Apple Bloom was outside. It was great. A normal, great, non-explosive day. No burning trees, no burning food (she will never eat Sweetie Belle's cooking again), no burning chickens, and certainly no burning cows. She was glad none of what she thought of had happened, especially the last one, which, in her mind, was extremely important.
Apple Bloom smiled.
Today was the day she will ride her first cow.
Apple Bloom walked out the barn with a whip in her maw, searching for Bertha, the cow she knew by heart. Bertha was a leader, and boy she was better than Betsy, who almost told Apple Bloom to go milk some other cow's udders when Apple Bloom mentioned the idea to her. Figures, cows are frustrated when they aren't milked properly.
Apple Bloom sighed. She had to deal with Betsy once. Her udders were a huge problem, since when they squirted, the milk would be going out faster than a garden hose could shoot water. It was terrifying for a foal like her to be gripping and attempting to hold on to an utterly explosive release of milk like that.
She shuddered as she walked towards the cow pen. Apple Bloom couldn't deal with the strength of Betsy and her utterly uncontrollable spray at that time. It was... overwhelming to say the least. Applejack and Big Mac had to go in and stop that udder before it deflated like a balloon. Apple Bloom wished she was like her sister. Applejack was able to control a wild udder and buck apples down with ease while she couldn't do much. However, Apple Bloom was going to prove to her sister today that she could ride one first. After all, riding farm animals is an experience for any farmer in the area!
She smiled and gazed at her target. Bertha was a large cow--largest one on the farm as a matter of fact. She was nice though, Apple Bloom thought, her mind taking her to a place of her yesteryear, where Bertha went and knocked a timberwolf right on its wooden butt. Bertha saved her life, and if there's anything that she admires is a cow with some sass. As a result, Apple Bloom knew she was the perfect candidate for her first cow ride. Apple Bloom approached her with a kind smile.
"Hello, Bertha!"
Bertha, on the other hoof, was just minding her own business. She had gotten a clump of grass lodged in-between her two front teeth and she was angrily trying to wedge them out. However, when she heard Apple Bloom's calling, she couldn't help but leave it there. Let Apple Bloom see it, she thought, smiling wide for her. Maybe she'd be able to get it out.
"My, Bertha! You have some grass in your teeth!"
Bingo, she thought. bingo and checkmate.
Without a moment to spare, Apple Bloom jumped into the pen and, with a few heaves, pulled the offending clump out of Bertha's teeth.
"Phew-e! That was a mighty fine clump of grass ya had there gal!" Apple Bloom smiled. "Say, can you help me with somethin'?"
"Of course I can, Apple Bloom," Bertha replied. "After all, you helped me out." The cow shuddered. "That was utterly the worst thing I had to deal with for the past few hours."
"Past few hours?" Apple Bloom said, wide-eyed. "That's horrible!"
"Well, it's out now. The nightmare is over." A pause. "So what do ya need?"
Apple Bloom had thrown the whip aside for a moment, bringing Bertha's attention to it. "Oh, don't worry about that!" Apple Bloom put her hoof on the whip. "I just needed to ask you something important that only you can help me with..."
"Fire away!" Bertha said, shaking her udders.
Apple Bloom shuddered. Not again, she thought. "Can I ride ya, Bertha?"
Apple Bloom watched as Bertha blushed and eventually fell straight on her side, frozen in every way. It was as if Apple Bloom had tipped her over without even touching her.
"I'm sorry, Bertha!" Apple Bloom slowly moved her hoof against the cow's cheek. "I just need to see if cow ridin' is my destiny!"
Bertha immediately stood upright, making poor little Apple Bloom fall straight on her back. "Oh..." Bertha said. "I'm sorry, I thought for a second that you were going to suddenly grow a giant--"
"That's racist!"
The two separate (and definitely not equal) species stared onward as a third, and not welcomed occupant of the conversation now entered the airspace.
"PETAO officials..." Apple Bloom muttered underneath her breath, while the hairs on her spine stood on end.
"So I heard we had a case of utterly explicit content in the area," the tall man said, rubbing his really gross beard. He pulled a pen out from the grease in his facial hair. "Care to share the tale?"
Apple Bloom sighed. "No, officer. I was just wanting to ride Bertha before ya came..."
The officer's eyes widened. "R-Ride?"
Bertha groaned. "She doesn't want to stick her--"
"Quiet, you!" the man said, waving his pointy finger at her. "Let the real sentient specie talk."
"You mean sapient--"
"Didn't I just tell you to pop-shuv-it!?" the alpha male said. "Gosh!"
Apple Bloom groaned. "Why does that sound like one of Scootaloo's fancy moves?"
The man tilted his head. "Huh?"
"Nothing, mister," Apple Bloom said, facehooving. "Look, can't I go ride my cow now?"
The man shook his head. "No, you can't."
Bertha stomped her hoof against the mud. "Why can't she?"
He sighed. "Because you didn't come to her first, cow."
Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Come?"
Bertha had fallen on her back again, her hind legs twitching while her blush increased tenfold. "Uh-uh-uh..."
"Bertha?" Apple Bloom asked, her concern practically dripping from her voice. She slowly rubbed a hoof along the cow's belly. "Girl?"
Again, the cow was upright the instant Apple Bloom's hoof grazed her udders. "I gotta stop tipping over."
"Maybe I'm supposed to be the best cow tipper in Equestria!" Apple Bloom said with a grin of realization on her face. She gazed at her flank.
It was blank.
"Darn," she said softly, wrapping her tail around the blank space.
The man and cow looked at Apple Bloom with disdain before Bertha decided to take the initiative. "Look, it's not a big deal. She can just re-approach me and I'll come to her in an instant--"
The man shook his head again. "Still implies that it's racist. You aren't being satisfied in a way where the pleasure trumps reasoning, so you are not able to let this pony ride you." He sighed and put the pen back in his beard. "Sorry, it's just not possible. I will have to report you to the People of Eating Tasty Animals Out for sexual incompetency and cheap sexual moves." He threw his hat on his head. "You need training," he added.
As he turned to exit the gate that he magically stumbled into, the man tripped over Apple Bloom's whip, sending him straight into Betsy's udders.
The cow mooed loudly, her udders twitching as a wave of pleasure went through her body. Betsy looked down at the man and smirked. "You want some, big boy?"
Apple Bloom watched as the PETAO official became the milked instead of the milker. "Hey Bertha?"
"Y-Yeah?" Bertha replied, astonished by the scene in front of them.
"Can I ride ya now?"
Bertha sat in the mud. "You wanna ride me?"
Apple Bloom nodded. "I trust ya."
Bertha smiled and hoisted the filly on her back. "Hold on tight!"
The two traveled out of the pen and into the fields, allowing Apple Bloom to ride Bertha despite PETAO's sapient sexual conduct standards.
After a short while, the pair arrived at a more dense part of the apple orchard, a far enough place to hide away from the sun's vicious glare and indecent humans. Apple Bloom looked at Bertha and smiled.
"Thanks for doing this, Bertha."
"No problem," she replied, stopping at a nearby tree. "Say, can you do something for me?"
Apple Bloom rubbed the cow's ear. "What's that?"
She saw Bertha's blush return again. "May you... milk me?"
Apple Bloom stopped riding cows the next day.
