League of (Un)Incredible (Anti) Gentlemen

by EquestrianWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 3772

Two Sirens, an Elf, and Orc, two insane midgets and a whole world of stuff that wants to kill them. Seems like an average saturday in Blackpool

Sir Bright Haze, Knight and Siren of Equestria wakes up in a strange facility in front of a mysterious pony only known as 'N' finds out he has been chosen to defend a steampunk version of Equestria from an unknown threat alongside various other heroes, anti-heroes and villains too stupid to actually be villainous. Armed with whatever steampunk weaponry is available, the group are tasked with defending this new world against whatever it throws at them.
Will they succeed or do more damage than the actual enemy? Probably the second.

[Each chapter is a new POV, not to be taken seriously in any way and is basically just a mixture and excuse to use comedy and action together because I'm bored]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-26 20:20:02 UTC

Chapter One: Meeting of the League [BH]

I woke to a horn, the kind that is only heard on old trains, or a factory during closing time. A rather cliché horn and sounded as if it had been taken directly from some soundboard.

Which was wrong, Equestria didn't have soundboards, Equestria wasn't Earth. I opened my eyes to find myself on my side, on a metal floor and staring at a leg of a pony with a pale blue coat. What the fuck?

"Good morning Mr Haze. How are we?" A voice asked, directly from the leg I was currently staring at. I wasn't overly sure how to process this so decided to just play along.

"Are we on the floor looking at a very blue leg?" I replied, grunting slightly. This really wasn't the best way to wake up, in a strange place with a strange pony in front of me.

"We are. My name is N. Welcome Mr Haze." The blue pony said. I began to stand up and saw the pony before me, he was slightly taller than me and wore a pretty nice black jacket and white shirt underneath with black top hat and a fucking monocle.

"Where am I. And why am I here?" I asked. Looking around, the corridor in front of me was very linear and made out of metal, there was a lot of copper around and some tubes above me, lights were stuck in the walls, electric lights too. The corridor was a hexagon shape and rather long. The same repeat of tubes and copper panels followed down the pathway, at the end was a dark hexagon door and two ponies in royal guard armour, though the two guards were holding what looked like steam-punk guns. Very brown and very metal.

"You are on board the HRS Victory, a ship currently under water doming under the banner of our Royal Princess Celestia. Not the Celestia you know." N replied. Waving a hoof around the metal casings. "As to why you are here. That will take some explaining to do and I would rather not have to repeat myself. More so than I already have. The others are waiting in the Planning Room." N added eventually.

"There are others?" I asked, turning my head slightly in confusion. N just nodded and pointed down the corridor to the armed guards.

"This way if you would be so kind." N muttered. I just nodded, gulped a little and stepped forward. "From records, there is one we have recruited that you may know. But it is unknown whether she is of your universe or another parallel." N said after we reached the door, the two guards were both white unicorns and neither said anything. Just like home. They nodded to me and saluted to N, then one began to cast a spell and the door began to slide open. Inside the room turned very white, a large circular room with a large table in the centre and chairs laid out around it. Around the table either sitting or standing chatting to each other was possibly the surrealist scene I had ever seen. All sorts of people were standing around, not just ponies either. There were guards stationed around the room all holding guns and various doors like the one I had entered from.

"Before you are the various warriors throughout the Multiverse with talents unlike any other like them. From every corner of existence and with differing skill sets and persona's. All recruited for one purpose. Defence of the Princess. I will go into more detail later, but for now. Let me introduce you to your new co-workers." N said. Putting a hoof on my shoulder. The closest left from where I stood, talking to another was a tall man with pointy ears and medium length brown hair. He had a burn on the side of his face I could see and it looked very scared. Wearing leather armour and dark blue cloth over chain metal.

"Eltra Evanous, an Elf lord from the World known as Agnare, lord of Elwood City. He is very skilled with a bow and has vast knowledge of demons and other creatures of chaos. Slight corruption on one side of his body, but worth the risk." N said, pointing to the Elf in question. Next was the man, or, creature he was talking with. A large built thing with dark green skin wearing what looked like a leopard skin. iron greaves and looked to be something you would never, EVER want to piss off.

"Korgal Gro-Nagrim. From Tamriel, hailing from Hammerfell. An orc by more than looks, he has rage that can never be beaten and strength of a thousand horses. His strength is really all that defines him, but he also has a minor case of Multiple Personality Disorder."

"Next is a pony you may know-" N began, before a cry was heard. My name. I looked away from the huge Orc towards the pony in question, who was running toward me and when she reached me, tackled me down for a hug. I fell on the metal floor and hit my head slightly. But it was fine. Dari was sitting on me. A friend from Equestria, a Siren. She was bright blue with pink with a pair of sleek wings at her side.

Wait, that was wrong. She lost them, she gave them up to save my life.

"Dari?" I asked. She nodded "You're wings.." I muttered.

"I know right! I got them back, being teleported here I woke with my wings, and my powers." Dari replied, to prove that fact, she conjured up a fire ball out of nothing and then dispersed the spell like nothing.

"Dari Stillwater, from Equestria, brought due to being the Last of The Sirens." N muttered suddenly.

"Well technically that's incorrect. I'm a Siren too now." I muttered, still sitting on the ground from Dari's tackle. N actually looked confused at this.

"Are you sure?" He asked. I nodded and began to cast a spell, my left eye came back and I could see fully again and I felt the always strange feeling come to me to tell me my horn had appeared. N stepped back and looked worried for a second, but then went back to his neutral smile. I cancelled the spell and stood up.

"I died and Dari brought me back by giving up her Siren powers, along with her wings. To save me." I explained. "That process made me a Siren and I could control the Heart of Equestria, for a time. Then it broke when we brought back Equestrian magic to fight the demon invasion."

"Huh. I was unaware of that. Our sources tell us about the Demon invasion, but no mention of Equestria's magic failing, nor the fact you had died. Who were you fighting when you fell?" N asked.

"The Mo'ka, I presume you know of them. A race in the Void, they drove a corrupt Terra to invade and I fell due to Mo'ka magic that they placed inside me. I flew into the Void and the magic released, killing me and damaging the Void." I replied, N nodded.

"You were fighting against forces of Darkness, no wonder history tells otherwise, it shouldn't have happened. You were never meant to die that day. Since it was due to The Void. Thus I have no knowledge of that. Anything else happen to do with the Void?" N asked.

"We went to war with The Void for a while, Haze wiped it out. Well, we presume he wiped it out." Dari answered for me. N nodded again, slowly.

"Well there is no way to 'wipe the Void' out, no doubt there were survivors, but that would explain why agents never returned and why The Void has slowed in attacks in recent years." N muttered. There was a long pause where nobody said anything, except for the group in front of us, who had only paused when Dari had cried out.

"Yes, I was showing you the team we have acquired. Fairlee Stormheart, Human of the Realm of Calradia, born and raised in the city of Sargoth." N said after a while, pointing out to a short women in thick steel armour sitting at the table alone drinking from a mug. "Brought for her skill in stealth and battle tactics, a born leader and skilled fighter." N added. She heard her name being called and raised her mug at us. I nodded.

"Now, those two in the corner." N muttered, pointing to the last two figures in the room. Two very short people with very opposite attires. Both wore a leather coat, one of red and one of blue. One had a beard and moustache of blonde hair, the other looked bald. They both had small caps on of either light brown or dark brown.

"Yeah?" I asked. Carefully.

"They are utterly insane, like. Asylum level of insane. We had to think VERY carefully before we decided to pick these two up. We're not overly sure where they are from, sources suggest The Void, but they are known for fighting against the Darkness. Mr O. Onion, or at least. That's what he calls himself, is very skilled in explosives and alien technology. And Mr F. Fiddles. Is good with sword or crossbow. They are both amazing in their skills but very mentally unstable. Keep an eye on those two." N replied. I nodded, staring at the two, their voices sounded strange and they were talking about potatoes or something. No joke.

"Now what N?" Dari asked. He smiled and clapped his hooves.

"Well go sit down and I will explain why you were all, well, kidnapped from your homes." N replied. I nodded and walked to the table and sat in a random sear, it was rather comfy considering horses weren't built for chairs. The chair seemed to mould around me so I was comfortable. N stepped forward at the front of the table and coughed a couple times. Eventually everyone quieted down and looked to him.

"If you all could take a seat please. We can begin." N said, there were a couple of murmurs and everyone took a seat. Mr Onion/Fiddle. I wasn't sure which was which yet, sat on the table. N just gave him a glare but said nothing.

"Welcome, one and all. I'm sure most of you have introduced yourselves to each other now. And you know me. But not why you are here. Or who we are. Well, lend me your ears as I explain to you the troubles this world faces. Now, this world is ruled by a Princess known as Celestia, she has ruled for centuries and will so for eternity. She is caring, loving and looks after her citizens to a tee. However, she is no warrior. So she hires people like royal guards and, well. I'll skip the reasons behind a guard." N said. "However, recently a cult, worshippers of the Chaos God we call Discord has taken arms against the world and have every intention to revive the God. Those ponies among you may know of him, however he is unlike anything you will know about him from your world, he is cruel and evil and everything Celestia stands against. He was defeated once, by visitors like yourselves. But this cult have the knowledge, and soon, the means to bring him back to rule the world and throw it into Chaos. A secret force was set up. Us, the Ministry of Inter-dimensional Defence. A defence unit set up with the greatest warriors the Multiverse has to offer, you. You were taken from your homes and your lives in a time where none of you are, bluntly put, doing anything important and brought to this time where you are needed most. You are the first and last line of defence Equestria has against both this cult, and whatever The Void or other Universes will throw at us. For this is the centre point. This World you are all in right now is the centre of all things. The Multiverse expands around us. Thus, everything evil and its cat wants us dead. You're here to stop that happening." N said. There was silence over everyone as everyone processed this. For me, someone who had been around the Multiverse theory, well, the knowledge for years now. Took this in straight away.

"I'm in. Where do we start?" I asked. N nodded and smiled. Dari nodded.

"Me too. I'd rather not leave a world in need of aid, even if it isn't home." She muttered, I smiled at that.

"Mr Onion wants to join, he will be ever so pleased to help." Mr Onion, the one sitting in a chair said. His voice reminding me of a German accent for some reason.

"Mr Fiddles wishes to join this team. Yes." Mr Fiddles said.

"I'll join. I can't let ponies and midgets get all the credit can I?" Fairlee said, her voice quiet and sweet. Not a warrior at all.

"Well if I go home I have to rule and shit. So yeah. I'm in." Eltra muttered.

"I want to know if there will be food?" Korgal grunted. N nodded. "I'm in." He added. "I said I'm in." He said after a minute.

"Mr Fiddles is confused as to why the Orc would repeat himself. Yes." Mr Fiddles muttered.

"Wasn't talking to you. Matt asked a question." Korgal grunted back. I guessed Matt was his alternate personality? N had mentioned it.

"When do we start? N?" Eltra asked, folding his arms.

"Well the door behind you is our armoury, you are free to take whatever you want, just so long as you can carry it obviously. There is some carbon armour in their each with your own measurements, you are free to ignore it if you prefer your own armour. But I assure you it is much stronger, and lighter than the armour you have." N replied. "Once you are ready come back here and you will all be taken to your quarters, get an early night as we start tomorrow early for a training montage."

"Mr Onion does not NEED training!" Mr Onion shouted. Slamming his fist on the table. Salty much.

"Everyone needs training Mr Onion. And it's more so you can get used to your new gear. Since we couldn't get any weaponry through when we brought you here. Don't even ask how hard it was to transport you all without losing any hair. Or clothes." N muttered. The door behind us suddenly opened and we filtered into the new room.

Inside had all sorts of weapons littered about, guns, spears, swords. All were lined up in either glass cases or being held by a mannequin wearing dark grey armour. Which I presumed was the carbon armour N mentioned.

"Each armour set is holding a weapon each of you will be able to relate to. So I suggest to start there." N shouted from the other room. I walked down the room, which was huge by the way, another circular one like previous. just, with more weapons. I went to a set of armour in the shape of a pony which had a plaque at the bottom with my name on it. The armour had a cool looking arm sword on it. Had various cogs and bronze metal all over it and padded leather. I picked the weapon up to inspect it and saw a wool padding for comfort on the inside of the wrist band bit. The spring was like most, muscle reactions. Flicking my arm slightly extends the blade, and doing the same movement retracts it. I put it on quickly, not tightening it or fitting it properly, just enough for it to work. And extended the blade. The sword blade came out folded, it flipped out like a folded piece of paper and I saw the blade was much longer and sharper than what would normally be on an arm sword. Hence the folding I guessed. I decided to take that as well as the armour set and began to put it on. I expected to need help with it, but I was pleasantly surprised when the armour came on like clothing. Which was still hard to do as a pony, but not so hard I needed help and with a bit of magic and time. I got it on. I then put the sword arm on and tested it again. Before looking for a gun to wear. I quickly found a thick barrelled gun with a pretty decent looking iron sight. There were two triggers that I could see. One on the barrel and one where it would normally be. Designed for both humanoid and pony usage then. There was a small button on it which I pressed and the barrel snapped off downwards to show off a six loaded chamber with bullets in. I grabbed up the weapon and shut the barrel, carrying it with magic before finding a gun saddle to strap it too. Again it did it rather easily and I put the saddle on. There was a holder for the gun on one side, luckily my right so I could see, and a small saddle bag for supplies on the other, including patches to put ammunition in. Once everything was on I wondered around for a bit more. There were honestly no other weapons that stood out to me, plus I couldn't really put another gun on this saddle, let alone carry one around with magic, I wouldn't be able to see it if it was on my left and my right was focused on shooting this new gun. Which I presumed was a shotgun with the small amount of bullets it in. I found a couple crates at the end of the room and took out one of the bullets from my gun in an attempt to match it up. Eventually I found the crate simply marked '.410 Gauge' on it. The bullets looked pretty big, although I hadn't actually seen a bullet personally so I had no idea in comparison. The Decay Guns from the humans never needed to reload and I hadn't ever used a gun besides that. Well, BB guns don't really count and the biggest the pellets for those fuckers get is still in inches in diameter.

Once I was ready I turned to look at the group. Mr Onion and Mr Fiddles both had the carbon armour on, except the helmet and they had their hats on instead. One held a miniature steampunk grenade launcher, black grip and main body with a golden piece for where the grenades go, he had a small backpack on that looked full with shots for his gun. The other had a likewise backpack but instead of a gun, had a long spear-like weapon with an almost sword blade tip to it. Like a Japanese Naginata. Don't ask how I know what that is. Not because I watch anime, it's because Japan is usually related to anime now. I like Japan because of the feudal era, where places like England and Europe were still using bow and arrow to kill each other and Japan had fucking fire work launchers and stuff. Canons made of freaking wood. Japan was nuts.

Eltra had his normal armour on but with a black quiver on his back full of arrows, with various feather backs to them and different wood types. So possible different arrowheads too? He had a sword in a scabbard to his side as well as various knives all over his armour.

Fairlee had a bow and arrow in a quiver, as well as a strange looking shield. It was circular but with eight triangles around it. There was a red circle inside the grey of the outline. Then a grey line and a black circle taking up the centre of the shield with a red letter, a mix of O and G. Like Omega maybe? It was a very strange shield but I was a pony carrying a sword arm and a shotgun so who I was I judge.

Dari had the carbon armour on as well as a spear saddle. Though the spear had all sorts of metal plating and cogs on the shaft so no doubt it did something spectacular.

Korgal still had his armour on but had a huge two handed axe that was about as big as me strapped to his back, it nearly reached the floor and the blades of the weapon could be used as a body shield for me or Dari.

With everyone looked at I began to walk back down the corridor into the main room. The rest slowly followed and we all piled back into the first room. N was standing there still with a smile on his face.

"Well I'm glad you have found weapons you are comfortable with. Now, my guards will take you to your rooms and tomorrow will be a big day for training. Then we can go and find this cult." He declared, clapping his hooves the guards around the room began to wall towards us and various doors around the room opened and the group was split up, all directed to one room. I walked into mine to see the room had a mix of the corridor colour scheme of bronze/metal pipes and a white bed with some chests and a mannequin to put my armour on it. I began to undress and noticed how tired I was, and hungry. I walked out of my room and saw N was looking at me.

"Can I have some food N?" I asked. He smiled and nodded.

"You will find a bell in your room for anything you desire. Just ring it, a maid will come and take your order. Now please Mr Haze, retire and await your dinner." N replied. I nodded and stepped back inside, noticing the bell he mentioned in the corner of the room. I rang it and waited, eventually another door opened and a mare in a maid costume walked in with a note pad.

"Whaw is your request Mr Haze?" The pony asked, her voice was very quiet and soft.

"Got any hay burgers? And fries?" I asked, the mare nodded and walked out. I then sat on the bed and awaited my food. When it arrived I ate it and prepared for bed. Wondering whether this was a dream or not.