“Well this is odd, inn’it.”
Applejack found herself standing on a beach. In front of her was a great lake – no, a sea, so far across she couldn’t see the other side. The waters of the sea were a dark, gloomy grey, and the pebbles which shifted under her hooves an inky black. Above her was a black sky – nighttime? No, there were no stars in this sky.
“Now what in the hay is goin’ on.” Applejack muttered to herself. Most ponies would be worried, but not Applejack – she was a practical pony, and she accepted things as they were.
Applejack turned around and saw a great stone wall. Embedded in the gray stone was a wooden door. She tried to open it, only to find it locked.
Turning back to the great sea, she was surprised to find a wooden sign poking out of the ground. “Was that there before?” Applejack mumbled to herself. She took a closer look at the old sign, which was worn and gnarled, looking like it had stood here for ages.
“Ring for Service” read the sign, in an elegant, cursive font. Attached to a corner of the sign was a small silver bell, swaying ever so slightly, even though there was no breeze.
Applejack shrugged, and reached her hoof out, ringing the bell. Instead of the light tinkle she was expecting, the bell gave a great gong, reverberating through the air and across the ocean’s surface.
Applejack blinked, and just like that, a boat was approaching the shore. Like the sign, the boat hadn’t been there before – Applejack could see for miles along the lake, yet this boat only appeared now.
A soft swish of a paddle became audible as the boat approached – a canoe, made of the same gnarled wood as the sign. Applejack saw a pony in a black cloak, carrying a wooden oar, paddling the boat along ever so slowly. It was as though he had all the time in the world.
A soft crunch, and the boat was docked upon the stony shore. The pony looked up at Applejack, laying his paddle against the boat.
The two stared at each other. Finally, Applejack broke the silence. “…howdy.” She said hesitantly.
“Hello.” said the pony in a reedy, scratchy voice.
There was another pause.
“That’s a… nice boat you got there.” Applejack commented, pointing a hoof at the rotting wooden canoe, which looked like it would fall apart right there on the shore.
“Thank you.” The mysterious figure replied, nodding ever so slightly.
“Um… what’s your name?” Applejack asked, trying to be hospitable.
“I am Charon.” said the pony, “and I have come to ferry you across.”
“Whoa, slow down there, pardner.” Applejack said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, but I don’t even know where I am, let alone why I should get into a boat with a stranger.”
“You are dead. I have come to ferry you into the afterlife.” Charon told Applejack, his voice not changing at all.
A pregnant pause, only interrupted by the waves of the lake gently lapping at the boat.
“Okay.” Applejack said, shrugging.
Charon tilted his cloaked head. “That’s it?” he enquired. “Most souls are… reluctant… to cross.”
“Well, it makes sense, don’it.” Applejack said, gesturing her hoof around. “The gloomy atmosphere, the lake, the boat – all fits Granny’s stories. And if I am dead, there’s no sense fightin’ it, now is there.”
Charon looked at Applejack for a long time. “You are wise, Applejack Apple. Wiser than a great many ponies.”
“Thank y’ kindly.” Applejack said, nodding. “Now, I don’t really have anything to pay you with – that’s how this works, right? I gotta pay you a coin or somethin’ ta cross?”
“No need.” Charon stated. “Your soul is worthy. Climb aboard.”
Applejack smiled gently, and took a step forward.
“WAIT!”
Applejack stopped, looking up. Spiraling downwards was a long, serpentine figure. “Oh, you’re kiddin’ me.” She muttered.
“Wait!” Discord cried as he landed on the beach. “Oh thank heavens, I’m not too late.” He looked to Applejack. “Please don’t get on that boat, Applejack, please!”
Applejack sighed, looking to Charon. “Sorry, I gotta talk ta this idiot. Hope you don’t mind waiting.” Applejack said bluntly to the ferryman.
“My dear,” Charon stated, “Aside from this oar, this boat, and this cloak, Time is the only thing I have in abundance.”
“…good for you.” Applejack said, before turning back to Discord. “All right, Discord, what’s up.”
“Right, Applejack, listen,” Discord said. “I’m taking you back to the land of the living. Let me just-“
Discord stretched out a claw, only to have Applejack slap it away. “Now hold on just a hootenanny there you snake!” She said, brow narrowed. “Why the hay should I go with you anyway?!”
“…Because if you don’t, you’ll die?” Discord said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Well, if it’s my time, it’s my time, now, inn’it.” Applejack said. “Who am I to mess around with all the spectral whoozawhatsits of the universe. Can’t just come back to life - if I’m meant to die, I should die. That’s what everypony else does, inn’it?”
Discord stared at Applejack like she’d grown wings. “Right, enough of this.” He said, reaching out and wrapping his lion’s paw around Applejack. “We’re going back.”
A bright flash, and Applejack looked around to see… nothing had changed. Discord groaned. “Oh, you gotta be kiddin’ me.”
“You may not take her.” Charon stated from his position on the raft. “Only if she wishes to go back, may she go back. Not even you can break the rules of death so easily, master of chaos.”
Discord sighed. “Applejack,” he began, “You’re getting what most ponies dream about – a second chance at life. You’d be a fool not to take it-“
“And I’d be a fool to take that deal, wouldn’t I?!” Applejack cried. “I mean, I’m makin’ a deal with you! Discord! Master of tricks and deceit! You’ll probably take mah firstborn child as payment or whatever!”
“Nonono, no catches, I promise!” Discord said, a halo appearing over his head as he crossed his fingers in front of himself.
“Likely story.” Applejack said, rolling her eyes. “Ah wasn’t born yesterday, Discord.” She walked towards Charon’s boat.
“Wait!” Discord cried out, stretching his paw. “You don’t understand! You weren’t meant to die yet!”
Applejack paused, slowly turning around to Discord, who had covered his mouth. “What’s that now?”
“Um, well…” Discord said, looking away from her. “Y’see, I… it’s a funny story, really… I mean, I kinda… you sorta were…”
“You’re hidin’ somethin’.” Applejack said, narrowing her brows. “I hate liars.”
Discord sighed. “Okay, fine. You want the truth? I’ll give you the truth.”
“Fine. I can’t wait ta hear it.” Applejack said, sitting down on the pebbled shore.
Discord rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… It was a prank.” Discord said.
“A prank.” Applejack echoed, eyes half-closed.
“Right.” Discord said. “See, you were bucking apples, and I was feeling mischevious, you know me. And so I go up to you, and we start talking. You tell me how much you love bucking those trees-“
“That I do.” Applejack said, nodding.
“So you were bucking them, and I had an idea.” Discord continued. “I said, ‘Man, you really love money.’ And you looked at me, and you had that little pouty lip on like you ponies always do when you’re mad, it’s so cute – anyways, I said, “Man, you must really like money to be so enthusiastic about bucking those trees.”
“What?” Applejack asked.
“See, that’s what you said back in the orchard!” Discord said, nodding, “And I was all like, ‘well, that’s why you love these trees so much, right? For money? I mean, the apples must fetch a mean price on the market.’ And you got all angry, and told me that wasn’t true, that you loved those apple trees like they were your own kin.”
“Yeah… Becky, and Suzy… I named a bunch of trees for you… it’s starting to come back now…” Applejack said, a fog in her mind that she didn’t know was there lifting. “So, what happened next?”
“Well, I was all like, ‘If you love apple trees so much, why don’t you be one?’ and I turned you into an apple tree.”
“…What was that last bit?”
“I… ahem… turned you into an apple tree?” Discord said, nervously.
“You whut?!” Applejack asked angrily. “Why you dirty, lowdown snake!”
“Hey, it was all in good fun!” Discord said, raising his hands defensively. “I mean, I was planning to turn you back into a pony at the end of the day! It was a joke, that’s all!”
“Hmph.” Applejack grunted. “Sounds like something you’d do.”
“Yeah. It does, doesn’t it.” Discord said, scratching the back of his head with a chuckle. “And to be fair, it was really funny… until the… you know, the accident.”
“What accident?” Applejack said, a sinking feeling beginning to appear in her stomach.
“Well, see,” Discord said, “I was going to leave you there for just a few hours, just as a gag… and so I left… and then… well, y’see, the Cutie Mark Crusaders-“
“Ah. Shoulda guessed.” Applejack said.
“So the crusaders were practicing their cutie marks in, erm, rocket science…” Discord said, looking even more nervous than before. “And, well, you know how they are…”
“I know how they are.”
“And, well… this led to that, and they…” Discord said, his voice trailing off. “settheorchardonfire.”
“They wut.” Applejack said, her voice barely containing her rage.
“Yeah, they… set the orchard on fire.” Discord said, sweating nervously. “And, well, you – well, the tree you – were in the same general vicinity, and well, um…”
“Is my sister okay? Her friends? Was anyone harmed?” Applejack asked.
“Um…” Discord paused. “Yeah, they made it out okay.”
“Well okay then. Good to know.” Applejack said, getting up and walking towards the boat again.
“W-wait! Where are you-“
“I died, di’nt I.” Applejack said, in a monotone. “I died, fair and square.”
“Nonono, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go!” Discord said frantically. “You were supposed to come back with me-“
“And why the hell should I?!” Applejack yelled, stomping her hoof. “I died, fair and square.”
“But you gotta come back with me!” Discord begged.
“Why.” Applejack said.
Discord looked at her, confused. “Why not?” he asked.
“I’m serious, Discord.” Applejack said. “Convince me why I should go back with you.”
“Well, for starters, you’ll die. You don’t want to die, do you?” Discord said.
“I don’t want to, but I did. Thanks ta you.” Applejack growled, and Discord winced.
“Your family – the farm! They’ll be in danger without you!” Discord cried. “They could starve!”
Applejack sighed. “Discord… while that may be true… Is it really fair? I mean, think of the billions of ponies who DON’T have god-friends with powers of life and death. A bunch of them probably died and left their family screwed over – Why should I be the lucky one who gets to come back?”
“I-“
“Hay, why not just bring everyone back?!” Applejack cried, now angry. “Why not Fluttershy’s parents? Why not Pinkie’s sister? Why not mah par-“ she stopped, choking back a sob.
Discord frowned. “Applejack…”
“Discord, why are you even doing this?” Applejack said. “Why me?”
“Because… because we’re fr-“
“DON’T LIE TA ME!” Applejack roared, causing Discord to flinch. “Don’t feed me some horseapples about wanting to save me because a’ friendship or guilt – that ain’t your way. The only way you’d save me is if it would benefit you in some way. And that’s just it, inn’it.” Applejack growled, glaring.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Discord said, shaking his head.
“lies, lies, lies, lies, LIES!” Applejack screamed. “Tell me the goddamn truth! I know it, you know it!”
Discord looked away, hanging his head.
“There’s only one reason you came here ta save me – and that’s ta save yer own sorry hide.” Applejack hissed, in a voice barely above a whisper. “If I were ta die, ponies would start asking questions. Why didn’t I run? Why didn’t I call for help?
“Now, I’ll admit, ya might get away with yer li’l crime – might be able to pull off your big fat lie.” Applejack glared at Discord with all the hate in her being. “But you and I both know that wouldn’t work. Twilight would be on the case. Twilight, the smartest pony in all of Equestria. I don’t know how, but she’d figure it out – she solved ancient magical algorithms when she was twelve, she’ll figure out about your little magic trick. She’ll put the pieces together, use some fancy magic mumbo jumbo bullshit.
“And when she does figure out what you done wrong? When she figures out you killed her friend? When Celestia figures out you killed an element bearer?” Applejack chuckled darkly. “There won’t be enough bits on the planet equal to the bounty on your head. And when Twilight gets her hooves on you, all the torture in Tartarus will pale in comparison to what she’ll do ta you.
“You may be immortal, but you can still bleed.”
“All right!” Discord said, throwing his claw/paw up in the air. “You’re right, okay?! I only wanted to save you in order to save myself.”
Applejack nodded. “That settles it, then. I don’t deserve to be saved – and if it means you’ll get what you’ve earned yourself, then I’ll go to the other side.” Applejack walked over, and finally climbed into the boat.
“I’m sorry.”
Applejack paused yet again. “What was that?”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Applejack.” Discord said, looking over to Applejack, misery in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to – I honestly didn’t. Faust, I never dreamed anything like this would happen.”
“That don’ make it right.” Applejack said, crossing her forelegs.
“Applejack, I don’t kill ponies.”
“Yes ya di-“
“I DON’T!” Discord roared, causing Applejack to flinch. “I would never kill a pony of my own volition! It’s such a waste! Death is so…” Discord rolled his eyes. “So boring! There’s no change, no evolution, no free will! Death is the opposite of chaos – even more so than harmony! Death is just… no fun.”
Discord sighed, a long, long sigh.
“I never kill, Applejack.” Discord said, shaking his head. “I ruled this world for millennia, and in all that time, I never killed anypony. Not once.
“Death isn’t just unchaotic – it’s a waste. A shameful, disgusting waste. Every pony contributes their own brand of unique chaos to the world. I’m just the embodiment of that chaos – I was formed from it, molded by it. Those ponies, though… they were the ones who created the mold. I would never kill them. Never.”
Discord looked at Applejack. “Even you, Applejack – even you provide chaos to the world.”
A cloud appeared from Discord’s ear, and in the cloud, Applejack saw her farm. “your farm – a shining example of order, no? Everything in its proper place. But, what if ponies never existed?”
The picture changed, and Applejack’s barn dissolved into the ground, replaced with rabid overgrowth and animals crawling through the brushes. “Things would be completely different.
“You ponies leave marks upon this world. Marks which, though orderly, are change nevertheless. By merely existing, you ponies are changing this world – you constantly evolve, shape, mold the world to your liking. Without you, this world would be empty, just stupid animals. I would be barely a fragment of myself, if not for ponies.”
“Don’t see how this relates ta me.” Applejack said.
“I’m getting to it. Hold yourself.” Discord said. “Applejack… I don’t want you to die. It’s not just to myself, it really isn’t. It’s because without you, there’s less chaos in the world. An incremental amount, yes, but missing chaos nonetheless. It would be a complete and utter waste to let you die like this.
“Applejack, I don’t want you to die because you are a vital part of this community. Without you, Ponyville would fall into disarray.” The scene in the cloud changed, showing a grey, gloomy town. “Without you, Ponyville would be dead and lifeless. Everything revolves around you – the apple seller and her stand. Everypony knows you, everypony is friends with you.
“Really, Applejack, I may be saving you for myself, but I am also saving you for everypony else. You are a part of their hearts more than you could possibly know. Everyone knows who you are. You, Pinkie, Twilight, Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Derpy, Carrot Top – everypony knows everypony in Ponyville. It’s like delicately crafted wall – one part is missing, and the entire thing comes crashing down.
“Applejack, please come back.” Discord said. “You truly weren’t meant to die like this. You were meant to die many years from now, in a bed, quietly, surrounded by loving friends and family – not to some stupid prank. Please, come back with me. Don’t do it for me – do it for Ponyville.”
An eternal silence.
At long last, Applejack lifted a hoof out of the boat. “I’ll go with you. For Ponyville. Not for your sorry hide.”
“Excellent!” Discord said. “Now come on, if we leave now nobody will notice you were go-“
“On one condition.” Applejack continued. “Take it or leave it.”
Discord tilted his head, before sighing. “It appears you have me trapped. I need you to come back, or else…” He said, a noose forming around his neck. “Very well. What is your term.”
“Only this.” Applejack said. “You tell everypony exactly what happened. You tell them what you did – you tell them that you got me killed.”
“What?!” Discord cried. “But – but if I tell them…”
“Yeah. Your ass is grass.” Applejack said, bluntly as ever.
“…couldn’t you just settle for power, or gold? Like a normal pony?” Discord asked miserably.
“I’m an Apple, Discord.” Applejack said. “And we Apples are honest to the core. If I go back with you and we lie to everypony, pretend this never happened – it’ll go against everything I stand for. You’re going to have to stand up and take your medicine.”
Discord paused, thinking. Applejack sighed. “I’m doing this so that you don’t benefit from this.” She said. “If you truly meant what you said earlier – about taking me back because I’m an essential part of the community, and not in order to save yourself – you’ll take my offer, without hesitation, even though it means taking punishment yourself.”
Discord stared at Applejack. Then he chuckled. A laugh welled up his throat and burst out through his mouth, as he fell onto his back on the black-pebbled shore. “I like the way you think!” Discord howled. “Oh, the irony of the situation is so delicious that even I can’t help but appreciate it!”
Discord stood up, still snickering. “Oh, I like you, Applejack. You’re a cunning one.” He said, grinning.
“Thank y’kindly.” Applejack said. “Now, you promise to tell everypony about-“
“Yes yes.” Discord said, raising his hand and crossing his fingers. “You can trust a draconequus to keep his promise – mostly because you can never get his promise in the first place.”
“Okay, I’m holdin’ ya to that.” Applejack said, walking over to Discord. She turned back to the ferryman. “I’ll be seeing you, Charon. Looks like I’m goin’ back after all.”
“By all means.” Charon said, nodding. “Watching this has been the most fun I’ve had in a long time.”
Applejack walked over to Discord, who scooped her up under his arm. And just like that, a snap and a flash, and the two were gone.
Charon stared at the spot where they’d been, before sighing. He pulled out a pocketwatch, checking it before stowing it back in his cloak, and pushing off the shore with his paddle, back into the dark waters.
Author's Note
And that's it! This was an attempt for me to write a story with little to no comedic elements - a difficult task, since I usually write in a style where I naturally interweave jokes with the story. In any case, was this little experiment into the forays of seriousness a success? Let me know in the comments, or at least drop a like!
As always, comment if you spot any errors.
P.S. Props to anyone who catches the tiny reference to a terrible sci-fi movie which I shoved in there.
