Twilight Sparkle Fucks the Featured box

by Tittyhawk

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Crossover, Human, Romance
Length: 2040

Too meta for you to handle.

This is so fucking meta, I don't even need to be cute with a stupid acronym.

This is a fic parodying a "story" that never should have made it past moderation. This fic is, in my opinion, about as well framed as the other one.

Fave this and I will hate you.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-15 09:04:01 UTC

Chapter 1

"Oh my god! Take it! Take it!" the purple unicorn who is totally Twilight Sparkle and not just a pony name stuck onto the author's avatar yelled. "Take my literature! You dirty, dirty feature box. I will ruin you!"

Twilight turned towards the writer. "What the hay is this? I don't act like that at all!"

Then Twilight's penis became lodged in the 5th spot.

"What!? I'm a mare!"

Not today you're not. See, it's an extended metaphor for poorly framed meta-fiction. Everybody fucking loves this garbage, so you're going to fuck that featured box silly.

"Can't you at least attempt to frame this as a story? I mean, Cold in Gardez did and that was hilarious!" Twilight blushed as she remembered reading her romance story aloud. Why she was embarrassed about reading smut in public escaped the author, because she was currently balls deep in Knighty's HTML.

"That doesn't even make any sense."

It doesn't have to. This is meta-fiction. I can do whatever I bloody damn well please.

The featured box (see "box" equals "vagina"; I told you it was metaphorific) moaned-

"How–"

Shut up. Meta.

The featured box moaned as Twilight pumped in an out of it. Clop was popular on FimFic today, and meta was too. Maybe now people would love her.

"Nopony could possibly love this."

IT'S META! Stop pointing out how stupid it is and just fucking go with the flow. Celestia's sunny cheeks Twilight. It's like you care about be presented in character or something.

"You know that other fic wasn't usingactual sex, right?"

Yes. I am aware. He wanted to whore himself out to EqD. They don't post sex, but they do post drivel.

"Don't you want this to be popular too?"

Hell no. Anypony who faves this is getting blocked (not an idle threat).

Anyway, back to you, pony who is totally Twilight and not a strawpony, fucking the featured box.

Oh look! Somepony read this. I guess that's like, um, the box tightening on your quivering member or something. Yeah, we'll go with that. Sex is funny, right?

"You know, this is really immature. You could just make a blog post, like Absolute did, about how stupid the featured box is."

It's not stupid Twilight, it's sexy. At least, Twilight found it to be.

"Oh damn, Featured Box!" Twilight yells–

"Tense slip."

Fuck you, Twilight, it's meta. It doesn't have to make sense.

"It's still wrong."

Fine.

"Oh damn, Featured Box!" Twilight yelled because this is past tense. "Your nether lips are sucking my cock so well!"

"Oh Stars and Moon, that is the worst description of sex I've ever read. 'Nether lips?' Do you have any idea how unerotic that sounds?"

It's meta. Deal with it. Dot jay pee gee.

"Why did you-"

Because Fimfic requires one thousand (and one; off by one errors are fun) words to be postable now.

"What are you at?"

Not counting this? Five hundred and twelve.

"What if you counted everything?"

Twilight, do I look like the XKCD guy? Recursive humor belongs to him. Also, I made a non-pony reference, look how edgy and relevant I am.

Anonymous User 1172 said, "It's terrible, but I am actually getting a sick sort of amusement from this."

Good, it's not supposed to be good, it's supposed to be META!

"How is that?"

How should I bloody know? I'm writing this in a room full of screaming children jumping on bounce houses.

"Celestia won't let me play in bounce–"

Finish that reference and I'm writing you into a Flim Flam clopfic.

Anyway, back to my satire through extended metaphor.

Every time a fave or thumbs up comes in, Twilight cums a little. Not that is is remotely possible according to basic physiology, but this is a meta-fic; I don't have to actually pay attention to anything other than the commentary I'm trying to make.

"Don't you have real stories you should be writing?" Twilight asked. Because it was tagged with dialogue, she also helped the author get close to completing his second fimfic troll fic.

Yes I do. See the comment about screaming children and bounce houses.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh," Twilight yelled as one of the writers the author actually respects liked this work and found a sick sort of humor in it.

To randomly aside again, I'm not sure what breaking the fifth wall would entail. Presumably Pinkie Pie could answer that, but she's too busy teaching Rainbow Dash how to play adult hide and seek.

"Is that another sexual reference?"

Yes. Yes it is. Look! I quoted Phineas! Crossover tag!

Twilight moaned in ecstasy as yet another small number of viewers were intrigued by the presence of a crossover tag. Her balls twitched and she began to close in on her peek.

"Could you at least use 'he'? This is just fucked up."

Don't swear, Twilight. It's out of character.

"You're actually worried about that at all?"

No.

"Luna's moon!" Twilight was totally an ass girl; Look it up, it's canon. She loves a good plot.

The author smugly checked off yet another thing on the list of things never to do in pony fiction.

"I think I prefer Pinkie's slash fiction. It's at least cute and slightly hot."

Shut up. For the next seventy words or so, you're mine. You can go back to meaningful fiction later. Right now, you're too busy being meta.

"What the hell does that even mean?"

It means this fic isn't a story. It's an opinion piece wrapped up in the trappings of a story so I can pretend it's anything other than a blog post with double quotes and a "she said" tacked onto the end. Not that it can't be done right, several people have, but I decided not to even bother with the attempt. Now I've exceeded 1000 words, I should probably stop.

"Thank Celestia."

At the mention of the alicorn ruler and her surrogate mother, Twilight came.

"I fucking hate you."

I do too, Twilight.

Guest Chapter

So then the great trollficer Argembarger gave me some words. I am posting them as chapter two w/o reading them. Because I have contempt for all readers.

Spike walked up to the podium where the sexy Prereader Coalition of Reading Pre sat, looking down at the vast expanse of bullshit fanfictions. He looks like this in case you didn’t know what Spike looked like:

“Hello my prereader friends I have brought a fanfiction for you that I want you to read because it’s the best thing I’ve ever written I spent months and months on it, writing it and perfecting it and I hope it’s good enough for your discerning eyes and if it isn’t can you please give me a full review of the entire story pointing out every single mistake? You owe it to me I am entitled god damnit” Spike said.

The Prereader Coalition of Reading Pre stroked its noble beard and said “monz lol”

Spike went “NO!” just like in the owl episode and it looked like this:[img] http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg78/evalana/blog%202/mlpfim_ep1920.png[/img]

The Prereaderman said “You have used up your first strike… or should I say, your first SPIKE??”

Spike groaned and exploded when Pinkie Pie burst out of his chest with her really real canon teleportation powers.

“Hi mister!” Pinkie Pie said.

“Aw, it’s my favorite pony Pinkie Pie!” the Prereader Group of Fanfiction-Sex said, “Hey Pinkie Pie! I’m your biggest fan!”

“I know.” Pinkie Pie advanced on the Prereader Equalgroup of Not Interested Supermen, blade raised high. “I’m here to end it all.”

The Prereaders dodged with lightning quick maneuvers! Pinkie Pie lashed out with shining honor-blade and struck only air! Punch! Whack! Thwap! They fought like bloodied bandits for over twenty years. Everything was on fire or dead. Only Pinkie Pie and the Prereadering Doops stood remaining and alive.

“Stop!” They heard a voice yell ‘Stop!”. “Stop, please!” It was the Readership. The Readerbase. The Reading Rainbow.

“Please don’t fight! I need both of you in my life. I need Pinkie Pie to be so random and I need the Prereaders to keep fanfictions from making Pinkie Pie kill Rainbow Dash!”

“We know, babe,” Pinkie Pie said, “I’d much rather make out with Rainbow Dash than kill her, anyway.”

Spike walked up. “What’s going on here, guys?” They told him to shut up and go away.

Wow this is the best chapter of all time. I’m so good at writing guest chapters. Maybe if I do a good enough job, this fic will really get featured and then people will know that I, Argembarger, am a prolific writer and they will want to watch me and look at my stuff. I would be so happy if a bunch of random strangers clicked on my name and went to my page and followed my silly goofy antics that everyone loves. Man, everything about me is just so endearing and great. I am a good writing-person.

Anyway sorry for that interruption, Reader, back to the story!

You were there too. Yes, you! You were in Equestria! And you saw the fighting go down but you didn’t do anything because you suck.

You decide to leave Pinkie Pie and the PreReadingReaders alone and go exploring! You walk up a hill and see some more hills. You flip a coin to decide which hill to walk up and you choose the left one. Beyond that hill is a forest. The Everfree Forest, you’d wager, because there are no other forests. You enter the Everfree Forest like a badass and you find the river where Stephen Magnet is! Hooray! Stephen Magnet is your favorite character in the whole show. He comes up from the river’s surface and says “Hello there person, I am your favorite character Stephen Magnet and I am here to eat you!”

You’re so into vore that you let Stephen Magnet eat you.

You slide down his throat and into his gullet and you meet Snips and Snails! Oh boy, Snips and Snails are your favorite characters in the whole show. You high five both of them and they smile at you and go “Gee whiz, it’s a human being!” except you weren’t a human being because you got turned into a pony for no explicable reason when you entered Equestria. “Oh boy, a pony! A fellow pony just like us!”

You enjoy hours of exciting adventures in Stephen Magnet’s innards before he poops you out, whole and happy, in a pleasant meadow of flowers. You see Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy. That’s all the ponies! Because you saw Pinkie Pie earlier, you have now met every single My Little Pony pony and you can finally die happy.

You reach inside yourself and pull out your biological flux capacitor. You hear a swhooshing sound as you get zorped back into the Real World.

You will never ever forget the wonderful adventures you had in Equestria. So much fun cannot be compared to any earthly delights. You slip under your covers and dream of My Little Pony.

Here is what your dream is like:

You’re in Equestria, writing a fanfiction. You’re a Dragon and your name is Spike. You serve Twilight Sparkle a whole bunch, writing letters for her and cleaning up messes and such, but now you want to write Fiction! Fan Fiction! The only problem is, you need readers, and the readerbase is protected by the vicious guardian Pre Reader. You give your Fan Fiction to the Pre Reader, and he judges it acceptable. Barely.

Out runs the beautiful maiden Reader Base. You slip your tongue into her mouth and move it all around. She slaps you in the face for being too forward and you wake up.

Ah well, you say. So much for your BETTER life in Equestria. Time to go back to your boring-ass real life life. You get on your computer and boot up your Desktop Ponies and get on Derpy News Network and start reading about all the things that happened. You look at images of ponies. You read fanfictions of ponies. You do this until the day you shuffle off your mortal coil. Pony pulls the swaggin’.