I'll Make a Guard Out of You.

by KaptainSturnn

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 2538

A soldier from Earth was sent to Equestria for a reason he cannot remember. His skills as a warrior didn't go unnoticed by Princess Celestia thus she put him to use as the Royal Guards Head Drill Sergeant, with singing!

You knows those days your bored out of your mind and you randomly type up a story. Yeah, this is one of those fics. Though the idea started in a Thread in HiE, I thought about just typing it up for the heck of it.

To sum it up, the Royal Guard is weakly structured and trained. A human with military background gets dropped in Equestria for no apparent reason. The Griffins invade Manehattan, now its up to the human to train the Royal Guard to be able to fight the Griffins and retake the city, with singing!

(Warning: Not much comedy if none at all. Though you may find the story amusing, I don't know. If you dislike the fic then go ahead and dislike the hell of out of it if you want.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-17 23:50:01 UTC

Protect and Serve

“The Griffins did what?!” Yelled a male voice.

“I’m afraid so, the Griffins have taken Manehatten and are using it as a staging area for an invasion.” Replied a gentle woman's voice. Despite the calmness in her voice there was a hint of anger in it.

“Then what are we waiting for?! Send in our guards and retake the city!” Said the Canterlot noble. He was a stallion going by Greedy Needy. If someone were to stuff all the spoiled traits and ignorance of nobles into one body it would be him.

“As much as I wish we could send in our Guard and retake the city it would be impossible. We are outnumbered, our command structure is weak, and our guards are outclassed in training. It would be a battle we would lose and would leave us defenseless.” Explained Princess Celestia.

“Who cares about the lives of the Guards, I have important investments in Manehattan! I’ll go bankrupt at this rate!” The lack of caring for life made Princess Celestia inwardly cringe and guards within’ the council room glare at the stallion. Greedy did seem to live up to his name. Princess Celestia wished she could give him a piece of her mind, sadly he also supplied a lot of finances for the Royal Sisters. She didn't want to get on his bad side.

“Well, there is a way.” Spoke up Princess Luna. “However, many may not agree with it.”

The council members and Celestia looked upon the youngest sister with curiosity on what she was applying. “Very well, let us hear your proposal.”

“Thank you.” Luna stood up from her chair and walked up to the base of the throne. “Many of you already know of the creature who calls himself a human. I personally interviewed him and he says he was in his nation's military. A Captain no less. With what he said I have come to believe that his nation’s military outclasses any other in the world. If we can convince him to help us in defeating the Griffins, your investments could be saved before more damage is caused to them and we can retake the city.”

Greedy Needy’s ears pierced up at this. Though many in Canterlot saw the human as an abomination, he had to agree that the human was far more experienced. The room fell silent for a moment before the head of the council stood up.

“Though I do not agree with allowing a creature such as it into our Guard it seems that we have no other choice. No pony is more experienced than it is, and the Guard is looking for a new Captain and the choices we have been given have been… disappointing.” She said looking around the room. “All in favor of allowing the human into the Guards ranks raise your hoof.” Nearly more than half the room raised theirs, mostly out of greed but none the less it would be enough. “Then its settled then, Princess Celestia. Do you agree?”

“Yes, I do.”

__________

A group of recruits walked out of their barracks and began to line up along the walls awaiting their commander. They had it pretty easy, however that was all going to change.

“Where’s is he?” Wondered a random Unicorn as he scanned the area. Soon his eyes landed on a bi-pedal creature approaching with their drill instructor beside him. Said instructor had a scowl planted on his face and looking at the ground.

The human had very light skin, his eyes were emerald and hair black as night. He wore an olive uniform and had a scraggly beard growing on his face. The instructor walked into the recruiters and joined their ranks. Many were confused until the human spoke up.

“Good morning.” He said. “I am Captain Andrew Stone and I will be your new commanding officer. I have been put in charge of you nations military by the Princesses and the Noble Council. As for why many of you may not know, but the Griffin Kingdoms has taken over the city of Manehattan.” Gasps of shock came from the group. The Griffins invaded Manehattan? It seemed impossible, many wanted to call him a liar, but the seriousness in his voice said otherwise.

“Now I’ll get straight to it. My job is to make sure that you a prepared for the upcoming battle to retake Manehattan. These next six weeks will not be easy, as you will be pushing you bodies to their physical limits. The way you were being trained, you can wave goodbye because I’m gonna make sure that the next six weeks will feel like hell on earth. You will not cry, you will not rest, I will wear down until you can’t stand straight.” The stallions flinched yelled directly into their faces. “As you will noticed your old instructor is among you, I have been ordered to retrain various guardsman starting with him for he can get a taste of what it’s like to be constructed into a real soldier!”

“Alright, listen up you maggots!” The man yelled as he cracked his knuckles. “Let’s get down to business. To defeat, the Griffins.”

        The Guards looked at the human as if he had gone insane. Though it was common around Equestria for ponies to randomly break out into song, they never expected it from him.

        “Did they send me colts? When I asked, for stallions?” The human approached the group and glared down at a young green Pegasus who began to shake in fear under his Captains gaze. “You’re the saddest herd I ever met, but you can bet before we’re through. Mister, I’ll make a guard out of you.”

        The recruits soon found themselves inside the whitetail woods sitting around a roaring campfire. Luna’s night sky shined above them as the moons gentle glow rained down upon them.

        “Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within.” Said the human sitting on the other side of the campfire. He had put his right hand across his heart . “Once you find your center, you are sure to win!”

        They were now wandering through the Everfree Forest, a young mare named Fluttershy had come along with them to make sure none of the aggressive beasts attacked them. As they were walking a large manticore jumped out of some bushes and roared at them. The recruits all backpedaled from the beast, some getting ready to run. However, before they could Fluttershy had already put down the beast with belly rubs. Many stallions looked at the scene with shock and confusion, others still getting ready to run.

        “You're a spineless, pale, pathetic herd and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a guard out of you.” Said the human as he turned to face them. He looked down upon them with a gaze of disappointment. The fact that the stallions under his command would run away from a single manticore. Meanwhile a young Pegasus mare, most importantly the shy, gentle, and most of all kind Element of Kindness had a bigger pair than them.

        They soon returned to Canterlot where they ran laps around the entire castle.

        “I'm never gonna catch my breath.” Sang a dark brown Earth Pony as he ran.

        “Say goodbye to those who knew me.” Sang a Unicorn who had collapsed on the ground.

        “Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym.” A Pegasus had his wings tied to his body by a rope as he climbed an obstacle course.

        “This thing’s got 'em scared to death.” Sang a Canterlot noble who had been walking through the garden watching them.

        “Hurr hm mmmm hmm hurm mhhh mh.” A muffled singalong came from a unicorn who had his muzzle buried in the mud.

        “Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!” An Earth Pony sang looking down into the gardens lake as the rest of the group did laps around it.

        “Protect and serve!” Sang a chorus that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Many of the recruits backpedaled upon their appearance, even the human raised his brow. He shook his head and looked back to his trainees with a smile.

        “We must be swift as a coursing river!” They struggled against a river's current as they made their way towards the finish line of the course.

        “Protect and serve!”

        “With all the force of a great typhoon!” The pegasi flew through the clouds battling harsh winds and dodging lightning. The green Pegasus got hit by one and was thrown out of the obstacle course, just as he was about to hit the ground his was caught by a unicorn’s magic.

        “Protect and serve!”

        “With all the strength of a raging fire!” A unicorn blasted a training dummy with a powerful spell that made it fly off its stand. He had launched it past the castle walls and it landed on Bluebloods table as he was drinking some tea. Said tea splashed all over him, the scolding hot water caused him to freak out and run all around the castle yelling in pain.

        Soon night fell and the Captain stood alone in the garden, unseen in the shadows something moved silently towards him. He looked to where he thought he saw something, however he dismissed it as one of the many exotic animals that roamed the garden at night.

        “Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.”

Then something poked him in the back. Turning around he came eye-to-eye with a bat-pony stallion who had successfully snuck up behind him. The bat-pony looked worried for a second as if he had failed. However, the human merely raised a hand and curled it up into a fist, a proud smile on his face. The batpony was confused for a moment before getting his meaning and brohoofed the human.

        “Time is racing toward us, till the Griffins arrive!” It was morning and the human was walking in front of his now geared up unit who stood side-by-side. “Heed my every order, and you might survive!”

        The green Pegasus from before sat alone on his bunk and stared at the ground. A look of sadness crossed his features, he had worked so hard to get where he was and now he was failing.

        “You're unsuited for the rage of war.” The Pegasus jumped when the humans voice shattered the silence. He walked out of the shadows and approached him. Sitting down next to the Pegasus the man put a hand on his shoulder. “So pack up, go home you're through.”

        The human then raised up from where he was sitting and looked back down to him.

        “How could I make a guard out of you?” With that the human walked out of the barracks. However, instead of packing up his things and leaving a new fire sparked in the Pegasuses heart. Quickly putting on his gear he walked outside and joined his comrades. Many seemed surprised to see him, but the human? A smile grew onto his face.

With a look of determination the Pegasus faced what challenges they had ahead.

“Protect and serve!”

“We must be swift as a coursing river!” They once again swam in the river, however this time fully armored up and carry their weapons. Unlike last time they didn't struggle through it and easily made it to the finish line despite the extra weight. Heck when the next unit arrived, that was being trained by another officer, they had to dive into the water to prevent a few from getting carried off or worse, drown.

“Protect and serve!”

“With all the force of a great typhoon!” Once again the pegasi flew through a storm, this time the green pegasus was able to expertly maneuver through the clouds and lighting at speeds that would put the Wonderbolts to shame.

“Protect and serve!”

“With all the strength of a raging fire!” Now the units Unicorns shot true and knew how much power to apply to a spell. Their accuracy was dead on and could even hit moving targets at one-hundred yards.

“Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.” They now wait within the Unicorn Ranges hills, covered up by shadows the hills created within the night and awaited the approaching Griffin army.

“Protect and serve!”

“We must be swift as a coursing river!” Now they were battling the Griffin forces within the range. Heavily outnumbered they fought with all their might. The poorly trained Griffins were no match for the fit, cunning, and determined guards. Earth Ponies charged the Griffins head on with spears and swords.

“Protect and serve!”

“With all the force of a great typhoon!” The pegasi had constructed a powerful storm above causing the weaker Griffins to be grounded. Since the pegasi were used to flying through the harsh winds thanks to their training they easily combated the Griffins that were able to take to the sky.

“Protect and serve!”

“With all the strength of a raging fire!” Unicorns had taken positions on top of hills by the order of their human Captain. It gave them the height advantage and they were easily able to pick off any Griffin who tried to take to the sky or the more threatening ones at a range. On the ground the commanders of the two armies engaged in one-on-one combat. The human vs the Griffin, they slashed, punched, and clawed at each other. The human had the size advantage on his side making it easy to hit the Griffin. The Griffin on the other hand had rarely fought bi-pedals and was at a huge disadvantage.

Sadly, luck seemed to be against the human that day as the Griffin was able to land a blow to the gut. The human yelled in pain as he went down. He tried to get back up, the tip of the now bloody sword was placed against his neck. A triumphant grin on the Griffins face he raised his sword for the final blow.

“Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.”

The green Pegasus dived down to the ground and with one well placed swipe killed the Griffin commander. After standing there for a moment he made his way over to his Captain. Offering him a hoof the human’s hand wrapped around it as the pegasus helped him to his feet. They began to limp off the battlefield that was starting to turn in their favor. The Griffins moral crushed upon the death of their commander made them disorganized and easy targets. Soon they were in a full out retreat.

The human was dropped off at a medical tent. The Pegasus who helped him here stayed by his side that night, guarding his injured commander. Sleep was starting to get to him, however he forced himself awake. He flinched as a hand was placed on his shoulder.

“You did good kid, real good. Now get some rest, that is an order.” The human commanded. The Pegasus was conflicted for a moment, he wanted to stay awake and watch over the one who gave him the determination to carry on. However, he soon found himself laying on the ground slowly closing his eyes.