Celestial Bra-dies

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1614

Luna breaks up with the moon.

Princess Luna breaks up with the moon after she catches him cheating on her.

Big thanks to my prereader Majin Syeekoh.

Published 2015-04-29 03:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-29 03:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Yeah No This Is Exactly What It Looks Like

Once again, for perhaps the fifth time that night, Luna slinked underneath the window of her room, ever careful to avoid the bright silver light that encroached upon her residence.

Right as she was directly underneath the window, a simple thought popped in her head.

Why don’t I just close the curtains instead?

Hindsight being the cruel mistress that it is only gifted Luna this thought after having gone most of her night avoiding every window in the castle. However, now as she drew the curtains together to block out the light, her evening could finally take a turn for the better. She even smiled to herself upon completing her task.

There we go, she thought wryly. No moonlight could penetrate into her abode now. No more peering eyes, judgement glances, or even pervading inquiries. No, she was all alone now. Finally at peace, especially from—

“Hey, babe, I knew youse was home!”

...Spoke too soon. Again.

Luna sighed and rubbed at her temples in a vain attempt to quell the already building migraine thriving in her brain with every word he spoke, like his very voice fed some malignant tumor on her frontal lobe.

“Hey-o, babe, lemme see dat gorgeous face of your’s right ‘bout now, ehhh?” the voice spoke up again. Luna’s windows shook and curtains fluttered, as if the voice was from a giant right outside her room. This would have to be quite some giant since her room was at the very top of one of the castle’s many towers, hundreds of foot above the earth, but if only it was that simple.

Well, I know he’s not going to go away anytime soon, so might as well as get it over with. Luna steeled herself in preparation to draw the curtains back and throw the windows open to confront the booming voice… until she remembered who that voice belonged to. On the other hand, I could just huddle under my sheets and wait for dawn to come…

“Yo, yo, babe, yo, I know youse in there,” the unwanted visitor said. “Youse don’t has’ta hide from me. Like, I know we are goin’ through a rough patch ‘n all—”

“Rough patch?!” Luna bellowed, right before she blew a hole where the window used to be in a magical fit of rage. “You call cheating on me with some floozy asteroid a rough patch?!”

Luna’s outburst was directed at none other than the moon, whose rocky expression revealed only minor annoyance across his cratered mass.

“Whoa, whoa, just chillax, babe,” he said. “It wasn’t no asteroid, I can tell ya dat much. I ain’t that type of satellite. It was a meteorite, capiche? There’s a difference ‘cause when the—”

“You think it being a meteorite makes what you did any better?” Luna shook her head. “And no, before you ask, the question is rhetorical, you fat sack of crater-dust!”

The moon sighed, the pockmarks of countless meteors over millions of years darkening on his face for but a moment.

“Listen… Luna, I know what’s I dids was bad. Like, I get that.” He shrugged, turning his face to look into the distant, a half-crescent appearing on his stony facade. “But I ain’t the only one to blame in all this.”

“Oh, so I have to take blame yet again this relationship? Is that what you’re going to keep on doing for the rest of your life, moon? Blaming me for your mistakes?!” Luna sneered, turning her head away from him as well. “Now you see why I left you in the first place.”

“When you left me I had nothin’, alright, just nothin’!” the moon said, his voice quivering for a moment. “We was goin’ just fine and dandy ‘til youse had to returns to that frickin’ planet! And ever since youse left it… it… it just hasn’t been the same!” The moon gulped in a breath. “And… and I guess that’s why what happened just sorta… well, happened.”

Luna glared at the moon with a scowl that could make black holes turn white. “Oh joy, another one of your famous ‘what happened just happened’ speeches! Y’know, I can forgive you embarrassing me in front of my parents. Or that time where you forgot my birthday… for the third century in a row! Or even the fact that you never bothered to fully commit to me with marriage even after two millennia! But this… this is where I draw the line, and that was with the atmosphere, which you’re most definitely breaching at this point!”

“Fine, fine, I’m sorry, alright.” The moon backed up, no longer taking up the majority of the sky with his illumination. Now he was just a tiny disc on the horizon, but the pain on his hardened eyes softened them, but not Luna’s heart. “I just missed youse. Youse was my everything. Literally too, since youse was the only thing on me that wasn’t there beforehand.”

“Oh, and I guess all those meteors over the past couple of million years don’t count then?”

“Now listen here—”

“No, you listen to me for once!” Luna slammed her hoof against the floor. “You have always been inconsiderate and a jerk! You never put any effort into keeping the romance alive in our relationship, you never bothered to be sweet or endearing to me, and worst of all you treated me more like some mother to clean up after you and feed you rather than your girlfriend!” Luna wiped away some tears that had spilled from her eyes. “I thought that would’ve changed if I moved in with you. Maybe you’d learn some responsibility. Even get a job. But guess what? Nothing changed, and this just dragged on for another thousand years until I couldn’t take it anymore!”

“If youse couldn’t take it anymore, why didn’tcha just leave then?!” the moon said. He was already sniffling, but since he had no water on his surface it was a moot effect.

“Because I…” Luna gulped, her thoughts reeling. Just end it now, Luna. Just end it and move on, like you kept on promising yourself. “Because I thought I could fix you. But after a thousand years and no result, I knew I was just lying to myself. For Pete’s sake, you still haven’t moved out of your mom’s basement!”

“Oh, well, excuuuuuse me, princess! It’s kinda hard to move outta your mom’s place when her gravity forces youse to orbit her all the time! Oh, but I betcha know all ‘bout that, now don’tcha now, eh, ehhh?”

“Hey, you know I tried to stop that! The entire eternal night thing was for you!”

The moon breathed out an exasperated chuckle and just slowly swayed side to side. “Oh man, this is just rich. Going all Nightmare Moon was for me’s, huh? Last time I remember it was all ‘bout youse and—”

“Don’t you say it.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand—”

Luna’s eyelid twitched and her teeth were beginning to grind together. “I swear, if you say what you’re going to say, you’re going to regret it.”

“Youse was PMSing and youse knows it!”

A pregnant silence hung over the pair, only to be aborted when a clearly annoyed voice from across town yelled, “Just shut up and get a room you two! Some ponies are trying to sleep!”

“Nopony cares!” Luna said.

“Up your’s, buddy!” the moon added.

“Screw all of you!” the voice said, following by the sound of a window being slammed shut.

“Man, what an asshole,” the moon said.

“Indeed.” Luna nodded. “Oh, right, there was something else I wanted to say… Something important…” She hummed for a breath or two and finally said, “Oh, right, now I remember. EVERY TIME I’M PISSED OFF DOESN’T MEAN I’M ON MY PERIOD, YOU INCONSIDERATE JERK!”

“Well, it sure does seem to correlate a bunch…”

“Get ooooooooout.” Luna pointed a hoof towards the distant horizon. “Get out of my sky this instant before I… well, before I get a restraining order!”

“Youse wouldn’t be the first!” The moon huffed, then started begrudgingly trudging towards the horizon. “Y’know, I don’t need this! Imma get a new girlfriend! With blackjack! And hookers!”

“You’re a bum and could never afford either blackjack or hookers! And we both know that!”

After that the moon departed in haste, mostly because he knew what she said was true and he had no witty comeback to use. And with that the night was over and dawn ascended over the horizon as the sun inched its way into the sky.

“Oh hey, what’s the haps?” the sun asked, stretching and yawning loudly.

Luna winced at the sudden shift from dark to day and shuddered. “Oh no, not that guy.”

“Hey, hey, hey, if it ain’t Lunaster! The Lunanator! Lunaboddabingbong! Lunashinski!” The sun hacked out a cough for several seconds, probably due to millions of years of an addiction to burning hydrogen, which isn’t exactly healthy for the lungs. “Heyo, youse sister still talkin’ ‘bout me?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” Luna said. “I’ve had enough relationship problems for one night. I’m going to bed.”

“Hey, hey Sunny-buns!” the sun called out, staring at Celestia’s tower. “Guess what daaaaaaaaaaaay it is?!”

Celestia’s eyes flung open and immediately she could feel the dread that the day’s light would eventually bring close in around her. “Oh please, no, not today. Just one day. Please.”

“Guess what daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it is?!”

“I swear I’m gonna murder that hot-head one day.”

“Guess what daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”

“JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!” Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs, already burying her head underneath her pillows.

“Sundaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!”