They'll be in black, I'll be in gray
I don't remember what it's like to care about others. I wish I did. It scares me that I don't... Well, kind of. The fear is dull, like everything else, its easily discarded. When I first heard that Applejack passed away it stuck a chord in me I thought I'd lost. I'd forgotten what it felt like to hurt from someone else's tragedy. This feeling, though... its still only a taste. Its like a drop of liquid on my tongue, enough to know that somethings there, but not enough to know what.
I feel sorry for Applebloom, I really do. I don't know where that feeling is now, it had evaporated this morning, after I folded up her letter. I wasn't the same at work today so it must be somewhere. I wish I knew where.
The funeral will be in a few days. Small, private, just like she would have wanted. She'll be buried under the plot of land she spent her life laboring over, just like she would have wanted. She'll be surrounded by family and friends... just like she would have wanted. I'll be there too, somewhere in the background. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and me will be together again just like old times. Except for their careers, and husbands, and children, and friends, and an entire community that envelopes them in its warmth. All things I have no part in.
I moved after high school. I'd gotten a cutie mark in weather production and the factory in Cloudsdale was the only place that would hire me. Entry level. Seven years later and I've worked my way up to working quality control on the same line I'd started at. My supervisor started in the same position I had, at the same age, and has worked his way up to managing our little piece of factory floor in his first year. If the choice was between getting a significant raise and watching him get fired I'd choose the latter.
Sweetie Belle has achieved the opposite. She's followed Rarity's path of working her way through the Canterlot elite. With a little boost from her sister she got the connections to launch a couple of albums. Not that she doesn't deserve it, of course. She's worked hard and she has more than enough talent. It would be a lie to say that I'm not jealous of her success. I know my lack of it is my own fault. She worked hard and I didn't. Don't. If I were to tell the full truth, though, I'd say that I'm really just envious of the boost she got. Of the support she got from her sister. Of her sister in general.
Applebloom is another kind of opposite. She got herself an beautiful family life. She has a great husband and she already has two beautiful foals. I know because she sends me pictures. I remember her wedding well. It was when I still had hope for the future. She'd found a real prince charming. Not in the traditional sense, but in the sense that he was perfect for her and she was perfect for him. I gave a toast at their wedding. It'd gone over very well with the crowd. Its Applebloom that I'm the most envious of. She has what I really want, a family that cares about her and friends that know her. A life that really matters. She'll be missed when she's gone, just like her sister.
I want that. I can't have it, though. How can I have ponies that care about me if I don't care about them?
I don't care about my 'career' either. What would I want to do in weather production? I wanted to be an athlete just like my childhood hero, Rainbow Dash. Boy, that'd been a bust. She'd eventually gotten into the Wonderbolts just like she'd always wanted. Then she stopped having time for me. I understand. I really do. She was busy living her dream and I was just some hanger-on fan. One of thousands of hanger-on fans... but she'd called me sister. My hero calling me her sister? It had meant the world to me. I should have known it didn't mean anything to her. I was an idiot when I was younger.
I never did get those flight lessons I'd been so desperate for. Do you want to know how I learned to fly? Its actually a funny story. It'd broken a wing jumping out of a tree. When the doctors found out I still couldn't fly they'd ran batteries and batteries of tests. Needles, scans, the whole nine yards. I still have no idea why my parents hadn't taken me to the doctor years before. As it turns out it was the simplest thing in the world to fix. I just didn't know how to access my natural pegasi magic. My parents were earth ponies so they didn't know anything about flight magic. We were an earth pony town so there was no flight school to teach me about it. Rainbow Dash had never given me that first flight lesson that could have solved the problem in five minutes. No other pegasi had shown any concern. To my knowledge the 'Princess of Friendship' didn't even try to help me. I was literally five minutes away from flight for years and nopony had taken that amount of time to help me. Ha ha! So ironic!
By the time I started flying I was too far behind the curve for a serious shot at competition. My wing muscles and magic circuitry were too under developed. That combined with the break meant my life long dream of flying with my hero in the Wonderbolts died on a hospital bed a few months before I even had the chance to fly. I think that's when it happened. I think that's when this entire process started. The more I thought about it the less I cared about the ponies around me. I'd realized they wouldn't take five minutes out of their lives to help me achieve my dream... or even become just like any other pegasus. I've always wondered if they noticed. Did they see me trying so hard to fly and just not care? Did they see the pony I turned into when I started asking myself that question? Did they care?
Some community. Some hero.
