The Mane Six Hijack a Tank

by Broseph_Stalin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3103

Boom! Boom! PewPewPew!

No, not that kind of tank.

Published 2012-05-15 16:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-15 16:14:02 UTC

This kind of tank!

4-1/2 Stars on EqD? You guys are really awesome, you know that, right?

The Mane Six Hijack a Tank

~By Sabre

Sparks crackled from cold metal and collided into one another. A combustible, gaseous air was injected forcefully into the chamber, and it resulted in a very, very powerful boom.

With a gigantic explosion, the immobile piston was suddenly shot forward and came back again, only to find fire at its heels once more, over and over again.

With almost 1,500 horsepower behind them, they were Ready to Roll!

Inside the dark interior of a sparse cabin, the heat was already beginning to become stifling as six familiar ponies sat in anxious anticipation. The tank was helmed by two, who sat strapped in at the front: a little purple unicorn adorned with a neat black patrol cap, and a pegasus whose illustrious rainbow mane stuck out everywhere from a similar black cap. Hers, however, had been turned around so that the bill was facing backwards. It screamed out “Time for serious business!”

A call came from behind the pair. Turning around, Twilight looked towards its origin: an orange earth pony. Instead of wearing a gunner’s helmet like the rest of the equipment crew was, though, she had instead opted for her usual cowboy hat in a stylish matte black.

“Twi! Don’t ya got any runnin’ lights in this thing? It’s darker n’ pitch in here!” Applejack shouted over the oppressive din of the tank’s engines. With the behemoth sitting trapped inside the Apple family barn, the sound was echoing.

“Huh? Oh, yeah! Hold on!” Twilight cried back to her friend. With a quick snap of her hoof, a control button was clicked to ON, and a pair of dinky red lights buzzed away above Applejack’s head, offering barely any change in lighting within the cab.

“Oh, thanks,” she muttered darkly.

“Whatsat?” the unicorn screamed back to her friend. “I can’t hear you over these engines!” Applejack opened her mouth to speak once more, but was cut off as Twilight yelled back again from the helm.

“Whatever, don’t worry about it, we gotta get out of the barn before we smog ourselves out. Rainbow Dash!” The addressed pony snapped to attention. Twilight punctuated ahead in the air with a straightened hoof for added emphasis. “Forward!”

With a curt nod, an ecstatic Dash followed her friend's orders and smashed a hoof onto the metal hoofpedal, slamming it all the way down until it stopped with a chunk at the foot of the floor.

“No, wait—!” Applejack cried out as the engine’s deafening roar became conjoined with the shattering sound of crackling wood panels and the squealing of metal hinges as they were ripped apart from each other. Twilight merely pricked up an ear as she thought she heard the sound of somepony shouting behind her, but quickly dismissed the perceived sound as it was lost in a wash of engine roar and splintering wood.

As the tank finally smashed through the heavy doorway, Rarity let out a yelp of surprise.

“Ow! My beautiful sapphire eye! Why does the sun have to be so bright?” the prissy white unicorn complained. She let out a dramatic moan and placed a hoof gingerly over the eye that she had been using to look out of the spotter’s scope.

“Oh fer Pete’s sake, Rarity, get over yourself. You’re fine.” Applejack sighed as the unicorn carried on. With a humph, the fashionista-turned-gunner returned to her post as forward watch, careful to use her other eye.

“Uh, you guys…” came a squeaky little voice from the back, near the ammunition cabinet. “You guys-!” Fluttershy yelled louder, trying to get everypony’s attention. “I really don’t think this is a good idea!” she finally shouted over the din. After the tank had finally left the close confines of the barn, the echoing noise had died down, but Fluttershy’s miniscule voice was still barely eking out over the vicious roar of the engine.

“Relax Fluttershy, we’re in a tank. What could possibly go wrong!?” came Dash’s gallant reply. As per usual, her voice was awash with a self-assured confidence. Fluttershy merely quieted down and resigned herself back to her post as gunnery assistant.

“So, Twilight!” shouted Pinkie from up above, near the turret port hatch, “When do I get to use the big-ol’ machine gunney? Huh? Huh? Huh?” The pink pony’s incessant insistence made Twilight laugh.

“Just hold on, Pinkie, we’re not near anything we would need that for. Be patient!” Pinkie Pie merely moaned to herself, and resumed fidgeting around with her mane as it stuck out wildly from beneath her heavy gunner’s helmet.

“Fence, coming up! Gun it, Rainbow!” Rarity shouted with a gleefully cruel tone. Rainbow acknowledged, and the group felt a slight bump as the tank ran right over the heavy wooden fence.

“Hey!” Applejack shouted in surprise. “Thas’ mah fence that Ah spent two seasons workin’ on!”

“Oh come on, Applejack. We’re just having fun here, right?” Rarity called down, her voice devilishly silken with her bit of revenge. She laughed haughtily as Applejack let out a heavy sigh of frustration. The orange earth pony looked up, though, as Twilight called out from ahead of her.

“AJ, Ponyville, dead ahead! Get that cannon loaded!” Applejack nodded, and helped Fluttershy out as they loaded the one-hundred-and-twenty-millimeter-round shell into the firing port. Slamming the safety cover closed, she called out to Rarity.

“Okay, sugarcube, gimme mah first target!” The white unicorn glanced carefully through the scope, hemming and hawing as she moved the tank’s swivel top around to find an appropriate target.

“Hmm, ahmm… huh. Aha!” she cried out finally. “Town Hall, perfect! Bearing seven-oh-one by six-four-three! Go!” Her voice held a wicked glee.

Applejack adjusted the cannon ever so slightly, and gripped the pull cord tightly between her teeth.

“Ready to fire!” she shouted through a mouthful of rope.

A heavy pause stood still in the cabin as Twilight snapped on the brakes and braced the tank to fire. Time stopped; Twilight shouted back:

“FIRE!”

With a sharp tug, all six ponies gasped slightly as the entire tank shuddered under the vestiges of a glass-shattering crack! Everypony stopped and listened intently to the high pitched whine of the traveling round over the rumbling engine. Soon, it died away to nothing. Save for the mumbling hum of the engine, it was dead silent.

All five ponies jumped in shock as Rarity cried out.

“YYESSS! Just look at that building shatter! Dear sweet Celestia, that is simply beautiful!” As the unicorn looked away from the sight, she blushed heavily and let out a dainty cough. “What? A lady can enjoy a good roof-shattering explosion when she wants to!”

Pinkie pushed Rarity out of the way, shouting aloud.

“Hey, I wanna see!” Peering through the sight, Pinkie gasped and shouted just as Rarity had. “Holy-moley, look at the roof, it’s in pieces all over the ground! Nice shot, Applejack!” she added ecstatically as she pulled herself back up to her stationary position near the hatch.

“S’ nothin’,” Applejack replied humbly. The gunnery ponies looked forward as Twilight shouted back to them.

“Hey, girls, focus! They know we’ve got a tank now, so they’re gonna be getting here to stop us! Fluttershy and Applejack, get that cannon loaded! Rarity, I want you calling out targets as you see them! Rainbow Dash—” The Technicolor mare glanced over at Twilight expectantly.

“Drive!” shouted the mad unicorn as she hooved the air in front of her for added emphasis. Obeying her friend’s order, Dash punched the gas and took off, speeding down the hill from Sweet Apple Acres to Ponyville. The engines roared, and the tank rocked wildly as they sped down the dirt path to town.

“Applejack: Joke shop! Bearing seven-seven-oh by six-nine-nine!” came Rarity’s voice among the rattling compartment.

“Hey!” shouted Pinkie defiantly from above, but everypony ignored it. Adjusting the cannon accordingly, Applejack loaded the shell with Fluttershy’s help, and called out to Twilight, who fixed the tank’s speed appropriately. After receiving a shout of confirmation, Applejack ripped at the cord. Another missile rocked the tank’s form, and a cry from Rarity confirmed the hit.

Pinkie laughed maniacally as she stuck a baby blue peeper through Rarity’s scope.

“Ohmygosh! Look, there’s joke moustaches flying around everywhere! It’s a moustachacre!” She collapsed into fits of laughter at her own joke as Rarity nudged her aside with a groan and got another bearing.

“Applejack: Schoolhouse! Bearing six-seven-one by four-one-oh!” came another string of coordinates. She added at the last second, “And look, I can see Sweetie Belle! Hi, Sweetie Belle!” Pinkie howled in uncontrollable laughter at the unicorn’s ludicrous mocking.

With sweat dripping down her face, Applejack stuck her tongue out in concentration as she adjusted the fine knobs. Loading yet another heavy shell with Fluttershy’s help, the pair stepped back and ripped at the fire cord. As it fired, though, the tank rocked dangerously back and forth in its forward momentum.

“Hey, hey, hey! I wasn’t ready to fire!” Twilight shouted back angrily. The blushing earth pony apologized profusely, but was cut off by Rarity’s shouting.

“Bye Sweetie Belle!” She laughed as she spotted the tiny filly blast off from the point of impact, some twenty feet straight backwards. “Ah, Applejack: Spa! They always charge too high! Well, guess what ladies, here’s your tip!” Rarity cackled insanely as she read the bearing out loud to her friend.

With an assurance of being fire-ready, Applejack yanked at the fire cord and privately enjoyed the rocking motion of the tank. Rarity’s insane laughter stopped suddenly, though, and turned to outraged shouting.

“Hey, hey! Applejack, my house! I said bearing five-oh-seven, you imbecile!” she shouted in outrage. Everypony else simply laughed as Applejack merely shrugged and said “Oops.” Rarity was fuming mad, and steam seemed to be pouring out of her nostrils.

“I can’t believe-!” But the prissy mare’s angry retort was cut short as the entire tank rocked violently, throwing her and Pinkie into a tangled mess on the floor by Applejack’s hooves. At Twilight’s cry, Rainbow Dash took evasive maneuvers, blasting forward with more force than anypony had thought possible in this monstrous beast. Rarity’s gasp resounded inside the confines of the cab as she scrambled up to the spotter’s scope.

“Twilight, royal guards are swarming around us! It doesn’t look like they’re armed, though, I—” An ear-shattering crash cut her off, and the tank shuddered viciously. Rarity gulped heavily, and said:

“Nope. They’re definitely armed.”

Twilight wiggled around in her seat and shouted back at the gunnery crew.

“Pinkie!” The addressed madcap little earth pony saluted to her commander. “Time to use the big-ol’ machine-gunny!”

Pinkie merely broke into an insane grin, finished her salute, and clambered up the ladder. Disengaging the heavy lock, she sprung the hatch door open and felt her mouth drop at what she saw before her.

Almost a hundred royal guards were running strafing patterns around in the air above them. Several groups were arranged in firing squads, toting magic-powered bazookas. Scrambling to get in the turret, Pinkie racked the heavy handle back. Getting her hoof on the trigger, she squeezed, and felt the machinegun kick under her harder than Gummy on bath day.

“Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-!” Her voice undulated to each heavy hit as she left her mouth wide open in shock. She aimed at a squad of armored pegasi, and let out a yip of excitement as they spiraled down out of the sky into a pile of dust off in the distance.

“Bye-bye, pegasi! See you next fall!” she giggled as waves of armored pegasi fell under her unending gunfire. A collective groan could be heard beneath Pinkie at her puns, but she didn’t care. As the last wave of pegasi guards broke off and headed back for Canterlot castle, she let out a resounding cheer.

“They’re gone guys! They’re going back to the castle!” she shouted down to her friends.

“Uh, Pinkie,” Rarity tried to cut in between the earth pony’s gleeful celebrating.

“Ooh! You know what? This calls for a party! Tank party!” she cried, and began shuffling in a mad dance in the turret harness.

“Pinkie!” all five ponies shouted up at their babbling friend. Pinkie stopped, face stuck in confusion.

“What?” she implored hastily; party ideas were already swirling around in her mind!

“Behind you! P-Princess!” Fluttershy cried, pointing a hoof in the direction out of the hatch. With a start, Pinkie turned around, and ducked under cover as a great white object shot past them with a streak of pastel rainbow light.

“What in the good name of Me is going on here!?” commanded Princess Celestia’s voice imperially. Pinkie jumped onto the machine gun with a deft crash, and fumbled with the controls that suddenly seemed to be way more confusing than they ought to have been. Finally, she let out a shout of triumph as her hoof found the trigger. With a hard tug, she prepared to let a volley of lead fly at the crazy princess.

Her face dropped into a gasp of complete horror as the trigger merely stopped halfway and let out an echoing click. Out of ammo!

“Rainbow Dash, DDRIIVVEE!” Pinkie screamed down into the cab, and Dash was on it faster than her signature rainboom. Pinkie felt her body fly back from the turret position as she crashed into Fluttershy once more.

“Aw, hay, we are so bucked!” Rainbow cried as she leaned over the controls, as if willing the tank to fly faster forward if she powered it with her wings. “Bucked, bucked, bucked!” she sobbed as the tank screamed forward.

“Rainbow! Get ahold of yourself!” Twilight cried, and stopped her hoof in midair as she was about to slap Dash right across the face. For fear she would lose concentration and slow the tank, the unicorn dropped the all-mighty hoof of pain and turned back around, addressing the ponies behind her. “What’s our ammo count, girls?” she inquired of the gunnery ponies. Fluttershy peeked into the ammunition cabinet, counting out each fat shell with a point of her hoof.

“Two left,” she said finally, after a long, drawn out pause.

“Why did that take so long!?” Dash cried from over at the controls. Fluttershy huffed slightly.

“They were rolling around, Rainbow…” she settled firmly. Dash groaned, and got back to driving straight through town, crashing through apple stands and confectionery carts in a shower of danishes and shredded Golden Delicious.

“Well then, it’s down to this, girls,” Twilight commanded forcefully. “We only have two chances to get this mad mare off our flanks, and we’ll be lucky if we even get one. So! Everypony, get to position!”

A resounding chorus of “Roger!” echoed in the cramped quarters as each pony scrambled to their spots.

“Pinkie! I need eyes on the sky, okay?” Rarity shouted, and the crazy earth pony gave a quick salute and made a mad dash up the ladder.

“Oookay, she’s at our six o’clock, coming in… Holy Guacamole! What’s going on with her horn!?” she cried from atop the lookout. Pinkie ducked in below, just as a cascade of hot sparks ran up the side of the tank and straight down the middle. Losing control of the behemoth, Rainbow shouted in surprise as they careened straight into the side of Rarity’s already-demolished house.

“Oh, Rainbow, my house! Again!?” she squealed as the tank stopped dead and the engines petered out with a choking sob to match Rarity perfectly.

The cockpit was pitch black again. Twilight shouted at Pinkie to get the hatch open! Following her friend’s orders, sunlight flooded down into the tank, followed by a fine shower of dust. Pinkie stuck her head out, and gasped.

“She’s on the ground! She’s coming this way!” she cried down to her friends.

“Get a bearing on her!” Twilight shouted at Rarity. Picking herself up, the white mare scrambled over to her position at the scope.

“Bearing oh-oh-one by oh-one-six!” she gasped, and coughed heavily as a thick cloud of dust rained down on her face.

Fluttershy and Applejack rocketed into action. Hefting a round into the cannon, Applejack shut the door with a bucking kick, and grasped the pull cord in her teeth.

“Ready!”

“Guys, she’s walking here right now!” Pinkie screamed down to her friends. “She does not look happy!”

“Just fire the bucking shot, Applejack!” Twilight screamed at the earth pony. With a sharp tug, the tank bucked hard and the round collided with the princess straight on.

A blistering wave of heat and an ear-piercing scream of an explosion ripped into the cab as each pony took cover. Suddenly, everything became eerily and disturbingly silent.

The heavy stillness was punctuated suddenly by Pinkie’s cheers of ecstatic excitement.

“We did it guys! We did it!” she said, breaking into another victory dance at the rim of the tank’s hatch.

She stopped suddenly, though, as a completely unscathed Princess continued her forward advancement through the dark mist of smoke. A cruel smile clung to her lips as she stopped, mere feet away from the tip of tank’s massive cannon barrel.

“Game’s over, my little ponies,” she whispered menacingly. With a deft leap, she rocketed into the air and slammed straight down into the center of the tank, crushing everypony inside the grisly metal coffin.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

GAME OVER

The words splashed on the screen now, awash with the dancing, pixelated sprites of Celestia’s laughing face and the extremely irritating synthetic music of a funeral dirge.

Throwing down her controller with a clatter to the floor, Twilight Sparkle merely smashed her hoof in her face in a sign of utter defeat. Over her headset, she heard the cries and moans of everypony else who had been playing along with her.

“Aw, come on! What the hay, guys? How did we lose again!?”

“What in tarnation happened? I kept pressing X, but mah action bar wasn’t rechargin’.”

“Applejack, I still cannot believe you blew up my house!”

“That was fun! Again, again! I wanna go again!”

“Guys, can we play Harvest Moon now…?”

A barking laugh came now over the headset.

“My goodness, you six, that was fun. The part where I get you all in the end is always my favorite! Better luck next time, though!”

Twilight merely shoved her face deeper into her hoof at the Princess’ jeering. Getting up, she switched off the console and tossed the headset onto her chair.

Books are way better, she decided with a sigh as she lugged herself up to her room.