Dr. Bobtail

by DarkStarWolf53

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Slice of Life
Length: 6622

Bobtail is a terrible psychiatrist, and his patients are even worse. Here's to hoping he has good insurance. He'll need it. And maybe a therapist too... (Tie-in to the AviaVerse stories).

Alternate title: Bobtail is a Jerk

Bobtail is a psychiatrist. He hates it- and his patients aren't helping. He really should never have taken this job, but he's stuck. Should have gone for something saner and safer-like testing magical explosives.
But at least he has good insurance. Now all he needs is a lot of therapy...

This is my first attempt at writing a story with some darkly-comedic undertones, but I'm not sure if there's enough comedy for the comedy tag. I did try to make Dr. Bobtail the "anti Dr. Wolf (bronyanalyst)"- this is where the dark comedy comes from.
Dark tag and teen rating are for general violence and destruction.

A tie-in to Kingdom of Avia and Eighth Sea, in that the characters in this story are main characters in the two listed above. But there's no need to read Avia or Eighth Sea first, in this case. This story can stand alone.

Dr. Bobtail takes place between the Avia chapters "Trouble's Waking" and "Invasion". By the time of "The Other", there's so much trouble brewing, it's too dangerous for Bobtail to keep his office. And by the time of the chapter "Invasion", Bobtail's gotten the heck out of town.

Note: slowly working on chapters for: Goldfeather, Falcona, Redtail, Nisse, Azurel, Goldmoon, Night Wind, Awinita, Anaba- after those chapters, Bobtail finally quits his job, leaving the princesses scrambling for a replacement.

AMAZING coverart by Mongoosegoose and used with permission!

Note: Discord is in a few chapters- not sure if he's a big enough player to be tagged though. The main focus is on Bobtail and his patients.
Note: This story was partially inspired from watching a large number of "A Moment With Doctor Wolf" videos on YouTube and partially from an RP some friends and I had a while back involving a psychiatrist. I got to wondering how a psychiatrist would respond to my characters, considering their personalities. Originally, I was going to have Bobtail be pretty competent and polite, but when I realized how much more fun it would be to write an incompetent jerk psychiatrist, that was what I did.

Other AviaVerse stories:

Main Stories:
Kingdom of Avia- the start of it all
The Eighth Sea- Sequel to Avia
(I have 2 more sequels in the works as well, but they aren't yet published)
Backstories/Histories:
I have quite a number of these in progress, though none are published yet (except a sort-of backstory called Survive the Everfree).
Other AviaVerse Sidestories:
Thieves' Gala
Also currently working on Avia Girls- Avia meets EQG. It's much less violent than most AviaVerse stories, and will hopefully be published soon.

Want to know more about the AviaVerse? Here's the AviaVerse group. It has much more worldbuilding/side info that aren't in the stories so they don't take away from the action. At the moment, it's invite-only to join, but if you want to see more AviaVerse info, look in the forums.

Published 2015-06-03 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-14 23:16:52 UTC

Bobtail and Sagebreeze

Bobtail cowers under his bed, trembling. He hears hoofsteps and cowers further, until he notices familiar cream fur with sage-colored vine-like markings.

The second pony lowers his head to the floor, revealing green eyes and two-tone green mane, cream fur, and even more sage-colored vine-like markings.

"Bobtail, my love, what happened?"

"Scary horses! Demons! Office wrecked! Scary scary scary!!!"

"Bobtail, I'm going to need some more words. Come on out from under there!"

"Nuh uh! Too scary!"

The cream earth stallion sighs and pushes the bed back some, making Bobtail visible.

The blue unicorn tries to rush back under, but is grabbed by his tail and dragged out.

"Sagebreeze, noo! I'm scared!"

The earth pony isn't able to answer, as his mouth is full of his husband's tail.

Eventually, he gets Bobtail out from his hiding place, and then puts his forelegs around the unicorn.

"Now Bobtail, please, tell me what happened."

"It was scary!"

"You said that. But what scared you? You know you can talk to your husband."

"A-a crazy horse unicorn. And Discord."

"Discord?! But why would he go after you?"

"He was after the crazy unicorn."

"Ok, I'll need more detail."

"A-a pinto unicorn mare charged into m-my office... Discord was after her..."

"Why would she go into your office if she was being chased by a demon?"

"Sh-she s-said sh-she w-was j-just coming in t-to catch her breath."

"That's not so bad."

"But she broke in my door! And she was taunting Discord! She was trying to lure him inside to fight!"

"Did she succeed?"

"Y-yes- destroyed my office in the fight- Discord tried to hypnotize me to eat me! Oh Sagebreeze, it was horrible!"

"Shh, shh, it's all right, it's ok..." Sagebreeze nuzzles his husband, trying to calm the unicorn down.

"No it's not!" the poor doctor is almost sobbing. "Oh Sagebreeze, can't we move away? To somewhere else? Where it's safer?"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard Zebrica is lovely this time of year... and with your being a herbalist, and the zebra shamans..."

"I don't know about living there, lover. There are large wildcats and wild dogs that might eat us. But maybe a vacation?"

"That sounds nice..."

"Indeed. But you have a patient tonight, don't you? A bat pony?"

"She can wait."

Sagebreeze sighs. "Oh Bobtail, how many times must I tell you? You will get fired if you keep skipping meetings like this!"

"I don't care. I want to get fired! I hate my job! I hate hearing other ponies' problems! I hate others trying to kill me! I hate it all!"

"But why did you take that job?"

"You see the mark on my flank? It's the symbol for psychiatry. What choice do I have?"

"What if it has other meanings?"

"Then I wish someone would tell me what they are!"

"I wish I could help you. But be that as it may, we both know that you and I are only living on your paycheck. Demand for herbalists is at a record low, so I haven't had work in moons..."

"I know," murmurs Bobtail. "I wish there was some way to get us both out of here to a better place. But we can't afford it yet, and if my insurance doesn't cover the damage from the demon and bounty hunter... I'm sorry I snapped at you, Sagebreeze."

"Shh, it's all right. I know you are under a lot of pressure. But soon we'll have enough money to leave this place!"

"You always know what to say..." Bobtail's voice trails off and he kisses his husband on the cheek.

"Of course," says Sagebreeze. "I'm always here for you."

"Thank you..."

"Shh... You better get back to work. That bat pony will be waiting."

"Ok. But once we get enough, we can move away from here?"

"Of course!"

Bobtail leaves, calmed down by this point, and heads back to his office.

Hopefully the damage will be possible to fix...

When he goes inside, his office has been completely fixed! There's a new expensive-looking couch, a new window, and everything's been cleaned up and organized.

"What?! How?!"

Bobtail's eyes are drawn to a folded note in the middle of his desk. When he opens it, the note reads:

We went ahead and fixed up your office- not sure if your insurance would have covered it.  Sorry about the damage- G and I honestly didn't realize Discord would have followed me into a building! Good luck, you'll need it! Signed, S+G

The unicorn stares at the note for several minutes, not believing a word of it, then he hears a shy voice from above.

"Dr. Bobtail?"

The doctor looks up to see a pony hanging from the ceiling. He's so startled he moves to bolt again, but then a small bat pony swoops down and grabs him by the leg, making him fall.

"My name is Noctis. I'm here for the 9 PM appointment with Dr. Bobtail, and I'm guessing that's you, since you have a bobbed tail?"

"Oh, ahem, yes, that's me. Sorry for the unprofessional conduct. I didn't expect you to be on the ceiling."

"Hmph." The young mare hops on the couch and lays down, keeping alert, and Bobtail takes his seat across from the couch.

Noctis

"Good evening, Miss Noctis," says Bobtail as he settles down. "I'm sorry I was late for your appointment. Something came up."

"You mean you ran away screaming again?"

"What? No! Why in Equestria would I do that?"

"Because that's what you did the first time you saw me."

"Er, I didn't expect your presence at the time. As I recall, you were hanging upside down from my ceiling, which is a tad unsettling."

"But I'm a bat pony!"

"I know, I know. It was just unexpected. Now then, Miss Noctis, what is troubling you?"

"Specieism."

"Care to elaborate a bit?"

"I've had it with specieist ponies! Every time I meet another pony they run away screaming, like you-"

"You are never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"Nope. Anyway, the thing is, it's mean when the other ponies call me 'vampire' or 'demon' or 'evil' or just run away. I'm not any of those things!"

"Well, ponies can be mean."

"But they originally weren't!  At least not until that demon got loose."

"Would the 'demon' you mentioned be Discord, perchance?"

"Uh huh."

"Why would the ponies change their mind when he was freed?"

"He somehow persuaded them- I guess some kind of dark magic? Something about a bat pony's sonic cry disrupting his magic..."

"I see."

"So do you know how to make the bullies back off?"

"Ignore them if you can."

"And if I can't?"

"Stand up to them. Tell them how it makes you feel."

"Can't I just kick them in the head? That would get rid of the problem, wouldn't it?"

"Violence is not the answer. It just breeds more violence."

"Running away screaming or acting like a doormat isn't either."

"Can you please drop the 'running-away-screaming' thing? I told you, I hadn't been expecting a pony to be looking down at me from the ceiling!"

"I don't think I like you very much. You're rude."

"Look, miss, I almost got killed today. I'm not exactly in the best of moods."

"Your first time nearly dying then?"

"Huh?"

"Was it your first time someone tried to kill you?"

"Why do you ask?"

"You get used to it after a while."

"And you would know this how?"

"Do you know how many folk tried to kill me in the past week alone?"

"Uh... care to detail that..?"

"Ponies who think I'm a vampire try to stake my heart. Discord tries to kill me for food. There are hostile griffins who see me as prey. There's the scary guards that try to arrest me. There's the crime lords and bandits and all making trouble at the borders I'm supposed to help protect. Lots of creatures try to kill me. You get used to it eventually."

"You're just a foal. Why are you a border guard?"

"Because so many of the adult guards have been killed by bandits and by the demon loose and by the carnivores at the borderland, Luna and Celestia have no choice but to train the foals and bring in outside help. Personally, I just want to get away from here, as far away as I can. Surely the wilder lands are less hostile. Or even if they aren't, at least I wouldn't be forced into fighting and killing by law..."

"I understand the 'wanting to get away' part, but that is not exactly reassuring. Not for the citizens including me, not for the kingdom, not for anyone."

"You're the therapist, aren't you? Shouldn't you be the one doing the reassuring?"

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"You know, I think I really dislike you."

"Look, I've had a bad day, so I am not at my best. At all. A crazy unicorn came in and half-wrecked my office, then a demon came after me and was going to kill me for food, and that psycho unicorn started a fight in my office!"

"So who were the crazy unicorn and demon you mentioned?"

"The demon was Discord. As for the unicorn, I don't remember her name, but she was a black-and-white pinto with a long lion tail and curved horn. She looked kind of like a deer and had cloven hooves- was really violent and seemed about as wild and untamed as you can get. Had pretty obvious battle scars too- probably some kind of arena fighter."

"That sounds like Storm! How dare you call her crazy?!"

"Uhh... you are angry why...?"

"Storm is a hero. She's a warrior and protector, and bravest equine I've ever seen- how dare you insult her!"

"I had no idea! All I knew was she came in here and started a fight!"

The little bat pony is furious, and Bobtail sort of backs away. Realistically, he knows she won't attack, but she has awfully sharp teeth and hooves...

Noctis narrows her eyes and lowers her head threateningly.

"Easy, Noctis, easy. Please don't start a fight- I've had enough violence for one day..."

"You've had enough violence?! You can't even begin to comprehend what violence is! Storm risks her life every day to defend all the ponies of Equestria from Discord's fury! That's why she goads him into fighting her! And how about me? Do you even know what it's like not being sure if you will wake up in the morning, constantly being hunted, constantly afraid something will catch you and kill you? No, you don't understand. And you never will!"

Before Bobtail has a chance to defend himself, Storm stomps out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Oh wonderful, thinks Bobtail, I just got lectured by a bat pony, and practically a filly at that! Oh Celestia, if only i had the money to move away! But soon, Sagebreeze and I can move to a safe place. For now, though, I'm telling him extra cuddles tonight...

He leaves and heads home, but he never gets there...

Attack

Before Bobtail makes it home, a shadowy shape appears and blocks his way. When he tries to go around, something sharp slices into his leg.

"Wat's going on?! Who are you?!"

The only answer is creepy echoing laughter.

The unicorn looks around wildly for whatever is cackling, and sees nothing, though the laughter grows louder and more eerie. So he does what any sane pony would do. He runs away screaming in terror, heading into the forest.

Something pounces on him and knocks him to the ground. Sharp teeth sink into him and he screams, only to have a vine tie his muzzle shut. He looks around in terror, having no idea what is going on.

"You have something I want, pony."

"Mmph!"

A sharp claw slashes the vine off Bobtail's muzzle, but his legs are bound.

"Who? What? Why?"

"So many questions. But you already know who I am."

The shadows fall away, revealing...

"D-D-Discord! Wh-what do you want?! And why didn't I recognize your voice?"

"You didn't recognize me because I didn't want you to. As to what I want, information."

"Information on what?"

"The bat pony you were speaking to. I know her."

"Oh? How?"

"She is one of the few bat ponies that I haven't set my demons after."

"Demons. Ok then."

"But of course. Surely you aren't surprised that I, as the Chaos Demon, have lesser demons that serve me."

"Nope. Not at all surprised by that. I just don't get why you hate bat ponies so much."

"Their sonic cries disrupt my magic and hurt my ears."

"And you can't just avoid them why?"

"Do you expect logic from me?!"

"Nope. But I suppose I should be glad you aren't killing foals-"

"Oh, I still plan to kill her. Foals have the tenderest meat. But I like to take care of them myself."

"You are messed up."

"Uh, hello? Demon here."

"I know. Still haven't told me what exactly it is you want though. You said information on the bat pony I had a session with. But not what information exactly."

"Don't get smart."

"But I am smart. Psychiatrist, hello!"

"You are really a stupid pony aren't you?"

"I just answered you. I'm no fool."

"You are acting snarky toward me! A demon who could kill you with one swipe of his claws."

"Your point?"

"That is not a sign of wisdom."

"Well, if a lot of folk try to kill you or attack you, you end up just being mildly annoyed, according to some of my patients. Anyway, enough on that. What is the information you want?"

"I know that foal sees the crazy pinto that always starts fights with me as a hero. And if that bat pony knows where she lives, I can kill that pinto while she's sleeping. She's been quite a thorn in my side, and if I can just get rid of her, I'll be free to cause as much death and destruction as I want."

"What makes you think I know anything, devil?"

"You were talking to her. She's not very subtle, that foal."

"Be that as it may, even if I did know anything, I am under oath to keep my patients' information strictly confidential."

"Perhaps I can change your mind."

"How? Money won't sway me."

"What about death, hmm?"

"I beg pardon?"

"If you don't tell me what I want to know, I might just slaughter you. Since you are a draft-type, there is a lot of meat on you, and I am a carnivore."

Bobtail smirks.

"Kill me and you won't learn what you want to know. You lose either way."

"Oh?"

"I'm not telling you anything. And if I'm dead, you still won't learn anything about what you want to know."

"True. Still, I might-"

"Sorry Dissy, you aren't getting anything from me."

"Do NOT call me that! EVER!!"

"Oh, and why do you have a problem with it?"

"If you plan to psychoanalyze me, you will simply go mad."

"Huh. I may be half-mad already. Give me your best shot!"

"No, I'm not going to waste my time with that. Not with someone who will soon be my next meal."

Oh dear, thinks Bobtail, Maybe I *should** have left well enough alone.*

Discord flicks out his sharp claws, holding his talons at Bobtail's throat.

"Any last words?"

"Yes. Go to Tartarus, you pony-bucker!"

"Not exactly the proper response, but I'll take it." The draconequus presses his claws against his prey.

Bobtail shuts his eyes.

Oh Celestia, please let it be over quickly...

(Meanwhile in Bobtail's home)

Sagebreeze is meditating in the living room when he senses something is amiss.

Something's not right, that smell in the air- I need to find Bobtail now!

The earth stallion leaps from his seat and runs outside, following the odd scent. When the trail stops, he finds himself looking at a terrifying sight. His husband is bound tightly with vines, Discord about to cut his throat.

"NO!"

The vine markings on Sagebreeze start to glow with soft green light, as do his eyes, and suddenly every plant in the forest comes to life and attacks Discord.

The draconequus was clearly not expecting this.

"Huh? What-"

A very large branch lands on Discord's head, knocking him out.

Sagebreeze rushes over to his husband.

"Bobtail! Bobtail, wake up!"

"Huh..? Is it over..?"

"Yes, but not in the way you think. Let me get those Chaos Vines off you!"

The earth pony uses his strong teeth to tear through the vines.

"Thank you... but, uh, how did you know where I was?"

"I sensed something wasn't right, then just followed Discord's scent."

"Oh yeah, forgot you're half-deer. Is that how you controlled the plants too?"

"Yes. But come on, let's go home. We'll wade through the stream so Discord can't track us as easily. But first, let me bandage your injuries."

"Okay..."

Sagebreeze treats his husband's wounds, then they start traveling in the stream.

Once the two stallions get home, Bobtail collapses on the bed, exhausted.

"I'm glad you aren't too badly injured." says Sagebreeze, laying next to the unicorn.

"Mainly my pride is hurt."

"What happened?"

"I got lectured by an angry bat pony filly. Then Discord attacked me and tried to make me tell him everything that was said. I didn't because of oath, but he tried to kill me. Oh, Sagebreeze, how long til we can move away?"

"We still need more money..."

"I know... I wish it wasn't so expensive to travel..."

Sagebreeze scoots closer to his husband.

"Yeah... but let's not worry about it tonight." He puts his foreleg around Bobtail, who visibly relaxes.

Skaydi

Skaydi

A few days later, Bobtail goes back to work.

Not looking forward to this. Today's patient has a history of violence. I better stay far away from her.

A small pegasus-like filly is waiting in his room, on high alert. She has more feathers than a normal pegasus would and her forefeet are talons rather than hooves. She has snowy owl like markings in her white fur and feathers.

Bobtail sits rather far away from her.

"Ehm, Miss S-Skaydi, what is bothering you today?"

"I want revenge."

"Not on me, I hope!"

"Nope. On that pony-bucking, black-hearted-" The filly starts in on a long tirade of swear words.

Bobtail goes red with shame. He still isn't used to this filly's language.

"Excuse me a moment..."

He leaves the room and hides in the bathroom for several minutes, then he returns to his office.

"...Sombra," finishes Skaydi.

"Please, miss, withhold your more colorful language! This is supposed to be a professional environment-"

Skaydi raises her head and glares at Bobtail with fiery yellow eyes, flicking out her sharp claws as her ears go back in anger.

"Easy, Miss Skaydi, easy. Please put away your talons."

"Why should I?"

"Because 1) weapons are not allowed here, and 2) I do NOT want to be on the wrong end of those things!"

"Hmph..." She sheathes her claws, though she keeps her ears back.

"So you say you want revenge. But as I have said, violence doesn't solve anything."

"Unless you kill the one who wronged you. Then they can't cross you again."

"That is not a good way of thinking."

"Works for me though."

"But I doubt it will truly be successful."

"It's kept me alive this long."

"Uh huh... What makes you think you should act only violently?"

"Because not being violent has nearly gotten me killed."

"Care to elaborate?"

"My parents were a hippogriff and a pegasus. Both of whom had been exiled from their homes and had to fight to survive. Which they also taught me. Then I stayed with the Viking Caribou for a while, who of course have to fight or they will die. And eventually, I got lost in the Northlands. I was saved by the crystal ponies, but then the Dark King found out. I saw the ponies were submissive and as a response, the Dark King beat them and forced them to work in the mines. So I decided to fight back. The Dark King tried to bind me, but I fought him savagely. Nearly won, but he used some kind of magic to knock me out. When I came to, I was chained. The enemy tried to torture me, but I fought so fiercely he finally decided to stay away from me and not hurt me."

"I see. But still, violence isn't a good idea. And it's not good to have a desire for revenge."

"Oh, but that desire will go away once I get revenge on that devil."

"As I said, revenge is not good."

"Really? I know I'll sure be satisfied when that demon's taken care of."

"But how will your enemy feel?"

"Oh, he'll be dead. He won't feel anything."

"And leave the Crystal Empire without a ruler?"

"That devil is no ruler. He's a blood-crazed, pony-bucking, black-hearted-" She starts swearing again, and Bobtail backs away and then hides under his desk.

After several minutes of cursing, Skaydi goes quiet and glares at Bobtail, who is currently cowering under the desk.

The filly leaps from her seat and comes over, biting down hard on the unicorn's back leg.

"OW!"

"Come out of there. I'm not paying you to hide."

"You're paying me? I thought you were broke."

"I 'borrowed' some jewels from one of those jewel shops before I came here."

"By 'borrowed' you mean 'stole', don't you?"

"How else was I supposed to get the money to pay you?"

"Hmph." Bobtail comes out from his hiding place.

"Anyway," he continues, "as I said, it's not good to 'get' someone for revenge. Regardless of if it turns out well for you or not. You see, just because you get revenge on one enemy, you might lose the next fight."

"No I don't see, actually. You sound so pony-ish."

"Uh, I am a pony..."

"True, but I mean really pony-ish."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"Oh, everyone in the Wildlands knows you ponies are about the worst excuse for fighters that the realm has ever seen."

"Are all the Wild-Kind so specieist?"

"You can't deny that you ponies aren't exactly fighters."

"That is because we are pacifistic-"

"No, the deer of Cervina are pacifists. They prefer nonviolence, but if in a corner, they can fight and defeat deadly enemies. You ponies, when cornered, simply have no chance."

"Tell that to my husband. He saved me from Discord."

"But from what I gathered from those I spoke to, he's half-deer, not pure pony."

"Yes, and?"

"That's probably why he's a good fighter."

"Hmph. Shall we change the subject?"

"Sure, why not?"

"As I have stated before, you should not use violence, or go after revenge. It only results in pain."

"Oh yes, but for which side?"

"Both sides. Even if you get your revenge on the Dark King, it won't be satisfying."

"Oh, trust me, it will."

"And what makes you think you could defeat him?"

"Once I get my claws on that devil, I'll break all four of his limbs. He can't focus on his magic when he's in pain."

Bobtail shudders at the idea, but tries to remain somewhat calm.

"Broken limbs heal, and then he'd doubtless kill you."

"Heh, he wouldn't have the chance."

"Care to explain?"

"With that demon crippled, I'll be able to finish him off!"

"Oh-kay, we are obviously not making much progress, are we?"

"Aren't you curious as to how I'll finish him?"

"Not exactly..."

"Too bad!"

The horse-hawk smirks and Dr. Bobtail finds himself feeling very uncomfortable.

That look in her eyes is worrisome...

He scoots his chair back quite a bit, and glances around for escape routes, going pale.

"Once that devil's been crippled, I'll just rip him open with my claws and devour his still-beating heart. Even he won't survive that!" Her grin grows wider and she shows her unusually sharp teeth.

Bobtail's face turns a lovely shade of green, and he proceeds to bolt out of the room.

"Hey, I haven't paid you yet!"

"Mail it!"

The unicorn races out of his office, leaving the secretary to just sigh.

Skaydi trots out of the office, and the secretary shakes their head.

"Miss Skaydi, you really shouldn't traumatize him like that."

"But i thought you were supposed to be honest with psych-whatevers."

"While that is true, he'll probably be in hiding again for several days. And this isn't the first time you've terrorized him."

The horse-hawk smirks again.

"Oh, but I'm just an innocent little filly..."

"I have to disagree. Especially with the 'innocent' part- an innocent foal would not be so murderous."

"I know, I know."

She takes a gem out of her saddlebag and gives it to the secretary.

"What is this, Skaydi?"

"A bribe of sorts. To persuade you not to bar me from coming in here again, and persuade the other workers to do likewise."

"Hmm, this gem is worth an awful lot. Suppose I'll take it. But next time, don't scare Bobtail so badly. It's so annoying when he flees like that."

"I'll try not to."

Skaydi leaves through a trapdoor and heads back home.

Meanwhile, Bobtail is under his bed. Again.

"Bobtail?" asks Sagebreeze. "What happened this time? Why are you under the bed again?"

"I had that homicidal horse-hawk as a patient again today."

"Say no more. I'll let you stay hiding til you calm down, and whenever you do, let me know."

"Cuddles tonight?" asks Bobtail, looking out at Sagebreeze with 'puppy-dog eyes'.

"Of course!"

"Yay!"

Ironhoof

The next day, Bobtail is in a much better mood.

I don't have any patients today, so I can just go to the office and finish sorting my files.

"You have a patient today," says the secretary. "Walk-in appointment."

"Oh Celestia,  whyyy?"

"Calm yourself. This one is the only one today."

"Ok, I may as well get this over with."

Bobtail goes into the office, and sees a large, strong-looking, smoky black unicorn sitting on the couch. The smoky equine has a lion-like tail, cloven hooves, a slightly-curved horn, and a deer-like build.

"Um, pardon me, you are..?"

"My name is Ironhoof."

"Not to be rude, but are you a 'miss' or a 'mister'? It's considered proper protocol to use the right title."

"Neither one, or both, if you prefer."

"Um, how can it be both and neither?"

"I don't identify with either. You may simply call me Ironhoof."

"Okay. Ironhoof, what is troubling you today?"

"Classism. You see, I am from a warrior kingdom known as Avia. Avia is the kingdom of legend that used the enormous birds of prey in the Great Changeling-Equine War."

"Yes, I've heard tales of it. Didn't know it really existed though-I thought it was a made-up story."

"Understandable. After the Mad King Jackdaw took power, he made laws saying no one could enter or leave our kingdom, fear of 'tainted blood' in the population- that is, mixed race Avians. With this isolation, Avia faded into the mists of time until recently."

"I see. It sounds like an intriguing history- perhaps I should visit the libraries there sometime."

"Perhaps when peace reigns again."

"Indeed. Anyway, what did you mean by classism?"

"In Avia, originally, unicorns like myself made one of the lowest classes, same as the horses that are farmers."

"Oh?"

"Afraid so. The historical classes of Avia were pegasi rulers at the highest rank, then the nobles, both pegasi who fought in battles and horses who cared for the birds of prey, then the horses who were farmers and the unicorns who were either merchants or craftsmares. Unicorns, historically, could not be nobility or hold important jobs. After King Jackdaw was removed by Falka eventually, Falka let her daughter Falcon rule once Falka herself was too old. Falcon and Tercel (Tercel was Falcon's mate) tried to allow unicorns in the military. But there was such an uproar among the nobles that they were unable to do so. The current queen, Falcona, wants to change this, as do many of the younger Avians, but the older generation still takes issue with it. And because most of the nobles are of the older generation, it would be very hard for poor Falcona to change things."

"I see."

"Indeed. As I said, I am a craftsmare, specifically a swordsmith. I make the weapons for the Avian military, yet so many of the older warriors in the military look down on me. Even though I am the one who made their swords in the first place."

"Shouldn't they be grateful you provide them such weapons in the first place?"

"They should, yes, but they don't. They see me as 'inferior' because I don't care for the birds of prey and I cannot fly."

"That's wrong."

"I know. And I need some help with what to do about it. If I try to speak to them, they will simply snub me and leave. I'm not fond of violence, as it solves nothing-"

"Oh thank Celestia! Finally a sane pony!"

"I beg pardon?"

"Sorry, my most recent patient was overtly homicidal, the one before them, while not murderous, was very aggressive, and about a week ago, my office was violently destroyed by a demon and a thief. It's nice having someone who doesn't look like they might be plotting my murder and/or starting fights/planning to start fights."

"I see. Understandable, then. But a word to you, if I may be so bold, I am not a pony. I am actually a horse."

"My apologies. I'm so used to ponies here in Equestria that 'pony' is the first thing I say to any equine."

"Ah yes, now I understand. Anyway, what should I do about the classism?"

"I'm afraid that the classism will not stop until the citizens of Avia realize that everyone is important. But there are ways to cope with the unfairness."

"Such as?"

"I'd suggest talking it out, but as you said, the others seem not to listen. So I'd recommend ignoring them, but not being afraid to stand up for yourself."

"I have no fear of such things. It is up to the others if they will listen."

"You said the queen is for fairness, though?"

"Yes."

"Perhaps you could have her help you?"

"While that sounds good in theory, she is a very new queen, and the older generation still aren't ready for her ideas. I dare not ask her to help me, as some traitor might try to assassinate her for trying to change things. Such attacks have happened before, and I don't want them to happen to Falcona."

"Sounds like a harsh life..."

"Such is to be expected from the Wild-Kind. But I'm not worried about Queen Falcona. She is strong and brave, and her right-hand mare and marefriend is a tough farmer who has lots of experience with bandits and enemies, as the farm I mentioned is at the border, near bandit territory. I know Avia and its queen will survive, and I will do everything I can to help them."

"You seem very noble and strong, Ironhoof. I have so much respect for you."

"Thank you. It means a lot to hear anyone say they respect me. True, I can sense who does, by their emotions and such- I'm an empath, and I can read body language, but to hear someone say to my face they have a lot of respect for me, why there's no greater feeling in the world!"

"I understand. I really understand..." Bobtail's voice cracks a bit- hearing such deep, genuine words from anyone makes things seem so right.

"And for that, I respect you as well," says Ironhoof. "As well as the job you do. I know it must be hard, having patients who seem ungrateful, who simply refuse to listen, and those who fight you or act like they plan to attack you. I admire that you still keep working, that you have never given up."

"Thank-thank you..."

"You are welcome. But I will not take any more of your time. I know you are doubtless busy."

"Oh... Hey, before you leave, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes?"

"Can we be friends?"

"Of course." The smoky unicorn touches a hoof to Bobtail's. "I will be sure to keep in touch."

"Thanks..."

Ironhoof leaves, and Bobtail just sits down in the middle of the room, astonished.

Now I feel guilty for always wanting to quit my job. That horse really makes me think...

The secretary comes in after a while, worried because they haven't seen Bobtail since Ironhoof left the office.

"You can move now, Bobtail."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I have work to do. Sorry, I was just thinking..."

"The smoky unicorn made you think too, huh?"

"Yeah."

"That is one wild horse who is really worth listening to."

"I know."

The secretary leaves, and Bobtail takes out a journal, which he often writes in to cope with problem patients (such as a certain homicidal horse-hawk). But the journal entry he writes now is filled with nothing but the highest praise for Ironhoof.

Storm

Storm

Dr. Bobtail, a draft-type unicorn pony with a dark blue body and light blue mane/tail, and the Ponyville psychiatrist, is in his office reading a book. It's peaceful for once, and he doesn't have any patients until late this evening.

Ah, this is wonderful! No ponies coming to me about their problems, no one trying to kill me- today is a good day!

His good day is promptly ruined by his door crashing in and a strong-looking pinto unicorn charging into his office.

Oh Tartarus, why me?

"May I help you?"

"Sure. Duck!"

The new unicorn, apparently a mare, knocks him down and a firebolt flies above her head.

"Ok, what is going on, who is trying to kill you, and why are you in my office?!"

The pinto utterly ignores him and instead looks outside the now-broken door at something the doctor can't see.

"Missed me by a mile, beastie!"

"Rargh! I hate you!"

"I know! We've gone over this how many times? If you want me, come in here and get me!"

"There's not enough room in that building to kill you proper, pinto!"

"Exactly!"

"Sorry to interrupt," says Dr. Bobtail from the ground, "But is that Discord talking?"

"Yup!"

"And he wants you dead."

"Right again!"

"Why in Tartarus are you in here then?"

"Hasn't that question already been answered?"

"Huh?"

"Didn't you hear him? It's too small in here for him to kill me proper."

"Oh-kay..." The stallion decides to back away from this strange mare, thoroughly convinced she's insane.

"Anyway," continues the half-wild mare, "I'm just in here til I catch my breath, then Dissy and I will go back to killin' each other."

"DON'T EVER CALL ME DISSY!"

"You keep calling me 'pony' and I'm a horse. My calling you that embarrassing name is just payback."

"That does it! Room enough or no, I'm coming in to finish you off!"

"You can try!"

There's a bright flash of light, and a furious draconequus appears in the room.

Bobtail bolts and hides under his desk, while the pinto mare rears up as a challenge.

Oh Tirek, she's nuts! Picking a fight with the Chaos Demon! And in *my** office!!* thinks the poor doctor. And all *I** wanted to do was catch up on my reading! By Celestia and Luna, what did I do to deserve this?!*

Discord raises his claws and swipes at the tough pinto, but she manages to dodge. The couch, on the other hand, is torn open.

Gah, and that was an expensive new couch too! Oyyy, why must I suffer so?

The pinto slams her hooves in the back of Discord's legs. He staggers, but does not fall. However, this gives her time to kick the poor battered couch at the draconequus's face. Discord simply rips the furniture in half and swoops toward the mare, aiming to break her neck, while she lowers her head so her very sharp horn is aimed at the demon's throat.

At this moment, Dr. Bobtail comes out of hiding.

"Um, excuse me..."

"What do you want, pony?" snaps Discord, distracted for the moment.

Well, that sounded extremely specieist... "*Ahem* I would really appreciate it if you took this battle outside-"

Bobtail's cut off by Discord putting a claw on the pony's forehead, eyes glowing.

Uhh, why am I so sleepy all of a sudden..? Gotta stay awake though... Discord might kill me and eat me...  He shuts his eyes, expecting something terrible to happen.

*CHOMP!*

Something bit... no pain though... did he just kill me so fast it didn't hurt..?

There's a cry of pain from Discord, proving the good doctor wasn't the one bitten, and the claw is withdrawn. Bobtail opens his eyes to see the draconequus covering his foreleg, blood seeping out between his claws.

Huh? Did that unicorn just BITE him?! What a barbarian! thinks Bobtail.

"I call foul on that, beastie!" snaps the pinto. "This is between you and me. Leave the outlander out of it."

"Excuse me?" snaps Bobtail, "I am not an 'outlander'! I'm a Ponyvillian, born and raised!"

"You're one of them sissy-ponies of Equestria?" asks the mare.

"I am NOT a sissy-pony!"

"But you are from Equestria."

"Yes..."

"Well, if you aren't a sissy-pony, come help me take down the devil-beast Discord!"

"I abhor physical violence!"

"What's that mean in normal talk?"

"It means I don't like fighting!"

The mare turns from him to Discord.

"You were right, beastie. These ponies here are positively helpless."

Bobtail makes an effort to maintain a civil tone, though at the moment he feels like reciting every swear word and insult he knows toward the two creatures.

"I would really appreciate it if you took this outside-"

"Shut up," snaps Discord. He snaps his claws and thorn-covered vines wrap around the draft pony, gagging and binding him.

I *hate** my life...* Before Bobtail can get loose, the pinto mare takes advantage of the distraction, kicking Discord in the head which stuns him, and then leaping out the window, shattering it.

Discord comes out of it after a few seconds, and takes the vines off Bobtail.

"Where did she go?"

"Out the window."

"I know that! But where from there?"

"I have no idea. **Someone had me tied to the floor!"

"Watch your tone."

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm more than willing to slit your throat!"

"Please do. Reincarnation is my only hope."

Discord stares at Bobtail for several minutes, looking very confused.

"Well, demon? I'm waiting. Finish me off quick so I don't have to deal with this any more!"

"...You WANT me to kill you?"

"YES!"

"You are the first pony I've met who seems to be crazier than I am. I've seen other crazy beasts, yes, like a certain bounty hunter who I will not name, but never a crazy pony."

"Offensive much?"

"I'm a demon. Kind of comes with the territory. But I better get back to work- that mare needs to die!"

Discord leaves, returning to his hunt.

"Well buck," mutters Bobtail as he scans the shattered window, destroyed couch, and other senseless destruction. "I hope my insurance covers this..."

He hears yelling and swearing from outside very nearby, as well as some angry snarling, and completely forgets his composure. He runs out of his office screaming, not stopping until he's at his house where he promptly hides under his bed.