Princess for a Month

by Zulaq

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2509

When Celestia offers to let Twilight rule Equestria for a month, Twilight panics. When Twilight panics, she starts throwing out really, really, stupid ideas. Unfortuantely for the three of them (and Equestria), Luna likes Twilight's very stupid idea.

When Celestia needs to take a month long break in order to acclimate her sister to modern times, she offers the place of Regent to the one she feels most qualified to handle the duties, her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

Unfortunately, Twilight doesn't thing she's qualified, and in her ensuing panic she suggests they put an ad in the paper, as if being Regent were any other job.

It was a stupid idea, but when Princess Luna jumps on it, the three of them become a panel of judges as the most qualified (or least qualified, they weren't very specific) ponies in Equestria try to convince them that they're the right ponies for the throne. Watch as Twilight quizzes prospective rulers with bits of historical trivia, Luna witness the insanity that is modern Equestria, and Celestia almost tear her mane out in a moments of pure frustration.

Published 2015-04-29 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-29 01:10:01 UTC

In Which A (Very) Stupid Idea Is Formed

Twilight Sparkle hesitantly knocked on the door that the servant had showed her to. “Princess?” she asked cautiously through the door.

The door opened revealing Princess Celestia in her full glory. Behind her was a tea room, with comfortable overstuffed couches and a coffee table artfully arranged around a fireplace. “Ah, Twilight, I’m glad you came so quickly.” She stepped aside so that Twilight could enter the room. And as soon as Twilight did, she noticed the presence of Princess Luna.

“Your Highesses,” Twilight bowed to them.

But Celestia just chuckled slightly, “No need for-”

But before she can finish her sister cuts her off, loudly. “YOU NEEDST NOT BOW LADY SPARKLE. YOU HAVE DONE US A GREAT SERVICE AND WE ARE IN YOUR DEBT.”

Celestia’s smile slipped slightly while Twilight tried to recover her hearing. “Now, sister, you do not need to use the Royal Voice while we are in private with my student. Indeed, this is a private conversation, so we need not let the servants hear our every word. And it is most rude to poor Twilight here.”

“WE UND-“ Luna starts, before cutting herself off and then continuing in a quieter voice, “I understand, dear sister. I apologize for the inconvenience Lady Sparkle.”

“Uh…No problem?” Twilight replied uncertainly. This was not quite what she was expecting when she received a letter from her teacher asking her to come to Canterlot. “And-Um. I’m just Twilight, I’m not a lady or anything.”

Luna starts at that, “Verily? What has’t mine sister elevated you to the peerage? Such services you rendered in defeating mine alter ego deservth nothing less.”

Celestia just smiled serenely. “Now sister, I already have plans for young Twilight here. She shall most definitely receive the reward she deserves.”

“I will?” Twilight questioned, not understanding what she meant.

“Oh, no worries dear,” Celestia assured her, “It’s something I’m sure you’ll enjoy, and in fact related to what I wanted to see you about.” She lies down on one of the couches, and motions for Twilight to do the same.

Twilight sits down, but is still insanely interested in what the Princess meant. “If you don’t mind my asking; what is this meeting about?”

“Ah,” Celestia sipped some tea, “Well, you see, my sister is a bit behind the times.” Princess Luna looked down, and did not try to correct her sister. “This is completely understandable given her absence, and for the past year I’ve had the best tutors in Equestria trying to aid her in acclimating. But her reeducation has reached a point where she can progress no further from her current tutors.”

And Twilight suddenly knew what this meeting was about. “And you want me to pick up where they left off right? I’m so honored, Princess! Of course I’ll help. Oh, there just so much I can teach Princess Luna! Just to think, she’s missed out on all the magic advances of the past thousand years and we have so much to catch up on! I’ve got to get a list together and-and-and…” She trails off as she notices both princesses staring at her, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence.

Celestia’s cough interrupts the silence. “Well, yes, that would be an excellent idea Twilight, but I’m afraid I’ve already chosen her next tutor, myself.”

Twilight shrank in on herself in embarrassment.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about taking my place for a month while I focus entirely on teaching my sister.”

“WHAT!” Twilight panicked, “You’re the Princess! I can’t replace you! I could never even come close! I can’t rule Equestria, everybody will hate me and-“

“-And I’m sure you’ll be able to do a wonderful job” Celestia interrupted smoothly, “I would trust the job to no one else.”

“But- I can’t!” Twilight wailed, “I’m sure to mess up and everypony will blame me, and you’ll get mad, and I’ll go back to magic kindergarten! Surely there must be someone else who can do it!”

“You would not be doing it all alone,” Celestia reassured her student, “I will still be raising the sun, and Luna the moon, and you’ll have a bevy of advisors who can help you pick the best course of action in any situation.”

“Well, why not hire one of them!”

“This is not a position I can just advertise like any other job.” Celestia stated evenly, “I need a pony of impeccable moral character, familiar with law and able bodied.”

Twilight however continued panicking. “I’ll mess up! You can’t let me do it-“ And then the first part of Celestia’s statement sank in, and Twilight’s mind latched onto it like a life-preserver. “Why can’t we advertise it like any other job?”

“Being ruler of a country, even one like Equestria is difficult, I would not entrust it to just anypony.” Celestia protested.

But her sister interrupts her before she can continue, “Hold sister, I do believe that young Twilight has had a most ingenious idea.”

“What?” Celestia questioned flatly.

“While I am certain that young Twilight here,” Luna nodded to Twilight, “Is most qualified for the position, wouldn’st it be also advantageous to us to know of other ponies who may meet the needs of the throne?”

“But-“

Celestia couldn’t get a word in, as Luna fully turns to Twilight. “Tell me, Twilight; how does a pony ‘advertise’ a job in this era?”

“Uhh.” Twilight was stunned by the turn of events, “You place an ad in the newspaper listing the qualifications, then ponies who meet the qualifications submit an application. If an employer likes the application, then they’ll arrange an interview, and if they like the pony based on the interview, they’ll hire them.”

Luna nods at the explanation, “That soundth most sensible. We shall place an ad in the newspaper post haste.” With that, Luna got up and left the room.

“But-“ Celestia protested, too late.

“Don’t worry, Princess,” Twilight assured her, “I’m sure that we’ll find plenty of qualified ponies who can hold the throne for a month. Nothing will go wrong!”

Author's Note

This fic will be deliberately ambiguous about when it takes place.

In Which A Mayor Doesn't Know What She's Getting Into

One Week Later

Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle were sitting behind a table in what would normally be the audience hall of the castle. Twilight had a clipboard with a number of papers attached, and a pen in her telekinetic grip. Luna was smiling serenely, while Celestia frowned ever so slightly.

“Are you certain that this is a good idea, sister?” Celestia asked Luna for the umpteenth time since she and Twilight had decided on the current course of action.

“Most certain, dear sister!” Luna assured her, “It t’would be most useful for Us to know of the most qualified ponies in the realm, and it allowth our subjects to approach us not as their monarchs, but their potential employers.”

“There’s a difference?” Celestia questioned under her breath.

“Now, now, Princess” Twilight spoke reassuringly, “I’ve got a list of questions here which will easily let us determine who is the most qualified pony to assume the throne during your sabbatical.” She pulls out a list which folds out, and out, and out, dropping to the floor and still going on for a couple of feet.

Celestia winces a bit, “Are you sure that that many questions are necessary, Twilight?”

“It’s only three hundred questions,” Twilight replied, not noticing her wince, “I’m sure that anypony qualified for the throne will have no problem with answering any of them.”

Luna picks up the list and peers at it crosseyed, “Pray tell me, Twilight, what does the color of Starswirl the Bearded’s robes have to do with being a just and fair ruler?”

“What?” Twilight asked, genuinely confused, “Knowing history is very important to forming current policies, you must know where you’ve been to know where you’re going after all.”

“And knowing the particular color of a long dead pony will show that they know history?” Celestia asked sarcastically.

Twilight completely missed the sarcasm. “Of course!” She replied enthusiastically, “It’s not like I’m asking hard questions, just something which anypony who’s seriously studied history would know.”

Before Celestia could respond by calling the whole thing off, the three of them are interrupted by the arrival of Twilight’s brother, Shining Armor. “Your Highesses,” He bowed, “Twily. The applicants are here and ready to be shown in whenever you wish.”

“Thanks Shiny!” Twilight looked at the two princesses. Luna looked happy and ready to begin, but Celestia had a mildly worried (or was that constipated) look on her face.

Luna smiled at the captain of the guard, “I do believe that We are ready. Show the first pony in.”

“As you wish,” Shining Armor stepped out of the room.

Shining Armor returned, ushering in a brown mare, with graying hair and glasses. She bowed before the panel of ponies. “Your Highesses, Twilight Sparkle, thank you for giving me this opportunity.”

Twilight referred to her list, the spoke first, “Mayor Mare, I’m glad you came.”

Luna nodded, “Indeed, ‘tis our greatest pleasure to meet the Mayor of Ponyville.”

Celestia stayed silent.

“If you give me a moment, I’ll begin with our pre-arranged questions.” Twilight referred to her long list. “First off, why don’t you tell us why you believe that you are qualified for the position of ruling Equestria, even if it’s only for a month?”

Mayor Mare laughed, “It simply cannot be more difficult than being Mayor of Ponyville.”

Celestia looked interested, “Would you care to expand on that?”

“Well the way I see it,” the mayor explained, “If I can handle the aftermath of a Parasprite infestation, Ursa attack, rabbit stampede or mind-control dolls, while still keeping Ponyville’s place as the friendliest town in Equestria, I can handle the country for a month.”

“I see…” Celestia spoke in a way that made it quite clear she didn’t see at all. “Do you believe that you can handle the paperwork in addition to your normal workload?”

“Paperwork?” Mayor Mare asked confused, “What paperwork?”

“The paperwork required to rule a country the size of Equestria, of course,” Celestia replied easily, “I easily go through thousands of forms before lunch, and easily double that before dinner. Do you believe you can handle it?”

“Ah…” Mayor Mare looked at the panel in disbelief, “Excuse me a moment.” She walks out of the room into the hallway. She does not return.

Instead five minutes later Shining Armor steps in. “Ms. Mare would like me to inform you that she is current indisposed, and would like to rescind her job application.”

Twilight blinked, “Did she give a reason?”

“Yes,” Shining answered, “She was gibbering something about chaos gods of paperwork.”

“Ah.”

“Would you like me to send in the next applicant?” Shining Armor asked helpfully.

In Which A Prince Doesn't Know When to Stay Quiet

“Presenting, Prince Blueblood.” Shining Armor introduced the white coated stallion entering the room behind him.

“Auntie,” Blueblood bowed, “It is a pleasure to be here.” He frowns, “Although I am uncertain just why you’ve decided to advertise the job, but I am here to present myself as the most qualified pony for the position.”

“Eh, yes,” Celestia coughed politely, “It was a most unusual decision to place the job on the open market, but after the first pony I asked,” she glared at Twilight, who pursuing her notes, didn’t notice, “turned me down, my sister persuaded me to take this course of action. In spite of the many hours it will take to get through the many candidate present.”

“Well, you need look no further,” Blueblood assured her, “For I my ancestry and current position, if I may presume to say, make me the most qualified candidate by an overwhelming margin.”

“I see.” Celestia turns to Twilight, “You should probably start you questions now.”

Twilight cleared her throat, “Well, we appear to have already covered the first question, so I’ll move on to number two. What are your main goals to accomplish while ruling Equestria for a month, and how would you accomplish them?” Twilight looks crosseyed at her list for a moment, “That’s two questions! I know I told Spike to write them down as two!”

Luna gently patted Twilight on the back, “Worry not my friend, ‘tis a most insightful question anyway.”

Blueblood considers the question for a moment, before standing up straight and answering, “I have three main goals while Regent. One, a reconsideration of our diplomatic ties. Two, a program to reform the press. And three, reforms to the nobility.”

Luna nods, “Those sound most interesting. Would you please explain what reforms in particular you wish to make?”

“Of course!” Blueblood exclaims happily, “On the first point, I believe that we may need to recall and replace the majority of our current ambassadors. While our current group does the job, they could be better.”

“I assure you that those currently in place are more than qualified to represent Equestria in the modern age,” Celestia assured him, “Although if you did recall them, who would you replace them with?”

Blueblood nodded at Celestia’s reassurance, “I don’t doubt your ability to choose our current ambassadors, your highness. I merely believe that certain ponies like Lord Overreach, or Benny Arnold would be better suited.”

“Who?” Luna questioned her sister quietly.

“A bank tycoon and a Bitish spy,” Celestia informed her with a whisper.

“I see…” Luna replied in a tone which indicated that, no, she indeed didn’t get it.

“And the specifics of your second and third goals?” Celestia asked, “What reforms would you make to the press and the nobility?”

“Ah, those two goals are in fact related.” Blueblood explained, “I wish to make it illegal for the press to write negative stories about the country in general, and the rulership in specific. To do so, I would give total control of the press to the nobility, who would be compensated for their time, of course.”

“Of course,” Twilight echoed flatly, “You want to censor the media?”

“Naturally,” he nodded.

“You want to put a limit on what can and cannot be printed?” Twilight continued, her voice rising, “That if you personally don’t like it you can make sure it doesn’t see the light of day?”

“Well, why would I want something I don’t want to read be printed?” he failed to notice Twilight’s hair sticking out.

“YOU! MY BOOKS-“ Twilight continues to rant, but no pony can hear a sound as she’s been silenced by Princess Luna.

Princess Celestia smiled at Blueblood, “I do belive that we have run out of time for this interview. Thank you, we will be sure to keep your application in mind. Remember, we will contact you. Have a nice day.”

Shining Armor quickly escorted Prince Blueblood out of the room.

Meanwhile, Twilight was still ranting in her bubble of silence, her face red and her horn shooting sparks.