The Rednecks Redecorate a Tree Castle
“You think she’s gonna eat them pancakes?” Larry the Cable Guy asked.
Larry’s two friends looked at him, disgust evident on their faces.
“God, Larry, look at this poor mare. She’s been working harder than a Taco Bell toilet for the past few days,” Jeff Foxworthy declared as he gave the snoring Twilight a concerned glance. The alicorn had just collapsed onto her plate moments ago.
Bill Engvall scratched his beard in thought. “Yeah, I’ve noticed that to. Let me tell y’all something. A few days ago when I was in the Everfree making moonshine, she caught me red-handed. And you’ll never believe what she did.”
Larry’s eyes widened. “Did she burn your still? She’s kind of a stickler for the rules, but I don’t think she’d be a hardass about it.”
“No, she helped me. I tell ya boys, it was the darndest thing I ever seen in my life, a Princess of Equestria wanting to learn about distilling. With her help, I made fifty gallons in one night.”
Larry frowned. “That don’t make no sense. She hates alcohol. Poor thing can’t even hold half an ounce.”
In-between mouthfuls of pancakes Jeff said, “I think you might be onto something, Larry. Remember yesterday when you and I were fishing, and then she came by?” Jeff pointed his fork at Twilight. “I swear, thanks to her we caught every fish in that pond, and all the frogs, and all the boots, and all the empty beer cans. It was Biblical.”
Larry laughed. “Yep, that was a good day.”
Jeff stared at his fat friend. “But she hates fishing almost as much as the local veterinarian. Why is she doing this?”
Larry rolled his eyes. “Hell, this ain’t no mystery novel. Why don’t we just ask her?”
The other two rednecks tried to stop him, but it was too late.
“Hey, Twilight, I touched your quills!”
The Princess instantly lifted her head from her syrupy pillow. “Put them back!” Seeing that all her guests were looking at her, the pony’s cheeks turned crimson. “I mean, I’m pancake.”
Lifting a piece of breakfast off Twilight’s face, Bill declared, “Sorry about Larry. He’s a real asshole sometimes.”
“Oh, no, that’s okay. I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that,” Twilight murmured apologetically.
Seeing an opportunity, Foxworthy continued, “Yeah, about that, Princess, what’s goin’ on? I mean, not that none of us don’t like ya or anything, but you don’t usually . . . uh hang out with us for hours and hours on end.”
“I think it’s cool. I know more Equestrian history and culture than I do American, thanks to her,” Larry chimed in happily. Then he thought about what he’d just said, and his face darkened. “And that’s really sad.”
Shaking his head, Bill rubbed a hand through his hair. “What we’re each trying to say in our own special way . . . We think something is bothering you, and we’d like to help.”
The Princess looked at her three friends and asked, “Is it that obvious?”
All three rednecks nodded.
She sighed. “The thing is, I know it’s silly, but I’ve been avoiding this place.” Twilight gestured to the tree castle they were all sitting in.
Engvall nodded in understanding. “I don’t blame you at all. I keep expecting a pissed-off squirrel the size of a monster truck to come through one of them doors and kick us out of his home.”
“Yeah, I liked the little tree house better before Satan burned it down,” Larry added.
“His name is Tirek,” Twilight corrected. “And I agree, this place, it just doesn’t feel like home the way the library did.”
At that moment, Jeff had an idea so profound that he choked on his food. After a hearty slap on the back from Larry, he wheezed, “We can do it.”
“Do what?” everyone else in the room asked.
Foxworthy waved his arms around the huge chamber. “We can redecorate and make this tree worthy of a President.”
“Princess,” Bill corrected.
“Shut up, Bill. She knows what I’m talking about,” Jeff retorted after guzzling a glass of milk.
Twilight thought about this for a moment. “I don’t know, guys. That would be a huge task. Look at how big this place is.”
Larry laughed, “Shoot, we could knock this out today between the three of us. When you get three rednecks together under the same roof, we get ‘er done fast.”
Bill got up and stretched. His bones creaked and popped. “Oh, that hurts so good.” He turned to the Princess. “You go on now and find that Spike fellar, and have him take ya to that spa across town. Leave this place to us. We’ll be done by sunset. I promise.”
Twilight smiled gratefully to her three friends. “Thank you. You’re the best rednecks a Princess could ask for.”
The moment Twilight left the room, Larry let out a titanic fart that seemed to shake the foundations of the castle. The other two rednecks doubled over laughing hysterically. It was impossible for Twilight not to hear the almost deafening sound.
“What in Celestia’s name was that?” Spike asked as he ran down the great hall.
“Men at work, Spike. Men at work,” Twilight said cheerfully.
About twenty minutes after the alicorn had left the castle, the size of the job before them began to sink in on the three friends.
“Whose bright idea was this?” Larry asked. Both he and Bill looked at Jeff Foxworthy accusingly.
“Hey, I wasn’t the one who said we would have this all done by sun down, right Bill?”
Now it was Engvall’s turn to be glared at. “At least I didn’t break every bucking window in the castle with my ass gas,” Bill pointed out.
“Well, what did you expect me to do? I couldn’t peek into the brownie oven when the Princess was still here.”
“Enough. We have got to Princess-afy this place,” Foxworthy said to his fellow renovators. “Now, I’ve been thinking it over, and desperate times call for desperate measures.”
“What do you suggest?” asked Bill.
“We use this.” Jeff said, as he placed a beautiful book on the table.
“What the hell?” Bill asked.
“Hey, isn’t that the thing that was clogging up the hose when we pumped Twilight’s sewer a year ago?” asked Larry.
“Yep,” declared Jeff.
“How is a book gonna solve our problems?” Larry asked.
“It’s a magic book, dummy. I’ve never tried to read it before now,” Foxworthy said.
“Why not?” asked Larry.
“If I’m not mistaken, I think that’s the same book that made the local clothes designer go nuts and try to spiffy the town up something fierce. But on the other hand, I’m told she got some pretty awesome powers when she looked at this thing.”
Bill shrugged his shoulders in resignation. “Well boys, I for one really don’t wanna read that thing if it’s cursed. But that being said, I promised Twilight we’d get this place ready for her by sundown. It’s time to put up or shut up. I don’t know about you two, but I’d rather go insane than have someone call me a liar.”
The other two rednecks nodded and said in unison, “Me too.”
“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s crack this thing open and get to work.” With that, the three friends opened the book and began to read.
“From in the head to out in the world every thought to action, hold close this book and through its spell you’ll start a chain reaction. Projecting forth whatever beauty you see, only when true words are spoken will you finally be set free.”
When sundown came, Twilight and Spike began to make their way to the treecastle. The Princess couldn’t remember the last time she felt so relaxed.
“Ah, Spike, today was a good day.”
Spike walked beside the alicorn, tenderly placing each of his clawed feet carefully on the ground.
“Yeah,” Spike said painfully. “Best day ever. Uh, why did you let those three humans redecorate your castle? I’m sure just about anypony else could do a better job than them.”
Twilight smiled happily. “Well, let’s just say that I won’t be too upset if the castle is so ugly, so unlivable, so dirty that I will have no choice but insist that I live somewhere else.”
Spike smiled in understanding. “Twilight, that’s brilliant.”
“Thanks, I thought so too.”
As the dragon and alicorn made their way to their home, they stopped in the middle of the road. There in front of the castle were the three humans in lawn chairs, drinking beer around a glowing fire pit. Twilight gazed up at her new home, and to her wonder, all the windows had been repaired.
“Hi, guys, how did the renovation go?” Twilight asked curiously.
The three rednecks looked at each other and grinned.
Larry downed half a can of beer in one gulp and stood. “Welp, BURP! Excuse me. We think you better be the judge on that. Go on in. We’ll be right behind ya.”
The pony was both worried and curious as she opened the door. Her apprehension quickly turned into shock.
“Surprise!”
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy were there wearing party hats. Princess Celestia stood beside them smiling regally at the scene. Twilight and Spike gaped. Everywhere they looked there were books, books, books, and more books. And right smack dab in the center of the great hall was a brand new Golden Oaks Library.
Tears began to collect in the alicorn’s eyes. She looked at her pony friends and Princess Celestia. “Did you do this?”
“Uh, sorry to say, Sugar Cube, it wasn’t us,” Apple Jack said.
“It was them!” Rainbow Dash shouted while pointing at the three humans.
Spike and Twilight turned to the rednecks. “How?” Twilight asked.
“Did you use magic?” Spike asked.
Jeff Foxworthy grinned and said, “Spike, you really are smarter than a fifth grader. Yes, we did. Princess Celestia, can you show them the book, please?”
The white alicorn came to Twilight’s side and showed her the very same book Rarity had used to try and make Ponyville into her own image.
“But, this book is cursed. This . . .” Twilight trailed off.
“No, Princess Twilight, it’s not,” Celestia said gently.
“What do you mean?” asked Rarity. “I was completely enraptured by what I could do with that book when I used it.” The fashonista paused thoughtfully. “Or at least that’s what I was told. I don’t remember much.”
“You were,” Rarity’s friends responded.
Celestia continued, “This book was created for non-magical ponies who have bright imaginations but haven’t yet gained the necessary skills to bring their visions to life. It allows ponies and apparently humans to express themselves through magical constructs. But too much magical creation isn’t good for the user. That is why it is ideal that this book be used in a group setting, where one’s friends could tell what they thought of the creations. Thus, if a friend spoke the truth, or what they thought was the truth, it would keep the spell from spiraling out of control. This book is a teaching tool as well as a creative one.”
“So. . . there is no dark magic in it?” asked Twilight.
The other Princess shook her head, “No. Not one bit.”
Larry scoffed. “Who the hell cares? I’m here, you’re here, our friends are here, let’s have a party.”
Pinkie smiled. “I like how you think.”
Bill smiled. “Come on, gals, you ain’t seen nothing yet. We got this one room full of everything that has anything to do with John Wayne. Another with a fountain in it that pours out every alcoholic beverage known to man and pony, and the castle only gets better from there. We even made ya a robot that has a built-in TV that follows you around and plays nothing but Country Fried Home Videos.
Without warning, Twilight used her magic to grab the three rednecks and give them a hug. “This place really is home now. Thank you, boys.”
