Cutie Mark Crusader Drug Dealers, Yay!

by Thunderblast

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2429

Scootaloo meets a drug dealer and shows her friends what it's like to be high in the sky.

Scootaloo and her friends get high, the rest is self explanatory.

Authors note: Joke-fic for 4/20. This was extremely fun to write.

Remember kids, don't do drugs.

Published 2015-04-21 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-21 00:30:01 UTC

Cutie Mark Crusader Drug Testers, Yay!

High in the sky above Ponyville shined the gleaming, yellow sun as it sent rays of warm, bright light onto Equestria. Flowers were in full bloom around the town, bringing an entire rainbow of vibrant color to the town. Even after the brisk winter that blanketed the land in two feet of snow for three and a half months, the world was slowly coming back to life. In town, everything was status quo. Ponies trotted or flew around town, going window shopping or stopping to get a bite to eat, while some decorated their gardens with fresh new daffodils and other colorful types of flowers to welcome the season.

At the school house on the outskirts of town, the large bell atop the small tower built onto the school rang loudly, signalling for recess. The fillies and colts of the school house ran out of the building and to the playground surrounding the school. Watching the foals race each other to the swing set or to the slide, stood three fillies. A light yellow earth pony with a longer red mane and a large pink bow, a white unicorn with a puffy multicolored mane and tail of extremely light purple and light pink, and finally an orange pegasus with a radical pink-purple mane and tail.

The earth pony filly cantered down from the three wooden steps leading up to the schoolhouse door, soon followed by the unicorn and the pegasus fillies. She took a deep inhale, then let it out. "Aaaah. Spring smells great, dudn't girls?" She spoke in a country accent.

"Sure does, I can't wait for all of the flowers to finish blooming!" The unicorn filly squeaked happily.

"And the weather, I can finally use my scooter!" The pegasus fluttered her wings, just briefly levitating off of the ground before coming back down on all fours.

"Only you would get excited about usin' your scooter, Scootaloo," the earth pony filly giggled, as did the unicorn filly.

"Well, of course Apple Bloom! Every day is a good day to ride my scooter!" Scootaloo hopped up and fluttered her wings again, then landed and coughed into a hoof. "That is, when it isn't raining or snowing."

The unicorn giggled again. "My sister would agree, she absolutely hates the rain and the mud."

"Obviously, Sweetie Belle. No offense, but yer sister is...well..." Apple Bloom stopped to think.

"She's afraid to get dirty, is what Apple Bloom is trying to say," Scootaloo let out an innocent laugh.

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow, but then shrugged. "I don't like to get dirty much myself, but it happens."

"Hey, who's that?" Apple Bloom pointed a hoof towards a taller tree. Below it stood a younger stallion with a long, styled almost-black grey mane that covered one of his eyes and wore a black hoodie. He glanced around suspiciously, then looked to the three fillies.

"Psst..." He said, then motioned his hoof closer.

"Should we?" Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, turning to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.

"I dunno...Rarity says never to talk to strangers around the school," Sweetie Belle replied, rubbing a hoof through the back of her mane.

"Yeah, Applejack says the same. 'Might not be a good idea," Apple Bloom also replied.

"Well...it doesn't hurt to go over and say hi. He might be the father of the new colt, he does look awfully familiar," Scootaloo said, turning back to the younger stallion, who was now leaned against the tree.

"Eh...alright," Apple Bloom shrugged.

The three fillies then approached the stallion, looking over him with some suspicion but pretending to not be suspicious about him.

"Uh, hello!" Scootaloo said, smiling sheepishly.

The stallion turned and looked down to the fillies, his back against the tree and his hooves in his pocket. He had what appeared to be a cigarette in his mouth, letting off a thin wave of smoke which faded as it moved up. He reached a hoof out of his hoodie pocket and removed the cigarette from his mouth, then let out a small puff in the other direction, then he coughed. "Can I uh...can I help you?"

"Well...um, we couldn't help but notice you over here by yerself. Are ya the new colt's father?" Apple Bloom asked.

"...Maybe," the stallion turned his head, facing forward and placing the cigarette back in his mouth.

The fillies looked between each other with eyebrows raised, then back up to the stallion.

"Uh, sir, what is that in your mouth?"

The stallion quickly reached back up and took the cigarette away, blowing another puff of smoke from his mouth and holding in another cough. "Its uh...its weed."

"Weed?" The three said in unison.

"Who in the world burns those icky weeds in your mouth, the ones that prick your hooves when you try to pull them outta the dirt?!" Apple Bloom tilted her head in curiosity.

"Not that kind of weed," the stallion rolled his eyes. "Marijuana."

"...Mari...wana?" Scootaloo said in her attempt to pronounce the word.

"What's that, mister?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"I told you, its weed. It makes me feel great if I'm stressed. You should try some," the stallion reached into his pocket and pulled out another cigarette and a small metal lighter, holding it down to Apple Bloom.

"Er...ah think ah'll pass..." She took a few steps back.

"You're missing out. What about you?" He moved his hoof to Sweetie Belle.

"Well...I um...I do get stressed when Rarity has me doing chores all by myself...but, I'll pass too."

"Aw, what about you?" The stallion turned to Scootaloo, holding the cigarette in front of her muzzle.

Scootaloo examined the unlit cigarette, then glanced back to her friends. "I-I don't know...I'll pass as well."

"Well, alright," the stallion shrugged and put the cigarette and lighter back in his pocket.

"Come on, girls," Apple Bloom said, turning around and walking back towards the playground, with Sweetie Belle close behind.

Scootaloo walked after them, but then stopped and briefly looked back to the stallion, who now faced away and had his hooves in his pockets again, ignoring the orange pegasus filly's stare completely. She turned her head, staring back at her friends who were still walking away. She then turned back to the stallion and cautiously walked back.

"Hey...sir...uh, I...actually changed my mind."

The stallion moved his eyes back to the filly, then turned his head to face her. "Atta girl, prepare for the best few minutes of your life," he grinned a little and pulled the cigarette back out, handing it to Scootaloo and placing it in her mouth.

Scootaloo closed her mouth around the cigarette, but then quickly pulled it out and coughed hard before placing it back in. The stallion flipped open the lighter, a small flame coming to life out of it, and lowered it to the other end of the cigarette and lighting it, and then closing the lighter.

The end of the cigarette burned, allowing smoke to seep into the filly's mouth and out the other end, into the air. Scootaloo reached her hoof to the cigarette and pulled it out again, coughing the smoke up in a couple of more hard hacks. She stopped and looked down at the cigarette in her hoof, before her pupils widened crazily.

The world around her seemed to become more wavy, and the sounds of foals playing started to change pitch from both high to low. Above, the sky started to transform from blue, to green, then to yellow and every color after that.

"WhooooOoooAaaaAah," Scootaloo said as her head started to wobble from side to side, then she shut her eyes halfway and grinned. "Thiiis feels goooood."

"What did I tell you?" The stallion said, his voice now high pitched.

Scootaloo giggled. "You sound like...chipmunk...hehe..."

The stallion chuckled, then quickly looked off to his side. "Hey, I have to go. Hold on to these for me, will you?" He pulled a small plastic bag half full of the same green dried plant as in the cigarette, and a tiny white package full of wrappers.

"S-suuuure..." Scootaloo took the bag in her hoof. "Laaater!"

The stallion stood back up on all fours, then trotted off into the distance, disappearing into the multiple colors of Scootaloo's trance. Moments later, the world returned to normal, and Scootaloo shook her head.

"Whoa! That was...interesting," she looked down to the bag and the box. "I wonder why he had to go?" Scootaloo shrugged. "Oh well!"

"Everypony, time for claaass!" Cheerilee shouted from the front door of the school, followed by a collective groan as the other fillies and colts made their way to the door.

Scootaloo looked around, then to the bag and the small box, shrugging again and walking back to the school house.

***

"Aaaalright students, what is four plus four?"

"Eight," the students replied in a disinterested tone.

"Six plus six?"

"Twelve."

"Twenty plus twenty?"

"Forty."

"Fifty plus fifty?"

"One hundred."

"Ugh, this is so boring," Scootaloo thought to herself, then turned her attention to the small compartment for supplies below her desk, where she hid the small bag and box. Her eyes brightened up, then she smiled. "Maybe this will brighten it up."

The orange filly pulled the bag and the box out, setting them quietly on her desk. She opened the box, pulling a small white wrapper out and placing the box back away, then opened the plastic bag slowly and taking some of the dried green plant onto the wrapper and sealing it. After putting the bag back into her desk, she carefully attempted to roll the wrapper into a cigarette and failing.

From the front, Cheerilee stopped and noticed Scootaloo towards the back not paying attention. Slightly angered, she made her way back to Scootaloo, then stopped and gasped loudly from in front of her desk. "Scootaloo!!" She shouted.

Scootaloo jumped, the wrapper and the dried plant spreading all over her desk. She gasped, then scrambled to hide it.

"Scootaloo! Are you rolling a cigarette?!"

"N-no, Miss Cheerilee! Honest!"

Cheerilee leaned down to her desk and looked over the substance, then gasped again. "Scootaloo, how DARE you lie to me! That's it, I'm calling the Royal guard! Class, recess again!"

The class quickly cleared as the other fillies and colts scrambled back outside. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle noticed Scootaloo's desk, then gasped.

"Scootaloo...how could you?!" Sweetie Belle stared in disgust towards the orange filly.

"I-I...I didn't mean to...he gave it to me!" Scootaloo quickly grabbed the bag and stood up, running to the two other fillies. "Please...we have to get out of here!"

"And why on earth would we do that?" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle turned their heads.

"B-because...Cutie Mark Crusaders...girls, this could be how we get our cutie marks!" Scootaloo trembled softly with her ears lowered.

"With marijuana?" Sweetie Belle turned back to Scootaloo and the bag in her hoof with an eyebrow raised, then turned to Apple Bloom. "Apple Bloom, she could be right."

"You really think so?" Apple Bloom stared back in concern.

"Yes. Come on, just look at her!" Sweetie Belle pointed to Scootaloo.

Scootaloo gave the two fillies widened puppy eyes, and a small pout with her bottom lip sticking out. "Please..." she whimpered.

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine, let's go."

Before Cheerilee could return, the three fillies ran out of the school house and as fast as they could away from it, running into town.

***

"Okay girls, it took me a while, but you have got to try this stuff!" Scootaloo said as the three sat in a darkened alley, in hiding. She lifted her hooves, holding two rolled up cigarettes in them.

"Okay...but...how will you light 'em?" Apple Bloom asked, taking one of the cigarettes in her hoof.

"Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle raised her head. "Hmm?"

"Do you know a fire spell?"

"Well...uhh..." She tapped her hooves together. "Kind of. I can only light matches though."

"Good enough," Scootaloo set the other cigarette in Sweetie Belle's hoof.

Both Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle put the cigarettes in their mouths, coughing a little as they did.

"Alright, Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo picked up her own up and set it in her mouth. "Light 'em up."

Sweetie Belle's horn slowly lit in a light green aura, and soon so were the ends of the cigarettes. After a few moments, they started to burn, and Sweetie Belle stopped casting the magic. Just then, Scootaloo shut her eyes halfway and grinned big.

"Mmmm..." Scootaloo said, then pulled the cigarette from her mouth and let out a puff of smoke, taking the shape of a ring. "You girls...hehe..."

The other two fillies looked between each other, then removed the cigarettes and coughed out the smoke and reopened their eyes after some more coughing. Their eyes expanded crazily, and everything took a different shade of color as the three started to hallucinate.

"W-whoaa..." Sweetie Belle put the cigarette back in her mouth, then gently batted her hooves in the air as if she were trying to touch something.

"Scoots...this is...a-amazing, I can taste sound and hear colors!"

"Yeaaah, I know riiight?" Scootaloo let out another puff. "Who knew weeds tasted so good..."

The three stumbled out of the alley with bloodshot eyes and big grins on their faces, giggling loudly and nudging each other as they attempted to walk in a straight line. As they made their way towards the park, Scootaloo stumbled up to a brown and purple alicorn stallion with a mohawk mane and stared up at him with a widening smile.

"Heeey seeexy...what's crackin'?"

"Excuse me, how old are you?!" He spoke in a constantly changing pitch of his voice.

"Juuuuust nine, fine siiiir," Scootaloo giggled and snorted.

"And just where do you think you and your friends are going?!" The stallion pulled Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle over to them.

"Heeey, go easy on theeem...they're my bros..."

"They're fillies...and they're as high as you are! Where did you get hold of such drugs?!"

"Hiiiigh? But siiiir, we're still on the grouuuund..."

Moments later, the hallucinations and strange sounds wore off. Instead of a brown and purple alicorn stallion, stood a tall, white pegasus royal guard, who glared coldly down at the three fillies.

"O-oh...sir!" Scootaloo's eyes widened. "I-I'm sorry, I seemed to have-"

"Smoked marijuana?" The guard held the bag up in a hoof and glared harder. "Smoking such a drug is illegal. Not only am I telling your parents, but you three are going away for a long time!"