Paradoxical

by Smaug the Golden

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Starswirl the Bearded, Adventure
Length: 20462

Starswirl the bearded is a magical genius. And, like all geniuses, he promptly gets himself into trouble with his latest discovery.

Starswirl has invented the perfect time travel spell. With it, he can visit anytime, anyplace throughout all of history. Celestia, deciding that his new spell is a terrible idea, tries to prevent him from using it before he does something ridiculous. Unfortunately, the first thing he decides to mess with is all of history. After all, nothing can go wrong when you're fixing all of your forefathers' mistakes.

Enormous thanks goes to my editor, AlicornPriest. Cover art was done by the amazing xoxPinkiePiexox

Published 2015-05-11 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-29 20:00:14 UTC

Res Pisces.

Arcane gave me a scathing look. “Why do we have to use powdered candy cane in this summoning recipe? I mean, that isn’t even a magical ingredient! It’s not like it’s tooth of dragyn ancient or leg of cockroach vyle. Where is this alchemist’s sense of magic?” We were currently situated in his house, which was a medium- sized building on the outskirts of the city. He did most of his crazy experiments here, and he had actually received a request that he live on the outskirts so that he wouldn’t destroy any more suburbs with his creations.

I rolled my eyes. Arcane was a genius and a good friend, but at times like this, he just didn’t understand the nuances of true magic. For example, he didn’t understand that cockroach vyle was not what one called the massive creatures that were filled with holes. Obviously, they were called… okay, I didn’t actually know what they were called, but they obviously weren’t called cockroach vyle. Their name was probably something very scientific, such as Plenum Foramina.

“Arcane, don’t worry about it. This alchemist’s recipe is for function, not form.”

“I’ll say,” he muttered. “It’s like he doesn’t understand that things really don’t enjoy being called by their scientific name. I really don’t like the idea of standing over a lake and shouting ‘Res Pisces, I summon thee!’, or whatever it is in the old tongue. Seriously, there’s a reason people don’t use scientific names in common practice, and it isn’t because they’re hard to say.”

“So? It’s not like it’s going to drown you for using its scientific name to address it.”

“Um, yes it will. Kelpies don’t like to be called ‘fish thing’ in the old tongue.”

“That’s exactly the point. We’re trying to annoy the kelpie so that it’ll pay attention to us.”

“Annoy it? We’re going to straight- up insult it!”

I shrugged. “You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do for science.”

“Such as toss me to a very dangerous kelpie?”

“I wouldn’t go so far as to toss you. Maybe give you a push, but that’s about it.”

Arcane gave me another scathing glance, (he was quite good at them), and then turned back to the instructions for the summoning ritual. “Okay, that’s means I can legally mark you as insane,” he muttered.

“I’m most certainly not. I took a test. I was three points below the insane boundary, which means I’m not crazy.” Or was it three points above? I couldn’t honestly remember, as I had been dragged there against my will by Celestia about four years ago for an experiment involving my lunch, a zombie, a lot of carbon tetrafluoride, and Arcane’s breakfast. It’s a really long story.

“Regardless of what the score said, I still find you certifiably insane,” Arcane grumbled.

“Can we forget about me being ‘insane’ and work on kelpie summoning?”

“Fine.” He ran a hoof towards the bottom of the summoning spell. “How are we going to get feather of bird most red?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’ll just pluck one off of Philomena. No problems whatsoever.”

“Are you crazy? Celestia would pluck her own wings before she’d let you take one off Philomena!”

“But Philomena likes me,” I said wisely, tapping him on the head with a quill. “I’ll just ask her for one, and she’ll give it to me.”

“Good luck, Mr. Optimist.” He waved a hoof in the direction of the door. “Go on, fetch the bird’s feather. I’ll stay here and get the other ingredients, while you go and deal with that demon.” I strode out in a cocky fashion. Philomena would be putty in my hooves when I chatted with her.

An hour later, I walked back into Arcane’s room with a phoenix feather clasped in my magical grip. He raised an eyebrow at me. “You actually managed to get it?”

“Yup, no problem whatsoever,” I bragged.

“Oh, I doubt that. Really, what did you do to get it? Head all the way to a phoenix roost and take one off a nice phoenix?”

“Nope,” I said, grinning. “I just ran up to her, struck up a conversation and plucked it from her. She didn’t even notice it. I think I could make a living at a pickpocket, come to think of it.”

“You could do that, my friend, you certainly could. I expect that Celestia would hunt you down for it, but that’s a long- term issue. Anyway, I set up the spell while you were gone.”

“You did all that without me?” I asked incredulously.

“Starswirl, I get everything done without you. It’s the way we roll. Just hand me the feather so we can get you your kelpie.” I gave him the feather, which he promptly ate. He grimaced. “That has got a terrible aftertaste.”

“You sure you wanted to eat that? I’ve heard that those can burst into flame when in your stomach. It might not start a fire, but it would certainly be painful.”

“Look, the spell requires that the person doing the summoning eats the feather. By the most lawyer-ish of standards, that makes me the one doing the spell. If you had eaten it, then Celestia could say that you had done the summoning, and she could back the fact up in a court of law. Plus, I was smart enough to drink sunscreen.”

I was amazed at how far ahead he had planned. “Wow, I hadn’t realized that you knew so much about magical law.”

“When I’ve got a friend like you around, I do my best to learn all the magical loopholes.”

“Fair enough. So, can I see the set-up ritual?”

“Yes,” Arcane said wearily. He waved a hoof towards his back door. “We were supposed to have a good- sized lake handy, but we didn’t, so I had to borrow a neighbor’s bathtub for the kelpie to be summoned in.” He led me out of his house to where he had set up the spell.

I raised an eyebrow. “You sure that this is how it’s supposed to be set up?” Arcane had probably done his best, but I didn’t think that it was up to snuff. He had set a medium- sized bathtub in the center of a wide circle made of what looked like the candy cane he had complained about. A small sandwich was placed, somehow floating, on the top of the water in the bathtub, and iron was sprinkled in an oval around the bathtub.

“Look, Starswirl, that spell was made for major-league warlocks. The two of us are just a pair of stallions who make our living helping out around the city. I also highly doubt that the kelpie will care that we gave it a cheese sandwich instead of the blood of an enemy. Besides, where would we get the blood of an enemy?”

I gave that question a long thought. “Well, there’s always Ber--”

“That was rhetorical. Don’t ever answer a question like that,” he snapped. “Now, let’s get your kelpie and get this over with.” He strode over to the bathtub and stood over it. He set his front hooves over the water in it and began chanting. Say what you will about Arcane Convoker, but he knew how to chant like nobody’s business.

“Res Pisces profundis! Voco te! Sum piger et non possum cogitare de alio!” And with those words, the bathtub’s water began to bubble and froth. “It’s coming,” Arcane muttered to me. “I’m starting to think this was a bad idea.”

I was about to answer when the kelpie burst forth of the water. It looked like a normal, green pony from the front hooves and up, even having a surprisingly pony-like muzzle, but it had a sea serpent’s characteristic tail instead of hind hooves and a mane. It also looked pretty cramped in the bathtub.

It opened its mouth, probably to say something cliché that all monsters like to say when summoned, such as ‘who dares summon me,’ 'you face this kelpie,' or something else, but I stopped it dead in its tracks. “Look, I need to ask you a few questions.”

The kelpie looked severely irritated, and it set its head on its hooves. “Drat, not another truth-seeker trying to get me to confirm that I’m the living embodiment of evil. Well, I’m not, so you can release me now.”

Arcane promptly fell over in surprise. “Okay,” he said. “I’m used to the things I’m summoning to tell me to release them or offer me power, but I had yet to meet one that seems to be ticked off about what we’re going to ask it.”

The kelpie gave him a scathing glance almost as good as his own. “I have the right to be annoyed by the fact that a pair of unicorns summoned me from a party I was attending. Besides, wouldn’t you be irritated if someone else’s magic swept you up out of nowhere?”

“Not really," I commented. “It would just allow me to learn something else. I mean, a friend of mine once let foreign magic bring him back to life in order to work on something.”

The kelpie groaned. “You’re not a friend of Never Quits, are you? Cause let me tell you, that guy was a pain to work with. Didn’t even have the decency to tip me for my hard work.”

“This guy knows Never Quits?” Arcane asked me.

“Apparently. He did say he made a pact with something, although I didn’t know it was a kelpie.”

“Oh, just pretend that I don’t exist,” the kelpie muttered under its breath. “I won’t mind if you discuss my business behind my back.”

I gave the kelpie an appreciative nod. “Thank you for understanding.” The kelpie spluttered, but I ignored it. “So,” I said as I made a huddle with Arcane, “what should we do with it?”

“You’re supposed to bargain with it,” Arcane hissed. “You know, make it agree to answer your questions truthfully and all that. But remember, don’t give it your name. It’s very dangerous if it has your name.”

I laughed. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of giving it my name.” I strode over to the kelpie. “How’s it going? The name’s Arcane Convoker.” I heard a thud, presumably Arcane banging his head against something. “I need your help with a spell I’m working on, so I need to strike an agreement with you and all that.”

“So, what kind of contract are you looking for?” the kelpie asked suspiciously.

“Oh, you know, the standard,” I said calmly. “The twenty questions deal.” The kelpie slammed its head into the rim of the bathtub so hard that it caused cracks to appear.

“You,” it said, “are so empty headed you make zombies look smart. There is no twenty questions contract. I either grant favors or answer questions, three of each, and the price gets heavier with the complexity of the task. So, what do you want?”

“Questions three,” I said calmly.

“Alright, so what are your terms?”

“The first is that you speak the truth and the whole truth. Second: you don’t question my questions. Third, you get paid in slices of cake.”

“Cake,” the kelpie said, “is not an actual monetary unit in any country, so I can’t accept that. Your soul, sure thing. Servitude, no problem. I could even take your firstborn child, but I can’t take cake.”

“That,” I said, playing my trump card, “is where you are wrong. Here in the wonderful world of Equestria, Celestia herself is willing to trade favors for cake, so why won’t you do it? I mean, what would the faery economy do if the services of a nation’s ruler were cheaper than your nation’s people?”

The kelpie paled visibly, making it look like it wanted to lose its lunch. Which, considering what I had just suggested, was a possible option. “All right, all right, I’ll take your stupid cake. However, I want the exact same stuff that you’ve given to the ruler. I also want half of my payment up front.”

“No problem,” I said calmly.

Arcane came over with what looked like a proverbial thundercloud over his head. “You know, you just made it so that we have to break into Celestia’s or Luna's kitchen to pay this kelpie.”

I gave my best forced grin to the kelpie. “Pardon me for a moment.” I huddled once more with Arcane. “Don’t worry,” I said to him. “I’ll just take a slice from the kitchen. It’s not like Celestia would notice. She has food flowing in and out of there like it’s a trader’s exchange.”

“You’re going to get into so much trouble,” Arcane muttered.

"It's something I have to deal with," I shrugged. I turned back towards the kelpie. “C’mon, kelpie, you can come and inspect the goods for yourself.”

“The name’s Riptide,” it muttered darkly, flopping out of the bathtub. At this point, I felt that I had gotten enough info on the kelpie to label it as male.

“How are you able to traverse land?” Arcane asked, voicing the question I was too nervous to ask.

“I’m a kelpie,” Riptide muttered. “I make a living coming onto land and dragging ponies into the water. I’ve got my methods.”

“So,” Riptide muttered, “let me get this straight.” The three of us had gone into the castle, snitched some of the food that was for the banquet, and had come back. “You two are working on a spell, and you think that only a kelpie such as myself can help you? You’re also going to pay me with the most ridiculous of commodities, and you intend for us to depart with no hurt feelings?”

“That’s correct.”

Riptide sighed and set his head against the bathtub’s rim, where he had made cracks earlier. “Fine. What do you want to know?”

“Well,” I said, preparing my next words carefully. “How is it that a constantly changing element, like water, is influenced through magic?”

“Okay, first: water is not an element,” Riptide hissed. “Second: you dragged me all the way here to figure out how you influence water with magic? The answer is you just use magic on it! Is it really that hard? Why not just toss all decency I have out the window?”

“Don’t worry too much,” Arcane said. “He makes everyone feel that way. It’s only natural if you feel like he’s mocking you. He’s just really bad at realizing the obvious.”

I blinked a few times. “Wait, you just use magic on it? You don’t, you know, have to perform special rituals or something?”

“It’s just liquid,” Riptide said. “It’s not like it’s some special, magical substance. You just use magic on it like you would anything.”

“Oh…”

“Can I go now?” Riptide pleaded, glancing at Arcane.

He shrugged. “Sorry, but you’ve still got two questions to answer.” Riptide swore in something that sounded like the old tongue, and turned his attention back to me.

“Alright,” I said, “how bad would it be if I ended up messing up history?”

Arcane’s jaw dropped, and Riptide whistled, something that I had to give him credit for, considering his lack of lips. “Now that is an impressive question. Strictly speaking, you can’t actually mess up history, as far as I can tell. Anything you do will have already happened, it being history and all, so it will have already happened. That, or you would probably end up killing yourself and save me a lot of trouble. There, now make use of your last question. I want to get away from you two.”

Arcane came over and began whispering to me. “You know, you could just ask him for whatever spell you’re trying to get.”

“That would be silly,” I whispered. “No one ever does that in the faery tales.”

“You’re an idiot at times,” Arcane muttered. “A likable idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.” He turned to face Riptide and promptly used my last question. “Okay, Riptide, how does one travel through time?"

Riptide jaw dropped which then began a smile. “Finally, you two make some sense.” He disappeared into the depths of the bathtub, a feat I had to give him massive credit for, and left Arcane and I hanging.

“Do you think he’ll come back?” Arcane asked.

“Eh, probably. He hasn’t answered our question yet, although it would be like a kelpie to stiff us.”

“Hey!” Riptide snapped, materializing out of the depths of the bathtub once more. “That’s speciesist! Anyway, here.” He tossed a thick volume at the two of us, which struck Arcane in the chest. “There you go. Have fun.”

“Wait,” I snapped, turning the book open for him to see. “There’s nothing in here about a spell to travel through time!” I dropped it as I focused all my attention onto Riptide, which caused Arcane to grunt.

“Do I have to spell this out for you? There’s this marvelous little thing called research, my friend. Give it a try sometime.” Then he grabbed the cake we had promised him and disappeared back into the bathtub’s depths.

Author's Note

Truly, Starswirl is a master scientific names. After all, changelings should be called full of holes. I will neither confirm nor deny that the old tongue is Latin. Oh, and Riptide is best kelpie.

Breakthrough.

“Arcane,” I said, “I think I have made a breakthrough.” I shook him awake and showed him my mighty ‘scroll of scribbling,;’ where I had copied the important bits from the old tome Riptide had given the pair of us.

Arcane rolled over under his blanket. “It’s five in the morning; give me some sleep. Seriously, do you not understand that coffee is not the key to healthy sleep habits?” I continued to shake him until he got up, at which point he finally realized the most pressing question; which wasn’t about my coffee addiction. “How did you get into my house?”

“Teleportation,” I said, shrugging. “It’s not like you have any wards against teleportation around this place. You really need to fix that.”

“That’s because,” Arcane growled, pulling himself into a sitting position, “my job is to summon things that can’t teleport. Do you really think I would spend my cash on supplies for defense mechanisms that will only be useful every one time out of a thousand?”

“Considering that things that can teleport are usually the one to brutally murder you in the dead of night, such as an assassin, I’d say it’d be a worthwhile investment.”

“Assassins are a trifle against my security,” Arcane said, allowing himself a moment of pride. “It’s designed to violently eject any invaders, preferably through the ground.”

“Isn’t that dropping them, not ejecting them?”

Arcane stood up, went over to his kitchen, and grabbed his leftovers from yesterday. “You know,” he said, munching on his hayburger, “it technically is ejecting, as theirre remains are still spat out by Berserk when he’s done. But yeah, it’s more of dropping. Anyways, what sort of breakthrough do you have?” I showed him my mighty scroll once more. “You’re joking. We went through all of that trouble for the kelpie to tell us this?”

“Not really. A lot of the stuff we got from the kelpie was irrelevant to the topic at hand, but it’s still useful. I mean, we could use it to peer into the hearts and souls of other ponies. It also had information on lost cities, countries and stuff like that. It would solve all of the issues with interrogation that the princesses have.”

Arcane raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t there, you know, some giant controversy about that a few years back?”

“It’s politics,” I said. “There’s controversy about everything.”

Arcane gave a little nod of understanding. “Alright, fair enough. But seriously, you expect me to believe that this spell will work?” He pointed to multiple of the more weirdly worded lines of the spell. “I know that it’s a mental spell, but I really doubt that this is what one wants to envision while traveling through time.”

“Well,” I said, “do you want to come to the past with me or not? This is the only way I could think of, so you’d be missing out on the chance of a lifetime.”

Arcane sighed. “Fine, but let me grab something else to eat. I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who died by traveling through time after he ate a hayburger.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.

Arcane used his magic to levitate an apple of a shelf and began eating it. “Because,” he said in between bites, “the ponies of the Canterlot are generally idiots who take inferences from the smallest of things.”

“Fair point. But really, how would they know that you died thanks to time travel?”

“Coroners. They know everything.”

I gave a noncommittal grunt. “Maybe you’re right. Really though, why would you care if the ponies of Canterlot find out you ate a hayburger before you died?”

“Ponies think they’re unhealthy.”

“Are they?”

“Probably,” Arcane admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I want them to be the subject of the headlines.” He headed over to his closet and started pulling things out. “So, tour guide of time, when are we going and where?”

“Why do you care?” I asked.

“Because,” he said, “if we’re traveling through time, we’re going to want to be able to fit in.”

“Why?”

Arcane rolled his eyes. “Genius, we’ve got to avoid upsetting the universe’s bonds and things like that. If we don’t fit in, we could end up screwing things up.”

“But didn’t Riptide say that you can’t actually mess up history?”

“Look,” Arcane said, “do you really trust Riptide all that much? I mean, he was a malevolent water demon whom you summoned in an attempt to give you information. It’s not like he wouldn’t trick you in order to get you into trouble. So, my reasoning is that, with these disguises, we’ll be able to go in time to observe and we won’t do anything extremely horrible. You get to use your spell, I get to stay alive, and Celestia doesn’t get to find out. It’s a win-win scenario.”

I thought about it for a moment, then grinned. “You know, you’re right. So, what outfits do you have, out of curiosity?”

Arcane shrugged. “Lots. Just name where we’re going and I’ve got the outfit.” He patted the saddlebag at his side. “The best part is that it all fits into this little saddlebag here.”

“Why? Are all the clothes made for breezies?”

“No, because it’s got an enchantment on it. It has no depth perception.”

“Can’t argue with that,” I admitted. “So, grab the clothes that they wore before the tribes were united.”

“What?” Arcane shrieked. “I refuse to head to that time period. What happens if we end up in earth pony territory? They would throw us in a dungeon or something! The pegasi would simply execute us, and the unicorns would probably interrogate us or something.”

“Arcane,” I said, patting him on the back, “don’t you know that the history books are never accurate? There’s always something that the historians messed up. They get paid to accentuate the negative, so of course the books would say that times were bad back then. You shouldn’t trust everything you read, after all.”

“Says the unicorn that took advice from a book given to him by an evil kelpie,” Arcane muttered as he reached into his bag. He tossed me a long cloak, which I proceeded to put on, and he put one on as well. “So, I’m assuming, once again, that there’s no chance of convincing you otherwise?”

“Look, you knew what you were getting into when I started paying you; this is the wrong time to be getting cold feet.”

“Fine.” Arcane grabbed the spell parchment from the table with his telekinesis and held it in front of his face.

“You ready?”

“No, but you’re making me go through with this either way.”

“True, I suppose. Well, do you think you’ll be able to cast the spell?” Arcane nodded. Our horns flared, and the present was swept away in a spiral of green and red. Stupid holiday- related magic. Holidays, you could never escape them.

When the world rematerialized around us, the first thing I noticed was just how cold it was around us. The biting wind and the falling snow made seeing a pain as well. Arcane had somehow ended up under a large pile of snow, and I had to help drag him out. He brushed snow off his cloak with his hoof and gave our surroundings a long look. “We’re not in Equestria, are we?”

“Who knows?,” I said. “Come one, we better get walking. We came here for research; I’m not going to stand round in the snow when I have the chance of a lifetime.”

“You’re a genius who knows how to travel through time, yet you can’t figure out how to travel by anything other than walking.”

“Look,” I said. “Let’s just explore and see where we are, and when we get home, I’ll figure out a spell that gives ponies wings. I’ll make them faery wings as well, just for you.”

“I’ll pass,” he muttered as he began to trudge through the snow. “So, you really don’t have any idea as to where we are?”

“Not in the whole wide world,” I said happily as I began to walk beside him. “I know when we are, which is always a plus.”

“Only you could say that with a straight face.”

“Ah, c’mon,” I said., “if worse comes to worst, I’ll just send us forward in time, no problem. Nothing bad is going to happen to us.”

“As I said thousands of years in the future: ‘you’re the guy who trusts a water demon.’”

“Get over it.” Arcane muttered some more, but he kept his dissent to himself. As we walked, not much came into view. The blizzard obscured most of the land, and Arcane probably didn’t see much, as he had his eyes on the ground the whole time.

After about ten more minutes, Arcane decided to vent. “Nothing’s here, Starswirl! When did you send us to, the frozen north after the ponies left?”

“Shhh,” I whispered. “You never know who might be listening. And I sent us to when they defeat the windigoes. It should happen any minute now.”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Arcane hissed. “No windigoes, no magic, no blizzard- ending properties. That’s not going to happen right now, simply because you screwed up. We’re obviously not in the correct time period, and you need to face that.”

I shook my head. “I did my calculations. I sent us to the correct year...” I trailed off as I ran some more numbers through my head.

“What? What?” Arcane shrieked. “What did you do this time?”

“Well,” I said, more than a little embarrassed. “I might have sent us to the wrong decade. I forgot to factor in the fact that the calendar changed a few years back, so I forgot all of those extra days that we had to shave off. Don’t worry, we’re probably just about five years before the windigoes get defeated.”

“Then send us home,” Arcane hissed. “You know what they’ve said about this point in history. What happens if we run into an earth pony city or Terra itself? We’d be dead as a doornail.”

“No,” I said firmly as I scanned the landscape for something. “I came here to see what happened, and this is the perfect chance to see it. We’ll just go and find a village or city that could make use of our magical talents. We can’t be that far from a unicorn settlement. Besides, I told you, history is always an exaggeration.”

“And you would know that for what reason?”

“Geography,” I said happily, walking off in the direction that I hoped was north. “I specified that we would be sent to the same place as Clover the Clever was in the time we were in, so we’re probably about ten or twenty miles away from where he is.”

“And why not exactly where he is?” Arcane asked as he rushed to keep up with me.

“Well,” I admitted, “I also forgot to take into account the fact that they stopped using the metric system when Celestia took over. In this time period, they use meters and centimeters and the like instead of feet.”

Arcane’s mane burst into flames, melting the nearby snow for a few seconds. “Starswirl!” he roared, “from now on, I am going to choose our destination.”

“Alright, alright. Next time, you can choose where we go in history. Happy?”

“No!”

“Is there a problem?” a voice asked. The pair of us whipped around to see a unicorn standing behind us. He wore a long cloak that looked cozier than mine, and he had a semi-decent helmet on his head. “Why are you two arguing?”

Arcane gave the unicorn a nervous glance. “Um, no reason?”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. “Two ponies of the same race, having an argument in the freezing cold? I doubt that such a situation warrant’s ‘no reason.’”

“Well…” I admitted, “we were sort of arguing about…” I paused, trying to think of something to say.

“Yeah,” the unicorn said, “you’re going to have to come with me.”

“Who are you exactly?” Arcane asked suspiciously. “How do you have the right to drag us places?”

“Basically,” the unicorn said calmly, “I’m that one guy who has the right to detain your for hours on end if you don’t obey my orders.”

“No, really,” I asked, “who are you?”

“The name is Copper. Now come willingly, or I’ll knock you out and drag you to the castle.”

“Well,” Arcane hissed, “I doubt you could--”

I placed my hoof over his mouth. “We’ll come.” Arcane glared at me, but I kept my hoof over his mouth. Copper nodded and we began to follow him.

“So. Let me get this straight,” Queen Brass said. Copper had dragged us straight into the throne room, where we had been greeted by Queen Brass, a thin, orange mare with a crown one size too large on her head. “Copper, you found these two arguing out on the roof?” Copper nodded, and she continued. “I don’t whether I should be more amazed over the fact that you were on the roof or the fact that they were.”

Copper shrugged. “I actually had a reason to be on the roof.”

“And what was that, pray tell?”

“Figuring out what they were doing on the roof.”

Queen Brass gave that a thought, and then turned to Arcane and meI. “And what were you two doing on the roof?”

“Investigation,” I said lamely.

“Arguing,” Arcane muttered.

“Is that so?”

“Um, yeah?”

“And what were you two investigating on my roof, out of curiosity?” the queen asked.

“Technically,” I said, “we didn’t know it was your roof. We didn’t even know it was a roof at all. We got lost.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Brass pointed out. “You’re trying to avoid the question here, which isn’t something that will keep you out of my dungeon.”

“You have a dungeon?” Arcane squeaked. “But all the sources say that you don’t have a dungeon, and my friend here,” --he jabbed me--, “said that those sources were--”

“My husband built it on a whim,” she said with a sigh. “It’s embarrassing. He basically felt that a dungeon would be a worthwhile investment for when we ended up capturing a dragon. It was a stupid reason, but it didn’t stop him from doing it.”

Arcane opened his mouth to ask something and closed it. He then opened it again. “Why does your husband want to catch a dragon?”

“He thinks that the dragons of Mount Sulfur stole a family heirloom of his. He’s planning to catch one and lock it in the dungeon until it tells us where the heirloom is.” I opened my mouth, but she shushed me. “Now, before you ask something else, I’m going to ask some questions of my own. For starters, what were you two investigating on my roof? Second, do you have anywhere you need to be? Third, how skilled are you with magic?”

“We were investigating the land, we don’t have anywhere we really need to be, and we’re both very skilled at magic. Where we come from, we’re some of the best magic users in the area.”

“What do you mean?” Arcane hissed at me. “Of course we have places to be-”

“Ignore him, your majesty. He has no idea what he’s saying.”

The queen smiled slightly. “If you really have nowhere to be, then I don’t think you’d mind staying around here for a while?”

I grinned. “I love the idea of staying for a while. I’ve always wanted to see what life was like here.”

“Would you mind helping me out while you stay? I’m looking for a tutor for my daughter and son, and you two seem capable enough.”

“Why would you hire us? I’m happy to help,” I admitted, “but why would you hire us on the spot?”

“I have a hard time hiring anyone,” she muttered under her breath. “Last interview ended with me setting the prospective tutor’s mane on fire. I’m bad at trying to hire people.”

Arcane raised an eyebrow. “That story sounds interesting.”

“It isn’t. You two are hired, but don’t ask about any past interviews, or I’ll make use of my husband’s dungeon.”

“Fair enough.”

“Good,” Brass said. Copper spluttered and she glanced at him. “Can you show…”

“Arcane and Starswirl.”

“Arcane and Starswirl to their rooms.” Copper saluted and we followed him to the location of our new job.

Arcane glared at me. "Why did you just go along with her?" he hissed.

"Trust me," I whispered. "Her husband liked the dungeon in all the history books. She liked the guillotine."

Author's Note

I hereby declare that Arcane suffers from serious Stockholm Syndrome.

Stormy weather and tempers.

“This was your most idiotic idea in ages,” Arcane muttered for the thousandth time. “We’re stuck here working for the queen of the unicorns, who you most certainly didn’t do research on, you sent us years before the actual event happened, and you got me into a job that I actually have to commit time to.”

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, “but I really thought that this would work. I planned it all out perfectly. I really don’t know where it went wrong.” The two of us had been trapped in this point of history for three years, unable to use our time travel spell for whatever reason, and had fallen into the routine of working for Queen Brass.

“The moment you trusted Riptide,” Arcane muttered, “is the moment it all went wrong.”

“Starswirl!” a voice shouted. “Where are you?” Arcane gave me a devilish glance.

“Guess Platinum wants you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, grabbing my cloak off a hook and throwing it over my shoulder. “I still don’t get how a young mare like her has better lungs than you. That should be illegal or something like that.”

“It doesn’t really matter,” Arcane pointed out as he followed me down the stairs. “Besides, any laws in this area of the world are created by her mother and father, so you’d have to take it up with one of them.”

“Thank you, Mr. I’m-going-correct-my-friends-bad-logic, but I have a whiny student to take care of. Besides, don’t you have to be somewhere today?”

“Nope,” he said happily. “Brass said that I could have the day off, so I’m going to the village. I’ve got some pay to spend. Clover’s joining me.”

“I shouldn’t have told him he could have today off. You two are going to have a laugh at my expense, aren’t you?”

“Probably.”

“Fine,” I groused. “Grab me a book while you’re out. I want something that could possibly get us out of here.”

“You tell me that every time,” Arcane replied, “and every time there’s nothing. What makes you think that there’ll be anything this time?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “But I really want to try to get out of here before anything major breaks out.”

“Seriously, what is there to worry about?” We turned around the corner and saw Platinum waiting for us. She was a small white mare, about eight years younger than Arcane and I. She had a short, purple mane, and she wore a crown that was too large for her. Definitely took after her mother.

“Well, there’s this crazy mare who I’m teaching today.”

“Starswirl!” Platinum ran over to me, jumping up and down with excitement. “Oh, and Arcane. How are you?”

“I’m heading off to town for the day,” Arcane replied, “and I’m leaving poor Starswirl to teach for the entire day.”

Platinum tilted her head slightly. “Why does that make him poor?”

“Meta-humor,” Arcane replied. “Stuff from higher planes of existence and whatnot.”

“Like demons?”

“Of course not. I mean things like Squirk. You know, terrifying eldritch abominations and time traveling wizards?”

“Why would you be chatting with eldritch abominations?”

“I don’t, but time traveling wizards are a different matter.” I glared at him and he headed off to the village, grinning like a madman.

“Starswirl, what was he talking about?”

“Ignore him,” I replied, grabbing a few books off of a nearby shelf while I was at it. “He’s been mad at me since I got us stuck in a job here. Here, take this.” I handed her a thick tome on basic summoning and another on magical creatures.

“Why is he mad about that?” She set the books on the table and looked expectantly at me.

“He liked his old job and he ended up leaving most of his stuff at his house by mistake. Anyway, turn to page ninety-eight in the bigger of the two and seventy-three in the other.” She did so and I continued. “Today, I’m going to be teaching you about the fae.”

“What are the fae?”

“If you’d let me continue, I would tell you.” She didn’t interrupt, so I continued. “The fae are a large group of creatures, generally featuring equine-like features, from creatures such kelpies...” I continued my lecture for some time, giving her information of the fae’s fear of iron, their feeding habits and so on.

After I had finished, I realized that Platinum had fallen asleep. I shook her awake. “Just five more minutes,” she muttered. “I get little enough sleep as it is.”

“You get at least five hours of sleep a day,” I snapped, “you can stay awake now.”

“But all doctors suggest at least getting eight hours of sleep a day if you’re a between fourteen and sixteen.”

“Those doctors are silly stallions who have yet to discover that coffee is Harmony’s gift to us.”

“Mother says caffeine was the invention of some cult of alchemists.”

I shook my head. “No, it was the invention of a brilliant scientist. Regardless, you need to stay awake when I’m teaching you. Whether it be by getting more sleep elsewhere or just getting into the glory of coffee, I expect you stay awake during our lessons.” Platinum groaned and I wrapped her on the head with a thin book. She winced.

“What was that for?”

“Sass and the like.”

“I could have mom use her guillotine on you,” she muttered darkly as she turned her gaze back to her book. “Besides, why is learning about the fae useful in any way?”

“Let me just say this: when you’re stuck dealing with hateful ice spirits, you’ll thank me.” She raised an eyebrow. “Who knows? I had a friend who ended up having to bargain with a kelpie in order to stay alive.” This time she blinked. “Trust me, fae dealings are rarely tamer than that.”

“But…” She threw her hooves into the air. “This is ridiculous! Why do I need to learn about the fae? I’ve never even seen one, so why would I see one anytime soon?”

“Just a hunch,” I replied, pulling more books off the shelf.

“Last time you had a ‘hunch’ you ended up burning down the west wing. I don’t see why your hunch would be any more accurate this time.”

I was about to correct her and inform her of why my hunch would be a hundred percent accurate when I accidentally dropped a book on my head; I winced, causing my magic to fizzle out and all my other books to fall.

“You okay?” She did nothing to help me, typical of her, but did come over to look. “Why were you grabbing books on advanced faery magic? Am I going to learn some of it?”

“Nope,” I replied, putting the books into my saddlebag. “They’re for Clover.” Her face fell and I almost felt bad for lying to her; she spoke and then I remembered who I was talking to.

“But you let Clover do all of the advanced magic,” she whined. “Why can’t I do some of it?”

“Clover took my advice and joined me in taking caffeine. You have not. That makes all the difference.”

“Then why isn’t he here and awake?”

“I told him could have the day off. Now, come on, let’s get back to studying.”

“I’m sorry Starswirl,” a voice said from behind me, “but I need my daughter for now.” Queen Brass was standing behind me with a look of irritation on her face. “Apparently, it turns out that someone in my court sent a letter asking for parley with the other tribes. Something about the laws of the Grand Summit. You wouldn’t happen to know who I have to blame for this?”

“No,” I said. My bewilderment must have shown on my face, because she looked surprised.

“You don’t know?”

“No,” I said honestly. “I really have no idea who sent that. I didn’t even know that there were rules of a Grand Summit. What makes you think I sent it?”

“Possibly the fact that, you know, you were the one who expressed the greatest desire to try and work out peace between the tribes, no matter what I say. You’re a hopeless optimist, and I felt that this was exactly the sort of thing you would try.” She showed me the first of two letters, which I gave an appraising look.

Queen Brass, it began. It has come to our attention that you seek to negotiate peace between our tribes. While we do not feel that such an action is possible, we are open to discussion. We request that you come to speak with us, on the third Friday of this month, on neutral territory. We hope that a peaceful solution can be reached.

However, we do request a few things. Do not send more than two of your soldiers to the location in question, we can’t have any fighting. This part of the note had a small smile drawn on it, making me question the sanity of its author. The rest of the note was inconsequential except for the end, which was signed by Chancellor Puddinghead.

When I had finished reading, Queen Brass raised an eyebrow at me. “You really have nothing to do with this? This has you written all over it.”

“Honestly, I didn’t do anything. So, what are you going to do?”

“Send Platinum in my stead.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why can’t you go? Why can’t you send Clover?”

“Hopefully,” she hissed, “she’ll mess something up and help me figure out who caused this mess. I don’t have time to deal with overblown pegasi and arrogant earth ponies; I have to stop this storm. I have to get her ready for the summit, it’s in a week.”

When the Grand Summit rolled around, I ended up having to go as ‘The Princess’s Royal Escort.’ Arcane called it a fancy way of saying that I was the chauffer. I personally didn’t care. Regardless, it resulted in me having to stand in the bleachers while the meeting went on. Arcane got lucky and got a seat near the front.

The three leaders met at a table in the center of the building. The first leader to arrive was Chancellor Puddinghead. She entered with a fanfare that defied description. As in, nobody could describe it; it happed ridiculously fast. One moment, the table had nobody standing on the earth pony side, the next moment there was an earth pony standing there. She looked like she belonged at carnival, not a political meeting. She wore an elaborate hat that held what looked like artificial pudding, hated the stuff, and clothes that were all different colors. Made quite the visual riot.

Hurricane simply flew in. Wearing a coat of mail and a dented helmet, she made the perfect image of why the Pegasus Empire reigned supreme over a quarter of the continent for eight centuries. Her mail was made up of a combination of iron and dragonscale, and her mane was cut short at her neck in case of fighting in close quarters.

Platinum bit her lip as she stepped forward. The three leaders removed their headwear, a sign of respect, and promptly began arguing. “Alright,” Commander Hurricane snapped. “Why is it that there’s no food headed our way?”

Platinum shrugged. “I really have no clue.” The two of them glared at Puddinghead, who shrugged.

“What?” she asked. “It’s the pegasi who are causing all the weather problems. We can’t grow anything in this weather.”

“What about bearberry?” Hurricane pointed out.

Puddinghead made a face. “Have you ever eaten that stuff? It tastes worse than in the pot, nine day old, porridge. Trust me, you would declare way if I tried to feed the stuff to you guys.”

“Does it really taste that bad?” Platinum asked. Puddinghead simply tossed something at her head. Platinum used her magic to catch it and put it in her mouth. She gagged and had to have Puddinghead give her Heimlich. “You’re absolutely right,” Platinum wheezed. “That tastes terrible.”

Puddinghead shrugged. “You asked. You put it in your mouth. I take no responsibilities for any side effects.”

Hurricane raised an eyebrow. “Are there side effects?”

Puddinghead shrugged. “No clue. Nobody would taste it for me. They all said that I was madder than a pegasus if I wanted them to eat it.”

“Oh,” Platinum said, eyes wide. “That bad?” Puddinghead nodded. I sighed and set my head against the nearest wall.

“You idiot,” I muttered under my breath. “That qualifies as racism.” The unicorn next to me raised an eyebrow. She had been humming up to this point, but apparently my comment had gotten her attention.

“What do you mean ‘racism’?” Her tone was friendly, as if she was oblivious to everything in the world.

“Well, you know,” I said. “They basically just said that all pegasi were mad. Don’t you think that that qualifies as racism?”

‘Not really,” she said. “I get called an idiot by my sister all the time, so what’s the difference?”

“Oi,” I heard Hurricane snap, “what do you mean, ‘madder than a pegasus?’”
I decided that this was the perfect moment to step out. “Got to go,” I said to the unicorn next to me. She waved by and I stepped out into the freezing blizzard. I heard shouting and what sounded like a brawl from inside the building, but I ignored it.

Arcane came out to find me after a little bit. “So,” he said. “Do you think they’ll be horribly injured?”

“Nope. I read up on pretty much everything before we came here. They get a few bruises, but that’s it. Platinum also breaks a wing, but there’s nothing magic can’t fix.”

“Says the unicorn who tried to create sentient life using tetrafluoride.”

“Please don’t speak of either that story ever again,” I said calmly.

Arcane shrugged. “Fair enough.” We stood there in the cold for another minute or so before speaking.

“Find anything at market?” I had forgotten to ask him earlier, what with the Grand Summit and all.

“I’ll tell you later.” Arcane nodded towards the door. “I think the meeting is ending.” He was right. The doors burst open and Chancellor Puddinghead was thrown out. She rolled for a little bit, coming to a stop five feet past the doors.

“Alright,” she hissed, swinging a hoof above her head. “You asked for it!” She went back into the building, swinging her hoof above her head like a madmare. Arcane and I stood there, watching the tussle coming from inside the building.

“You think we should go?” Arcane asked.

“Nah, this is an excellent opportunity to get away from Queen Brass, Clover and Platinum for a little while. Let’s just stand here for a little while longer.”

Author's Note

Any warning bells?

Where have I seen this before?

War was declared on the pegasi next day. And on the earth ponies. Both races also declared war on each other and then on the unicorns. My first thought was that it was stupid. I spent a few days moping around the castle before I decided that I had better find someone to complain with. As such, I went to Arcane.

“Why did war get started?” I griped. “Why couldn’t they just chat it out like friends?"

“Because,” Arcane replied as he fiddled with a book, “the tribes are all racist and arrogant. They can’t see beyond their own stupidity in order to work together in an attempt to stop this blizzard. There’s fae on the move and they can’t look beyond their own snouts.

“Effectively, they’re spoiled children. They’ve known nothing but this type of attitude and are unable to accept anything. They blame one another for their troubles instead of looking inward at themselves. They can’t stop trying to grab the bits that someone spilled when their diamonds are being stolen from their pockets.”

“That was surprisingly long-winded and was filled with more than a few metaphors.”

"I get preachy when I’m mad.”

“What are you mad about?” I asked.

“Everything. Your arrogance, the tribes’ stubbornness, the windigoes, Riptide. It’s a long list.” He slammed his book shut and began walking out of his room.

“Hey,” I asked, “where are you headed?”

“To the dungeon,” he replied. “I’ve got work to do.”

“What are you working on in the dungeon?” He chose to ignore me, walking through the corridors with me trailing behind. “Seriously, what’s your issue?” I was so preoccupied with Arcane that I forgot to look where I was going. I crashed into a blue unicorn who seemed as oblivious to the world as I was. “Sorry,” I muttered, helping her up.

“No worries,” she said happily. “Trust me, I’ve had worse. Where are you headed?”

“To the dungeon.”

“Why?”

“My friend is headed there, I’m just following him.”

“Why?” she asked. “Isn’t following someone a bad idea? You have to listen to what they say and you get nothing in return.”

“Not really,” I replied. “We’re friends, we take turns taking the lead, and so on. It’s very symbiotic.”

"My sisters say that symbiotic relationships are just another way of saying that both members of the group are parasites and thus should be stamped out,” she said. “They also say that the relationship the unicorns have with the pegasi and earth ponies is symbiotic, and as such we are all going to be destroyed by ourselves.”

“Are your sisters philosophers?” It would have explained the pessimism. Don’t sue me.

“No. Besides, what would that have to do with anything?”

“Starswirl,” I heard Arcane shout, “get down here or I’ll do it all without you.” Queen Brass, who stood nearby, gave me a very disapproving glance.

“Starswirl,” Queen Brass asked as she approached. “What are you doing with Arcane this time?”

“I have no idea,” I said. “He told me that he was making so that we didn’t have to worry about the blizzard.” The queen raised an eyebrow at me and I gave her my best 'I know nothing' smile.

“Dusk,” the queen said, turning to face the unicorn I had been talking to, “what are you doing at this hour in the morning?”

“Getting lunch,” she replied.

“Dusk,” Brass said, “it’s eight.”

“But lunch is the meal where they serve make your own foods, like sandwichs.”

“Dusk,” Brass sighed. The queen looked like she was going to go on a long explanation about economics and food. I decided to step out. I made a dash for the dungeon and Arcane.

The dungeon of Midnight Castle was one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. The king had filled it with rewards from his many expeditions. Kraken tentacles, kelpie fins, dragon teeth- you name it- adorned the walls. The king had a penchant for getting into fights with dangerous creatures. I was relatively certain that there was a demon skull in the dungeon somewhere, I just had yet to find it.

“Arcane, what are we doing down here?”

Arcane, who had somehow managed to don a suit of armor, approached me. “Starswirl, we are going to summon a kelpie. Riptide, to be precise.”

“How? And where’d you get that armor?”

“Simple. I’ve set up the summoning ritual once more. It’s not exactly hard to get the ingredients-- but I did have to pay a fortune for another phoenix feather.” He gestured with a hoof. “Follow me. Oh, and I got the armor at the market. They sell everything there. Hayburgers included.” We walked deeper and deeper into the dungeon, all the way to the bottom floor.

Arcane had set up the ritual we had used to summon Riptide in the future down to the last detail. Once more, technically for the first time in history, Arcane stood over the bathtub and chanted. For the first time in history, Riptide was summoned by Arcane.

“Who dares summon me?” he roared.

“I am…” Arcane trailed off, but quickly resumed speaking. “I am Starswirl, greatest mage to ever live.”

Riptide set a hoof against his chest, probably to make himself look patriotic. I felt it made him look stupid. “You were wise to summon Riptide, greatest and most powerful of the kelpies. I have helped the greatest warlocks of this day and age.”

“Can you name a few?” I asked.

“Sure. Never Quits, Sendak, and Meadowbrook, to name a few. I helped them with some of their mightiest schemes. If those aren’t qualifications then I don’t know what is.”

Arcane raised an eyebrow. “You knew Meadowbrook?”

“Sort of,” Riptide admitted. “He summoned me, I gave him some information, he told me that I was useless, and then sent me back to my homeland. He threw a cauldron at my head, which then helped him make one of his enchanted items.” Riptide glanced over at one wall and admired the creatures parts on it. “Wow, that’s an amazing dragon talon.”

“Which one?’

“The large gray one. Looks like it might be Gorias's.” Riptide began to reach for the claw, almost as if he wished to take it. Why he wanted to do with that I had no clue. It was old, wrinkly and had a piece of black crystal in it. I had walked past it multiple times before, and all it did was make me hate the dull colors.

“I meant the artifact.” Arcane slapped Riptide’s hoof as he reached for the talon, causing Riptide to retract it in pain.

“The one with that horribly dull name. The Sword of Sharpness or something.” Riptide waved his hoof limply a few times until it started functioning again.

“Don’t all of his items have dull names?” Arcane asked. “There’s the Helmet of Hardheadedness, the Crystal Ball of Foggy Futures, and so on.”

“I really don’t pay attention to politics and sword scandals. Regardless, why did you two summon me?”

I pulled out my scroll and showed to him. “We tried to use this thing to get to the future, but it wouldn’t work.” Riptide examined it closely.

“Well, that’s obviously not going to work. You’ve got a perfect backwards time travel spell here.”

“What?”

“Simple,” he said. “You designed a spell that would take you back in time, not forward in time.”

I blinked a few times. Arcane hit me with an ironclad hoof. “You’re dead meat.”

I shrugged. “I’m sorry.” I turned my attention to Riptide. “So, do you think you could help us engineer it to take us forward in time?”

“Nope,” Riptide said. “I could make you a new one, but it would cost you.” He placed his hoof on multiple spots of the scroll. “See, you’ve got this weird bit here, and this thing is certainly a typo from whatever you copied it from. Honestly, what kind of mind do you have, and who taught you to do time travel?”

“You. What would it cost us for a new spell?”

“You eternal soul, a boon and a lot of rock candy. Also, there's no way I could have you this. I'm certainly not incompetent. Admittedly, it makes sense, but I'm not that bad at time travel.”

“How about we just give you a bunch of cake after you’ve helped us?”

“Fine. But I still need that boon.”

Arcane raised his visor. “Why?”

“Your race is doomed if you don’t fulfil this. My cousin is bent on destroying the world as you know it.”

“You have got a terrible family.” Riptide shrugged and flopped out of the tub, dragging himself along the floor in a bizarre manner that also appeared efficient.

“She’s eviler than my other two cousins.”

"Let’s just kill her and get this over with,” Arcane muttered as he pulled a massive sword off one wall. “I’m sick of being stuck here."

Thirty minutes later, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the blizzard. Arcane was pissed and Riptide had no clue where we were. “You said you knew where your cousin was!” Arcane snapped.

Riptide shrugged as he chilled on a giant heap of snow. “I told you that she was going to destroy your race; I never said that I knew where she was.” Arcane growled and swung his sword around a few times before finally sighing and sitting down in a snowdrift.

“Why?” he murmured, throwing the sword to one side. “Why does this always have to happen to me? Any magical being I work with doesn’t even know left from right.”

Riptide flopped off of his snow pile and landed in front of Arcane. “Don’t worry pal,” he said, wrapping a hoof around Arcane and then withdrawing it immediately, “we’re not that lost. We just have to figure out where the pegasi live.”
“And where is that?”

“I have no clue,” Riptide replied as he slithered across the snow. “But it shouldn’t be too hard. They live three thousand feet off the ground in a massive city made of clouds.”

Arcane pointed upwards with a hoof. “There are clouds everywhere.”

“Well, I apologize if I didn’t realize that the pegasi had become masters of camouflage. It’s not like I keep up to date with the times.”

“Um, what are you three doing trespassing on pegasi land?” A green pegasus in a suit of dented armor stood not far from us.

Riptide raised an eyebrow. “We’re not trespassing, we’re in the middle of nowhere.” The pegasus replied by throwing the book at him. A heavy volume struck him in the chest, knocking him over. Riptide flipped through it. “You really carry this thing around with you? It’s a legal dictionary, not some soldier equipment.”

The pegasus glared at him. “If you don’t clear off, I have the right to convict the three of you on the grounds of trespassing, refusing to follow orders, and being insolent, according to the pegasi law. You could spend three months to life in prison. Do you really want that to happen?”

Riptide sighed. “Look, I’m a kelpie. You have no right to convict a fae. We’re protected by all that boring legal stuff.”

“So you’re not going to come willingly?” The pegasus bent her legs in anticipation. I glanced between the two of them, preparing for a fight.

“No, I’m not going to clear off or come with you.”

“Then I’ll have to fight you.”

Riptide grinned. “Go ahead.” The pegasus promptly attacked me and pinned me to the ground. I began screaming in panic and Riptide looked genuinely surprised. “So, you’re going to kill him if I don’t come?”

“No,” the pegasus replied. “I’m going to severely maim him. So, you going to come?”

“Arcane,” Riptide said, “knock her on the head with that sword of yours.” Arcane obliged and she fell over unconscious. “So,” Riptide commented as he pointed to her army. “She’s a relatively low ranking, incompetent pegasus soldier.”

“What makes you say that?”

"Simple,” Riptide said. “That badge on her chest. The privates in their army where them. What do we do with her?”

"She could take us to Hurricane,” I suggested as I stood up and massaged my head.

“I vote we eat her.”

Arcane looked up at him. “Why would we do that?”

“I haven’t eaten since last week; I get violent when I’m hungry.”

“We are not going to eat her,” I said as I pulled some rope out of my saddlebag. “We’ll just tie her up for a little while and then she can take us to the pegasi.

“You’ll never take me alive!” the pegasus shouted, apparently not fully unconscious. Arcane knocked her on the head, this time with his ironclad hoof. She moaned and fell over unconscious. We tied her up and left her on the ground. We walked a little ways, trying to find some way to take us to Pegasopolis.

“You know,” Riptide commented as he slithered through the snow, “there’s a lot of snow, but not a lot of hail. Why is that?”

I felt compelled to state my mind, so much so that I slipped on a patch of ice because I wasn’t paying attention. “Ow,” I muttered as Arcane helped me up. “Riptide, it’s windigoes who are causing this. They’re spirits of Winter, it’s not surprising that they don’t bring hail.”

“That makes sense, but seriously, what kind of terrifying ice fae don’t bring hail?”

“Winter, not ice,” Arcane grumbled as he walked past the two of us. “Do you think we could get to Pegasopolis before we freeze to death because you guys are arguing about what the windigoes are?”

“Don’t worry too much,” Riptide said calmly. “We just have to find the giant cloud.”

Arcane glanced at the stormy skies. “Yeah, I don’t think we’re going to find Pegasopolis in this weather. Do you think we should just have our prisoner take us to the pegasi?”

Riptide turned to face Arcane. “Fine, but you’re cheating me out of a perfectly good meal. Let’s go wake her up.” He slithered back to our camp, Arcane and I in close pursuit.

When we returned, we wrapped her on the head with a hoof, thankfully not ironclad, until she woke up. She glanced between us and then sighed. “So you three aren’t a nightmare?”

“Nope.”

“Fine, what do you want? My armor? My fortune? My rights to a rank in the army?”

Riptide glanced at the two of us. “Those sound nice. Not sure if she actually has any of those, aside from the armor, but who knows?”

“Of course I have all three,” the pegasus snapped.

Riptide sighed. “I don’t actually care if you have any of those, I don't even care if you're the daughter of Commander Hurricane. Can you just take us up to Pegasopolis? I have some business to attend to.”

“I’d rather die than betray my kingdom to the unicorns. Or whatever you are.”

Riptide waved a hoof at me and Arcane. “Do me a favor and ready a spit.” I blanched, and I expected that Arcane had as well, but the armor hid any reaction my friend had.

The pegasus began to panic. “Alright, alright, I’ll take you to Hurricane.”

Riptide smiled in a way that gave me shivers. “I’m glad we could come to an agreement. Now, would you prefer to take us to her before or after lunch?”

“Before.”

Riptide looked thoroughly disappointed. “Alright. Well, take us to your leader or something.” He untied the pegasus, but left her wings bound. “So, what’s your name?

“The stories always say that you shouldn’t give your name to a kelpie or they’ll put a hex on you.”

Riptide threw his hooves into the air. “Wherever I go, people think that kelpies are out to get them. Why is that?”

“Because you’re a shapeshifting water demon that wants to know the names of everyone in the world?”

“Would you rather I have your name or that I have you in my stomach?”

“I prefer the former option. It’s Pansy.”

As Pansy began to lead us, I ran up to Riptide. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Nope,” Riptide replied. “But it’s certainly going to be entertaining."

Arcane slugged Riptide across the jaw with his hoof. Riptide screamed in pain and slithered away after the pegasus. “That kelpie will be the death of me.”

Author's Note

The original draft had a WoW reference in it. Despite never having played it, I do know who Jaraxxus is. I cut it for obvious reasons.

We're dead. Mostly. Probably.

We're dead. Mostly. Probably.

“It’s off to Pegasopolis,” Riptide said happily. Pansy gave him a dark glance as he slithered on the slippery mountain slope, but he ignored her. The four of us were climbing Mount Manganese, a dormant volcano. Snow and icicles covered it, a sure sign that it was not going to erupt. “Just think, Starswirl,” he turned to face me, “you’ll get to see the heart and soul of the pegasus empire. Few unicorns have ever gotten this privilege.”

“How did a creature as annoying as survive for as long as you have?” Arcane commented.

"I’ve gotten really good at avoiding anything that wants to kill me.”

Arcane rubbed his armored chin. “I suppose that that makes sense. But why do you even make things want to kill you?”

“Can you two stop asking dumb questions?” Pansy snapped from ahead. “I refuse to lead anything stupid into Pegasopolis."

Riptide gave her an evil grin. “If that’s the case you won’t have to worry about a thing; I’ve been the picture of genius back here.” Pansy proceeded to throw an icicle at his head. Riptide grinned and pulled it out of his- surprisingly- wet skin. “You can’t keep a good kelpie down, my friend.”

“Forget it,” Pansy muttered. “At least you’re not going to eat me.”

“Who knows what the future-” Riptide stopped dead in his tracks, causing me to run into his back. “Is that Pegasopolis?” Pansy nodded and Riptide whistled. “You pegasi sure know cloud engineering.”

Pegasopolis stood defiant toward the blizzard. Built from skystone, cloud and other materials, it loomed above us. A bridge connected it to the mountain peak, and pegasi could be seen walking and flying around it. Guards stood at regular intervals on it, carrying spears and just looking cold.

“Wait a minute,” I asked, finally realizing that something was wrong, “how are we going to get up there? It’s make of clouds.”

Pansy smirked. “Oh well. Guess you guys will have to stay here while I head up there."

“It’s partially frozen,” Riptide said. “We can walk on it all we want.”

“Isn’t it slippery?”

“Probably, but you just need to keep your balance. Easy as one, two, three. Now, to the heart of the city to defeat my cousin!” Pansy looked like she wanted to strangle us, but she led us upward into the massive city anyway. Riptide had been right; patches of ice filled parts of the bridge, allowing to to walk across. However, massive spikes jutted out of it as well, spearing Riptide at one point. The kelpie simply pulled himself off of it and continued slithering. I at times, had to ask myself ‘what is that kelpie made of?’ Regardless, we reached the city gate in good time.

At the gate, we were halted by a pair of pegasi in armor. They pointed their spears at us, causing Riptide to back up. “Woah, watch where you’re pointing that thing. You could put someone’s eye out.”

“I’ll point it at anyone who threatens the peace,” the first pegasus said, aiming his spear at me. He was about my height, with a blue coat and a red mane. His armor also looked way nicer than Pansy’s. I squelched all thoughts I had of simply strolling in and taking out Riptide’s cousin. Pegasopolis had way better security than I thought.

“Back up there,” I said, gently pushing his spear away. “I have no intention of threatening the peace. I’m just here to stop an entire war.” This just made the pegasus bring his spear back towards my face.

“How do I know that you aren’t here for an assassination?” I opened my mouth and then closed it again. “Ha,” he said. “You can’t disprove it. Maybe that’s why you’re here: to kill Commander Hurricane. Well, let me be the first to tell you that that won’t be happening.”

Pansy sighed. “Ace, let them through. They’re with me.” Ace opened his mouth to argue, but Pansy interrupted him before he could say anything. “Look, if it makes you feel better, you can come marching with us. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about the kelpie.”

“I have a name, you know,” Riptide hissed. “Riptide is quite a decent name.”

Ace ignored him. “I can’t just leave the gates, who knows what might come through while I’m out.”

"Just come along. I’ll tell Hurricane that you were escorting prisoners. Happy?” Ace muttered something under his breath, but he followed us into Pegasopolis. The city itself was simply massive. Pillars held up temples and forums, while civilians ran around the city, whether playing, arguing or simply chatting. The frozen clouds did make walking something of challenge, but we managed.

“And that’s the Forum,” Riptide said happily as we slithered along, “and that would be the bathhouses. Let me tell you, their hot tubs are phenomenal.” At a certain point during Riptide’s rambling, an icicle was lodged inside his head. The kelpie pulled it out with no problems, but he got the message from whoever had thrown it, and shut up.

By the time we got to the center of the city, I was freezing. My cloak did little to prevent the cold from seeping in and making me feel like a windigo was breathing down my neck. At the center of the city, a massive building stood. It was circular. It was also probably a coliseum. Cheers sounded from inside, and I heard a thud or two. “What’s this place?” I asked.

Pansy raised an eyebrow. “It’s the coliseum. Hurricane’s around here somewhere. She usually does a practice at about at this time. Wonder who she’s fighting this time.” Almost immediately after she said this, an extremely loud cheer went out. Pansy whistled. “She won already.” We watched as Hurricane came out of the coliseum, flying towards a different building.

We stood there for a moment, watching her head towards a rather small building, this one at the end of a long line of houses. “Well? Are we going to follow her or what?”

Pansy bit her lip. “Look, I know that you threatened me and whatnot, but that’s where war councils and whatnot are held. We can’t just stroll in ther-- Hey!” Riptide had begun slithering forward at a pace much quicker than usual. The kelpie grinned like a madman when he glanced at Pansy, but did not heed her. He slithered right into the building, and the three of us ran after him. “I’m so getting fired for this,” Pansy muttered under her breath.

As Riptide slithered inside, we heard followed him in, close on his heels. Once inside, I had to stop and admire the building. No space was wasted. Walls held maps, desks held papers, the tables had war diagrams, everything was organized in an efficient manner. From a room down the main hall, with walls lined with portraits of different pegasi, came voices. One I identified as Riptide, who was arguing about something involving tacos, and the rest I did not recognize, although it was evident that they were angry.

Arcane and I slunk into the room as quietly as we could, using our cloaks to hide our horns. I accidently bumped a pegasus in a set of golden armor on my way in, who gave me a questioning glance. “Got waylaid,” I muttered. The pegasus nodded in understanding. Arcane and I leaned back, and then we enjoyed the show. Riptide had apparently knocked some poor pegasus off the podium in the center of the room and had begun speaking.

“You have a traitor in your midst. I promise you, you will not survive the year if you do not cut out the faulty ones in your number.” A gasp went up through the pegasi. Pansy groaned slightly and Ace looked as though he wanted to vomit. Arcane merely sat there. “I promise you, dark things are coming. I have seen the future. Imagine a world where felt and faeries rain supreme. That is the world that is coming for you if you do not heed my warnings.”

An orange pegasus in the stands decided to interrupt Riptide. She stood up and began speaking in an angry, but surprisingly nice, voice. “Just who do you think you are? We, the pegasi, are not someone to be bossed around. We are a nation of leaders and warriors, and we are not to be trifled with. The other tribes insulted us at the meeting, why should we stay and make peace with them?”

Riptide waved a hoof in the air. “Because, you know, war’s a terrible thing and all that.”

A gasp went out from the pegasi. I put a hoof to my forehead. Riptide, you idiot, I thought to myself, this tribe got to where it was by fighting wars. You might as well have gone and told the earth ponies that democracy about as efficient as making a dragon work at a bank. I had actually tried the latter once. It had failed gloriously.

Hurricane, who I had just noticed sitting in one corner, glanced at the orange pegasus in what looked like wariness. I made a mental note of it and continued enjoy the show.

The pegasus pointed a hoof at Riptide, and I got the distinct impression that she was not to be messed with. “You see? This, this, siren is here, yelling at you in an attempt to convince you that we shouldn’t defend our honor. He even comes in here, thinking that he knows what the mighty pegasi intend to do. Who does he think he is?”

Riptide raised an eyebrow. “Adagio, it’s me. You know, Riptide, the cousin you’re always trying to have executed and avoided by transforming into a pega- You know, I never realized until now just how weird that sounds, all things considered.”

Riptide was promptly dragged off by the guards. I sighed. Arcane simply looked pensive. He kept glancing between the pegasus, Adagio, and Riptide, as if he couldn’t decide what to do. Ace had managed to disappear at this point and Pansy seemed to be enjoying the speehes. I simply sat back and listened the the next pegasus’s speech. Trust me on this, it was boring.

At the very least, Riptide’s prison was nice. They hadn’t chained him up with iron, which I took as a blessing, and they had been kind enough to give him a few things to fiddle with. However, Riptide looked bored to death.

"Riptide,” I said as I came into the prison. “Can you get out?”

Riptide shrugged in his cell as he used a hoof to toss a ball up and down. “Depends on whether or not you’ve got any spells at your disposal and how much time you’ve got. Apparently security in pegasi prisons is terrible.” About one guard was on duty and the only prisoner was Riptide. The guard was even sleeping. They probably just executed most prisoners, which would explain the lack of security.

“What kind of spells? As for time, Arcane’s chatting with your cousin and the rest of the pegasi. He should keep them busy for hours.”

Riptide turned to face me, a look of surprise on his lizard-like muzzle. “Won’t they be able to tell that he’s not a pegasus?”

“Doesn’t matter. He said ‘go rescue Riptide. I’m smart enough to know better.’ He’s wearing a cloak and a hood anyway, so he looks like a member of the inquisition.” Riptide nodded in understanding. “So, what’s the prison cell like in there?”

“Made out of frozen clouds,” Riptide said. “Any other day I could just slide through the walls, but it’s frozen. Hard to flow through it.”

“I thought you were nigh invulnerable. You’ve been stabbed plenty of times before.”

Riptide grimaced. “There’s a difference between getting stabbed and falling into who knows what. I’d prefer to just slip through the bars, but it seems to be the only source of iron aside from those weapons. No clue what their armor was made out of. Almost looked like orichalcum.” So my guess about it being iron was incorrect. Huh.

“So you weren’t hurt?” Riptide shook his head.

“Not severely.” I nodded and tabbed one of the bars with a hoof. A ringing sound could be heard, causing Riptide to wince. “Shush, do you want to alert the whole building?” I shook my head. “Then be quiet.”

“If you’re trying to release the kelpie, just use these.” A pair of keys hit me on the head. Riptide tried to scream, but I shoved my hoof into his mouth. It was painful. Riptide had a lot of canines. Adagio stood in front of us, her mane blowing in what I assumed was meant to be an attractive way. “So, what are you doing with the prisoner?”

“Releasing him."

Adagio shrugged. “It suppose I can’t stop you.” She took the keys off my head and inserted them into the lock. It took me a moment to notice it, but the keys weren’t actually iron. They appeared to be a light blue, although what it could be escaped me.

The door to Riptide’s prison swung wide open. He slithered out in relief. Adagio waved a wing at the pair of us. “There. Now get out of the city.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

"Simple. It’s easier to execute my villain plan when my enemies aren’t three feet from my base of operations.”

“And what is your villain plan?”

Adagio chuckled. “You’re cute. But you’re also stupid if you think I’m going to tell you my plan. Riptide, get out of my city.” The pegasus- or kelpie, going by what Riptide had told me so far- walked out of the room, leaving us standing there. “So… should we just leave?” I asked.

Riptide lay curled on the floor looking confused. “I don’t know. I didn’t really expect my confrontation with my cousin to go this way. She’s usually way more dramatic.”

“How so?”

Riptide waved a hoof around in the air. “She once sang an entire opera about her evil plan. She’s a siren, it’s how she rolls.”

I pondered Riptide’s words for a second. “If you’re a kelpie, than how is it that she’s a-”

He shot me a dark glance. “Can we not go there?”

“Sorry, but I’m not budging until you tell me.”

“But Adagio could have us killed-" He glanced at my expression and decided to change his course. "Fine. So my grandfather on my mother’s side was a kelpie. And he got married to a kelpie who was also a pure blood. But then they gave birth to Adagio’s mother, my father, and my aunt Crescent. My father got married to a pure kelpie, which is why I’m pure kelpie. Adagio’s mother got hooked up with a monster named Brio, who was part leviathan and part labbu. That answer your question?”

“Then how does that make her a siren?”

Riptide shrugged. “I don’t pretend to understand genetics. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.” We stood there in the room for a little while, glancing around at everything.

“You know,” Riptide commented, “I don’t think she’s coming back.” The kelpie began slithering towards where Adagio had left, but found himself with a spear pointed at his face.

“Nice try.” Adagio had come back into the room, this time accompanied by Ace and a sullen looking Arcane, who had had his armor taken away. Adagio had gotten dressed in a suit of armor made from some green metal and wore a helmet with a gold plume. Under one wing she held a scroll, and under the other she clutched what looked like a conch shell. She shoved Arcane towards us. “Ace, escort these three out of the city.”

“Look, Adagio, I answer to Hurricane, not to you. Until she tells me otherwise, I’m not letting the prisoners go.” Adagio grinned and tossed Ace the scroll. The pegasus’s face paled as he unfurled. “Why?”

Adagio patted Ace on the back, avoiding his armor, with a wing. “Don’t feel too bad. It was necessary.”

“I don’t doubt that, but why do it now?”

Riptide waved one of his hooves in front of their faces. “You know, I still exist. We can hear you talking and we know what you’re talking about.”

“We do?” Arcane asked under his breath. Riptide shoved his other hoof into Arcane’s mouth.

Adagio nodded at Riptide. “Thank for reminding me. Now, Ace, since you’ve got your precious orders and all that, please take these three out of the city and place them somewhere they can’t cause trouble.”

“Can’t we just throw them off the city?”

Adagio paused to think about it. “Yeah, that could work. Make sure you do it over something hard. Preferably close to the earth ponies.”

Back to the future.

“This was genius of you two,” Arcane commented. The three of us sat at the edge of Pegasopolis, which lacked guardrails. “Just brilliant. Sure. Walk into the most heavily guarded city in all of the Pegasus Empire. Say, Ace, couldn’t you release us?”

The pegasus shook his head. “Sorry, but orders are orders.”

“But we’re friends,” Riptide whined. “What about all the time we shared?”

“You mean the five minutes that you spent blabbing to me?”

“Well I thought it was magical,” Riptide muttered under his breath.

“Too bad. You were wrong.” Ace began pushing us forward to the edge of the city. Arcane looked like he wanted to slug someone, probably Riptide or me, but lacked the means to do it. The pegasus kept pushing us towards the edge of the city, closer and closer towards the edge.

Then we got pushed off.

It’s a weird sensation, falling towards your death. It’s somewhat comparable to having your eternal soul devoured by a demon. Everything is tingly and rushing past you. In this case, the sky. In previous cases, it was your memories. Don’t worry, I had gotten them back. I just wish the sock puppet hadn’t been so grudging about it. I might have been able to get some more answers out of him.

As we fell, Riptide looked over his hooves. “Hm, got to get that filed.”

Arcane glared at him as we fell towards the ground, which got closer and closer with every passing second. “Could you actually do something, you freaking kelpie?”

Riptide glanced at him and nodded. Immediately, a shimmering bubble surrounded us. Our speed slowed, and we descended far more gracefully. “There. I slowed down time. We’ll still hit the ground with bone shattering impact, it will just take a good deal longer.” Arcane looked at him as if he was insane.

“You idiot, we’re still going to die, aren’t we?”

“You might. As you have already told me, you speak with me in the future, and therefore I cannot die without creating a logical paradox. As such, I am immune to any and all deaths until--.” He glanced at his hoof, then frowned. “Huh. Apparently I’m wanted at a party. Toodles.” With that, he vanished. And reappeared ten seconds later. A cake was clutched in his hooves.

“Well, that was infuriating. I was unable to reach my party, and now I’m back here…” He did a double take, and then started screaming. “Do something! Teleport, time travel, explode, just don’t let us die!”

“Why?” I couldn’t fathom what was up with him.

“Because I just spoke with you guys. In the future! I can die now! Fix it! Can you guys teleport?”

I nodded. “Without a doubt.” I flared my horn and the three of us materialized on the ground below. “Well, that was easy.” Arcane’s right eye, as usual, was twitching like crazy. He held out a hoof and made strangling gestures. I shrugged and walked a few steps forward as I took in the surroundings. There was a lot of snow.

Riptide glanced upwards. “So, where are we?”

“I’m not sure. Somewhere below Pegasopolis, I’m assuming. Then again, I suck at geography, so who knows?”

Riptide nodded. “Fair enough. So, what’s happening now? Do we head towards the nearest settlement? Do we go back to your time? I’m open to suggestions.”

“I don’t know. Maybe we should go get help? Stop Adagio in some way? Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the correct timeline, right?”

"Yes. Anything that has happened will have happened, and we cannot change what has already happened. Therefore, as long as Adagio isn’t ruling in your time period, she hasn’t succeeded.”

That was comforting. “So, let’s just head back to our time period and get help. It shouldn’t be that hard, right?”

“Well, I would have to have a sworn deal with you that you wouldn’t take off after I give you the spell. I can’t just let you guys have the spell for forward time travel for free. That would ruin the kelpie economy and all that.”

“Boys.” The voice made the three of us jump. Celestia stood behind us, her expression one of utmost anger. The alicorn was dressed in battle gear which covered her chest and hooves. Arcane’s grey face went white in three seconds, all color draining to his feet. Riptide panicked, turned around, tried to slither away, but got caught by Celestia’s telekinesis.

I decided to be diplomatic. “Hey… Mom. How’s it going? Glad to see you’re here to help. We’ve got a killer kelpie on the loose, a war on our hands and our way of getting home relies on that kelpie over there.” I pointed at Riptide. “So, could you-”

“Starswirl!” Celestia screamed in anger, her mane actually turning into a blaze of fire. Stupid special effects. “How dare you time travel without telling me! Didn’t I strictly forbid you from time traveling! Do you ever listen? You are so stubborn, bull-headed, idiotic…” She continued to list the reasons for my idiocy in so many different ways that I do not care to repeat. Although they were creative.

After the Princess of the Sun stopped raging at me and started panting Arcane decided to try his luck. “Um, Celestia, if it’s alright with you, could you help us? We’ve got a war on our hands and all that.”

Celestia glared at me some more, but then decided to let it slide for the time being. She stood up. “Alright. I’ll put my anger at you two-” Riptide waved his hoof, probably out of reflex, and Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Make that three. I’ll put it on hold until after we’ve sorted out the problems you three have caused in the cosmos.”

Riptide, who had managed to get behind Equestria’s ruler, tapped her on a shoulder. “Pardon me madam, but there are currently not any actual problems with the cosmos. You see, according to the basic rules of the universe, anything that will happen will have already happened in the current timestream, which means that as long as you are in charge in your current time period, then everything turns out alright in the end. As such, you’re doing just fine. Something will happen to defeat my bloodthirsty cousin, and we’ll all be fine.

“As such, we need only return to the correct time period and go about our lives like normal. To do otherwise would be folly. Besides, do you want to get into a war with anyone right now? The pegasi are marching on the unicorns, and unless you want to get slaughtered, I recommend you head back to your time period.”

The moment he mentioned war, I knew he had said the wrong thing. Celestia’s mane burst into flames, Riptide blanched, and then the three of us were pulled away by a massive burst of magic.

We materialized in the midst of Midnight Castle, Celestia’s mane spinning like a whirlwind. Unicorns stepped away from us, some of them tripping over their legs or tails in attempts to get away from what they must have thought to be demons, gods or something deadly.

Queen Brass, unlike most of her subjects, managed to keep her cool. The unicorn glanced the four of us up and down. “So, Starswirl, care to explain why you brought a member of the forgotten gods into my castle?”

Celestia shook her head. “I’m far from that. Regardless, prepare your defenses. The Junta is marching onto your castle, most likely led by a member of the fae. There’s several thousand coming to destroy you.”

Brass frowned. “What makes you think that it was fae?”

"The fact that I found another one hiding out in Terra. She was influencing Chancellor Puddinghead. I took the liberty of depositing the siren in your dungeon while I was at it.”

Brass’s expression became sick. “Why come to me?”

“The pegasi are coming to destroy you. It’s better to have all your enemies in the same location. There’s most likely a third siren hiding out somewhere in your castle. That, and I believe that Starswirl and Arcane have been on your payroll for the past three or so years. You’re far more likely to listen to someone who knows a friend of yours”

Brass nodded. “He’s served my family well for the past few years. But why come after him now? And is that another siren!?” She had just noticed Riptide, who had slithered off to grab something, and had come back with the grey dragon talon from earlier.

The kelpie glared at her. “Your majesty, I am a kelpie. Sirens are always female, and I am a distant relative to the siren. For your insolence and insulting manner, and I am keeping this claw.” He stuffed it into some unknown bag and then turned to Celestia. “Aria’s truly pissed at you, your majesty. I haven’t seen her this angry since the time I took her to the dawn of time.”

“You’ve been to the dawn of time?” I had to hear what it was like. And, once he told me how old the world was, I would be able to see if for myself. “How many years ago was that?”

“Eh. I don’t really remember. The giant parasprite stole the show.”

“Gentlemen,” Brass said, “can we please discuss the start of this universe until after we handle the impending destruction of my kingdom?”

Arcane frowned. “So, we’re just going to fight to the death?”

Riptide patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. Pretty much everyone in this time was a complete jerk. It’s not the biggest loss in the world. After al-” He was cut off by Brass shoving a sword made of blue metal through his head. He head reformed almost instantly, but he was wise enough not to continue with his sentence.

Celestia shook her head. “Arcane, fear not. The four of us will go after Adagio and stop her from continuing the fight.” Brass raised a hoof, but Celestia shook her head. “No. You’ll have to lead your soldiers and avoid as many casualties as possible.”

It took me a moment, but I finally realized what was off. “What about the third siren?”

“We’ll have to draw her out. Hopefully she won’t be as smart as her counterpart. Took me three leaps into history to actually catch her.”

“Aria? Smart?” Riptide rubbed his chin with a hoof. “Are we thinking about the same siren?” Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a horn sounding a little ways off. “Dangit. Adagio’s here. Well, let’s go kill my cousin.”

“Unfortunately, even that won’t be possible.” Riptide and I each raised an eye in unison. “She shows up some more in the timeline. That, and sirens aren’t killable. That last one managed to survive the sun’s wrath. So, unless you happen to know the secret to killing these things, we’re banishing it.”

“I really don’t know how to kill them. Labbu blood makes everything short of locking them inside a black hole or slamming them into the skull of a very dense individual useless. Arcane, even Starswirl isn’t dense enough.” My friend frowned, but then raised his hoof. “No, even Riptide won’t work. Now, let’s go and stop the pegasi.”

The pegasus army was, simply put, gigantic. They stretched from edge of the horizon to the other, chest deep in the snow, and they were dressed in an assortment of different armor sets. The impression I got from them was like a whole lot of angry rabbits wearing armor. Not sure why, but all the rabbits I had met had been out for blood.

Hurricane stood by the front of the army, her characteristic armor covering her chest. A flag was planted in the ground next to her, where a few of the pegasi I had seen in the war council stood. Adagio was dressed in a set of green armor that had designs similar to fish fins on it, and a sword was strapped to her side. Pansy and Ace stood nearby, both of their expressions one of loathing towards the siren.

I was pulled out of my musing by Riptide. “Starswirl, not all of us have binoculars.” I sighed and passed them to him. He held them to his face and gazed out over the army. “Fascinating. You mean to tell me that Adagio arranged all this?” He finished his examination of the army and passed the binoculars to Arcane, who took them grudgingly. He took his turn looking at Hurricane’s forces.

“So, we’re going up against that?”

Celestia nodded. “Correct. We’re stopping that mad siren before she gets whatever she was after. Starswirl, are you prepared to banish her if need be?” I swallowed the lump in my throat, but I nodded. “Good, because you may very well have to.”

I noticed Hurricane moving towards Adagio, who she spoke with for a few moments. It was far off, and a bit blurry, but Adagio handed something to the pegasus. My eyes widened, and I teleported towards the pegasi leaders. Celestia, realizing moments before I did it what I would do, cursed and grabbed onto my leg. Riptide grinned, grabbed Celestia’s leg and Arcane’s face, and the four of us were pulled along by my idiocy.

We appeared in the midst of Hurricane and her generals. The smart ones fled immediately, rushing to their respective battalions. That left Adagio, Pansy, Ace, Hurricane and one pegasus I didn’t recognize versus the four time travelers. Great odds. Celestia’s magic had melted a ring of snow around us, leaving dead grass to be covered by the snow once again.

Hurricane’s expression was irritated and she lowered the horn she had been holding. “Ah. You’re the ones Pansy mentioned. So, which one of you is the demon and which two are the time travelers?”

“Why does that come up so often?” Riptide grumbled. “Although, fair enough. I’m what you called the demon and they’re the time travelers. We’re here to tell you not to declare war and all that.”

Hurricane set down the horn. “Why should I stop? I’d like to hear this.”

“Because your flag bearer is hellbent on getting you killed.” Celestia used a wing to gesture at Adagio, whose face paled. Adagio glanced between Celestia and Hurricane, trying to gauge their expressions. Hurricane’s was one of mild interest, and Celestia’s was downright furious. “She’s a siren, and she was working with two others of her kind in an attempt to destroy you and the other two tribes.”

Hurricane turned her gaze to Adagio, who was sweating like nobody’s business. “Is it true?” Adagio said nothing. Hurricane turned back to face Celestia. “And can you prove your claims?”

“I suppose we could drag her to the dungeon in Midnight Castle. The other siren down there should recognize her.”

“I’m not walking into anybody’s castle when I have an army camped on their doorstep. Rule number two of war.” I opened my mouth to ask a question, but the pegasus answered me before I could speak. “Rule one is never get caught in a land war in Haysia.”

Celestia nodded to Hurricane’s general. “What if I did a swap? I’ll stay here with your soldiers while you and Adagio accompany these three into the dungeon. I give you my word that I won’t pull any funny business while with your troops.”

The pegasus in gold armor tapped Hurricane on the shoulder. “Hurricane, if I may speak, I think that this might be worth investigating. The other option is us declaring war on both the unicorns and the earth ponies with the possibility of not knowing all the facts.”

Hurricane frowned. “Very well. I’ll see if what you say is true. However, if I do not return, Sentinel will have orders to attack.”

Celestia nodded to Arcane, Riptide and I. “You three. Go prove your point. Oh, and Starswirl, if you don’t come back… Just remember that we’ve got an army on the doorstep, okay?”

Ten minutes later, I was walking through a warzone towards Midnight Castle.

I shivered as Hurricane and Adagio followed me into Midnight Castle. Brass had been less than happy about having a pegasus inside her castle, but when I told her that it could stop the battle, she grudgingly agreed. She also put cuffs and weights on Adagio and Hurricane, so there was that.

The dungeon itself hadn’t changed all that much. The only difference, to my knowledge, was the lack of dragon claw and the fact that there was a seven foot siren sitting in a prison cell. She was purple with aquamarine highlights, and her expression was surly.

The siren barely raised her head off the floor to look at us. “Well? Another round of tormentors? What do you want this time?”

Hurricane pushed Adagio forward. “Do you know this pegasus?”

Adagio’s face had drops of sweat sliding down it, but Hurricane didn’t seem to notice. The siren narrowed her eyes. After what felt like an eternity, she shook her head. “Nope. Never seen her in my life.” Adagio’s face split into a grin as Hurricane turned to glare at us.

Then, out of the blue, the solution to our problem came up. “Adagio! Aria! I’ve missed you two!” Twilight, the blue unicorn I had met a day ago, came rushing down the stairs. “Sis, how have you been? I’ve been doing great work over here. Ponies are so easy to corrupt. I mean, did you know that it takes about three seconds to get the queen here to listen to you?”

Hurricane’s jaw dropped. Adagio’s expression went from triumphant to one of utmost loathing. Riptide fainted. Twilight took one look at us and frowned. “What did I say?”

“Sonata!” Adagio’s scream went on for about five minutes. Then Hurricane grabbed the siren and dragged her back to her armies location. I followed, dragging a kelpie of my own. Arcane hit Aria on the head and joined the train. Twilight, or Sonata I supposed, just followed us.

We dragged the three sirens past Queen Brass, who grinned. “You find the three of them?”

“Why do you think we’re dragging a trio of dangerous beings?” Arcane snapped. “I try to avoid dragging things on a regular basis.” Brass grinned as we dragged the trio out of the castle to Hurricane’s army. When we arrived, we woke the sirens up with a spell.

Adagio cursed at us, but Celestia’s expression was somewhere between smug and satisfied. The alicorn nodded to me, and I lit my horn. A portal to who-knew-where opened up and I gestured with a hoof to the sirens. “Enjoy.”

Adagio scowled. “This isn’t over, you realize.”

I shrugged. “Eh. Given the fact that I’ve shoved over ten thousand different dangerous beings into this dimension, it’s safe to assume that you won’t find a way back.” Celestia raised an eyebrow at my comment, but I mouthed the words ‘not now’ at her, and she held her tongue. “So enjoy the dimension.” Sonata and Aria slithered into it, but I ended up having to push Adagio in.

After I closed the portal, Hurricane gave me a small smile. “Pegasopolis thanks you for your aid.”

“No problem. Happy to save the world and all that.”

“Fair warning for you: I’m not done with the unicorns. I may leave for today, but that doesn’t mean we’re at peace.”

I smiled, knowing full well that she knew nothing of my favorite holiday. “No biggie. It’ll sort itself out in the end.” The pegasus raised an eyebrow, but she signaled for her armies to move out. The pegasi began their long march away.

After they left, I went to Riptide, who was sitting on a snow bank. “Can I have that forward time travel spell now? We did defeat Adagio and all that.”

Riptide shrugged. “Sure. I just… well, I figured that the snow would disappear once you took down my cousin.”

I laughed. “Don’t worry. That’ll be in a year or two.”

“Hm. Well, have fun back home. Oh, and do me a favor.” He whispered his tips into my ear. I felt a smile spreading across my face as he spoke.

“You want me to do all that? Why not just come back and do it yourself?”

“Starswirl, time just doesn’t mean all that much to me. I could no more tell you what century my next excursion is than destroy the world. I just go with the flow.”

“Fair enough.” I left the kelpie sitting on the snow bank as he watched the Junta march away. I would miss him.

I rejoined Celestia and Arcane. “Ready to go?” Celestia asked us.

"Couldn't we stay a bit longer?"

She shook her head. "You've meddled enough with this time period. You know the story. You're not in it."

"Fair enough." I sighed as we were sucked forward in time.

We rematerialized inside my room in Canterlot Castle. Not much had changed. Everything was exactly as we had left it. I went to the window and saw a massive flash of red and green light come from Arcane’s house on the edge of town. So that’s when we were.

Celestia had vanished as well, leaving the two time travel spells with me. Arcane grinned. “Never again. Never again, Starswirl. Next time, let’s just discover the underlying principles of the universe or something. Okay?”

I nodded. “Sure. But where did Celestia go…”

“Who cares? I’m just happy to be home.”

Ten seconds later, Celestia barged into my room. “Starswirl! Why did I just see a light coming from Arcane’s house?”

I smiled sheepishly. “We kinda went back in time for a few years.” Her eye twitched a bit like Arcane’s. I walked over to her and handed her the spells. “Now, you need to go back in time and stop a homicidal group of sirens from destroying the universe. Ciao.” With that, I left the princess standing stunned in my laboratory.

Author's Note

One chapter to go...

We've made history.

Celestia confiscated my spells the moment she got back. Not that it was unsurprising, I just wish she had given me time to copy my spells down as per Riptide’s request. I had reproduced the first half of each, but the rest was up in the air.

I spent the next couple weeks scribbling down possible endings to the spell. None of them seemed to work correctly, but I did get some cool results. “Star-” Arcane was cut off as I activated my newest spell. He froze mid-sentence, his mouth stuck open.

I grinned, walked over, and closed his mouth. He stood there and made no objection. I deactivated the spell and Arcane tried to continue, but was thwarted by his closed mouth. He opened his mouth to ask what the newest spell was, but I froze time again. After several attempts and failures of questioning me, he gave up, and I wrote ‘time stop’ on the whiteboard.

Arcane glanced at the list on the board, which had, as of now, two hundred and seven different spells on it. “Well, we might not recreate our greatest spell, but we sure will go down in history for all these spells.” He tossed me a bottle of cider, which I caught with my magic, opened, and downed in all of ten seconds.

Arcane rubbed his forehead with a hoof. “You know, we could just stop. Celestia doesn’t want us time traveling again, you can’t figure out the last bit of the spell, and I could care less about returning to a less civilized time.”

I shook my head and began modifying the spell. “I made a promise. We need to remake the spell. Besides, I liked time travel.” He sighed and started modifying his copy of the spell half, adding in words and symbols to it.

“Sometime you’ll have to give up,” he muttered under his breath. I didn’t listen to him. I was too busy trying to find a way to time travel once more.

One day I basically gave up. “Arcane,” I said as I sat down in a chair, “I don’t think that I can get the time travel spell recreated. It’s too complicated for my magic, and Riptide isn’t here to give us another copy of that book.”

Then energy began to fill the room. Red and green magic was spiraling from the middle of Arcane’s hut. Then I appeared in a giant flash. Technically, it was me with a white beard. So nowhere near as cool, but still pretty neat.

My future self tossed me a pair of scrolls and a hat with bells and whistles. “Here. Take these. You’re going to need them.”

Arcane frowned. “Why are you here, exactly? And for that matter, who are you?”

“I’m future Starswirl. There’s an epic pony war in the very distant future involving lots of different races. You get axed off and Riptide defects to the opposing team. Now, you need to take this scroll and just fix history in some way, shape or form.” Then he vanished.

Arcane and I stood there for a few moments, pondering my future self’s words. Then those moments turned into minutes, which turned into hours. Eventually, I decided to take action. “You think that we should do something?”

Arcane nodded. “Yeah. Might as well find Riptide while you’re at it. Keep your friends close, but your possible-timeline-changing-kelpie-frenemies closer. Any chance we could just rent a places in Vanhoover and avoid all this?”

“Doubt it. Anyway, Riptide!”

The kelpie appeared in a flash, positioning himself on Arcane’s couch, a wet toothpick in his canines. “You called?”
“Yeah. We’ve got history to wreck due to an evil you in the very far future. You ready?” I gave Riptide barely a moment, but then we were sucked away into history. Pro-tip for the young: don’t listen to prank calls from your future self. Mkay?

How bad could it be?

“You know,” I said to myself, “it’s great to have another genius to talk to, if only for a short while.” My other self, who was sitting across the table from me, nodded.

“Agreed. It gets so lonely without other geniuses to talk to.” He sipped from a mug for a little bit, then passed me a sheet of paper.

"What’s this? I mean, you’re a genius like me and all, so I expect you have a reason for giving me a list of psychiatric exercises, but what is it?”

He winked at me. “It’s top secret, for your eyes only. It’s the time travel spell that I used to get here and have a chat with you.” I felt my eyes widen, and he grinned. “Yup, it’s that thing. Now, I have a favor to ask you.” He took another long sip of his mug. I could see why my future self would have liked it. The Rusty Mug was the best bar in all of Canterlot, and the drinks they served there were phenomenal.

“What favor is that?”

“In my past, your present, I come into the past to give you this spell. You are to use it in order to come into the past, at three o’clock in the afternoon, a week from now. That way, you will be able to give yourself the spell recipe and tell yourself to come into the past.”

I nodded. “Of course, I can do that.”

“Wrong. You will do it,” my future self said. Little shocks of lightning were traveling over his body, and he seemed to be talking a bit quicker.

“Fair point. Why are you flickering, out of curiosity?”

He looked down at himself, then grimaced. “Rats, my time’s up. Well, past me,” he said, “it was nice talking to you. Don’t forget: when you’re me, bring the spell back to yourself.” I nodded, and he vanished in a flash of light.

“Well. That was quite the experience,” I remarked as I headed to get another drink.

“Starswirl,” Celestia asked me two weeks later, “What are you working on?”

“Time travel,” I responded as I worked my way through the little room I called home. Admittedly, it wasn’t so much little as it was cluttered. I’d had papers and test tubes throughout the place, each filled with parts of my wondrous experiments. As Celestia stood by and watched, I grabbed a blank parchment and started scribbling.

“But you’ve already done time travel, haven’t you? That’s why I’m assuming I saw you in two places at once, anyway.”

“Oh,” I said, grinning. “You saw that?” I finished writing down on the parchment, then headed over to the shelves where all my research notes were held. I shelved it next to my other scrolls of no importance, and then grabbed another and began correcting things on it.

“Yes. Why were both of you at the bar, may I ask?” Celestia’s tone held a note of disapproval, as if she didn’t agree with the fact that I had used great discoveries in order to see what would happen if I had a toast with myself. Admittedly, when I had gone back to give myself the spell, I had also had a great desire to see what would happen if I toasted someone, then drank a lot, in two places at once.

“Stuff involving temporal anomalies and hangovers.” Celestia blinked at that comment.

“What were you doing that involved temporal anomalies and hangovers?”

Oops. I had expected that she had already figured that out, considering that she had seen both of me at the Rusty Mug. “Anyway,” I said, hoping to steer the conversation away from hangovers in the space-time continuum, “that was just a minor spell. Works only once per pony. I want to try my hand at something multi-use.”

“Why do you want to make a multi-use spell for time travel? I assume you’ve got a reason for it, albeit a ridiculous one, but what is it?”

I shrugged. “Eh, this and that. Mainly for research. I mean, imagine if one could go and view any event in the history of the world? It would answer multitudes of questions, such as 'why do ponies not have two heads' and 'why are unicorns able to make spells that turn things into oranges'.”

"I have two questions. One: what is this?" She tapped one of my more questionable phials that was sitting on a table, and I smacked her hoof away.

"Please, don't touch that. I've gotten in enough trouble for it already."

She raised an eyebrow at it, but avoided steering into that territory. She might have been the princess, she might have been dedicated, but she sure wasn't willing to discuss my compounds. Go figure. “And two, do you really think that the world needs to know the answer to those questions?” Celestia asked. I assumed that she had no desire to know why she didn’t possess another brain. It was a shame, but there was no helping the ones who felt that one head was better than two.

“Of course I do,” I replied. “I mean, what will the world do if I die before I finish my research?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “You’re only twenty; it’s not like you’re hurting in the aging department. Besides, didn’t lots of other scientists die before they finished their work?”

“That’s because they were all idiots,” I said calmly, and I meant it. I mean, what kind of silly pony died before figuring out the secrets of the universe? It was pure idiocy to leave the earth before you had figured everything out! I mean, my good friend, Never Quits, once brought himself back from the dead as a zombie in order to finish his beloved research. Of course, he did end up terrorizing and taking over a country in the process, but as I always say, ‘For Science!’ I had recently received a letter from Never Quits about a week ago, saying how he had been put back to rest by a crusader, only to come back the day after. You couldn’t stop the dedicated, after all.

“Starswirl,” Celestia said, “dying before finishing something isn’t something stupid, it’s doing something natural. I mean, look at all the famous artists and novelists who died and left behind things that critics love and admire. It’s silly, I know, but it’s not like it doesn’t happen a lot.”

"But my spell would fix that. Could you imagine if you could go and talk to the most famous leaders and innovators, if only for a day or two? Like if you could chat with Commander Hurricane about how she led her empire or talk with your great grandson and ask him what the future was like?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Starswirl, I may not be learned in time travel myself, but I’m pretty sure that you’re aren’t supposed to go to the past, as you could mess something up. Do you really think that this endeavor won’t risk the fate of history?”

“Screw history, it’s overrated. Besides, I already went into the past to tell myself how to cast my original time travel spell, so how bad could it be if I went further back in time? It’s not like I’ll end up breaking the fabric of the universe.”

“Starswirl,” Celestia grumbled. “You’re going to get into trouble with this spell, I just know it.”

“No I’m not,” I said cheerily. “The odds of me causing major harm are about as likely as Discord breaking free of his stone prison.”

“I still don’t like this,” Celestia said wearily. Arguing would wear her down, apparently. I made a mental note of that fact for the next time she reprimanded me for dabbling in dark magic. Okay, it wasn’t exactly dabbling. How was I to know that demons didn’t like to be reprimanded?

“Don’t worry,” I said, waving her away with one hoof. “I’ll be careful this time, I promise. I won’t summon up any major fiends from Tartarus, I won’t try to raise the dead, and I won’t use the amniomorphic spell this time around, I promise.”

She turned to go, and I almost thought that I had achieved victory. However, at the door, she glanced back. “What about conjuring up minor fiends from Tartarus? Do you promise not to do that?”

Rats. I had been hoping that she would forget that Tartarus wasn't only for the major league bad guys, but also for some minor league ones. She had got me there. “Fine,” I grumbled. “I won’t summon anything that resides in Tartarus.”

“And anything else that might cause trouble for Equestria, you included?”

“Alright, I will not summon any familiars, ghosts, deceased beings, demons or dragons. I will also avoid summoning anything that I personally created. Happy?”

“No, but I know I can’t get anything better out of you, so I’m going to let you continue with your research. However, when you finish this spell, please let me know. I don’t want you doing anything rash. Remember, do not use the spell without me here, or I will skin you alive. I've got the meeting with the dignitaries in two days, and I can't have you doing anything risky." With that, she left my room and closed the door behind her.

I blinked. It wasn’t every day that Celestia straight up told me avoid doing something or bad things would happen. Normally, she would just tell me not to do something, I would do it, and then we would have a good long talk about ethics and how actions had repercussions. I never listened to half of them, but I nodded my head all the same, if only to please her. She was my ruler, after all.

I then decided it was time to get cracking. I grabbed my wallet off of a shelf. It was never very full, as most of my spare cash went to research, but I always saved a little for situations like this, where I needed to bribe someone else to summon something for me. Who said I couldn’t be smart?

“Let me get this straight,” Arcane Convoker grumbled. He was a grey unicorn with a short black mane. He was a friend of mine, and he was always willing to help me out when I needed a favor, provided that I was willing to pay him. I figured that, considering all the stunts I had pulled, it wasn’t that bad an idea. “You’re going to summon up a kelpie-”

“Not me,” I interrupted. “This is the important part. You are going to summon a kelpie with my help, then we are going to interrogate it.”

“Celestia told you not to do this, didn’t she?”

I shook my head. “Of course not. She said that I was not allowed to summon a kelpie. She made no specifications about me helping a friend summon a kelpie.”

“You’re trying to find a loophole again,." he moaned. “Why do I always get dragged into it when you’re the one doing the mad research?”

“Don’t worry,” I said reassuringly. “This is nowhere near as dangerous as the time when we tried to summon that demon. And it’s not like it’s going to try to turn us into its slaves, like that lich did.”

“Still not doing it.”

“Come on, didn’t I help you that time you wanted to figure out what happened if you tried to keep a dragon and a demon in the same circle of containment?”

“Okay,” Arcane said. “That was totally different. At the very least, there were two very powerful, very nasty beings in the same room. There wasn’t even anything to clean up when we were done, either. How do I know that this kelpie stunt will be a safe endeavor?”

“You don’t. You just have to hope that my paying you will be enough to cover any and all damages done by the monster you summon.”

“For the last time, Starswirl, why do you think I’m willing to go along with this?”

“Because,” I said reasonably, “friends help friends. I helped you out with of your crazy stunts--”

“More like made them crazier,” Arcane muttered.

“And you help me out with my less crazy stunts,” I continued, ignoring his comment. He rolled his eyes, but I took no notice. “So, what do you say?” He gave me a pleading look. “No way am I giving up on this.”

“Fine. What type of spell are we doing?” I pulled out a sheet of parchment that had been sitting on my ‘of no importance’ shelf for ages and showed it to him. He groaned. “Not one of these. Last time we tried one of these, you ended up burning up half my garden!”

“That was just a flux from magical buildup. I give you a hundred percent guarantee that this summoning ritual will not fail.”

“You promise?”

“Of course. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen with this simple thing?”

He glared at me. “With you, plenty of things. Why do you want me to summon you a kelpie, anyway? I’m risking life and limb for this, so I’d like to know why you want a kelpie, of all things.”

“You aren’t risking your limbs. Kelpies simply drown you. Anyway, I want to summon a kelpie because, as creatures of the sea, they have extensive knowledge of how volatile substances function. With this knowledge, I will be able to use it to form a sympathetic link with things involving high levels of Cronos magic, as it operates on its own levels--”

“Don’t give me the whole scientific explanation. Just give me a five word answer as to why you want to summon a seapony.”

“I want it for research.”

“Not exactly what I was hoping for. Could you give me a bit more detailed answer?”

I nodded. “Of course. Basically, I want it to tell me all the wonky things involving magic that is constantly changing.”

"Thank you, that makes a lot more sense. Alright, let’s get this doomed endeavor going.”