DAE - Side Story - Operation: The Cake.

by Dustchu

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Self Insert
Length: 4544

Dustchu and Pinkie Pie Do infiltrate Canterlot... why? To mess with Celestia of course.

Dustchu and Pinkie do what no mortal has ever done before.

Invade Canterlot Castle. Now why are they doing this?

To mess with the Princess of course.

Dustchu's Adventures in Equestria brought to you by Shameless Self-Insert Productions and Boredom Studios.

Part of The Kickassverse

Enjoy this crap.

Published 2015-07-19 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-19 23:40:01 UTC

DAE - Side Story - Infiltration: for Dummies

It was a cold night in the gardens of Canterlot's magnificent castle. The Royal Guards patrolled the cobblestone pathways, armed with spears and a stoic attitude. Their keen gazes scanned the underbrush of the hedges, the bushes and the area around them for any intruders. Of course there were none seeing how it would be foalish to try and infiltrate the castle of Canterlot, the guard were trained to take out any assailants, and take them to the dungeons.

Guard ponies trotted alongside the walls facing the cliffs, the moon's glare glinting off of their pristine armor. They kept a vigilant watch out for anyone, intent on stopping anyone should they try. Many have tried to infiltrate the castle back in the olden days, and all have failed in their attempts and were carted off to the dungeons.

No one has been able to get inside the castle...

But they didn't stop the two individuals scaling up one of the towers to do just that, however.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

DAE Operation: The Cake
Written by: Dustchu.
MLP:FIM belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
I own only my OC's and certain elements.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

Down on one of the cliff sides near Luna's tower, were two figures dressed in all black clothing. The first stood on two legs, a bipedal known as a human. He was wearing a black hoodie and pants, boots and gloves. In his hands he held two special hooks meant for climbing up stone walls. His face was concealed with face paint, and on his head was a small headset.

Next to him was a small equine, known as a pony. She came up to his waist, she too donned face paint, or cake frosting, he wasn't sure which. The pony also wore a beanie hat which somehow concealed her massive pink hair and a black hoodie around her barrel.

"Ready for this, Pinkie?" The human asked in a whisper, everything was riding on this mission to be successful and to go off without a hitch! And he was training for days to do this right... actually that's bullshit, he's winging this whole thing cause he's a lazy fuck.

Pinkie nodded, a serious expression on her face. "Ready, Dustchu." She smiled, looking up at the tower.

With a nod from Dustchu, he started to scale the tower. Planting the spikes from his hand climbing gear into the small crevices in the stones, there were plenty for him to use so scaling shouldn't be a problem. As he climbed, Dustchu lowered a small climbing rope down so Pinkie could follow up after him. The climb up was treacherous, and dangerous to any who weren't skilled in climbing.

Thankfully the human played a lot of Assassin's Creed, and knew what to look out for... because game logic works everywhere. he thought to himself, recounting all of the years he lost playing video games when he could have been doing something productive with his life. Dustchu searched the tower's structure with a keen eye, well... as keen as a half blind twenty year old can, anyway. Once he found a good enough handhold he would grab onto it, and hoist himself up. He was thankful for this castle's structure having some stones jutting out and having small crevices to grab onto. Anyone could climb this if they had the balls to.

Pinkie, despite having hooves and no digits was somehow able to hold onto the rope, and hoist herself up. Pinkie's hooves were silent against the stone thanks to some special socks she had appropriated from Rarity, muffling her steps as she walked up the wall after her partner.

Dustchu hit a snag, his eyes failing him once more as he struggled to find another handhold. Luna's moonlight seemed to sense there were two figures scaling up the tower and the trouble he was having, and shone just a little brighter to help them along the way. Dustchu silently thanked Luna and continued up after finding several suitable stones jutting out. Sweat matted Dustchu's brow, fatigue burning through his joints and appendages as he climbed up the tower. A feeling vertigo overtook his senses as he looked down.

Damn, I need to work out more. he thought to himself, wiping at his brow as he turned his head back around and continuing the climb. Only resting for a few scant seconds before resuming again.

Finally after what felt like hours he reached the top, a large balcony jutting out that belonged to the Princess of the night. Dustchu kept climbing, checking over his shoulder every now and then to make sure Pinkie was keeping up. Seeing the black/pink pony nod up to him he kept going. Dustchu managed to get just high enough to grasp onto the the balcony edge, with a wiggle that made Pinkie giggle under her breath he jumped up, and grabbed the edge before hoisting himself up.

Now for Pinkie. he told himself as he turned around and pulled the rope up, Pinkie waved at him and he waved back with a grin. Once Pinkie started climbing up and reached the balcony edge she slipped and would have fallen off, if Dustchu hadn't caught her first that is. Pinkie looked up in surprise as he lifted her up and over the balcony railing and into his arms.

"Thanks!" she whispered with a smile, wiggling in his grasp with a giggle.

"No problem, this kinda shite is dangerous." He shrugged and set her down. He was amazed by how light the ponies were, he wasn't sure if he was somehow stronger here, or if they were just really light. He would never ask though, rule number 3 of life: Never ask a woman how much they weigh, or you'll get decked boi! Once they were situated on the balcony Dustchu held a finger to his headset and held a button down. "Nightingale, come in Nightingale. We're at Point Romeo, awaiting to be let in." the radio ceased with a static before another voice came in.

The radio crackled, and he listened in closely. "Nightingale here, the door is open." a female voice told them, cutting out as the door lock in front of them clicked and swung open.

With a sadistic grin Dustchu crept forward and went into the tower followed by Pinkie who kept low. "Prism, we're in the Tower." He called over the radio, looking up into the night sky at one of the clouds.

"Roger that big boy." Another female voice replied, this one sounding scratchy to his ears.

With a sigh Dustchu carefully walked over to the door and grasped the handle, and true to Nightingale's word it was open. With a fiendish chuckle he crept inside, and promptly slipped on the carpet crashing headfirst into a bedpost, much to the amusement of one Pinkie Pie and a dark blue Alicorn mare situated by a table daintily sipping from a tea cup.

She looked up at the human. "How was Thine trip?" She asked, smirking behind her tea cup.

Dustchu groaned and proceeded to hold up his middle finger in her direction. "Funny, Luna... funny." he moaned once more before standing up and rubbing his head.

"We thought We were Nightingale?" Princess Luna asked him, tilting her head as Pinkie trotted inside and sat down next to her and snagged one of her cookies lying on the silver tray.

Dustchu bobbed his head left to right, then said. "Yeah you are bu-"

"There is really no point in giving Us a code name if Thou art going to call Us by our real name." Luna cut him off, giving Pinkie a donut she had much to her delight.

"Bu-"

"Even more so, Thine entrance into Our bedchambers was very loud." The Alicorn shook her head. "Thou needs to work on Thine sneaking skills."

"... Screw you."

"Maybe someday young human." She winked, much to Dustchu's chagrin and Pinkie's giddiness.

Dustchu frowned before stealing one of Luna's donuts and gulping it down in one bite. "Okay, enough small talk, is the way clear?" he asked her, wanting to get this over and done with soon before the sun rose.

The matron of the night nodded. "Aye, the way is clear. Our guards have taken leave to guard our royal confectionery container."

"...You mean that little cookie jar that looks like a frog you have in the kitchen?" The human asked with a grin, raising an eyebrow at the mare whose stoic expression told him all he needed to know.

"...Aye, that is the one."

Dustchu nodded. "Welp, we're off. Hope your cookie jar will not be slain this night." He bowed once and took off towards the door, followed by a bouncing Pinkie Pie. Both crouched down low and crawled over to the door, Pinkie then hopped onto his back and opened the door allowing the human to crawl out, with her still on his back.

Luna shook her head with a gentle smile. Here's to you young human, We hope Thine mission is a success. she hoped, sipping her tea once again.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

Outside in the hallways both human and pony crawled along the floor, their black clothing not helping with concealing them in the brightly lit and colorful halls that lined the castle in the slightest. But it didn't stop them from trying to hide behind, under, or on top of everything that they passed by. Hiding behind suits of armor, behind potted plants, under a table or chair, or in Pinkie's case up on the ceiling using some weird cupcake she had on each of her hooves leaving behind cupcake goop on the tiles above, or hiding under the carpet and leaving no visible bulge.

The sound of hooves on the tiled floor sounded, and the two sprang into action. Quickly dashing to two of the best hiding spots in the castle halls they knew of, Dustchu hiding in a conveniently placed cardboard box and peeking out through a hole in the side that made Snake from MGS proud, and Pinkie hiding behind a thin potted plan which did little to hide her frame.

Perfection.

Walking down said hall was a mare, one of the maids tasked with cleaning the rooms every week night. She trotted past the box, her eyes glancing at it for a second before trotting off. Dustchu thought it was safe, but she stopped, much to his horror.

Cheesy NIpples!! He cursed, watching as the mare trotted back and looked at the potted plant Pinkie was hiding behind.

Pinkie remained stock still, not moving a single muscle as the maid gazed at the plant intensely. Her eyes examining the healthy looking green/purple leaves, the light brown stalk that protruded from the dirt, and the blob of pink and black that was standing behind it. Something isn't right here. She thought to herself, she leaned in closer, almost enough to boop her nose against Pinkie's body.

Her eyes seemed to look alarmed, frantic almost. And Dustchu was certain she noticed Pinkie hiding behind it. I mean who wouldn't! She needs to lay off of the cakes. He noted, she was a bit more shapely then most mares her age.

The Pony maid continued staring at the plant, reaching out to touch who he thought was Pinkie. But instead she pulled out a single pair of leaf cutters, and cut off a brown leaf she saw before swiping it away. "Done." she smiled widely and trotted off, happily whistling a tune all the while.

Both invaders breathed a sigh of relief, and resumed their perilous journey through the castle. Jeebus cripes. The human groaned mentally. Sneaking down the halls with haste. Got to get the plan underway.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

Finally they made, both stood at their destination. Covered in sweat, twigs and oddly enough honey.

"We made it." Dustchu hummed happily, wiping the sweat from his brow as he took off his mask revealing the most handsome face anypony had ever seen... a trimmed somewhat scraggly dark brown beard and short dark brown hair, hazel covered eyes, pasty white skin and faint almost unnoticeable freckles... the epitome of sexyness in all of Equus. "No one spotted us!"

Pinkie Pie nodded, breathing heavily and looking on the verge of passing out. But still had the psychotic smile on her face. "Yep! Now let's get to work!" she said, darting ahead and grabbing several items. "Time to give Celestia what she deserves!" She laughed evilly, rubbing her forehooves together.

Dustchu grinned and joined her. "Let's get to it then!" He chuckled quietly to himself, grabbing the items Pinkie required and helping her. "Muhahahahaa!"

The two worked with haste, moving like a blur in the kitchen. They had a mission and by golly they were going to get it done! Meanwhile, two bat ponies who were standing guard by a suspiciously cute looking cookie jar in the shape of a frog with a note on it saying 'Do Not Touch! Property of Lulu! Trespassers shall be punished by the night!' were watching as the human and pony proceeded to cook something on the stove, only succeeding in setting fire to half of the stove instead.

The male batpony leaned in next to his comrade. "Should we tell Luna about this?" He whispered.

The mare shook her head. "Nah, we're being paid to watch a cookie jar." She whispered back, her bright yellow eyes glaring at him in the darkness.

"Okay then." He shrugged.

"Besides!" She started, chuckling as she watched the human run around, his shirt's sleeve on fire. "This is funny as all Tartarurs."

Both batponies watched, in stoic silence as the human failed at trying to cook something.

"Balls on a stick!" Dustchu cursed.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

It took several hours, four hundred and sixty two bowls, a single silver spoon (Somewhere, a grey filly sneezed) more butter then you would care to think of, three sticks of celery and a spork Dustchu had in his pocket. But they had finished their product, something that they made for Celestia. Finally their mission was one step closer to being a success! Now all they had to do, was deliver the product.

"This will get her good!" Pinkie said, smiling evilly as she looked at the product both she and her human friend made.

"Oh it will, oh it will." Dustchu cackled, wringing his hands together as thunder sounded outside. "Muhahahaha!" Dustchu yelped as lightning struck a tree. "Holy shite that was loud!"

Pinkie tugged on his pants leg, "Come on! We have to get the sacred object to the drop point!" She cried, putting said object on her back and cantering off into the hall.

Dustchu nodded and followed, but not before winking at the batpony mare who huffed and looked away, a blush on her face. Dustchu walked off into the hall, passing by several statues and paintings, most of which were too colorful for his tastes. He preferred the posters and art drawings he had in his home back in Ponyville. The sad sad crude crayon drawings that even a four year old would scoff at, that a french artist would throw up at while tossing away his beret in anger.

I sighed as I walked along the halls, my eyes taking in the sce-*CRASH-THUD*

"No!" Pinkie cried. "Bad author! No switching to first person in the middle of the story!" She yelled.

"... um... Pinkie?" Dustchu asked, eyes growing wide as he heard a cry of terror somewhere, almost ghostly sounding before ending as Pinkie threw another rock out the window at speeds he couldn't comprehend. Rainbow would be jelly.

"Yes?" she asked cheerfully, dropping the rock she was holding.

"Why did you just yell bad author?" He asked, vastly confused.

Pinkie sweatdropped one more time before glaring up at the ceiling and mouthing. 'Next time' before trotting off without another word. Dustchu looked up at the ceiling but didn't see whatever it was she saw. He shook his head in confusion and kept moving as the author finally woke up from his being Knocked out and replaced m- is that a baseball bat?

*KER-BASEBALL BAT*

*THUD*

*BODY DRAGGING NOISES*

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

After fleeing the kitchen, Dustchu had hopped onto Pinkie's back and, much to the amusement and horror of several batpony guards, rode her down the halls and knocking over tables. Angering several maids and one bird that had somehow gotten inside. Then, like Gandalf riding his steed down the hillside to aid Aragorn and the rest in their battle against the orcs, arrived in the dining hall. Where Pinkie Pie was currently aiding Dustchu in his task...

"Okay, a little to the left." Pinkie said, observing her work as Dustchu moved the object they both made on the table placing it in the perfect position. Actually she was ordering him around, payback for riding her around.

"Now?" He asked.

The pink pony hummed. "Mmm... no, more to the right!"

"Are you sure, I don't think she'll care how it's placed." He retorted, heaving a sigh and moving it a little to the right.

"Of course she'll care!" Pinkie argued, throwing a cupcake wrapper at the human which made his head snap to the right. "She's the princess, she used to have ponies heads taken off for not placing the food right in the exact spot she likes it!"

Dustchu cracked his neck, looking at the mare with a flat look. "... I'm having trouble trying to dissuade that and tell you it's not true... but when it comes to this kind of object I'm not surprised." At the sound of wings flapping, both human and pony ducked down under the table, feet and hooves sticking out under the cloth.

A clip clopping (shut it) sound could be heard as the Pegasus pony landed, trotting around the dining hall. "Guys? are you here?" A scratchy female voice questioned, looking around. It was a cyan blue mare with a rainbow mane and tail who entered, who caused the two to hide in the worst possible fashion. When she approached the table, she saw the object was in place and wondered where her friends were. But a look down at the table cloth showed a pair of human shoes, and pink hooves. "Dude... I can see your hooves sticking out."

A thud sounded from under the table. "Drat, she found us..." Dustchu cursed, sliding out from under the table faster then one could blink. He leaned down and peered directly into the mare's eyes. "Oh you're good, Rainbow Dash... a little too good for your own good..."

Rainbow shrugged. "Nah, you just suck at hidin'." She chuckled, looking over at the table. "Is that the uh... thing?" Rainbow asked.

Dustchu nodded, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets. "Yeppers it is, took us a bit but we got it done son!" He cried, pumping a fist into the air in joy. He was waiting for this moment for days, and it twould be glorious.

Rainbow giggled at his antics, shakign her head she said. "Alright, let's get into position!" She said, flapping her wings and taking off out the window, dropping a black bag onto the balcony and flying off to Luna's tower which had a good view of the dining hall.

Dustchu and Pinkie followed her, quickly getting their climbing gear together from a bag Dash had brought with her and began their descent down the window, it took a while but once they were down they ran across the courtyards towards Luna's tower. The run there was short, they had hidden in bushes, behind the statues of unknown ponies from times past, another statue of a weird humanoid creature with horns, and a penguin... why it was a statue Dustchu didn't know.

"Now... we climb... again."

One Epic Climbing Montage Later

"Where are Equus is that music coming from?" Luna wondered aloud, tilting her head to the skies above. She couldn't understand why, but she felt the need to twerk. Whatever that meant.

Dustchu didn't hear her or acknowledge the music. "Okay... now we wait." He told Dash, Pinkie and Luna as he pulled out a telescope with four viewing ports... where he got it, no one would ever find out.

With Celly...
In the Morning

Trotting through the halls was Princess Celestia, the master of the sun and co-ruler of Equestria. She made her way down the hall, passing by saluting guards and workers who waved when she trotted by. She smiled warmly in kind, nodding to them and continuing on her way. She was headed towards the dining hall after receiving a strange letter, (of course she knew how it was from, as she could smell the scent on it) Oh Lulu, what do you have planned for me?

Up ahead the grand golden ornate doors leading to the dining hall were open, and she trotted in. What she saw, made her mouth curve into a smile. Sitting on the table in front of her was a large box made of cardboard, and on the front she saw a clear piece of plastic which showed a pastry inside, and not just an pastry... a large cake.

Oh Lulu, how nice of her to have the chefs make me a cake... is today a special day? Celestia wondered, sitting down in a chair in front of said cake. Flaring her magic she lifted the box off, revealing a rather beautifully designed cake. So many intricate swirls and designs, floral patterns and what have you on the cake, it was scrumptious looking.

"Hmm..." Looking around, she closed the doors with her magic, locking it for extra measure. When she was certain she was alone, she eyed the cake with a lustful gaze. "Hello my sweet, prepare to be inside of mah bellay."

Back With Luna and The Gang

"I'm tired~" Pinkie moaned, leaning up against a sleeping Dash who was reclining backwards against Dustchu, who was holding onto Dash's sleeping form. His own eyes drooping as his hand idely ran through Dash's mane.

"Me too kid, and it looks like Dashie's already left the building." Dustchu said quietly, smiling down at Dash who snored softly. "Luna, anything yet?"

"We thougth We we-"

"Luna I am too tired for this." The human groaned, leaning back further and closing his eyes, pulling both small ponies closer to him. "And my snuggle buddies are in mah arms right now, so... nappy time is a coming."

Luna sighed as she kept her eyes on the telescope, shaking her head at the human's words with a soft smile. Perhaps we should do this some ot- She stopped when she saw Celestia appear. "My sister has arrived at last!" Luna cried softly, waking Dustchu up from his stupor.

"Who did what?" He asked, gently picking up the ponies and moing them aside. He placed them side by side and walked over to Luna whee he looked into the telescope himself. "Finally! Gawd I was getting tired of waiting." He giggled, watching as Celestia scarfed down the cake with much gusto. "Jesus Christ she is really downing that thing..."

"Thou do not need to tell me that my human friend." Luna said with a joking tone, for she knew all about Celestia's eating habits when t came to cake or other delicious pastries. "Oh my, what did you put in that cake?" She asked, slipping into modern tongue.

Dustchu hummed in thought. "Hmm... Lotta things... but mostly-" He reached a hand into his pocket, pulling out a large medicine bottle and holding it up for the princess of the night to see. "-this."

Looking at the bottle, Luna grabbed it in her magic and looked at the label, immidiatly choking on her own spit.

TURBO LAX - ALICORN STRENGTH PILLS
For those pesky bowel movements that take too long.

"Oh... oh my." Luna blushed. "Why do I have a feeling... the castle will need to be aired out after this?"

Dustchu chuckled darkly. "When I prank," he looked to the night matron. "I praaaaaaaaannnnk." He said, a dark devious tone to his voice as he looked back at Celestia, who was currently finishing off the cake. He watched as she burped, then went wide eyed before teleporting. "Awww dang it, she teleported."

"Where did she teleport?" Pinkie asked, standing up, awake.

Suddenly, all three ponies and one human felt the room grow hot all of a sudden. "Uhh..." Dustchu gulped. "Is it hot, or is it just me?" He asked as Dash woke up and flew to his idea, looking around.

Behin them they heard a tapping noise, like someone dropping small objects onto the floor. Looking behind them, they saw Celestia staning there, holding at least two hundred small white pills in her magic, letting them drop one by one onto the floor. She smiled. "Turbo Lax?" She asked, looking at the human.

...

...

"ABORT ABORT ABORT!" Dustchu cried, jumping out of the window and pulling a cord on his backpack, making a pair of black wings pop out and flying away. Dash smiled sheepishly and dashed after him, Pinkie cluthcing onto her legs. "SHE'S ONTO US! INITATE BACKUP PLAN!"

"What is that?" Dash questioned, keeping up with the human.

"We, as in you me and Pinkie, GTFO!" He cried, pushing a button on his wrist watch and activating a booster in his pack, making him soar away. Unfortunatly, he crashed into a tree, followed by Dash who was too busy being blocked by Pinkie, all tree crashed into the tree, and onto the ground. "Balls!" He growled, looking up at Celestia who had teleported down to him. "We've been caught."

The sun princess smiled as she pulled out a feather and held it menacingly. "Payback time~" She sang.

"... Run for it!" Rainbow yelled, tramping over the human with Pinkie, he quickly got up.

The human flipped both of them off as he cashed them. "Traitors!"

"Everypony for themselves!"

Not too far off in the gardens, where the three crashed sat Luna, and her two Bat pony guards. All three nibbling on cookies.

"Should we do something, Princess?" The male asked, looking up at his princess of the night as he ate a chocolate chip cookie. HIs female counterpart was eating a banana flavored one.

"Nay," Luna said, eating her second cookie since coming outside. "Let us feast and watch the ordeal."

"YOU'RE ON MY LIST LUNA!" Dustchu yelled, throwing a twig at her who caught it in her magic.

"We await your prank, Dustchu." She said quietly, smirking.

Dustchu growled, running through a hedge maze. "I call bullshit on the author!"

Suddenly, a rock flew out of the sky and hit him on the head, knocking him forward into a bush.

In The Real World

A pasty white human who, again sat shirtless in the ninety degree weather smirked. "Bitch." He said, getting up and walking away.

~Fin~

Author's Note

DAE, otherwise known as: Dustchu's Adventures in Equestria brought to you by Shameless Self-Insert Productions and Boredom Studios.

NO SHAME BABY!