Trust No One. Not Even the Toy Shelf.
A-ban-domed-ooooooo-
“…G-girls?”
Gone… Just like that. I had stopped to examine an odd arty-fact of unknown organ. Some sort of long… spring… thing that bounced up and down as I held it. I had meant for Aria to help me ass-or-tame its porpoise, but as soon as I turned away the girls had vanished into the vast ex-pants of this bright, colorful world. Above me, the sky was full of strange, tube shaped stars that hummed as they flooded the world with light. Below me, the ground was flat and cold.
This was a wasteland… Nothing had grown here in ages.
I crinkle the mystery spring in my hand and let it drop to the hard ground below.
Had Aria and Adagio finally made their move to leave me? Had they really only seen me as a way to help them get a meal for all these years? A little extra energy from their third wheel? How would their tricycle work with only two wheels?! Was I really so bad that they porpoisely left me in this place devoid of nourish-mint?
I feel my heart start to pump in my chest and look to my… uh… Shoot…
Thankfully, I thought ahead and wrote some basic directions on my hand. I check my palms and see a big ‘R’ on one written with purple marker, and an ‘L’ on the other.
I turn to my right and then to my…
…
I check my hands again.
… left. No sign of Aria or Adagio. Not even a hint of purple pony tails or massive curly hair. Nothing but rows and rows of tiny people and animals frozen in suspender anime-ton. Trapped in little boxes or wrapped in plastic, smiles frozen on their faces.
This is a place where things are dis-card-Ed and left to be forgotten… I’m alone… A-ban-domed.
I’m… I’m going to die here.
“Mom? Why is that girl standing in the middle of the toy aisle and crying?”
No… I can’t just give up and accept my fate! I’ll show the girls! I’ll show everyone that even on my own, I’m a forced to be re-cog-sneezed! I will survive… I will conquer.
“Don’t make eye contact with her, Button! That’s one of those crazy siren girls that tried to take over your school!”
Two natives, a small one with an awesome hat with a spinny thingy on top and a taller female with long brown hair tied at the end with a red hairband, walk right by me. Though the young one takes some interest in me, the female regards me with a cold in-differ-fence. I can’t help but wonder what brought them to this disco-late land of the dis-card-Ed and forgotten. Clearly, my presents here has been noted, but they move on and take interest in one of the prisoners here.
“Oh! I want the green Mega-ranger, Mom! He’s the coolest!”
“Of course, sweetie!”
The female reaches up and takes one of the tiny prisoners, placing it into her wheeled cage full of… FOOD! Fruits, vegetables, and meats no doubt Harvey-vested from nearby.
“Uh… Mom? That girl keeps staring at our shopping cart. I think she’s drooling…”
The small one takes notice of me again. Perhaps I can overpower him and take his bounty for myself! Also I can take his hat! No.. wait… He noticed me noticing him and is now hiding behind the tall female.
“Ma-mom? Now she’s looking at me with a scary face.”
“Can I help you?”
The female also takes notice, regarding me with the cold eyes of a bread-at-or. Unfortunately, she looks bigger and stronger than me. Without the element of surprise, I don’t think I can take her out.
Hmmm… If the girls have left me, I’ll just have to fend for myself! I might have to make con-tack with the natives if I want to survive…
I point to the items in the wheeled cage. It’s been so, so long since I’ve spoken to anyone, but I mean… I’m sure I can manage to get my thoughts across without arrow-sing suspicion.
“Fa…food? Place?! Where?!”
Nailed it!
The female shoots me a look that suggests she might be confused. Maybe I’ll have to dumb down my speech a bit if I’m going to try co-onion-Katey again.
The female points “The produce section is that way. Just at the other end of the store.”
Success! Somehow I must have gotten through to her. I better show my grating-dude! I’m sure these prime-additives like that sort of stuff.
“You… Thank!”
I set off in search of food. If I stay too long here, my strength might fail me and I’ll simply fade away to nothing. The thought of leaving no sign I had existed but bones bleached by the bright humming sky is not a come-forting one.
Behind me, the natives continue to chatter in their under-devil-pop language.
“What was that all about, mom?”
“I have no idea, but I have a feeling we’re better off leaving the store now.”
-ooo-
I traveled past a land where the natives hung clothing in a-bun-dance on large, but crude, circle-Lars racks. Some items were even on display pro-mentally… Perhaps the animals that these skins had been taken from where super dangerous or the journey to find them really pearl-less.
For now, my super cute blue-and-yellow sun dress with hearts on it should be enough! I make a mental note of this place’s location for when the weather gets colder.
I continue my journey past items that no doubt hold poisons. Though the pictures on them show fruits and smiling kids. I know from ex-Perry-ants that what inside does not taste like fruit or children at all! The lack of Mr. Yuck stickers can’t fool me!
Suddenly… the temper-a-sure drops! I’ve entered a land where even thing is frozen solid in ice! Oh, what a fool I was to not grab a coat or maybe that ‘Hello Pussycat’ hoodie! I definitely should have grabbed that! But it’s too late… If I turn back now, I’ll Shirley die of star-vacation! I have to press onward and hope…
Wait! Is that! Yes! FOOD!
I rush over to a square grape bush and grab a bunch of the purple grapes. The green grapes are icky! I quickly start eating, re-pelican-ing my strength.
“Hey! You’re supposed to pay for those!”
I freeze. So blinded by hunger was I that I forgot to check for the natives! I turn and a blue skinned native with spiky blue hair with a white stripe is staring right at me. This might be her terror-story, but I can’t back down! I’ll fight if necessary! I show her my teeth and growl to show her I mean business!
“Grrrr!”
“Uh… Are you okay? What’s with that look? Do you need to use the bathroom or something? They’re at the front of the store.”
Good. She’s confused at least. Maybe if I keep it up I can scare her off.
“Growl! Snarl!”
“… Did you mean to actually growl and snarl at me? Because you actually just said the words out loud…”
“Roar! Roar!”
Yes, she’s backing away. My display of free-O’s-city is working!”
“Lyra! What the heck are you doing?”
A second native approaches, this one with blue-and-pink hair. This could get ugly. I better show them I mean business for realzies. I swipe at the air. “Meow! Hiss!”
“Lyra, get away from that girl! She’s clearly out of her mind!”
“But Bon-bon, I think she’s stealing grapes!”
“Bark! Bark! Woof! Howl!”
“Just… forget it, Lyra... The last thing we need is to get caught up with those crazy sirens again.”
“Roar! Bear noises!”
“Er… Yeah... alright…”
It worked! Both the natives flee from me. I’m safe… for now… but I can’t suds-stain myself off grapes forever! I mean… How would I make tacos with only grapes?! Using the square grape bush as a hiding place I survey the land around me. There are more fruits around me… and past that… ew… yucky vegetable plies. Geez… You think lettuce, onions, and maybe the different colored peppers would be enough! But this place is full of other icky stuff like celery and carrots! And I mean… Some vegetables can talk and teach us valuable lessons about me being special and God loving me! How can these natives just eat them?! Gross!
Wait… Past the fruit mounds and the yucky vegetable piles seems to lie a pastry field! I rush through the icky vegetable lands and up to a short muffin tree. Before I free a muffin from its square plastic pod I look to my…
…
I check my hands.
… left then to my reft. Good, no natives here to get into a fight with me over whose meal this is. I open a blueberry muffin pod and scoop out one of the delicious smelling treats. Oh, I can’t wait to eat—
“HEY! I CAN SEE YOU, YOU KNOW! PUT THAT BACK!”
A female native voice booms out.
“Eeek!”
I look to my right and then to my reft… I mean… light! I mean… I really should have wrote down the whole names of those directions on my hands…
Anyways, there’s no one around. Could I have been here so long my mind is playing tricks on me? Maybe those grapes weren’t quite ripe… or too ripe… I’m not really a grape-trolo-jest. Either way, the coast seems clear, I raise the muffin to my mouth and…
“DON’T TAKE A BITE OUT OF IT! I SAID PUT IT BACK!”
… close my mouth and slowly put the muffin back in its pod and close it.
“That’s better!”
Huh… There doesn’t seem to be anyone around me… Maybe the natives have their pastry field protected by a sorceress or witch who lives in the sky or something… Either way, it’s too risky at the moment to eat from the pastry field. If it is a witch, she might call upon her familiar to do battle with me. I mean, for realzies! That could be anything… Like a talking falcon or a walrus, even!
I continue my search for food. There’s gotta be…
‘Sniff! Sniff!’
Wait… is that… ‘Sniff!’
Yes! Meat!
Just across the pastry field I spy a tall male native in a long brown coat talking to another native with brown hair poking out from a grayish green beanie. I sneak closer, there’s no way I can intimidate two males at once, especially that dreamy tall one with the spiky hair and deep blue eyes that glitter like stars in a bleak, dark, unforgiving…
Wait… What’s he speaking? Some strange dialect of the same language the other’s speak… ‘bangers and mash?’ I have no idea what that is or half of what he’s saying but I could listen to him make up words for hours…
No! Focus Sonata! Your survival is at stake! You can’t be swayed by one of these natives no matter how nicely they dress or how handsome they are.
The native in the beanie is behind some sort of clear barrier with meats from the fresh kills on display. Geez, do these people like to kill animals! I see chicken breast, steak, pork-chops, turkey slices, ham… Someone even killed a Tauntaun and took a bunch of sausage out of it! Seems the dream-boat native is ordering a bunch of those sausage.
The native in the beanie takes a few and wraps them before handing them off to the tall… doctor? Did he say ‘doctor’? Oh my gosh! He can’t be tall, hot, and a doctor! That’s just unfa-
…
Well… that’s not as important as survival… He gets his sausages and leaves.
Now it’s just beanie guy all by himself.
Hmmm… Even just alone, he’s well protected behind his barrier… I doubt he’ll run off even with a fur-roastish display.
I approach quietly. Maybe I can quickly take him out before he or anyone else even knows what hit him.
Almost there… almost…
“SNEAK ATTACK!” I shout sneakily as I lunge over the barrier.
“Huh?! WHAT THE-AHHHHHH!”
I successfully catch the native off guard and completely on-a-wars! I better make this quick! I don’t want to draw too much attention!
‘POW!’
“WHY!”
‘BANG!’
“OUCH! SERIOUSLY! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?”
‘SMACK!’
“AND WHY ISN’T ANYONE COMING TO HELP ME?!”
‘CRACK!’
“AAAAH! HELP! ONE OF THE CRAZY SIRENS IS ATTACKING ME!”
‘SLAP!’
“OW! NOT COOL! THAT REALLY HURT MY CHEEK!”
‘THUMP!’
“GHA! SOMEBODY HEEEEEEEELP!”
‘THWACK!’
“OW! OW! OWWWWW! WHY HASN’T ANYONE DONE SOMETHING YET?!
‘WHACK!’
“SERIOUSLY! SECURITY! WHY ARE YOU JUST LETTING THIS HAPPEN?!”
The native seems quite re-seal-ant to my blows! Perhaps It’s time to fight for realzies! I grab his leg and bite.
“OW! Do you know how much germs are in the human mouth?! You know what?! FORGET this! I’m going on break! Do whatever you want!”
Injured, the native flees… No doubt to find a quiet place to die of his wounds. The bounty of meat is now mine for the taking.
I grab the largest hunk of meat I can find… Hmmm… I’ll need to cook this somehow.
On the way back, I grab the ‘Hello Pussycat’ hoodie and wear it with pride. Let’s see a native try and take it from me! I also locate their pig-mint storage and put red war paint (that smell like strawberry!) under my eyes. This should let the natives know that death awaits any who stand in my way.
Next, I gather things to start a fire. I have enough pro-visions for myself and an army! And I know exactly where to find one!
I return to the land of the dis-card-Ed and free some of the prisoners. Some immediately recognize my strength and power. One even called me ‘mama’ as a sign of accepting my author-yeti.
However, another attempted to seize control, saying that I was his ‘favorite deputy’. When I pro-test-Ed and declared myself his ruler, he had the a-draw-city to say that the town wasn’t big enough for the both of us! After a fierce rebel-lion where someone even went so far as to poison the local water supply, my foe was brought low by my strength and also the fact that a snake snuck into his boot.
I could have done anything I wanted to him. But, I am nothing if not merciful. I gave him one last chance to join me. He re-can-Ted by saying he’d ‘join my posse’ right after he sang a song, no doubt to celebrate my many victories!
It’s been a long, hard journey, but I am stronger now… Transformed even. I mean… Not like super-cool transformed that means I turned into a tank or a jeep or something, but a less-cool-but-still-cool person-Al transformation. The girls left me to die here, but this place was no match for me. I have traveled. I have found food. I have challenged and beating those that stood in my way. I am a warrior…
… I am a Queen.
My subjects have gathered to enjoy on the meat I have brought. They in-circle it as it sits on the discarded remains of their cages. I have shredded and soaked the tattled prison cells with fuel. We will Simon-training-Lesly destroy what’s left of these pens while they serve to cook the food that will nor-wish us!
Tonight we feast, we will survive.
Tomorrow we will conquer!
-ooo-
“See! I told you!” Adagio exclaimed as she motioned down the toy aisle. “The little moron is right here! Nothing to be worried about.”
Aria flashed Adagio a sour look as she also motioned down the aisle. “She looks like she opened a bunch of the toys and arranged them in a circle around…” Aria squinted as she looked down the aisle. “Is that an entire ham?!”
Sonata looked up from the circle of dolls and bared her teeth at the approaching girls. “Growl! Roar!” she said as she attempted to work a long barbeque lighter.
One of Adagio’s eye’s twitched as she stared at Sonata. “I don’t even know where to begin…”
“Grunt! Screech!”
Aria sighed heavily. “Sonata… You’ve once againsomehow managed to out stupid yourself!”
“Bellow!”
Aria threw her hands in the air. “What are you even doing?!”
“‘Bellow’ is the sound a rhinoceros makes!” Sonata offered. She glared at Adagio and Aria. “What are you two even doing?! Come back to see the results of you’re a-ban-dome-mint, huh?! Maybe kick my bleached white bones around a bit for old times? Well too bad! I figured out how to survive on my own! I don’t need you two anymore.”
“WHY WOULD WE LEAVE YOU AT THE STORE?!” Adagio cried. “You’re the whole reason we’re here!”
“Yeah,” Aria said as she motioned behind her. “You’re the only one of us who knows how to cook.”
Sonata tilted her head, glancing past the girls at a shopping cart. It was full of taco ingredients, and even stuff to make spaghetti and meatballs, and sloppy joes.
“Oh… right…” Sonata said.
Adagio sniffed the air. “What’s that smell? It smells like…’sniff’… lighter fluid and cooking oil…”
Aria’s eyes widened as she caught sight of something on one of the shelves where toys used to be. “Uh… Adagio?” Aria motioned with her head.
Adagio’s eyelids suddenly flew open as if fleeing from her pupils which also shrank as if trying to put some distance from what they were looking at. On the shelf was a couple crumbled canisters of ‘lighter fluid’ next to an empty bottle of ‘canola oil’.
There was a small ‘click’ as Sonata attempted to work her lighter again.
“SONATA! NO!” Adagio cried. “DO NOT START A GREASE FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE!”
Sonata sneered at Adagio as she tried the lighter once more.
‘Click’
“If you can think of a better way to start a fire I’d love to hear it!”
Aria frowned. “Well… maybe not better as so much as less likely to kill anyone…”
“Sonata,” Adagio said in a slightly pleading tone, “you don’t need to start a fire!”
“Yes I do!” Sonata insisted. “How else will I cook my food?!”
“Sonata, this is an entire honey glazed ham,” Aria said dryly. “You don’t even need to cook this! In fact, I think you figured that out at some point, because someone clearly has taken massive bites out of it.”
“I couldn’t wait, okay?! I was hungry!”
Aria narrowed her eyes as she scrutinized Sonata. “Did you draw on your face? And where’d you get that hoodie?”
“My war-paint and this ‘Hello Pussycat’ shirt are both symbols that I’ve seen the challenges of this land and came out victory-us !”
Aria shook her head. “Well that ‘symbol’ you’re wearing still has the tags on. You’re going to get us all into trouble.” Aria took another glance at the wrecked toy aisle that reeked of flammable substances. “Lots of trouble.”
‘Click’
Adagio gave Sonata a stern look. “Look, we need to go before anyone sees this and asks us to pay for things… or just arrests you.”
Sonata returned the serious look with one of her own. “It’s too late for me girls. I’ve been tranformed. I belong to the wilderness now.”
Adagio scowled at Sonata. “You’ve only been out of sight for eight minutes!”
Sonata’s eyes widened. “Has it really been that long?”
Aria gave Sonata an unamused look. “That’s about the time in between commercials, moron.”
“Oh! … Has it really been that long?”
Adagio raised her hand to her face with enough force there was an audible ‘smack’! “Let’s just… Let’s just go.”
“NEVER!” Sonata cried as she motioned to the toys circled around the honey ham. “I am their ruler. There’s nothing you can say to make me abandon them.”
‘Click’
Adagio just shook her head as she kept her hand in place. “Aria… Can you handle this one? I think the pressure in my head has almost built up to the point where it might shoot out my forehead if I let go here.”
“… Fiiine…” Aria said in an annoyed tone. She turned to Sonata. “Stop being such a drama queen We’re going out for ice cream!”
Sonata’s face lit up. “Yay! Ice cream!” She looked down at the closest toy, a large doll with yellow yarn hair that was standing by her feet. “Get bent, suck-toys!” Sonata cried as she kicked the doll against the ham.
“Mama!” the doll cried out as it slumped into the gas and oil soaked cardboard.
“Don’t try to change my mind!” Sonata exclaimed as she pointed at the doll. “Your love can’t fill the empty void inside my heart of no one loving me! Only ice-cream can do that!”
‘Click’
“Let’s just go…” Adagio said through gritted teeth as she lowered her hand.
“Can I get a Mega-ranger, too?!” Sonata said excitedly. “I want the green one! He’s the coolest.”
Adagio scowled at Sonata. “We didn’t come here to buy toys! We came here to get some basic necessities and now we’re done! It’s time to go. Also, you caused a huge mess and we need to leave before someone figures out you did it.”
Sonata puffed out her lower lip as her eyes began to water. “But… but…”
Aria leaned over towards Adagio. “The green ranger is the coolest.”
“Ugh…” Adagio groaned as she raised a hand to her forehead. “You two idiots are giving me stomach pains… Fine! We’ll buy a stupid toy.”
“Yay!” Sonata cried.
‘Click!’
‘Phwosh.’
“Oh, hey! It lit!” Sonata said happily looked at the small flame at the end of her lighter.
Aria grunted in annoyance. “That’s great, we’re proud of you. Now let’s just—”
Sonata bent down, lit lighter in hand.
“SONATA, DON’T!” Adagio cried in a pleading tone.
‘PHWOOOOOOOSH!’
The three girls all leapt back as a column of flames shot up from the pile of lighter soaked cardboard. Sonata quickly rushed behind Adagio and Aria before she peaked out to check on the towering inferno that poured out black smoke in front of the girls.
Adagio raised her fingertips up to side of her head and began to massage her temples. “I can’t take you two anywhere…”
“Hey!” Aria protested. “I didn’t do anything!”
“EXACTLY!” Adagio said as she wheeled on Aria. “You didn’t do anything! I had the list! It was your job to push the cart and watch Sonata!”
“What?!” Sonata cried. “Not sure if you two noticed but I think I just proved I can take care of myself!”
Adagio and Aria paused, turned, and shot Sonata a look of utter disbelief as the column of flames continued to roar behind them.
Adagio raised a palm to her face once more. “Ugh… I can’t… I just can’t…”
Aria rolled her eyes. “Sonata, you’re like… the dumbest, most hopeless person I have ever met.”
“Oh, yeah?!” Sonata exclaimed. “Well you wouldn’t last five minutes alone in my world!”
“… You mean the supermarket?”
“Yeah!”
“… Sonata, I come here all the time to get movies and games and junk… And I’ve never once had to resort to stealing an entire ham or starting a fire inside the store. Idiot”
Sonata furrowed her brow at Aria and puffed out her lips. “… Yeah, but still!”
‘WREEEEWREEEEWREEEEWREEEEWREEEE!’
The girls all jumped as the sounds of klaxons flooded the store.
Water suddenly cascaded from a sprinkler above. The girls took another couple steps back from the fire as the water seemed to only help spread the burning orange and black mass.
Soon other sprinklers around the fire let loose their own torrents as alarmed cries from shoppers filled the air.
Aria grabbed a ‘Mega-Ranger Super-zorcks combo pack and held it over her head to shield it from the sprinklers. “All in favor of using this opportunity to leave with these groceries without paying?”
Sonata’s hand shot up. “Ooo! Ooo! Yes! Let’s do that.”
Aria and Sonata turned to Adagio.
Adagio furrowed her brow at the pair briefly, sighed heavily as she slumped her shoulders and hung her head, and raised her hand. “Aye…”
Aria smiled. “It’s unanimous then!”
“Yay! A-nanny-moose!” Sonata grinned as she grabbed a bunch of toy boxes off the shelf and threw them into the cart. Adagio rolled her eyes as she began pushing the cart, the other Dazzlings followed.
“Hey, Dagi…” Aria said.
“What?” Adagio replied in a sharp tone.
“Sonata caused some major damage, here.”
Sonata giggled to herself.
“Yeah, she was left alone.” Adagio replied. “Of course she did. So what?”
Aria shrugged. “Well, not that I’m complaining or nothin’, but I’d think a big place like this would have some security…”
-ooo-
A man with a well-toned body, closely-cropped gray hair, and gray security uniform burst into a small security office. Light from a collection of security monitors bathed a young, blond-haired woman and her similarly gray uniform in dingy light. One of the young woman’s yellow eyes seems fixed on the monitors, the other seemingly drifting off towards the buttons in front of them.
“What happened?!” The man cried. “Please tell me you’ve been watching the monitors.”
The young woman swiveled in her chair and saluted, focusing one of her eyes squarely on the man who entered. “Don’t worry, Night Watch, sir! I’ve been diligently checking the monitors all day! The many distraction attempts have all failed! Everything is A-Okay!”
“‘A-Okay’?!” Night Watch replied in disbelief. “The boy at the deli-counter was savagely attacked and someone started a fire in the store!”
“Yes, but I’ve kept the muffins safe!” the young woman insisted with a smile.
“Muffins?! What…?” Night Watch eyes drifted to the screen. They suddenly widened as his eyes darted over each of them. “Wait… You focused every camera on the bakery section of the store?!”
“Of course! I even stopped a muffin crime!” The woman giggled and shrugged. “I mean… why even bother with the rest of the store if we know any criminals would focus on what’s most valuable!”
Night Watch said nothing, instead opting to give the wall-eyed woman a harsh stare.
The girl swallowed heavily. “… I’m fired, aren’t I?”
The End.
