyance.

"Please? It will be really quick, I promise." She begs.

"No... I said no." I say with a frown.

"Pretty please?"

"How old are you?" I mumble as I reach out to hit the power button on my PC. Her tail strikes out like a snake and snatches my hand away.

"You promised..." She says with puppy eyes.

"I don't remember promising you." I say flatly

"Don't tell me you forgot about that date you owe me too." Cadence says with narrowed eyes.

What date? I would never-

Like a shotgun blast the memory splashes my brain all at once.

'Yep, you totally said that shit mate'

Why I be so stupid?

"No... I didn't forget..." I say with the sharp blade of guilt wedged squarely in my heart.

"When will we be doing that by the way?" She asks curiously. My mind goes blank as my eyes widen.

I didn't plan our date...like at all.

'Say something!'

Cadence's smile slowly starts to fade into worry as I sit there sweating.

"Um...SATURDAY! Yes, that's when!" I blurt.

"Oh... OK.." Cadence says, slightly creeped out.

"Yep..." I say with a nervous laugh.

"Great! Can I have my belly rub now?"

"Not that I have much choice." I say in defeat as I gently place my hand on her belly. I grasp it lightly, making Cadence's body tense up slightly. She produced a throaty moan as I began to gently caress her belly. I start to blush lightly, because the sounds she's making are honestly kind of hot.

"Can you go a little lower please?" Cadence asks.

"Sure thing." I say as I lower my hand a bit. As I do, her wings start to open slowly. Well, she's certainly enjoying this, huh? Honestly, I'm enjoying it a tad too....just a TAD.

"Lower..." She breathes.

"Cadence I’ve hit the equivalent of the Mexican border..." I say with a flat brow.

"No you haven't..." She says suggestively. I stop for a few moments as my eyes widen.

"NO, absolutely not!" I say, sitting up slightly.

"Please? I really need this..." Cadence says in a sultry tone.

"Too bad. I've gone as far as I can go… Well, at least what I'm comfortable with." I say defiantly.

"Please DJ? It will make this whole experience so much more relaxing." She says as she starts to lead my hand lower with her hoof.

"Yeah... for you." I muttered as I resisted and pulled my hand back up.

"You know you want to..." Cadence teases. My face turns red and my eyes widen.

I do?

'JUST....DO IT!'

"No... I don't..." I say nervously.

'You seriously suck at lying'

"It will be our little secret Derrick, nopony will know." She assures.

"Cadence I....I can't just grope your ti-" i start to say before she hushes me with her hoof.

'Do it or you're gay.'

...

Huh...

Well, fuck.

"Shh....Its OK Derrick." She says as she gently slides my hand back down. My cheeks feel warm as my hand runs over a particularly plump... Um... balloon. Cadence lets out another throaty moan as her muscles tense up. I yelped when I felt her cheeks clamp down on my Sausage.

'This is...new.'

Well, no shit, Sherlock!

We both sat there for a few moments before Cadence turns to me with half lidded eyes.

"You seem to be getting a little excited there..." She coos.

"No...just... A little nervous." I say as I begin to sweat.

"Oh, just a little?" She asks as she presses her cheeks against my crotch.

"Hey...chill out down there..." I say, stifling a moan.

"But you seem to like it..." She teases as she shakes her hips a bit, sending waves of pleasure through my body. My grip on her tightened, making her beautiful wings extend to their full length. We sit like that for a while teasing and playing with each other until Cadence gets a dangerous smirk on her face.

"Uh...what are you thinking? I'm seriously not going further than this." I say firmly.

"Oh, that's fine with me... We've made excellent progress." She says with an excited look.

"Progress...what the hell are you talking about?" I demand as I let go of her completely. She doesn't say anything as she slowly climbs off of me.

"You know... I've been working on an interesting spell." She says with a malicious grin.

'Bail...'

"Uh, good to know... But what are you doing?" I ask with alarm, as I scoot my rolling chair back a bit. Cadence's body starts to glow and I tense up, unsure of what's going to happen next. When the light faded my pupils turned to pinpricks.

So... It appears Tia told Cadence how to use that anthro spell...

Thankfully She didn't forget her clothing… yet.

'Don't....bail...'

She looked at me with a confident smirk that thrilled me to no end.

"Oh... uh... neat... Heh." I say as I scratch the back of my neck nervously. Cadence just giggles and slowly stumbles over to me. I see she's about to trip and I quickly get up to catch her.

"You didn't get the walking down did you?" I ask with a chuckle.

"No, Not quite..." Cadence admits sheepishly. I smile and help her onto her feet...er...hoofs.

"So...any reason why you used this spell?" I ask as I sit back in my chair and scoot back again.

"Oh, nothing... Just thought I'd experiment a little bit." Cadence says as she stretches her arms High into the air.

"What kind of experiment would that be?" I ask curiously. When Cadence almost throws her arms down, two large and squishy shapes catch my eye. Cadence walks over to me and sits in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck slowly and staring intensely into my eyes. I started to feel a bit light headed as I could no longer focus on anything. My mind was pretty much pure mush right now. Only one line of thought is looping in the entirety of my brain.

TITS!

"So... What do you think of my spell?" Cadence asks as she pressed her balloons against my face, warming my cheeks to the melting point.

"Tits..." I whisper.

"Hm? I didn't quite catch that..." Cadence says with her malicious smirk. At this point my speech fails me and I just sit there with a dumb oblivious smile. To make matters worse, she was putting her hips to work on my crotch again.

"Cadence..." I breathe, completely out of it.

"Oh my... It looks like your nose is bleeding... all over my shirt" Cadence says in a suggestive tone. "I guess I better take it off..." She says, biting her lip and looking at me with hungry eyes.

'Uh... you can bail now...'

Before anymore lines could be crossed, I heard the sound of the door opening.

"Derrick I meant to tell you-" Celestia started to say before freezing at the door. Her smile slowly fades into obscurity, replaced by her Royal poker face as she stares at us her wings slightly erect. Cadence's ears perked up and she immediately turned back to her pony form. She looked back at Celestia with a deer caught in the headlights expression. After what seemed like an eternity, Cadence just teleported away somewhere.

I sat there with that dumb grin on my face before suddenly shaking my head and coming to my senses a few seconds later. I clutch my nose and groan.

"Goddammit..." I say as I look down at my stained clothes. Stained with blood, sweat and there's also an uncomfortably sticky sensation in my boxers. Speaking of sticky… Wait a second… I think putting two and two together with whatever processing power is left in my head for a moment creating an awkward silence.
Oh heellll nooo...she did no- she did... She dripped all over me. Eww. No other words needed… Just Ew. I shiver slightly pushing the thought out my mind.

"I hope I wasn't... interrupting... Anything important." Celestia asks with a flat tone.

"No, not really. For once I'm actually glad you interrupted." I say as I push myself out of my chair only for my knees to give out immediately. Thankfully Celestia was there to stop me from breaking my nose.

"Thanks Tia." I say as she helps me up.

"Mind telling me what I just witnessed?" Celestia asks, looking down on me with judgmental eyes.

"Well, in Cadence's words, that was an “experiment”." I mock air quote her words and slowly straighten my posture. Celestia lets me go and blinks.

"Ah, so it was for science? How classic." she says in a dry and bitter tone.

'Oh she maaaad'

"I didn't really enjoy that experiment." I say.

"Mhmmm… I'll just pretend not to notice that you're at full mast..." Celestia says dryly. I blink in surprise and look down.

... Fucking god damn it all…

‘You’d like that, wouldn’t you…’

OH WHO ASKED YOU?!

"Fuck." Is all I say as I scramble to adjust my shirt and shorts to hide it. While I'm doing that I notice that my fly was undone.

'Uh... I don't remember that happening...'

Cadence was playing me like a fucking... easily played... playing thing... uh Toy? Trumpet? Ugh....Fuck all.

"You should Probably take a good shower." Celestia suggests with narrowed eyes.

"Duly noted. Anyway, what were you going to say when you walked in?" I ask, changing the subject as I grab a nearby box of tissues and start cleaning my face.

"Ah yes... I meant to remind you of something earlier." She starts, as her mood seems to improve slightly.

"Yeah?" I say, disposing of the blood soaked tissues. Heh, never knew I could bleed so much.

"Weren't you supposed to do something important today?" She asks with a raised brow.

"Um..." I say as I reach into the depths of my mind to remember.

...

...

...

"OH SHIT!" I suddenly bark as I start walking out of the room. Celestia follows closely behind as I exit and walk into my room.

"If I recall correctly, you had to pick up a friend today." She says.

"Yes, you are recalling correctly. Fuck me, I completely forgot." I say as I start to fish out a change of clothes.

'I TOLD YOU'

Bitch no you didn't, don't lie!

"Well its 7:00, you have an hour." Celestia informs.

"I can make it." I say confidently as I toss my shirt off. Celestia looks at me with a perplexed expression, as it lands on her horn and spins around in a comical fashion.

"Heh, my bad Tia." I say as I walk back and remove the shirt.

"It’s alright..." She says in a distracted tone as she stares at me with rosy cheeks and twitchy wings.

"Thanks for reminding me Tia, but I need a favor." I say as I give her head a quick Pat.

"What is it?" She asks, humming gently as I scratch behind her ear.

"I need you to show the others that spell and tell them what's going on while I'm in the shower." I ask.

"Cadence knows it already." She points out.

"Oh, right. Then you can come with me while she shows the others." I say. Celestia lights up a little when I did.

"I would love to! But may I ask why?" She says, tilting her head slightly.

"Well, you're the least likely to say something weird in front of Austin." I say with a shrug causing Celestia to giggle. I shake my head and charge into the bathroom. The theme of this shower is; GOTTA GO FAST!

'ROLLING AT THE SPEED OF SOUN-'

No... just...no...

...

Around 5 minutes Later, I come charging down the stairs like an elephant. I see Cadence instructing Twilight and Luna on the disguise spell. I already gave up on understanding magic, so the alien terms she's using pass right over my head.

"I trust it's going well?" I ask sheepishly as I walk up next to them.

"Yes, Cadence was just showing us the metaphysical bond and neuromonic reality mirror, bending transfiguration portion of the spell required to perform the illusion." Twilight says excitedly.

"Uh... that's great Twi. Keep at it." I say sheepishly, searching the living room for my Keys.

"Thine friend... Tell us more about him." Luna asked curiously.

"I don't really have time for that, but he's a Marine coming home after being in a desert for 11 months, if I recall correctly." I say as I snatch my Keys off the kitchen table.

"Marine?" Luna says with a puzzled expression.

"It’s one of the three main branches of the military here." Twilight says for me.

"A soldier? We can not wait to meet him!" Luna says, tapping her hooves together excitedly. I shrug and look in the kitchen for Tia. I'm not surprised to find her devouring a cake I made earlier in the week.

"Tia, get in the car, you can inhale the cake later." I muttered.

"But..." She starts to say.

"Move it Sunbutt!" I say with a flat brow. She sighs, then starts walking off to the car. I unlock it with the key then quickly walk over to Luna.

"Hey, there's one more thing."

"Yes?" Luna asks with a cocked brow.

"Listen I don't have a problem with the way you talk buuut you might want to drop the old English." I say as I fold my arm back and scratch my neck.

"But we hath always speakith this way...tis tradition to use the royal we." Luna says, her ears drooping.

"I know Luna, but humans haven’t talked like that since the 16th century, and you have to blend in to maintain your cover," I say. Luna frowns and folds her hoofs in front of her. "Come on Lulu... Its just around other humans." I ask as I pet her head.

"I think I can help." Twilight offers as she rubs her chin with her hoof.

"Even if we try... We would hath extreme difficulty." Luna says.

"If you can't do anything else, at least try to get rid of the 'We' for me, OK?" I ask. Luna nods with a sigh. I acknowledge her with a nod and run to the door.

I Sprint onto my driveway and rip my car door open. I slide in and close the door in one smooth motion. I put the key in the ignition and put on my seat belt only to turn to my right and notice Tia sitting in the back.

"Uh...why are you sitting in the back?" I demand.

"Does it matter?" Celestia asks, her ears folding back against her skull.

"No...just...whatever." I say, shaking my head and turning back. "Alright Tia its 7:26" I announce with a quick glance at my watch.

"How long does it take to get there?" Celestia asks.

"About 40-45 minutes." I mumble.

"We're going to be late..." She says grimly.

"Tia, what did I say to you back in my room?" I ask flatly.

"That... You’d make it?"

"Yes, now hush and put on your seat belt." I say as I tightly grip the steering and narrow my eyes.

"It's already on, but how are you planning to get there in time-"

"Hush I'm thinking..."

...

...

...

"We should PROBABLY get going Der-"

"Got it."

"What, got what?" I look in the rear view mirror with a malicious smirk on my face, her face turns to one that resembles a mix of fear and ‘what the fuck are you doing.’

"Hang on!" I say as I switch to reverse and pull off a smooth J-Turn. Celestia's eyes widen as I start charging down the road.

"Heh... I've always wanted to do that!" I say with a smirk. Hopefully I didn't just fuck my tires. I remembered a back road that leads to the airport that should get me there in time, if I do a little speeding... Nothing too crazy, but enough to get pulled over if a cop were to see me.

...

I turned into the arrivals section of the airport and finally relaxed my body.

"We made it! and with 2 minutes to spare! Told you I could make it Tia!" I said, grinning from ear to ear. "Uh...Tia?" I mumble after getting no response, I look over my shoulder to see her clinging to the seat in a comical fashion.

"Is it over?" She asks, her pupils so tiny that I swear they were non existent.

"Yeah. Help me find this guy." I say, driving slowly and searching the crowd.

"What does he look like?" Celestia asks, letting out a breath regaining her composure.

"He's a big and tall motherfucker, a bit lighter skin, probably wearing camouflage or something." I mutter. After scanning the crowd Celestia eventually points to someone.

"I'm guessing that's your friend." She says. I look and see a big and tall guy wearing standard off duty military fatigues with what I assume were military issued sweats. He had his bag slung casually across his back with a stoic expression.

"Yep, big, tall motherfucker confirmed." I say as I stop the car. I put it in park and take off my seat belt.

"What now?" Celestia asks with a bit of anxiety.

"Just keep that spell on, don't say too much and...try to act natural." I say with a subtle shrug. Celestia gives me a sheepish nod as I exit the car and walk around it. Austin spots me and starts to walk over with a slight smirk on his face.

"Wow, I guess I don't have to pitch a tent, you're here on time." He says with a smirk.

"Heh, told you I'm never late!" I say with a victorious smile.

"I guess... Except for the last 3 times you’ve had to pick me up,” He gazes to the sky with his hand on his chin. “Like that one meeting that almost got you fired! OW! Remember that date with that one girl-" he starts to list verbatim.

"OK! OK!, jeez mercy! I get it." I say with a roll of my eyes.

"Heh... just a friendly reminder DJ." Austin says as he holds his free hand out for me to shake. "It’s good to finally be home!" He says with a smile. I give him a firm handshake and return his smile.

"Glad you made it one piece." I reply. Austin was about to say something back, but the rear door to my car opens, followed by Celestia gracefully stepping out of the car. Austin's eyes widened as she came over to us with a warm smile. He turns his attention to me and points with one finger to Tia.

"Who dat?" He says with a raised brow and a puzzled face. I swallow my spit nervously and smile.

"Oh... Austin, this is... Tia" I say, letting go of his hand and looking between the two.

"It is nice to meet you Austin." Celestia says in a friendly tone. She offers her hoof for a hand...ho- whatever shake. I start to cringe slightly as I worry about the effectiveness of the disguise spell. I know it changes what he sees, but will it change what he feels?

After a moments hesitation, he kindly shakes her hoof, his mouth slightly agape as he tried to work out the words.

"You're... Really... Tall..." He eventually says, as he has to look slightly up at her. Celestia giggles and lets go of his hand.

"I get that a lot." She says with a smirk.

"Huh..." He mumbles looking stumped.

"Let's get going guys, I can't park here forever." I say as I pop the trunk with my keys.

"Yes of course." Celestia says as she pivots and starts walking back to the car.

"Dayum… Nice hips too..." He whispers, Celestia's ear twitches and she pauses, turning her head.

"I also....get that a lot." She says with her trademark smirk.

"How the hell did she hear that.." Austin mutters with a surprised blink. Celestia winks before stepping back into the car.

"She has good hearing mate." I say with a chuckle as I lightly pat Austin's back.

"Well then I guess that makes two of us. I’m gonna go out on a hunch and assume that is the girl I heard on the phone isn't it?" He says as he narrows his eyes slightly.

"I'm surprised you even heard her in the first place..." I say with a flat look.

“Good hearing mate, on to my second question.,” he pauses for a moment and looks at Tia. "When… Where... Why… and how.” He pauses for a moment. “You know what? Never mind lets just go." He says with a shrug and a shake of his head. We walk to the back of the car and I open the cracked trunk all the way.

"Pass it here." I say as I hold my hand out. Austin smirks and tosses me his bag I get caught off guard by the weight and stagger slightly and put it in the trunk and slam it shut. I get in the car and wait for Austin to get into the passenger side before starting it up again. I pull out of the terminal and start to drive, he yawns and rubs his eye.

"Heh… 10 hour flight and a 2 hour delay… Jet lag is a bitch..." Austin says with a sigh.

"Oh yeah? Bet you can't wait to pass out on that bed huh?"

"Yeah, that and I’m so hungry I feel like I could eat a horse." He says with a chuckle. I laugh nervously and turn back to Tia who's staring back at me with wide eyes.

"Heh. That EXPRESSION is pretty funny.." I say in an attempt to tell her that he's joking.

Hopefully she got the message.

"I could go for one of those Beef n’ Cheddar's from Arby’s right about now." Austin says with a nostalgic smile.

"Wait, do you want to hit up Arby’s first or go home?" I ask, turning to him. He looks me straight in the eye and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"FOOD." is his simple reply to me.

"Copy that Captain." He gives me his death stare.

"LIEUTENANT"

"K."

...

We take the short drive to a nearby Arby's and pile out of the car. We walk side by side, Austin on my left and Tia on my right.

"You tall motherfuckers..." I say, realizing they're both at least a head above me.

"Its ok DJ, don't feel bad." Austin says with a snicker.

"Yes, I'm sure you'll hit puberty soon enough." Tia says as she pats the top of my head, her lips curled into a cruel smile.

"Oh ya’ got jokes huh?" Austin says as he starts to chuckle. I was about to kill Tia in one sentence until I realized 95% of my jokes are invalid because I can't mention her being a pony.

"Heh, You certainly know how to pick them DJ, I'll give you that." Austin says with a proud smile.

"It’s not like that man, we're just friends." I grumble.

"Oh?" He says with a double take.

"Yeah, and history says otherwise." I say, shooting him a serious look. His smile fades a bit.

"Ah man you're still talking about that bitch man?" He asks.

"Yeah...THAT bitch.." I say lowering my head some, as the bad memories surge into my head.

"Dare I ask?" Celestia asks with concern.

"Don't..." I say bitterly. Austin and Tia share worried glances as we walk in silence the rest of the way.

'Come on DJ! That was a long time ago and you'll probably never see that bitch again! So cheer up and have a bite with your friends.'

Wow... you're right! Thanks brain!

'Your welcome! Now go get ya some pony pussy!'

...

You had me… and lost me instantly.

When we walked in I cracked a smile.

"Alright, Thunder Thighs, Jarhead. What are you eating?" I say, giving them both a quick tap as they look at the menu. Celestia turns to me with a raised brow.

"I think I'll pass on the meal for now." She muttered.

"I ain't! Let me get a large Beef and Cheddar with extra curly fries and a large Sprite." Austin says to the lady.

"Is that all for today?" She asks.

"Uh... Get me the same thing I guess" I say with a shrug. Celestia picks a booth in the far corner of the restaurant. Austin and I get our food and drinks together ,then join Celestia at the table. I sit down next to Tia while Austin sits on the opposite side. Austin doesn't waste any time taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Jesus man, the sandwich isn't going anywhere." I quip.

"Dude, I've been waiting exactly 11 months 3 weeks and 2 days for this cheesy deliciousness. All the while in a hot ass, godforsaken shit hole of a desert, and at the same time getting shot at twice for this. You can fuck right on off!" He says as he starts to dig in again.

"Jesus, I get it man! But still... Acting like you've never seen food before..." I say with an annoyed sigh.

"You try eating MRE, eggs, and maybe if you're lucky, steak that rivals the quality of a boot. All damn day. Assuming the sand doesn't grab it first, of course." Austin mutters.

"Right, forgot they spend most of the defense budget on weapons instead of your mystery meat." I say as I unwrap my sandwich. Celestia giggles while Austin briefly rolls his eyes and proceeds to ignore me and devour his food. I look down at my sandwich with a neutral expression. I rarely ever come to this place so I wasn't sure what I was getting into. I look over to Tia who is gently tapping her hoof on the table as she gazes at me.

"Are you SURE you don't want one?" I ask her.

"No, I'll eat something when we get home." She says with a nervous smile.

Lol, I don't believe you.

"Are you positive?" I ask, narrowing my eyes in suspicion.

"She said no mate..." Austin says with an annoyed expression.

"Hey! I'm just making sure, because I am not sharing mine." I say.

"That's fine." Celestia says with a shrug. I shake my head and start to drink some of my sprite. When I set my cup back down, I notice Celestia sniffing my sandwich.

"What... did... I... just... freaking... say?" I say with a deadpan expression.

"Oh, could I just have a nibble?" She asks, giving me puppy eyes and leaning on me. Austin slows his sandwich murder to watch.

"Tia no!" I say as I scoot away and hold my sandwich away from her.

"But it smells sooo delicious!" She says, licking her lips.

"Tough shit." I say as I try to push her away. Austin starts to watch with a blank expression as we wrestle in the seat.

"Pretty please?" She begs.

'Dude giver her what she wants.... Give her the MEAT'

...Fuck off brain.

"You know what, fine! I'll just buy you one." I say In defeat as I get up out of the booth.

"Ha, that was cute." Austin says with a smug look.

"You tall motherfuckers can suck my dick." I say in annoyance as I stand up out of the seat and dust myself off.

"I'm afraid I didn't bring my microscope." Celestia muttered casually. Austin almost choked on his food. He puts his sandwich down and covers his mouth with his fist.

"Ooooooh holy shit 3rd degree burns man!" He says, holding his laughter. I sit there speechless, staring at her smug face. Wow...she makes cock jokes now...

"Tia....you..." I say trailing off.

"I'm kidding Derrick. I do not think your penis is lacking in size. It’s actually quite-"

"Save it." I say, shaking my head rapidly. Austin just stares with his eyes glazed over.

'How the fuck does she know that?'

That's... a.. good question...

"How many orders do you want?" I ask. Celestia takes a moment to think before answering.

"I think 2 will be enough... " she decides. Austin chokes on his sandwich and takes a sip of his Sprite.

"Ahk WHAT?! Two orders?!" Austin looks in complete shock.

"You sure you don't want 3?"

"Whaaaaat!?" Austin says louder.

"Nah. I still plan to finish that cake when we get home."

"WHAAAATTT?!?!!?" Austin says loudly.

"Oh yeah, you only ate half." I say.

"HUUUWHAT?" Austin blurts.

"Aight. Two orders it is." I say with a shrug. Austin stares at me with the greatest WTF expression.

"Dude, you cannot be for real, I can’t even eat that much!" He looks with disbelief as he looks between us.

"Yup." I answer simply.

"I don't believe you I’m calling serious bullshit. You can’t eat all that in one sitting." Austin says with a shake of his head.

...

Austin and I stare In silent shock as Celestia finishes her second sandwich... You know... The one I bought her a minute and ago? Yeah. That one.

"Well...you can eat..." Austin admits with a gaping jaw.

"Told you." I say simply as Tia wipes her mouth with a napkin, a satisfied smile on her face.

“Man, I haven't even been back in America for more than three hours… All I can say is hooollyyy shit...”

"Thank you Derrick." She says, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. She slides out of the seat and starts to walk away. "I must use the restroom." She informs before going to the opposite end of the place, where the bathrooms were. I rubbed my left cheek, which felt warm from her kiss and sat with a dumb grin on my face. I looked up at Austin, and this motherfucker had such a powerful look of suspicion. That I felt like he suspected me of stealing the moon.

"What?" I say, putting on an innocent face.

"That piece of model hotness lives with your gangly ass?" He asks.

"Uh... Yeah I'm letting her and her folks crash at my pad for a while." I say as I stuff some fries in my mouth. "Also... the hell do you mean by gangly?" I ask.

“I mean that, Never and I mean NEVER in a million years would I expect YOU to come across something as hot as that. That shit is so hot I can’t even touch it!”

"Heh… Got no faith in me?"

“Not a single drop…” He flat brows.

"Well, shit..." I mumble.

"Anyways… You mentioned her folks are staying as well?” Austin says raising his brow.

"Yep, her little sis, niece, and one of her close friends." I say carefully. Austin nods slowly and takes a long exaggerated drink of his soda.

"Well, I'm not sure what black magic or bribery you pulled, but you've got yourself a damn super model. He says casually. "If she looks like that… Is her sister similar?" He said, crossing his arms with a curious expression.

"Yeah...pretty much." I say with a light chuckle as I think of Luna.

“Interesting.” He says blankly.

"Heh I think she's into military types, you might be in luck." I mutter.

“Oh fuck you…” His death stare ensues. I start to chuckle quietly as I put more food in my mouth.

"They're really good friends... Even though they drive me nuts sometimes." I say, looking down at my food with a smile.

“Don’t all women do that?” He winks with a smug look on his face.

"Damn straight!" I say with another laugh. "They definitely aren't ordinary women tho..." I say more to myself than to Austin.

“I don't think any woman is ordinary.”

"Good point"

“Heh, I think Tia likes you tho, more than a friend anyways.” Austin says, stuffing fries in his mouth and leaning back. My eyes widen as I smile nervously.

"Maybe... I’m a bit worried that's the case... " I mumble.

“Place your man card here… Revoked...” He holds his hand out with a frown. Figured he'd say something like that, he doesn't know Tia's an alicorn god from another dimension...

"Just harmless flirting... Doesn't mean anything.." I claim.

"You have any idea how cliche that sounds? How the fuck did you even get involved with these girls anyways? Also, I never knew a girl could rock rainbow hair and the pink contacts like that… She’s like a living anime girl with a personality and not just some wannabe… She seriously puts effort into her look." He says with what sounds like genuinely awed by Tia’s appearance but i can feel the sweat beginning to bead.

"Um...you said it already buddy... Black magic..." I say with a nervous laugh.

"Pfff… Yea, if only." Austin says, rolling his eyes and waving me off and finishing his last bit of food. We sit there for a bit before he turned back to me.

"What did you think about the solar fail?" He asks.

"The what?" I say in confusion. Celestia comes back and I scoot over for her to sit.

"A few weeks ago, when the sun rose a whole hour early." Austin says.

"Oh yeah..." I say, the memory coming back.

"We had a field day with that where I was… Loosing an hour of sleep is always fun and absolutely great for morale in the morning, funny thing is we thought that the clocks were wrong and found that nothing changed, Marines policy: Up at the crack ass of dawn..." Austin says in a dry sarcastic tone. I slowly turn my head to Celestia, whose cringing with a guilty expression.

"It threw me off, but It didn't affect me too much." I said, staring at her with a stoic expression.

"It honestly scared the shit out of me..." Austin says.

"Yeah...probably something strange or unnatural... Magic even." I say, staring directly at Celestia who can't even face me at this point. Austin sits up and looks at his watch.

"Alright squad are you all done? Kinda want to get in that soft bed if you don't mind..." Austin says, standing up and yawning.

"Pretty much. Should we get something for the others Tia?" I ask.

"I doubt they would want something from here, and I could make them all something to eat anyway." She says.

"Alright cool. Let me just finish my sandwwwwhere the fuck is it?" I say looking around the table frantically.

"Oh, you wanted it?" Tia says, covering her mouth with her hoof. I stare at her with a twitchy brow. Austin proceeds to laugh at Tia's antics for the 11th time today.

"Of course I wanted it! WHY THE HELL WOULD I BUY IT OTHERWISE??"

"Oh- I apologize. You didn't eat it for a while, so i thought you didn't want it." Celestia says as she taps her hoofs together nervously.

"Well, she's got a point... Snooze ya’ lose there pal..." Austin says with a grin.

"I always eat my sandwich last..." I mutter.

"Perhaps next time you could bite it once at least?" Tia asks.

"Perhaps you can ask me first?"

"Oh... that didn't occur to me..."

"..."

"Bruh… I'm so done." I say, throwing my arms up and getting up. The others look at each other briefly before following me out of the restaurant. We pile back in the car except this time Austin decides to sit in the back for some reason.

"Alright, time to get Too tall, and Strech home." I mumble. Austin leans forward and puts his hands on both front seats.

"Am I Too tall or Stretch?" Austin asks.

"Your Strech, and she's Too tall."

"Derrick. Don't act like you have a problem with my height, I specifically remember you admitting your strong attraction to me." Celestia says with a smirk as she runs her hoof through her mane.

"Oh snap!" Austin says, snickering like crazy.

"Oh snap? Why are you, oh snapping?" I demand.

"Because she keeps burning you left and right man! She's hot like the sun and at this rate you're going to get skin cancer." He quips.

"I need a drink..."

"Hey we can't help it that you're a midget man.."

"I'm not short! You two are just tall as hell!" I shoot back. Austin chuckles and shrugs, sitting back in his seat.

“Got a temper like one too!” Austin laughs hysterically and yawns. "Well, imma catch some Z's back here until we get home." Austin says.

"Knock yourself out." I say with a shrug as I pull away. Austin kicks back and closes his eyes while Tia and I sit in silence. She takes occasional glances over to me, but I don't turn.

"Derrick?" She calls out.

"Hm?" I say ,turning to her with a neutral expression. Her ears were flat against her skull and she looked like she just got done drowning a sack of puppies.

"You're not mad at me... Are you?" She asks worriedly.

"Mad? Why would I be mad?" I say cluelessly.

"I ate your sandwich... And those jokes I've been making..." She starts to say with shame.

"Ah, don't worry about it Princess, I could never stay mad at you." I say with a reassuring smile. Celestia smiles at me and I rub her cheek. "Besides... I guess you could make it up to me somehow later..." I say with a smirk.

"I'm sure i could... Think of something.." She says, giving me bedroom eyes.

"Just friends my ass..." Austin mutters.

"Weren't you supposed to be asleep?" I demand, my cheeks turning red.

"Aren't you two supposed to be sucking faces?" He shoots back.

"No… not that Derrick would be up to it anyway." Celestia says with a roll of her eyes.

"What? Hey, it’s not like I'm afraid... I'm just... Not...interested?" I say nervously. Austin sits up and looks like he's about to slap the taste outta me.

"Your loss man." He says with a shrug. Celestia shoots me a quick, annoyed look, then sighs and starts to stare out the window. I hope I didn't offend her or something.

...

A few minutes later we finally pulled into my driveway. We all got out and stretched some.

"Crap I forgot to park at your place instead." I say to Austin.

"Nah, it’s all good. It’s only a block away, and I want to say hi to Tia's folks real quick, if that's ok with you." He mutters.

"Of course man." I say as I walk to the door. Before I get there it opens and I see Cadence standing there.

"Spells on?" I whisper to her. She nods and I walk past her followed by Tia. Luna was sitting on the couch along with Twilight. They appeared to be playing the Xbox.

"How come every citizen screams profanity at me and walks away?" Luna said. I cracked a small smile, knowing Twi did her job.

"I don't understand it either..." Twilight says. Luna proceeds to get decked in the face by a gangsta.

"I just said Hi!" Luna blurts.

"That's GTA for you..." I muttered with a chuckle. Austin walked in behind Tia then looked around. When he saw the girls his face went blank and he turned a few shades paler than normal. When they saw him, they smiled and stood up.

"Right, some introductions are in order? Meet Cadence, Twi and-"

"-Luna." She finished for me as she walked up and held out her hoof out to shake. Austin didn't say anything, he just slowly accepted her handshake, His face blanker than a sheet of paper. I started to get a little worried about the spell, so I quickly pulled out my phone and switched to the camera. I pointed it at them and my face started to heat up.

I'd say he's overwhelmed by sexy right now.

'Dayum son.'

"Are you… A mute?" Luna asks, tilting her head slightly. Austin clears his throat and shakes his head, regaining his firm composure.

"No. I'm Austin Lancaster. Nice to meet you Luna, you must be Tia's sister right." He says with a smile.

Man, he’s really calm under pressure…

‘He kinda needs it in his line of work...you know...getting shot at...’

Right...

"Yes, we… Er I am." She says returning the smile.

"Heh… I see beauty runs in the family." He says as he lets go of her hoof. Luna giggles and i see a light blush form on her cheeks.

"Damn you're just out of luck then Twi..." I quip.

"Very funny DJ..." Twilight says, coming next to me.

"I'm kidding Twi, you know you're a looker." I say with a smirk as I playfully pinch her cheek. She just tried her best not to smile. Austin then turns to Cadence.

"So you must be Tia's niece?" He says.

"That is correct!" Cadence says cheerfully. Austin nods and looks at all of them.

"Well, it’s nice to meet you all but I have to get going." He says as he gestures to the door.

"But you just got here!" Luna blurts before covering her mouth.

"I'm just across the street Luna. Jet lag is hitting me hard so I've gotta get to bed." He explains.

"Oh, when will we see you again?" She asks with a cute smile.

"Uh...tomorrow I guess. Depends on how I feel." He says with a shrug.

"I look forward to it." Luna says.

"Um… me too." He says, turning a light shade of red. After that, he gestures for me to follow him out the door. "Night Ladies." He says with a quick wave. They return his Goodnight, then Austin and I come outside. I pop the trunk so we can get his bag out. I go to reach for it, but he stops me.

"I've got it." He says. I shrug and he picks it up effortlessly. We start the short walk to his house. "Thanks for the ride and the meal man." Austin says.

"Ah, don't thank me man, you do enough, running around in deserts getting shot at so I don't have to.." I say, giving his back a firm Pat.

He surprises me by giving me a firm Pat that almost knocks me over.

"Those are some really... Good lookin’ women in there… I’d inquire further on what’s going on but, I'm feeling like collapsing." He points out.

"Yeah… Uh, guess I see you tomorrow?" I ask as I scratch my head and smile.

"Maybe... a few things I need to handle first, family and my annoying room mate who’s never home..."

"Alright, good luck and night dude." I say with a wave as I step off his porch.

"Goodnight..." He says, returning the wave and entering his place. When he closes the door I do a short jog to my house. Making sure my car is locked before I go inside. When I do I see the girls still huddled around the door.

"Well, that went well." I say as I close it behind me. The others nod in agreement. Twilight and Luna return to the couch. Cadence turns to me and gets a half lidded expression.

"So… What did you think of my spell?" She asks, coming to my side.

"Honestly?" I say, rubbing my chin.

"Mhmm" Cadence says with a nod. I can see Tia's eyes narrowing in the background.

"Well, I think I can sum up what I thought of it in one word..."

"And what would that be?"

"Titz"

...

...

...

Celestia smacks her forehead and walks up the stairs with an annoyed expression.

"Noted..." Cadence says with a slight blush.

"Seriously tho, you shouldn't do stuff like that Cadence, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to fuck me..." I say as I walk to the kitchen.

"Heh... not sure where you got that idea..." She says with an unusually large smile as she taps her hoofs together. I walk past the couch and catch the tail end of Twi and Luna's conversation.

"I have to make a whole new section of notes! His arrival has brought up so many new questions!" Twilight says.

"We could not help but notice the significant difference in muscle mass between them." Luna says.

"And the height difference..." Twilight adds as she scribbles something down. I slowly continue to walk past them with a horrified expression as I enter the kitchen. So Twi is keeping tabs on me with that book? And now she's making a section for Austin?

"I need a fucking drink..."

Author's Note

Notes: huzzah! A long chapter! Anyways, that scene with Cadence is basically why I put the sex tag because there will be more stuff like that, but It will never go too far.

I'm currently rewriting one of my stories, so the next chapter of this may take a while to come. As always, Like, favorite, subscribe.... Oh shit this isn't YouTube.

Uh... anyways leave them comments. Reading them is honestly the best part for me. :)

Chapter 10: closer

Chapter 10: Closer

After a lengthy battle with the cupboards, I managed to wrestle my expensive liquor and a few shot glasses with it. Curiosity getting the best of me I retrieve my twist cork remover out of the drawer and poor myself a shot. Sliding the bottle away I take a quick smell and sip of the golden liquid, instead of drinking it all down in one gulp I quietly observe Luna playing GTA V; rather terribly I might add…

‘Like you can do better…’

Oh who asked you...

‘...’

Thought so...

"We doth not understand the citizens in this game." Luna says, I lean against the counter and watch her getting her ass beat by another random citizen. I facepalm with how sad a day it is in GTA… The sad train kept on going though, It was when I saw her pull over for a pursuing cop I decided to intervene. I walked over next to the girls and sat next to Luna.

"Gimme." I mutter, as I hold my hand out to receive the controller. Luna looks at me like I'm crazy.

”Nay! We art playing. " Luna complains.

"Luna, you're doing it sooooooooo wrong." I say with a blank face.

"Maybe he's right... I don't think running around and getting ‘wasted’ is the objective of this game. " Twilight points out.

"If you haven't figured it out yet, no... Getting wasted is definitely not a good thing… Austin would scold you so bad for that; Anyways it’s the last thing you want to do in this game." I say with a shake of my head.

"Oh? Then how art we supposed to play?" Luna demands, crossing her forelegs. I close my eyes and chuckle to myself.

"Well its called Grand Theft Auto for a reason Luna..." I mutter. Luna blinks a few times with a clueless expression, making me slap my forehead. "Riiighttt… I forgot you don't even have cars." I say, shaking my head.

"From what I understand, a Grand Theft Auto is when someone steals something over a certain value, in this case being a car. " Twilight says after reading something on the tablet.

"Well, you are somewhat right; the goal of GTA is to get as rich as possible while stealing anything possible, be it cars, planes, tanks, and so on..." I say. Luna's eyes widen a bit at my explanation.

"So the objective of this game is to be a criminal?" Luna asks, giving me a flat look.

"For lack of better words… Yes." I say with a nod.

"Hm, how strange. We remember hanging ponies for such crimes."

"You just have to-wait, you did what?!" I take a double take, I look at her my jaw practically on the floor.

"The punishment for such crimes were severe in our time. Doth thou hang criminals here?" I shake my head and regain my mental state.

"Uh……” I think for a moment on how to answer this as Luna continues to wait for an answer. “No, not a lot anymore, nowadays we use sodium thiopental and potassium chloride injections, sometimes aerosol gases are used as well... That said, they are still a rare event these days and most criminals are locked up; sometimes against what should be done…” I explain, I look at Twilight who is completely baffled.

“What… I get curious too you know…” I raise an eyebrow.

"Intriguing." Luna mumbles. She focuses on the game again, walking up to a guy with a really nice car, she throws the door open, drags the poor sucker out and speeds off. A Cop was nearby, they turned on their lights and started to speed after her.

"They art after us!" Luna shouts.

"Chill out, its just a one star." I say.

"What do we do?" Luna asks.

"Get outside of that blue cone, and hide until they stop looking for you. " I explain, gesturing to the map. Luna grumbles and tries her best to escape, but it was all fruitless because she clipped a pedestrian on the way out. Making even MORE cops peruse her. After Turning the car into Swiss cheese a cop got a lucky hit on a tire, making the car flip on its side and careen into a wall. She crawled out of the totaled car and saw a cop sprinting up to her with a shotgun.

"Shoot him!" I bark. Luna awkwardly fumbles with the controller.

"We can equip guns in this game?" She says with surprise. I facepalm so hard that my hand pretty much busted straight through my forehead and came out on the other side. Once the words "Wasted" splash on the screen for probably the 10th time, I shoot my hand out again to receive the controller.

"Let me show your goofy ass how it's done." I say flatly. Luna looks at me with a twitchy brow but otherwise obeyes and gives me the controller. I smirk at the thought of the rampage that's about to occur.

...

Luna watches in awe and slight horror as I jump out of a fighter jet I stole, and rammed it into a nearby police chopper.

"Well that was a waste..." Cadence mutters.

"Don't care, I can get another if I need to." I mutter, as I dive down toward the city.

"What's your plan?" Twilight asks.

"See that tall ass building?"

"Yes."

"Well I'm gonna try and land on it." I say with a smirk.

"And how does that usually go?" Cadence asks.

"Well....haven't got it quite yet." I admit.

"Why?" Twi asks.

"Well either I miss it completely or..." I say as I near the building.

"Or what?" Cadence asks. A few seconds later I slam into the side of the building with enough force to kill me.

"That." I answer as my shoulders fall.

"Welp, you had a good run!" Cadence says as she busts out into a fit of laughter.

"Thou robbed five stores, stole seven cars, a helicopter, and a jet." Luna says blankly.

"Don't forget he killed 20 people." Cadence adds.

"We hath lost count of how much law enforcement was lost." Luna says.

"A total of 73, I counted" Twilight says.

"OK, way to make me feel like shit girls." I say with a roll of my eyes. The girls share a brief laugh as I sigh and cut off the Xbox.

"Hm, Derrick what happened to that thing you bought?" Cadence asks.

"Um....I bought a lot of things sherbert, you have to be specific about things that have to do with what things I purchased." I say with a flat brow.

"It was black and it came in a box" she says.

"There are a lot of black things that come in a box cadence." I mutter with a furrowed brow. Cadence frowns and stands up. She walks over to the corner of the room and finds a box on the floor.

"This black thing in a box." She says with a twitchy brow.

"Oooh THAT black thing in a box." I mutter as i stand up and walk over to her.

"Yes THIS black thing in a box." she Repeats, a small smile forming on her face.

"Ah, thank you for reminding me of the black thing in a box." I say as her smile spreads to my face.

"You are welcome for me reminding you of the black thing in a box."

"We should totally take the black thing in a box, out of the box made for black things."

"I agree, we should take the black thing in a box out of its box"

"Do you want to help me remove the black thing in a box from the box that holds black things?"

"I would love to help you remove the black thing from the box for black things."

Cadence and I slowly open the Box and remove the contents of it, putting it all across the coffee table. Once everything was out, I turn to Cadence again.

"Would you like to help me set up the black th-"

"IF THOU SAYS THING ONE MORE TIME!" Luna shouts as she stares death at Cadence and I. We slowly turn to each other with malicious smirks.

"Why of course! I would love to help you set up the black th-"

"WHAT THE BUCK IS THE THING?" Twilight shouts, catching the rest of us off guard.

"Uh...its a Wii-U." I answer quietly with wide eyes.

"Oh..." Twilight says, fixing some of her mane which seemed to have popped out in some places.

"OK...that just happened." Cadence mutters.

"Yes it did, help me set up this thing." I say as I pick up some of the Wii-U Stuff. I suddenly feel something wrap firmly around my neck and lift me into the air. Luna just teleported next to me and was lifting me with her mane.

"What....did....we....just....say?" Luna asks with a dark expression.

"Don't say “thing?”" I struggle to say as I clutch my throat.

"And what did thou do?"

"I said thing..."

"Um...Auntie?" Cadence says, tapping Luna's shoulder with a neutral expression.

"Yes?" Luna says with a smile, as she turns to Cadence.

"Listen, I kinda like our host a lot, so I would greatly appreciate it if you avoided strangling him to death." She says calmly. Luna glares at me before finally dropping me to the floor.

"Next time we shall squeeze the life out of a different extremity..." Luna says cryptically. I sit on the floor with my blood running cold. Cadence comes over to me and helps me up.

"Thanks... Cadence..." I say, trying to catch my breath.

"You're welcome" she says as she lifts me up onto my feet. We gaze deeply into each others eyes and move a bit closer. Cadence nuzzles me making us both emit happy hums as we close our eyes. After a few seconds we hear snickering from the peanut gallery. I nervously stand up straight and step back from Cadence.

"Um...I'm just gonna set this up." I mumble with red cheeks as I start connecting cables.

"Whoa whoa, what art thou doing?" Luna asks, sitting up in the chair.

"Setting this up so we can play the modern incarnation of my childhood?" I mutter.

"And what doth that mean?" Luna says as she narrows her eyes.

"Smash bros." I say simply. When Luna does that clueless blink, I reach into the bag and pull out the game. I feel it leave my hands and I return to my work. After a few moments of silence I nod to myself, determining that everything was more or less in order. I turn it on and start what will probably be an annoying first start up process, followed by system updates. Ah the Joy's of modern consoles. I kinda miss the days where all you had to do was set the date and time, then you could just pop the disk in.

"We will sit out in this." Luna mutters.

"Aww why?" I ask with genuine disappointment.

"It looks childish to us." Luna complains as she floats the case back to me.

"So?" I respond simply.

"We will only play games meant for our age group." Luna mutters as she folds her hoofs in front of her.

"Um… By technicality... No such games exist; they don't make them for 2000 year old toddlers like you. Sorry." I quip with venom.

"We still art not playing." Luna says defiantly.

"Kay’. Your loss moonbutt." I say with a shrug. I know as soon as I and the others start, she'll be scrambling to play.

"How about you Twi?" I ask as I start the update process.

"Hm...I think I'll watch first, I want to see what Google says about this game." Twilight says as she gets her tablet again.

"OK... Just remember tiers are for queers."

"What?"

"Nothing. Cadence do you want to play?" I ask.

"I don't think I would be any good DJ." She says, averting her eyes timidly.

"Nonsense. This game is easy as hell, trust me." I say with a reassuring smile.

"Well ok, if you think I can." Cadence says with a hopeful smile.

"Sweet." I say with a smirk. I start to walk toward the stairs, causing Cadence to give me a curious look.

"Where are you going?" Cadence asks.

"Upstairs to check on Tia, and see if she wants to play." I say as I slowly ascend the stairs. Cadence's eyes narrow for a moment before she seems to shrug and wait. I reach the top of the stairs and walk down the hall to my room door, which is slightly open. I quietly push the door open.

Celestia is laying on my bed, her back toward me, silently staring out my large window into the night sky. The moonlight illuminated her curvy equine body in the dark and made her beautiful mane shimmer and glitter. My heart started to beat faster and my cheeks feel warm. I have this feeling in my stomach... Kinda like how I felt when I was asking out my high school crush. Why the heck am I so nervous?

'Maybe that's a hint bucko...'

Fuck off woulda’ ya’ kindly...

I swallow my spit and start walking over to her.

"I was wondering how long you were planning to stand there." Celestia says without turning.

"A few more minutes probably, it was a nice view." I say with a smirk as I come next to her. I see a faint smile form on her otherwise blank face. I sit next to her on the bed and sigh.

"It’s a beautiful night..." She mutters. I look out the window briefly and nod in agreement.

"Yeah it sure is, heh." I say as I scratch the back of my neck. I look over to her and can tell instantly that something is up. "So what's wrong Celie?" I ask as I scoot close to her.

"Oh… It’s nothing..." She claims, giving me a reassuring smile.

"Uh huh. Bullshit." I say with a deadpan expression.

"Oh? And why do you say that?" She asks. With a raised brow.

"You actually let me touch your mane..." I say as I run my hand through it. Basically feels like Luna's except a lot warmer. Like weird magical jello. Celestia blinks a few times then just sighs again.

"Want to talk about it?" I ask. I scoot a bit closer. Celestia lowers her head and closes her eyes.

"Alright Celie." I say, sitting up some.

"Is there something else you wanted?" She asked, turning back to the window.

"I was just gonna ask if you wanted to play a game with us." I say with a shrug. Celestia slowly shakes her head.

"No… Not this time." She answers. I give her a bit of a sad look as I stand.

"Hm, Alright. I'll be back up here a bit later, you might be ready to talk then." I say as I lightly Pat her back.

"Alright." She responds simply laying her head flat on the bed.

"And I'll bring the depression kit with me." I add as I start walking off. Celestia turns and giggles lightly.

"Depression kit? What is that?" She asks, briefly glancing at me.

"You'll see Tia." I say with a wink as I take a left out of my room and head down the hallway.

'Depression kit?'

Cake, Ice cream, Alcohol and a nice set of listening ears, but for our equine guest I'll probably have to throw in a belly rub.

'Oh...I thought you meant....never mind'

You sir are an asshole… Ya’ know that?

'Hey! Remember we are still the same person, don’t act like you weren’t thinking about it either or we wouldn’t be having this discussion.'

I come down the stairs where the others are waiting for me patiently, which is a surprise.

"I've gotta get something started in the oven real quick." I say as I go in the kitchen and start getting out materials to make cake. I was just going to bring her left overs, but I decided to make her something extra special instead.

'Awwww.'

Ignoring you!

Like an automation, I expertly prepare the batter and unlike the last few cakes, I don't hold back with the chocolate and fudge. Cadence comes in and watches me curiously.

"Another cake?" She asks.

"Yeah." I say, setting up the oven.

"But… there's still half left of the last one." She points out.

"Yeah? And?"

"Wouldn't that be a waste?"

"Oh, Cadence you seemed to have forgotten who you're here with. No cake goes to waste… thus far anyways." I say with a laugh. Cadence puts her hoof to her face and shakes her head.

"Right...nothing survives more than 24 hours." She mutters.

"Yep." I say with a chuckle. Cadence slowly comes to my side and watches. Her wings start to twitch and she gets a somewhat creepy smile.

"You're so sexy when you bake..." She says with a lip bite. I double take and stop what I'm doing.

"Uh… what?" I say with a careful look.

"I was asking if we were still playing." she asks with a kind innocent smile.

"Oh of course, let me get this sucker in the oven real quick." I say with relief.

"OK great!" She says cheerfully.

"Yep just you and me." I mutter as I make sure everything is in order before sliding what I dub the "Fudge Lovers" into the oven.

"You and me...like it was destined to be." She says in a creepy tone. By the time I turn to face her, she's already taking her plump booty out of the kitchen.

"Huh...okkkayyyy..." I say as I set the timer with a disturbed look.

'Ok that was kinda creepy...'

Agreed.

...

After all that was said and done I walk out of the kitchen and get the controllers ready. The cake will finish baking in about 30 minutes then I let it cool for 20... So pretty much an hour to play before I head up again. The game is successfully updated and I let the intro cinematic play.

"Ah this takes me back." I say with a nostalgic grin.

"What exactly is this game about?" Cadence asks in confusion.

"It's a fighting game." I say as I press start. I go to the menu and hit the smash button. I then gasp in suprise at the large starting roster.

"Who art these strange characters?" Luna asks as she looks at the list before her.

"People from a bunch of different games combined." I mutter.

"Hm...so doth that mean the Master Chief is in this game?" Luna asks hopefully. I turn to her and give her such a blank look that I probably looked like slenderman.

"No Luna, he is not in this game." I state simply, my childhood stinging a bit.

"Oh tis a shame, we wert about play." Luna claims with a smirk.

"Don't care." I say as I immediately select Sonic.

"There's so many... Who should I be?" Cadence says, completely lost.

"Everyone is more or less balanced so just pick anyone." I mutter. Cadence stares at the screen for a good 30 seconds.

"Pick the large creature that resembles a turtle." Luna mutters with a bored expression.

"Nah...he's ugly." Cadence says.

"Pick the human in green with the swo-"

"Hey! Stop back seat smashing! Don't tell the girl who to pick, I thought the whole thing was too childish for you anyway." I say with a smug grin. Luna blinks in surprise and frowns.

"Tis too childish!" She shouts.

"Well okay then, hush!" I say with a shake of my head. After a while Cadence finally drops her token and selects Kirby.

"WHAT? WHY DID THOU PICK SUCH WEAKLINGS?" Luna blurts.

"Weaklings? Sonic and Kirby?" I say with a raised brow.

"Yes! Thou expects to battle with them?" Luna says with a shake of her head.

"Luna... They're both tougher then they look." I say as I confirm and go to the stage select, I'm genuinely surprised by the amount of stages.

"I just picked Kirby because he was adorable." Cadence says with a smile.

"Adorably dangerous..." I say.

"Ha!" Luna scoffs.

"Hm...let's see... Kirby can inhale enemies and perfectly copy they're abilities. He's sorta like you Luna...he destroys all kinds of hellish nightmare creatures, and stops evil spirits and shit." I explain casually.

"Huh...what of the blue one?" Luna mutters.

"Sonic? The speed of sound is his cruising speed. He regularly fights armies of giant robots and Huge fleets of battleships. He also saved the earth from like... Two gods of destruction, saved an alien race from slavery, Destroyed an entity that was eating time itself, basically some pretty important shit..." I mumble as my childhood memory bank opens.

"Huh." Luna says with a bit of a surprised look.

"Oh… He didn't save the moon though, half of it got Destroyed." I add with a chuckle.

"Tis still for children." She mutters as I select Final Destination.

"Yep… for awesome children." I mutter. Cadence and I load up onto the stage and the count down begins.

"Can you go easy on me? I have no idea what I'm doing." Cadence says as she stares at her controller.

"I honestly have no idea Either, haven't played in years." I admit as I'm doing the same. It takes me about a minute to refresh my mind, then I give Cadence a run down of the controls. They're pretty simple so that doesn't take long.

"So how does this work?" Cadence asks, as she sits up.

"You fight your opponent and try to increase their damage, the higher the damage, the farther you fly when hit. You knock an opponent off the stage to win." Twilight explains for me.

"That sounds easy enough." Cadence mumbles.

"And childish" Luna adds.

"Hey, this isn't Mortal Kombat Luna..."

"Oooh! What is that?"

"Another time..."

"So can I beat the manure out of you now?" Cadence asks.

"Yeah you can try." I challenge. Cadence jumps over to me and tries to punch me. I use Sonics speed to my advantage and Dodge her punches. This basically happens for a while until I decide to go on the offensive. I get a few combos on her and finish with a firm throw, tossing her off the side of the stage. Unfortunately she remembered what I said about recoveries and flew up until she grabbed the ledge.

"Not bad." I say with a nod.

"Thanks!" Cadence says with a giggle. She starts to finally nail some solid hits on me and I cringe. She racks up decent damage on but I still kept the pressure on her. She really insisted on using that hammer on me, because she kept swinging it like a mad man...mare.

"You're not gonna hit me with that thing..."

"Just stand still!"

"Nah I'm good"

"Please?"

"Not a snowballs chance in hell…."

"I'll give you lots of hugs and kisses!"

"I said no before, definitely not now." I quip. Cadence gets close with the hammer but I blocked it with my shield, nearly breaking it and leaving me vulnerable. She hits me with a hard kick instead and sends me flying.

"You ain't hitting me with that hammer, but guess what." I say as I land back on the stage with relative ease, my damage in the red.

"What?" Cadence says clueless.

"You can have my hammer." I say as I pick up the infamous Mario hammer. That cheesy theme plays as I Chase after Cadence.

"Oh Buck..." She says as she tries to jump away. One hit is all took to send her flying. Kirby flattened against the screen in a comical fashion. Twilight and I started to laugh our asses off. Luna got a dangerously evil look as she leaned over and whispered something to Cadence. It was when the evil smirk spread to Cadence that I got worried. The hammer expired and I used Sonics signature annoying ass taunt. The one where he does the figure eight and says...

"Sonic speed!"

...

...

...

Oh fuck you Nintendo!

Cadence returns to the stage with a vengeance and determination.

"Your still not hitting me with that fuckin- WAAAAH!" I scream as something firmly grasps my crotch. I accidentally use my up special making me spring into the air...right into Cadence's waiting hammer, knocking me into the stratosphere.

"Bye bye Sonic!" Cadence says with an evil laugh.

"You...dirty..." I start to say. Cadence just winks and blows a kiss at me.

"Love ya Johnny" she says.

"Love you too sherbet" I say with a straight face. While her brain was blue screening I threw her off the stage, jumped after her, gave her a swift downward kick then recovered as she fell to her doom. When she came too and realized what I just did she frowned.

"Two can play at that game Cadence." I say as I pinch her cheek and smirk.

"Oh really?" Cadence says with a devilish smile.

"Yes really!" I claim. Next thing I know I see her body flashing and she turns into her anthro form. She gives me this sexy look as she scoots right next to me.

"Well...we both have two lives left so lets finish....smashing." Cadence purrs.

"You're not going to let me win this are you?"

"Nope."

"Fuck."

“Yes please.”

“NO!”

...5 minutes later…

"-and the winner is....KIRBY" the TV blared. Twilight and Luna were sitting with horrified faces as Cadence sits in my lap casually.

"Thou can cease thine....whatever thou art doing." Luna says awkwardly.

"Pleasure doing business with ya!" Cadence says with a wink as she rolls off me and returns to normal.

"..."

"Is he OK?" Twilight asks, noticing how i haven't moved.

"Thou seems to have broken the human." Luna comments.

"Nah just give him a minute... He'll be alright." Cadence says, kicking back casually.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...You... cheated!" I blurt angrily after significant delay.

"It was her idea..." Cadence says pointing a hoof at Luna casually.

"Yes...but thou took our suggestion to the.... next level..." Luna says, staring at Cadence cautiously.

"Next level indeed..." Twilight agrees.

"Whatever you're both dirty cheaters." I mumble.

"You're just mad because I'm se-" Cadence starts to say but I give her ear a firm flick making her pout and stick her lip out.

"Alright, rematch." I say.

"Oh can I play this time?" Twilight asks excitedly.

"Yup gives me more ass to beat." I say as I hand her a controller. After a few seconds Twilight Selects Mario.

"Ok… not a bad selection." I say with a nod. I slowly turn to Luna after that.

"What?" She says with a raised brow.

"You know you want to play..."

"Nay"

"You're just scared..."

"WHAT?"Luna barks giving me a fierce look.

"You're scared that you're gonna catch the hands from Son-"

"GIVE US AN INPUT DEVICE!" Luna growls. She basically snatches the controller out of my hands and I snicker.

"So what "weakling" are you selecting?" I ask smugly. I watch as she selects Link.

"Though shall taste the steel of our bl-"

"Luna....I'm killing you first..." I hiss. I press confirm and the menu moves forward.

"Wait!" Cadence barks, taking us back to character select.

"What?" I ask impatiently.

"I want to be somepony else." Cadence says.

"OK..." I mutter as I and the others wait patiently. She eventually selects Pikachu.

"He's so cute!" Cadence says with a dreamy expression.

"Uh huh neat..." I mutter uncaring as I Press the A button and go to stage select.

"WAIT!" Cadence blurts again.

"What??"

"I forgot to change my color..."

"You can do that?" Luna and Twilight Blurt in unison.

"Oh for FUCK'S SAKE!"

'Nice to see that the game that Destroyed friendships is still kicking it.'

YOU SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE.

I just went ahead and picked Battlefield before they could even drag the damn cursor around like all your asshole friends/siblings used to do. When the count down started they were all surprisingly silent. I paused the game and put on a serious face as they all turned to me In confusion.

"Before I unpause this... I want to make something clear."

"And that is?" Cadence asks with an annoyed tone.

"No...Cock... Grabbing." I say with a twitchy brow.

"We would never dream of it." Luna says with a roll of her eyes.

"I'm serious... Especially you Cadence."

"Aw but its so fun..." She says as she puts her hoof in my lap.

"CADENCE!" I spurt as I scoot away.

"Fine fine, I'll kick your flank manually." Cadence says.

"Can you unpause it now?" Twilight asks impatiently.

"Alright get ready..." I say.

"I'm always ready..." Cadence says with a wink.

"Why are you so horny?" I ask legitimately.

"Why is your mind so far in the gutter?!" Twilight asks.

"Why art we not playing!?" Luna asks. Ah Luna, always asking the important questions. I unpaused the game and the four of us clashed...well kind of, I ended up just catching the three of them in a combo straight out of the gate. Apparently Luna and Twilight were paying attention when I was explaining the controls to Cadence because they looked like they knew exactly what they were doing.

"Stop doing that!' Luna barks as I catch her in yet another Spin Dash.

"Step it up!" I quip making her growl.

"What is this?" Cadence asks as she stands in front of an odd floating item.

"That's one of the Dragoon pieces. Get all three and...well you'll see." I briefly explain. Luna kicks Cadence in the face and snags the piece for herself.

"Ha-ha! Tis mine!" Luna says with a smirk. I proceed to be a dick and smack it out of her, taking it for myself.

"Still too slow." I quip.

"Come hither!" Luna says as she chases after me. I run circles around her for a bit until Twilight picks up that infamous hammer of doom. Luna grabs me in a hold.

"Let go before she gets us both!" I shout.

"Nay rodent!" She says with an evil grin as she relentlessly pumbles me. Of course Twilight casually comes by and knocks us both off stage with the hammer before going after Cadence.

"Great. Thanks." I say sarcastically.

"We shall both perish." Luna claims.

"Yeah...that's what you think." I mutter as I use her head as a platform to jump up. Then as I final act of disrespect I use my spring jump, causing said spring to hit Luna in the head as she falls to her death. Luna stares at the screen in disbelief.

"Nay..." She mumbles.

"Wow. Guess you were too slow." I quip with a shit eating grin.

'You've awakened a flood gate of untold rage that will follow you for the rest of your... 3... I mean 2 lives'

It was just my luck that a nearby box opened near the edge of the stage(where I unfortunately have to land), containing nothing but bomb-bobs.

Sonic grew wings that day.

Luna snickers and leans over to me.

"Thine speed is lacking." She says simply.

"I'm gonna kill the shit out of you Luna."

"Ew."

"Hush Twi."

My death made me drop my dragoon piece which Luna promptly collected from the ground. She then started to chase after Cadence to get the two pieces she had.

"Come hither my niece!" Luna says as she uses her grapple to pull Poor little Pikachu closer.

"No! I've been a good pony!" Cadence begs. Luna hits her with her triple up slash, knocking her into the air and dropping another piece for Luna's collection. She finished off by doing that spinny...helicopter thing that link does.

"That wasn't nice..." Cadence pouts.

"Thine speed wert lacking"

"No! You can't say that!" I shout in annoyance. She's not even Sonic! When Cadence comes back She drops the final dragoon piece.

"Uh oh." Twilight mutters as Luna grabs the last piece and flies off on the completed dragon. When the targeting reticle appears on the screen, realization hit Luna in the form of an evil smirk.

Of course she aims for me.

I dodge around and flip as much as I can but I'm still pretty sure this a KO for me. Cadence uses her side special which launches her into the air and tackles me. This actually proved to be a good thing because she knocked me out of the way of Luna's attack, making it hit her instead.

"Thanks for taking the L for me bai." I joke as I smile from ear to ear.

"I'm going to hurt you Derrick." Cadence says in a tone I'm not used to. After that a smash ball reveals itself.

"What is that floating orb?" Luna asks curiously.

"If you break it you can use a special move" I say simply. The girls all pause for a moment and look at each other.

"Mine....mine...mine...MINEMINEMINEMINE!" Luna starts to say as she immediately dashes for it. I try to stop her but she drags me away from it with that damn boomerang. She slashes the thing until it breaks before turning to her new victims...which were conveniently RIGHT in range of her.

"Fuck."

"Buck"

"We're screwed"

Luna activates Links special, sucking us all in and doing a barrage of slicing attacks. The Final blow Kills Cadence but just ends up Heavily damaging me and Twi.

"Player 2, Defeated." The announcer blares making Cadence Sink in her seat.

"This is probably the part where I comfort and cuddle you right?" I mutter.

"Yes..." Cadence says with a sniffle.

"Huh… That’s a shame, tough shit!" I say with a snicker. The resulting silence makes me feel like the dick that I truly am. "Alright come here." I say with a sigh. She sniffles and snuggles next to me. "Better?" I ask.

"Mhmm!" Cadence says with a smile.

"MUHAHA KISS OUR HINDQUARTERS!" Luna bellows. I manage to land on the stage as well as Twilight, our characters smoking from the high damage.

"Alright Luna, you're about to catch the ha-" I'm interrupted by Twilight using her up special, producing an unsettling coin sound as I'm instantly knocked out. Twilight's laughter climaxes when sonic flies into the screen in a comical fashion.

"Wow..." I say simply.

"Thine speed is lacking."

"Luna would you like to keep your horn where it is?"

"Doth thou like where thine phallus is?"

"..."

"We thought so."

The first thing I do when I spawn is throw Twilight. She goes flying off the screen almost bumping into Luna on the way out. I make sure to edge guard the shit out of her by dropping a spring on her head. She of course wasn't too happy about that.

As it stands now Luna and I have one stock left each and Twilight had Two. So I decided to hang back a bit and wait for a heal item, before doing anything risky. I would dash in and out and deal a few hits before retreating to the other side of the stage. Luna picked up one of those things that freeze you. I knew to hit the Dodge button immediately since she seems to have a massive hard on for me this match. The thing sails past be and right into Twilight, who helplessly falls of the side of the stage. By the time she broke free she was basically dead.

"What?" Twi says with a confused and angry look.

"Chill out Twi" I say.

"Cool down Twilight sparkle" Luna says.

"That was cold." Cadence says.

"You know they have a special place for ponies like you... And a fiery version for you DJ..." Twilight says to us with a dark Tone.

'This game is bringing out the rage ain't it'

Yup...and its delicious.

So now were all even except for damage, Luna was in the red, I was pretty close and Twilight was fresh with none. I really don't want to lose this match because last time I lost a match to Luna she literally taunted me in my dreams. Luna seemed to be doing the same thing as me. Hanging back and firing arrows to soften us up. I gotta go FAST to dodge her ar-

'DONT BLINK! DONT THINK JUST GO! GO! GO! G-'

Huh, its actually relevant this time. Continue.

I got some strange boost in confidence out of nowhere and started to tear into them. Zipping in and out a and punishing their attacks relentlessly.

"Too fast for the naked eye!" I say as I slam Twilight into the ground and use her head as a foot stool. I jump to the highest platform and grab a home run bat.

"Hey Twi." I say with a smirk.

"Hm?" She mumbles.

"Do you like baseball?" I ask.

"Baseball? That human sport?" She asks.

"Yeah."

"Not really a sports mar-"

Twilight goes sailing off the screen at light speed as the satisfying sound of the home run bat resonates in the room.

"Player 3, Defeated!"

"Me neither." I mumble. Twilight let's the controller fall in her lap as she sinks into the chair and folds her front hooves.

"That was absolutely ridiculous." She claims.

"You're too slow"

"Thine speed wert lacking"

"Go faster next time."

"This is the most potent rage I've ever felt in the entirety of my life." Twilight says with a twitchy brow. We all laugh and focus on the game again as salty Twi seethes quietly.

"Welp just you and me Luna."

"Nay, tis just us." She claims.

"But that's what I just said- oh wait." I say with a facepalm. Luna briefly shakes her head before sitting up from her relaxed position.

"Tis thine move." She says as we stand on opposite sides of the stage.

"Come here so I can knock you out of the park" I say.

"Nay we art very much satisfied being within the battlefield's boundaries."

"But this bats got your name on it friend."

"We do not want it friend."

"Too bad friend"

"We art not friends"

"Why not frie-wait seriously?"

"Nay."

"Oh… Just making sure. ANYWAYS, come taste this wood Luna." I say. Before Luna could respond Cadence starts to laugh hysterically out of nowhere.

"Wow...your mind has reached the point of no return in the gutter huh?" I say to Cadence. She just ignores me and continues laughing.

"Let us settle this human..." Luna says.

"Kay moon pony, time to die" I say menacingly. Next thing I know the hammer of doom spawns RIGHT in front of Luna. Like the gods of fucking smashbros were blessing her. Luna snatches it off the ground with an evil laugh. To make matters worse a smash ball decided to start existing right in-between us.

"Victory is assured." Luna says as she's about to use the hammer on the smash ball. Instead of destroying the thing, the hammerhead just falls off completely and flops harmlessly to the floor.

The gods abandoned yo ass.

‘Ass Kickin Time…’

Agreed!

"WWWWHAT??!" Luna screeches. Twilight and Cadence absolutely lose their shit right then and there.

"Right...it kinda does that sometimes." I say as I casually toss the bat aside and pick up the hammerhead.

"Nay....nay....nay...nay." Luna says as she vigorously shakes her head.

"Yup....yup....yup...yup." I say, nodding with a mischievous look. I throw the hammerhead at her and it knocks her completely clear of the stage. Assuming she's dead I casually jab the smash ball making it break. I notice Luna floating back over and frown.

"Who said you could come back?" I say, quickly grabbing the bat I discarded earlier. I use the thing as a projectile as I often do and knocked her back away from the stage. Then I jump off after her and finished her off with a homing attack. "GAME" appears in big letters and the match concludes. Sonic does his little run across the screen thing and I slowly turn to a demoralized Luna. She stares at the screen with a flat brow.

"Hey.....hey....Luna....hey...Luna....Hey...hey....hey...Luna" I start to say, poking her obnoxiously.

"What..." She mumbles turning to me finally.

"You're. Too. SLOW."

"I'm going to hurt you...badly" Luna says completely dropping the old English, seething in the pool of rage that just surfaced on her face.

Thus ended my smash bros career for the night, maybe even my life too.

...

I grumble in annoyance as I rub my left wrist in pain. I probably deserved what she just did to me but that doesn't stop this shit from hurting. Why does she have to be a sore loser?

'Why'd you have to rub it in like a dick?'

Because I'm a Dick? Also she does the same exact thing.

'Good point.'

I open the oven with my good arm and briefly inspect the cake. I get a toothpick from the cabinet and stick it in the middle of the cake. When it comes out clean, I know that it's ready. Its still pretty hot, but it will have to do for now. I get a tray out and lay the cake on it along with a tub of ice cream, and a bottle of champagne. I get out two champagne glasses, along with two bowls and spoons, then slowly and carefully head up the stairs. Cadence eyes me suspiciously as I go up but surprisingly doesn't say anything.

...

I get to the top of the stairs and with a light grunt of pain twist open my door. I find Celestia in pretty much the same spot that she was in last Time, but she was sitting upright like an elegant cat. She turns to me slowly and gasps in surprise.

"Derrick..." She says trailing off as she looks at me with a faint blush. I smirk and sit down in the bed next to her, carefully placing the tray down in front of us.

"Well this is the depression kit you were curious about.”

"I...I thought you were joking..." She says as she looks between me and the tray with an astonished look.

"Nope! Enjoy!" I say with a warm smile.

"I don't know what to say." Celestia says as she covers her muzzle.

"Just say thanks I guess." I say casually. Next thing I know I'm basically being crushed by her wing.

"Thank you so much Derrick, you shouldn't have." She says happily.

"It's cool Tia, ow ow ow" I say as she squeezes a little too hard.

"I'm sorry." She says, nervously letting me go.

"Its cool, just eat it before it gets too cold." I mumble.

"Derrick... Your wrist..." She says with concern.

"Tia just eat please. Don't worry about me." I beg. It's no use though, because she almost snatched my arm off.

"Let me heal you Derrick." She asks.

"Seriously... It's just a bruise Tia." I mumble.

"I don't like to see you in pain..." She says with a serious look.

'Come on man you need your wrist...for things...'

I'm right handed jackass.

'I was talking about games jackass'

...huh woops.

‘perv.’

"Well... I guess it's alright for something small like this." I say with a sigh. Celestia's warm golden magic instantly washes over my wrist and a moment later it feels functional again.

"There, all better." She says with a smile as she runs her hoof across my hand.

"Thanks, eat the cake now." I say, laying back. My low grunt of pain makes her ear twitch.

"Is something wrong with your back?" She quickly asks.

"Cake, now." I say flatly.

"Oh...right " she says with a giggle.

"I'm surprised you didn't tackle me for the cake when I walked in."

"I almost did, but not because of the cake"

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Why didn't you just bring up the left over cake?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to make you something special." I say with a shrug. Celestia's cheeks warm up as she gazes at the cake and licks her lips.

"It looks and smells absolutely Divine." She says. She sits there looking at if for a few moments and I scowl.

"What do you need a manual? Just eat it." I quip.

"This is all for me?" She asks.

"Yep, fudge lovers, all yours. Feel free to save me a slice though." I say with a light chuckle. Celestia uses her magic to cut me a fairly hefty slice, then proceeds to murder the cake.

"Um....you were supposed to eat it with the ice cream Tia." I say with a blank face as she virtually inhales it.

"What did you say?" She says with food in her mouth, her lips covered in chocolate.

"Nothing… never mind" I say after blinking a few times. She shrugs and continues to kill the cake. I can practically hear it screaming in agony as she chews in a very unprincess like manner.

...

I put a couple spoons of vanilla ice cream in a bowl and look back over to Tia. she's laying on her back next to me, rubbing her swollen belly with a hoof.

"Oh that was delicious. Thank you Derrick." She says cheerfully.

"I can't believe it's gone already..." I mumble with wide eyes. I pat her fat tummy and shake my head. This will be gone in like an hour thanks to her crazy fast alicorn metabolism.

"That's the best one you've made yet!" She claims.

"I swear you say that every time."

"But its true!" She says with a grin.

"Thanks I guess." I say as I taste it for myself. Wow...that's really good, its like I have double XP for my Baking skills. "Yeah, definitely true." I say with a nod. Celestia giggles and lets out a long satisfied sigh. I glance at her and shake my head, chuckling lightly.

"So what game had you all screaming at each other?" Celestia asks.

"Oh we just played Smash Bros, it's this crazy fun fighting game."

"It didn't sound like fun from what I was hearing...."

"It really is though. Sometimes it really brings the rage out of you, heh"

"I could practically taste the tears."

"Those were probably Luna's tears you tasted."

"Oh?"

"Yep. I decided to mouth off after her defeat. A horrible decision, really."

"She made you regret it huh?"

"Yeah...its not my fault that she's too slow."

"Ah. That's why your wrist was swollen. I thought it was from-"

"- From what?" I say, raising my brow. Celestia pauses for a moment and blushes. "Did you seriously think that I...." I trail off. Celestia's smile gets wider and her ears droop down.

"I'm Right handed Tia...and I don't even do that..." She gives me a smug look of disbelief. "...Often.....and especially not recently." I correct.

"I was simply talking about playing video games so much that you hurt yourself, whatever were you implying? " she asks with her trademark smirk.

"Uh....that's what I meant too! Hahaha" I say, folding my arm back and scratching my neck.

"Funny... I'm right hoofed..." She mumbles.

"Huh." I say plainly. We both sit in silence for a few moments, then I slowly turn back to her.

"WAIT A MINUTE! Ponies do that too?!"

"Well of course we do." She says, turning to me and furrowing her brow.

"Oh..."

...

...

...

"So...do YOU do that?" I ask bluntly. Celestia turns red with embarrassment as I slowly bring a hand to my face.

"OK, OK I'm sorry... Let's change the subject." I say.

"Please..." Celestia says nervously.

"Yep moving right the hell along." I say with a nervous laugh.

"Indeed we are...moving along." She says as she scoots right next to me. We briefly look at each other and share a steady laugh. We get in our usual cuddling position and relax our bodies. I scratch behind her ear and she purrs quietly. Celestia gets a spoon and starts to eat the remaining ice cream. I put the last spoon of delicious cake and ice cream in my mouth and let out a quick breath.

"Alright Tia." I say, setting my empty bowl aside.

"Hm?" She says looking at me from the corner of her eye.

"So are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or do we have to open the bottle?" I ask. Celestia's face falls a bit and I start to run my hand through her glistening mane. I still find it odd that's she's finally letting me touch it, she seemed to be uncomfortable with it being touched.

"I'm worried Derrick." She says in a melancholy tone.

"Worried? About what exactly?" I ask curiously.

"A lot of things are bugging me… The biggest thing weighing on my conscious is how Equestria is doing in our absence, Whether our magic will return to full strength so we may return...if we can at all." She says grimly. I look at her with a sad expression, remembering their failed attempt at returning from earlier in the week.

"It'll be alright Tia, I'm sure you girls well be back at 100% soon." I tell her in a reassuring tone.

"Even so...the spell failed and quite literally blew up in our faces." she reminds. A small smile forms when I remember. The four of them were standing in a circle and they all started beaming their magic into this huge swirling mass above them, then it all just went "pop" right in their faces, their manes looked like they tried to jet dry them.

"Hey it was just a fluke, I'm sure it will work when you're at full strength." I say.

"And even if we do return, I'm afraid we'll find Equestria in ruins.." She says. I can feel her heart beat pickup as well as her already intense heat getting hotter.

"Don't you have people that would take over in your absence?" I ask.

"Yes...my council. But I've never been away this long, not to mention Luna and Cadence being gone as well." She says.

"Heh, well there's a first time for everything right?" I say, scratching behind her ear again.

"I suppose..." She says with a sigh.

"You shouldn't worry and stress yourself out about things, especially when they're not really in your control. I'm sure you're kingdom will be fine, and if for whatever reason it isn't, I'm sure you can fix whatever they screwed up." I tell her. She takes a moment to consider that and lets out a small laugh.

"I suppose you're right." She says.

"See? Nothing to worry about... Well not yet anyway." I say. Celestia raises her head and looks at me. I gently pet her head, she smiles warmly. I smile back and grab the champagne bottle to examine it.

"Guess we won't be needing this huh?" I say with a smirk. Celestia glances at the bottle and furrows her brow.

"Were you saving it?" She asks as she gently floats it closer to her.

"Kind of. I bought it a while ago and kept it for a special occasion." I muttered. Celestia nods and gives it back to me.

"Would this be a special occasion? I've never had human Champagne before." She says.

"I don't know what would qualify. I haven't had this particular brand before either." I say. We both look at each other for a moment and smirk.

"Well I suppose we could celebrate friendship, and being alive and what not." She says with a giggle.

"Heh, It sounds super cheesy… but I'll take it." I say with a shrug as I open up the bottle. I pour a generous amount into each glass then Celestia and I lift them into the air. Celestia looks down at her glass and twirls it slightly, getting it to swirl around in the confines of the cup.

"So what made you come up with this?" She asks.

"What? The depression kit?"

"Yes, that" she says with a giggle.

"Well everyone gets down in the dumps sometimes, Friends, family, me, girlfriends...EX- girlfriends. I just combined all the things that seem to help." I explain. "Although... Pretty much everything in the kit isn't good for you, but neither is being depressed." I add.

"Incredible" Celestia says, shaking her head slowly.

"Hey it works!" I defend.

"I have to admit that I feel a little better." She says with a grin.

"Really only a little?" I say, lightly pinching her cheek.

"There are some...other things bothering me." She says, a faint blush on her face.

"Ok, feel free to share when you're ready, but first a toast." I say, raising my glass into the air.

"A toast to..." Tia says, giving me a curious look.

"Um...I dunno. A toast to friendship?" I say with uncertainty.

"How about a toast to... "Chilling" as you call it." She suggests.

"Yeah a toast to chilling with a close friend." I say with a warm smile.

"To friendship" she says, raising her glass.

"And chilling" I add, tapping her glass with mine. We both went bottoms up after that. I stopped halfway through and coughed a little. Celestia drinks all of hers and looks at me with a flat brow.

"Are you alright?" She asks, a faint smirk on her face.

"Yeah...that's some strong stuff." I say, clearing my throat a few times.

"Amateur..." Celestia mumbles with a smug look.

"Yeah whatever you say marshmallow." I grumble, making her giggle.

"Hmm... Not bad. However nothing beats the taste of Equestrian wine." She comments.

"Is that so?" I say, sipping on my drink.

"Mhmm" Celestia says with a nod. I raise the bottle to her cup, and she acknowledges with a nod, so I pour her some more. She thanks me and starts to sip on her drink.

"You know... That's gotta be the lamest thing I've ever toasted too."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah right up there with 'To Having fun with puns' and 'To smashing and dashing' " I mumble. Celestia blinks in surprise and starts to laugh.

"That second one is so relatable." She says.

"SAY WHAT?" I blurt making her laugh harder.

"I could never date without the entire country finding out so..." Celestia admits with a shrug.

"Understandable..."

"What about you?"

"Well... I kinda went through this phase once, where I basically had sex like my life depended on it...." I answer awkwardly. Celestia blinks a few times and averts her eyes.

"Oh, um that's very...interesting, she says her cheeks turning a faint shade of red.

"Yeah...it was strange, especially when the girls kept trying to talk to me after the dash part. I think I was good at it." I say, more to myself.

"Huh." Celestia says giving me a blank look as her wings extend ever so slightly. I chuckle and kick back a bit.

"So I have a question for you oh powerful sun goddess." I say, looking down into my glass.

"Shoot." She says, resting her head on my chest and looking up at me.

"So if you raise the sun in your dimension and Luna raises the moon... Who is doing it now?" I ask curiously.

"Hmm....I can only think of one who could." Celestia says, raising her head and tapping her chin.

...Meanwhile in Equestria…

Atop The sun Princess's balcony Stood the Captain of the Royal guard, With her signature purple armor and a 1000 yard look as she stares off at the horizon. The complete disappearance of Equestrian leadership was a horrifying disaster. Everything was disorganized and hectic for almost an entire week. Not to mention the fact that the sun and moon were no longer following their routine, instead just sitting there motionlessly in the sky. It was a mess… A mess that was now resolved thanks to the captain's efforts.

Everything has since calmed down, the council is running things for the time being and the Citizens are no longer speaking of the apocalypse or claiming that the worst has happened to the lost princesses; although some are still more worried than others... Namely the 5 remaining Elements of Harmony.

Captain Gleaming Shield has settled in with her new routine Between her normal duties, dealing with politicians, and making executive decisions, THIS part of her day was always somehow the hardest... A small spec in the horizon started to grow as it rapidly got closer to her. Gleaming sighed and shook her head, taking a deep breath and preparing herself for the coming mental assault that usually follows.

Discord, The Lord of Chaos finally lands behind her, using his horns like helicopter rotors slow down and return to normal as he dusts himself off.

"You're late...again." Gleaming says calmly.

"And a good evening to you as well Captain." Discord says with a frown as he crosses his arms.

"Stop being late. Ponies schedules depend on this you know." Gleaming scolds.

"Okay, okay, sheesh; You're such a nag you know that, If you didn't make me come all the way over here I could do it a lot sooner you know..." Discord whines as he pulls out a tissue out of nowhere and wipes his eyes off dramatically.

"Yeah...last time you did that the sun was literally smiling at me, and the moon had a big fat plot." Gleaming mutters with a twitchy brow.

"What, I can't have a little fun?" Discord says as he tosses a multitude of objects in all directions, toys, cards, rubber chickens the whole deal, all the while snickering at the memories.

"We have very different ideas of fun Discord." Gleaming says with a flat brow, he snaps his finger and the objects clean themselves off into another dimension.

"Oh?" Discord says, coming next to her and leaning down.

"Having it rain chocolate milk is fun, giving citizens three heads is not fun." Gleaming says with a glare.

"Wait… So I can make it rain chocolate milk?" Discord says, his beady yellow eyes lighting up and rubbing his hands together with a malicious smile.

"No..." Gleaming says with a blank look.

"Aw." Discord says, his head literally deflating. Gleaming rolls her eyes and clears her throat.

"Anyway, Can you get on with it?" Gleaming asks stepping aside.

"Right...the whole move the giant ball of fire and the huge cold lifeless rock thing." He mutters as he cracks his fingers and sticks his tongue out with a determined look. Gleaming watches with a bemused expression as Discord cracks the rest of his body, making her question his bone structure . After that he slowly raises his hand and snaps his fingers. The sun and moon instantly swap places and everything was immediately shrouded in pitch black.

"Sheesh… You could at least make it gradual." Gleaming mumbles with wide eyes.

"Meh." Discord says In a disinterested tone.

"Well guess that's it then...thanks again" Gleaming says with a relieved tone.

"Glad I could be of assi-" Discord starts to say before his ears twitch and burst into flames. Gleaming watches with wide eyes.

"Uh...is there a reason for that?" Gleaming asks sheepishly.

"Somepony is talking about me." Discord says as he puts out the flames with his fingers in a comical fashion.

"Huh." Gleaming says, staring at the lord of chaos wordlessly.

"And I think I know who." He adds, narrowing his eyes.

"Who then?"

"It has gotta be Celestia, because whatever is being said isn't good." he grunts.

"Celestia..." Gleaming mumbles as she stares out at the horizon silent. "So far nopony has seen any sign of them, nor did any of my search teams turn up with anything... They're definitely not in Equestria anymore, hay, probably not even on the same planet." Gleaming says grimly.

"Or dimension." Discord adds. Gleamings heart sinks slightly and she turns back to Discord.

"If that's true... Then it's going to take a lot of magic to get back." She says worriedly.

"Indeed it will, but I have faith in the Princesses, we just have to hope they didn't get transported to the dimension of tentacle monsters or something." Discord says with a snicker. Gleamings eyes go wide and she shudders at the mere thought of it.

"Hey do me a favor Discord." Gleaming says seriously.

"Hm?" He says raising his brow.

"See if you can find out what dimension they may have landed in" she asks.

"But...there's literally an infinite amount of-" Discord starts to say until he looks at Gleamings hard stare

"I'll start searching..." He finally says.

"Thank you...Discord." She says facing back toward the horizon. Discord sighs and like a balloon he starts deflating and flying around in circles around Gleaming and exploding into a ball of light leaving Gleaming alone on the balcony.

"Twily... Where ever you and the others are...I hope you're alright. I miss ya sis..." She says out loud with a half sobbed sigh and teleports down from the balcony into the courtyard below. She heads back to the barracks to clean up and turn in for the day night.

...

Now laying parallel to each other on our stomachs, Tia and I were about halfway through the bottle now. It's definitely hitting me harder then it is her, she looks 100% sober and she had more than me! Bearing in mind it's a big ass bottle.

"Woah woah so...this fucker made it rain chocolate milk, turned the clouds into bubble gum, made all the corn..."pop", gave all the rabbits freakishly long legs, turned the ground into checkered tiles... And... And just wow." I say, my mind completely blown.

"Yes, that was him before he was reformed." She says, giggling at my reaction.

"Wait so When he took your tail..." I started to say but I stopped when I saw her pouring herself ANOTHER round.

"Uh...shouldn't you slow down?" I ask worriedly. She raises her brow and stares at me.

"What? Are you a lightweight?" She asks.

"Uh...no. I just think you may have...had a bit too much." I mumble.

"This drink isn't very potent, I'm not even buzzed." She says with a flat brow.

"Oh...heh" I say, looking back at my drink.

"You on the other hoof." She says, smirking at me.

"What..." I say, half laughing.

"How many hoofs am I holding up?" She asks as she raises one hoof.

"Two." I answer. Celestia uses her hoof and pushes my face away, making me roll on to my side.

"You're drunk Derrick." She smiles, shaking her head.

"Tia I was kidding." I say, laughing as I roll back.

"Sure you were..." Celestia says, sipping on her drink again.

"You were holding up one… I ain't no light weight… This shit is just stronger than what i’m used to." I say.

"To you." She says, taking a large gulp.

"You definitely aren't a lightweight though." I say, patting her back. She looks at me with a furrowed brow.

"So you’re saying I'm fat?" She asks, eyes narrowed.

"Oh, no, no, no of course not." I say, with a smirk as I rub her back. Her brow raises slightly and her eyes soften. "You're not "fat" per say, but you certainly do have a certain... thickness to ya." I say in a smooth tone that makes Tia blush. "Especially around here." I say as I slide my hand down to her thick ass. I squeeze it hard and my fingers easily sink into her flesh. She lets out a loud yelp and snatches my hand away with her magic.

'Bruh, you... totally… have to hit that shit'

If you were a physical extension of my body I’d slug you right now...

"Derrick...that was..." Celestia says trailing off, her cheeks crimson.

"I… oh shit I'm sorry Tia." I say as I realize what I just did to her. "It was stupid of me to just...grab....I'm really sleepy and..." I sputter, trailing off with flushed cheeks.

"It's ok..." She says quietly. I do a double take and look at her with pinprick pupils.

'Jackpot. Jack....fucking... Pot'

SILENCE YOU!

"It is?" I say in shock. Celestia slowly nods her head and averts her eyes.

"Remember when I said there were still some things bothering me?" She begins, staring at her glass.

"Yeah...what about it?" I ask, my attention fully on her.

"Well...while I do hope we return home to Equestria, there is a part of me that dreads that day."

"Dread? Why?" I ask. Celestia closes her eyes for a few moments then turns to look at me.

"If we leave...I may never see you again." She says grimly. I blink a few times and stare into my glass. She wraps her wing around my waist and gently pulls me next to her. "I've grown quite fond of you Derrick, its taken a while for me to fully realize that." She says.

"Exactly... How fond..." I ask carefully. Celestia blushes again and looks me in the eye.

"I'm... Not quite sure to be honest..." She says, gazing deeply into my eyes. I can see her kind , benevolent spirit almost... Calling out to me?

"Well...maybe we'll find out in a few minutes." I say as a raise my hand to her cheek and start to rub it as I stare into her bright and beautiful magenta eyes.

"Wha...what do you mean?" She asks, her ears slowly flattening.

"Well I have a bit of a confession too." I start to say.

'What? What confession?’

"A confession?" Celestia says in a distracted tone, her eyes still firmly locked on mine.

"Well I have to admit I'm a bit fond of you as well Tia." I say.

'Um...wait a second.'

"You're the most beautiful and elegant creature I've ever seen. And I think I'm already past the whole pony thing, in fact....I don't care anymore." I say, grabbing her hoof tightly. Celestia's wings twitch and she covers her face with her other hoof.

'Am I hearing this? Hold on a second?'

"Your personality shines brighter than the very sun you control, and you have the voice of an Angel." I say, rubbing her soft cheek as a wave of heat emanates from her body.

'Who are you and what have you done with Derrick?'

"Although I'm not sure how far my fondness for you extends, But..." I admit.

"But?" Celestia almost chokes as her eyes water.

"Remember when we were in the car and you claimed that I wouldn't be... up to a kiss" I say with a half lidded expression. Celestia stars at me her hoof shaking slightly as I inch closer to her face.

"Yes? What about it?" She asks timidly.

"Well...what would you say if I...WAS...up to it?" I ask. Celestia and I stare at each other wordlessly for a few moments.

'You were kidding right? You're not ACTUALLY up to it… WHERES THE DAMN BRAKE HANDLE?!'

"I would say...lay one on me." She answers in a sultry tone.

I closed my eyes and pulled Celestia to me and our lips finally met. Her lips were warm to the touch, as was the rest of her body which was rapidly heating up the entire room. I ran my hand through her sparkling mane as we tasted each other for what seemed like an eternity until we had to break away to breath.

'What the actual- you know what? I'm done for the chapter, fuck it. Bye, Nice knowing all you readers!!! CYA! Internal Narrator checking out now!'

We pant Heavily as I collapse next to her on the bed.

"You are SO drunk..." Celestia says between breaths.

"I guess so, regardless, you're pretty and nice. I say.

"Thank you Derrick..." She says, her cheeks warming up again.

"No thanks required marshmallow." I say with a long breath. We lay next to each other in silence for a while and I start feeling drowsy.

"Derrick?" Celestia calls out.

"Hm?..." I mumble tiredly.

"There's something else you should probably know."

"Huh?"

"You see...there's this...phase... That every mare goes through."

"Mhmm..."

"And this...um phase...will be..erm.. happning soon for me"

"K."

"I was wondering if you'd maybe... Help me with this...phase when the time comes."

"Sure whatever..."

"Thank you Derrick"

"..."

...

...

...

"I love you Derrick."

"..."

"Derrick?" Celestia says, looking over at her human friend, who she quickly realized was fast asleep. She smiled and shook her head, kissing his forehead gently. She watches Derrick's chest rise and fall steadily with a happy smile. She wipes the tears from earlier off her face and lays her head down. She slowly closes her eyes... Only for them to snap open again when she hears the sound of hoofs behind her.

She turns her head to see Cadence walking over, she lays on the bed on the opposite side of DJ and nods slowly.

"Cadence?" Celestia says, looking at her niece in confusion.

"That was really cute and adorable auntie." Cadence says as she picks up Derrick's unfinished glass and downs it without a flinch.

"How much did you see?" Celestia asks, narrowing her eyes, As Cadence starts to rub her hoof through Derrick's hair in an oddly calm manner.

"Oh I saw plenty Auntie. I saw Derrick go out of his way to cheer you up, I saw you two talking and genuinely enjoying each other's company." Cadence says calmly. Her neutral look hardens slightly when she continues. "I saw you two finally admitting to each other that you're a bit more than just friends..." She says, her eye twitching dangerously. "And finally... I saw you two pucker up and-"

"-Kiss..." Celestia finishes for her, giving Cadence a hard look that wasn't getting returned.

"Yes, I saw you two... Suck faces, and I must say that you have much to improve on Auntie." She says calmly. Celestia could feel herself heat up a tad from that comment. "And might I add a poor attempt at informing Derrick that you'll be in heat in a few days, as well as the rest of us." Cadence adds harshly. Celestia's eyes narrow as Cadence laughs.

"Ah...I saw a lot of things Auntie, and you know what? I'm actually proud of myself for setting aside my feelings to allow genuine Romance to happen!" Cadence says as she stops stroking Derrick's hair. "But no more...I've come with a warning." Cadence says in a dark tone.

"A warning?" Celestia asks, eyeing her niece cautiously.

"Yes. A very simple one." Cadence says, a cruel smile curling onto her lips.

"And what would this simple Warning be?" Celestia asks, bits of anger slowly rising.

"Back off now, and it won't hurt as much to have your heart crushed when he chooses me over you." Cadence says with a straight face. Celestia blinks in surprise at the nerve of the pink princess.

‘I only just came back for something I forgot, thought I'd see how things were going and woooowwwww this escalated quick.’

Fuck you...

‘HEY I TOLD YOU TO STOP!’

Fuck… You.

‘Good luck with that bro.’

"I'm not backing down Cadence, I love hi-" Celestia says defiantly before being sharply interrupted.

"SO DO I!" Cadence snaps, her calm composure melting away. "You see...you and I are going to have some problems..." Cadence states. Derrick has a stressed look on his face as he starts to sweat in his sleep. Cadence runs a hoof across his face and makes a gentle hushing sound. He stirs a little and Cadence leans closer to his face. She makes sure Celestia is watching before letting her tongue snake out, slowly licking upward across Derrick's cheek. Derrick moves his hand to his face and sluggishly opens his eyes.

"Cadence?... What are you....did you just lick me?" He asks in a groggy tone, as he rubs his wet cheek. Cadence gives Celestia a look that says "Watch and learn" before pulling Derrick in for a passionate kiss. Celestia was feeling a very intense mix of emotions she wasn't familiar with, as she stared down her niece who was sending Derrick to another universe with her kissing ability. Rage? Jealousy? Greed? Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't being helped by Cadence staring into her eyes as she kissed Derrick. When she pulled away Derrick sat with red cheeks and complete confusion.

"Um...what's even happening?" DJ asks, completely clueless.

"Go back to sleep Derrick." Celestia says with a calm smile.

"Yes Johnny, go back to sleep." Cadence says, sharing Celestia's smile. Derrick looks between the mares in confusion until he gives up and plops his head back down on the bed. The mares wait for his sleepy breaths before speaking again.

"You do realize this means war my young niece" Celestia says, glaring at Cadence seriously.

"Yes. And I say, bring it on auntie." Cadence says with a confident smirk.

...

Notes: Surprised to see this? Heh funny story...

I originally said I was going to work on a rewrite for my other story and that there wouldn't be a new chapter of this for a while.

We lied. - Fusion

I had the idea for this chapter in my head so I just rolled with it. - Solid Poison

I planned for this to be short and told my editor it would be around 2000 words.

I lied...

Damn right you did… - Fusion

I also stated that Shining Armor didn't exist or never met cadence. - Solid Poison

I lied...

Kind of… Not really. >_> - Fusion

My editor brought up a while ago that having him be rule 63 would be better than just not having him in the story at all. So I rolled with it :3

This chapter is a whopper and is definitely put fuel in the fire if you ask me, revealing alot of good and bad stuff to come.

There will probably be more smash bros another time don't fret. (Writing it was honestly a pain tho, because of how much bullshit actually goes down in a match of smashbros so no promises)

As for a Halloween chapter... I originally wished to have one come out in time but I know that ain't gonna happen, just know that I'm still doing one, it will just be a bit late. Same goes for Christmas as well.

Sorry this chapter got delayed but my editor and I have been really busy (him more than me). In the time in-between I entertained some story ideas that I've had in the vault for a while so don't be surprised if you see 2-3 new ones pop up eventually. I still plan to focus on this one though. Until next time!

HELLS YEA! - Fusion

Chapter 11: OUCH

I slowly open my eyes and I'm met with the blurry image of my ceiling fan slowly turning above me. As my vision gradually cleared I noticed how soft my pillow truely was; wait… It’s not always this soft, in fact it normally feels like sleeping on a rock... Also, why is it so furry, squishy, warm, and...pink?
Pink…
...
Pink…..
...
'Wait a second...’

Since when have I had a pink pillow?

…

‘Hold the phone a second there buster! I know something pink AND furry’

…

Oh god no… Please don’t let it be…

I slowly raise my head and turn it to investigate this strangely soft pink pillo- it’s cadence's ass. I sit up and see her laying next to me fast asleep. My mind immediately starts to race as I try and piece together why the fuck she's in my bed- WAIT; why am I in this bed again? When I see two glasses along with an empty bottle on my dresser I start to panic.

‘Oh… Right… Depression kit.’

SHUT UP THATS NOT HELPING! Please… For all things holy, tell me I didn’t do what I think I did!

‘SEND US A SIG- wait; why am I approving I’m the polar opposite of you...’

You're not helping things here!

‘Hey...you made that assumption first pal!’

As I quietly argued with my subconscious A wavy mass of rainbow colors pops into my peripheral vision making me turn left to see Celestia laying next to me with a warm smile.

“Good morning...Derrick~” she says in a tone that was...odd. The worst part was i don't know what was odd about that tone it just...was.

“M...m...m-morning Tia.” I stutter nervosuly. She does a lighting quick movement with her wing and I'm suddenly tucked next to her. I blink in suprise and produce a high pitched yelp as she squeezes me a bit too tight.

‘Your man card… Now. It was just revoked.’

Man fuck you.

‘You first.’

“Did you sleep well on your pink pillow buddy?” She asks cheerfully.

“Uh… I guess so…” I flinch slightly as I put my hand to my head, mumbling slightly. I want to make a formal complaint; dear hangover, I hate you with a firey passion that rivals this mystical pony that now has me in her wing grasp. You can shove a spiky phallus up yours. Sincerely - Derrick.

“You're in a really good mood...for some reason” I decide to point out as I watch her closely. She giggles and gives me a loving nuzzle which was also...odd.

Red Flag Count: 1

‘Noted.’

“Yes you've given me lots of reasons… especially last night “ she says with a smirk.

“…”

‘RED FLAG, WHITE FLAG, BLUE FLAG, GREEN FLAG, ALL THE FLAGS- PANIC AT THE DISCO!!!’

“Derrick…”

“No…”

“Derrick?”

“Hell no…”

“What's wrong.”

“FUCK NO”

“No what?”

“We didn't…”

“I’m highly confused?” Celestia asks with a puzzled look.

“Tia...what happened last night? you're in an oddly good mood, cadence is here, knocked the fuck out; there are empty wine glasses everywhere… AND AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE “ I start to say with a horrified look. Celestia’s eyes widen temporarily, then she starts to snicker behind her hoof. “And that's certainly a bigass bottle Tia!” I add.
“Oh we didn't do what you're thinking Derrick.” She assures.

“Oh thank god…” I say with relief. Celestia pouts and lightly bumps me.

“You say that like it would be the most dreadful thing...” She says with sad eyes.

“Question… Do you know what the word “Taboo” means… Not that I think I would… mind-” I pause as I realize what just did. “Ya’ know what imma just shut my mouth.” Celestia gets the most smug look I've ever seen in my entire life.
“It wouldn't?” She asks, narrowing her eyes some.
“I have to piss…” I say, shooting off the bed. I practically dive into the bathroom and slam the door shut behind me.
‘You're a dumbass’

How am I the dumbass?

‘Why would you say that?’

Because it's true! She's actually kinda sexy and…

‘...’

Oh…

‘Congratulations Derrick… You’ve reached an all time low… So low, its lower than Rock bottom. How do ya feel?’

First of all she's a pony, second-

‘Pony fucker!!!’

Hey! You technically qualify as one too!

‘...riiiiightttt.’

Thought so. Just shut the fuck up and let me drive OK?

‘Fine...we never had this conversation by the way.’

Can't hear you! Driving!

I walk to my sink and start brushing my teeth the moment the brush reaches my teeth I hear a knock a the door.

“Are you alright in there?” Celestia asked.

“Tia, its only been a minute...calm your Tits.”

“Its actually been one minute and...27 seconds and only you can do the second thing.” She somewhat snaps back.

“27 seconds… Wait what??” I blurt. She doesn't say anything after that so I just clear my throat. “Gonna take a shower.” I say. When I still get no response back I shrug and finish brushing my teeth then hop into the shower.

Why is she being so… Clingy today? She's almost set the high score for weirdness in a record breaking two-minute-window, the previous record holder being Cadence. At least she's asleep right now.

Anyways; weirdness aside… What the hell happened yesterday? I don't remember much… Just being happy about something. Celestia and I were having a good time then something happened. I'm not sure what but I feel like crushing weight was lifted off my shoulders. As long as we didn't bang I'm fine not knowing for now.

I finish my quick shower and push my curtain aside to reach for my towel, and…

… I stare square into a set of purple eyes...

‘Cadence is up!’

NO SHIT…...

“Good morning DJ!” She says with a smile. As she stood barely 3 feet in front of me.

I can feel my cheeks heat up.“Good m-morning, WAIT THIS IS BAD!… Why are you?” I start to say but she interrupts me… not with words per se… But with the not so subtle motion that she made with her eyes toward my junk. I rip the shower curtain down to cover myself as she gets the really creepy dominate look.

She has a confident smirk, a look that sends chills down my spine, her predatory gaze suggested she was going to eat me. Her wings were now fully erect at her sides and her tail was up and swung back and forth slowly.

“WHAT THE HELL CADENCE!?” I yell as I trip on the drain plug fall onto my back and bump my head on the wall of my shower.

“Whats wrong DJ?” she asks in the most innocent tone as she takes a step towards me.

“WHATS WRONG?” I blurt as I rub the back of my now pained head, my brows practically raising to my hairline.

“Yeah… you look… NERVOUS~” she says, a malicious smirk forming on her face.

“HELL YEAH I’M NERVOUS!” I squeak. She giggles and I feel that familiar tingle as I'm paralyzed with magic. She raises me up and pulls me in for a hug which promptly makes me flush with embarrassment.

‘Right now I would be asking for that mancard to revoke it for all eternity, but then I realized that I’m stuck here with you…’

FUCK YOU!

“Oh I'm so excited for our date tomorrow DJ!” she says, rubbing against me with a friendly smile. Then she pauses and gives me bedroom eyes. “It looks like you're just as excited as I am…” she adds suggestively. When I start feeling contact that I shouldn't be feeling below I yelp and try and push her away from me.

“Ok, hey thats lovely! Glorious even!” I stand up with the curtain wrapped around me like a toga I push her chest as she slides across the bathroom floor on her ass. “Now get your pink ass out of here!” I demand with wide eyes as I stiffle a moan.

‘You ain't going nowhere boy! Her royal thunder thighs has denied thine request.’

Ohhhhhh bullshit! We'll fuckin see about that shit!

“oh...now you've gotten me excited too.” cadence says with a blush, as she pushes herself back into the bath room, loosing my footing she falls on top of me.

“Getchur’ ass off me!” I start to feel a really warm, sticky, sensation below… and I can tell ya right now it ain't me….fucking...GROSS!

“OK that does it.” I say, grabbing her horn firmly, making her yelp and her eyes go wide. I Feel her muscles relax enough for me to pull away from her and I do just that Cadence sits there with a dazed expression as I grab an actual towel to dry myself. This shit is nasty, it’s like the slime an alien excretes!

“EweweweweWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” I repeat, quickly wrapping the towl around myself and rushing out. The first thing I do is sprint to my underwear drawer… Only to find it completely empty.

…

…

…

“Why!? WHAT THE BITCH IS THIS?!” I shout in outrage before something on the bed catches my attention. I look to see Tia sitting on my bed with a pile of my underwear. She has a pair of my boxers in her hoofs and she brings it up to her nose and inhales deeply, she exhales with a satisfied sigh and a look of bliss as her wings twitch at her sides. I stare at her wordlessly and she looks at me and pauses.

“Oh I apologize… They just smell so-” I cut her mid sentence.

“GIMME THAT!” I shout as I snatch thepair out of her hoofs to her suprise. She looks at me with wide eyes as I proceed to throw the bed cover over her face and put my boxers on in a lightning fast movement. Tia removed the cover from her head and looks at me with an expression I can't read. I'm sure that the blank look I'm giving back to her is just as unreadable because we sit there for a good 30 seconds before Cadence bursts into the room.

‘She looks pissed.’

HOW ARE YOU CALM IN THIS SITUATION?!

I feel a bead of sweat roll down my forehead as we all sit there quietly. I decide to state the obvious because I suppose it's better than awkward silence.

“Well this is awkwa-”

“Auntie! Don't hog them all too yourself!” Cadence suddenly blurts as she glares at Celestia. She frowns back at her niece.

“Mine…” Celestia practically hisses. Next thing I know Cadence pounces on the bed, and starts trying to snatch the underwear from Tia. I think it's a sad day when you have to watch a Demi-goddesses and a goddess fight over your boxers… Today has- and for once I can say 100% that this day has not gone the way I envisioned… Quickly amidst the turmoil I grab a pair of shorts and quietly slip out of my room.

When I close the door I immediately put my shorts on and lean against the wall, my legs collapse I sit to catch my breath. I quickly notice that the incoherent yelling was completely absent, replaced by what I can only describe as...aggressive whispering?

“I suppose you thought you were slick little one…Sneaking into the bathroom with him…” Tia hisses with an unbelieveable amount of venom.

“Closer than you've ever gotten…” Cadence retorts with almost an equal amount.

“...”

“And its also why I will be his first!”

“I admire your confidence my niece but I'm already several steps ahead of you... “I scramble to my feet and slowly back away from the door with a horrified look.

Th...they want to peanut butter in my jam!

‘What else is new? Shit man you are slow...’

QUIET YOU!

I put a hand to my forehead and slowly descend the stairs. Today is going to be a very bad day. I just hope the others aren't acting weird too. Speaking of the others, I notice Luna's tail sticking out on the end of the couch.

I quietly walk downstairs and walk over to see her layed out on the couch with a Wii u controller laying on her belly. The adorable sight brings a smile to my face while also confirming my theory that she stays up playing while everyone is asleep. I move over to her and carefully pick her up.

“Thou can... shove thine blue shell up thine rectum... you obese plumber…~” she mumbles in her sleep. I takes all my willpower for me to not bust out laughing right then and there. I starts to slowly make my way over to her room as she mumbles more things.

“Almost… there…” I mumble to myself out loud only to hear the sound of my front door opening making me freeze dead in my tracks.

“Yo! DJ? Where ya at? I wanted to know if you wanted to-” Austin starts to say until he sees me and stops. Only one line of thought goes through my brain.

IM FUCKED.

‘Cya next week.’

Luna's asleep! Which probably means that the disguise spell isn't in effect! Austin's grin slowly fades and he stares at me emotionlessly. I imagine I look weird being half naked while holding a blue pony Princess in my arms who's actually drooling a little bit on me. Infact, it probably looks weird regardless of whether the spell is on or not.

“S...sup man…” I say nervously. Austin narrows his eyes and folds his arms.

“Not much...I see you've been busy playa hater…” Austin quips. Before I can reply I feel Luna stir in my arms and I look down to see her slowly opening her eyes. She yawns then blinks a few times before realizing I was holding her.

“Unhand us immediately Derrick…” she says with a frown.

“OK.” I say simply before dropping her right on her ass, making her yelp. Austins eyes widen and his arms drop to his side's. I've never cringed so hard in my entire life. I didn't mean to drop her THAT hard! She rubs her bottom with a frown and slowly looks up at me with pure death in her eyes.

‘Warning, Heat level critical!’

What have I done…

“Uh...are you…” Austin starts to say before a loud sickining crunch is heard. Next thing I know I can't feel my nuts. Austins eyes go wider than I've ever seen the before as he slowly backs out. “I'll…” He stutters his eyes the size of pinpricks. “I-I’ll, uh...come back later… YEAH I just remembered! THE RENTS DUE, CYA!” he slams the door. I clutch my sack in pain and fall onto my back.

‘It was at this moment Ace ventura had nothing on the scream that eminated from that house…’

“She… she punched me in the dick why… why did she punch me in the dick…?” I plead in a voice thats 5 pitch levels higher.

“Thou dare drop us!?” Luna snorts in my face.

“I didn't mean to!” I squeak. “I swear- Jesus crist… I'm going to be pissing my nuts out...” I plead, a tear of pain dropping from my eye. Luna snorts and swats me with her tail as she walks to her room and slams the door shut, I hear it lock a second later. Eventually my front door slowly creaks open and I see Austin standing there with pinprick pupils

“You OK man?” He asks as he cautiously walks back in.

“NO…. NO I AM NOT OK.” I yell as I clench the rremains of my shattered boys.

‘Rest in peace testicles. 1994 - 2016’

“Shit man… I'm sorry, you need to go to the hospital?” He asks as he offers his hand to help me up.

“No…” I inhale while he hoists me to my feet. “Admittedly, this is like the second- maybe third time. First time was almost fatal.” I say, I dust myself off my lower torso throbbing in pain.

“Huh… and here I thought my ex was a ballbuster...” Austin shivers slightly while shifting in his seat.

“Nah she's a real sweetheart when you get to know her… Trust me.” I say. Austin just shrugs and I shake my head. “They all are…” I add.

“Whatever you say man, not like I'm putting myself on the market; by the way, are you busy? Besides erm getting “busy” of course…” Austin says, a hint of mischief on his face.

“No, not really- WE DID NOT!” I say firmly.

“You're acting like it's a bad thing…” Austin says with a blank expression. His blank look spreads to my face.

“It...is?”

“Your man card…now” he says with a frown. I slap my forehead and sigh.

‘For the record, I agree with the guy’

NOT HELPING!

“Just what do ya want?” I finally ask.

“I need help getting my bike down, wanted to dust her off and perhaps cruise later if the weather stays clear.” He says.

“Oh right, that thing weighs a ton…” I say remembering his bike. It was a Ducati something…

“Actually it's around 380 some pounds...nowhere near a ton.” Austin corrects.

“You know what I meant…” I mutter. Austin chuckles and I start to walk out my front door.

“Uh...aren't you forgetting something mate?” Austin says with a flat brow.

“What?” I ask cluelessly.

“For Fucks sake man… put on a damn shirt.” He grumbles. Under normal circumstances I would have just gone upstairs to get a shirt. But considering sunspot and Cupid are still up there.

“Nah I'm good…” I say with a nervous smile. Austin gives me that cold blank stare of his.

“I swear you get weirder every time I go on leave…” he says, walking out after me, shaking his head. we both start the short walk to his house.

…Meanwhile...

Upstairs, Celestia and Cadence were quietly plotting, sitting not even a foot from each other on DJ’s bed. His boxers were now strewn across the room, some on the bed, floor, there was even one comically spinning around on DJ’s ceiling fan. the pair eventually gets thrown by the fan and ends up landing on the tip of Cadences horn. She lightly snorts and it eventually falls off her head and onto the bed.

Cadence sits upright on the bed with her tail curled next to her. she was starring at the wall deep in thought about her current predicament. her usual aggressive flirting tactics didn't seem to be working anymore, she decided to try a more subtle approach this time. she figured now that derrick is used to getting her usual undivided attention that he would notice her suddenly giving him less attention.

Celestia sat on her haunches on the other side of the bed facing the other direction. she was also deep in thought about the very same subject. she felt that her subtle tactics weren't going to cut it against someone as aggressive as Cadence, so she decided that her best course of action was to be abit more aggressive with her advances.

The mares planned in peaceful silence until they heard something that immediately got their attention. they heard the sound of something large hitting the floor followed by a loud yelp from Twilight. Celestia and Cadence’s ears perk up and they both turn to each other with wide eyes. a moment later both of them bolt out of the room and straight into the hallway bathroom, which is where the sound came from. a few moments later Twilight slowly opens the door with her tired red pinprick eyes, sheepishly holding DJ’s tablet in her magic.

“What happened Twilight sparkle?” Celestia asks worriedly.

“Yeah are you alright?” Cadence asks.

“I...I was reading and I… may have… dozed off… I didn't mean to…” Twilight starts to mumble incoherently. that's when cadence notices the screen on the tablet looks completely shattered.

“Uh oh...” Cadence says with wide eyes.

“I really didn't mean to drop it!” Twilight says with a sniffle. Celestia steps over to Twilight and wraps a wing around her and rubs Twilight's forehead with her hoof.

“Twilight as your teacher and close friend, might I suggest taking a break from the Internet?” Celestia says with a raised brow.

“Not like she has much choice now…” cadence points out as she brings the tablet close to her and cringes at the damage.

“But Princess… “ Twilight starts to pout.

“You look absolutely exhausted dear. The Internet will still be there waiting for you after some rest.” Celestia says Calmly.

“But what about DJ? I have to tell him that I broke it…” Twilight starts to say with worry.

“Don't worry about him...I'll explain what happened.” Celestia says with a smile. Twilight seems to calm down some as she lets out a long yawn.

“Yeah don't worry your pretty little head About it Twilly we'll take care of it” Cadence says. “Right auntie?” Cadence says, glancing at Celestia.

“Indeed. Now get some rest.” Celestia says. Twilight nuzzles them both and has a tired smile.

“You two are the best! I'm going to go bed in the sleep now…” Twilight says as she tiredly walks into her room and closes the door. Cadence giggles quietly and Celestia just rolls her eyes with a light smile. Something in the bathroom then gets their attention and the two alicorns find themselves curiously walking into the bathroom. On the counter next to the sink was Twilight's notebook…

You know the one where Twilight has been taking notes about DJ for the past month or two?

Yeah that’s the one…

Cadence picks up the book and has an uncertain look as she turns to Celestia, who was sharing the same look.

“We should give it to her...right?” Cadence asks carefully. Celestia thinks for a moment before answering.

“Yes it's the...right thing to do afterall…” Celestia says with a nod.

“Then again… She is supposed to be sleeping right now…” Cadence says, a slight grin on her face.

“You're right...we certainly wouldn't want to disturb her…” Celestia says, the grin spreading to her face.

“One quick peek wouldn't hurt...right?” Cadence says next.

“Temporary truce?” Celestia asks.

“Yep!” Cadence says with a malicious grin. The two alicorns immediately sprint into DJ’s room and lock the door. They jump onto the bed and giggle excitedly as they place the book on the bed. Between them. They pause just before opening it to look at each other. Cadence starts to get a nervous look.

“What is it?” Tia raises a brow.

“Maybe we shouldn't do this...it could have negative consequences. “ Cadence starts to say. Tia gives cadence her signature “Are you kidding me?” face and Cadence turns back to the book. “You're right...buck it, here goes nothing.” Cadence says, her malicious smirk returning.

The two mares open up the book and stare closely at it, their tails slowly starting to swing back and forth behind them. They skipped the first couple pages because for the most part it was stuff they already knew about DJ, but as they got to the later pages things got much more…interesting. By the time they finished they both had wide grins and their wings were twitching at their sides while their tails swung back and forth a bit faster.

“Knowledge is gold my bekoved Neice...” Celestia says.

“Indeed it is auntie…” Cadence agrees. Cadence was about to close the book but Celestia stops her.

“There is more…” She says.

“Oh you're right.” Cadence says, skipping a few pages and arriving at a new section.

“This section seems to be about DJ’s Friend…” Celestia says. They both take a brief glance at each other then turn back to the book.

“We may as well take a look...who knows...this could become useful in the future.” Cadence says with a shrug.

“Indeed..” Celestia agrees. The two princess’s decide to read on, their tails still swinging back and forth behind them ever so gracefully.

…

“I told you not to lift it like that dude…” Austin says with his hand on his head shaking it back and forth.

“I thought I had it!” I grumble as I rub my back in pain. Austin facepalms and slowly shakes his head while looking directly at the ceiling.

“You idiot… You're lucky you didn't break your back right then and there..” he says.

“Getting a huge deja-vu from this.” I grunt.

“How so?” Austin asks curiously.

“My back was fucked up before Tia healed me” I say then I instantly smack my forehead, I could hear the audience in my head applauding.

‘Nailed it’

“Excuse me?” Austin says, his pupils barley visible and his brow practically on the ceiling.

“Uh...I mean...I uh..” I start to stutter.

“Ohhhhhh wait! I see! she gave you one of those sexual healing session things, huh?” Austin starts to say with a surprisingly straight face.

“Oh for fucks sake…” I facepalm.

“Hey! Your secret is safe with me…” he says.

“Dude it was a fucking MASSAGE!” I blurt. Austin looks up from his bike and gives me a look of disbelief.

“For it being JUST a massage, you're being quite defensive there pal…”

“I'm serious!”

“Kay’ whatever ya say buddy.”

I grumble and start to pinch my nose.

“So is there anything else you need help with?” I ask.

“No, not really… What you can't hang?” He asks before getting that smug look again. “I forgot you have to go back to your Bai” Austin says.

“Oh God just fucking kill me now..” I groan.

“Hey! That could be arranged ya’ know!” He pauses with a smile on his face. “Oh alright, i’ll stop; but know that I have way too much fun with this.” Austin finally says, chuckling too himself. I roll my eyes and fold my arms.

Sighing aloud. “ANYWAYS… I was thinking of stopping by the mall to pick up some shit, kinda overdo…” I mutter as I lean on the wall.

“Let me guess...the latest call of duty and or halo with just a pinch of Sonic 2006?” He asks raising his brow.

“We do not speak of that game…” I flat brow completely before leaning on his bike.

“Ah you know I'm kidding… But knowing you I nailed your tastes.”

‘You know, hes got most of that totally accurate.’

“Uh...no…?” I say with a sheepish smile.

“Get what you gotta get mate, I've got work to do Anyway. It's been a while since I've started her up.” He says, going back to examining his bike. As I look at it again I remember that it's a custom ducati 848 evo.

Originally his first motorcycle was an old Honda Magna- as I recall he called it the most Retro thing on two wheels. Over time and each time he got his leave he'd put a bit of money to a new bike; when it came the day he finally had enough he sold the Magna, I remember the day he originally got the 848; the first thing he did was custom paint it, and spent his remaining time off- and many other days off customizing it from some thing as small as the throttle grips to things like an entire engine swap. Never had I seen a wider grin on that guys face. The guy loved thst bike like it was his child. A smirk comes to my face as I remember when he tried to get me to ride the damn thing…

“Uh...DJ?” Austin says looking at something behind me. I blink a few times and quickly realize someone very warm is holding me.

“Hello there~” Celestia swoons her voice. I feel a drop of sweat drip down my forehead as she wraps her arms around me.

Arms…

Arms?

…

‘She's in her anthro form you tw-’

SHES IN HER ANTHRO FORM! WHY!?

“Ahrrrm” Austin clears his throat rather loudly… “Morning you two…” he says politely as he looks at me with wide eyes. What's with that look?

‘Look up mate, there's a storm overhead- 100% chance of tits.’

I slowly look upward and I'm blinded with the two huge gigantic squishy melons that were Celestia’s tits.

“Sup…” I say with red cheeks and pinprick pupils.

“Oh, not much…” Celestia says casually. I feel her hand lightly grip my belly and I start to shiver.

‘Fan service here is top notch…’

“Hi Austin!” I hear Cadence say from behind Celestia. I raise my brow slightly when I notice how distant she was, I wonder why…

“Hey Cadence…” Austin replies, turning back to his bike.

“So uh...what brings you two here?” I ask as I tightly grip Celestia’s arm and attempt to move it but I always forget the whole fuck you I'm an alicorn thing.

“Oh we just wanted to check on you..” Celestia says rubbing her hand across my abs. I get a twitchy brow and I start to pinch Celestia’s arm. Instead of letting me go her grip tightened making me shiver even more.

LET ME GO DAMMIT!! I scream in my head slowly turning to glare at Celestia. She just looks down with that sexy smirk of hers. What happened next will most likely scar me for life.

“No Derrick…” I hear Tia's voice ring in my head. At that point I turn completely pale and my pupils are so small that they were practically nonexistent.

‘Uh….you heard that right?’

NO SHIT!

“Oh who is this?” She says in my head.

‘She can hear us! No...sudden...thoughts’

…

…

…

You know I would be enjoying this if she wasn't marehandling me in front of my best friend…

‘YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE JOB DAMMIT’

“I think you're forgetting something auntie..” Cadence says calmly. I'm surprised she's not the one rubbing on me right now, what the hell is up with these two-” I stutter for a moment as Tia pulls me tighter for a moment. “FOUR MELONS AHOYYYYYYY OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!”

“Oh right…” Celestia says, suddenly letting me go. I take a large step away and let out a sigh of relief. Austin just simply shakes his head and continues what he's doing. Cadence appears to be hiding something behind her back.

“Alright, what happened?” I ask folding my arms and raising my brow.

“Well...ya see…” cadence starts to say.

“Twilight damaged one of your devices…” Celestia says bluntly. I blink in suprise and slowly lower my arms.

“Uh...which one?” I ask nervously.

I swear to god if it's the Xbox I'm gonna flip a shi-

“Your tablet…” Cadence says as she moves it from behind her back and shows me. The screen looks completely and utterly shattered.

‘Probably should have invested in a otterbox case..’

I see that…

“Is that your subconscious speaking?”

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD TIA!

Tia covers her mouth with her hand and starts to quietly giggle to herself. I roll my eyes and walk toward Cadence. She holds the tablet out to me and shrinks slightly.

“Welp this thing is fucked…” I say, turning it in my hands carefully.

“You're not mad right?” Cadence asks sheepishly.

“Eh, I've been meaning to replace this old thing anyways. I can probably do that today when I'm at the mall.” I say.

“Do you mind? Lemme see that…” Austin says, standing up and holding his hand out. I shrug and give it to him, he pushes the powerbutton the startup logo appears on screen. “Eh, It’s only a broken touch sensor... I could just fix this you know...it would be a lot cheaper..” Austin suggests.

“Nah.”

“Mate, just because you have plenty of money to spare doesn't mean you have to blow it all… Way we were trained in the marines is if it still works; even slightly use it till it doesnt...” Austin says with a deapan look.

“You can fix it if ya want, but I'm getting a new one anyway…” I say.

“Whatever bro… I’ll fix it up and change the ROM.” Austin says shaking his head and setting the tablet down on top of his workbench.

“You're planning to go to the mall?” Cadence asks.

“Yeah…” I say with a flat brow.

“Can I come?” She asks next, forcing a sigh out of me.

“No…” I grumble. the face Cadence gives me next makes me feel like I nuked every single cute and cuddly creature on this planet… one nuke per animal.

“Please?” she asks me her eyes slowly starting to water. come on DJ… you can do this...you just have to BE STRONG ARMY STRONG, oh… wait; Shit! Nevermind… All ya gotta do is just tell her there is no way in the firey depths of hell that she is NOT going to the mall with you!

…

Wait that doesn't seem right…

‘you fuckin pussy, seriously… You motherfucking pussy… you cheap ass h-’

I GET IT ALREADY AND HOW CAN I NOT SAY NO TO THAT FACE! LOOK AT IT!

“Sure why not... “ I say with a sigh. I feel a set of arms wrap around my waist tightly and suprisingly they did not belong to the pink menace but to princess sunspot herself. She snatches me up in a hug which put my face in the perfect position to-NOSE BLEED!

“May I accompany you as well derrick?” Tia asks in a musical tone.

“Y...you can do whatever you want princess…~” I mumble as I start to get a stupid grin on my face as I feel drops of blood flow from my nose.

“Oh, For fucks sake I'm.Right.Fucking.Here.Dude!” Austin flares his arms in the air to no avail. “HEY YOU’RE BLEEDING ON MY GARAGE FLOOR!” Austin snaps.

“Maybe we should get going…” Cadence suggests.

“Indeed…” Celestia says, letting go of me making something amazing slide past my lip. I stand there in a trance as a stream of blood slides down my chin and to the floor.

“Oh come on man! Really...?” Austin complains, pointing at the pool of blood on the floor. Cadence sighs and starts to walk out followed by Tia...and my ey-LOOK AT THEM CHEEKS, SWIGGITY SWOOTY COMIN FOR THAT BOOTAY!

“DJ…”

“...”

“DJ!”

“...”

“HEY!!! HORNDOG!” Austin shouts in my ear making me jump.

“Finally… welcome back from magical pixie land...” Austin says with a bone melting scowl.

“What happened? “ I ask cluelessly.

“You’re a perv... That's what happened. I swear if you don't stop eyeballing the goods you'll be bleeding to death on my damn floor.” Austin quips.

“Ah fuck off…” I grumble as I locate a box of tissues and clean the mess on my lip and the floor.

“DJ…” he looks at me briefly for a moment. “We’ve been over this before...You know I dont swing that way…, now then joking aside, before you run off with them and get your wallet murdered, what did ya do with my toolbox?” Austin asks raising a brow.

“The wha?” i ask with a flatbrow.

“You heard me…I need my toolbox which has my torque wrench and keybolt for my bike.” Austin says getting that look of annoyance every time I do something stupid. I start to slowly walk out of his garage and I feel his irisis burning into the back of my head.

“It’s uh...in my garage...somewhere…” I say with a nervous smile.

“Somewhere… Please tell me you didnt lose it; did you?” he asks his eye twitching slightly.

“Well ya see...”

“Dont even start with that shit!” Austin says firmly.

“Look I just havent seen it in a while” I admit, he sighs and slowly brings his hand to his face before sighing aloud.

“Whatever, just leave your garage open and go, I’ll find it myself...” Austin says.

“Ok captain!” I say with a smirk.

“Not a captain, and dont forget your box of magnum condoms mate...”

“Oh my god…”I grumble, I hear Austin laughing from his garage and I roll my eyes.

“AND A SHIRT!” I hear him call out next.

“THANKS MOTHER!” I shout back.

“YOUR WELCOME JOHNNY!” Austin shouts at the top of his lungs, I pick up the pace and continue to walk down the block to my house. I open my front door and duck to avoid a pair of Tia arms attempting to snatch me into another hug.

“Are we going now ?” Cadence asks.

“Yeah just let me get a shirt…” I say as I run up the stairs. Tia makes a pouting sound as I go into my room and quickly select a shirt. I also slip on one of my thin hoddies incase mother nature decides to be bipolar later. Making sure I have my keys, wallet, and a pair of shades I pause on the last step when I see Luna poke her head out of her room. We give each other blank stares as I calmly walk away like I never saw her; quietly I open my front door and walk out.

I close the door and lock it behind me, then walk over to the driver side of my car. I reach my hand out to open my door but a weird grunting sound makes me stop. I look at the passenger side to see Tia and Cadence wrestling for the front seat.

“I called it!” Cadence whines.

“That may be so but, I declared the front seat territory long before you stepped hoof in this vehicle!” Tia says back. I adopt an emotionless look as I fish a quarter from my wallet, promptly I tap the roof of my car getting the girls attention while holding the coin between my index finger and thumb. The girls stop and watch me curiously as I roll thr coin over my knuckle flawlessly and lay it flat on my thumb; pausing for effect I suddenly flip the coin and slap it on my palm. I move my hand and see that the coin landed on heads.

“Cadence, sit up front. Tia, get in the back.” I say simply before putting it back into my wallet.

“HA!” Cadence shouts triumphantly as she squeezes into the seat leaving Tia standing there with her mouth agape.

“That's not fair…” Celestia says with a frown as she looks down at me, her wings twitching at her sides. I say nothing, I just stand with my arms folded giving her a firm glare. At first she just glares back at me but her look soon collapses, she starts to get a nervous grin as her ears fall flat.

“Now tia…” I say calmly. She sighs in defeat and I open the back door for her to step in, she does so quietly. I walk around the car and open my door and quickly slip inside, closing it behind me. When I'm inside I see Cadence blowing raspberries at Tia who sits with her arms folded.

“Nyaaaa!” Cadence teases.

“Cadence…” I say calmly.

“Hm?” She pauses.

“Keep rubbing salt in the wound, and soon enough you'll find your candy ass will be right beside her… Permanetly.” I Say. She raises her hoof to protest but stops midway when she sees my stern look she shrinks in her seat. I take a deep breath and put the key in the ignition.

‘wow…’

What?

‘You should do that more often! I'm impressed!’

At this rate, its like trying to bail the ocean; I give it five minutes before they start their shit again… I just hope my remaining shreds of sanity will be intact by the time we get back- at least enough to where Austin won't notice…

I start the engine and pull out of my driveway when I see Austin casually walking toward my house I remember to press the button on the garage opener, I see my garage start opening I give him a thumbs up before I start heading down the street. I glance at Cadence and she's red in the face trying not to make eye contact with me a bubbly smile on her face, I look back at Tia has the same look as Cadence.

Huh....

This is going to be a weird day at the mall…

…Austin’s P.o.V...

I wave to Derrick as he drives off toward the mall. I have a slight grin on my face when I think about the chaos that is going to ensue at that mall. Dealing with those two seems like a headache. Speaking of those girls…

“Rest in peace ya’ poor S.O.B…”

‘I swear… The more I begin to think about what DJ said and how he met these girls the more concerned I become; how and when did you meet them DJ..? Where are they from, aint no place I’ve been deployed has women that perfect… More importantly, why is Derrick even letting them stay at his place…’

The last time I’d come back Derrick was having serious financial difficulties from which he needed assistance from me for a while… due to rather unforeseen- obscene events with his ex that changed him forever. I sigh aloud.

“So many questions; So little time to process them.”

“Eh… perhaps I am just overthinking things again…” I pause for a moment. “There’s nothing wrong with opening his home to a “friend”... And her sister... and her niece… And another fri- Yeah ok-; Yeaaahh No matter how I’m putting this, this sounds fishy as fuck… there’s no denying that.”

Something’s not right here; I’m getting a weird gut feeling about this crap, but what could it be, perhaps they are blackmailing him, nah… DJ isn’t that kind of guy… GAH WHAT COULD IT BE!? Shaking it off and recollecting my thoughts I walk up Derrick's driveway my thoughts slowly drifted to yet another thing I’m suspicious about… That Celestia chick seemed awfully attached to DJ, in a way that seems to encourage my thoughts about possible blackmail. Nah… That’d never happen, in fact Celestia made it pretty obvious that she’s into him… Her body language was flawlessly giving it away, albeit DJ is oblivious as hell, as per usual- I wonder if they’re dating… then again, oblivious DJ… Scratch that.

Once again, yet another dilemma that doesn’t link up with the situation, DJ hasn’t exactly been in the dating scene for a while, that and he acts like he doesn't even want to be in the same room as her, which I find oddly strange considering how attractive she is. She seemed pretty fun to be around too, if yesterday was any indication; and then of course there was that one thing... DJ’s WEAKNESS per say.

His weakness is a nice pair of melons and boy howdy does Celestia have a nice pair of those in stock. He was practically eating out of her palms earlier! Although my time in the Marine corps got me front seat access to a few fly by flashes, I do appreciate a nice set at times, Although, I’m more of an ass man.. Which Celestia also has…

Shaking my head to shake my focus back to finding the toolbox; looking around at first glance at the nearly barren shelves there’s no obvious sign of it which warrants me to search further into the garage. Pushing DJ’s weight set out of the way of some shelves, my thoughts once again drifted to the girls he’s taken in…

I have to simply admit they all have nice set(s) with cute faces and asses galore to boot but I still can’t help but wonder how the others he's seen less of as of late, Twilight and Luna seem like they behave and respect his rules, well... minus the instant vasectomy DJ received earlier from Luna. Hmmm, Luna seems like the strong silent type, I continue to think about it as I hear the door creak open I immediately freeze; slowly I turn my head to see that Luna has opened the door.

“G...greetings.” She says nervously, blinking in slight surprise I wave slowly before smiling and continuing my epic quest for my torque wrench within a sacred red toolbox… that has been missing for … 6 months... Luna slowly steps out from the doorway and walks next to me and tilts her head slightly.

“What art thou doing?” She asks me I stop instantaneously, looking up to her with a completely confused look. Luna’s eyes widen slightly and she cringes. “We- I mean, What are you doing?” she quickly corrects herself. Seeing no alternate way of going around this awkward situation, I blink a few times while coughing into my fist to clear my throat.

“Just… uh… Searching for my lost toolbox… DJ said it was in here somewhere...” I grunt while pushing a shelf out of the way before pausing again. “Then again considering this is DJ we’re talking about… It’s likely to be anywhere from this very room, to the dark side of the damn moon.” Luna raises a hand to her face and giggles.

“That is true… he does not seem to be the organized type...” Luna says as she casually sits beside me.

“Honestly, I doubt that word even exists in his vocabulary…” I quip with a wide grin. Luna starts to get into another fit of laughter as I sigh aloud. “Well shit, I don’t see it…maybe it’s in the house for some ungodly reason…” I say with a rather annoyed tone.

“I could assist you in your search...” Luna offers. I think about it for brief moment before saying the figurative ‘Fuck it’ I offer my hand to help her to her feet; she takes it happily before turning a bright shade of red… Well then I definitely know where she stands on the food chain…

“Nah… I think I’ll just wait until DJ comes back.” I say before dropping my arms and turning on my heel to walk out of the garage.

“Where art thou going?!” Luna blurts making me stop dead in my tracks, I turn around to face her once more, I believe I now have the worlds most confused expression on my face, I flatten my brow, she flashes a sheepish smile. “What I meant to say where are you going?” She corrects herself, I stand there, blinking silently for a few moments before pointing my thumb back towards to my place.

“You… talk weird; and I’m heading home...” I say sheepishly before folding my arms once more. “Is there something you need?” I tilt my head curiously

“Actually…” Luna starts to say, looking back to the garage door and rubbing her chin. “I could use your help with something.” She says, opening the garage door and going back into the house. Sighing aloud I drop my arms and begin to follow after Luna; that is, before I almost ran my head into the doorway, being tall sucks... what can I say.

“With what exa-” I ask; as my foot loudly collides with something metal, instinctively I would’ve sucked it up but the other side of me said this.

“HOLY FUCK JESUS CRIST THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.”

I cringe before reaching down to my foot, I stop before I touch it to look straight at my big red tool box, my eye starts to twitch. Luna stops and turns to me.

“Is something wrong?” she asks.

“Right here…”

“Wha?”

“Are you kidding me right now, seriously?” My eye twitches wildly.

“I don’t...follow...” Luna has a concerned look on her face.

“FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY IS IT-” My voice increases in volume as I begin to shout I stop short, instead I facepalm and pinch my nose. I inhale slowly and turn to Luna whose eyes are now pinpricks. “Sorry about that...but this is just… ugh. What exactly did you need help with?” I ask in the calmest voice possible all the while sighing loudly, Luna enters the living room with me in tow and stops in front of the TV.

“I want to play the Xbox instead of the Wii-U but I don’t know how to set it up...” Luna says pointing at the blank TV screen.

‘Oh how cliché, a girl who doesnt know how to fix technology… Joy...’

“Hmm...” I walk over to the TV and lean my head to the wall pressing it so I can get a clear view behind it to look at the cables running into it, I pull myself away from the wall and begin rubbing my chin. “Ah, this is a simple switch, just swap the HDMI cords from the Wii to the Xbox.” I mumble quickly before going to work.

“HDM, whatsit now???” Luna says, her head tilting in utter confusion.

“Just a sec…” I begin to twist the TV’s on its stand allowing me full access to the cords in the back, a quick swap of the cable outputs from the Wii and the Xbox followed by a switch of the audio jack connections, in a matter of minutes I’m done. “All done and ready to rock.” I say with a confident smile, admiring my handy work.

“HUZZA!” Luna exclaims before immediately covering her mouth with a weak yipe. I’m taken aback slightly as I turn to Luna with slightly wide eyes.

“Jesus calm your tits…” I say making Luna giggle. Luna picks the controller up and uses it to turn the TV on.

“DJ was telling me that you were quite skilled in this…” Luna says as the GTAV loading screen spins as the loading screen snapshots roll by slowly. “Could you give me some… Pointers?” Luna asks. I cannot help but scoff slightly before shaking my head.

“Unfortunately, no; Consoles were never really my thing, I was more of a desktop gamer.” I say with a semi-proud smile. Luna gives me a puzzled look and squints some.

“So you don’t use this to play?” Luna asks, pointing at the TV.

“Nah, they stopped updating content on that particular console-; oh.” I realize That’s the style of the Xbox isn’t curvy like the 360. “Uh, belay that, That’s one of those newer Xbox’s, heh stupid me. ” I reply with a sheepish smile. “You know… Now that I think about it, I loaned my laptop to DJ...” He adds as he looks around. “You wouldn’t mind helping me search for it would ya’? I kinda want to login and play now..” I say with a slight smirk.

“Can I watch you play?” Luna asks.

“Sure, I don’t see why not.” I watch as Luna jumps up and down with a whole lot of excitement. When she smiles she makes that “squee” sound, my jaw drops slightly and for the umpteenth time I end up blinking in an emotionless glare. I look around with a combination of confusion and worry. “Uh...did you hear that or is my hearing going- or am I going cra-” I start to ask-.

“HUZZA!” Luna exclaims again, catching me off guard again. I sigh.

“Where did you find these girls DJ...” I mumble to myself as Luna catches me off guard and runs over to me and LITERALLY dragging me by my arm.

“LET US BEGIN THE SEARCH!” Luna declares loudly.

“OW! OW, OW, OW, OW!!! I am in desperate need of a drink!” I exclaim in pain before being forcibly dragged away on an adventure to find my laptop…

Author's Note

HI GUYS/GALS! Sorry I kinda’ fell off the face of Earth. No really, it was insane what I (WE- Fusion) had to do to get back-AHEM anyways…
I said that chapter 10 was going to be the last chapter I’d released before I started writing/releasing some of my other projects including my OC’s story and the Misadventures of DJ rewrite (which I might rename.) as well as some other things. But of course this happened albeit very late this chapter happened.
So for real this time, next thing I release will probably be the things I listed above or something completely new (HE’S SERIOUS GUYS! – Fusion). That doesn’t mean I’m stopping this of course. (I won’t allow it. – Fusion)
the reason this one took so long is a combination of my life things(work), my editors life things(harder work), my maybe playing video games instead of writing, and me writing a BUNCH of other stuff in the background simultaneously. I mean seriously… combined… I’ve written a lot of shit. Hell, I paused in the middle of writing something just to write this note! (Hey bro, it was a nice thing to do for the readers! – Fusion)
Besides the Misadventures rewrite and my OC’s story,( Which I have at least 2/4 solid chapters for...EACH) I have my rule 63 one shot story that I’m going try to finish. On top of that I’ve been playing around with the idea of a sonic crossover but after at least 5 different concepts, I’m just not sure about that...let alone if anyone would even want to read that shit (mostly that - Nos). I also started writing down some of the ideas that I’ve had floating in my head for a while, some of which go somewhere and some just go *fart noise*. Long story short… if I release some shit out of the blue… then this is why. I don’t want to go into too much detail with my side stuff because I’d hate to get someone excited for something that i just end up dropping.
Oh right...and there is that other thing that might happen soon. I’m supposed to be joining the Military so I will likely disappear from the writing scene for quite a while... It all just depends on what happens after basic but for now I plan to continue when I return to land the interwebs. (GOD SPEED MATE! – Fusion)

I swear, I never know what to write here but then I end up with a wall of text. I suppose y’all deserved some sort of explanation after all this while...then again… ya’ probably just forgot about me anyway :p I’m not keeping my side stories exactly classified, feel free to ask if ya’ want but for now, until next time.

Oh and a HUGE shout out to my editor on this one. I thought this shit was funny before but, as per usual he came and bumped the comedy up to 11! References everywhere! Can you catch them all?
Fusions side note of a side note: I’m always watching you… Everywhere.

Chapter 1: Wait seriously?

Chapter 1: Wait seriously?

I have a decent life now. I've moved out of that crappy apartment and said goodbye to my annoying roommate forever. I got a huge promotion at my office job and with it came many new things. For one, my work schedule became less cluttered, due to me working from home now and my salary has grown enough to fully support my junk food and video games among other things, with plenty to spare. Now I'm living in a 4 bedroom house, and driving a decent car. But despite all this new stuff... I still felt kinda....empty.

You see, I'm not the most social person in public. I'm not nessecarily antisocial, I'm just not the guy to seek out and initate conversations. So because of this I don't have an abundance of friends. Honestly I'm not sure if that's the reason for my empty feeling.... It could be a lot of things.... My horrible dating life...my lazy habits.... The fact that my damn house literally has 3 unused rooms....so you know what I did? I bought a cat and gave him the most cliché name I could think of.

His name it tom...

He's an irritating black fur ball, that drives me up the wall sometimes, but I still manage to love him somehow. Despite this, I still feel somewhat empty....like something is missing in my life. Maybe I'll figure it out one day but for now I have more important things to worry about. When I pulled into my driveway I noticed something strange.

The window to my bedroom was WIDE OPEN! I don't fucking remember leaving it open! When do I ever open the Windows anyways? Now I bet my room is full of all kinds of Bullshit bugs, and birds and whatever else managed to crawl in there. I grumbled with annoyance as I grabbed my bag and unlocked the door to my house. When I stepped inside things got even more strange.

It was really dark in the house...not a single light was on and I'm sure that I always at least leave the living room light on because I hate walking into a dark house. So I navigatted across my living room and turned the light back on. I was greeted by Tom.He stared at me indifferently, swishing his tail slightly.

"Did you leave the window open Tom?" I ask jokingly as I give him a gentle pet to which he responds by puring. I chuckled to myself and walked to my kitchen. I'm so lonely that I talk to my damn cat expecting him to respond. As silly as it it I feel like he understand me sometimes, something I think all pet owners relate too.

When I entered my kitchen I noticed more... off... things. Several of my cabinets were left open and when I looked in my fridge I noticed all my lettuce and grapes were gone. After seeing that, there is no doubt that someone is here or has been here. I need to search the house...and close that damn window before Tom gets any ideas and starts frolicking on the fucking roof or something.

I started closing the cabinets and stopped when I heard a loud bang and the sound of breaking glass come from upstairs. Then a second later I heard Tom meow loudly. Fucking cat broke some shit....again.

I started to slowly walk up the stairs. I'm still a little paranoid that someone broke in but in reality I'm pretty sure I forgot that I left shit open as usual, besides nothing is missing besides my food. I reached the top of the steps and walked down the hallway past some of the unused bedrooms until I reached my room. The hallway was dark, my room was dark, what's with all the lights being off?? I stepped into my room and turned the lights on. The lights in my room are really bright so it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust and....wh....what the fuck?

I walked out of the room, waited a few seconds then walked back in.

...

Nope its still there...

I walked out again just in case. But despite my hopes, the purple unicorn was still standing in my room above a broken lamp. It sat completely motionless, staring at me like a deer In headlights. I slowly reached into my pocket to get my phone. The moment I even moved the purple unicorn started to shiver. I'm probably seeing shit but regardless of whether someone took a small horse painted it and glued a horn to its forhead, or there is a real purple unicorn in front of me, I'm calling animal control.

The unicorn started persperating and hyperventilating which I find somewhat strange for a horse. Then the inicorn opened her mouth.

"Um...hi there....."

...

No...

No no...

No no no..

Hell no!

That thing did not just talk!

"Sorry about the lamp..."

...

Yep. Calling the police now.

Before I could call anyone, I heard a loud swoosh come from behind me. I quickly turned to see what appeared to be a.... blue horse? I didn't get a good look because barely even a second later it whipped around and a dark blue hoof slammed into my forehead with a loud thwack. My head snapped back and I immediately lost touch to the world around me, passing out before I even hit the floor.

...

Oh my god my head hurts like hell.... What was that? I slowly opened my eyes, my vision was blurry and my head was throbbing. I groaned in pain and looked around. I was in one of my chairs in what appeared to be my living room. My vision finally started to return and I could hear mumbling.

"Is it awake?"

"Yes. ...And it is a HE Princess Luna!"

"I still can't believe you knocked him out... Was that really nessecary?"

"Yes! we believe that our action was completely nessecary Princess Cadance!"

"I think you gave it... I mean him a concussion!"

"Twilight Sparkle was in danger!"

"If anything you were a danger to him sister, you could have killed him..."

"We were not concerned about the creature's well being at the time..."

I was still dazed and confused but now my vision was back fully. And what I saw wasn't very reasureing for my sanity's integrity.

"What....the...hell?" I exclaimed aloud. The 4 figures crowding around me paused. Then they started talking again.

"It talks?"

"I think we should introduce ourselves.."

"Ok!...I'll go first!"

One of the four figures stepped out of the darkness and I gasped in horror. A purple unicorn walked up to me, smiling nervously....why the fuck is this thing smiling at me?? Hell why is it even existing? Did I divide by zero?

"Hi! Im Twilight Sparkle! What's your name?" The unicorn said politely. I stared at it in shock for a couple seconds blinking a few times. Then I started to laugh nervously.

"Ok this is obviously some weird ass dream...." I said out loud to myself. Then the rest of the figures stepped out revealing more fucking talking horses. I jumped in surprise and realized that I couldn't move because I was tied to the chair. I started hyperventilating when I saw that I wasn't tied with rope, but a strange dark blue energy around my wrists. I pulled and struggled with it, only getting more scared with every failed attempt.

"What the hell is going on???" I demand to no one in particular. Then one of the unicorn things stepped forward. This one was tall....like super fucking tall...it made the others seem like mere ponies, hell it was probably taller then me! It had a white coat and pink hair, and magneta eyes that seemed to calm me down slightly. I repeat slightly, this is the weirdest shit I've ever seen in my entire life. I think that I would have awoken already if this was a dream.

"Allow me to explain. I am Princess Celestia, co ruler of Equestria.." She said in a calm manner. I noticed that there was a crown on top of her head. Great....a ROYAL talking unicorn princess.... This shit just keeps getting better and better...

"My faithful student Twilight Sparkle has already introduced herself..." She said as she gestured to the purple unicorn. I nodded sheepishly and kept staring silently.

"This is my niece, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, or just Cadence for short..." Celestia said, gesturing to the pink unicorn. She looked just as scared of me as I was of her, but she managed to smile at me regardless. I flashed the best freindly smile I could and she blushed.

"And this is my little sister, Princess Luna..." Celestia said gesturing to the dark blue unicorn, with light blue hair. She stared at me with a suspicious frown. This one is definitely different from the others. I'm getting all kinds of bad vibs from her and she was the only one that made me legitimatly worried for my safety. And also...wait a second.... That bitch kicked me in the face!

I stayed silent but narrowed my eyes, which only served to make "Luna" look angrier.

"Our arrival in this world was the result of a spell that was cast incorrectly. This home, which I assume belongs to you, was the closest structure to us, so we seeked shelter here..." She explained. I furrowed my brow for a moment.

"Uh....how the hell did you get in through the second story window?" I interrupted. Without saying anything Celestia, Luna and Cadence extended pairs of wings. I gasped again and jumped in my seat.

"F.....f....fucking wings....you have fucking wings..." I sputter with horror. Celestia said nothing, as I started to get nervous. I'm being held captive by 4 talking unicorns and 3 of them have wings! Wouldn't you be a LITTLE scared???

"I originally planned to apologize to the owner of the home for intruding but Luna had...other plans...." Celestia said as she shot her sister a stern look. Luna just rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"I assure you we mean you no harm..." Celestia said with a reassuring smile. I couldn't help but scoff at that.

"You mean me no harm? Oh that's wonderful... Because I feel so safe after being knocked the fuck out, then strapped to a chair with...whatever this blue shit is..." I quip with a frown as I gestured to my tied wrists. Celestia looked sad at my statement, as did the others except Luna, who obviously didn't give a shit. They looked at each other sadly, then Celestia shot Luna another look.

"Release him Luna..." Celestia ordered. Luna looked at her sister like she was insane.

"Release him???"

"You heard me..."

"But... But....sister... What if he..."

"Now..."

Luna looked extremly frustrated. She opened her mouth like she was going to argue but instead she sighed in defeat. Her horn started glowing and suddenly the weird blue things around my wrists disappeared. I immediately shot up out my chair, knocking it over, scaring Twilight and Cadence. Luna narrowed her eyes and started walking toward me. I frowned and balled up my fists. Luna was about to charge at me but Celestia put a hoof in front of her to block her.

"Wait..." Celestia said calmly. I stood there ready until there was a flash of pain in my head. I wincd and moved a hand to rub my forehead. Celestia lowered her hoof and started walking toward me, Her face unreadable and her intentions unknown. My eyes widened and I took a nervous step back. Unfortunately the chair was there so I ended up tripping over it, to Cadence's amusement. Now I was on my back scooting away as she walked around the chair, her horn now glowing a golden color.

"S...stay back..." I whisper as I start to shiver. Then I bumped my head against the wall behind me. Oh crap....

I'm trapped.

Celestia stared down at me indifferently, easily towering over me. Her horn started to glow brightly and I raised my arm to shield my eyes.

Welp ... Killed by a talking winged unicorn princess.... Thats a shity way to go in my book..

Then I started to feel this strange sensation warmly washing over me. It honestly... felt kinda good! The bright light faded and Celestia was still standing over me. Except this time she had a warm welcoming smile. I blinked a few times in confusion then I jumped again when she stuck her hoof out. Apparently she wants to help me up. I doubt that she can actually lift me but I accepted her offer and reached out and grabbed her hoof. I wasn't prepared at all for what happened next.

She effortlessly lifted me off the ground and onto my feet, using one leg! It was honestly kind of jarring...

"Oh I apologize... Sometimes I dont know my own strength..." She said with a giggle. Ok...so she's stronger then me....yep...just keeps getting better! Now I'm left feeling...strange.

"W...what did you do to me?" I asked worriedly.

"I simply used a healing spell to ease your headache..." She said with a smile. My eyes widened and I realized that I was still holding onto her hoof very tightly.

"Uh...thanks?" I say sheepishly as I let go of her hoof. We stared at each other for a few moments.

"So....healing spell huh....." I start to say as I rub my forehead.

"Yep! Your headache should be gone!" Twilight cut in.

"There is no way that actually...wor-" I started to say before I realized something. My head doesn't hurt....like at all.

"What the actual fuck..." I muttered with shock. I stumbled back and bumped against the wall again.

"Magical motherfucking unicorns with wings....that can talk..." I said to myself as I put both hands on my head. They all simply stared at me while I started having a mini freak out episode.

"They fucking...talk...." I say as I start walking toward the kitchen area. I open the fridge and stare into it.

"Ate my fucking food..." I say as I stared at all the missing things.

"Another thing that I apologize for..." Celestia said from the living room. I ignored her and tried pouring myself some juice. I couldn't do it because my hand was shaking all over the place. The ponies walked over from the living room and watched me with concern except Luna who watched from the living room uncaringly. Celestia noticed me struggling to pour the drink and sighed.

"Let me get that for you..." She said. Then her horn glowed again and the jug and the glass turned gold then poured itself. Then the cup just floated gracefully into my hands. That was pretty much the icing on the cake.

"N...n....no....impossible..... No...." I stuttered, drooping the glass of juice accidentally. It broke on the floor making Celestia frown.

"One moment..." She said as her horn glowed again. Then the shattered glass turned gold and started forming back together before my eyes. Then just like that it was restored. Now I was hyperventilating and sweating profusely.

"H...how..." I whispered.

"With a simple reversal spell of course! It works by setting back time in a small and localized area-" Twilight happily explained before Cadence jammed a hoof in her mouth.

"I don't think thats helping things here Twilight...." She said sheepishly. I sat there on the floor basically in the fetal position. My hand was shaking so much that instead of drinking the juice I somehow managed to spill it all over my shirt.

"Are you....alright?" Celestia asked with a nervous smile.

"Yeah....I...I'm good....j...just freaking out a little.... About magical talking horses.. " I stutter as I sit there rocking back and fourth. "Oh god they really talk...' I say with a shiver. The horses looked at each other sadly and started talking among themselves.

"I Think we should seek shelter elsewhere..." Celestia said sadly.

"Yes...let us leave the pathetic thing behind sister.." Luna said with a laugh.

"I wouldn't call him...pathetic...but we're obviously scaring him" Cadance said sheepishly, blushing slightly.

"Awww... Do we really have to go Princess Celestia?" Twilight pouted.

"Yes my faithful student, I'm afraid so... We shouldn't stay where we're not welcome..." Celestia said as she began walking past me toward my front door. Celestia opened it with her....magic and the others followed her out. Twilight left with her head down, Cadence watched me sadly and Luna ignored me completely. Celestia stopped before exiting.

"I'm sorry for any trouble my companions and I may have caused..." She said sincerely before gently closing the door.

And they're gone.

I shakingly stood up and stared around the empty room. Did all of that really happen? Tom leasurly made his way down the stairs and walked up to me. He started rubbing against my leg and looking up at me.

"Come here you little shit..." I said as I scooped him off the floor to pet him. He purred and rubbed against me streching out and relaxing in my arms. I've always found it strange that animals like being pet so much. Dogs will go through hell just to get pet once by you.

"You're supposed to hold down the fort Tom! Why did you let those horses in my house?" I ask like I was expecting an answer. Great... Now I'm talking to everything... Next I'll be saying something stupid like.... What's up ceiling? How's the weather up there?

Speaking of horses... The really left! I wonder where they went? I placed Tom on the floor, much to his dismay and started walking to the window right next to my front door. I moved a curtain aside and adjusted the blinds.

"Oh my god..." I whisper, then I rushed to my door and opened it. Sure enough, it was just as I feared. The 4 of them were at my neighbors house, knocking on his fucking door!

"Nonono!" I said as I sprinted out of the house and on to my driveway.

"Hey!" I shouted loudly waving to get their attention. They all turned and looked in surprise as I ran across the street.

"What the hell are you doing???" I demand as I came next to them.

"Oh we were simply going to ask your neighbor if we can-" Celestia started to say.

"NO! Are you fucking nuts? Get back in my house!" I ordered. They all looked at each other with uncertainty, then nodded in agreement. They quickly ran across the street and into my house...except Luna.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???" I said with frustration.

"We do not take orders from thee creature..." She said defiantly as she stood her ground. I exclaimed in frustration.

"I don't have time for this crap..." I muttered as I went behind Luna and pushed her toward my house. She looked back at me with wide eyes.

"ART THOU MAD?!?" She yelled.

"MOVE!" I say loudly. Luna looked like she was about to kick me again but I heard the neighbor's door making an unlocking noise. Luna looked back at me with worry.

"Trust me...you need to run...now!" I whisper. Luna narrowed her eyes and lowered her head.

"We will comply, just this once..." She said before finally running toward my house. Then my neighbors door swung open, the light from inside illuminating me in the darkness. I stared like a deer in headlights.

"..."

"Derrick?"

"Um...sup?"

"Is there a reason you're yelling and knocking on my door at 10:30 at night?"

"Uh..I had a little to drink...or something..."

...

"Get out of my sight..." My neighbor grunted in annoyance as he slammed the door. I sighed in relief, then hightailed it back to my house. I ran inside and slammed the door, resting on it and breathing heavily.

"Holy shit that was close.." I muttered as I wiped sweat off my forhead. The horses were all staring at me in confusion as I tried to catch my breath. I took a deep breath and turned to the girls.

"Ok...listen...you cannot do something like that...like ever again.... You can't let any other humans see you guys!" I started to explain.

"Why not? And...you're a HUMAN?" Twilight asked, then her eyes lighting up and her smile almost popping of her face.

"Yes I'm a human... But seriously don't"

"OH WOW! I've read about humans before in history books but I never thought they were REAL! I have so many questions! How com you stand on two leg-"

"Please... let him finish Twilight Sparkle..." Celestia said as she covered her mouth with her hoof. Her ears drooped and she sat down to listen.

"As I was saying... Dont let anyone see you! They would freak out!"

"Um...that doesn't seem that bad..." Cadence said.

"...Until they flip a shit and call the authorities! Like I almost did..." I finish with a sigh.

"But... Couldn't we just... Explain our situation? I'm sure they would be rational and understand..." Celestia said with hope.

"I dont know how things work where you come from, but I know for a fact the police wouldn't let a talking magical unicorn with wings explain shit. Once their initial freak out has passed they'll restrain and capture you..." I say with a serious expression. Luna scoffed and shook her head.

"Thou art a fool if thy thinks the Princess of the Night can be restrained so easily..." Luna said confidently. I looked at her and deadpanned.

"Well...if you don't believe me go outside and knock on someone's door... I won't stop you" I say seriously. Luna narrowed her eyes and I continued.

" I'm sure your magic wont protect you forever... I doubt it would be long before my government has you disected on a lab table..." I say coldy making the others cringe. That statment must have cut deep, because Luna's hard exterior crumbled. She sat down with a forlorn expression and looked away.

"W..why would your government be so cruel?" Cadence asked with watering eyes.

"Because there is no such thing as magic, talking animals, or unicorn horses with wings?" I said as I walk to my couch and sat down. "They would want to see how you work. Its still not defiant that they would do something like that, but I wouldn't risk it if I were you..." I say honestly. Then the room fell silent. They came over to my living room area and sat in various spots.

"So...does this mean that we can stay?" Celestia asked curiously.

"I guess... For tonight..." I said with a shrug. Then I leaned forward in my chair.

"You said that a spell was cast incorrectly right? So if you do it again... the right way, can it send you back?" I ask curiously. Celestia looked away with uncertainty.

"I'm not sure...it would take some time and we're not at our full magical strength yet..." She said sadly. I sat in my chair in deep thought. As much as they freak me the fuck out, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was responsible for them being captured, or worse.... disected. So I took a deep breath and spoke.

"Just don't worry about it for now....you can stay as long as you need..." I said with a sigh as I stood up and stretch. They all looked at each other and smiled happily.

"Thank you mister human!" Twilight said excitedly as she ran up to me and hugged my leg. "Hey... get off!" I said in annoyance as I tried prying her off my leg comicly, making the others giggle.

"Ok Twilight... Stop before he changes his mind..." Celestia said with a laugh. Twilight pouted and let go of my leg. Then Cadence cleared her throat.

"It would be impolite of us to stay here and not even know our host's name..." She said with a grin. I raised my brow and chuckled.

"Right....my name is Derrick Young... But you can just call me DJ if you want..." I muttered. They all nodded and smiled.

"Well then Derrick we all thank you for your kindness..." Celestia said.

"Don't mention it..." I say as I walked into the kitchen.

"I wish to repay you somehow if I can...perhaps when my full strength returns..." Celestia started.

"Seriously don't mention it...I'm still kinda freaking out a little bit..." I said with a shudder at the mere thought of magic, making them giggle. Then I opened up the fridge again and stared silently.

"I'm really really sorry about that..." Celestia said sincerely.

"No its cool... I've been meaning to restock the fridge anyways... I'll probably go the store tomorrow..." I say as I closed it with a sigh. "By then I would have figured out what the hell talking horses eat..." I add with a laugh. Twilight cringed and walked over to me.

"Actually we're not going to horses...." She said. I fold my arms and raised my brow.

"Really now?"

"Yes! We are ponies!" She says with a grin. I deadpan and look from her to Celestia and back again.

Seems legit.

"Right...your a Unicorn pony... So... What are they?" I ask, gesturing to Celestia, Cadence, and Luna.

"We're Alicorns " Cadence answered for Twilight, walking over to join us. " We have earth pony strength, unicorn magic and the wings of a pegasus" she said as she spread her wings. I raised my brow and took a step back.

"Uh...yeah I can see that..." I said sheepishly as I watched her fold her wings back. Our eyes met and she blushed. Sheesh... She's a bit shy... She keeps blushing for some reason.

"So let me try and remember..." I said as I rubbed my chin.

"You're Princess Celestia Ruler of...Equestria? I think thats what you said..." I recalled. Celestia walked over to us and stood next to Twilight and the others.

"That is correct... Although I share power with my sister..." She confirmed. Then I looked at Twilight.

"And you're her Alicorn in training? You're waiting to get your wings or something?" I joke.

"Huh?" Twilight says tilting her head in confusion, Then Celestia's eyes widen. She quickly grabbed Twilight in a tight hug.

"Yes she's my adorable little Protégée, I'm teaching her about the magic of friendship and NOTHING else..." She said flashing a toothy grin. I blinked a few times and raised an eyebrow, Cadence looked just as creeped out as me.I have a feeling I said something that was supposed to be a secret.

"Ok...then...she's your student, got it...." I say raising my arms in a Innocent gesture. "Wait did you say your teaching her about the magic of friendship?" I repeat with a flat brow.

"Yes! She reports to me daily about what she learned about friendship, via letters sent by her baby dragon assistant spike! Her and the other elements of harmony..."

"...."

"Uh auntie? I think I'd spare the details if I were you..." Cadence whispered as she gestured to my Goldfish like stare.

"A dragon....a fucking dragon....you...no.....just no way..." I start mumbling with wide eyes.

"Right..." Celestia said with a nervous laugh.

"I...c...can't breath...Princess..." Twilight weized. Celestia gasped and let her go.

"Oops..."

We all laughed except for twilight who fell to the floor coughing.

"So what about you?" I ask, gesturing to Cadence. Her eyes widened and she blushed.

"Me...me?" She stuttered.

"No the floor... yes you!" I quip. She shifted uncomfortably and stared down at her hooves.

"We'll...I...I'm the Princess of Love..." She said nervously. I stared at her blankly and her ears droop.

"Uh....please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it does...." I said carefully.

"I assure you it does not mean what you think it does..." Celestia assured.

"Ok....then...moving on..." I said with a sheepish nod. Then I turned to Luna who was still in the living room. She was sitting in one of my arm chairs tucked up and staring into space with a stoic expression.

"What about...HER..." I said gesturing to Luna. Celestia turned to her and frowned.

"Sister! Why don't you come over here and tell Derrick about yourself?" Celestia pleaded.

"Yeah! Come join us Princess Luna!" Twilight encouraged. Luna snorted angrily and finally joined the rest of us in the kitchen.

"We are the princess of the Night... There is nothing more to say..." Luna said with a stoic expression.

"Ok...I have to ask now... What does that actually mean?" I ask suspiciously.

"We art responsible for raising the moon and stars.." She said with a straight face. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. I looked around and they were all giving me a funny look. I coughed awkwardly then froze.

"She's not serious right?" I say sheepishly, pointing my thumb at Luna.

"Do not mock me human..." Luna grumbled.

"I've believed everything you've said so far....fucking dragons and magic... But...Raising the moon? That's bullshit..." I say with a shake of my head. Luna growled and frowned.

"Don't you have somepony to raise the SUN and moon here?" Twilight asked, looking puzzled.

"Hell no! And one of you raises the SUN?" I exclaim.

"I thought my cutie mark would have tipped you off..." Celestia said with a smirk. I deadpanned and glared at them.

"The fuck is a cutie mark??" I demand. Then they all turned around and presented thier asses to me making me blush furiously.

"Uh...what am I supposed to be looking at?"

"Our flanks silly" Twilight said cheerfully.

"Uh...yeah...um they're interesting and stuff but...like what exactly am I supposed to..." I trailed off. Then all 4 of them turned their heads and deadpanned, making my face even redder.

"Oh...OH! I see now! You have tattoos..." I say with a nervous smile. Then I started to narrow my eyes. They all have 2 perfectly matching images on each cheek...

"They are not tattoos DJ. These cutie marks represent our special talents!" Twilight explained.

"Uh...ok... Neat I guess, but..." I say, swallowing hard.

"But?"

"Did you really have to... do whatever this is to explain that?" I ask gesturing to them. All of them gasped and immediately turned around, their cheeks various shades of red. Now were all embarrassed.

Before I could think of a way to make the situation less awkward, Twilight yawned and started to look sleepy. Then the Yawn spread to Cadence and Celestia. I looked at the time and it was like 11:40 not too late for me, but apprantly late for them.

"Right...sleeping arrangements..." I say as I stopped leaning on the fridge and rub my chin. Then I stretched my arms and started walking to the living room and the girls followed.

"Alright... This is a four bedroom house, which means..." I started to say as I walked to the first guest room which was downstairs.

"...somebody is going to have to share a room...or worse.."

"Worse?" Questions Twilight.

"I have to give up my bed and sleep on a couch..." I said with a laugh. They stayed silent as I looked at them.

"Your definitely going to have to sleep in my room..." I mutter, looking Celestia up and down. The others look at me suspiciously and Celestia raises her brow.

"May I ask why?"

"Because my room has the biggest bed..." I said simply. The others exchange glances then start snickering. Celestia narrows her eyes slightly.

"Are sure that I couldn't fit on the oth-"

"Nope. Moving on..." I muttered. Celestia sighed in frustration, I ignored her and continued.

"Alright who wants this room?" I say as I open the door to the guest room and I turn on the light. Its pretty basic inside the room because unless my family comes over (which rarely happens ) or my friends come and spend the night, this room is largely unused. This one was pretty much the same as all the others, average bed, a dresser, closest, window, a shelf, bla bla bla.

"We shall claim the first room.." Luna said as she walked inside and looked around, then the door glowed blue and closed. Damn... She didn't even say goodnight...sheesh...

"Cool. The rest of you come with me..." I said as they followed me up the stairs. The hallway is pretty straight forward, two guest rooms on the left, my room and the Tv room on the right, and a bathroom straight across.

"Alright... Bathroom is right there. You two wait here a sec. Princess Celestia, come with me." I said. Twilight and Cadence stayed put while Celestia follows me to my room. I open the door and turned on the light.

"Uh I'm not the neatest guy... Sorry" I say as I gesture to some clothes on the floor. Celestia walked around them smiling slightly.

"Its fine...." She says with a giggle.

"I have to change my shirt real quick... Gimme a second." I say as I grab a tank top out of one of my drawers. I took off my collared shirt and replace it with the tanktop. Celestia gives me a look a can't read. Why is she looking at me like that? Eh...whatever. I remember the window and almost slam the thing shut when I close it. Then I walk back toward the door, Celestia's gaze followed me the whole way. I pick up my phone, which was right where I was before getting knocked the fuck out and looked at her.

"Uh...is my room too dirty?" I ask sheepishly. At first she didn't respond, like she was in some weird trance then she blinked and flashed a smile.

"No its fine! Just some clothes on the floor, no big deal.." She said with a giggle. I shrugged then walked out and started to close the door.

"Try not to break anything... And goodnight..." I said from the doorway. She smiles back warmly.

"Good night Derrick... Oh that reminds me!" She said with a flash of her horn, then the broken lamp that I honestly completely forgot about formed back together and floated back to its usual spot. Fucking...magic....I still can't wrap my head around it, and frankly I don't want to!

I stared at her wide eyed and slowly closed the door. Twilight and Cadence were rambling on about something until I walked over.

"Well you two can pick between these rooms.. They're pretty much the same" I said as I open one of the doors.

"We'll.... Actually... This one has more bookshel-"

"MINE!" Twilight declared as she sprinted into the room and slammed the door. Cadence and I sat there in surprise. Then a moment later Celestia cracked the door to my room open.

"What was that?" She asked us.

"Twilight..." Cadence said.

"Twilight?"

"Yes Twilight..."

"Books?"

"Yep"

"Ah...well I dont think she will be sleeping anytime soon..." Celestia said with a smile. Then she yawned deeply and giggled. "Me on the other hoof..." She said as she gently closed the door. I shook my head then walked to the last guest room that was next to the stairs.

"Well... This is it..." I muttered as I opened the door and turned on the light. Cadence starts to nervously drag her hoof on the floor in a circle.

"I really appreciate what you're doing for us DJ..." She said as she nervously stares down at her hoofs.

"Dont mention it...I was probably going to end up falling asleep on the couch anyways..." I said with a chuckle as I remember all the times thats happened.

"You dont have to sleep on the couch.... We could...share..." She said with a timid smile. I laugh nervously and wave a hand.

"No no no...I'm good..." I said awkwardly.

"Oh... Ok then..." She said with a blush.

"Well goodnight Princess..." I said with a grin.

"Goodnight..." She said smiling back as she enters the doorway. Then she stopped midway and her ears droop down. I raise my brow and I was about to ask if something was wrong, but she suddenly turned around and stood on her hindlegs. Then she rested her forelegs on my shoulder. I guess this is a pony hug or something. I didn't really want to touch any of them, but I don't want to be mean either, so I kinda just tapped her back lightly. Then she did something... really weird. She's started rubbing her face into my cheek, creeping the fuck out of me.

She got down and started blushing and I just stared down at her in horror. She noted my expression and her blush intensified.

"I'm sorry.......would you have preferred a kiss?" She asked worriedly.

"No.. No... I just wasn't ready for....whatever that was..." I say averting my eyes. She smiled again, her ears perking up then she went inside her room and closed the door. I stood there blinking for a few seconds trying to figure out what the hell that was about. Then I shrugged it off and started walking down the stairs. As I was midway down a thought popped into my head. That hug was... Actually pretty nice! She's warm an fuzzy! Like a big fluffy...horse....

...

Huh...

Unfortunately as I was thinking about that a certain cat was laying on the steps. I saw him at the last second and avoided stepping on him, but instead I fell and went bumping and banging down the stairs loudly. I stopped on the bottom laying on my back, wincing and groaning loudly.

"DAMMIT TOM!" I curse as I crack my sore neck. Cadence opened the door at the top of the stairs.

"Are you ok?" She asked worriedly. I start chuckling as I slowly push myself up.

"Yeah I'm fine..."

"Are you sure? Do you want me to use healing mag-"

"NONONON! I'm fine Cadence... You should get some sleep..." I said with a reassuring smile. She smiled a little then closed her door again. I slowly struggled onto my feet and frowned at Tom, who was standing next to me looking up.

"Meow"

"Fuck you..."

I walked away to my living room. Then I noticed Luna was sticking her head out of her room staring at me with a ghost of a smile.

"What?"

"We were simply enjoying thine show..."

"Well... Sorry to disappoint you... But I won't be falling down anymore stairs..."

"We admit that was amusing, but we were refering to thine embrace with Princess Cadence, we could see thee blushing from here.." She teased. I deadpanned and stared at her.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Nay Human..." She said as she stepped out of the room fully. I rolled my eyes and walked away toward the kitchen. I looked around for something that the ponies DIDN'T devore, and I found some cereal. Thankfully there was enough milk for a big bowl, so I made one. I grabbed a spoon and walked back to my living room area. I sat down in front of my TV with a satisfying sigh and started eating. I took a few spoonfuls then stopped.

Why do I feel like I'm being watched?

I slowly turned to see Luna sitting right next to me.

...

"Uh...what are you doing?"

"Watching thee eat."

"...why?"

"Because thou art interesting to watch..."

"Ok...thats not creepy or anything..." I say sarcastically as I start eating again. After a few more spoonfuls I stopped again and stared at her.

"Are you seriously going to sit and watch me eat?"

"Yes. Thy cereal is getting soggy.."

"..."

I just shook my head, and tried to ignore her and finished my cereal. I was about to put the bowl in the sink but it instead glowed blue and floated into the sink. I deadpanned and stared at her and she stared back. We sat there for a good 30 seconds before I opened my mouth.

"So... Is there a reason you're not sleeping?"

"We art the Princess of the night, we do not require as much sleep as our companions..."

"Ok...."

...

"Well I'm finished eating..."

"We noticed"

"Are you still just going to watch me or..."

"We are waiting for thou to entertain us, thy art the Host after all..."

...

The fuck?

"Entertain you? What the hell do you want me to do? Jump down the stairs? Take a dump? Masterbate?" I demand. Luna starts to snicker and I facepalm.

"I'm just gonna play Xbox now..." I muttered. Luna tilted her head slightly in confusion.

"Xbox?"

"Its pretty much my only hobby. Look I'll show you..." I said as I reached across the table and picked up one of my controllers.

"Xbox on." I say aloud. Luna looked at me like I was crazy.

"Who is thou speaking to?" She asked. I didn't answer because my Tv sparked to life making Luna gasp.

"What sort of black magic is this?" Luna asks as she stare at the screen in horror.

"Chill out... Its just a TV.... Its for entertainment.." I say with a laugh. Luna stares at it then slowly relaxes.

"Show me.."

I nodded and turned on my controller

"Xbox... Play Titanfall..." I command. A moment later the game is starting up.

"Titanfall?"

"Its a video game. Basically I control it with this.." I said gesturing to the controller. She leaned forward and sniffed it, much to my amusement.

"This is a first person shooter where you fight other people..."

"We... Don't... Understand..." Luna said as she tries to make sense of what I'm doing on the screen.

"Just watch..." I said as I actually get in game and start moving around.

She basically from that point on watches silently as I play the game, asking questions from time to time and mocking me when I failed. I played until my eyelids felt heavy, then I turned it off and looked at the time. Holy crap its 2 in the morning! I yawned and Luna yawned with me.

"Ok I'm about to pass out, so move..." I muttered. Luna scoffed then laughed at me.

"Unless you plan to share your damn bed, move!" I say with annoyance. Luna's wings extended and she hopped off the couch with a light flap. Basically scaring the living shit out of me.

"Why art thou so jumpy?" She asked with a giggle.

"I mean... Its not everyday that you see a talking unicorn, fly off a couch with wings..." I quipped.

"Well thy should get used to it... Perhaps our stay here will not be as horrible as we originally imagined..." She said with a smirk.

"Yeah whatever Princess..." I said with a shrug making her laugh. I shacked my head as she winks at me making the hair on my neck stand up. Then she walks to her room and pauses at the door.

"Goodnight.... Derrick..."

"Night..." I said, with a sleepy wave. Then she walked into her room and closed the door. Now its just me sitting on the couch half asleep. Hey wait... Did she actually call me Derrick instead of human? Huh... No thats just me being tired. I laid back and relax on the couch and go over the days events.

So I have 4 magical talking ponies living in my house. Maybe it won't be too bad... If I can get over the magic...and the talking... And the wing- nevermind. We'll just see how tomorrow goes I guess... I have a feeling it will be disastrous but hey... I signed up for it.

Author's Note

Notes: Hey guys! This story is a spin off what if story, meaning it won't be updated to often compaired to the Misadventures of DJ. When I eventually finish that story I'll basically write more spim off, what if stories featuring DJ. This is also practice for slice of life stories.

For now dont expect this to update frequently.

This is an alternate reality and dosent take place in the Misadventures of DJ continuity. Shining armor either didn't exist, or never met cadence. MLP doesn't exist in this universe either.

I'm going to try and make DJ more resistent to pony flirting this time around.

Chapter 6: Morning Wood

Chapter 6: Morning Wood

I woke up to the sound of quiet giggling. I slowly open my eyes and sat up, yawning deeply. I was in my bed and my eyes were too blurry to see what time it was.

Looking around my ears are assaulted with a barrage of giggling.

Who’s laughing? I started to concentrate my tired mind on the sounds, and realized that they were coming from my bathroom, I prop myself up as I hear a splash of water

"Oh what the hell?" I whisper, as I get out of my bed and tiptoe over to the bathroom door.

"Stop splashing Cadence!"

"Sorry Auntie!"

"We don't see the issue sister, we quite enjoy it!"

"Yes, but it's creating a mess."

"Don't be silly Twilight sparkle, we would never leave his floor in such disarray!"

Clues and common sense told me that they were bathing.

All of them.

TOGETHER.

With my curiosity now satisfied, I walked back over to my bed and laid down. I guess they really do bathe together huh? That's kinda weird; oh well, it has nothing to do with me-,

"Ouch! Stop squeezing them so hard!"

Um... OK? Just go back to sleep DJ...

"But Princess, they're just so squishy! I can't help it!"

Heh... They're getting a little adventurous in there aren't they? None of my concern.

"Hey!" I heard Twilight shout, her voice ringing in my ears.

"What? You have a cute little plot Twilight!"

"Not as cute as yours!" Twilight whines.

Ok, maybe I can multitask with my concerns. It's inefficient to just have one anyway, right? I slowly got up again and tiptoed back over to the door. Halfway there, I stopped and evaluated myself.

What the hell am I planning to do? Spy on them? That's beneath me! I shook my head at myself and slowly inch away from the door. I mean, they're freaking ponies anyway, there's nothing for me in there.

"Hold on, I have to check on something." I heard Cadence say. I stood there curiously, wondering what she would possibly have to check on. My Curiosity was extinguished when the bathroom door swung open without warning.

"Oh, you're awake!" Cadence said with a grin. I stood there completely frozen. Her fur and mane were dripping wet, she moved her hair from her face, lightly flipping it. It basically resembled every sexy hair flip I've ever seen on TV.

Time seemed to slow down as her sparkling mane flipped over her back.

"Yes, I am very much awake." I reply nervously.

"Great! You can join us!" Cadence said with a content smile.

What? NOOOOO I GREATLY DISAPPROVE!

"No thanks, I'll pass, thanks." I reply automatically, as I back away and feel around behind me for the doorknob.

"Why not? We won't bite you." Cadence said, stepping toward me with bedroom eyes.

"I'm really hungry is all." I say, as I nervously search faster. I feel around where the door was supposed to be and felt nothing but my wall.

"What the hell?" I muttered as I turned around to look. The door was gone, completely gone. I raised my brow in confusion. What kind of crap is this! Doors just don't disappear! Before I could question my sanity, or blame magic, or both, Cadence wrapped a wing around me.

"Come on DJ you need a bath!" She said as she led me to the bathroom.

"But I'm seriously starving." I claim.

"Oh, I'll make you a sandwich or something later, just come!" Cadence said with a giggle. She walked us over the door and gripped it with her hoof. I should probably make a note to ask how they do that, but now isn't the time! They're bathing in there! I can't just waltz in there and witness them butt ass nak-

Wait. They're always naked.

...

I sigh in defeat at my impending doom just behind the door.

Cadence opened the door to reveal Twilight, Celestia and Luna standing in my huge bathtub. Well, honestly, it was more of a bathtub/hot tub combo. That thought died off when I started focusing on what they were doing.

If I had to describe, it was basically every hot anime bathtub scene ever, complete with the giggling, splashing, and squeezing; but with ponies.

That last sentence somehow didn't make it any less hot, and that scares me... A lot.

"Hello Derrick!" Celestia said with a smile as she flipped her hair. Again with the hair man!

"Hi DJ! Will you be joining us?" Twilight asked curiously, her tail swishing back and forth slowly.

"Greetings... master." Luna said with a sultry tone and bedroom eyes.

OK! Let me put this out there that this has taken a strange turn Though I’m not sure I mind it; let's see what my subconscious has to say about this.

"WORSHIP THE BOOTY!"

"..."

This is not helping things here!

...

It was five o clock on the dot when Celestia's eyes opened. Her biological clock always wakes her up at this time. She stretched her wings and yawned deeply.

"Today is going to be a good day!" She said to herself with a giggle as she hopped out of bed and walked to the bathroom to freshen up. As she brushed her teeth, she hummed a familiar tune. The tune was a bit of an enigma in the fact that she doesn't recall its name or its actual lyrics. What makes it worse is she's not the only one, Twilight once wrote a report about the tune because it turned out everyone in Equestria hummed it to themselves when busy. Nopony knows its origin, but like all the unknowns in Equestria Celestia just found it easier to blame Discord.

"Hmhmhmhmhmmm,hmhmhmhmhm" she hummed with a content smile. She took a look at Derrick's shower and raised her brow before inhaling

"Oh, you're not getting away this time Tia." She said with a laugh before entering the shower. After adjusting the temperature to something acceptable she started to think.

They haven't been away that long yet, her council could take care of things in her absence for a while, but her little ponies and the environment would suffer from the sun and moon being present simultaneously if they were gone too long. Celestia estimated it would take about 3 or 4 months for things to start falling apart...unless they already have. Thankfully, that was plenty of time for her and her companion's magic to recover enough to use the transportation spell again. It was then that her thoughts turned to Derrick.

Their introductions could have gone better, but she really did admire and appreciate his kindness. He allowed them to stay in his home, even sleep in his bed! But why? She thought that after Luna knocked him out and tied him to a chair that he would like nothing more than to chase us away, but no, he let us stay. Celestia found it hard to imagine herself doing the same if the situation was reversed.

Then she remembered what he said to her in the car.

"What? I live by myself, it’s actually nice to have company every once in a while. Even if said company is... well different."

He was lonely, he just wanted some company. Just somepony to fill in the empty void. But maybe there was more to it than that? She decided to stop wasting Derrick's water and really washed up.

...

She dried herself off and started her new morning routine. And the first part of it was to move her gracious host to his bed. She quietly walked down the stairs, making sure not to step on Tom. He seemed to like curling up on the middle stair for some reason. She reached the bottom step and slowly made her way over to the sleeping human. He was laying on his back, peacefully snoring quietly. She smiled as she watched his chest steadily rise and fall.

"How cute" Celestia thought. As she snickered behind her hoof.

"No... I don't wanna..." Derrick muttered in his sleep, briefly surprising her.

"Aw, he's dreaming" she thought with a quiet giggle. She took a deep breath and concentrated. She knew from experience that moving ponies with magic tends to wake them up. So rather than using it, she instead employed a more traditional method. She gently lifted him with her hooves and moved him onto her back. He sat on her back as if he was riding a horse and his arms seemed to automatically wrap around her neck.

She smiled contently, slowly and carefully making her way up the stairs with the slumbering human, making sure to avoid Tom again. When she got to the top of the stairs, a certain pink mare was watching with suspicion and jealousy so strong that Celestia could feel her iris burning into her fur. But like all the Princesses, she could hide those feelings behind her cute innocent smile if she desired.

"Good morning Cadence" Celestia said with a nervous grin, detecting the strong emotion emanating from her niece.

"Good morning auntie!" Cadence said with a chipper tone. She came to Celestia's side and locked eyes with her.

"So... Who do you have here?" Cadence asked calmly, running a hoof through Derrick's hair.

"Derrick." Celestia answered plainly.

"Hmm... I see. And what exactly are you doing with him draped on your back" Cadence asked.

"Nothing." Celestia replied simply.

"Oh, Ok. Nothing." Cadence says with a subtle nod as she lowers her hoof and starts pacing the hallway.

"Are you sure you weren't planning anything... funny?" Cadence asks.

"No?" Celestia says as she gives her niece a puzzled look.

"Oh, that's good... Because it looked awfully strange, with you sneaking him into his room while everypony is asleep. I just thought you were getting ideas. " Cadence says, narrowing her eyes.

"Oh, none of that, just moving him to his bed." Celestia said carefully.

"... nothing strange about that." Cadence says sarcastically. Celestia stares at her niece in confusion.

"Ok then?" Celestia said with a shake of her head, walking up to Derrick's bedroom door.

"No Tia.." Derrick muttered in his sleep, making Cadence double take. She turned to fully face Celestia in shock.

"TIA?" Cadence repeated as her jealousy seemed to spike.

"Um... He's just dreaming?" Celestia, said with her ears folded to her skull.

"Uh huh." Cadence said with disbelief. She's only gets called that by somepony extremely close, like her sister. So why is Derrick mumbling that in his sleep? She wondered. Celestia flashed a smile and walked into Derrick's room where, Cadence persistently followed. Celestia lowered Derrick to his bed.

"Where did you go last night?!" Cadence asked loudly. Celestia cringed and covered cadence's mouth with her wings.

"Pipe down or you'll wake him!" Celestia scolded with a whisper. Cadence's ears dropped and she lowered her voice.

"Sorry." She whispered with a nervous grin. Celestia tucked him in then backed away. "Why is he saying your name auntie? Only princess Luna calls you that." She asked quietly.

"It's probably just a coincidence." Celestia said with uncertainty.

"Right... Because he just happened to call the name of the pony he's wrapped around.." Cadence said with an unamused look.

"Oh LUNA..." Derrick moaned with a smile as he squeezed his pillow. Celestia and Cadence slowly turned to each other and blushed.

"What do you think he's dreaming about?" Cadence asked sheepishly.

"I don't know, but I fear whatever it is, it's being influenced by my sister." Celestia said. The two of them decided to leave. They could hear Derrick moaning Luna's name again, somewhat confirming their suspicious.

"Auntie?" Cadence called. Making Celestia turn to her.

"Yes, Dear?" Celestia said as she began walking down the stairs.

"Where did you go last night?" Cadence asked more seriously. Celestia turned to her and sighed.

"Let's discuss it over tea." Celestia finally said.

"Sounds great!" Cadence said with a warm smile.

...

I have no clue how, but they convinced me to actually get in the tub with them... Well, if being dragged over by magic counts as "convincing". Now I'm in the far corner of my tub with nothing but the boxers I refused to take off. The girls were on the other side of the tub, whispering and watching me. Eventually Celestia teleported next to me.

"Hi." I say awkwardly.

"Hey there." she says as she casually wrapped a wing around me and brought me close to her. The warmth of her body combined with the hot water to make me sweat profusely.

"It’s really hot in here.." I say, wiping my forehead. The others just watch silently as Celestia giggled.

"Yes, it is Derrick. Very hot indeed." She said as she slowly moved to rub my chest with her hoof.

"Uh huh..." I say as my eyes widen. Under the water I felt Celestia's soft tail slowly coiling around me waist. I started to shiver nervously, but she held me tighter.

"You know Derrick... I can raise more than just the Sun." She said suggestively. I bit my lip when I felt the tip of her tail slip into my boxers. My cheeks caught on fire at the sensation and I stifled a moan.

"Taxes" I suddenly replied. Celestia reeled back slightly and gave me a puzzled look.

"What?"

"Taxes. You can raise taxes." I say sheepishly. She then proceeded to smack her forehead at mach 3.

...

Cadence and Celestia were sitting at the kitchen table, sipping on tea. While it certainly looked peaceful at first glance, what was actually happening was more along the lines of an interrogation.

"How did you get Derrick to let you leave the house?" Cadence asked, her eyes locked on her aunt's.

"I just asked him." Celestia replied with a shrug.

"WHAT?!" Cadence blurted, practically spitting her tea out.

"Yep." Celestia says as she nervously taps her hooves together.

"How come every time I ask he says 'sure if you want to be dissected'!" Cadence imitated with frustration. She refused to believe that Derrick was picking favorites, or that Derrick didn't like her.

"No no no! It can't be that simple! Something must have changed his mind!" Cadence stated firmly.

"Well, he did say no until..." Celestia said, trailing off and staring into her cup.

"Until? Until what auntie?" Cadence said, leaning closer.

"I used a certain spell" Celestia admitted.

"Aha! I knew it! Mind control!" Cadence said triumphantly.

"What? Of course not! I would never do such a thing!" Celestia said, looking offended.

"Then what did you do?" Cadence demanded.

"At first a transfiguration spell." Celestia admitted.

"What? You turned into a human? Do you have any idea how much magic that requires?!" Cadence gasped.

"No, I wasn't’ entirely human." Celestia said.

"Oh." Cadence said with relief.

"Yes. Right after I used the spell, Derrick seemed to say yes without even thinking..."

"Really?" Cadence said as she rubbed her chin, intrigued.

"His reaction was somewhat strange, his nose started to bleed and he seemed to lose his balance." Celestia said.

"Interesting..." Cadence said with a mischievous smile.

"What are you up to young lady?" Celestia said with a flat brow.

"Oh, nothing auntie!" Cadence said with an innocent grin.

"Good. Now is that everything you wanted to discuss?" Celestia asked, leaning back.

"Not even close! I want to know EVERY, SINGLE, DETAIL!" Cadence said, narrowing her eyes.

"Well, I'm going to need a lot more tea, then" Celestia said with a giggle.

"I also want to know more about the spells you used." She Added with emphasis.

"I'll start brewing the tea!" Celestial said, getting up and grinning.

...

I'm certainly in a pickle now. Celestia is on my right, Twilight is on my left, cadence somehow managed to slip behind me and Luna was on top of me. The worst part was how all 4 of them were using their tails underwater to sneakily tease me.

"OK, you can stop now?" I squeak as I shift uncomfortably.

"We all wish to thank thou for thy kindness with a gift. " Luna cooed as her face gradually got closer to mine.

"I'm... Not ready for that gift!" I exclaim nervously.

"Oh yeah? You feel ready to go to me!" Twilight whispered in my ear as her tail curled around a particularly sensitive area. I quickly turned to her.

"Are you even old enough for this kind of gift!?" I ask as I attempt to stall the inevitable.

"Definitely." She said mischievously, as her tail's grip tightened.

"Right..." I say, shivering and tensing as Celestia nuzzles me.

"Art thou ready to receive thy gift?" Luna asked as she rubbed my cheek.

"Yeah, but there's a problem." I say, desperate for an excuse.

"What?" She asks with worry.

"I'm gay." I say with a straight face.

"..."

"Yep, totally gay!" I say louder to emphasize my point.

Please work, Please work, Please work, Please work, Please work… dear god, please for the love of all things holy work!

"Nice try Derrick." Luna muttered with an unamused expression.

"God Dammit..." I say, lowering my head and accepting defeat.

...

After explaining the spells she used to Cadence with painstaking detail, she told Cadence, everything about her trip, making sure to leave out the cuddling, licking and the fact that she ate a cheeseburger.

"And then you gave him a particularly snug hug and tried to kiss him." Cadence finished for her with a flat brow.

"I did no such thing!" Celestia claimed with a light blush.

"It's OK auntie, I know what I saw." Cadence said with a smirk.

"How long were you watching?" Celestia asked.

"Pretty much as soon as you got back." She answered with a twitchy brow.

Celestia blushed and stared into her cup silently. Meanwhile, Cadence was doing some careful planning in her head. She filed away the information regarding the transformation spell for later use. She had to admit that she really didn't know Derrick that well, in fact none of them did. But that would very soon change.

...

I woke up sweating like a dog and panting heavily. I just had the worst dream ever! It was absolutely horrible! I started to climb out of bed until I felt one of the most intense cases of morning wood that I've ever had.

"Talk about a wet dream..." I joke to myself. The thing I'm worried about is the fact that my dream was about my four equine guests. Definitely weird, very weird, beyond weird; and why was it so vivid? I've never had a dream that clear before! Wait...

What if it wasn't a dream?

I sprung out of bed and sprinted over to my bathroom and practically threw the door open. Nope. No wet ponies in here. I sighed in relief and started to freshen up. My thoughts turned to that erotic dream again. I seriously wonder if they can do those things with their tails? Whoa, wait a second, what am I saying! That dream was disgusting! They're ponies for crying out loud!

Wait, calm down... It was just a dream. People dream about all kinds of messed up things right? I just find it odd that my dream was about, well you know. I finished washing up and came out of the bathroom, changed my clothes and left my room. Right as I was leaving I saw Twilight's tail slip into the hallway bathroom, she promptly shut it with her tail. A blush came to my face as I thought about what she did with her tail in my dream. I shook the thought away and walked toward the stairs. Let's go see who else is up.

I started going down the stairs quite fast, unfortunately a certain cat was on the middle stair again, forcing me to jump the rest of the way down to avoid him. With a loud thump I managed to barely land on my feet, only stumbling slightly. When I regained my balance, I looked over to the kitchen table where Celestia and Cadence were sitting, blinking in surprise.

"Just had to avoid the stupid… gah, you know what… never mind!" I say with a shake of my head. I walk over into the kitchen, their eyes following me the whole way. "Hey Cadence, hey Tia." I said with a wave.

"Good morning Derrick." Celestia said with a warm smile.

"Good morning Der-" Cadence started to say before frowning and slowly turning toward Celestia. She cringed and avoided her niece's gaze. I wonder what that is about?

"Did you sleep well?" Celestia asked, a smile across her muzzle.

"Kind of." I say simply as I look through my drawers for some Pop-tarts. I looked at them again and Cadence was giving Celestia's cheek the death stare and she was trying with all her might to avoid it. I raise my brow and continue the Pop-tart prepping.

"Did you have a good dream?" Cadence asked as she turned to me with a gentle smile. I paused and my cheeks turned red at the thought. When I didn't respond for several seconds Cadence got worried.

"Are you alright?" Celestia asked.

"Um... yeah... The dream was... interesting" I say with a nervous smile. Cadence and Celestia share curious glances before slowly getting out of their chairs. Next thing I know, with a flash of magic they're both on either side of me. My heart skipped and I jump because I'm still not entirely used to them doing that.

"Are you sure you're alright? Celestia asked again.

"Yep! Do you girls want some Pop-tarts?" I ask. They both give me confused looks, making me sigh and point to the box. Cadence brings it over with her magic and they both look over it.

"It looks delicious!" Celestia said with a nod. Cadence on the other hand just shrugged, but continued to study me carefully.

"So that's a yes?" I say as I look at Cadence with a flat brow.

"Sure." Cadence says, not breaking eye contact with me.

"Yes, please!" Celestia said, licking her lips as she teleported back to the table leaving Cadence next to me. She narrowed her eyes and I just smiled nervously. Why is she looking at me like that.

"Derrick." She said In a serious tone.

"Yes?"

"Could I speak to you for a moment?" She asked.

"Sure Cadence." I say with a shrug as I fold my arms. We sit there for a few seconds until she clears her throat.

"Alone." She added.

"Oh, you want to talk alone." I whisper. Cadence nods, getting slightly annoyed.

"Tia, we'll be right back." I said to her. I noticed Cadence's eye twitch whenever I called her that, making me raise my brow. She started to walk up the stairs and I followed behind her with a sigh, walking with a blank expression until something caught my eye.

The booty... It jiggles...

I spent the next couple seconds wondering why they all had such cute butts. Then I spent the next few seconds scolding myself for looking at them that way. When we reached the top of the stairs she turned to face me. I can read her and Twilight's expressions a bit easier because Celestia and Luna seem to put on some emotionless mask on sometimes.

"So... what did you want to talk about?" I ask as I lean against the wall. Before Cadence could say anything, Twilight seemed to burst from the bathroom. She walked over to us as radiant as ever.

"Good morning Cadence, DJ!" She said happily as she nuzzled Cadence, and hugged my leg.

"We're trying to have a..." Cadence started to say.

"That belly rub you gave me last night really loosened me up! Thanks!" Twilight said with a warm smile.

"Uh... you're welcome..." I say with a sheepish grin, avoiding Cadence's looks. She giggles, then trots down the stairs. When I turn back to Cadence I could tell that her mind was being fucked by a giant, spiked, mind fucking dildo.

"Belly rubs..." Cadence whispers. Completely dumbfounded.

"Dammit Twilight..." I say as I cover my face in embarrassment. Cadence tries to speak, but she just couldn't seem to find the words. Eventually she sighed and cleared her throat.

"Let's talk in your room please." She finally says with a strained voice.

"OK..." I say as I walk into my room and sit on the edge of my bed. Cadence walks in, closing and locking the door. She walks over and startles me by plopping down right next to me. She stared silently at the floor making me nervous and impatient.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask. She gives me a sad look that instantly makes me feel guilty even though I don't know what caused it.

"You give Twilight a belly Rub... You take Celestia out to eat and you moan Luna's name in your sleep." She starts in a hurt tone.

Oh, THAT's what she wants to discuss.

...

...

...

Wait a second… I fucking moaned Luna's name?!

"Auntie told me you said that she was attractive." She added with a sniffle.

Oh lord please no... MAYDAY!!! ANYONE HELP PLEASE!

"You seemed uninterested in us when we first got here but now all of a sudden something changed!" She said with another sniffle.

Don't do it...

"You never offered me a belly rub!" She says with watery eyes.

Don't you dare...

"Am I... ugly to you?" She asks, bursting into tears. Guilt instantly plagued me and drove my next few actions. I wrapped my arm around her in an embrace and rubbed my other hand through her hair.

"No cadence, I don't think you're ugly at all." I assure. Her sobs pause for a moment and I thought I saw a thin smile on her muzzle. But a second later she was back to crying.

"You don't?" She asked as she looked up at me, tears streaming from her eyes. If she keeps this up I'm going to cry!

"No, it’s just you girls are a different species; here on this planet, it would be considered taboo to go on a date with you guys. If it makes you feel better I can date you, it has nothing to do with appearances." I started to say. Cadence's eyes suddenly lit up and she smiled at me.

"Who said anything about dating?" She asked, staring intensely at me.

"Um... I..." I stuttered, my thoughts now scrambled and my face completely flustered my conscious practically saying “You’re on your own pal!”.

"So does that mean you'd be willing to give dating me a chance?" She asked excitedly.

"Yeah, I just..."

Cadence proceeded to give me one of the most adorable gleeful smiles I've ever seen in my entire life… until it was somewhat ruined with that mysterious "Squee" sound that seems to accompany a pony’s joy.

"Yay! I knew you liked me Derrick!" She basically squealed, jumping up into the air.

"I didn't... Wait! Hold on a second!" I said with wide eyes.

"Oh, this is going to be so wonderful! Thank you so much!" She said with her musical voice. Before I could clear up this massive misunderstanding, she ran over to me, basically hopped into my lap, then proceeded to close her eyes and plant a firm wet kiss on my mouth.

ON MY MOUTH!

With a loud smack she ended the kiss and nuzzled me. I couldn't brain at that moment, so I just ended up looking like some weird confused tomato head. She gave me a snug hug. After a few moments she let go then started skipping away.

DJ.exe is not responding, would you like to troubleshoot?

"You're the best!" She said with a giggle before swiftly exiting the room. I sat there, waiting for my brain to start responding again.

Am I sleeping again?

I raise my hand to my face and slap myself to confirm this theory.

Nope! Pain confirmed! Definitely awake! I need to review the last minute of my life.

So I just agreed to take Cadence on a date... and I kissed her.

No no let me fix that.

I just agreed to take a TALKING PONY on a date... and a TALKING PONY kissed me.

There we go!

Now, before I go down there and fix this potential shit storm, I have to admit that Cadence is a damn good kisser. It’s too bad she's a pony and everything; she also has dat booty too! It’s a crying shame she's a pony and everything; Wait, I said that already didn't I?

Let's just fix things before they escalate further!

I jumped out of the bed and ran over to my room door. I threw it open and rushed down the stairs. Twilight and Celestia were sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying tea together. They both shared a look like deer in headlights as Cadence stood next to them blabbing on about our date.

It's escalated… A lot… God give me strength I’m gonna need it now.

"Oh, there he is! He will tell you!" Cadence said when she noticed me.

Before I could retreat upstairs, I felt the familiar warmth of magic drag me over to her. When I was next to her, she tightly wrapped a wing around me, preventing my escape.

"Tell them about our date DJ!" She said with a wide grin. Twilight and Celestia's blank stares drifted to me and I smiled awkwardly. I could tell them it was a mistake, but Cadence seemed so happy and I would hate to make her cry again, especially in front of Tia and Twilight. I sighed and took a deep breath.

"Yep Cadence and I are madly in love or something." I muttered with stealthy sarcasm. Twilight and Celestia's brows raised as they glanced at each other before looking at us again.

"Seriously?" Twilight asks.

"Yep." I say with a sheepish smile.

"And you're not being forced into this?" Celestia asked.

"Nope." I say, my expression, not faltering a bit. Celestia and Twilight look at each other again, then back to us.

"Ok... Well... I think its a bit sudden, but love is love! So I want you to know I'm happy for you!" Twilight said with a genuine smile.

"I am also... happy for you two... as well..." Celestia said a bit distracted, staring down at her tea and putting that emotionless mask on again. Only god knows what she is thinking right now. Eventually Cadence calmed down enough for me to breath and I went to work on the Pop-tarts. My grumbling stomach isn't helping with figuring my way out of the hole I just dug myself into. I gave everyone else some Pop-Tarts, even saving some for Luna. I sat on my couch with the TV on to enjoy them.

Now, about this "date".

Part of me just wanted to cancel it, while the other is saying suck it up and do it. I mean it can't be that bad right? A date doesn't mean I have to do something crazy like mating with her, it would basically be like last night with Tia, except I get to know Cadence (which is honestly something I meant to do). When she’s not trying to hit on me, which is rare, she actually seems like a decent person... Er pony. It could actually be fun!

Famous last words...

Yep, this didn't turn out too bad if I do say so myself! But back to what Cadence said in my room. Did I seriously moan Luna's name in my sleep? Speaking of Luna, why isn't she up yet?

Oh, never mind...

"Good morning my friends! " She announced loudly. As she came out of her room. The others said good morning to her, I was still in the middle of chewing, so I simply smiled and waved. Luna hopped onto the couch next to me and started rubbing against me like a cat. I gave her a confused look.

"Good morning master!" She said loudly. The whole room fell dead silent, I started choking on my food. Twilight's face was frozen in surprise, Cadence looked like she'd been shot and Celestia's tea cup suddenly dropped to the table, as her eyes were pinpricks. All eyes were on Luna and I now. Twilight's surprise soon faded and she observed with a neutral expression.

"We will help thee master!" She said as she gave my back a firm Pat, dislodging the food from my throat.

"There! Is that better master?" Luna asked as she nuzzled my cheek.

"Yeah. Luna you can't run around calling me-"

"Good! Because we would be devastated if thou perished!"

"Luna you-"

"How was your dream master? " Luna said with a wink.

"Pretty um- good." I said without thinking.

Right when she said that I heard one of the kitchen chairs scrape across the floor. Celestia suddenly stood up so fast that the chair fell over. I took one look at her face, it didn't take a genius to read this expression.

I am so going to die.

"Master when art thou going to PLAY with us again? We quite enjoyed the last time despite the explosive conclusion." Luna said in a sultry tone. At that moment I heard the sound of magic and something whizzing through the air. I barely ducked to avoid Celestia's tea cup, which crashed into the wall behind me.

"Derrick, you and I have some IMPORTANT things to discuss." Celestia said calmly as she started to storm out of the kitchen.

"Um Tia, it’s not healthy for your eye to twitch like that." I squeak as I roll off the couch and back away toward the stairs.

"Sister! Please Do not upset the master, or he won't reward us by playing tonight!" Luna pleaded. Celestia snorted angrily and started to scrape the ground.

"COME HERE!" She shouted loudly. Then her wings popped open. When I realized she was LITERALLY after me, I got up and sprinted up the stairs. Thankfully Tom was smart enough to move out of the damn way because Celestia tailed me with no regard for where she was stepping. I dove into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me, locking myself in.

"You come out of there right this instant!" She barked.

"Not until you calm your tits Tia!" I responded with my back against the door.

"THEY ARE CALM!" She yelled. As she bumped against the door. I let out a loud breath, then I heard Celestia force herself to take a few calming breaths.

"OK... OK.... Derrick here's what's going to happen." She said in a calmer tone.

"Yeah?" I respond, my heart beating out of my chest.

"I'm going to count to 5, and if you're not outside explaining why my sister is calling you 'master' and why you're suddenly in love with my niece, there will be extreme consequences." She stated firmly.

"And if I don't?" I ask.

"Then I WILL come in there." she says simply.

"You... you can't come In here!" I state as I quickly grab a bottle of shampoo.

"I can and I will." She states like fact.

"But I'm taking a leak!" I lie as I pour the shampoo into the toilet, simulating the sound of urine.

"Oh..." Celestia says with genuine surprise. She says nothing for several seconds until I heard a sound that sealed my fate.

I can hear her inhale through her nose as it briefly goes to an awkward quiet.

...

A moment later I was blinded by a golden Light, then next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor by Celestia.

"You LIED." She breathed with a frown.

"It was worth a shot." I say with a smirk. Celestia gives me an unamused glare, making me swallow my tongue

"It hasn't even been two days; and you've taken my little Luna's innocence?" She says, staring into my soul. I stare at her in surprise and she continues.

"And you’re trying to rutt my niece too?" She says. Tightening her hold on me and narrowing her eyes.

"WHAT?" I exclaim.

"Are you going to go after poor little twilight's innocence after you've had your way with Cadence?" She added as she looked at me with disappointment.

"Tia! Just pause for a second, this is a huge misunderstanding." I said with a chuckle. She gripped me tighter.

"Playing with our emotions is no laughing matter." She said with a deadly serious tone, so close to me that our noses were touching. I took note of the fact that she said "our" emotions and not "their" emotions. Which means there's definitely some jealousy fueling this out of character burst of rage. I say that because Celestia is the chill one, right?

"I wasn't trying to mess with your emotions Tia." I say sincerely. She growled and slammed me harder against the floor, making me cringe in pain. Great, my back is going to hurt for the rest of the week after that.

"Don't call me that! I am upset with you!" She ordered.

"Oh, you're mad?" I say with sarcasm.

"Very!" She says, flaring her wings and snorting.

"Ok! I've had enough of this Tia..." I say with a fed up expression. Celestia gives me a flat browed look and I take a deep breath. "Alright. I'm just going to say this once Tia. Get off me." I state casually.

"No! You’re not in a position to make demands!" She says angrily.

"Fine, be that way; but in about 5 seconds, you're going to be apologizing." I claim confidently. I have a crazy plan that just might work. You see, I learned a few things about pony biology that might just come in handy.

"Derrick I'm not playing with y-WAAAH!"

...

"What have we learned today, Tia?" I asked calmly. I was sitting on her back, one hand gripping her horn firmly and the other, scratching that spot behind her ear.

"Do not yell in your face." She says submissively. Her ears were down and her face was flustered, her entire body shivered to my touch. Her wings were stiff and fully extended.

"Good... What else?" I ask with a gentle smile.

"D-don't slam you into things." She stuttered.

"Good girl. Now, I just need you to do one more little thing for me." I said as I rubbed her ear.

"What do you request... Senpai?" She moaned. I paused with a bemused expression and blinked a few times.

"Don't call me that." I say nervously.

"I'm... sorry... senp-DERRICK!" she corrected as her muscles tensed and her hind legs twitched.

"Now. All you have to do is apologize and I'll let you go." I said as I tickled her horn, making her shiver and groan. Her face was one of frustrated pleasure. She angled her head towards me and tried to focus.

"I'm sorry." She says simply.

"Ah ah ah! Sorry for what?" I say, tickling her horn again, making her eyes close tightly, and a moan escape her mouth.

"I'm… Sorry for hurting your back." She says shakily.

"And?"

"I'm sorry for yelling in your face." She added.

"Apology accepted." I said, letting go of her horn, making her whimper quietly. She didn't move, but her wings started to fold closed again.

"Now, since you've been such a good girl, I'm just going to forget the fact that you weaponized a tea cup and tried to break my face with it." I remind, as I gently scratched her ear.

"I'm sorry Derrick." She says with shame.

"It's alright Tia. I owe all four of you an explanation." I admit.

"Derrick?" Celestia says, turning to me with red cheeks.

"Yes?"

"You're not going to tell anypony about what I called you right?" She asked. Looking away.

"Not a soul."

"Thank you!" She says with relief.

"Anytime"

"Could you get off so I can stand please?"

"Aww... and I was just getting comfortable too!" I joke as I stand up and get off her. Whenever I did she shakily has to regain balance. I snickered until I noticed how wet the floor was between her legs. At first I thought it was sweat, but soon I put two and two together. Celestia wondered what I was looking at until she followed my gaze. When she realized, her cheeks colored again. Her horn flashed for an instant and the suspicious sticky substance disappeared. Then our eyes locked onto each other. I didn't dare say a word about it, I'll just forget what I saw.

"Let's go." I said calmly, turning and opening the door.

"Ok, but Before we go, I must ask you something." Celestia said, avoiding my gaze.

"What is it?" I ask impatiently.

"You weren't really planning on going on that... Date were you?" She asked timidly.

"Nope." I answer plainly. Celestia brightens up at that and I stare suspiciously. "Was a certain pony JEALOUS?" I ask with a smug grin. Celestia's eyes turn to pinpricks and she blushed. "You shouldn't be jealous since we sorta went on a date last night already." I joked.

"I am not!" Celestia says as she smacks my shoulder with her wing.

"Ow! Watch it jeez, you ponies and smacking me!" I blurt as I wince and clutch my shoulder.

"Sorry!" She says with a nervous smile.

"Sheesh are you trying to kill me today? First my back and now my shoulder!" I complain. She giggles and looks at me again. I shake my head slowly and turn to walk out the door when a wing hits me over the side again this time less painful.

"Tia! What was that for?"

"That dirty shampoo trick."

"Hey, it worked!"

"For 5 seconds"

"Whatever. You're the dirty one for teleporting inside when I could have actually been taking a leak."

"..."

"Yeah, got you there, didn't I."

"That's coming from the individual who probably had an erotic dream about one of us. "

"No clue what you're talking about!"

Touché Tia. Touché.

We came down the stairs and everyone was pretty much exactly where we left them. Luna was sitting on the couch, confused, Cadence was on the floor, looking like she was shot and Twilight was just sipping her tea and looking bored. When Cadence saw us come down the stairs, she rushed over to me.

"I can be submissive too!" She said as she bowed at my feet.

"No, that's ok Cad-"

"I will obey your every command Master." She said as she looked up at me.

"Stop please..." I say covering my face In embarrassment.

"Thou art unharmed master!" Luna said with relief.

"Yes, I'm fine! Mostly. Now stop Calling me that!"

Oh, I’m never going to hear the end of this...

...One short explanation later…

"So to answer your questions; no I'm not madly in love with Cadence and no I didn't rutt Luna, whatever you that means." I explained to them. Happy that everything was more or less clear and that I wasn't going on a date, I leaned back and relaxed.

"You're not?" Cadence said with watery eyes. Everyone at the table cringed.

"I just kinda said that since you looked so happy." I admitted. Cadence sniffles and the others looked at me with disappointment.

"I should have known..." Cadence said sadly. I couldn't take the combined might of all their disappointment and my own guilt.

So I caved.

"Look Cadence, I'll make it up to you." I said with determination.

"You will?" She said with hope.

"L-look, I'll take you out somewhere sometime." I said as I scratch the back of my head nervously, instantly I feel a pair of hoofs wrap around my waist.

“YIPE.” Is all i can say right now, because she is squeezing the life out of me; not even a second and she’s already hugging the life out of me.

"Oh, thank you DJ!!!" She said happily.

"I-I guess I'll throw in a belly rub while I'm at it." I said with a sigh; Celestia and Twilight immediately sat up.

"C-can I have another one?" They said at the same time while looking at me sheepishly.

"I'll think about it..." I say with a flat brow as I tried to pry Cadence off of me.

"What about Luna?" Twilight said. Luna blushed and smiled nervously.

"That is alright, Twilight sparkle. We will be fine rubbing our own belly!" She said quickly.

"Sister! Trust me, it is a must have experience." Celestia said with a nostalgic grin.

"You gave her one too!?" Cadence suddenly exclaimed.

"I kinda sorta did..." I admit nervously. She raises her brow making me laugh nervously.

"Well, at least I get one too... and a date!" She says with a content smile.

"It's not a date Cadence!" I remind.

"You just won't admit it!" Cadence said smugly.

"Don’t quit your day job Cadence..." I say, Rolling my eyes.

"Speaking of dreams... What did you dream about Derrick?" Celestia asked, Bringing every one's attention to me. Luna had the dumbest grin on her face for some reason.

"I, uh… made a cake… and it was- uh... delicious; UH yes VERY delicious!." I lied. Celestia and Cadence gave me this look that said they weren't buying my bullshit. Heh… guess they’re allergic.

"No you didn't." Luna said with a giggle.

"How would you know?" I ask, folding my arms.

"Because we saw it." Luna said casually like it’s an everyday occurrence.

...

...

...

"Oh, that’s cool…,” I stand there completely oblivious for a moment. “OWWWWWWHAT?" I blurted in surprise, my arms dropping lazily to my sides.

"Prince Luna is the guardian of dreams. She's able to enter dreams and can also eliminate nightmares." Twilight explained. After that we all fell silent as I slowly turned to Luna. Who had on that face that Sponge Bob made when Squidward was caught eating crabby patties after he claimed to hate them..

"So...Luna you saw everything huh."

"Everything..." She says with a very malicious look on her face.

"Oh… heh, that's nice." I said as I got up from the table. I need to step out, I can't take the embarrassment.

"Where art thou going?"

"You wanted to play Xbox right?" I say, quickly grabbing my keys.

"Yes, we wished to learn..." Luna says as she gets up.

"Well, I have to buy new controllers!" I say nervously as I scramble to open the front door.

"Where are you going again?" Cadence asked as she teleported in front of me.

"I have to buy a few things," I said as I moved around her.

"Can I come?" She asked with a cute smile. Dammit, she's doing it again! Do these ponies do it on purpose? Or is their cuteness innate?

"Please?" She asked, her ears folding back.

Say no, say no, say no say-

"Yes."

You fucking softie you go dig a hole and bury yourself...

"Yay! Thank you DJ!" She said, hugging me again.

"Yeah, yeah. Stop touching me!" I shout with a blush, making her giggle. She lets me go and I open the door. "We'll be right back, just getting some stuff from the supermarket." I said.

"But you still didn't answer my question!" Celestia states with a frown.

"Let's go Cadence!" I said, quickly pulling her by the hoof outside.

...

"He really doesn't want to share what happened in his dream." Twilight commented.

"It must have been really embarrassing." Celestia said as she restored the shattered tea cup.

"Yes, it must have." Twilight agreed.

"I'm just so curious..." Celestia said with a frustrated look.

"I am too." Twilight admitted.

"Sister, what was his dream about?" Celestia asked.

"I don't think she's just going to give out information like th-"

"T'was about the four of us bathing and behaving in an aggressive flirty manner." Luna said casually. Twilight and Celestia blushed and looked at each other awkwardly.

"I think I was better off not knowing princess."

"Me too.." Celestia turns slightly red.

Author's Note

Notes: Hmm… all I'm going to say is ponies are making moves in the dark.

A huge thanks to NLR_DE_Fusion for making this chapter shine! Google docs came in handy!

Anyway, you probably won't get the senpai thing if you don't watch anime so just replace it with "Master" or "Daddy".

As far as the Sponge Bob face... I'm sure you all had good childhoods(or Google skills) and already know exactly what face Derrick described.

The next chapter doesn't count as Cadence's bonding trip, but it should score her some points. As for Twilight, I'm going to give her more screen time or whatever.

Funny thing is I originally planned to end the chapter after Tia and DJ left the bathroom.