hacker_in_equestria.txt

by AkjACEKids

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Human, Alternate Universe
Length: 2581

Once upon a time there was a lonely hacker who liked to take down fan websites because he didn't like the fans. Then he accidentally hacked his way into Equestria.

Once upon a time, there was a hacker who liked to distributively deny service of websites to fans. Uh oh, he's attacked a website that had CloudFlare Ultra Super Mega Premium edition, which is way quicker and more effective than the FBI in getting rid of cyber criminals, because it sends them to Equestria.

Totally not meta…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-20 04:50:18 UTC

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Once upon a time, there was a computer hacker whose name was... Well, we should probably keep that a secret since there might be an investigation done by the FBI. Or the MI6. Or the Duncansville, Pennsylvania city police for all I know. However, this hacker, who we shall call Johnny, is a cyber criminal, so, for the sake of the boys in blue down in Duncansville, we'll keep this guy's real name a secret.

Anyways, one day, our friend Hacker Johnny was on the web and decided to take down sites about colorful ponies, since Johnny wasn't a fan of friendship or magic. After a few days of taking down websites, owners of other websites decided to pay for a magical service called CloudFlare. Before Johnny the Hacker came around, these websites weren't considered hacking targets,  so they never needed CloudFlare, but now, they needed it.

One day, Johnny the Hacker was doing his daily hate hacking, but when he did his dastardly deed, something was up. It didn't hack successfully. It had the magical CloudFlare. But this wasn't regular CloudFlare, this was Ultra Super Mega Premium CloudFlare. Now, our friend Johnny didn't notice this until he already tried his hacking. As soon as he hit "enter" to begin the hacking process, he was blocked by the website's CloudFlare. But this CloudFlare, being Ultra Super Mega Premium, sent him a message saying

"You tried. And you failed. Welcome to Equestria."

As soon as he read it, his jaw dropped. He had heard legends of this message, but he had never received it himself. Now that he had, he didn't know what would come next.

Suddenly, his computer screen turned all sparkly, and he got sucked in to it. Our friend Johnny the Hacker was sucked into a sparkly portal. He pondered why this was happening and what could cause it. Nothing in his computer knowledge would tell him how his computer screen could suck him into a portal. Maybe a Mac could, but certainly not his PC.

Eventually he landed in, you guessed it, Hoboken, New Jersey! Just kidding, it was Equestria.

"State your name and how you got here," said a voice from behind Johnny.

Johnny turned around and saw a LAVENDER UNICORN speaking to him.

"Oh no," Hacker Johnny thought, "my worst fears!"

"Ahem," said the lavender unicorn, "I said state your name and how you got here."

"Why should I?" Asked Hacker Johnny, "I don't have to listen to you!"

The lavender unicorn stood up and shot a beam of magic at him. It only hurt like a paintball or a towel snap or whatever, but it still showed Johnny the lavender unicorn's power.

"I have more power than that, so please just tell me your name and how you got here so we can get this over with."

"Fine," Johnny said, "my name's CLASSIFIED. I got here through some sort of magic portal in my PC."

"Ah, I see," the lavender unicorn replied, "you tried to launch a DDoS on a site that uses CloudFlare Ultra Super Mega Premium."

"Um, yes, actually. How did you know?"

"Third time this month," the lavender unicorn replied.

"So, um, why am I here?" Asked Hacker Johnny, "and how do I get out?"

"Well, you see, CLASSIFIED, geez that name is hard to pronounce. I'm not good at pronunciation, so I'm going to call you Johnny. Anyway, Johnny, you're here because you hacked into a website, which means you need to learn to be a better pony, or in your case, person. Our typical prescription for that is to learn the magic of friendship."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Johnny replied, "WHY!?!?"

"What's wrong?" Asked the lavender unicorn.

"I never got your name, what's your name?" Johnny asked, "isn't it like Rainbow Sparklepants or something?"

"No," the lavender unicorn replied, "it's Violet Velvet."

"Ah, I see. Tell me Violet, do you know what a 'Brony' is?"

"I wish I didn't," she replied, "I remember the days before those who call themselves 'Hasbro' decided to film all of our lives. Even our dreams! I don't even know how they did that! Now that they've finished filming us, they're airing our lives on TV in your world. I really wish they didn't. You see, we all thought our lives as colorful ponies would be filmed and shown to little girls, since that's what little girls like, according to the evil Hasbro overlords, but now they're telling us that it's actually more popular with grown adult men that watch every waking moment of our lives! It's disturbing! And so is their fan art! That's even worse! I've seen graphic portrayals of things that ponies would never do to other ponies. It's scarring... So yes, I do know what a Brony is. In fact, we get at least one here in Equestria per month."

"What do you mean by that?" Asked Johnny.

"Well you see," Violet Velvet said, "ever since they started showing our lives in your world, people have figured out how to get into our world. It happens all the time. Sometimes it's Bronies, sometimes it's random depressed people, sometimes it's Brony haters like you, sometimes it's slaves from the 1800's, sometimes it's even people from other alternate realities that get put on TV in your world. One time we got like six guys who showed up as ponies. One of them introduced smoking to us, another introduced propane, and another almost murdered some school fillies."

"So why am I not a pony?" Johnny asked.

"I have no idea. Sometimes they show up as ponies, sometimes they don't. In this case, they don't."

"So, how often do people just randomly fall out of the sky?"

"All the time," Violet Velvet said, "in fact, we had to rearrange our entire government anyway of life to accommodate this. Now our entire job for almost all of us is to accommodate people like you."

"But you ponies never fall into portals and go to other worlds?"

"Only once that I know of. Princess Celestia, who if you don't know is the princess of the princesses here, once told me that Rainbow Dash, who you'll see in a few weeks, fell into some crazy portal and had to relive the first fifteen years of her life on your planet, but it was just fifteen days here. Celestia must've put some sort of time spell on it or something."

"So, you say that I'm going to see this 'Rainbow Dash' in a few weeks, right?" Johnny asked.

"Yes," Violet Velvet replied.

"And you say that this same Rainbow Dash was on my planet for fifteen years, but it was like fifteen days here."

"Yes."

"Does that mean that when I get home in a few weeks, all my friends will be twenty one years older and the planet will have progressed into an evil communist society because of bad American presidents?"

"Honestly," Violet said, "I have no clue. And, you have no friends. You're a computer hacker who takes down websites out of spite. But, you're here to make some friends..... In about 3 weeks, which is when the 'Mane 6', as you humans like to call them, will be available. We're kind of backed up on people falling out of the sky and showing up here, so it may be a while. So, follow me and I'll show you where you'll be staying for the next few weeks."

Violet Velvet took our friend Johnny the Hacker down to a specially built building for humans. She showed him the facility, and then to his bed in a crowded room full of random humans that showed up in Equestria.

"Alright," Violet said, "this is your bed, where you'll be staying until further notice. Don't leave this building at all until I say so. For right now, just stay put while I go attend to another human at the waiting room."

With that, Violet Velvet left him in his room full of other dudes who got warped here somehow. A tough looking dude approached him.

"So," said the tough dude, "what're ya in for?"

"Huh?" Johnny said.

"Name's Jack, nice to meet ya," the tough dude said, shaking Johnny's hand, "how and why did you get here?"

"Well I was trying to hack a Brony site and it had Ultra Super Mega Premium CloudFlare, which sucks you into Equestria if you try to breach a site."

"Wait a second," Jack the tough dude said, "you're that dude who's been taking down our websites! I had a fan fiction to finish that I couldn't finish because of you!"

Johnny realized that he couldn't hide behind a screen any longer, and he was going to get a beating. Surprisingly, he did not.

"So," Johnny said, "you gonna beat me up or what?"

"Naw man," Jack the tough dude said, "I finished my fic the next day. I totally forgive you. We Bronies try to love and tolerate. Almost like a religion, but not, you know?"

"But I've been attacked on Twitter by a bunch of Bronies, and let me tell you, there was no love, nor was there tolerance."

"Let me give you a piece of wisdom, man," Jack said, "with any group of any people that believes they should do something, like love and tolerate, whether it's a religion, a law to follow, or even a fandom like us Bronies, there's always gonna be the ones that aren't so loving or tolerating. Think about it, of all the Muslims in the world, very few are terrorists. Of all the Christians in the world, very few go to Westboro Baptist. And of all us Bronies, few are like that. They're just more vocal, while the rest of us just stay away from it. This goes for any group that holds any belief, man."

"I guess that makes sense."

Jack grabbed our freind Johnny.

"Let me tell you about all the wonders of Equestria!" Jack said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Hacker Johnny screamed.

Jack went on to explain everything Hasbro told him about Equestria, from Nightmare Moon to Starlight Glimmer. Our friend Johnny suffered through all of this. Not because his heart was two sizes too small, but because he just really, really hated anything that had to do with My Little Pony. Once he finished explaining how Apple Bloom experienced Groundhog Day, he let go of the man hug he had on Johnny the Hacker.

"Are you done now?" our friend Johnny asked.

"Yeah man," Jack said, "I'm done. You really do need to know that kind of stuff if you want to survive. As you know, there's a lot of Bronies who show up here, and some of them aren't so loving, so you're gonna need to at least pretend you are one if you wanna avoid getting beat up."

"I doubt they can do that." Johnny argued.

"Bro," Jack the tough dude replied, "look at me. I'm a Brony. I'm big. I'm tough. I have multiple decals of Pinkie Pie on my Harley Davidson. Now look at you. You're scrawny and have bad posture from staring at a computer all day. A lot of Bronies out there look just like you, but some of them are like me. In fact, I saw a dude from my Brony biker gang here the other day. He's almost as big and tough as I am. If he was tougher, he'd be the leader of the Bikers of Harmony."

"Based on the Elements of Harmony, I guess?" Johnny replied, putting his newly given pony knowledge into practice.

"Yeah," Jack replied, "we were almost the Cutie Mark Bikers, but we stuck with the Bikers of Harmony."

"So, um, yeah...." Johnny said, "when can I get out of here?"

"Out of this building or out of this world?" Jack asked.

"Both."

"Well," Jack replied, "I got here yesterday and I still haven't gotten my pass to leave this building, so I don't know."

"Uuuuuuuugh!!!!" Johnny replied, "What about leaving this world?"

"I got here yesterday," Jack replied, "so I 'm not entirely sure, but from what I've heard from the other dudes in here, it can take up to two months."

Johnny shoved his face into his pillow and screamed what, to Jack, sounded like a slur of profanities.

"Are you ok, man?" Jack asked.

"No!" Hacker Johnny replied, "I am most certainly NOT ok! I hate this! I hate this world! I hate Bronies! I hate this whole thing!"

"Why do you have this huge hatred for colorful ponies and their fans?" Jack asked, "Colorful ponies and their fans didn't do anything to you until you did something to them."

Johnny sighed.

"Don't tell anyone this, ok?" Johnny said.

"Ok," Jack replied, "I won't."

Johnny began his tragic backstory.

"When I was but a small child," Johnny said, "I absolutely loved horses. Real horses, not colorful ponies. I loved everything about them. I would go to the stables and ride and take care of them. I loved being around them. Believe it or not, I love the way they smelled!"

"Really?" asked Jack.

"Yeah," Johnny the Hacker replied, "I actually did. But one day, my life was absolutely ruined. The stable closed because of financial issues, and the nearest one was hundreds of miles away. We couldn't move, so horses were out of my life. Meanwhile, my dad was always working. It was always my mom that had taken me to the stables and to school and pretty much everywhere. My dad's life was work, work, work. We barely even talked. One day, he had to leave on a 'work trip', and he claimed he'd send me a present from where he was working. He said he'd be gone for about  a week, but after he left, we didn't here from him for a month. One day, I got a package in the mail. It was from him. Surely enough, its return address wasn't Little Rock, AR, where he was supposed to be, it was from Las Vegas, NV. It was addressed from the post office, so we didn't know if he was staying at a hotel, or a motel, or even the streets. Inside the package was a present for me and divorce papers for my mom to sign. My mom started crying. I opened my present. It had a message that said 'I promised you a present, and I know you like horses, so, here you go.' It wasn't a real horse. It was a My Little Pony doll with brushable hair."

"So you hate My Little Pony because it reminds you of your deadbeat dad." Jack replied.

"Yeah, that's exactly it. I want to get rid of everything involving it, so I never have to think of that deadbeat idiot again!" Johnny said, tearing up.

"I'm really sorry man," Jack replied, "I didn't mean to bring up such a sensitive topic."

"No, it's ok," Johnny said, "you didn't know this would happen."

"Wanna go get some ice cream downstairs?" Jack asked, "I'll pay. They actually accept American money here, since they get humans all the time."

"Sure," Hacker Johnny said, "thanks."

And with that act of kindness, our friend Johnny the Hacker might've just experienced the magic of friendship for the first time, and even though it was in Equestria, it wasn't even with a pony.