Tonight, a Comedian Died in Canterlot.
My dearest little ponies. If you are reading this, then I have officially kicked the bucket. I hope I went out in a suitably noble and dignified fashion, as befitting my legacy of selfless heroics, and that I didn't just choke to death on a fish bone or something. In any case, now that I am as dead as a doornail, I have several last requests which I expect to be carried out, and it is of vital importance that they are followed to the letter.
While many of you may be inclined to ignore my wishes (yes, I'm looking at you, Rainbow Dash), it is of absolute necessity that you do not. As the Spirit of Chaos, my "duties" are very important. Far more important than I may have led you to believe. If my instructions here are not followed, you may upset the balance of the world for generations to come. On the other hand, if they are followed properly, I promise that the next Spirit of Chaos after me will be extremely grateful for your efforts. He or she may even refrain from turning you all into cacti, if any of you are still alive by that time.
First of all, there's my burial. Don't do it. I know that you ponies often like to bury your dead, but I'm not a pony. My people had their own traditions. Ancient draconequus funeral rites had the deceased's heart removed and preserved (I think it was meant to symbolise something, but I don't remember what), and their body thrown into a volcano (since our draconic body parts were resistant to most other forms of cremation). I'm not usually one for tradition, but I want a variation of this.
Specifically, you should remove my heart and throw that into the volcano. Be warned that my heart doesn't look like a heart and is also not located where you'd think it should be. It moves around a lot. You'll know it when you see it, because it'll be giving out an ominous red glow, and gazing upon it causes auditory hallucinations. Then I want the rest of my body preserved. I want it stuffed in a pose that makes it look like I'm pointing and laughing at the rest of you, and I want it mounted on the wall above Celestia's throne.
As well, before this is done, I'd like for my blood to be drained from my body, and for somepony to skip around the entire perimeter of the Everfree Forest, sprinkling it on the ground behind them as they go. It is very important that it circles the entire forest. If the blood trail causes cracks in the earth to open and begin spawning foul creatures, just ignore them and keep going. If left to their own devices, I promise that the chaos demons won't harm anypony, though you may still want to avoid the forest for a few years afterwards.
For my funeral itself, I wish for Pinkie Pie to do the planning. It must not be a weepy, crying affair. Boredom is about the worst torture that any being could inflict upon me, so being boring is not a good way to honour my memory. My funeral must be colourful, loud, and bombastic. I expect stand-up comedians, performing animals, and completely tasteless music. Make sure that my stuffed body is present for the duration of the funeral, and position me so that it looks like I'm mocking the mourners.
Also, please prepare a buffet table which includes suitably chaotic food; I fully expect alternate versions of myself to crash the party, and they must be catered for. I haven't actually sent any invitations, but I know myself. I've personally helped ruin the funerals of at least twelve alternate Discords already, so be prepared for shenanigans. If any of my counterparts ask to give a speech, let them. It will probably be hilarious.
Instead of a memorial stone, I want a memorial tree. Trees grow and change, unlike stone. Plant it as a seed at the funeral, and force it to grow super fast. I'd also prefer it if somepony who can use chaos magic would kindly mutate the tree in some amusing fashion. Maybe make the leaves pink or something. If you want, you can then attach a plaque to the tree, but I'm not bothered. Just be sure you don't put something sickeningly cliché on it.
Included in this will are a series of private letters for each of my friends (and also Rainbow Dash) to be opened whenever you please. Twilight Sparkle's one includes an additional speech by myself that I wish to be read at the funeral, and I request that she not read it before that event. When it's time, I would like for her to animate my corpse with magic to make it read out the speech to the assembled ponies, unless any alternate Discords are present at the funeral, in which case, one of them can do it.
I also need somepony to clean house for me. Since being freed, I have made my home in a small pocket dimension above Canterlot. Celestia's letter includes instructions for accessing it. It must be opened, cleared out, and collapsed. There are several animals living in that realm that will not survive without me regularly returning there to create more food for them. They should be good for a few months, but better to be safe than sorry. I leave it up to Fluttershy what to do with them, with the sole exception of the Dream Eater, who I must insist be sent back to Vanaheim in Luna's care.
Once the animals are free, I would then like you all to locate some books in this realm. I have no idea how long you'll be searching, but you're looking for two of them. The first is a journal. It's small, brown, bound in conjured leather, has a plain cover, and is written in invisible ink. This is for Fluttershy, AND NOBODY ELSE. The second is a large, grey-green tome titled Biblia Discordia. It has its name on the spine but not the cover. This is for Twilight Sparkle, as I think she'll find it enlightening. It's a comprehensive guide to all things chaos, compiled by one of my cultists in ages past. Be careful when reading it, because it's cursed. Just thought I'd warn you about that in case you thought I was deliberately trying to corrupt you from beyond the grave.
Once the books and animals are retrieved, collapse the dimension and let the rest of my property be destroyed and/or scattered. Don't try to save anything else. Some things are better left buried.
And finally, I would like for you ponies to locate a mare called Screwball. You'll know her by her cutie mark. I have no idea where she is at present, but I suggest that you begin your search with the local asylums. Once she is found, speak these exact words to her: "Father is asleep, but the job isn't done." Don't worry if she's not conscious at the time. It'll still work. Be sure to do this in a large, open space.
Screwball is going to be filling in for me until the next true Spirit of Chaos comes along. She has a portion of my power sealed within her. Not enough to conquer Equestria, but enough to ruin Svaðilfari's day if he ever tries to take advantage of my death to bring "true order" back to Equestria. I think it's only fair to warn you that Screwball probably won't know how to use it, and that she may be dangerous. I humbly request that you refrain from blasting her with any hideously overpowered Tree of Harmony superweapons if she gets out of hoof. She really is a sweet girl. Be a friend to her, like you were to me, and you won't need to fear anything. Chaos isn't naturally friendly, but it can learn to be. You've all shown me that.
And I think that's everything. Knowing me, I've probably forgotten plenty of important things, so I'll periodically return to rewrite this will as I think of them. I did initially laugh at Celestia's suggestion that I prepare for the worst in this way, but the truth is that I do make a lot of enemies, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear the possibility myself. For what it's worth, I apologise to whoever it was that found my body. I can't imagine it was a pretty sight, considering what it takes to kill me.
But that said, I'd like to thank you all for being my friends for as long as you have. Friendship has made my life very interesting these past few years, and I hope to carry forward the lessons I've learned from all of you into the next one.
See you out there.
–Discord
Author's Note
This story is a part of the Borderworld.
I wrote this because I have more important things that I should be writing instead, like my university coursework, but I'm a chronic procrastinator and I can't help myself. So have another Discord-centric oneshot. Apparently those are my specialty now.
