Wasteland Bouquet: The Wasteland 2 Journals

by Cascadejackal

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 4232

The journals of Caravan Lily, as she finds herself in a new world. Crossover between FoE: Wasteland Bouquet and the game Wasteland 2.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-23 07:07:41 UTC

Entry 1

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

I was screaming. I was screaming a lot. The Serenity was bouncing all over the place, Rose hauling us along as fast as she could. Behind me, in the cargo bay, Magpie and Ibis were firing at the lunatics chasing us, trying to steal our cargo.

Let me back up a bit. Y'see, we took a contract to retrieve some mirror. It sounded easy enough; go up north, near the Crystal Empire, follow the train tracks and loot the big, shiny cargo train that was derailed when the bombs fell.

Hell, it was easy. Except for the cold. Rose got frozen solid a couple times... Ibis had to keep "defrosting" her, and that is something I never wanted to see again. Sharing bodyheat my flank...

Anyway, we found the tracks, followed them down to the train, and that's when everything went to Tartarus in a handbasket.

See, what we weren't told was that the thing we were after belonged to a cult, the New Dawn. Pfft, cult. Buncha dye-job loonies is what they are. Dyed themselves all red and yellow, chanting about shimmering sunsets and other worlds...

Long story short, we grabbed the mirror, there was a whole lotta screaming and shooting, and we lit outta there like our tails were on fire.

Which brings us back to where we started. I was screaming, Rose was running, Magpie and Ibis were shooting, and we had a whole herd of deranged cultists out for blood. I was snapping the reins so much Rose's flank must've been bruised, but we were pulling ahead... until we reached the bridge.

Bridge might be a bit generous. The thing was barely wide enough to get the wagon on, and crossed a bloody massive chasm. The supports were rusty, there were holes in it, and we wouldn't have even tried to cross if there was any other choice.

Halfway across, it started to crack. I screamed more, Rose ran faster... and the cult followed us.

The bridge couldn't handle the weight and gave out.

Magpie and Ibis grabbed me and Rose, but my poor wagon went straight to the bottom, followed by the mirror and most of the cult... except for a few who hadn't been on the bridge when it collapsed. They started shooting, forcing Magpie and Ibis to dive into the chasm to avoid being hit.

Predictably, Magpie's claws tore my jacket where she was holding me, and I fell. Straight to the bottom, straight towards my poor, wrecked Serenity... and straight towards the mirror.

When I woke up, we were in what I'd soon learn was called Ranger Central, a big base full of... things, just trying to live the best they could. And we'd turned into things like them. I freaked out. Big time.

Magpie managed to calm me down though. She slapped me until I did.

The Rangers had found us in the middle of nowhere, brought us back to their base when they saw Rose's badge. She'd had the damn thing since her stint as a town sheriff, way back when we were caught up in the middle of a feud between Bourbon Rose and the gang that was after her, and apparently it was identical to the Ranger's badges.

To cut a long story short, the head Ranger, some guy named Vargas, didn't really believe us... but he's letting us stay here as long as we help out, so he's cool, and he's got his Rangers listening out for anything about a magical mirror for us. We've been here for a couple of months now, and it's not so bad. Pretty safe, usually, and all we have to do is run supplies out to Ranger teams every few days.

Well, that's about it for now. Vargas wants to talk to us. Must want us to make another delivery.

This is Caravan Lily, signing off.

Major events so far:

The group has been given their first mission, and recruited as Rangers proper.

Raiders ambushed them outside of the Citadel. Lily hid, Magpie and Ibis shot and killed a bunch of raiders each, Rose punched a guy so hard he exploded.

While travelling, Rose found a rocket launcher.

Lily confused a gang member who tried to extort them, letting the group explore freely.

Entry 2

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the journal of Caravan Lily

Well... um... we're Rangers now. Like, officially. Vargas gave us all badges and a radio. We're Echo Team now, apparently.

He didn't want us to make a delivery. See, one of his Rangers kinda... died, and he wanted us to go check it out, finish his mission. Something to do with radio towers. Rose knows more about it than me.

We left the Ranger Citadel and headed off for where the Ranger was found. This world is wierd, and kinda dusty, but at least we can see the sky. No selfish pegasuses pegasi here!

So, we made it to the antenna just fine, and some joker tries to get cash out of us in return for going near it! I confused him, saying that if the antenna was his backyard like he said, then the whole place was the Ranger's front yard, so we could go anywhere we wanted.

Magpie said I was being a smart-arse. I think it's just that a lot of these hoomins are stupid enough to fall for a trick like that.

We fixed the antenna, but there was a lot of oil leading away from it, and none of the stuff we were meant to find nearby. We followed the oil trail into a cave, in case it was in there.

It was. There was a giant frog there, too. Rose blew it up. I still don't know where she found a bomb, but I wish I'd been standing further away. Ick.

Long story short, we found a robot hoomin and all the Ranger's stuff. Rose's paw hand got zapped when she started playing with the robot, so we left it there and set out back for the Citadel. Of course, we barely got moving before we get a call on the radio.

The Agriculture Center was in trouble, and guess who was close enough to help? That's right, Alpha Team! Wait, no, they were off somewhere else. We were the only Ranger team anywhere near it, so off we trotted!.. is it really trotting? We don't have hooves anymore, so... I dunno.

Little side note: Watch the weather. Some radioactive clouds blew in while we were going through a valley, and we had to wait it out in a cave.

Rose found a rocket launcher in there. Who the heck stashes a rocket launcher in a cave?!

Anyway, we got to the Ag Center and-

Hello Lily's journal. Rose here. Lily is running around screaming because Fluffy landed on her head while she was writing, so I'm going to finish her entry. Lily is silly sometimes. He just wants to play with her hat. It's what giant moths do.

The people at the Ag Center are nice. We helped them.

All the plants started growing extra huge and going crazy. The animals did as well. And the bugs. Lily doesn't like the bugs. Not even Fluffy.

Ibis got bit by a rabbit. He and Magpie are cooking it. It's as big as a pony.

Someone was mean and sabotaged the irrigation systems. Why would anyone want to make evil plants? That's just silly.

It's better now though. We fixed it.

Oh, Fluffy is back. Lily, too. She looks mad. Where is her hat?

Lily here. We're being sent out again. This time we're headed for Highpool. Ranger Citadel says their antenna is broken; I guess they want us to fix it.

...

Fucking moth ate my hat.

Major events so far:

The group has reached and saved the Ag Center.

Rose broke a wall, kicked down several doors and got blown up by several trapped crates.

Lily's revolver jammed repeatedly. Rose fixed it.

Ibis was swarmed by bunnies.

Entry 4

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the journal of Caravan Lily

I don't even know what to say... just... I hate mines. Hate them. Nothing good ever comes from mines.

After Vargas dumped this errand in our laps, off we went to see what all the fuss was about and help out if we could.

I tried to be optimistic. I really did. But if anyone ever asks me to go in a mine again, I'm telling Rose to hit them.

So... yeah. We got to the Level Up mines-

Rose here. It's pronounced Leve L'Upe, not Level Up.

-and it turns out there was a collapse and some of the miners were trapped inside. They wanted us to go in through the old tunnels, find the miners and give them some blasting caps so they could blast their way free. I wanted to know why they couldn't just leave through the old tunnels. The foreman said the old tunnels weren't safe.

So hey, why not get us to do it?! It's not like they had a camp full of hoomins who actually knew their way around down there or anything!

Stupid hoomins.

Okay... I'll admit, it wasn't as bad as they said. I mean, it's not like it collapsed on us, or anything. The tunnels were just fine.

The badgers were the problem.

Yep. Badgers. In a mine.

Celestia save us, there were fucking badgers in the mine! AGAIN!

Giant fucking badgers! WHY?! Did Discord follow us here?! Is he having a laugh or what?!

Massive zebra-dogs! Everywhere! Rose got chewed on so much, Ibis spent hours stitching her up afterwards! It would have been a lot worse, though, if she hadn't blown half of them up! My ears are still ringing! Rose doesn't know the meaning of restraint!

Rose again. I do too know what restraint means. To act with control or caution, from the Old Prench restreinte, meaning to keep one's actions in check.

I mean, sure, those things were huge and all, and they wanted to eat us, and they didn't give two shits about being shot in the face, but she used every damn stick of dynamite she had!

She could've brought the place down on our heads! It's like she likes causing cave-ins! Wasn't doing it once good enough for her?!

Rose again. The cave-in at Prospect wasn't my fault. Lily did it.

Ugh... anyway, eventually Rose ran out of things to explode badgers with, but the ones that were left didn't last long once we all started shooting them. Damn things are like hellhounds...

We found the miners, gave them the blasting caps, they blew an exit and we all got the hell out of there. Lotta happy miners, everyone loves Rangers, much yay, then we left.

Next stop, Ranger Citadel! And fuck Vargas if he thinks we're going out again without a break!

Major events so far:

The miners at the Leve L'Upe mines were saved.

Lily's revolver jammed again. Rose got bitten because of it.

Ibis is becoming quite skilled as a Field Medic.

General opinion of the Rangers is rising.

Entry 5

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the journal of Caravan Lily

Finally got back to the Citadel! We delivered the dead Ranger's stuff, gave our report and Vargas agreed to give us a couple days to cool off. I'm heading to the mess hall. They've got stew, and I ain't missing out!

Hello again, Lily's journal. It's me, Rose.

Lily is in the mess hall again. She's friends with the cook.

The cook is named Hungry. He has a funny name. Why would a cook be hungry? Hoomins have strange names. He makes really nice stew though.  Maybe his name is a joke?

I like the Ranger Citadel. They have a workshop and I'm allowed to use it whenever I want. Some of the hoomins asked me to look at their guns for them. I'm going to be very busy now. I hope I have time to go the the Ranger museum today. I like the stories Mister Flintlock tells.

I don't think Lily mentioned the museum. She's not allowed in there anymore. She almost blew us all up when she pressed a big red button.

Lily likes pressing big red buttons. I don't like it when she does that. I had to disarm the balefire egg launcher before it exploded.

I asked Mister Vargas why they have a balefire egg launcher in the museum. He called it a Day-V Crockpot launcher. They didn't think it was live.

Hoomins are silly sometimes.

Dammit Rose, stop writing in my journal!

No.

Anyway, Vargas is sending us out on patrol in a couple of days. No missions or anything, just routine checks with some farms and homesteads nearby.

I told Hungry about the giant rabbits at the Ag Centre; he wants us to bring some back so he can expand the menu. Sounds good to me.

Major events so far:

Lily almost blew up the Ranger Citadel. Rose fixed it.

Entry 7

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the booze-stained journal of Caravan Lily

Been a busy few days.

Vargas sent us up to the Rail Nomad camp to help out. He wants their train running again, since most of the supply routes depend on it.

Trains are giant wagons that run on tracks. What we could do if we had one back home... the Bouquet'd be even busier! Customers and caps beyond my wildest dreams!

Erm, anyway, we met up with the Toe Peeking Topekan chieftan, but he didn't want our help, so we kinda just wandered around the camp after that. A hoomin girl asked us to save her friend who had fallen in the lake, and we did. Rose knocked some wierd totem pole thing down for him to grab onto, since none of us can swim.

Not that we wanted to. That lake was nasty.

Turns out the girl was from another tribe of Rail Nomads, and there was some big feud going on between them, and that's why the train wasn't running.

We had a bit of a close call, though. The girl and the boy were talking about leaving together, but they almost set off a bomb some maniac had left laying around! Rose managed to disarm it just in time.

After that, we headed off to the other Nomad camp, to see if they'd be willing to make piece peace.

We got into a bit of a fight on the way there, though. Bandits. Lots of them, but nothing we couldn't handle. They all wore pink pants, for some reason...

One was wearing a tutu and had a knife the size of my leg arm! Ibis took care of it with his knife, but he complained about missing his claws again. What's wrong with fingers? That's what I want to know. They're great fun!.. but is it really "hoofing it" if I don't have hooves anymore?

Whatever.

Long story short, lots of explosions, we got to the other camp and had a talk with their leader. Turns out the girl from before was his daughter, and when he heard about her almost dying, he agreed to a peace talk with the Topekans!

We delivered his message, then we had to stand guard and be security for the talk. It all worked out in the end, Vargas was happy, and we got a couple days off! The Nomads had a bar, so that's where we went... and then the barkeep asked us to check on his shipment, since it was late.

He promised a discount on the booze if we did. Rose accepted for us. That mare loves her booze.

We got to the distillery, talked down the crazy hoomins that wanted to hijack the shipment, then got offered an even better discount if we cleared some pests out of the field. Naturally, we accepted. Rose poked me until I did.

Pfft. Pests. Giant fucking badgers again, that's what they were.

At least we weren't in a mine this time.

We killed the badgers, headed back to Rail Nomad, gave the barkeep the good news and settled in to enjoy our R&R.

Rose is passed out drunk on Ibis, Ibis is sharpening his knife, and I'm pretty sure Magpie's off buying some more ammo. So, it's pretty quiet right now.

Vargas just called. He wants us to head for the old prison once we're rested up, see if we can get some info out of the Red Skorpions. Fuck.

Major events so far:

The Rail Nomads have made their peace.

The Rail Thieves have been wiped out.

The largest Snake Squeezins' distillery in the area has resumed production. The Booze must flow.

General opinion of the Rangers continues to rise.

Entry 8

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the journal of Caravan Lily

Fuck. Just... fuck.

Got to the Prison fine. Helped a guy whose wagon was stuck and he told us about some guy called Red who might have the info we needed. His goat screamed at us.

After that, things went real bad, real fast. The Red Skorpions have been extorting everyone they were meant to be protecting, going on about taxes and the like.

Brahmin shit, that's what it is.

They tried to get some cash out of us, calling it a "Gun Tax".

Rose here. I negotiated.

One tried to take Rose's rifle when we refused to pay. She beat him to death, Magpie and Ibis gunned down the others.

Not long after that, we found

They're keeping

They had a stable of hoomins.

We've pulled back with the survivors for now. Magpie and Ibis are doing what they can, but some of them are pretty bad.

Rose is... somewhere. She said something about guard duty.

I have to radio Vargas and let him know what's going on here. Fuck.

Vargas is sending some Ranger squads to meet up with us.

We're putting an end to this.

Major events so far:

Lily was screamed at by a goat.

General opinion of the Rangers continues to rise.

War has begun.

Entry 9

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the shot-up journal of Caravan Lily

We managed to pull back with the survivors and meet up with our reinforcements.

They had medical supplies, ammo and our new orders. Vargas wanted us to make a push, try to beat back the Red Skorpions and get into the Prison if we could.

I heard the Rangers used to live here, way back when. I wonder if they kept it so secure, or if it's just because the Red Skorpions are fucking psychos...

Whatever. One squad stayed behind, doing what they could for the wounded, the other went in with us. The closer we got to the Prison walls, the worse the fighting got.

They had a farm, an actual farm, and they were using slaves to work it. The guards were so heavily armed we were lucky nobody died... they didn't care about the slaves getting in the way of their bullets, either.

My arm's all bandaged up. The foreman jumped me and got a lucky shot off before Rose could deal with him.

We got there in the end, though. Drove them back, killed as any as we could. We're at a stalemate now. There's no way we're getting into the Prison, not with the killzone they've got set up, but they can't get out, not as long as we've got a squad watching the entrance.

I can't stop shaking. Magpie says it's the adrenaline. I'm gonna see if Rose has any of that rotgut left from the Rail Nomads.

Vargas radioed in again. Wants us to head east, find some militia. Word has it they're all geared up with no one to fight, and Vargas thinks they'd be willing to help get into the Prison.

Only problem is, the way east is deadly. Radiation clouds. There's a canyon that's safer, but we'd still need suits to get through.

At least the suits were easy. Vargas told us about a guy near the prison, said he should be able to set us up with what we needed.

He was pretty reluctant to help us until Magpie had a word with him. I dunno what they talked about, but I heard her mention his brother and suddenly he just forked over the suits.

We're getting the last of our supplies sorted right now. I'm not looking forward to this, but we don't have much choice.

Major events so far:

War between the Rangers and the Red Skorpions rages.

The group has gained radiation suits and the location of possible allies.

Entry 3

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the journal of Caravan Lily

I don't think we can fix the Highpool antenna.

Some group called the Wreckers showed up before we got there and, well, they wrecked the place. Everything was either on fire or in pieces.

We joined up with the survivors, though, and managed to beat the Wreckers back-

Rose here. There was a hoomin with a metal arm. She was a good boxer, but she was a bad hoomin.

I hurt my hand when I punched her. Metal arms are hard. Magpie says I should wear gloves from now on. They're like booties for hands.

-but it was too late. The antenna was totalled. The survivors are going to join up with some militia for protection.

We radioed the Citadel and reported in. Vargas wants us to head back and drop off the stuff we recovered from where the Ranger was killed.

So, that's what we're doing. Magpie's checking our map now, she says there's a faster way back.

Rose again. Lily isn't very happy right now.

We were almost back to the Ranger Citadel when Mister Vargas called us on the radio. There was a cave-in at a mine and he wants us to help because we're not far away from them.

Lily is swearing a lot. I don't think she likes mines anymore. They won't steal our wagon this time, though. It's back in Equestria. I'm going to tell her that. It might make her feel better.

...

I don't think Lily feels better. She told me off. Now she's sulking. I'm going to ask Fluffy to cheer her up.

...

That's better. She's playing chasey with Fluffy now. I wish she would stop swearing though. It's not very nice.

FUCKING MOTH TRIED TO EAT MY FACE!

Major events so far:

Highpool was destroyed.

The Wreckers retreated to their camp.

Highpool survivors joined the Red Skorpions militia.

Lily's revolver jammed again. Rose fixed it.

Entry 6

Wasteland 2 - The Wasteland Bouquet Adventures

From the (slightly moth-eaten) journal of Caravan Lily

Looks like the Ag Center's got some work to do. Their giant plants got loose and started cropping up around the place; a couple of the places we had to check on our patrol were overgrown. We managed to save some civilians before the giant bugs could eat them, though.

On the plus side, I haven't seen that damn moth since we left the Citadel.

We radioed back to Vargas to let him know about the plants. He's sending out another team to deal with it, but he wants us to continue our patrol. Next stop, the Little Moscow Market!

Hello Lily's Journal. It's me, Rose.

Fluffy came back. He's playing with Lily again. She's chasing him and screaming. It looks like fun, but she dropped her revolver, so I have to fix it again.

I. Hate. Moths. I don't even have a hat anymore! Why the fuck does it keep going for my face?!

Right, I should really update on the patrol... well, Little Moscow Market's gone. Wiped out by robots.

We were lucky to get out of there ourselves. Damn things can see in the dark. One of them got carried off by a swarm of horrible things-

Rose here. Fluffy brought friends! One of the robots had lots of blinky lights so Fluffy and his friends picked it up and flew away.

There were lots of Fluffies. I told Lily I hope they come back to play. She started crying. I think she misses Fluffy.

-but one of the big robots caught up to us before we could get away.

Making a note for later: bullets don't do shit to robots. Bring explosives, and don't be nearby when they go down. They expode, and if you're too close, you will too.

Rose again. I flew!

The big ones have lasers. And knives. Overkill, much?

Anyway, don't get close. Ever. Lasers hurt. We're gonna radio Vargas, let him know what's happened, then head back to the Citadel. We need to-

Rose here. Fluffy came back again! I told him how much Lily missed him, and he got all his friends to say hello to her!

Now they're all playing chasey. Lily is running away, and the Fluffies are trying to catch her.

When Ibis is finished bandaging my laser burns, I'm gonna play too. It looks like fun.