Pinkie Pie is Not a Stand-Up Comedian
A pink Earth Pony with a curly, tangled mane and tail, light blue eyes, and three balloons for a cutie mark clopped up onto a stage in The Comedy Stables pub. She stood on her hind legs and grabbed the microphone with a hoof.
"Hey everypony, I'm Pinkie Pie!"
There was applause and 'whoots' from the crowd. Pinkie was a very likable pony.
"I need to sit down." Pinkie said, "But I can't!"
Silence.
"Get it? Because it's 'Stand up' comedy?"
Silence, except for cricket chirps.
"Okay," Pinkie dropped to four hooves and glared out at the crowd of ponies, not discouraged at all, "Yesterday, I called Winona a bitch!"
Cricket chirps.
"Ya know, because bitch means female dog." Pinkie laughed nervously. She saw Applejack glaring at her from the crowd. "Okay, I can do this. Oh, I know! I poured spot remover on my dog, and now I can't find him!"
Cricket chirp for several moments. Then somepony called, "We've heard that one, it wasn't funny the first time!"
"My friend said she had met Mr. Right, but he said the sky was pink!"
Cricket chirps.
"You know, because the sky is blue, so he was wrong?" Pinkie laughed nervously. "Wow, tough crowd."
Cricket chirps.
"I know what will make you laugh!" Pinkie said cheerfully, "Chuck Norris jokes!"
Silence, until one colt called, "Who's Chuck Norris?"
"Just bare with me." Pinkie said, then waved her hoof in the air. "Chuck Norris could.... eh.... strangle you with a cordless telephone!"
Cricket chirps.
"Hey!" Pinkie glared into the crowd, "That was a good one! Oh well. Umm... Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding!"
Cricket chirps. Then Twilight, who was at the back of the crowd, asked, "Who's Waldo? Why is he hiding?"
Pinkie Pie face-hoofed. "I just told you, because of Chuck Norris! Okay, I know this one will get you, Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!"
Cricket chirps.
"Okay... I know! Chuck Norris can punch Fluttershy and pull out pencils!"
"That's just cruel!" somepony from the crowd said. "Why punch innocent Fluttershy?"
"But.. the original joke was 'punch a tree and pull out pencils'... but.. Fluttershy is a tree!" Pinkie said desperately.
Cricket chirps.
"Hey, cricket, if you think you can do better, get up here!" Pinkie demanded, waving the microphone in one hoof and pointing to the crowd with the other. The crowd parted to reveal a small cricket sitting on the table. The cricket promptly shut up.
"Pinkie, not to burst your bubble, but I just don't think you're quite right for this." Twilight said, weaving through the crowd to the stage.
"No!" Pinkie said, backing away from her the purple Unicorn, the microphone still in hoof. "I need to make them laugh! Also, this fanfic needs about five hundred more words!"
Twilight frowned, but backed off. "Fine." she said. Then she registered what Pinkie had actually said. "Fanfic? Five hundred words? What are you talking about?"
"Never mind that." Pinkie waved hoof. "I must find a joke that will make this crowd laugh! Okay, here goes, a string walks into a bar. Wait, strings can't walk... umm.... okay, a string wiggles into a bar. The bartender says, 'no strings allowed'. The string wriggled out, tied himself into a knot and went back in. The bartender asked, 'are you a string?' and the string said, 'I'm a frayed knot!'"
Pinkie broke out in hysterical laughter, only to find that there was silence except for a cricket chirping.
"I thought I told you to shush!" Pinkie said, pointing at the cricket, who stopped chirping again.
"BOOOOOOOOOO!" the crowd said. Suddenly, a cane appeared out of nowhere, wrapped itself around Pinkie's waist, and pulled her offstage.
The six friends were walking through Ponyville. The moon shone high overhead with many, many shining stars surrounding it. "Princess Luna's been working hard, I see." Twilight Sparkle said, head tipped back as she watched the night sky. "She's done a beautiful job."
Then she noticed Pinkie looking downcast. Her mane was sagging, but not flat, and her head was hung low.
"I still couldn't make them laugh." She sighed. "What am I if I can't make ponies laugh?"
"Don't worry, Pinkie." Twilight said. "There's always a surefire way to make ponies laugh."
Pinkie raised her head, eyes glowing with excitement and hope. "Really, what's that?"
"Tell a really perverted, disgusting, dirty joke." Rainbow Dash cut in.
"Exactly." Twilight nodded.
"No way!" Pinkie shook her head with horror. "No no no no no no no no no no no no no no!"
"Why so many 'no's? Twilight asked.
"Wait, you didn't let me finish!" Pinkie said. "No no no no no..." she continued to say no for five minutes until Twilight covered her mouth with a hoof.
"Why fifty-seven 'no's?" she asked.
"I find it weird you're counting." Pinkie said, then explained, "Anyway, I refuse to tell a dirty joke! I want to make them laugh with nice, clean, child appropriate jokes."
Twilight made a noise like 'pffft'. "That'll never work." she said.
Pinkie Pie clopped up on stage and picked up the microphone.
Everypony in the crowd groaned, including the cricket. "Not this again!" a random colt said.
"I've got some good jokes this time, I promise!" Pinkie said.
"Really?" the colt sounded skeptical.
"I pinkie promise I will make you laugh!" Pinkie said. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" she crossed her heart, then stuck her hoof in her eye as she said it.
Pacing back and forth across the stage, she said, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
No answer.
"To get to the chicken coop!" Pinkie said, waving her hooves and hoping for laughs. She got none. "Okay, um... Why do Changelings change their looks?"
No answer.
"Because they have identical twins!" Pinkie said, laughing nervously. No laugh. "You know, because they all look the same?"
"I take that as an insult!" a random pony from the crowd said. Everypony turned to look at him in surprise. There was a green flash of light and her turned into a Changeling, who promptly flew out the door. there were several moments of shocked silence before Pinkie continued.
"ANYway, I...I'm out of jokes, but I can't give up!" Pinkie sat down and placed a hoof on her face, trying to think.
"Please give up!" one mare shouted.
"Never!" Pinkie said, facing the crowd. You're losing them Pinkie. You need to come up with something. But nothing I say will make them laugh! Pinkie stood and glared out at the crowd. You Pinkie promised you would make them laugh!Time to pull out the big guns!
Pinkie then preceded to tell the dirtiest joke she could think of.
"Okay, so this stallion and this mare met in a bar..."
The crowd was interested.
"Then the stallion said, 'hey baby, want to come back to my place?'"
Some of the ponies stifled giggles as the joke went on.
"The mare and the stallion got into bed..."
The foals were quickly taken out of the room.
"'Oh, you're so sexy'..."
The colts in particular were chuckling softly.
"...and the stallion was never heard from again!" Pinkie finished.
The room was full of laughter. It was so loud that Pinkie had to cover her ears.
And that just goes to show that a perverted joke will make anypony laugh.
