-Gabby Gums
Hello ponies of Ponyville! We here at the Foal Free Press headquarters are just as puzzled as you are as to why our last edition ran with
Fluttershy is best pony
[hide message]
at the top of the front page. Whoever is responsible must have very high level magic, for this message was not present when we printed the paper, appearing instead sometime overnight. Until this wrecker of mild mischief is unmasked though, we feel they have provided us with a unique opportunity to hit the streets and gauge the opinion of the masses: is Fluttershy best pony? And by masses, we mean her close friends, because honestly we're pretty lazy and none of us know anything about statistical analysis. Here is what we found:
We started our search with a good friend of hers, a cyan pegasus named Rainbow Dash. Unfortunately, none of us can fly. Fortunately, Sweetie Belle has a really tall ladder for some reason.
How Rainbow views herself
Upon reaching Rainbow's foyer, two of us quickly fell through the floor since we forgot to apply a cloudwalking spell. Fortunately Rainbow heard the screams rescued us in time, which is a good thing since we don't have workers comp. After she had finished berating us from a safer height (the ground), we sprang the question on her: Is Fluttershy best pony? She had this to say:
"Fluttershy, best pony? Oh, this is about that silly prank somepony pulled on your newspaper isn't it? Well, we all know I am best pony. I don't mean to brag or anything, but it's true. But second best pony? Fluttershy without a doubt. I can't count how many times she's been there for me when I'm feeling down. I mean, just last week, Tank was going into hibernation and I was just not feeling it. And you know what, she called me out on my behavior and helped me get over my selfishness. She's just that awesome. So yes, second best pony without a doubt."
Applejack, princess of eyebrows
After this vote of confidence, Sweetie and Applebloom moved on to our next unwitting interviewee while Scoots stayed behind to audition to be Rainbow's replacement pet. We found Applejack Apple, another friend of Fluttershy, bucking apples in her apple orchard on her farm Sweet Apple Acres. Upon asking her if Fluttershy is best pony, the mare gave us the classic eyebrow raise she has become quite well known for in recent years, accompanied by the terse response of, "Say what?"
We explained our purpose to her, but in the course of our explanation it became evident that Applejack didn't actually read the paper. Our conversation went something like as follows:
"What do you mean you don't read the paper? Everypony reads the paper."
"Well, I don't, and I'm a pony, so not everypony can be readin' y'all's little school journal, now, can they?"
"Applejack, you do realize you are caving to the ugly stereotypes of ignorance that pervade our proud clan?"
"Girls, with all due respect, I am a simple farm mare. I have neither need nor desire to know the score of last night's polo match in Fillydelphia. If something is ground-shakin', revolution-makin', name-takin', and overall newsworthy enough to be of import to me, I assure you one of my friends--often one of y'all's sisters--will let me know. Until then, it ain't my problem."
"...Okay. But is Fluttershy best pony?"
"Sweet cragadile on a corn husk, and you accuse me of being a walkin' stereotype. Could you conjure a more vapid, empty, pointless piece of tabloid gossip if you tried? You wanna know who best pony is? Best pony is the hardworkin' mare who takes care of her family. If she can. Not all ponies have much of a family to take care of anymore. Five years. It's been five years now. Five years and I still can't move on. I... I think I need a minute to myself. Y'all best be moving along."
She shooed us away before we could ascertain who she thought was best pony, or whether she actually does cry on the inside. We note this to be a possible area for future research, to be filed away along with other perennial puzzlers[1]. Oh great, now Applebloom is crying. Why am I narrating this? Moving on...
Rarity, certainly never uncouth
(Photo Credit: Hayseed Turnip Truck)
Scootaloo, losing out to Snails as a potential replacement pet (and joining Twilight in the process), rejoined us as we next headed to Rarity's Boutique. While AJ's reaction proved to be a bit of a wash, we hoped for a lively response from the damsel of drama. What we got instead was irony.
"Is Fluttershy best pony? You dare ask me to numerate my friends in a sequential order, such than one might be higher than the others? Darlings, it is most uncouth to rank one's friends in such inflammatory fashion. Such rankings of "bestness" only serve to stoke discord and distrust. What do I look like to you? A gossip column generator? Truly you wound me. Oh how I have fallen, that those I dared called friends might call upon me to debase myself so. Oh, woe is me. Am I nothing but a listicle harlo--"
She went on like this for a while, leaving us to contemplate the nature of self-awareness. How quick we are to see the flaws in others, when we ourselves remain oblivious to the nicks in our own horseshoes. What fascinating single mindedness, that we might at once decry the histrionic libel of two-bit rags, blind to our own collection of Vanity Mare and Equestrian News Today greedily stacked upon our night stand. What sublime double think, to decry the sensationalism of the modern pony when we ourselves scrawl vicious and malodorous thoughts nightly into our diary we think our little sister doesn't know about. What Folly! What--
Ahem.
Twilight Sparkle, free thinker
We left Rarity to her soliloquizing and found our way to Twilight's castle. Twilight may have said castle now, but fortunately it hasn't really tugged on her reins, so to speak. We were eager to see what the adorkable egghead would have to say on the matter. Her answer was... in retrospect not surprising.
"Is Fluttershy best pony? What a silly question. She is a dear and true friend to me, but it's obvious she's not best pony."
"Oh? Well then who is best pony?"
"Princess Celestia is bestia!" she exclaimed with glee.
Again, we really should have seen that coming. No pony has yet succeeded in tearing Celestia down from that idolatrous golden pedestal Twilight has erected for her to stand upon. Celestia could command Twilight to date Crackle and I'm pretty sure she would do it. Fortunately, if a frighteningly high-level mage is going engage in blind hero worship, Celestia's a pretty benign target. Anyway, the conversation concluded swiftly thereafter:
"Let me guess," Sweetie Belle groaned, "You're going to spend the next fifteen minutes smothering us in flow charts and chalkboard mathematics and PonyPoint presentations that state your case?"
Twilight, in her reverential haze, was taken aback. "Why should I? That Her Solar Majesty is best pony is self-evident. The facts speak for themselves."
Well, we dodged a pie there. Speaking of pies...
There was one pony left--well, we ended up interviewing Fluttershy too, but given her conflict of interest, that one doesn't really count. One particularly exuberant individual who honestly is pretty scary to interview. On account of her being insane.
Pinkie Pie not holding still for the camera
She jumped through her bedroom window and landed in front of us before we had reached the door of Sugar Cube Corner. We can't help but wonder if there's a Pinkie Sense twitch for investigative journalists. "SURPRISE! You three are interviewing us to figure out if Fluttershy is best pony, right?! Ask me ask me ask me!"
We proceeded to ask the vivacious party planner if Fluttershy is best pony.
"Fluttershy? Oh my gosh, she is my best best best bestest friend in the whole wide world okay maybe not THE bestest because like I have a bunch of best friends but she is definitely one of the bestest friends of mine. Like, if I was throwing a party for my bestest friends, she would be a VIP!"
"Okay, so she's a best friend. But is she best pony?"
"Hmmm... maybe!"
"Maybe?"
"Well, yeah. We live in an infinite multiverse. Everything that ever could be is, somewhere out there. Every single possibility, replicated exactly down to the quantum level, is an actuality in a parallel universe. It boggles the mind, doesn't it? Just think, we might be fictional characters in one plane. Or maybe weird ape things. Or maybe Dinosaurs. Or maybe Shining Armor marries Gilda instead of Cadance. Or maybe Cadance spells her name with an 'e' instead of an 'a'! Or perhaps Super Trampoline actually writes decent material instead of this dreck. Don't you see, Crusaders? The possibilities are endlessssssssssssssss!"
A pretty mild Pinkie outburst, really. "Alright, but how does this tie in to whether Fluttershy is best pony?"
"Silly Fillies, somewhere out there, she is best pony!"
"And in this world?"
"I have noooo idea! Wanna try some cake samples?"
"Uh, we have a cover story to finish, but thanks."
"Okie dokie lokie! Come back soon."
One clear trend emerged from the ashes of our survey, namely that none of Fluttershy's closest friends actually think she's best pony. The closest any of them came was the first pony we asked, Rainbow Dash. Applejack and Rarity didn't give answers, Twilight is a sycophant, and Pinkie Pie weaseled her way out of a concrete response. Clearly the perp behind this benign headline vandalism is not among Fluttershy's inner circle of friends.
In light of this ambiguous data, we decided we might as well ask the mare herself. We trotted over to her cottage and knocked gently.
Something something find the music in you
"Oh, um, hello fillies. What brings you here?"
"Fluttershy, are you best pony?"
"Me? Best pony? Why yes, I am."
We were shocked. This changed everything. Until it didn't.
"But so are you, Sweetie, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo. So is Trenderhoof. So is Prince Blueblood. So are Raindrops and Flitter and Kibitz and Braeburn and Lovingcup Harshwhinny. We're all best pony. Every pony is best pony."
Is Fluttershy best pony? We feel that question has no fixed answer. But is she one of the kindest, sweetest, and gentlest souls to grace our town, a shy but important presence we are lucky to have among us? Without a doubt. This is Gabby Gums, signing off.
Author's Note
Notes:
[1] Such as, "Who's a silly pony?", "Does Rainbow Dash always dress in style?", "Is Applebloom a dictionary?", "Is Sweetie Belle a Robot?" [Editor's Note: I am NOT a robot!], "Is Scootaloo an orphan?", "Whatever happened to Applejack's parents?", and "How unfunny is this footnote?".
